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Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?

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〇わ〜い〇
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
I'm a boy so maybe I don't understand, but isn't being best friends with your daughter the kind of thing that led to Lori Drew convincing her daughter Sarah to basically kill that poor girl (myspace trial)?

Grown women should not be best friends with their daughters. Who among us has a mother that is a skilled manipulator a la Lori Drew? Can you imagine? It's dangerous to get so close to your children.
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Brigit
11/24/08

@vagtart: Mothers and daughters can be friends - if neither one is a jerk- when both are adults. At least in my case, mom was mom and in an authority position until I moved out.
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Shamrockette
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
I know how it is. Me and my mother don't get along all the time because I yearn for more independence, but she doesn't want to let go of her only daughter.

But I will say it's definitely MUCH worse when you only have your mother as the only parent.
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arodriguez.romero
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
god what a topic ... I love my mother but I don't always love her. We live together. There are days when I avoid her space (another floor) today being one of those days.
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info*ninja
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
Some parents are bad. Most parents are moms. Therefor, most bad parents are moms. Plus, girls and women are pathologized, of course boys get f*&ked up by bad parents too-they turn into the men that ditch their families or hit them or abuse people or etc.
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CollegeCamel
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
Normally I'd read this article and parlay it into a comment about how absolutely, soul-crushingly awful my mother is to me...but she seems to have stopped menopause-ing or something of late and is actually treating me like a human being...however, jury's still out on whether or not this means she's also going to treat me like an adult...
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Plum-Pie
11/24/08

@CollegeCamel: She might get there! Until very recently, my mother preferred when my sister and I did badly. She feels she's been a failure in career and educational terms (although she hasn't!) and as long as big sis and I were having problems, the power rested with her.

She's lightened up a lot over the last couple of years, for which I'm truly grateful, although I think this is in part because she knows if we build up any extra resentment against her now, access to any future grandchildren will be strictly limited.
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Brigit
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
I have a very nice loving mom and I love her to bits. I miss throwing comforters in the living room floor and watching movies all day with her and my sis on weekends. Us three still snuggle when we are staying together.

My dad... now there's a douchebag, and he's coming to visit -with his mom, wife, and kid- tomorrow, for a whole week. 1st time I host Thanksgiving. I'm terrified.
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info*ninja
11/24/08

@Brigit: Good Luck!
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vlvtjones
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
Mothers instill the best in their daughters - so they can go get everything they themselves didn't have.

Ultimately, the daughters do get it; and the mothers are angry for it.
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Brigit
11/24/08

@vlvtjones: Some. My mom is a proud-as-a-peacock about er daughters type. We grew up economically deprived and I'm a Ph.D student in an Ivy school. No jealousy. Just pure unadulterated pride and joy. I bet she's counting the days until she can say my daughter, the doctor hehehehe.
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Maritsa
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
I know the problems I have with my mom come from what she criticizes and how she does it. When my father was alive, the stuff he would bug me about, like my grades, whether I was working hard enough, ambitious enough, etc. didn't bother me. I could just shrug them off or discuss them rationally with him.

My mom, however, has criticized (implicitly or explicitly): my appearance, my weight, my choice of career, my weight, my marriage, my parenting skills, my weight, and, also, my weight. I know it stems from her own insecurity - she was an overweight teenager and then became bulimic, and she has terrible self-confidence in general - but even as well-adjusted as I think I am (ha!) those are still sensitive issues for me so her criticism, even when unfounded, stings.

Sigh. I love my mom, warts and all, but man, I really miss my dad. So normal.
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The Queen of No
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
I officially feel very lucky that my Mom is not judgmental, clingy, critical or a perfectionist, and whatever other flaws/stereotypes Mother's are portrayed as having in lots of movies/books/popular culture.
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sybann
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
My mother was jealous of my freedom of choice(s) - something she just didn't have coming of age in the 50s. She also wanted both of us (sis and I) to be better educated, healthier and happier than she had been - she wasn't thrilled with her role as homemaker. Unfortunately her method of showing this was to nagnagnag and criticize. She's gotten somewhat better but I am staying home this Christmas due to feeling so crappy about myself last year. And I am going to be 50!
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PromQueen
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
My mom is pretty much Satan. I have a distinct memory of her telling me I had the heart of a snake--I was 7. And I hadn't done anything bad; she was just making conversation. When my parents got divorced, the court-appointed psychologist asked me to think back to my last positive memory I had of my mother. An hour of silence ensued. I could not think of one. After my parents split, I was old enough to choose who to live with--as were two of other siblings--and we went running to my father's house. This was a deicision I have received, historically, an incredible amount of crap for--she's your mother, she gave birth to you, blah blah blah. Charles Manson had kids, and I bet no one berates them for not being closer with their father.
My father spent 10 years in court fighting for my littlest sister (who was eventually old enough to choose to leave, as we all had) and was met with an incredible amount of resistance the entire time, despite the fact that all the children kept saying, She's crazy and evil, crazy and evil...
Obviously, she is an extreme case, but people who say things like, Oh she's your mother, she loves you, make me want to throw things.
The craziest part is that she tries to call once a year and just chat...like we have spoken in the last 15 years?
I will never have children, because I am so afraid of turning into her.
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sybann
11/24/08

@PromQueen: no worries sweetie - you can see the problem clearly, and there's no way you'll repeat it - don't NOT have kids for this reason. If you really don't want to parent that's fine, but you are NOT your mother.

I chose not to have children for the same reason - mine was nutso (hormones) and borderline abusive to me too, and although we now have a very good relationship, I don't ultimately trust her with my feelings.
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Mdmrptr
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
There is a raging river of rage in me for that woman in W.Va. who burned her child. Where's my goddamn torch because I want to cut.a.bitch.
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Mdmrptr
11/24/08

@Mdmrptr: Sorry. Not very elloquent at all, was that?
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Hana Maru
11/24/08

@Mdmrptr: Yeah, it's beyond horrific. Somehow it seems especially sadistic that she dotted the "i".
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Maritsa
11/24/08

@Mdmrptr: Eloquence can fall by the wayside when it comes to talking about monsters like that. I don't even have the words.
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Grim Reaper of the Forest
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
My mom is awesome. Yay Mom!!!!
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royaume de coeur
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
I find this really interesting as it relates to mother/son relationships, as well. Luckily, my mom is wonderful and has never been hard on me, though she was slightly resentful upon my leaving for college because she was never given the opportunity to go. But I know a LOT of women whose mothers were especially difficult on them, and, somehow, no men who had the same problem. Moreover, more than a handful of the guys I've dated have had mothers who put them on a pedestal in every way - deeming no woman who dared to get into a relationship with their precious boys as worthy enough to take their place. My boyfriend's mother tries to ignore me and downplay our relationship, and we LIVE TOGETHER.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
11/24/08

@royaume de coeur: I have that problem too. I run into women who immediately become lifelong friends with their boyfriends' mothers, and that has never, ever been me. Guys bring me home and their mothers are always peeved or disappointed. No woman would have been good enough for Mr. JB's mother, but my college boyfriend's mother wanted a Jackie and got a Marilyn. Such as I am, at any rate. I understand it slightly better since I had a son, but I still have resolved not to be a witch to whatever woman he inevitably brings home. It's hard to go through life knowing that you have at least thirty years until your MIL finally dies and leaves you in peace to enjoy your marriage--and that's only if her infallible son isn't really messed up from losing her.
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Maritsa
11/24/08

@royaume de coeur: I believe I know the worst mother-son pair EVER. She's like a worse version of Raymon's mom from Everyone Loves Raymond. She talked to her daughter-in-law about how her son told her that the wife didn't have sex with him enough. She gave her TIPS on how to fix that. YES, TIPS. And her son is a lazy, hands-off dad who I think has untreated bipolar disorder and she thinks he is perfection personified. Also, she demands that the entire family (parents, kids, now grandkids - 17 people) do everything together, including take vacation in her tiny-ass cottage. I shudder just thinking about them.
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TheFormerJuneBronson
11/24/08

In reply to Why Can't Mothers And Daughters Get Along?
A lot of the friction between my mother and me when I was a teen was from her trying to save me from her adolescence. She was overweight, had acne and glasses, and never dated, and her father was a verbally abusive douche who called her a slut for no reason and kind of messed her up. I don't think she'd have resorted to plastic surgery and suchlike even if we had the means, but her efforts just convinced me that I was already worse than she feared I might become. She was constantly picking at me to lose weight and clear up my skin. The fact that I had plenty of boyfriends seemed no consolation--because that meant I was a slut! Noes! There was no way to win with her.

Fortunately, things improved immensely in my twenties, and we're great now. But that experience serves as a horrible warning to me. Also, quite happy I had a boy. I had to have been insane to want a girl at any time.
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