I've had the unenviable task of reading both Prejean's Still Standing and Palin's Going Rogue in the last couple of days, and I gleaned the following striking similarities:

Both were self-described "jocks" turned beauty queens.

Palin: "I thought it was a horrendous idea, at first. I was a jock and quite square, not a pageant-type girl at all. I didn't wear makeup in high school and cut my hair short because I didn't like wasting time primping. I couldn't relate to the way I assumed most cheerleader types thought and lived, and figured it was those girls who were equipped for the pageant thing.
On the other hand, there was the scholarship money."

Prejean: "When I told my parents and my sister about it, they looked at me like I was crazy. They knew me as the girl who scraped her knees sliding into second base, who got a fat lip jumping up for a rebound in the midst of flying elbows at a basketball game. But a beauty contest?"

Both were accused of skipping public appearances, but say they had good reasons.

Palin: "My opponents and the press had a field day with that one: "Palin a No-Show at Chamber Of Commerce Luncheon Debate." [...] I couldn't make the media understand why I had chosen to skip another rubber-chicken campaign stop and instead attend this significant military exercise. I tried to explain: the Chamber of Commerce be here next week; our troops would not."

Prejean: "The reason I was not at the press conference is that I had not been invited to be at the press conference. The first I heard of it was when a reporter asked me to comment on it a few days in advance. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. [...] This was the second time in about a week that he and Shanna had "scheduled" an appearance for me (the other was the pro-gay marriage public service ad) when in fact they had never invited me at all and knew I would be out of town — and then portrayed me as running out on them!"

Both say they have the same views on gay marriage as Barack Obama.

Palin: "I explained to Schmidt that I oppose homosexual marriage, but that didn't seem too controversial in the campaign since the Democrat candidate for president held the same position."

Prejean: "When I later googled "Obama," "marriage," and "man and a woman," I found that Barack Obama's answer was almost identical to my own, although he managed to work in opposition to Proposition 8."

Both say they resisted pressure to give "safe" answers.

Palin: "The bottom line was that these were political answers — and I couldn't force myself to play it safe and sound like a politician. On top of that, there were probably ten cards for a single topic with a different set on nonanswers on every one. So in the end I'm thinking, Okay, which nonanswer do you want me to give?

Prejean: "Roger wanted me to reinforce the first part of my answer, and buck the whole question back to the right of states to regulate marriage. He wanted me to punt."

Both feel persecuted by the liberal media.

Palin: "Reporters from across the nation camped out at the end of our driveway in Wasilla and on the ice in front of our home. [...] Every once in a while a friend or family member would think they could trust a reporter, and so they'd talk to them. And almost 100 percent of the time Todd and I would get a call later from a panicked loved one saying, "Geez! We can't win! That reporter took what I said all out of context." Or even worse, "I never said that!" We assured them we knew, it was okay, it was just the unproductive game some chose to play."

Prejean: "Somehow the liberal media can get away with these degrading, disgusting jokes about a conservative woman, while still touting themselves as open-minded and tolerant. What is Sean Hannity or some other conservative media figure (male or female) had said something like this? Especially if he said it about a liberal woman? But for some reason it was perfectly acceptable for these men to belittle me on live television. Laura Ingraham pointed out the one-sidedness of "tolerance" in her television debate with Gloria Feldt (a liberal feminist who said I — another woman! — needed a "heart transplant" instead of breast implants). Laura commented — quite rightly — that she would be taken off the air if she spoke of liberals the way these media figures were speaking about me."

This last illustrates the most fundamental similarity between the two women: they believe that they are special, and have been singled out for special scrutiny. As we mentioned before, the conservative media is every bit as prone to attack journalism as the much-maligned liberal media, and Hannity, Ann Coulters, and others have said plenty of nasty things about liberal women. Palin and Prejean have both experienced sexism — Perez Hilton's post-pageant comments about Prejean
were a particularly noxious example. But instead of making them more sensitive to the problems of other marginalized groups, like gays and non-conservative women, their difficulties have only served to heighten their exceptionalism.

Still Standing is actually a more enraging book than Going Rogue, in that it deals more closely with its author's upsetting views on social issues. Prejean writes,

If it isn't right for the public schools to teach a single faith perspective, how can it be right for them to teach an anti-faith perspective, to teach that homosexuality is a normal lifestyle, when to faithful Catholics and Evangelicals and others who support traditional morality, it isn't? This sort of double standard in our public life is dangerous, but it's what political correctness is doing to us: it is putting just not just our freedom of speech, but our freedom of conscience at risk.

She also says,

I think my whole ordeal reveals just how the culture of political correctness uses shaming, blackmail, and other forms of emotional abuse to force people and organizations to either stick to our beliefs and suffer the consequences, or throw away our beliefs just to be left alone.

What she doesn't acknowledge is that people with beliefs the exact opposite of hers have been facing this choice for decades. Neither Palin nor Prejean seem to understand that while they ask America to sympathize with their victimization, they're also asking us to support policies that victimize others. Prejean's views on gay marriage and Palin's beliefs about reproductive rights (and welfare, and healthcare reform) aim to restrict people's freedom to live the way they want. To espouse these views while complaining about handlers who try to rein them in and reporters who criticize them reveals a staggering egocentrism. This is just one more thing Palin and Prejean have in common, and perhaps the reason both of them are still appearing on television long after each has arguably lost her relevance: both of them are tireless promoters of themselves.

Still Standing: The Untold Story Of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, And Political Attacks [Amazon]
Going Rogue: An American Life [Amazon]

Because it's not as if Cimbalo does anything in his piece but slag on these women for having the audacity to be attractive, conservative, opinionated and loud about those opinions. In other words, if he didn't agree with us mouthy liberal broads, he wouldn't want to fuck us either, and apparently prefers his women quiet and agreeable. And that - no matter what your politics are - is just gross.

For instance, on Michelle Malkin, he opines:

Worse than fucking Eva Braun.

Which would, actually, be difficult as Braun was cremated and her ashes scattered. But who needs a man with any historical knowledge.

On Megyn Kelly, whose "y" he abhors:

You need to flagellate your genitals for wanting to fuck this woman.

Actually, I've met and interviewed Megyn Kelly, and I found her smart, gracious and extremely pretty.

On Mary Katherine Ham:

You get this one pregnant, she stays pregnant.

Apparently, Cimbalo prefers having unprotected sex with women who plan to abort.

On Amanda Carpenter:

This foul temptress is a walking, talking Faustian fuck bargain.

For one thing, Amanda was also a colleague of mine at Glamocracy where she and I once penned a column together. Politically, we'd be hard pressed to find anything on which we agree politically, I wouldn't call her foul or Faustian (but her husband might call her a temptress).

On Elizabeth Hasselbeck:

You're better served sucking off Regis Philbin.

I'd encourage Cimbalo to try, actually.

On Dana Perino:

The second she says "no comment," your testicles are going to retract back into your body.

Right, because who wants to fuck a strong woman?

On Laura Ingraham:

Vagina dentata would be an improvement.

He really does love the "ball-busting" stereotypes, no? Nothing sexist about that.

On Pamela Gellar:

This shrieking harpy...

Need I continue?

On Michelle Bachman:

Chemical castration has begun to look appealing.

Strong woman=ball buster. Caught that yet?

On Peggy Noonan:

Imagine fucking your grandmother.

Because older women are automatically unsexy.

So, liberal ladies, just make sure you keep your opinions to yourself, never get old, never get a high-powered career and goodness knows don't disagree with Guy Cimbalo or, like George H.W. Bush, he might not want to fuck you. And you wouldn't want that.

So Right It's Wrong [Playboy]

Related: Four Questions for Megyn Kelly [Glamocracy]
Political Time Machine: HBO's "Recount" [Glamocracy]

Earlier: Help Me Choose An Outfit To Keep George Bush Away From My Womb

MEGAN: anna says you're in!
SPENCER: good morning sunshine!
MEGAN: morning!
SPENCER: Whoa! Conde Nast money, here I come

MEGAN: Ok, are you ready to do this thing? Despite you being a dude and everything, we have to talk about the whole Stabenow thing from a woman's perspective. He gets a beej from a Craigslist hooker and gets caught, they charge the hooker but not him and then the details come out yesterday and Senator Debbie takes the floor to talk mortgage crisis and recession instead of hiding in her office like Vitter and Larry Craig did. Is it just because she's not the tainted one? Or is it because women can carry more on their shoulders.
SPENCER: well, Mr Stabenow is this big liberal-radio dude, and i was on air america yesterday and — surprise — no one wanted to talk about What Happened
i have a lot of respect for Debbie Stabenow deciding she wasn't going to let what her husband did throw her off her game
i'm silently singing christina aguilera's 'beautiful' to myself whenever stabenow speaks from now on
but here's MY question
MEGAN: Also, CNN had the hooker's mug shot today. Skankalicious.
SPENCER: i've never used craigslist for sex, NEVER
the Detroit News piece that broke the story said that Mr Debbie told the police that he was meeting a friend from the internet
do you think that people on craigslist that are hookers SAY they're hookers? or could he have really thought he was meeting an internet liaison for IRL sex?
'liaison' s/b 'acquaintance'
MEGAN: But she listed her prices!
SPENCER: oh ok that settles that
i should stop all this 'shopping for furniture and maybe a bike' nonsense
do women use craigslist for sex?
MEGAN: Other than prostitutes?
SPENCER: it seems like it's not necessary but what do i know
yeah, other than prostitutes
MEGAN: I mean, I know women who have used it for actual dates, not that they worked out that well. Less for NSA sex, probably. It doesn't seem necessary to me either.

SPENCER: speaking of actual dates
we have to talk about this conservative women talk about dating thing that Eva Braunstein posted on J-bel yesterday
MEGAN: Yeah, actually, I sent it to her because TRex sent it to me and we had a good laugh
SPENCER: what strikes me is that the dude who wrote the intro copy keeps writing things like so-and-so "is a buddy of mine who has done a lot of dating in her life..."
that sounds a lot like winger code for MY FRIEND IS A GIANT WHORE
MEGAN: I know! He's totally calling them all sluts!
Plus the pictures he uses?
SPENCER: look
there was a period during college
where i went through a brief conservative stage
i should have just gone gay or something
and there's this thing in New York City, or at least there was, called the Fabiani Society
whereby tout NYC young conservatism assembles and chats
as you can imagine, it's a sausage party
MEGAN: Kind of like your last show!
SPENCER: come for the scotch, stay to see that fat fuck James Taranto from the Wall Street Journal edit page pass out at the table and maybe puke in a potted plant
anyway, there was a cadre of women who attended
MEGAN: But did not date James Taranto, I assume.
SPENCER:one of whom was this attractive publicist — i think? — from the manhattan institute
and this friend of mine was like desperate to fuck her
we had this conversation on the train where he was like "nipples like PENCIL ERASERS!"
that's when i decided there was no pussy in conservatism and drifted leftward
MEGAN: Really? He wanted to date her because she had pokey nipples?
SPENCER: he was a college kid and was enthralled that sometimes you can see a chick's nipples through her shirt
SPENCER: it was all very John Hughes
MEGAN: Because, despite what Tracie says, I have a ton of lined bras because of those dudes that look at my nipples and the fact that I'm usually cold and it used to make lobbying meetings really awkward.
MEGAN: LOOK HERE
SPENCER: men are just going to look at your nipples, we can't help it
you try and be discreet about it, but it's like an exclamation point on a titty
MEGAN: I know, hence, the lined bras. It's awkward when really old guys do it, especially because their reflexes aren't that great.
I can't believe you just said "ttty"
SPENCER: HAHAHAHA
it was an ironic 'titty'
i think we've had the 'titty' vs 'boob' conversation
ANYWAY
SPENCER: these conservative-woman bloggers: just do your thing, ladies, get your money, and realize that love and sex have little to do with ideology, life is a rich pageant
MEGAN: No, boo, let the conservative bitches keep the conservative guys from poorly kissing the rest of us.
Or talking about how they used to work for Karl Rove as though that would make anyone in the real world want to fuck them

MEGAN: Anyway, so speaking of in your face,
close ups on TV make people not like you.
You should warn producers or something now that you're all getting the TV punditry gigs
SPENCER: i can't open this, but my friend Matt Yglesias has a theory
that eventually the newschannels and the networks will all go HD
SPENCER: and then politicians will face the same impediments to success that the entertainment industry does
like imagine McCain vs Obama in HD
McCain would look like a reanimated corpse
MEGAN: Oh, God. It's too early for that shit
He already looks like a reanimated corpse.
SPENCER: and because black people have no choice but to take better care of their skin than white people, he's going to come out looking like a movie star
MEGAN: He's already swoon-able.

SPENCER: i know, i know, every woman who isn't Sinister Rouge has a crush on Obama
bama bama bama...
my crush is more professional
MEGAN: I mean, what are our other crush options?
SPENCER:: can we talk about iraq for a second?
MEGAN: Yes, please, something smart

SPENCER:: DAVID PETRAEUS. crush on petraeus
we can tie these two subjects together!
First of all, the man is like 56 and in ridiculous shape
MEGAN: So, I'm supposed to crush on Petraeus?
SPENCER: yes
all the male journalists do
MEGAN: See, I have a theory on older men that I'm sticking to
If he's closer to my dad's age than mine, I can't
My dad and I are 30 years apart.
so, 14-15 years older is the outside limit
SPENCER: he was my workout coach!
MEGAN: Ok, yes, Petraeus, tell me about his body
SPENCER:: last year i was in Mosul at FOB Marez (What up Brian! Hold your head man)
and he was coming up there, as i overheard in the dining facility
so i demanded an interview
and the brigade's press flack said i could only do so if I did physical training with him
figuring i would not be so stupid as to humiliate myself like that
LITTLE DID THEY KNOW
MEGAN: Yeah, obviously they didn't know you that well.
SPENCER: so it was like 530 in the morning and he shows up in these little-ass running shorts and WEIGHT LIFTING GLOVES to do a 5 mile run
mosul that time of year is COLD and WET btw
so we ran around the base with the 30-year old company commanders and petraeus was insane — answering questions without being so much as short of breath
i dont trust my voice recorder in times like this so i was running up to him, barking questions, and writing them down in my notebook
i collapsed into the chase car and tried to rewrite my chicken scratch into something legible
MEGAN: Wait, you ran and wrote?
SPENCER:: i swear to god, i was ready to puke, plus i had just quit smoking
MEGAN: And Petraeus in short-shorts?
SPENCER: YES
MEGAN: Ok, so how tight was his ass?
SPENCER: THEN we did calisthenics and THEN we did the fucking chinup bar
i was more thinking, how tight is his line that the surge will yield sustainable security improvements that will in turn yield sectarian reconciliation
MEGAN: Wow, this is sounding less like the press guy thought you wouldn't and more like he hoped you would because he was evil.
SPENCER: i'm not going to say a word about petraeus' ass, sorry, i'm supposed to interview him later and really don't want to fuck that up
anyway i couldn't do this insane chin-up-bar exercise he did
i tried to weave this into a strained metaphor about iraq
but yeah, crush on obama and petraeus
MEGAN: And did it work, Mr. Writer Guy?
SPENCER: it's like the worst piece i ever wrote
MEGAN: Ok, I'll keep that in mind.
SPENCER: plus petraeus is smart, confident, determined, and probably sensitive
MEGAN: That sucks, oh, well. I've written Crap.
Oh, sensitive? Really? I call bullshit.
SPENCER: i get the feeling that he would rub your shoulders when you've had a hard day
MEGAN: And then tell me to buck up, soldier
And go off and hang out with the boys
SPENCER: he's like the patrick swayze of iraq

MEGAN: Women don't want Swayze. They want Johnny.
SPENCER:: nah girl he's looking out for you
which johnny? johnny depp?
my mom LOVES johnny depp
MEGAN: No, Johnny the character in Dirty Dancing
SPENCER: oh i didn't see that
MEGAN: But Johnny Depp is highly fuckable.

MEGAN: Ok, well, here's some news that doesn't involve hot guys: Hillary Clinton talks a good game on her opposition to Iraq but hasn't done anything
SPENCER: yeah ok the thing about HRC
notice the line that the LAT quotes
MEGAN:

I've been working day in and day out in the Senate to provide leadership to end this war

SPENCER: so have we exhausted CH readers' patience yet?
without really talking about the news
MEGAN: Oh, totally
SPENCER: and to think i didn't get around to asking you for a date