Oprah's story begins in 1957 on Easter Sunday, the momentous day on which two church ladies with folksy speech impediments prophesy her rise to fame. Though Oprah is standing under a cross, she looks like she's possessed by the devil. Since this is an illustrated biography, maybe the best way to convey that she's a "beautiful young child" would be to draw her that way.


The thing the author decides to "get out of the way" on pages 2-3 is Oprah's entire adult life, or the part in which she actually does remarkable things. Think about the highlights of Oprah's career, then decide if you'd put Kirstie Alley in a bikini in the top 13.


Let's jump back 50 years and learn a little more about the woman who will grow up to interview Kirstie Alley about her (temporary) weight loss. It seems spending a few years with her loving grandmother has only made little Oprah scarier. Since her mom is busy trying to climb out of the panel, a giant telephone has to step in to break up the angry staring contest between Oprah and her baby sister.


After a brief interlude at her dad's house, where Oprah is treated well, she's returned to her mom. Like much of the comic, this page is sprinkled with excerpts from Maya Angelou poems. Tastefully portraying childhood sexual abuse in a comic book is a tall order, but this is pretty well done. Though, the illustrator does make it look like Oprah is literally locked in a cage.


To deal with the pain of having a "self-absorbed" mother and attending a school where someone forgot to draw many of her classmates' legs, Oprah "runs wild." This entails hooking up with some guy in an alley and dressing like she's in a Britney Spears video.


This page cleverly illustrates Oprah's transformation from tube top-clad hussy to buttoned-up bookworm. It would probably be easier for Good Oprah to read those Photoshopped books if she opened her eyes.


The illustrator has an "ah-ha" moment and decides to draw himself into the story to justify skipping important chunks of his subject's biography. Who knew Female Force comics are written by Eminem?


In 1998, Barbara Walters presents Oprah Winfrey with the Lifetime Achievement Award at the Daytime Emmys (video evidence proves Barbara actually hadn't been attacked with pepper spray that night.) The last few pages of the comic just show Oprah greeting fans along with quotes lifted from her acceptance speech.


Finally, Oprah fulfills her life's mission by single-handedly getting Barack Obama elected, which was certainly a triumph for "truth, justice, and the American way." Still, the comic book would have been more entertaining if Oprah's "female force" involved moving things with her mind or shooting lasers out of her eyes.

Wasn't that a really annoying, condescending way to start an article? Imagine an entire article written the entire way, with the idea that every woman attending Comic Con this year will be there simply to stake out the likes of Jake Gyllenhaal and Johnny Depp. Can't imagine it? That's OK! The Los Angeles Times has already written it for you!

Is it so hard, in 2009, to accept the fact that women enjoy comic books/sci-fi novels/television programs/films/video games/etc. not because of the "studs" who appear on the screen or on the page but because of the actual content? I know it may be hard for some people to believe, but women do have interests that go beyond shoes and eating poop-inducing yogurt. "The Girls Guide To Comic Con" isn't a guide at all, but a rundown of the "hotties" who will be appearing in some form or another at the convention. Because, as the tipster who sent this article in notes (sarcastically, of course) "Oh, us GIRLZ, all we want are to look at those handsome menfolk and vampires!"

Come on, LA Times. If you really want to write a Girl's Guide To Comic Con (and I'm not sure it's necessary to split Comic Con into gender specific guides, but that's another story altogether) you could have at least had women who know what they're talking about write the piece. Like, say, the awesome ladies of io9, for example, who would probably have much more to say about the convention than "Women will be rushing the stage, offering to do star Jake Gyllenhaal's laundry on those washboard abs that he acquired for the film, since he spends much of it fighting, shirtless or both." Blargh.

The Girls' Guide To Comic Con [LATimes]

The issue, which CNN reports will arrive at comic book stores in August, features Archie proposing to Veronica in a jewelry store and will reveal what happens to Archie and company after they graduate college.

Veronica already blogged about the proposal, saying:

I am so excited, I am getting married to Archie. There is so much to do, so many plans to make. I wonder if Betty wants to be my Maid of Honor? I bet she is so happy for me!

No such luck, Veronica. Betty posted on her blog:

I am so sad, I don't even know what to say.

At first glance Betty, who is described in her online profile as, "completely unaffected, loyal and sweet," seems like the more logical choice compared to Veronica, who is, "very conceited, usually fickle, and extremely flirtatious." But in addition to surveys that indicate more billionaires have brown-haired wives, and most men would rather marry a brunette, a look back through the annals of pop culture shows that the sassy, dark-haired girl is more likely to come out on top than the boring, blonde girl-next-door.

Allow us to illustrate with the highly scientific study below:

Marissa Cooper vs. Summer Roberts
Summer: Sassy brunette marries Seth in series finale. Moves on to feature films.
Marissa: Blonde girl-next-door dies in a fiery car crash at the end of season three. Will appear in yet another CW series premiering this fall.

Point: Brunette.

Gabriella Montez vs. Sharpay Evans
Gabriella: Gets Zac Efron in High School Musical and real life.
Sharpay: Consistently humiliated in song. Ends up on cover of this week's OK! talking about her decision to dye her hair brown.

Even when the roles are reversed and the blonde is the bitch, the brunette still triumphs. Point: Brunette.

Lauren Conrad vs. Audrina Patridge
Lauren: Leaves The Hills, fashion line cancelled.
Audrina: Gets bigger role on The Hills, is dating Chris Pine (a.k.a. the new Captain Kirk).

Point: Brunette

Joey Potter vs. Jen Lindley
Joey: Loses boy, gets boy, dumps boy for his best friend, people stop watching Dawson's Creek when she goes to college, ultimately chooses sassy brown-haired boy and moves to New York.
Jen: Dies in final episode.

Dawson's Creek blurs the blonde vs. brunette sterotypes, making this a hard call. Jen lives next door to Dawson and is blonde, but she's a bitchy sexpot too. Joey is more of a "good girl," yet she is also sassy. Taking Dawson vs. Pacey into account as a tie breaker, in both scenarios the brunette gets the guy/girl. Point: Brunette.

Serena van der Woodsen vs. Blair Waldorf

Feud still in progress: Disqualified.

Tina Fey vs. Amy Pohler

Also disqualified, based on mutual awesomeness.

Jennifer Aniston vs. Angelina Jolie
Angelina: Won an Oscar. Has six absurdly cute children. Is either happily married to Brad Pitt, feuding with Brad Pitt, pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby, or some combination of all three.
Aniston: Dated and broke up with John Mayer. Marley and Me was a box office hit and earned more than Angelina's Oscar-nominated film The Changeling. But, she's also so lonely.

Point: Brunette.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck vs. Rosie O'Donnell
Elisabeth: Ongoing feud with Rosie culminates in split-screen argument on The View. Survives to argue her conservative points another day.
Rosie: Said the right-wing media portrayed her as a bully attacking "innocent pure Christian Elisabeth." Broke her contract to leave The View.

Technically, Elisabeth wins, but she loses a point on grounds of general obnoxiousness. Tie.

Luke Skywalker vs. Han Solo
Luke: Becomes a Jedi, tries to kill his dad. Loses girl on account of incest.
Han: Completed the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs. Survives being frozen in carbonite. Gets the girl on account of being a scoundrel.

Point: Brunette.

While many have viewed Veronica and Archie's engagement as yet another triumph for the dark-haired, is marrying Archie really much of a prize? It's taken the man 67 years to graduate from high school. Plus, he stupidly ignored Dylan McKay's advice that picking either girl would just lead to trouble. Why were Betty and Veronica sitting around and waiting for Archie to pop the question anyway? The New York Times points out that the issue in which Archie asks Veronica to marry him is only the first part of a six-part-story, so presumably anything could happen. Hopefully both Betty and Veronica will come to their senses and reject Archie, and the widespread, idiotic notion that their personalities should match their hair color. As for Archie, there's always his third love interest, Cheryl Blossom, the redhead.

Comic Suspense: Archie Andrews Pops Question [CNN]
Archie Makes His Choice (Or Does He?) [The New York Times]

Earlier: Want To Marry A Billionaire? Be A Brunette
The Marrying Kind
An Open Letter To Archie Andrews From Dylan McKay

X-Men Origins: Wolverine, as the title would suggest, tells the story of how the Marvel comic book character Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) grew from being a Canadian boy into the clawed, adamantium-lined mutant seen in the previous three X-Men films. The film begins in 1845 and reveals that Wolverine was born a mutant, with bone claws that shoot out of his knuckles. His father is killed and he and his half-brother, who later becomes the evil mutant Sabretooth (Liev Schreiber), run away to America. The brothers fight in every war in U.S. history through the Vietnam War. They are asked to join an elite mutant unit put together by Col. Stryker (Danny Huston), which also includes John Wraith (will.i.am), Chris Bradley (Dominic Monaghan), and Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds), but Wolverine becomes disgusted with the group and quits. He tries to start a new life as a lumberjack in the wood with his girlfriend, Kayla Silverfox (Lynn Collins), but eventually his Sabretooth and Stryker catch up with him.

So do the critics: reviewers say the film does not live up to the standard set by last summer's The Dark Knight or Iron Man, and, though the performances are good, there may be little point to the film beyond watching Wolverine and Sabretooth claw at one another. Below, the critics' specifics on X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

USA Today

Despite a couple of "Nooooo" yowls, Wolverine is well-acted, with spectacular action and witty one-liners. The special effects are top-notch. A few plot points raise questions, such as how Wolverine lost his memory. And his romance with Kayla Silverfox (Lynn Collins) is unconvincing.

The L.A. Times

It's a solid, efficient comic book movie that is content to provide comic book satisfactions of the action and violence variety. If it doesn't rise to the heights of Christopher Nolan's Batman films, it doesn't stray into Daredevil territory either.

It also helps that both Jackman and costar Liev Schreiber, who plays Wolverine's even angrier half-brother Sabretooth (don't ask), are fine actors who throw themselves into whatever they take on, whether it be Chekhov or comic books.

The Wall Street Journal

The first part of the exploration is fast, febrile and Forrest-Gumpish, what with Logan and his fang-flashing brother Victor, aka Sabretooth (Liev Schreiber) fighting for their country — America, not Transylvania — through a century of savage conflicts from the Civil War through Vietnam. Once that's out of the way, though, Logan and Victor fall to fighting one another — the one with steel claws, the other with fingernails that might have left Howard Hughes feeling well-groomed — in a series of confrontations that keep coming down to cutlery; think of knives vs. sharpeners and you'll have some sense of the film's emotional resonance.

The Sydney Morning Herald

Apart from the heroic work Jackman has put into building up his physique, I wouldn't say that he puts in a great performance. He's either relaxed and amiable or he's folding his face into a fist. It doesn't matter. You like him, anyway. And as one of the film's producers, he pushed for the film to be shot here and in New Zealand, rather than Canada. Consequently, the director, Gavin Hood (Rendition, Tsotsi), and the Australian cinematographer Donald McAlpine make sensational use of the South Island's mountains and waterfalls.

Entertainment Weekly

You'd think all this would be enough shrinkwrapped backstory since the movie still needs space to introduce other, newer mutants for their moments in the spotlight. (Ryan Reynolds has fun as the adversary who later comes to be known as Deadpool; Friday Night Lights' Taylor Kitsch gives an inkling of the charms he might display in a future episode as Gambit; Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am makes an appealing feature-film debut as John Wraith, a dude with a gift for now-you-see-him, now-you-don't.) But lest the ladies feel alienated by all the masculine conflict, the movie adds lover's grief as an additional motive for moodiness.

Slate

The first time Jackman appeared shirtless, about 15 minutes into the movie, his absurdly pneumatic chest garnered one of the few laughs at the screening that I attended. I can understand why-there's something ridiculous about the very being of Hugh Jackman, with his flaring nostrils and almost equine handsomeness. His best roles are the ones that harness that silliness, but even as a dour action hero, Jackman has enough charisma to emerge with his dignity intact. Liev Schreiber pulls out a few too many stops as the obscurely motivated Victor/Sabretooth, but you have to feel for the guy: From Shakespeare in the Park to this? And Lynn Collins made a lovely Portia opposite Al Pacino's Shylock in The Merchant of Venice, but as Wolverine's schoolteacher girlfriend, the quality of her mercy is a bit strained.

Salon

The bigger issue is that Wolverine is so uninvolving that you might not care whether you remember what happened 10 minutes ago. For a story that supposedly delves into the psychology of a character to help deepen our understanding of him, Wolverine doesn't offer much more insight into this feral fighter than did the earlier X-Men pictures — Bryan Singer's X-Men and X2 or even the messier, more shallowX-Men: The Last Stand, directed by Brett Ratner. Wolverine purports to tell us more and yet gives us less: It's so cluttered and action-packed that the action ceases to mean anything — virtually nothing the characters do or say results in consequences that stick.

Time

Written by novelist David Benioff and Skip Woods, Wolverine was directed by Gavin Hood, a South African who earlier made two exercises in political solemnity, Tsotsi and Rendition. The new movie has a sharper look and a smarter film sense, because Hood is surrounded by the sort of artist-technicians who can lend cinematic swank to almost any action picture. But that's now par for the course, and Wolverine doesn't rise above the level of familiar competence. What holds it together is Jackman, an actor who suggests the decency that is meant to be at the core of his character. As Logan struggles to tame his Hulk-like temper, so Jackman works to fit his friendly, temperate persona into the action-film superhero mold.

The New York Times

X-Men Origins: Wolverine will most likely manage to cash in on the popularity of the earlier episodes, but it is the latest evidence that the superhero movie is suffering from serious imaginative fatigue. A twist at the end that gives poor Wolverine a bad case of amnesia - turning him into a kind of Jason Bourne with sideburns - is a virtual admission that nothing terribly interesting has been learned about the character. He forgets his origins before the movie devoted to their exposition is even over. It won't take you much longer.

The New Republic

There are reversals and counter-reversals, double- and triple-crosses, truck and motorcycle and helicopter crashes, and enough Jackmanian shirtlessness that any so inclined could produce a detailed topographical map of the lats, pecs, delts, and various outcroppings of muscle that have not yet been named. (If Jackman's bath scene in Australia was a carnal amuse-bouche, here he offers the all-you-can-eat beefcake buffet.) What Wolverine fails to do, however, is give us any real reason to care about the unfolding events.

"This project has been like a dream come true for me as a writer and as a former graphic designer," says Butler of the series, "not only am I adapting a book I love, I am doing it in the one forum, comics, where words and pictures carry equal weight." [Marvel]

[Image via Bronette]

Earlier: An Excerpt From Pride And Prejudice And Zombies

"The idea behind the series was to have some sudsy fun and lift the curtain a bit and take a peep at some of our most fabulous super heroines," says Marvel's Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, "In the series, they're an unlikely foursome of friends–Black Cat, Hell Cat, Firestar, and Photon–with TWO things in common: They're all leading double-lives and they're all having romantic trouble. The pitch started as "Sex and the City" in the Marvel Universe, and there's definitely that "naughty" element to it, but I also think the series is doing to a deeper place, asking question about what it means…truly means…to be a woman in an industry dominated by testosterone and guns. (And I mean both the super hero industry and the comic book industry.) But mostly it's just a lot of hot fun."

Oh, awesome! Now I can find the same stupid Carrie Bradshaw bullshit that has invaded every aspect of my life from television to magazines to the internet since 2000 in a comic book, too! Because I don't care about how awesome superheroines are when they're out kicking ass! I just want to know what they're like when they're having some hot sudsy fun and talking about shoes and boys!

Can we just stop for a minute and call shenanigans on this, please? Do you think there's a series in development that features Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker just chillin' at the Applebee's, shooting the shit about a Mets game and calling each other bro? No. And do you know why? Because it would be BORING. Just like a bunch of superheroines bitching about their love lives and waiting around for Mr. Big. The only people who are going to get excited about this series are those who want to see the "hot sudsy fun."

If this is Marvel's attempt at drawing in a female fan base, they are missing the mark , as these Robot 6 commenters prove:

Jennifer de Guzman
April 9, 2009 at 3:26 pm

I've been trying for years to get my waist be roughly 2/3 the circumference of my thighs! And to find friends whose measurements are exactly the same as mine so we can share latex costumes! And no matter how many doctors I ask, none will agree to break my feet and realign them so they're perpetually in the much-coveted "wearing stiletto f-me shoes" shape. What is these ladies' secret?!

Obviously, it's something to do with what it "means… truly means…to be a woman in an industry dominated by testosterone and guns." I, on the other hand, am a woman in an industry dominated by testosterone and convention hot dogs, so I'm not so lucky.

Amy
April 9, 2009 at 6:15 pm

What the hell is wrong with these people? Let's just parse that little paragraph. So, for women characters to have an active sex life, they are "naughty." And they supposedly want to really, truely explore what it means to be a woman in a male dominated industry, but at the same time it's going to be "good hot fun"? Good, hot fun for whom exactly? The (most likely) all male writing and art staff? The all male comic fanboys this series is aimed at?

Apparently these folks have not grasped the inherent contradiction between really, truly exploring what it would actually be like to be a woman hero in a testosterone and violence dominated world AND still titillating the male audience. You can't have your cake and eat it too, boys. To really explore what it would be like to be a woman in this situation, you would have to acknowledge the essential sexism and misogyny in the comics field. And we can't harsh the fanboy libido with that kind of thing, now, can we?

The closest thing I (as a newbie) have seen to seriously confronting these issues is the series "Alias," and even that was written by a man and had some really skeevy elements. Try getting a woman's creative opinion, here, boys, if you're so "serious" about addressing these issues.

Really, Marvel, is this your plan to bring in more female readers? Because this female newbie comic fan feels like running screaming into the night and never giving another dollar to this industry.

R.
April 9, 2009 at 7:37 pm

Wow, this is in fact an excellent example of women in a male-dominated industry: marginalized, defined by their sex lives (defined as "naughty" no less), and the only reason their stories are told are as an excuse to titillate men. Well done. I couldn't have summed it up better myself.

Throw in a pink cover. All girls like pink. Make sure you pose the women as sexy as possible, because that's totally necessary for a female audience. Oh, and the characters should talk about shoes a lot; women LOVE shoes. Also, keep in mind that when women hang out together, we ALWAYS wear skimpy nighties, CONSTANTLY touch each other, and ALL of our conversations revolve around men. Especially if we're, you know, crime-fighters who're giving up a lot of their lives to do this thankless job. Women don't talk about serious stuff.

Bonus points for bubble baths or pillow fights.

Can we just get a comic book featuring these three, please? Because these are the kind of kickass ladies worth reading about.

Sex And The Single Marvel Heroine [Robot 6]

The 32-page comic about Sarah Palin's rise from PTA president to vice presidential nominee, which sells for $3.99, is part of the company's "Female Force" series. A comic about Hillary Clinton was released yesterday and issues dedicated to Michelle Obama and Caroline Kennedy will be released later this year. Writer Neal Bailey said that while he wasn't originally a Clinton supporter, while researching and writing the book he came "to admire and be utterly fascinated by what is obviously the most underrated figure in modern history". As for Palin, two versions of the comic were written, but the ending in which she triumphantly assumes the vice presidency was tossed. [The Guardian, Media Bistro]

Movies based on comic book heroes are more popular than ever, and Heath Ledger's performance in The Dark Knight earning him a Golden Globe nod. But before Thor — starring Daniel Craig — gets the green light, shouldn't we have one kick-ass superheroine?

You may have hated Halle Berry as Catwoman (and Storm), or Kirsten Dunst as Mary-Jane, but, writes Pitts, "The actress is only as good as her material, and the material is seriously lacking." Pitts outlines the problems the major directors — Bryan Singer, Sam Raimi, Christopher Nolan — have with including women in superhero/comic book flicks. She says of Singer: "He gave the ladies powers in the X-Men series, he just forgot the personalities. He turned the sexy, sassy southern belle Rogue into a mopey teenager, the diabolical Mystique into a naked mute, and the strong, regal storm into Halle Berry. If you’re going to take liberties with classic characters, why would you choose to make them less interesting?" As for Raimi, Pitts claims he "desexifed" Mary-Jane Watson.

So basically, right now, it's all up to Nolan, who should seriously think about reimagining Catwoman. Writes Pitts:

If God is listening and Christopher Nolan does make a third movie within the next few years, then our friend Batman’s gonna need a new love interest, it would be great to have one that doesn’t need to be rescued all of the time (although once is fine). And for all of you who think that miss Selina Kyle is too obvious a character to include, well, so was The Joker and look how that turned out.

Why the Comic-Book Movie Industry Needs a Female Superhero [Rope Of Silicon]

Earlier: Lasso Of Truth
It's Hard Out There For A Heroine
What Does Buffy Have To Do With Baghdad? An NPR Reporter Explains
Women And Cartoons: Beyond Breast Size
Hello, Kitty

Stephen Garner lists nine "subversive animated female heroines" who "have challenged stereotypes of how 'good girls' should look and behave and have proved an important and useful catalyst effecting change in women's battle for equal rights." Who are these powerful role models? How about Betty Boop, who subversively "wore short dresses, high heels and a garter belt and was an object of affection for many men." Or my personal favorite, Modesty Blaise, a comic book character whose favorite trick was taking off her shirt to create a diversion so her male partner could kill the bad guys.

Despite its inclusion of Tank Girl, Garner's list basically shows that cartoon and comic book women have a lot of the same problems real women have — they're supposed to be sex objects first, and this limits their ability to do cool stuff. They've even been getting plastic surgery to better conform to society's standards of beauty — check out the transformation of Snow White, and the liposuction of the underage Strawberry Shortcake.

Of course, since girls do, in fact, read comics — and play video games — creators have made efforts to appeal to them. Unfortunately, these efforts are disturbingly boob-focused. Lara Croft of Tomb Raider got her chest reduced as a ploy to appease female gamers. And X-Men writer Brian K. Vaughan sees a need "to raise the dialogue about comics beyond, 'Could her boobs be smaller?'"

Karen Healey at Girls Read Comics points out that the sexiness of female comic book characters isn't a problem in itself — as long as it doesn't get in the way of storytelling. Which brings up a question: who are female comic and cartoon characters for? Snow White and Strawberry Shortcake are arguably for kids, who purportedly like watching average, kid-like bodies — so perhaps their makeovers should be reversed. But if grown-ass women are reading comic books — and, this lady's opinion notwithstanding, they are — then they can handle a little hotness. It may not be obvious to all male comic book writers, but many women have boobs and sex — and also have interesting lives. Maybe superwomen should act a little more like us.

The sexual revolution... in cartoon form [BBC]
Show, Don’t Tell [Girls Read Comics]
Supergirls Gone Wild: Gender Bias In Comics Shortchanges Superwomen [Mother Jones]
When Did Snow White Get So Dirty? [Deep Glamour]
Cartoon characters getting "makeovers" [Feministing]
How kids prefer cartoon characters to look [AdFreak]
Lara's curves reduced to appeal to female gamers [Sydney Morning Herald]
Superhero Comics Aren’t for Girls [Comics Worth Reading]
WOMEN AND COMIC BOOKS [Laura Gjovaag]