Ok!
"Wedding Of The Year."
Margaret says that this is one of the silliest cover stories she has ever read. And this is the third cover in a row claiming that these stars are engaged, but in which the story inside is just details about Twilight movie Breaking Dawn. The mag says "each stage of the twosome's love story mirrors Stephenie Meyer's cult vampire saga." But Niki Reed and Dakota Fanning will probably be Kristen's bridesmaids and Kristen will probably wear a white sundress and get married on the beach. Apparently Rob and Kristen have "raw animal lust" for each other and if Rob and Kristen continue to mimic the plot of Twilight, fans could soon be on "bump watch." And the kid will be named Clules Pattinson, which is a combination of Claire and Jules, Rob and Kristen's mothers' names, cuz in the book — well, you know. Next: Evan Rachel Wood is dating Alexander Skarsgard! Brad and Angelina would like to adopt a baby AND have another biological one. Finally: Two pages of "candid" pictures of Nadya Suleman working out and hanging out in a park with her babies — complete with wardrobe change (See image 6).
Grade: [Academic probation]

Star
"It's For Real!"
The mag goes on and on about Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler's "romantic dinner date" but we read somewhere else that it was a table for six and there were like four other people there. Anyway, a few days later she was lonely and "he could tell that she was hurting" so went over to her place with wine and Chinese takeout. An insider says: "Jen joked to him that they'd make beautiful babies. Gerard just laughed, but her point was made." Why do they always make it seem like she's trying to get some sperm up in her uterus?!?! Next: "Mariah's Packing On The Pounds Again" because her career stinks and she has no baby. (See image 7) Blind item! "Which celebrity mom is a secret smoker? She puffs away in private and then hides the smell by applying lots of Purell and perfume. Plus, she chews gum after lighting up to mask her breath." Next: Marci Santoro says her daughter Stephanie was "duped" by Jon Gosselin — he promised her a new car, a job, a house, and a lifetime with him, only to dump her! Jon told Stephanie she didn't have to worry about getting pregnant because he'd had a vasectomy; also, Stephanie saw text messages from Kate Major that said, "How could you do this to me? You told me you wanted to spend your life with me." Trainwreck. Uh, the mag printed this sentence: "Now that Lindsay Lohan has been named artistic adviser to French Fashion label Ungaro, she may want to design herself some long-sleeved outfits — to hide her fresh cutting marks!" A source says LL is on prescription drugs and those around her are ready to stage an intervention. Lastly: We learned that DJ AM had a fling with Paris Hilton, the best friend of his ex-fiance, Nicole Richie.
Grade: D (mysterious sheet stains)

Us
"Inside His Final Days."
In addition to a pretty good Patrick Swayze story, the mag also had a "Puffy Puckers" page featuring the "trout pouts" — excessively puffy lips of some famous ladies (See image 8). Next: Over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan went to what she thought was Samantha Ronson's hotel room, and when she couldn't reach Sam, she threw a room service tray at the door. The guest staying in the room came out and confronted her; she claimed he assaulted her; police were called; LL was kicked out of the hotel. In Kanye vs. Taylor news, Taylor was crying backstage but had to perform less than 10 minutes later. After her performance, she broke down again. Eminem wanted to have her come up on stage during his acceptance speech, but MTV told him that Beyoncé was going to do it and already knew she was going to win (?!?!). Anyway — Kanye chugging Hennessy on the red carpet might have had something to do with his outburst, but also Kanye thinks of Beyoncé as a sister and "gets really worked up at award shows." Moving on: Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley will be filing divorce papers shortly; she told him she's leaving him and wants him to move out of their Bel-Air mansion. Lastly, this mag is such a tattletale! The editors love calling out the other mags for their "fake news." (See image 9).
Grade: D+ (mysterious towel stains)

Life & Style
"Destroying Her Little Sister."
Lindsay took her 15-year-old sister Ali to Crown Bar in L.A. and they partied until 1 AM. Then they went to a different bar, where they were both "smoking like chimneys" and dancing. A source says Ali was "flirting heavily" with 29-year-old Jason Segel, the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshal. Lindsay's been drinking and taking Adderall and exposing Ali to all that and so on, and she doesn't think it's wrong because her mother did it with her. And Lindsay and Dina talk about everything — drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. — in front of Ali. Next: Jennifer Aniston is still dating Gerard Butler, but has also revived her relationship with John Mayer. A source says that John and Jen went to Courteney Cox and David Arquette's house for dinner recently. Jason Trawick, Britney's manager, is dating a woman who looks like Britney. From the back, anyway. She's blonde.
Grade: C (mysterious sock stains)

In Touch
Nanny Stephanie Santoro granted an interview to this mag and claims she has been having a "passionate affair" with Jon Gosselin for six weeks. She says she met Jon a few years ago at a Twins Convention (?!?!?!). He told her, "Don't fall in love with me, because it's going to be impossible for me not to fall in love with you." This conversation was had in a hot tub. Then they had sex. They've had sex nine times, and the nanny says: "It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't the best I've ever had." The kids have asked her if she will be their new mommy. Stephanie also says Jon smokes pot, sometimes outside the house while the kids are home. In a related story called "My Wild Threesome With Jon," Samantha Sterling, a self-described "Vegas Girl," says she met Jon at a hotel. Jon proposed a threesome; she called a friend; they snorted coke and they all had sex. The next night, Jon drank vodka, watched the two ladies strip and then had sex with one of them without a condom. Also inside: Oprah wanted to interview Whitney Houston because Oprah has smoked crack. No, really. Usher has "fallen" for "another cougar," this time it's a 42-year-old music exec named Grace. "Angelina's Starving For Brad's Attention" is all about how Angie went to a refugee camp in Kenya but more importantly she was TOO SKINNY. A body image expert who does not treat her thinks she has lost 15 lbs. since the Inglourious Basterds premiere in July. A "friend" says: "Angelina isn't stupid and she's extremely manipulative, she knows that by cutting back on her food, Brad will notice that she's dropped weight and worry about her." Moving along: John Mayer has told Jessica that she is his soulmate, even though he is secretly seeing Jennifer Aniston, and promising that he wants to have babies with Jen.
Grade: C+ (mysterious t-shirt stains)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

Click "full size" to enlarge.

[Kabul, September 3. Image via Getty]

Two burqa-clad Afghan women rest in front of a shop in Kabul on September 3, 2009. Muslims across the world are observing the holy month of Ramadan, abstaining from consuming food and drink from dawn to dusk. AFP PHOTO/SHAH Marai (Photo credit should read SHAH MARAI/AFP/Getty Images)

What with the economy in the tank and all, and Mad Men a cultural phenom, "Advertising" (which as we know is a big amorphous entity, kind of like "Media") is turning to nostalgia. Says a guy at Pepsi, which is unveiling some retro packaging: ""It's about yearning for the past, a simpler time, even though the '60s and '70s were not simple...They just seem simple, looking back."

Like Pepsi, the usual Capitalist suspects - think Mickey D's, Coke and General Mills - are resorting to vintage jingles and old timey logos to foster a sense of security and, presumably, both retro-low pricing and antique quality. Even in cases like Target, which didn't actually exist in the eras it's seeking to evoke. The results, however subconsciously comforting, are consciously mixed: for every "Fabric of Our Lives" return (Zooey Deschanel's apparently covering it, no less) there's an annoying "Meet the Buttertons," with all the subtlety of a Sam Mendes take on suburban malaise. And the "How Many Licks" Tootsie Pop campaign has yet to make its appearance - possibly due to unfortunate Urban Outfitters Ironic Shirt associations.

While the trends are obviously demo-driven, it's still peculiar to think that we're harking back not merely to times of tremendous civil and cultural unrest, but also economic instability. Are we supposed to take a "this too shall pass" attitude, or merely remember a time when we were too young to care? Alternatively, is the message more profound? Here, says PepsiCo, was Joy. In the midst of life we are in death. Live each day to the fullest because youth is not eternal. Or - horrifyingly - is this movement a cultural Dorian Gray of sorts? Are we just plastering over our problems with vintage packaging and familiar pabulum? I guess the answer will be in the numbers. (Which, ideally, will be brought to us via Mathnet.)

Warm And Fuzzy Makes A Comeback [NY Times]
The Touch, The Feel Of Nostalgia [AdAge]

Now Valerie Frankel, a former editor at Mademoiselle, has a book called Thin Is The New Happy, in which she details her experiences at the magazine. What does she say about working at the glossy for smart young women? "I did more blow in my first two years at Mademoiselle than in college, when I lived with a coke dealer." Plus:

"Self-starvation was a competitive sport. At staff lunches, the girl who ate the least won," Frankel writes. "During downtime, we'd sit in our offices smoking cigarette after cigarette (to quell hunger) and talking about who ate what, the calorie counts of our lunches, the latest dieting trends, who on the staff looked heavy."

Oh, and by the way, Frankel had a sex column, in which she may or not have dispensed advice. While high. Coke psychology!

What I hate about stories like this is that it reinforces some shitty stereotypes, namely that women cannot work together without life being a living hell, especially in the magazine industry. But what I'm guessing is that things probably haven't changed that much. At the time, Mademoiselle was owned by Condé Nast. Frankel says human resources told new hires to "represent the magazine in [their] personal appearance," and the office motto of sorts was "get thin or die trying." Hence the "hillocks" of coke and the co-worker who carried a scale to weigh everything she ate. But even though Mademoiselle has folded, Condé Nast still owns and operates Vogue, W, Glamour, Allure, Self, Teen Vogue, Lucky, Brides and Modern Bride. What are the chances that those publications are being run by women involved in drugs and starvation?

Tales From ‘Mademoiselle’: ‘Self-Starvation Was a Competitive Sport’ [NY Mag]

• What happens when you're high on coke and eluding cops in a cornfield? Some maize-y shit! [Daily Mail]
  
• Proving himself to be the poster child for special-needs reptiles everywhere, a one-eyed alligator attacked a golfer in Florida today. Both man and gator are doing fine. [CNN]
  
• Penguins used to be almost 5 ft tall! Monster penguins?! Awe-some. [Guardian]
  
• Mary-Louise Parker and Jeffrey Dean Morgan are kaput. Which is sad because they both have three names. And, uh, we sorta feel like Mary-Louise has been through enough after getting dumped by Billy Crudup shortly before giving birth to his child. [People]
  
• Istanbul has pulled out from hosting a Live Earth concert this summer. We suspect they're being grumpy at being snubbed by France in EU negotiations, which was because (we suspect) France was grumpy that Istanbul got named a cooler city than Paris. Follow? If you give a European city a cookie... [USA Today]

• Snubbed again! Apparently Carrie Underwood is a sexier vegetarian than we are. Harumph. We (and the Catholic school boys in our neighborhood) beg to differ. [ABC News]
• What words of wisdom did Paris Hilton take away from her prison stint? Sayeth the sheriff, "Paris, do a better job in your life." [TMZ]
• 9 U.S. casualties identified today. [DoD]

• Don't be deceived by Tom Ford's manivorous, cooler-than-thou 'tude: The guy had no friends in college and loves Donna Summers. [Vogue UK]
  
• "Babe-sta" is a new word being used to describe a new trend whereby parents in downtown NYC dress their babies in ironic and/or Gwen Stefani-inspired T-shirts. And then the babies throw up all over them. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are the faces of Roberto Cavalli women's and men's lines for fall, respectively, since they're so "poetic, creative and wild." Which is exactly how we feel after 40 lines of coke. [Sassybella]
  
• According to the analogy-making forces at Women's Wear Daily, when it comes to the luxury market and teens, small bags are cigarettes and fake bags are pot. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• That said, teens would rather buy a venti light mocha Frappuccino from Starbucks than a Coach bag. [WWD, sub req'd]