Jesusophile believes that the best way to demonstrate his understanding of the functioning of the female anatomy is with a tomato that he calls Natalie. He really likes Natalie.

Jesusophile is about to pentrate Natalie's soft squishy core with the best representation of his penis he could find to use on camera: a spoon. Anticipation, baby.

That first moment of sweet penetration always inspires this look.

Even Jesusophile is smart enough not to go all the way to the hilt in the first stroke.

Here, Jesusophile takes a moment to admire the hole he's created with his faux-phallus.

Does anyone else worry that he's about to eat Natalie out with some fava beans and a nice Chianti?

And then he fingers Natalia, delicately at first.

God made him do it! No, Natalie, run!

AHHHHHHHH! No one told me this was going to be slash porn!

He just can't believe what he's done!

Scared of his own brutal desires, Jesusophile resorts to sucking his thumb.

He says, "I am not sure how Jesus feels about licking [the clitoris]," which is why he resorts to sodomizing vegetables, mutilating them and eating them, because he's not sure God wants men to eat pussy.

In summary, when you are lacking in vegetables, "Put your sperm where is needs to be and, women, you can play with your clitoris. That's what God wants you to do."

And Now, A Safer Sex Message [Andrew Sullivan]

Susie Bright, sex-positive feminist and author, was gracious enough to help with your most troubling sex questions. All week, she and her daughter Aretha will be providing us with their sage advice. After the jump!

A lot of Jezzie readers asked yesterday, "Where does Susie Bright get off saying a woman can't come from intercourse alone?"

I think we have a "word" problem. When I say that penis-vagina intercourse can't make a woman orgasm, I mean that the sensation of a phallus sliding against vaginal walls is not sufficient. If our vaginal walls were sensitive enough to spark orgasm, we would all suffer horrible deaths during childbirth. It's our birth canal!

When I insist, "There's got to be some clitoral stimulation, or there's no female orgasm," I'm talking about a very big understanding of the clit. It is a lot bigger than most people think. And you can't see most of it from the outside! There's certainly more than one way to make it happy.

Let's think about men's anatomy-everyone knows what a man's cock and balls look like. If you told a man that his "penis" was nothing more than the head of his cock-his "glans"-he would laugh in your face. If he pitied you, he might tell you that there was an important aspect to the penis called the shaft, also the frenulum, and perhaps a foreskin. His scrotum and balls are part of the essential package as well.

Women's anatomy education, on the other hand, has been a giant exercise in vacancy.

Until recent times, we've been schooled that the clitoris-the female analog to the penis-is nothing more than the small glans one can see on the outside of the vulva. Start laughing. Women have a big, big, clitoral body-but it's nearly all on the inside, instead of the outdoor plumbing that's viewed so easily on men. The reason you hear so much about the "G-spot," and controversies over whether women are excited by internal anal or vaginal pressure, is because those areas are all means to massage, and stimulate, the internal clitoral body. The G-spot isn't some extra accessory; it's just one of many inches on the clitoral map. Remember: the whole clit, and nothing but.

Of course, the female clitoral glans is the super-sensitive part, just like a man's. But in the same way that men like to have their entire penises taken into account when they're aroused, women are favored by attention to their entire clitorises.

When I present this information in public, I am hampered by my lack of rendering skills. Now, finally, I have the genius of Betty "Quick Draw" Dodson to show you what's it's all about. The next time someone asks you, "Where's the clitoris? What does it look like? How do you know where to find it?" you simply come over here, and press play.

And now, for our next question:
THE BOY WHO DIDN'T LIKE DOGGIE
I like being fucked from behind, but my boyfriend refuses to even try it. He says it's gross, that it's for dogs, not people. What can I do to persuade him that it's fun, and not an insult?
Alessandra

Aretha: He's the problem. What's the matter with him?? Ummm…watch Snoop Dogg.

Susie: JESUS CHRIST! I don't want to hear about what you watch…

Aretha: Well, I didn't want to hear you answer that other masturbation question!

Susie: Okay, let's start over. We agreed we could both say "TMI" whenever we wanted to. How do we get this boyfriend to not be so uptight?

Aretha: I'd probably get a little evil.

Susie: You mean, trick him?

Aretha: Yeah, lay down and say you want a back massage, "Just a back massage." So then he has to straddle you, so he can do it right. That gets him used to being relaxed on top of you. Look back at him, give him lots of eye contact and encouragement. Ask him to bite your neck. He's just got to get comfortable being back there. You'll feel his comfort level coming up, and then you just make it happen. If all fails, just sit on him backwards, and slip it in.

Susie: You make it sound so simple. But you're probably right. I have to guess this is a young man. I don't think this phase of his is going to last very long. He probably thinks all kinds of things are gross, like green vegetables, but pretty soon he's going to grow up.

THE SLUT FACTOR
At what point is promiscuity self-destructive? At what point is it empowering?
Carrie

Aretha: It depends on the people you're sleeping with! No jealous jerks, psychos, disrespectful people. Keep a standard. Know what you're attracted to, and don't fuck just anybody.

Susie: Well, that would be easy if you could tell all of that ahead of time. What about the other side, how do you know if it's empowering?

Aretha: Having as much sex as you want is empowering when you're having fun, you're eating, sleeping, working, getting on with your life.

Susie: I love that you always put sleeping on your "Top 5" list. I have a problem with that word, "promiscuity." It implies sluttiness, which is used to shame women, not men. It's not what the town prude thinks about you that's the issue, it's whether you're having satisfying reciprocal sex with people who respect sex itself.

GROSS FOR SOME PEOPLE
Okay, this may be gross for some people, but I have to ask. My boyfriend has expressed an interest in being peed and shat on. I'm totally curious to try this out but I have no idea how to do it at all, I know how to go to the bathroom, I obviously mean in a sexy, clean, fun way for both of us and also with minimal clean-up if possible. Any suggestions? Also, I am wondering where this interest comes from for people? Is it Freudian or is it as simple as just wanting to try new and different things sexually?
Rose

Aretha: OH MY GOD! No way! It's always a shocker when a young man "expresses" himself…most of them hardly say anything. Mom, I DON'T KNOW! What happens to the shit? Do you do it in shower? What is the right setting?

Susie: The bathroom is the right place; you've got that right. The pee is not really that big of a deal, it's sterile, you've probably peed in the shower before and never even thought about it.

Aretha: My default answer to all sex questions is light some candles and it'll be a lot sexier. Bubble bath!

Susie: Dealing with scat makes things a lot more medical, you have to put on your nurse hat and really plan things, to avoid infection. I would treat these two things apart, 'cause the pee could be an easy experiment without a lot of risk, and then you could see how you felt about his fantasy, and the whole psychological side of it, with him. Here's a couple of highly informative books: Anal Pleasure and Health, and Intimate Invasion: The Erotic Ins & Outs of Enema Play.

You could ask where his fantasy comes from…you could ask that about anything. Why do people who want to do it in the missionary position, aside from peer pressure? Why do people make porn out of anything and every subject? Fetish usually comes from memories like every part of our unconscious. The hidden issue behind your question is that he wants you to dominate him and revel in humiliation…you have to find out how you jibe with that, regardless of the bodily fluids.

Susie's newest book is X: The Erotic Treasury. She blogs at susiebright.com and podcasts about sex and politics weekly on: In Bed With Susie Bright.

Susie at Happy Ending Lounge, photo by Stacie Joy.