The compound includes the guardhouse plus guest house, pool house, four-car garage, staff quarters, five acres of gardens with fountains, statues, benches, urns and a pond featuring enough koi or carp or flounder to feed the first seating at Le Bernardin…13 bathrooms with gold-plated fixtures, three floors, 24,000 square feet, eight bedrooms, including a "snoring room" off the 75-by-42 master suite (should Jerry get noisy), 10 hand-carved marble working fireplaces, 26-foot-high ceilings, [and] a conservatory.

Day-um! But wait, there's more!

Apparently, the kitchen area/family room the is the largest in the state of Connecticut, seating 40. (JJ and her husband Jerry have 5 children and 11 grandchildren.) There's also "a red plush fully equipped theater with 50 seats, candy concession stand and popcorn machine. At another end, a wine cellar" that Cindy says puts the Plaza to shame, not to mention "a heated pool and spa and massage room, a playroom with pool table, pingpong table, etc., and a large state-of-the-art gym. Also for Judy personally—who's size 2 and, even standing on her IRS forms, only 5-ish feet tall—an enormous custom tub hand-carved from Rosa Aurora stone in Portugal. Says Mark Mariani: 'I put in a small drain so we don't lose her.'"

Seriously, though, Judes deserves it. She slaved away in the family court system in NYC for years because she actually really cared about what happened to those children. (If you ever get the chance, you should watch the original 60 Minutes profile on her from 1993, before she had her TV show. We clipped it here.)

What was funny was that when I was looking for an image of JJ to go with this post, I went to our tag of WWJJD, and was cracking up alone on my couch looking at the series of faces she's making. I compiled them here in this post for your viewing enjoyment:

DON'T JUDGE JUDY BY HER PRICEY DIGS [NY Post]

• Did Hulk Hogan have an affair while he was still living with his wife, Linda? And was the woman he slept with a friend of his daughter, Brooke? [Perez Hilton]
  
• Nicole Richie's baby! On the cover of People! Cute! [People]
  
• Someone styled & shot Lindsay Lohan to look like a tired tranny hooker on the cover of Paper magazine. [The.Life Files]
  
• March 17: The date a judge will tell Sir Paul McCartney how many millions he has to give to ex Heather Mills. Mark your calendars! [Mirror]
  
• Is Amy Winehouse back on drugs? Friends say she feels rehab is turning her into "some sort of zombie with no emotion." She apparently says she feels "numb" and recently held a lighter over her hand and purposely burned her skin. Fuck. [The Sun]

• A court in Norway has postponed Amy's drug possession hearing. She was arrested there last October on charges of marijuana possession. She and Blake Incarcerated were due in court Friday, but Blake is due in court in the UK Friday, so he won't be able to make it. So many court dates, so little time. [USA Today]
• Gossip columnist Cindy Adams wrote that pregnant Nicole Kidman was drinking white wine backstage during the Oscars; Kidman's publicist, who was with Nicole backstage, says the beverage was tea and that Adams is "an idiot, and you can quote me." [News.com.au]
• Jenna Bush had a girls-only spa weekend bachelorette party in Boca Raton; her fiancé had a boys' weekend in Miami. [People]
• Jessica Simpson is traveling to Kuwait to "entertain" the troops. Just what they need. [People]
• High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale had a nose job in November; her recently released doll has her old nose. LOL. [MSNBC]
• Something is going on between Jonathan Jaxson of gossip site JJ's Dirt and Perez Hilton, but it's sort of too early to think about it. The gist: Sex tape in return for blogging help. "I fell in love with Perez. I thought he had a huge heart...but he's just a [bleep]hole," Jaxson says. YAWN. [Page Six]
• Jessica Alba says she was called a slut in 6th grade because she had big boobs. That ain't right. [Page Six]
• Did Selma Blair and model boyfriend Matt Felker split because he came home and found her with another man? [Gatecrasher]
• Britney Spears went to the Betsey Johnson store on Melrose in L.A. and asked if they could copy a Dolce & Gabbana dress. They were all, "uh, no." So she bought the yellow wig on a mannequin in the window. [Gatecrasher]
• The LAPD is investigating suspected drugger/robber Sam Lutfi, though they won't come out and say it. [TMZ]
• Kevin Federline is turning 30 next month with a huge party in Las Vegas. Think Brit's invited? [People]
• Lynne Spears has been praising her ex-husband Jamie for taking control of Britney's troubled life. A family friend says, "He's gathered a team of reputable people who are around [Britney] now. She's not well, but for the first time in a long time she has people around her who really care about her." [People]
• Gwyneth Paltrow has shot a public service announcement for UNICEF to raise money for HIV prevention. [People]
• Is Kate Hudson trying to bag Justin Timberlake? A source says she has been "texting him nonstop." But she's also seeing Owen Wilson, apparently. So. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which TV vixen, based in L.A., spent a lot of the writers' strike downtime in New York City? Word is that she was cheating on her boyfriend with her girlfriend." [Gatecrasher]
• That diamond band, wedding-ish ring Ashlee Simpson's been wearing? "It's a promise ring," she says. From Pete Wentz, natch. [Rush & Molloy]
• Bill Cosby is hosting the Playboy Jazz Festival, if you care. What would Claire Huxtable say? [AP]
• Isaiah Washington was on Capitol Hill meeting with the Congressional Black Caucus and lobbying to preserve the history of an island known off the coast of Sierra Leone. [Politico]
• A judge won't let Ja Rule post bail for his homies, who are co-defendants in a gun possession case. [Yahoo News]
• Josh Hartnett: Forced to fly coach. [Page Six]
• Oooh, Ludacris, Thandie Newton and Gerard Butler star in the new Guy Ritchie movie! [Page Six]
• Boy George denies he kept a 28-year-old Norwegian dude handcuffed in his apartment. Do you really want to hurt me??? [Yahoo News]
• Naomi Campbell remains hospitalized in Brazil, though her doctor says she is "completely cured and walking." Be well! [Yahoo News]

It's the question bouncing around the webosphere today: Britney - victim or deranged slut?

Looks like the NY Post, for one, just can't make up its mind.

Details after the jump.

We kind of like Cindy Adams, even if we haven't a clue what the old dear is burbling on about half the time, but we especially warm to her today as she defends the troubled singer, and nobly forgoes the term 'pop tart':

"Oddly enough, Britney the Baldie is not neglecting the kids as much as it seems. There's a bunch of qualified caretakers for the two children, and she spends daytime with them until she goes out. Or passes out. She does not leave them behind when she hits New York or Vegas. She's not neglectful and does worry about their well-being, even if she's screwed up her own. It's her mother who can't handle the child she brought into the world."

Nicely put Cindy, even if you DO end up rather predictably blaming the mother. Hey, last time we checked Britney's dad was still alive, so why not go after him? It takes TWO to tango your way to a drug-addled bald popstar daughter. Still, good effort.

But just when we think our misogynist friends at the Post have gone all soft on us, Andrea Peyser comes to the rescue with the kind of vitriol that could strip paint from your porch at twenty paces:

"Britney Spears must be stopped. Now!

She's finally done it. Britney has demonstrated to every sentient being inhabiting this planet that she does not possess the adult capacity to care for a cactus, let alone human children.

The head-shaving, tattoo-loving, cheap-wig-wearing mother of the year has staged a public yelp for help. An evidently addled Brit has confused the top of her noggin with her privates - shaving her crown as poorly as the sad naughty parts she has exposed with manic frequency."

Way to go, Andrea! You've certainly got our attention now.

"And now it's been revealed that a week before she attacked her head with a razor, Britney lied to her nanny while in New York - as if she were the spoiled child, not a full-fledged mommy - that she was going out to Duane Reade.

Then, she proceeded to stage an all-night bacchanalia with the likes of a bouncer, strippers and trannies. Imagine - even in this company, Britney was the freak."

What's your point here Andrea? Is lying to the nanny worse than convorting with strippers? Or are they both equally bad? Maybe we should ask your Page Six colleague Richard Johnson, as we're pretty sure he's done both in his time.

"She has gone way too far. A stray cat makes a better parent. K-Fed is a better mother."

You're just having a laugh now, aren't you Andrea, you crazy, crazy thing!

"Britney has all but published skywriting, screaming that she's become dangerously unglued. There should be a sign tattooed on her forehead, warning that this creature must, at all costs, be kept at least 500 feet from all forms of life, human and vegetable. And especially children."

Oh fuck it, let's just cut off her breasts and stab her vagina and then burn her, eh Andrea? Isn't that what you'd really like to do to her? Because it sure fucking sounds that way.

She means well [NY Post]
She doesn't [NY Post]

Bill Clinton to the New York Post's Cindy Adams:

"Your whole palm must slide all the way in. To the hilt. Far as it can go."

Read what Bubba was referring to here.

You've Got to Shake It Like a President. [NYPost]