[New York, July 7. Image via Splash.]

Ariel:
Verdict: If you can't have fins, there's always tiers?

Belle:
Verdict: The website says that the flower detailing at the waist is in reference to Belle's "generous spirit." We still don't get it.

Cinderella:
Verdict: Cinderella. Full skirts. We get it.

Jasmine:
Verdict: What would Edward Said say about the Jasmine looks having "unique" necklines? Probably that same ol' thing about the romanticization of the Other for consumption by the West.

Sleeping Beauty:
Verdict: Apparently Sleeping Beauty likes bows.

Snow White:
Verdict: If you're gonna be in a glass coffin, you might as well accessorize with some tulle and ruching.

Earlier: Disney Bridal: For The Fairy Princess In None Of Us
Disney Bridesmaids Dresses: For The Fairy Princess In None Of Your Friends

Ariel: Verdict: Wow. They're all sea-colored. Deep.

Belle: Verdict: At least one is yellow like the dress Belle danced with the Beast in.

Cinderella: Verdict: Perfect for wicked stepsisters.

Jasmine: Verdict: Just me, or does this model sorta look like Atoosa Rubenstein?

Sleeping Beauty: Verdict: But no way in hell would the 'Toos wear one of these short flouncy things. Maybe the long black one though? She does have a goth side.

Snow White: Verdict: Oh now I remember: Hair as black as coal, lips as red as cherries, skin as white as snow.

Earlier: Disney Bridal: For The Fairy Princess In None Of Us

Verdict: Mermaid tails. How, um, literal.

Verdict: Has Kirstie Kelly woman ever seen Beauty and the Beast? No bookish geek girl worth her library would be seen within spitting distance of this much tulle underlay.

Verdict: Oh come on: Would it have killed her to do at least one of those in that Cinderella blue? Think outside the box, ladies. And by that we mean, translate your cartoon idols as literally as possible.

Verdict: Because in Arabia, they accentuate their hips?

Verdict: Notice how all these styles have sleeves of some sorts. After all that time sleeping, we guess Beauty wasn't afraid to play it coy at the altar.

Verdict: Is it weird that the oldest cartoon yielded one of the more modern looking dresses? I mean, at least that middle one isn't a princess dress.

I'm guessing this marriage lasts 18 months, tops, because real relationships outside of retardo fantasy world aren't about glass slippers and shit. They're about mortgages and mewling babies and peeing with the door open. (Even Teri Hatcher knows to leave Disney fantasies behind: "You're responsible for what you bring to a relationship, so I think the idea of Prince Charming is someone who can take care of everything, and I don't think that's it," she recently said.)

In addition to credit card-wielding adults — yup, there's also an Ariel Visa card! — Disney is hoping women will pass on their fairy-tale tastes to their infant daughters, with diaper-changing mats and cribs festooned with Belle and her bitches coming out next year. And although the childhood love of princesses doesn't seem so bad, isn't wasting your grown-up purchasing power to indulge an antiquated dreamworld pretty pathetic?

Princess Power [Newsweek]
Disney Reaches to the Crib To Extend Princess Magic [Wall Street Journal]
Related: Teri Hatcher: 'I Don't Believe in Prince Charming' [Extra]