Welcome to Would U?, an academic forum in which I share my gross crush of the week and ask if you, too, would bang that person.

Once again, we have reached the time of year when families send out holiday cards that are more polished and professional that anything you’d get from your friendly local State Farm or even a national political campaign.

It’s currently December 9. And, uh, has anybody seen our snow?

I would not relocate to the nineteenth century for love or money. However, they were very good at one thing, and that’s greeting cards. Good God the Victorians loved wacky greeting cards, especially at Christmas.

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is likely the worst Christmas song in the endless pit of holiday music. But in the hands of Star Wars: The Force Awakens stars Daisy Ridley and Oscar Isaac, it’s downright charming. Between Ridley’s perfect lipstick and Isaac’s old-school sway, it makes me long for a full-length musical…

This cool-ass Santa Claus in downtown Portland is a quote-unquote hipster with a man bun who wears a Drake-approved sweater, rides a bicycle and carries around a typewriter. Santa, baby. The only thing missing is a faux air of superiority and apathy.

Add another one to Christmas’s long list of crimes: Not only are all those festive lights interfering with your sleep patterns, they’re also possibly fucking with your wifi. Happy holidays—hope you don’t have big Netflix plans!

Despite what some people might say about it, I have a soft spot for Wham!’s “Last Christmas” and all covers that have followed it. It’s such a terrible Christmas song, mostly because it doesn’t make a ton of sense—the singer is upset because he/she was broken up with the day after Christmas, and this year they’d like…

Everyone loves ugly Christmas sweaters. Everyone loves Target. But not everyone is that into Target’s newest holiday offering—a sweater that makes light of mental illness in order to push a christmas-themed joke.

Oh hey, Christmas is here. First Starbucks forgot that Jesus is the reason for the season and now Bloomingdale’s is encouraging you to date rape your friend. Tech Insider found a charming ad from the retail chain’s holiday catalog in which some creep, who looks a little too much like Robin Thicke, gives his…

On Friday, October 30, I lurched into a Rite Aide looking for some orange streamers and fake spider webs to decorate my apartment appropriately for some Vincent Price viewing. What I found was appalling but not, I fear, surprising—the shelves short on spooky accessories, but already well-stocked with GODDAMN SANTAS.

Kylie Minogue wants us to take a little disco with our eggnog. According to Idolator, she is recording “a seasonal LP comprised of ‘classics’ and ‘disco-influenced’ originals.” Hell yes.