1. Gift buying.
You know what I like? I like seeing something at a random time of the year that reminds me of a person I love and then getting it for them, and saying, I thought you would like this. I do not like the frenzy, deadline and expectations put on Christmas gifts. Your mind gets in a weird place, when you're shopping, and you start thinking anything, ANYTHING would be a great gift. Who doesn't want a new keychain, right? If you're broke, it feels even more horrible. The worst part — and this happened to me last night — is when you get a gift from someone when you didn't get them anything. They say it's better to give than receive, but sometimes receiving comes with heap of guilt.

And don't get me started on Santa, the old white man who wants me to sit on his lap before he'll bring me what I want. It's just twisted.

2. The tree.
Growing up, we always had pretty great trees. Then my sister saw FernGully. How could we cut down her "friend" in the prime of his life? Sap is basically blood and CAN'T YOU SEE HE IS BLEEDING? CAN'T YOU FEEL THE PAIN? She was half-joking but it kind of took the magic out of it. I love the smell of evergreens… but. The ornaments are always broken and lights are a pain in the ass and my mom has this thing about not having old business in the house for the new year so we'd have to throw the tree out on New Year's eve and get pricked with pine needles and seeing the carcasses lining the streets of New York in the weeks after Christmas is basically like a never-ending commercial for seratonin drugs. Where does depression hurt? Everywhere. Who does depression hurt? Everyone. See also: Wreaths.

3. Traveling/Not traveling.
If you go away around Christmas, you're guaranteed a travel nightmare. Traffic, long lines at the airport, delays, etc. And it sucks when people go away… Unless I am also going away. Otherwise, fuck you and your beachy Facebook pictures. No, but seriously: I'm from New York, so I am often here on Xmas. And I hate when all my homies go out of town. :(

4. Religious and racial tension.
I am black. But. Please don't wish me Happy Kwanzaa. I never even heard of Kwanzaa til someone told me about it when I was a freshman in college. I mean it was invented in the '60s and whatnot so I thought it was for blippies and the white people who love them. Anyway 11 months of the year I'm an atheist into astrology, who likes religion in terms of Ancient Egyptians, Greeks and Romans, but only goes to church if someone has died or is getting married, and even then, feels awkward. Then Thanksgiving hits and I'm supposed to be all Merry Christmas Happy Hannukah it's so awesome that the baby Jesus was born like thousands of years ago, here is an iTunes gift card!

5. Egg nog
Disgusting.

6. Fruitcake
See previous item.

7. Closed businesses and empty streets.
New York is the town where you're supposed to be able to eat caviar, rockclimb or pop out for a pint of beer — or ice cream — 24 hours a day. But on Christmas, the bodega has its gate down and you're standing in the street like what am I supposed to use for toilet paper now? Do people deserve a day off? Yes. But after the long lines and frenzy of pre-Christmas shopping, the sudden stoppage — followed by the post-Christmas sale insanity — is kind of sad.

8. CAROLS. For the love of God I heard you the first time in Duane Reade when I was trying to buy tampons. You "need" a little Christmas. Okay. Well get on that. I don't want to hear it in the grocery store, in the cab, in the manicure place, at the Chinese takeout place, in commercials, and as my super's ringtone. I do really like Nat King Cole, though. Sigh. But when Janice Dickinson and Bob Dylan are doing Christmas songs, isn't the genre over?

9. Tacky Holiday "Fashion"
This includes holiday sweaters and the naughty Santa, bow-on-your-cooch crap Frederick's shills.

10. Lists.
Year-end lists, Christmas lists, complaint lists. Like this one.

[London, December 14. Image via Getty]

LONDON, ENGLAND - DECEMBER 14: A woman carries shopping bags off New Bond Street on December 14, 2009 in London, England. High street stores are expecting a bumper Christmas this year despite the economic dowturn, with shoppers spending around GBP £120 million in the past two days alone. (Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images)

You will "save" if you buy right now! There must be someone in your life who needs a "Tower Of Treats." In my case, that person appears to be me.

click "full size" to enlarge

Aw, the Gingerbread Man is adorable. Wait: You have to take his head off to get to the treats? Hmm. I guess that is the fate of all Gingerbread Men and Women. More important: I spy yogurt-covered pretzels. Mmmm.

Look at the size of that chocolate chip cookie. Look at it. Then turn your attention to the true Christmas miracle: Peppermint bark.

Ignore the fruitcake and focus on the Cheesecake Party Wheel. Ask yourself this: Would you like to make a reservation for a party of one?

Fruit paired with cheese and crackers and then a side of popcorn, with cookies and candies for dessert? This is a full meal.

A Tower of Chocolates, however, has my name all over it.

Salty and sweet together really gets those taste buds going, Crunch goes so well with creaminess, and vice-versa. You can nibble, gobble, savor and… um, what were we talking about?

Damn. Forget what I said about fruit not being appealing. That pear looks juicy.

Harry & David [Official Site]

Earlier: Dean & Deluca Thanksgiving: Mouth-Watering, Wallet-Emptying
Mackenzie: Hot, Steamy, Scrumptious Food Porn

Related: Free People: Let's Pretend It's The Summer Of '69
Anthropologie's Hazy Shade Of Winter
Fetchdog, Drs Fosters & Smith: Howliday Humiliation For Dogs & Cats

All previous catalog posts

Halloween: All Bullshit's Eve
The last trick-or-treating doorbell is also the starting pistol for news stories about how early "the holidays" are beginning these days. Said stories correspond with advertisers' exhortations to get your shopping done early, and to decorate your home with things like cardboard maple leaves and shellacked ears of inedible corn.

Nov. 20: The Feast of the Weight-Loss Tips
This "feast" is actually celebrated throughout the year, but kicks into high gear a few days before Thanksgiving with advice on keeping off "those holiday pounds." Women's magazines run articles on how to replace something good with something less good (want marshmallows? try something that's not marshmallows!), while every other media outlet stuffs the eyes and ears with food porn. Celebrate this holiday with a traditional snack of rice cakes layered with pure suet.

Day After Thanksgiving: Black Friday
This day is most enthusiastically celebrated in the direct-marketing community. Members of this vibrant culture learn from their mothers and grandmothers how to mix up a delicious batch of junk mail, spiced with exclamation points and sweetened with love. These simple folk delight in sharing their sales, deals, and specials with you — like an iPhone app that tells "recessionistas" where to buy stuff. Today's direct marketers have improved on their ancient customs: holiday shopping isn't just about buying stuff anymore, it's about buying stuff that helps you buy more stuff.

Monday After Thanksgiving: Cyber Monday
Sadly, Cyber Monday is not the day for "cyber sex with a guy named eric" (except insofar as every day is). Rather, this celebration was launched in 2005 to commemorate the noble tradition of spending money without interacting with other people. The term Cyber Monday was coined by the National Retail Foundation, whose website CyberMonday.com advertises can't-miss deals like a "Free signature iPhone case with $250 Marc by Marc Jacobs purchase at Saks.com!" Apparently "It has been postulated that through mainstream media adoption of the term, combined with retailers hoping to drive more traffic to their sites, that the "Gimmick" of Cyber Monday could become a "Real Trend"." The foregoing is one of the most depressing sentences I have ever read on Wikipedia, and possibly anywhere.

Day After Cyber Monday: Downer Tuesday
This is the day when news outlets report the decline in holiday retail sales since the glory days of the debt bubble, and consumers feel bad for how little they bought. This holiday is a lot like Mardi Gras, and should be celebrated similarly — with unbridled consumption. Go buy a Zhu Zhu hamster — hell, buy ten. Hamsters eat their young, so you might need a couple extra.

Sometime Around December 5: St. Abstemius's Day
St. Abstemius was the patron saint of toothless cultural criticism, and his feast day is the time when newspaper commentators bemoan the overcommercialization of the holiday season. Traditionally, the oldest girl in the household spends this day making gifts for everyone else out of old wrapping paper, bottle caps, and her own hair. Then she sprinkles the family's shoes with a mixture of extra virgin olive oil and bile. Then everyone goes out and buys more stuff.

December 20: Panic Day
Those who celebrate Hanukkah will be all done as of this day (at least in 2009), but the fun is just beginning for Christians and other worshippers at the Church of Christmas Shit-Buying. Panic Day is marked by increasingly obtrusive warnings about the amount of time before Christmas, and by a corresponding decrease in the availability of anything anyone would actually want to buy. Celebrate this day by purchasing a talking bottle opener for someone you mildly dislike.

December 25: The Climax of Consumption
Americans open their gifts and, just as the prophets of advertising promised, they are completely, ecstatically happy.

December 26: Boxing Day
Return everything.

Cyber Monday [Wikipedia]

[Fort Worth, November 27. Image via Getty]

FORT WORTH, TX - NOVEMBER 27: Shoppers Jeri Hull (L) and Karen Brashear (R) wait in line while shopping at Toys'R'Us during the Black Friday sales event on November 27, 2009 in Fort Worth, Texas. Toys'R'Us stores nationwide opened at midnight Thursday, November 26, providing shoppers access to its Black Friday deals five hours earlier than ever before. According to the National Retail Federation, a trade organization, as many as 134 million people, 4.7% more than last year, will shop this Friday, Saturday or Sunday. (Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images)

1. Hair Max Laser Comb
For: Your uncle with the receding hairline?
Because if there's one thing that can solve any problem on earth, it's lasers. Everyone knows that. This thing has NINE lasers, for nine times the pain efficiency! The $495 price tag is a drawback; you'd better have a lot of cousins who want to chip in.

2. Break-resistant Wine Glasses
For: Your Aunt Alkie?
Thanksgiving will be less embarrassing! But be warned: Auntie may experience a major drop in productivity, and you may have to drive her home.

3. X5 Hair Laser or Toppik
For: Your other Uncle with the receding hairline?
Notice how the dead forest of hair becomes a thicket? It's magic! And the spray-on hair is better than that toupee.

4. G Defy Sneakers
For: Your friend who just had a baby?
More energy, pain relief, etc. And the little sperm logo is just adorbs.

5. Remote-Controlled Tarantula
For: Your Goth niece?
The black widow will help her on her mission to frighten her parents in brand new ways.

6. Stainless Steel Wallet
For: Your tightwad brother?
He's obsessed with counting every cent, and he doesn't even know about radio-frequency hacking. Encourage — and manage — his paranoia.

7. Slanket
For: Yourself
Yeah, it's sooo 2008. Call me when you're cold and typing and wishing your blanket had sleeves.

8. Digital Notepad
For: Your BFF who's getting married?
She can scribble notes about seating charts, her gown and flower arrangements and then email them to a batch of people, 9 out of 10 of whom will hit "delete."

9. Forest Faces
For: Your own lawn. Sure, they're horrifying — and thus, they keep the neighborhood kids living in fear, far from your property.

10. Rock Lamp
For: Your sister who longs to be one with the earth and also smokes a lot of pot. The flame looks so cool when you're stoned.

11. CoverTiques
For: Your coworker who's always showing waaaay too much cleavage. Just leave it on her chair, with a note from "Secret Santa."

12. Litter Robot
For: The crazy cat lady in your life; bonus if she's a sci-fi fan. Kitty's going into space!

13. Peanuts Nativity
For: The aging hippie in your life, who'll think it's funny that Woodstock is the baby Jesus.

14. Head Spa Massager
For: Anyone you want to see looking like a fool.

15. King Tut Lifesize Sarcophagus Cabinet
For: Your mummy. Obvs.

16. The Inspirers Collection™ Portraits
For: Black people. Seriously, they should call this "stuff black people like." My Great Uncle Julius would move his Roots mural and hang these over his couch if he were still alive.

17. Happy Feet
For: Your Jimmy Choo-obsessed friend. Dare her to wear them out of the house.

18. Warm Whiskers Neck Wrap
For: Your nephew who wants to be Gunther Gable or either Siegfried or Roy when he grows up. Throw in something sequined; he'll thank you later.

No presents here… It's just that sometimes, we post a Photoshop Of Horrors and someone will ask, "why don't they just use illustrations?" Here's your answer: Some companies do! The results are terrifying.

Last, but not least:
19. No! No!
For: Honestly, I'm not sure who could benefit. But I do think it's interesting that the girly pink one costs $30 more than the manly red one.

Earlier: 8 Products From SkyMall You Can Use To Kill Someone
SkyMall: Shopping The Friendly Skies For Pointless Products
More SkyMall: The Mile-High Commerce Club

MOE: I wanted to enter on some funny note incorporating Sully's reax to Bristol Palin having a kid after all, but he has been posting pictures of people's windows. It doesn't look like he has posted actual content in days —- GAY.

MEGAN: Presumably he's on vacation? Besides, I'm sure he would be happy to argue that Tripp (my God, girl, seriously, the kid has to live with that name!) is her second kid anyway.

MOE: Seriously TRIPP EASTON MITCHELL?

MEGAN: She is selling the pictures of him for $300,000 to People, since Levi's mom got arrested and people started giving a shit again. Which is a nice start in life for two high school drop-outs, which I'm sure they won't squander at all.

MOE: Yes which I am sure they will both give to charity with Sarah Palin's outfits etc. etc.

MEGAN: Ha, there's no word that they are giving a dime of it to charity. I mean, I wouldn't, but I probably wouldn't sell pictures of my kid to People either.

MOE: How awesome would it be if they totally used part of the money on a Japanese light truck ? Oh please, 300 grand? Yes you fucking would.

MEGAN: Who are you kidding? Monster truck, baby, it's Alaska in the winter. Also, women in my family put on crazy baby weight, unless they would Photoshop me, I'd need $500,000, minimum.

MOE: You're not laid off enough yet lady.

MEGAN: One more day, and then I'll be on the phone with Christie Hefner pitching a "Women of the Blogosphere" spread, I know. I mean, that's obviously only if David Paterson goes with an actual politician instead of taking me up on yesterday's offer to fill Hillary Clinton's Senate seat.

MOE: This is not relevant, but I'm pretty sure she stepped down. She was on the CNBC the other day, because obviously Playboy is really important to our economy. Incidentally, um, Caroline Kennedy, why, sick of it, find a real candidate, etc. etc.

MEGAN: Hefner is stepping down in January, but she's remaining in a non-executive board position until they find a successor. Caroline Kennedy, Camelot, history of celebrity candidates in the state, anyone but Andrew Cuomo, Paterson not pleased by her campaign, etc.

MOE: Now here is a public servant I can relate to…why let hundreds of dead Palestinians ruin vacation? Ughhjesus. Speaking of, you're in town right?

MEGAN: I often vow not to allow breaking wars to interrupt my vacations, not that I've had one since September 2007. Yeah, I'm in Queens, watching Morning Joe and drinking coffee that my incredibly awesome friend actually brought up to me from the kitchen, Splenda and all. Yeah, Virginia, there is a caffeinated Crappy Hour going on.

MOE: Uh speak for yourself. I'm all true to the name today. Ran out of beans. Spent the morning fixing router. "Fixing." Anyway, slow news week, except I guess for all the "world events" like killings and reverse walks up the path to democracy and things. Did you discuss this guy yesterday?

MEGAN: No, we didn't get around to discussing the man that finally brought down Bill Jefferson, but he sounds kind of awesome. Catholic seminarian turned politician to enact social change as a Republican.

MOE: It's sort of an incredible story. My little sister's boyfriend is a teacher in New Orleans and my dad was trying to convince him to go work for this guy instead (although, from the sounds of his stories, seems like the district could use some good teachers.) He was an independent until recently. And not just a Catholic seminarian a JESUIT seminarian hello.

MEGAN: Well, obviously, are there that many other seminarians that go teach in Mexican slums? Plus I feel like crises of faith and quoting Kierkegaard is uniquely Jesuit.

"That's what happened to me in Mexico. I was working in extremely poor conditions, and I wanted to promote social change. I came to believe, over the course of two or three years, that the best way to do that would be to enter public office. It would also allow me to have a family — the celibate life can be quite lonely. So I drafted a course of action for myself to enter politics. But it was a quite painful discernment. It implied I would have to leave the seminary. I would have to start life over again. I would have to make that leap of faith."

MOE: He married his old catechism student! That seems similarly old-school. Anyway this guy and Bobby Jindal are the "faces of the new GOP" maybe. If that is the case Barack Obama has sure ushered in a lot of change already! How do you feel about the cabinet thus far?

MEGAN: I'm ok, I think Geithner stuck his foot in it with his comments about Sheila Bair not being a team player, but otherwise, it seems pretty good. Diversity, smart people, etc. No one really unacceptable. You?

MOE: Yeah ditto not like I've done that much research outside the Bair issue. I feel like we'll learn a lot more about all this beginning next week. Too bad this feature will be over. But won't your life be less shitty? (Uh, actually I can answer that: sort of.)

MEGAN: Well, I would rather still have a full-time job, even if it meant getting up early, reading all the news and then writing this thing for 90 minutes. It's not like a get to sleep in, even.

MOE: Sleeping in is weird, because you just sort of lose all that time. Oh the end of the Cao story is kind of sweet:

Barbara Lacen Keller is one of those black voters whom Cao will have to sway.

An activist in city politics for 40 years, she voted for Jefferson, her fellow church member, in part because he'd come through the Democratic ranks and knew what black residents needed, she says.

But she lives in east New Orleans, not far from Cao. The area is still one of the poorest in the region. There are power lines and the interstate in the distance. There are the little shopping centers where every store has a Vietnamese name. There are junkyards and transmission shops and Gill's Crane and Dozer Services.

"This is my city. I love it. I want it to have the best," she says. "I look at the disparity Joe's been able to overcome, to come to a country where he was totally lost and had to fend for himself. He had to learn the language and culture, not just in America, but in New Orleans, a place that's so unique. To come out as successful as he is, that says something."

MEGAN: Maybe recognizing the contributions of immigrants to our economy and country is coming back into vogue? That would be nice. And the thing I like about sleeping in is losing time. It's like the oblivion of drinking heavily, but without the headache or dehydration.

MOE: Right and the best thing is how you can put off the inevitable headache and dehydration! So, like, should we talk about how we did not contribute to the economic activity this holiday season and how we don't feel bad about that assuming you don't? Because Bristolspawn is still like the biggest headline I can find.

MEGAN: Well, I don't feel terrible about spending less on Christmas what with the whole "need my money to pay my mortgage" thing in January, but I didn't fail to buy any presents. I just shopped a lot at Target, book stores and Bed, Bath and Beyond. Oh, and Sears. I also bought myself a sweater at Target ($12) and a T shirt at Old Nacy ($5) and a bottle of wine ($13).

MOE: Other than how much I hate people other than SamRon who look good in white jeans Sasha effing Obama

MEGAN: I feel like a combination of the red clay in the DC area and a puppy will end the era of white jeans for Sasha, have no fear. And no one will be buying clothes that aren't durable during the recession unless they are SamRon, so I think you won't have to worry about feeling obligated. I think it's all about dark jeans, black sweaters and grey T-shirts for the recession fashionista, so you'll be one of the most stylish women I know.

MOE: Yeah I bought books.. Like I bought the memoir about that pregnant "man" Labor of Love for my sister. and a book about St. Augustine and the Jews for my dad. And 2666 for my sister. I decorated them with Sarah Palin paper dolls and that was pretty much it. A new national savior was our Xmas gift!

MEGAN: I got a Sacco and Venzetti book for my brother-in-law and a oral history of early baseball for my grandpa, two mysteries for my dad plus a scifi novel he wanted because I'd borrowed it from my friend Eric, who had forgotten that he loaned it to me and picked up another copy at a used bookstore for a quarter, so he gifted his original copy to me and I gave it to my dad, who finally forgave Eric for picking me up for a date in high school in a puke green Gremlin with the license plate "Tailgunnr".

MOE: Haha dude Levi Johnston is taking notes right now. I'm reading a story about farming, and how it is not as profitable as it was when commodity prices were high (duh) and the subject is talking about how he used to assume he would make more money if he went back to banking, but then the ethanol subsidies came, and then there's like, this sidebar on Ethiopia, and you're left thinking, "First World Problems," but I'm not sure if that's partially because the guy looks like someone who could stand to lay off the HF corn syrup sigh. Wait also Rick Warren is a Melissa Etheridge fan? I am going to think about that when I go back to bed Love Me See you tomorrow. I will in the meantime try to determine what all to say about Ehud Barak and all that.

For your nephew:
Instead of getting trampled while trying to pick up Guitar Hero III, why not order a real guitar? Bonus points if he has hippie leanings. Include sheet music of "Blowing In The Wind."
($39.99-$99.99)

For your friend's kid with ADD:
Moon shoes will let her bounce around the house with wild abandon — and anyone under 180 lbs. can try 'em!
($39.99)

For your cousin who takes karate and loves conspiracy theories:
Anything on this page! Nurture her Kill Bill obsession with a "fantasy" knife set (throwing star included!), $49.99; help her spy on the neighbors with a telescope, $69.99; encourage her to become a bounty hunter with this horrifyingly realistic semi-automatic air pistol, $89.99; she and her brother can play "Fallujah" with a fully-automatic "M16" air rifle, $69.99. Her parents may stop speaking to you, but isn't that what you secretly hope for?

For your significant other:
As we've mentioned before, nothing says "I love you, but you're always on the freakin couch in front of the damn TV" like an acrylic/polyester/cotton "cuddlewrap." The wolf design is especially classy. ($24.99-$39.99)

For your friends who just had a baby:
Forget the teddy bears and onesies. Get the exhausted couple something they really need: A bar. Free stools! ($199.99)

For your wacky aunt:
Help her heed the call of the wild! A 23-piece bath set in mysterious tiger, lonesome egret, "band of thunder" (aka horses), and the always classy howling wolf. You may be like, why would anyone need a matching shower curtain, bath mat, lotion dispenser, tissue holder, wastebasket, toothbrush holder and shower hooks? Ours is not to wonder why, ours is but to do and die buy.

Um, is Fingerhut really telling me to "keep it real"? As the kids say, ROTFLMAO!!!

No. Please. Make it stop.

There is no way that Jesus approves of this hideous shit.

Oh wait, do they mean for Him?

R2-D2 Digital Video Projector (!!!!)
The pros: Freakin' awesome. Projects DVDs and iPod videos onto your ceiling or wall. You can also project jpegs or video games. Holy crap. As if that were not enough, the wireless remote is shaped like the Millennium Falcon. Genius!!!!
The cons: Price tag of $2800. D'oh! Santa needs a trust fund!

RoboPanda is terrifying. Seriously. Especially when you take into account that it sings. Look at the way it gazes into the panda with fur, as if to say, "You're more real than I am. I am feeling jealousy. I may have to kill you, even though you are not technically alive." ($149.95)

The iTower looks kind of weird and we're not sure how it sounds, but for those with limited space this is a great idea: Stick it in the corner, by the bed, in the bathroom, etc. Electronics with small footprints are your friends. ($179.95)

Light-up leash for dogs who go to raves! ($39.95)

Chargepod is not as elegant as Multipot, but it's still a good idea: all your crap gets charged in the same place and a little indicator lights let you know what's charging up. One problem is the crazy spider design which will never fit on a teeny night table. ($99.95)

AlcoHAWK is a personal blood-alcohol content screener. Is this encouraging drinking and driving? No! Because it says so, right at the bottom: Never drink and drive. But yeah, if you're worried about your next DUI, go ahead and invest. Also: If you receive this as a gift, someone is probably trying to save your life. There will be an intervention by New Year's, for sure. ($139.95)

So these Komachi knives come in different colors to prevent cross-contamination (one for meat, one for fish, one for veggies, etc.) but they're also just pretty, and, sometimes, that's enough. ($24.95 each)

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