I didn't actually remember that, but I had a friend who grew up in Oklahoma and he told me about it. Anyway, the point is that I told you that I was going to say something nice about this country I am staying in, and fuck if I wouldn't trade the inability to buy tampons at certain times of the day (and maybe even liberal access to Adderall) for a national health system run by sane people who for whatever reason aren't constantly asserting their right to a conscience. (Who wired these people's consciences, anyway?) (And how much do you want to bet these guys all turn out to be key hubs in a massive meth supply chain a few years down the road?) (Okay, yes I miss America again.)

"Pro-Life" Drugstores Market Beliefs [Washington Post]

Friends of Jesus are also talking about sex these days, and not just the missionary position. In his new book Rapture Ready!: Adventures in the Parallel Universe of Christian Pop Culture , Daniel Radosh explores a Christian website called The Marriage Bed, which offers sex advice toChristians. "This is the site to check if you're looking for the Christian case for women using strap-on dildos on their husbands ('If the only access to the prostrate is through the rectum, and I know for a fact that my pressing on the prostrate increases his pleasure, then perhaps it is ok in God's eyes for me to do that for the man He's given me') or men ejaculating on their wives faces ('It's part of our nature to want to be creative with where we 'release' our most basic creative force, and I can't help but want to be creative, I was created in my Creators image')," Radosh writes. Facials, pegging, abortion: it can be a regular old liberal party when you're down with J.C.!

How Would Jesus Choose? [Newsweek]
Rapture Ready! Excerpt [Salon]

Kohler doesn't really answer her own question (she ends the essay discussing how she and the hub resolved their kitchen issues, but doesn't really come back to the Jew business), but as a Jew who lives in sin with a Protestant, it definitely got me thinking. My boyfriend and I make joking comments all the time about our stereotypical differences: Whenever he gets mock-offended by my filthy mouth, I always tell him to stop being such an "uptight WASP." And sometimes, when I burrow my face into his armpit, he'll comment about my "pointy Jew nose." Is our banter really masking some deep-seeded prejudices we hold about each other's backgrounds? Or are we enriching each other through religious differences? Does it not matter at all since neither of us has actually stepped foot in a house of worship since the Clinton Administration? So many questions dislodged from one little Oprah essay! Just like Kohler, I don't have the easy answers to these questions, but I will say that my boy is so WASPy that he puts mayonnaise on everything. If that's not an insurmountable cultural difference, I think we're probably okay.

Sheila Kohler Official Website
The Love Issue [O: The Oprah Magazine]

Larry King: Is this — is this true, that you once exhorted women in the audience to shop at Victoria's Secret to help their marriage?

J. OSTEEN: Oh, well, that was — that's probably true. I think the whole...

KING: That's why you're smiling all the time.

J. OSTEEN: OK. OK. I hope it was in a good context, though. I mean, I wasn't — it's too much to explain now, but yes I did.

V. OSTEEN: Yes, he was encouraging women. He was encouraging women to take careful [care of?] themselves.

J. OSTEEN: Yes.

V. OSTEEN: And to not go around in their old, you know, bathrobes, and that they could add that spark to their home. And I think that was great.

KING: What's wrong with that?

J. OSTEEN: No, there's nothing. And that was my point, don't go look good and dress up to go to work and dress up to go to event[s?] for everybody else. Dress up for your own husband. I mean, look good at home.

Oh P.S. there's a poll attesting to the fact that everyone agrees with the Osteens; kill me now.

Preacher Joel Osteen Says Wives Should Shop At Victoria's Secret [Ada Calhoun]

The only excuse I can muster is that I was hurrying to make the library before it closed. I couldn't argue that this was exactly the kind of thing a discipline was designed to manage. I was taken into the bedroom and told to lean over the foot of the bed with my knees on the bed."

By the way, she writes a lot about her struggle to lose weight (she's 187 pounds) which could be part of the whole "discipline" fetish, though it also puts off the idea that her blog is run by some professional niche pervert, unless it's just the "big beautiful" subniche of the Christian sadomasochism niche, though after reading a few posts we were reminded of how Christian diet guru Gwen Shamblin would always talk in interviews about how she had a "crush" on the stern, manly God the Father — not so much into his son, who after all was kind of a submissive if you think about it — and Holy Shit we have gotten wayyyyyyy too far into the minds of crazy people here and we're about ready to let you take the lead.

Spare The Rod, Spoil The Wife [Salon]

Just a warning: we are not going to be able to contain this news to one post, or even seven. We sort of thought this kind of temerity went out of style with Henry VIII, but no! Newt Gingrich, the whole time he was leading the charge to bring down Clinton for splooging on Monica's dress, was cheating on his second wife — the one he was fucking while his first wife was too busy swallowing radioactive juice to fend off cancer to swallow, ugh... you get the point. The Other Woman, former Congressional aide/apparent eye job recipient Callista Bisek, is Wife #3 now, natch — though Newt couldn't well call himself a crusader for Jesus if he hadn't tried to get the church to annul the marriage to Wife #2 on the basis — and maybe we should just rename this entire saga Newt: Natch! — that it should never have happened in the first place, since he was already married BEFORE!

We don't know the details, and we doubt Focus On The Family chief James Dobson, whose aggressive interviewing style elicited this little chronicle in the Awesome Powers of God's Forgiveness, will want to rub salt in this clearly remorse-wracked man's open wounds. But we'll be sure to keep you updated between praying to our lord and savior for this poor man's tormented soul. By which we mean, barfing.

Gingrich Had Affair During Clinton Probe [AP]

Proving yet again, that the Devil has all the best tunes, Christians have no sense of humor, and white men really shouldn't rap no matter how much they think they can, we give you godtube. Bonus points if you find the video explaining that bananas are proof that God exists.

[godtube]

While laughing at the New Peter Pan Guy yesterday, we came across a curious little gem called Restoredmarriages ('For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce. Malachi 2:16'), founded by, yup, the New Peter Pan Guy, Tim H. Corban himself.

Anyway, since losing his beloved Kenisha, Tim's been rounding up some other losers couples who were estranged and then reunited in the love of the Lord, but only after having had sex with someone else (oops! Looks bad for ya there, Timmy) and getting them to spill the beans.

Here's Lorne Matthews, who's been a very naughty boy:

" Our family started using the hair styling services of a woman in our church. One day I visited the shop in her home for a haircut. As she completed the job, she gently caressed me and this action sparked the fire of lust within me to become fully kindled. The iniquity I hid in my heart now erupted into a blazing fire. We met next day, determined to divorce our mates and continue this abundant life our sinful hearts craved."

Whew! He sure moves fast. Anyway, he moved out, met a millionaire and had lots of sex. And then everyone started dying, so he went back to his wife. That's the short-story. If you want the steamy and enjoyably batty full version, head on over to restoredmarriages.org. It's where all the cool kids hang out.

[nutter]
[earlier nutter]