National Porn Sunday is run by the oddly-named XXX Church, whose website states,

Porn Sunday seeks to drive the conversation about pornography into our churches, families and lives. This weekend service brings healing to those sitting in churches who are caught up in pornography.

For Leon, it brings easy targets. When a "large, highly repressed woman with glasses in matching tweed suit jacket and skirt" points him to her husband's "testimony" about losing interest in her due to porn, Leon reflects, "How surprising. Who would have thought that her husband would become sexually disinterested in this piece of work?" And here's how he says he chatted with "a large, smiley manly man:"

"Today's sermon was, how do I say it, powerful!" I exclaim. "I could tell you firsthand how porn has affected my life.

"Has it been something you've been struggling with," the manly man asks, making creepy eye-contact that shifts as I explain my faux porn addiction.

"Yes," I say, licking my dry lips, explaining that I was addicted to gay porn, most specifically photos of men in the outdoors doing very compromising things. His creepy eye-contact becomes stronger. I wave his brochure. "Yeah, I'll have to check out this Men's Prayer retreat. (Pause.) We'll be camping, right?"

Is that you, Bruno? But mock-the-Christians free-for-all aside, Porn Sunday does appear to have taught Leon some disturbing things about XXX Church's anti-porn crusade. In Dirty Little Secret (above), a video shown at the event, a guilty husband confesses, "If I have to be brutally honest, it's not just naked women I look at" — implying that looking at straight porn either leads you to homosexuality (horrors!) osr possibly, as Leon guesses, "Brazilian monkey porn." And the pastor "tells of an email he claims to have received from a 12-year-old girl who's struggling against porn. It was written while crying with alcohol and a bottle of sleeping pills in front of her, because Satan now gives her nightmares." This 12-year-old, if she exists, deserves to be told that her sexual desires are normal, not that "Satan is pimpin' this generation" and trying to make her "his ho" (apparently "hip-hop language" is another tool of XXX Church). I'm not sure that we needed an "infiltrator" to tell us that fundamentalist anti-porn programs are ignorant, sex-negative, and creepy. Still, maybe we should all watch a little porn this Sunday in protest — after all, Satan has to get his money somehow.

Porn Sunday, The XXX Church, And You! [True/Slant]

This was the youth minister's main example:

"He observed that the only self-identified Christian is the shiny blond Quinn, cheerleading president of the celibacy club, who is pregnant by one classmate but pretending the father is another. (To make matters more complicated, in a heartbreaking scene, she begs her parents' forgiveness; in righteous fury, they throw her out of the house.)"

Um, that's not anti-Christian? That youth minister should look around: that plotline, from the celibacy club hypocrisy to the parent's reaction is practically documentary.

The Gospel of Glee [Time]

Prejean's interview is filled with the type of rage-inducing quotes we've come to expect from the fallen beauty queen ("I've never said that I hated gays. I have friends who are gay. I have hairdressers who are gay"), but perhaps the most interesting aspect of the article is how Prejean's notion of Christianity matches up with the comments left by readers who feel she isn't properly representing the religion. "We're all in process," Prejean says about her Christianity, "No one's perfect; Christians are especially not perfect. It's funny-there are people who think Christians are perfect or are holy people who go around judging everybody, but [it's] actually the complete opposite. We love one another, we don't always love the sin but we love the sinner."

The comments that follow the piece, however, show a markedly split opinion of Ms. Prejean, with many commenters attacking her for not being a "real" Christian while others claim she deserves the forgiveness and guidance. In a way, it's a pretty fascinating look at the struggle for identity in the Evangelical Christian community, as the notion of what a "real Christian" is seems to be debatable.

Some commenters are quick to dismiss Prejean, stating that she's not a true representative of the religion:

Becky Posted: November 13, 2009 4:34 PM
PLEASE do not give this "Christian" anymore air time or face time. Radar online today has unearthed eight more sex tapes and 30 nude pictures of miss Prejean. THIS WOMAN DOES NOT REPRESENT CHRISTIANITY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM PERIOD.

Jonathan Posted: November 13, 2009 9:27 AM
I do not see any way in which the name of Christ has been glorified by Ms. Prejean's actions. Because of her and those who take advantage of her, people that vanity, self-centeredness, immaturity, sexual hypocrisy, a judgmental attitude and ignorance are marks of a Christian. And that doesn't even touch on the fact that it appears she may be lying about many aspects of the things that have happened behind closed doors. Perez Hilton looked like a food through all of this, but at least people don't think he is representing Christ. Ms. Prejean does far more damage.

Others defend her, noting that attacking Prejean isn't exactly an example of true Christian values, either:

Christian Student Posted: November 13, 2009 8:57 AM
The Evil One is really having his way with us. I read this article a few days ago, come back today, and what do I read? More hateful, judgemental, and, honestly, un-Christian posts. I see people calling Prejean hateful names, each other hateful names, throwing Bible passages at each other, not in order to spread the Truth of the Word, but to justify more hateful thoughts and comments towards Prejean and towards each other. Yes, Prejean has and continues to make many mistakes, like all of us have and still do, but instead of calling her names, pointing out her flaws, criticizing the magazine for interviewing her, etc., we could be offering up our prayers and concerns for her, as she's clearly going through a tough time in her life. Whether or not she's lying or creating a bad example is irrelevant. She's still in need of our love, kindness, and prayers, just like any other human being on this planet. Let's watch our comments; they clearly aren't creating a good Christian example either.

This comment brings up a pretty great question: are Christians going to step back from instantly standing behind the Carrie Prejeans of the world based only on one social issue?

Kurt Posted: November 12, 2009 4:55 PM
Really? As a Christian, I am embarrassed that we made this person a "poster child" for Christianity and conservatism. And why did we do that? Simply because we perceived her as speaking out against gay people. Is that all it takes? Hey, you're part of a system that objectifies women. Your weren't happy with the body God gave you so you had your breasts made bigger JUST to improve your sex appeal and win a beauty pageant. You posed topless in sexually provocative photos. And now you have a solo sex tape of you masturbating. But your'e opposed to gay marriage!! Yay! You qualify to be our spokesperson. the issue is not whether God can forgive her for past mistakes. He can and does. The issue is if we, as Christians, really should be holding her up as a model of what it means to be a conservative and Christian. She certainly does not have the moral character of those I would want representing my point of view. But she doesn't like gay people, so I guess that makes it okay.

"It is no wonder the World calls Christians hypocrites," this commenter writes, seemingly unaware that her comment is actually a pretty good example of why the world calls Christians hypocrites.

Adrienne Posted: November 12, 2009 4:15 PM
I cannot believe that this was posted at a Christian web site. MY Bible tells me that women are to be modest at all times. MY Bible tells me that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. I am proud to say that I don't have any gay friends and if one of my friends 'came out' as gay, they would stop being my friend (Unless they were repentant and did not want to be gay). I believe in the Lord and I put my faith in Him and in no other. It's true, no one is perfect except for Him but if you sin you should fall on your knees in forgiveness. You should not go parading around trying to make yourself out to be a faithful woman when you cannot even see your own sin! It is no wonder that the World calls Christians hypocrites when we are getting boob jobs, making sex tapes, posing nude and hanging around with homosexuals!

Whether or not the Christian community will ultimately reject Prejean as a spokesperson is yet to be seen, though it is hard not to wonder what it feels like for someone who claims to take such pride in one's faith to be called a hypocrite not only by those who don't share her belief system, but by those she counts as spiritual allies. She may eventually be able to obtain the forgiveness and understanding she seeks, on a personal level, but it will be interesting to see if the leaders in the Christian community move a bit slower in the future before creating a poster child for Christian values, only to tear her down months later.

Q+A: Carrie Prejean [Christianity Today]

Secret Keeper Girl is a Christian organization: its founder, Dannah Gresh, has authored such books as
And the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity and Lies Young Women Believe. (Said lies involve Immodesty, Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll, and, presumably, forked-tongue sexytalk from The Media.) And it wears its Christianity on its sleeve; purity is fun and godly, seems to be the pastel-tinted message. Indeed, SKG is described as "the most fun a girl will ever have digging into God's word." (Talk about damning with faint praise.) But SKG is clearly eager to appeal to modern young women - hence the org's slick, poppy web-site and line of mainstream-looking tween books.

What, you might ask, is a Secret Keeper Girl? (Well, you can probably guess what the "secret" is, and it's not that secret):

A Secret Keeper Girl values modesty, she surrounds herself with wise friends and she embraces Godly beauty. But, the most important thing for you to know is that a Secret Keeper Girl is a masterpiece created by God. So whether you are new to our site or a SKG pro who's been to an event, read "Secret Keeper Girl" or already had eight great dates with your momma, you, sweet girl, are a Secret Keeper Girl because you are a true masterpiece created by God's hand.

SKG organizes mother-daughter events that focus on wholesome bonding and age-appropriate activities like wacky fashion shows. Because fashion, you see, is a big part of SKG's mission. The organization is committed to getting more age-appropriate clothes for tweens out there, and with this in mind, has launched the "Bod Squad Petition," which they've presented to the Council of Fashion Designers of America and the Apparel and Footwear Manufacturer's Association, and which protests the "marketing of sensual clothing to tweens." They've also organized the "Shop Til You Drop" event, that encourages the patronage of those stores - Old Navy, Gap Kids, Lands End - that provide stylish and age-appropriate clothes.

Here's the thing: I totally support this in principle. And it's good that SKG focuses on healthy body image for girls and recognizes the correlation between overly sexualized kids and EDs. But why is there no happy medium? Why does this "mission" have to be twinned with God's Plan and chastity belts and what seems to be a generally retrograde and abstinence-only approach to sexuality? Look, this is an openly Christian organization that can promote whatever it likes. My point is, why aren't there more options for young women - why does it have to be Purity Ball or Slutoween? It's depressing that the only voice I've seen publicly calling for any kind of not-slutty kids' clothes is politicized and somewhat problematic, making it easy for us - and certainly the CFDA - to dismiss any good sense within the rhetoric. Eight-year-olds shouldn't have non-slutty clothing options because God Loves Modesty, but because they're little kids who shouldn't be sexualized - and who aren't, by nature, until they're told that's what's appropriate.

I'm not saying 12-year-olds should dress in oversized flannel dresses (YES, MOM, I'M LOOKING AT YOU) but let's say you want that option: it would be nice if other kids, looking at you, then didn't have to assume you spent your weekend hanging out with your mother attending modest fashion shows and discussing how you're a true masterpiece created by God's hand. Because Gresh is absolutely right about one thing: it's a pivotal time for a young woman.

SecretKeeperGirl.org
Christian Group Hosts 'Modest' Fashion Event [WWD]

The agency claims that it "aims to raise the standard of models to a new height: beauty achieved from the perfect balance and unity of spirit, mind, and physical body," and that promoting Christian values through the models on its roster is a way to promote a spiritual beauty of sorts, as well as a way to help models find their own inner beauty in an industry that is notoriously ugly to women. I suppose it's not entirely strange to consider that some models would be more comfortable working for an agency that fell in with their religious views, but I'm not quite sure how any agency is going to promote a religious viewpoint when their models are actually working, as the only statements models are typically allowed to make on the runway are those presented by the clothes they're given to wear.

Christian-based talent agencies, film distributors, and record labels are nothing new, but most people involved in such endeavors are putting out Christian material that is clearly aimed at a specific audience. Christian rock bands carry religious themes in their songs and often play to largely Christian crowds, and the same can be said of Christian films and Christian novels. Surely there are already many Christian models (and models of all religions) working today, but how the Christian model will promote religion while doing her job is yet to be seen, and it will be interesting to see how the agency secures high profile jobs and campaigns for their clients without compromising the values they seek to endorse.

Christian Modelling Agency Preaches Spiritual Fulfillment To The Fashion World [Guardian]

Amanda is educated by her mother, who has primary custody. When her father suggested that her mother's "rigid" Christian curriculum was harming his daughter, the courts intervened, agreed with the dad, and ordered that the child begin 5th grade at the local school. After reviewing the findings of the Guardian ad Litem, Family Court Justice Lucinda V. Sandler conceded that while "the evidence support a finding that Amanda is generally likeable and well liked, social and interactive with her peers, academically promising, and intellectually at or superior to grade level," the court was troubled by her "rigidity on faith" and felt that her "vigorous defense of her religious beliefs ... suggests strongly that she has not had the opportunity to seriously consider any other point of view." (You can read the decision here.) As a result, Sandler concluded that Amanda "would be best served by exposure to different points of view at a time in her life when she must begin to critically evaluate multiple systems of belief and behavior and cooperation in order to select, as a young adult, which of those systems will best suit her own needs."

Not shockingly, many Christian groups are up-in-arms at what they see as a straightforward, unconstitutional attack on their faith, and court-fearin' Conservatives haven't been far behind. If you do a search on the case, probably 90% of coverage is on Christian sites and blogs, which reference the specter of the schools' secular war on religion and the unfair witch-hunt on a decent Christian mother. Says Douglas Napier, senior ADF counsel, to the Washington Times, "Does anybody seriously believe a public school will broaden this girl's views on comparative religious thought? The schools are the number-one censors of religious thought." The mom's lawyers, of the Alliance Defense Fund, a Christian legal outfit, have filed a motion asking the court to reconsider. Says her lawyer, "The court has intruded on the child's most fundamental liberties and should reconsider this unconstitutional encroachment." As in the case of Rifqa Bary, it's been spun as a case of old-fashioned Christian martyrdom.

And as in the case of Bary, it's hard to regard the case objectively anymore, because it's quickly been shanghai'd by ideology-speak and . But the excellent New Hampshire Family Law Blog laid it out in a highly convincing fashion. In essence, they ask: Is this about parental rights - or constitutional law? New Hampshire state law mandates the judge must find some evidence of harm to a child before taking her out of home-schooling. The court awarded her mom custody, she's presumably meeting the state education standards, and by the judge's admission, the child is socialized (she takes a number of supplementary classes, as well as sports and dance) and educated. It's dismaying to hear a child parrot back beliefs of any kind, but can we legally change that? Surely what Amanda is learning is no different from what she'd be taught at a Christian private school, after all. If she is, say, learning exclusively creationism to the exclusion of Evolution, yes, that's certainly a legal issue - but is that the case? And while I'm sure I'd find plenty of Amanda's views questionable - the certainty of the home-schooled Christian kids in Jesus Camp springs to mind - you can't punish parents for stupid views, surely? This would undermine a large percentage of home-schooling parents, many of whom teach a similar Christian curriculum.

But from the father's perspective, I can imagine the dismay at seeing a child indoctrinated with rigid views that aren't your own - and if it's a legal question of both parents needing to approve a religious curriculum, then, yes, obviously he needs a say. Conceding that both parents should have a say is not a question of Secular Schools Who Hate Christianity Witch-Hunting. And while it's a bit surreal to see the Christian advocates righteously invoking the rights of single mothers ("A lot of single moms are concerned about this case because their ex-husbands could use the home-schooling issue to get back at them as has happened in this case," says one) it doesn't seem like, at the end of the day, anyone can escape from the basic issue that both parents have a say.

New Hampshire Court's Decision Regarding Home Schooling Grabs National Attention [New Hampshire Family law Blog]
Christian Girls, Interrupted [Wall Street Journal]

Home-Schooler Ordered To Attend Public School [Washington Times]

As Home Schooling Surges, The Evangelical Share Drops [US News]
Homeschooled Girl Ordered To Attend Public School Over Her 'Rigid' Faith [Christian Post]
State of New Hampshire, Motion [Telladf]

Salon's Thomas Rogers visits Conrad's book signing in New York, and opines that Conrad's success hinges on her blandness. He writes,

Much of the appeal of Lauren Conrad, like the Bella Swan character in the "Twilight" novels, is that she's a near-perfect cipher for young women. It's her very blankness that made her so well-suited for "The Hills" — and a much better choice of star than the woman who will replace her on the show, Kristin Cavallari — because she doesn't create drama. Drama happens to her. It's a feeling that many junior-high-age girls (and some grown-ups) can easily identify with: I'm just trying to be nice — so why is everybody being so mean to me?

Her book, LA Candy, tells the story of Jane Roberts, another nice girl who "just wants to live her life as honestly as possible — and plan celebrity parties, dammit — but is foiled by the producers' meddling and the distorting lens of the camera." It remains to be seen whether the two books that are slated to follow, and the related movie that may result, will help Conrad parlay her Hills experience into lasting fame. She has one big problem: if her appeal is her sheer reactivity, her status as a blameless girl who shit just happens to, then she risks wearing out her welcome she appears too savvy. People might buy that Jane/Lauren just kind of stumbled into a reality show, but will they believe that she stumbled into a book contract, a movie deal, and whatever lies beyond? And if they don't, will they still like her?

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, of course, don't need to worry about maintaining their image as nice people, since much of their fame relies on people totally hating them — and their nine-zillionth return to I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! is unlikely to change this. In the past, they've seemed aware of the loathing they inspire (how can you say the things Spencer says and not know that you're an asshole?), which makes their recent decision to start talking about Jesus all the time sort of confusing. Jason Boyett catalogs their religious performances, including Heidi's no-doubt-inspiring prayer session with Patti Blagojevich. He also quotes non-reality-star Christians like magazine editor David Sessions, who says,

As far as I know, Heidi and Spencer haven't done anything but yell about Jesus on TV, which makes them look like tacky opportunists and makes religious people in general appear ridiculous. Most Christians would look at their prissy, entitled, hateful behavior-it's all right there on tape-and conclude that anyone who took their beliefs very seriously wouldn't behave in such a fashion.

See, everyone knows Heidi and Spencer are horrible. So why are they trying to associate themselves with a religion that's supposed to be about virtue, charity, and loving thy neighbor? Boyett offers a possible explanation. He says that 46% of non-churchgoers agree with the statement, "Christians get on my nerves." Is it possible that Heidi and Spencer are actually trying to annoy people more? Whatever the case, only time will tell which media strategy pays off better: Lauren's nice-girl schtick, or Speidi's manufactured evil. Until then, they remain locked in an epic struggle between kind-of-goodness and irredeemable obnoxion, a struggle as old as time itself, or at least as old as television.

The Unbearable Lightness Of Lauren Conrad [Salon]
The Gospel According To Speidi [Daily Beast]

Apparently, Heidi is a very religious person, saying that money and material possessions are only "of this world" and she strives to be like Mother Teresa "helping the poor and the hungry"...despite the fact that she kept wanting to quit the show instead of earn money for her charity Feed the Children. Heidi has been urging Spencer to get baptized for the past few years. She recently taught him how to pray, and in his first prayer, he asked God to set him up on a double date with Miley Cyrus — and then God did so within a month.

Spencer claimed that he and Heidi are "the most famous people in the world," and walked off the show. However, the New York Daily News reports that the couple as returned to the jungle, and as of Wednesday morning, they are still a part of the show. The paparazzi-savvy couple even planted decoys to throw people off: "Pratt's sister Stephanie and his friend Spenser were photographed hiding under blankets at L.A.'s LAX airport Tuesday night."

Spencer and Heidi Pratt return to 'I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!' [NY Daily News]

In Mother of God, Miri Rubin explores the role Mary has played in the history of Christianity, from what Patrick Leigh Fermor described as "the austere aloofness of an oriental empress…calm, unreal, hieratic" in the Eastern Orthodox Church, where western equivalemnts were more connected to the viewer. Says the Economist:

By studying the different ways in which Mary was described, hymned and painted in medieval Italy, one can also describe Europe's beginnings as a great political and commercial enterprise. Her absence was a defining feature of the colder, more rational world that emerged in the Protestant north. And in the colonial era, above all in Latin America, she metamorphosed seamlessly from conquerors' champion to helper of the oppressed-long before any of the founders of modern literary theory had come up with fancy ideas about shifting metaphors and "floating signifiers".

The official adoption of Mary as a crucial part of Christian doctrine did a lot to define the nature of Christian divinity generally; what had been the subject of debate was now set in stone. "Once this principle had been established, every deviation from it, every current of thought that called into question the double nature-divine and human-of Christ, could be presented as a direct insult to his mother; and theological arguments duly became more personal." Mary, then, was central not merely to defining early Christianity and crystallizing the philosophical divides between East and West but to its evolution; through observing society's relationship to the central figure of the virgin, Rubin is able to explore the Church - and by extension, much of history - as a whole.

Mother Of God [Economist]

He was also an inveterate freeloader, and worse, sanctimonious about said freeloading, and even though his friends were all kind of varying shades of shitty people, he was the ultimate "Bros Before Hoes" type. Probably because the only girls he hung out with were whores. Herewith, Don's guide to why you should let your dude friends read The Game instead.

What Did Jesus Do? (So You Can Do What Was Did)

Ten and six months ago, I eschewed the books I was unwittingly reading to impress women, and picked up the King James version of the Holy Bible (the most popular remix in America). I'm left with at least two certainties: Christians do not read this book, and Jesus was a total asshole. I really like the guy. He's the avatar of the "Fuck that noise" godhead. He's in his early thirties, broke, down for hanging out, and not really looking for a relationship at the moment. He's simultaneously what I am and what I hope to be. Here are a few things Jesus taught me, that you can use against the WWJDers. Fuck what He would do. This is what He did.

Don't Be a Good Person (Matthew 19:17)

Jesus wasn't a good man. He told you he wasn't a good person. The only good comes from God. You folks of little faith are pretty fucking stupid when it comes to consubstantiality. Would a good person go shit-house crazy in a church (den of thieves or not)? Would a good person try to renegotiate his contract the day before a big project was due (...if it is possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt)? No, that person is an asshole. He's also your Lord. Start small by asking your boss if you can miss an important deadline. Then head over to your nearest church and replenish your Nalgene with holy water. It's what He commands you to do.

Hang Out in Bars (Matthew 9:9 - 17) (Luke 7:34)

Jesus rolled deep with publicans, harlots and sinners (I'm looking at you, Matthew), and spent a lot of time eating well and getting sloshed. He got a lot of shit for it. It was as it is now; Pharisees get mad. But don't think you can appease Pharisees (and WWJDers) by abstaining from drink. John the Baptist, the ultimate straight-edge kid (i.e. another total asshole), was thought to be possessed by a devil. So you can live sober and wind up with your head on a plate or order another pint. And yet, for some reason, people don't trust drunk assholes. Jesus was just trying to save those that needed saving, which is the best excuse for getting large before noon.

Befriend Douchebags (any gospel)

Your friends should not be trustworthy. Such people are boring, and cannot be saved. Surround yourself with publicans, sinners and harlots (this is not hard and has most certainly already been established). You might also want to find a few fishermen. Especially a fisherman with a boat, a sweet boat with a decent sound system. Now you're ready to party. Of course, you might not trust your friends. Don't worry, they don't trust you either! You need at least one friend that would stab you in the face for ten bucks. It's probably the guy who's fond of PDAs. Then, pick your friend who is the rock of your crew. The kind of guy you can build your teachings on. He's also the friend who stays in the bar when you're kicked out, who stays in the bar when you're kicked out, who stays in the bar when you're kicked out.

Hump (Mark 14:3)

We use the term "hook-up." The Old Testament crowd would "come unto a woman and know her". Sometimes men receive "full-service massages." Jesus, the day before his imprisonment (HELLO), lets a New Testament lady "pour an ointment of spikenard on his head" and then "wash his feet". To each generation, its own idioms for wanton coitus. As shocking as it may be, Jesus got down. Maybe he didn't try "just the tip", but he definitely received a "full-release" massage. One of his parables was about spilling seeds! Those seeds fell on the ground, the rocks, the thorn-bushes. It was all over the place. You might try to work in "anoint my head" the next time you're "showing a girl your records". Remember, even with a rub-n-tug, Jesus performed miracles, as he didn't have to pay a Cesarean dime for these services.

Never Get Married (Matthew 22:29)

Husband and wives don't count. All hell breaks loose on Earth and you think you have time (or the concern) to find your third-wife's burial plot? If the answer is "yes" - you have some serious issues with closure. And you probably never read Night by Eli Wiesel. And speaking of wife-collecting, there's none of that twice-married bullshit. You're an adulterer after the first marriage (and I hope you were before). You fucked up once, you think it's going to work again? Let's focus on the crux of the previous sentence: you fucked up. Do I sound like an unyielding asshole? It's the Christ talking.

Abandon Your Children (Matthew 19:29)

Leave your kids. Do it now. They're young, they'll forget you. And dis your mom, dad, wife, husband, brother, sister, etc. You can't keep in touch with all those d-bags on Facebook either. Remember, that's what Jesus would really do. Save the anniversaries and sixth birthdays for those that worship Milquetoast. Here's a hint: it's a lot easier if you're not in a relationship. And never have kids. Besides, anyone that hangs out with you is your mom and brother and sister (Mark 3:35). See, familial relations are almost as bullshit as marriage. Genetics are cool, but wouldn't you rather have a family of people who believe everything you believe in? Scratch that - a family who believes everything you tell them!

Never Buy a House / Don't Go to Funerals (Luke 9:57 - 61)

Bought a house? Nice going, fuck-stick! Houses are for regs. Do like Jesus and don't worry about where you'll stay. Foxes have holes (that's what she said!) and birds have nests. Only regs have mortgages. Foreclose that shit and start hanging out. By this time you should have a few douchebags following you around that have a sofa, or a tub, or 6' x 2' in floor space in the kitchen. Oh yeah, that whole "Dad funeral" you've been talking about. That one you wanted to go to before you started hanging-out in the bar. Skip it. Let the dead bury the dead, which is something I saw in a sweet horror movie once. Funerals are holes for people, and only foxes have holes (that's what she said, again!). And houses are nests. Only pregnant ladies nest. And no one is really that kinky in your crew (you think).

Freeload (read any gospel)

Stop looking for "sales" or "deals". If you can't get it for free, you're not getting it. Think of it this way: We all love HD flat-screens, but the bars have them on for FREE. If you buy one of those bad boys, you're going to need a nest and an electric bill. And then you start hanging out in your nest and then you want a hole. TVs will fuck you up. So will girlfriends. And car leases. And Macy's. And ACME. All of these things prevent the devout from hanging out in bars and humping and dissing family members and being totally rad assholes. What did Christ pay for? Nothing. He got free ladies, free donkeys, free hotel rooms, free drank, free fish and free bread. Behold, the Son of Swag.

Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take a Joke (Luke 9:5)

So you got a crew and you're well drunk. It's time to start mouthing off. Actually, it's time to send your friends out to talk to a few folks (and maybe get some free shit from them). When Jesus was sending out his disciples to preach the Word, he made sure none of his boys would sweat the technique. If people don't want to hear what you have to say, get to stepping - even though it's really important and could save their eternal souls (and no, it isn't just the cocaine fueling our rants). Always start with this: What's sexier than a naked dead baby? A dead baby wearing a garter-belt. If folks don't laugh, just keep walking. Fuck them if they can't take a joke. You know what happens to people that don't accept the words of the Christ? Their homes will be worse than Sodom and Gomorrah. Pretty brutal comeback, no? But no, they deserve it. Fuck 'em if they can't take a word of God. And does not the word of God include the best joke ever (see above)?

Edit the Commandments (Matthew 19:18) (Matthew 22:37)

Jesus wasn't a big fan of the Ten Commandments. And yet, the WWJDers are still puking that old Moses shit on the lawns of courthouses and public schools. Granted, they are Christians so they never read the bible. But even a drunk humper like you knows Jesus chopped those rules down to six. I bet your kid even knows that. Maybe. Who cares? As a DWJD (Do What Jesus Did) follower, you know Six Commandments still appear a little... softig. How about Two Commandments? Can you remember two? Christ is wayyyy ahead of you, friend: "Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all they heart, and with all they soul, and with all they mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it. Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."

Ten? No fuckwad, try two: there's only one God (it's easier that way), and treat people like the righteous asshole you know yourself to be.

I am wont to believe him, having read the bestselling works of "Economic Hit Man" John Perkins, who clearly thought up his thesis of the world under the influence of ayahuasca. But what does it all mean?

That the Burning Bush was a hallucination, too? (Yes.) That religion is a fraud? (Duh!) That the moral codes we take for granted, chalking up to an amorphous mix of socialization and/or evolutionary biology and/or something resembling an innate human conscience was concocted under the influence of hallucinogens? THAT RELIGION IS LITERALLY THE OPIATE OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO POOR FOR ACTUAL OPIATES???? Why yes! I mean, yeah yeah mood-altering substances bear responsibility for much of the world's bar violence/opportunistic adultery/convenience store theft. But, don't all the truly bad things happen at the hands of sober people and/or people newly off their meds? Yes they do. Is it to early for a drink? No it is not.

Moses Was High On Mt. Sinai [AFP}

• Barack Obama's favorite movie is Lawrence of Arabia (and the Godfathers, but whatevs.) All this and more (fave snack: "almonds") revealed in an EXCLUSIVE two-part Entertainment Tonight interview airing this week.
  
• So that explains the outfit! [IHT]
  
• Jesus would vote for Obama. [Wash Post]
  
• Texas votes with Jesus. [CNN]
  
• But not necessarily forever! Nearly half of Americans either switch religions in the course of their lives or drop it (right on, Catholics!) altogether. [Washington Post]
  
• There are exactly as many Jews in this country as there are Mormons. Bet I know which population is growing faster! [Washington Post]
  
• Not that I wouldn't want to breed excessively with hot Josh Romney. Who may be running for office! [Deseret News]
  
• More awkward collisions of humor/Evangelicals with Huckabee on SNL. [Washington Post]

• John McCain says he's going to lose, blames Iraq. [AP]
• Paris Hilton is searching for a genuine, trustworthy new BFF — maybe in the wrong places? [US Weekly]
• Meghan McCain says winning Florida was like a Doors song. [LA Times]
• First Shepard Fairey, now: the latest issue of Paper will be dedicated to skinny black guys in baggy suits in honor of Obama. I know this type of thing happens in Japan all the time, but still, what? [Wash Post]

Kohler doesn't really answer her own question (she ends the essay discussing how she and the hub resolved their kitchen issues, but doesn't really come back to the Jew business), but as a Jew who lives in sin with a Protestant, it definitely got me thinking. My boyfriend and I make joking comments all the time about our stereotypical differences: Whenever he gets mock-offended by my filthy mouth, I always tell him to stop being such an "uptight WASP." And sometimes, when I burrow my face into his armpit, he'll comment about my "pointy Jew nose." Is our banter really masking some deep-seeded prejudices we hold about each other's backgrounds? Or are we enriching each other through religious differences? Does it not matter at all since neither of us has actually stepped foot in a house of worship since the Clinton Administration? So many questions dislodged from one little Oprah essay! Just like Kohler, I don't have the easy answers to these questions, but I will say that my boy is so WASPy that he puts mayonnaise on everything. If that's not an insurmountable cultural difference, I think we're probably okay.

Sheila Kohler Official Website
The Love Issue [O: The Oprah Magazine]

So here are some questions: Is this right? Banning jewelry? And does a "chastity" ring belong in the same category as a head scarf or a Kara? Because a chastity ring isn't a part of actual religious practice. And how is it that non-Christians are always being sent the message that their customs and faith are, literally, unacceptable? Does preventing the wearing of "symbols of faith" does make for religious equality? And what do you think would happen if this girl — or her parents — took this issue to court?

Sikh Schoolgirl Excluded From School For Wearing Bangle [Guardian]
Sikh Pupil Excluded Over Bangle [BBC]

The academic program includes lectures on laundering stubborn stains and a lab in baking chocolate-chip cookies. [It] will allow women to get credit toward bachelor's degrees by learning how to set tables, sew buttons and sustain lively dinnertime conversation.

The college, and followers of its particular denomination of Christianity, believes that men and women are both equal in serving God, but have specific roles they need to follow, pointing to certain Bible passages to support their claims. Guest lecturer Ashley Smith, the wife of a theology professor says, "If we love the Scripture, we must do it." Uh, doesn't the Old Testament also say that you should keep Kosher? Something tells me the BBQ lovin' folks down in Texas don't follow that rule.Smith continues:

We must fit into this role. It's so much more important than our own personal happiness.

They Love To Do Their Homework [LA Times via CBS News]