You will "save" if you buy right now! There must be someone in your life who needs a "Tower Of Treats." In my case, that person appears to be me.

click "full size" to enlarge

Aw, the Gingerbread Man is adorable. Wait: You have to take his head off to get to the treats? Hmm. I guess that is the fate of all Gingerbread Men and Women. More important: I spy yogurt-covered pretzels. Mmmm.

Look at the size of that chocolate chip cookie. Look at it. Then turn your attention to the true Christmas miracle: Peppermint bark.

Ignore the fruitcake and focus on the Cheesecake Party Wheel. Ask yourself this: Would you like to make a reservation for a party of one?

Fruit paired with cheese and crackers and then a side of popcorn, with cookies and candies for dessert? This is a full meal.

A Tower of Chocolates, however, has my name all over it.

Salty and sweet together really gets those taste buds going, Crunch goes so well with creaminess, and vice-versa. You can nibble, gobble, savor and… um, what were we talking about?

Damn. Forget what I said about fruit not being appealing. That pear looks juicy.

Harry & David [Official Site]

Earlier: Dean & Deluca Thanksgiving: Mouth-Watering, Wallet-Emptying
Mackenzie: Hot, Steamy, Scrumptious Food Porn

Related: Free People: Let's Pretend It's The Summer Of '69
Anthropologie's Hazy Shade Of Winter
Fetchdog, Drs Fosters & Smith: Howliday Humiliation For Dogs & Cats

All previous catalog posts

[Hornow, Germany; December 2. Image via Getty]

An employee of a chocolate Santa factory carries trays of freshly made produce in the eastern German city of Hornow on December 2, 2009. The Christmas season is in full swing with markets, lights and trees been set up all over the country. AFP PHOTO DDP / MICHAEL URBAN GERMANY OUT (Photo credit should read MICHAEL URBAN/AFP/Getty Images)

I love love love the Mexican sugar skulls on the cover, but they are $30 for 3. And they're inedible.

The "Devil Chocolates" sound interesting: They are "sinful" dark chocolate filled with spicy apricot. When it comes to fruit and chocolate, for me, it's hit and miss: Strawberries, yes; raspberries, no. But apricot I haven't tried.

The chocolate skulls — some with edible silver — are my favorite thing on this page, though the marzipan figurines on the bottom are adorable. Not that I like marzipan.

Vampire cookies for the Twihard in your life! As for the jack o' lantern cake, it's milk chocolate cake layered with "lush chocolate cream filling, frosed with rich vanilla buttercream and wrapped in orange-tinted white chocolate." Oh, the picket fence and cat are chocolate, too. Lots of detail, maybe that's why it's $140.

Pumpkin cheesecake with graham cracker crust? Yes please. Throw in some chocolate covered caramel apples, as well.

I've never heard of Cream-nuts before, but since they are peanut butter blended with white chocolate, mixed with chopped pecans and then "enrobed" in milk or dark chocolate, they might be my new favorite candy.

The cupcake giftbox sounds ridiculously awesome, since it has spicy pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream frosting; chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and Madagascar bourbon vanilla cupcakes with vanilla buttercream frosting. But nine for $55? Truly frightening. I think I'd rather have the Trick or Treat bag with 40 bucks worth of candy.

Wait a minute: when deciding between cupcakes and candy, there's no need to choose! Long live cupcake candy.

Lastly a pumpkin cake "almost too pretty to cut." Vanilla spice cake layered with praline buttercream and chocolate fudge — under a white chocolate shell. Guaranteed to force you to reset your New Year's resolutions.

Dean & Decluca [Official Site]

Earlier: Halloween In 2-D Looks Frighteningly Delicious
Harry, David, Dean & Deluca: Chocolate Pagan Easter Symbols And $6,000 Caviar
Williams-Sonoma: A Pre-Thanksgiving Feast For The Eyes
The Naked Chef: Pfaelzer Brothers Peddle Hot Food Porn

According to the Telegraph, Elin Roberts, of Newcastle University's Centre for Life says that if you have been boozing: "Bread is high in carbohydrates and bacon is full of protein, which breaks down into amino acids. Your body needs these amino acids, so eating them will make you feel good." Plus, there is a "complex chemical interaction" when cooking bacon — something to do with fat, protein and water — that makes bacon smell delicious, so that you want to eat it.

But if you're like me, none of this is surprising, since I am one of those people who believes that your body tells you what it needs. I long for fruit in the winter, possibly because bright red berries and sweet clementines are bright spots of color in a gray world, but also maybe because that's when I need antioxidants and vitamin C the most? I tend to crave burgers before my period, which makes sense when you think about the iron lost. And when I want chocolate, it's clearly because of the flavonoids that reduce risk of stroke, right? Okay, maybe not, but they do say that chicken soup is good for colds. Do you think your appetite sends you messages, or am I alone here? And do you have any food cures of your own?

Bacon Sandwich Really Does Cure A Hangover [Telegraph]

[Image via The Food Pornographer's Flickr.]

• Millard Fuller, the co-founder of Habitat for Humanity, died Tuesday at the age of 74. • A new "Digital Mom" report has found that young moms (under the age of 35) use the internet much more frequently than mothers over the age of 45. • Newsday reports that there has been a recent spike the number of female robbers. Justice professor Robert McCrie calls bank robbery an "equal opportunity crime" because it "doesn't require a lot of muscle." • Dr. Karen Maples, leader of the team of doctors that delivered the Bellflower octuplets, was on Larry King Live last night to discuss mother Nadya Suleman, who she called an "amazing patient." • Thousands of men in India are supplementing their incomes by working as prostitutes, according to a new report. The men meet new clients primarily through social networking websites. • Three women and one man abducted a waiter from his place of work, held him hostage for four days, and repeatedly raped him. According to the police, the women believed to be involved in the assault "belonged to rich families of Karachi’s Clifton area." • A new book to be released this week in Germany claims to reveal the shocking truth about Nazi women. Propaganda of the time painted German women as the "fairer sex," but the book shows that the female Nazis were every bit as brutal as their male counterparts. • Archeologists have found traces of chocolate on ancient jars located north of the U.S.-Mexico border. This is the earliest evidence of chocolate being consumed- or used in religious rituals- in America. • Edgar Degas' famous bronze sculpture, "Petite danseuse de quatorze ans," (or "14-year-old dancer") is expected to sell for at least $12 million when it goes to auction in London. • According to a new report, boys may have greater psychological well-being than girls due to a better physical self-concept. Self-concept is defined as the "totality of perceptions each person has of themselves." •

• Two year old Nigel Mutemagau is currently being held in a maximum security prison in Zimbabwe. He was abducted with his parents, and is now reportedly in solitary confinement. • Chico, a love-sick parrot, has been put on Prozac to combat her possessive obsession with her owner. • According to government health officials, STD rates are on the rise for the first time in years, with reported cases of chlamydia at an all time high. • In attempts to widen its audience beyond the bride-to-be demographic and capture the elusive currently-breastfeeding-women group, The Knot Inc. has purchased Breastfeeding.com. • A Chicago salon formerly named "Ossama's" has just changed its name to "Obama's." Click through for a pointless slide show featuring pictures of Osama bin Laden and the back of Obama's head. • New research has found that oestrogen hormone therapy, a treatment for symptoms of menopause, causes the female brain to shrink. • Companies in Britain are now offering their employees "Botox leave." Seriously? • In an incredibly tasteless move, an Austrian theater company has announced that they plan to stage a satiric soap opera about Joseph Fritzl, titled "Fritzl's Bed and Breakfast." • An anti-litter campaign is asking McDonald's to help deliver the anti-litter message at the point of sale. • Is chocolate keeping you up at night? Maybe, says the National Sleep Foundation. • In other candy news, the famous Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate bar will now feature the warning "CONTAINS: MILK" on its label for those customers confused by the misleading name. • One in four women report having unprotected sex after running out of the Pill. • Lucy Newmann, 22, was out with her friends at a bar in Scotland when she was punched in the face in an alleged anti-England attack. • The wife of Richard Batista, the man who sued for the return of his kidney, has spoken out against Batista, calling him "hyper-suspicious" and insanely jealous. • In a depressingly ironic twist of fate, Alec Ahsoak, a 53-year-old sex offender, recently won $350,000 in a lottery sponsored by an advocacy group for sex abuse victims. •

The "American Farmstead cheese collection" includes Marieke Gouda, Vermont Ayr, La Fleurie and Capriole O'Banon. Whatever that means. Looks delicious. Also not bad? The sheep. And the dude.

Hmm, a new Thanksgiving tradition? Mini empanadas seem like a great idea, all of a sudden. So do bacon-wrapped dates. And phyllo-wrapped spinach triagles. And tamales. Yum.

There's something about pot pie on a cold day. So warm, so creamy, so filling. This one is lobster, but chicken is great, too. Also seen here: smoked salmon trio (scotch-cured, Maine sea spice and lemon-and-dill) and maple-smoked salmon fillet.

Beef. It's what's for dinner. Will you have filet mignon? Strip steaks? Rib roast? Or some dry-aged beef? Everything looks juicy and divine.

Some families always have turkey; my people are prone to ham. We like it soaked in bourbon and smothered in pecans, but both of these look okay. Let's just skip to dessert.

The "bûche de Nöel" is a cake that looks like a log. This one is chocolate genoise cake "rolled with a light, fluffy layer of chocolate ganache and rerobed in chocolate truffle buttercream cleverly sculpted to replicate bark." And those mushrooms are made of meringue. Some people love tiramisu; I think I'd opt for the peppermint gelato truffles down below. They're described as "silky-smooth," and now my mouth is watering.

Peppermint bark! It's official, the holidays have begun.

You can't actually buy this adorable igloo cake — Williams-Sonoma just sells the mold — but it's so cute!

Even better: Red velvet cake. Or cupcakes. Get your own.

Then there's 12-layer chocolate cake, coconut lemon layer cake and five layer mousse cake. Ever feel like you want to live inside of a cake?

You can try and live inside of this gingerbread manor, if you like. A recession bargain at $250. Oh, but here's a tip for the folks at Williams-Sonoma: Why not call your gingerbread cookies "kids" instead of "boys"? Especially when one is named Samantha?

Anyway, if the manor is a little high-end for your taste, downsize to a little gingerbread shack.

Williams-Sonoma [Official Site]

Earlier: The Naked Chef: Pfaelzer Brothers Peddle Hot Food Porn

Look at that thick, juicy meat. Straining with hot fluids. Once you get it in your mouth, you know it's going to burst, letting warm red liquid stream down your throat.


Some like to see the pink inside, do you?


Or are you one of those bad, naughty types, who likes it raw?


Maybe you like it freaky? Brown on pink. Two on two… or more?


Get a good look at this pink, wet, glistening flesh. You know you want it.


Insert your fingers into the folds. You'll find it tender and dripping.


Who can resist a heaving, moistened breast?


Go ahead, lick the gooey sweetness. It's yearning to be inside you.



Warm fluid oozes out, just for you.


You'll get your just desserts. Just put your tongue in the crease.




Pfaelzer Brothers [Official Site]

Okay, all you closet goths: Black dishes! Gorgeous, no? Try not to think about the fact that the champagne flutes are $180 for a set of two. Think how awesome they'd look on a crisp white tablecloth with some deep purple grapes and My Bloody Valentine playing in the background.

Holy sweet tooth, it's a Bat Cake! That is not paper, that is purple and black tinted white chocolate. Decadent. Which is why it's $160.

The Ghost Cake is cute, but let's focus on those Halloween Pops: "Big chunks of ooey gooey handmade chocolate chip fudge with marshmallows get the 'stick treatment' before being dipped in Belgian chocolate and decorated by hand." Uh, what's that the kids say on the interwebs? WANT. $44 for a set of 4.

The Trick Or Treat bag is okay, but the cookies shaped like kids in costumes are awesome. I want to bite that little devil's head off. Fourteen cookies, $65.

Yum, that $120 Pumpkin Cake is "six layers of vanilla spiced cake with praline butter cream and a center layer of rich chocolate fudge." And that thing that looks like a crate of apples? It's an Apple Crate Cake. No, really. It's a chocolate cake with marzipan apples on top. It's also $200. Meanwhile, I am seriously considering ordering six cookies and eight brownies right now: $40.

Whoa. A large feast is $520. You get a turkey, porcini stuffing with gravy, brussels sprouts au gratin, bourbon sweet potatoes with almonds and cranberry sauce with cardamom. Plus cream cheese biscuits. I just want to dip my finger in those sweet potatoes, how much would that cost?

These "cranky" jack o' lantern chocolates are so damn cute. $36 for 16.

Here's Halloween for grownups: White chocolate pumpkin with ganache-filled figs and a bottle of red wine. Costume optional.

Dean & Deluca [Official Site]

• Oliver Burkeman of The Guardian writes, " There are few more wonderfully enjoyable ways to spend a touristy weekend in Manhattan than on a Sex and the City vacation package, unless of course you count buying a souvenir New York penknife and then repeatedly stabbing yourself in the face." • Chicks are more open-minded about smaller cars than men are. • Women are underrepresented in research focusing on significant health issues unrelated to reproduction. • Jennifer Sharpe of Dearborn, MI sold 17,328 boxes of Girl Scout cookies this year, which is probably a new national record. Jennifer's mom says selling cookies has made her really confident. "When she first started selling, she was very shy and quiet and you had to push her out to talk to customers, but now she's right out there, first to the door."

The cover of the Harry & David catalog claims, "The Easter Bunny shops here," but we have it on good authority that his credit cards get declined.

Wow, a nine-inch solid chocolate bunny. The perfect thing to give to kids right before they're going to have to sit through a sermon at church! Or is it the reward for enduring the service?

Some people probably find it really cute that the rabbit's head comes off and there's candy inside his skull and body; I find it terrifying and creepy.

Isn't cabbage the pagan symbol for vagina? That's where Cabbage Patch Kids come from, right? Also: Egg candles? Really? Can't you envision a scenario in which kids are like, "Why are you burning my Easter Eggs?" And crying? Loudly?

Flowers+chocolate=Good idea. But if someone ever gave me flowers in a picket fence, I'd be vaguely insulted. There's something repressive, apron-stringy and June Cleaver-ish about it. Not in a good way.

Ooh, cheesecake sampler! Wouldn't you rather have this than the nine-inch chocolate bunny? When do we celebrate the goddess of cheesecake?

Giant Cookie Basket from the Better Cookie Bureau, you have my vote in this year's election for Most Delicious Concept.

It's hilarious that the Easter Morning basket comes with a cookie shaped and iced to look like a carrot. Fake healthy! Oh, but look: In addition to a load of candy, you also get a couple of pears and an apple. Life is about balance.

The chicks are super cute, but just for styling purposes: No price listed!

You can, however, get a chicken pot pie. Yum.

Those marzipan critters masquerading with bunny ears should be funny, but they're just not. The chocolate quail eggs are sort of puke-inducingly realistic, as though you can smell the yolk and salmonella through the page.

Sugar is a building block of nutrition, right?

You know, of all the things you can have FedExed to your home, a pound of fish eggs ringing up at $5,900 is really baller-type shit.

For the love of God. If lusting after that Devil's Food cake is a sin, who among us is not guilty?

Pagan symbols aside: Why is that chocolate rabbit driving a car?

[Harry & David]
[Dean & Deluca]

Earlier: Free People: Someone Watched The Darjeeling Limited Before Booking This Photo Shoot
'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds
J. Jill Vs. J. Crew: It's A Fashion Showcase Showdown
Pottery Barn, Anthropologie & West Elm: Bedding Porn For Sleepyheads

We started with the chocolate vagina kit, since it seemed a lot less complicated, seeing as how I didn't need to be aroused or anything. We had to mix this powder with lukewarm water, then pour it into this scoop thingy, and then press it up against my crotch, all in a span of two minutes, otherwise the stuff would've hardened and been useless.

I pressed it up against me and all of a sudden the excess mixture started pouring out the sides, running down my legs and getting all over the floor. It was all thick and creamy and it seriously looked like I had some kind of VD, or someone had just shot a lump load all over me.

Sorry for sharing that. Anyways, I started screaming because that shit was getting all over my floor (which I just mopped), so my boner donor ran and got a towel. And then we just started laughing maniacally. There I was, standing in my robe, a bra, and slippers with one hand on a dripping crotch and the other holding a glass of wine. I totally looked like Nelson Muntz's mom.

I had to hold the shovel up to my crotch for four minutes. After enough time had elapsed, I pulled it off (luckily, it didn't stick to my hair), and did not like what I saw. I don't mean to get all precious about my pussy or whatever, but this is not an accurate impression of it.

I guess there was a giant air pocket, so we peeled a dry piece of mixture up off the floor and stuffed it in there. We put the vagina mold in the freezer, per the directions, and then got to work on the chocolate dick kit.

Okay, I'm here's the thing about that: If you want a sexy, fun time, don't do this. It's really weird and mechanical and there's sooooooo much start and stop. For instance, first we had to cut the provided dick tube down to the size of his erection, so I had to blow him for a little bit so that we could figure out how long to make the tube, and then left him hanging there as I was hacking the tube down with scissors.

Then I had to combine the molding powder with water, using a thermometer to make sure it was 98º. I had two minutes to mix the stuff, pour it in the tube, get him hard again, and then shove his peen in there, all before the mixture hardened. It was really stressful, and also, impossible. We couldn't do it on our first try. First of all, my dog began humping my donor's leg, and she just wouldn't let go. And by the time I mixed the stuff and blew him, the mixture had hardened in the tube and he couldn't get his dick in there. So we had to start all over again.

This time, we were practically pros — a well-oiled machine of genital casters. He mixed the stuff and poured it in the tube, while I blew him until he was at full mast. Then he stuck it in the tube, and we waited for two minutes until it had set. (When we pulled it off his dick, it totally queefed!) We placed it in the fridge and then went to work on the dick candle kit.

At this point, we felt like we were sweatshop workers in a sex toy factory. We did the mixture/blow job routine again, and he jammed his dick in the tube. Except this time, we had issues of a different kind. His dick is curved, so it was hitting the side of the tube, so we turned it, as per the directions, so that all sides would be covered, but then a bunch of the stuff poured out, and there wasn't enough left in the tube to give him full coverage.

I was like, "Oh, well we can still do it, it'll just be a shorter candle."

"No way!" he said. "Tracie, I ain't goin' out like that." He insisted we start over, since he wanted it to be longest candle it could possibly be. At this point, with all the thermometers, measuring cups, bowls, powder and whatevs, my bedroom was starting to look like a meth lab.

We decided to take a break. All the stopping and starting of making out and oral sex and fingering that had been going on had proven to be really frustrating but also kind of an exciting form of foreplay, since we were repeatedly forced to put the breaks on. By the time we sat down on the bed together, we just started going at it, and after a few minutes, I was like, "Why don't we forget about the candle for now and you just fuck me." So he did. Twice.

In the morning, I melted the chocolate to put in the molds. They were expired or something and were all white. They look like Junior Mints but they're not.

I poured the melted chocolate into the molds and let them set for 5 minutes. My vulva came out looking like a diseased turd.

I'd like to take the time to reiterate that it DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE. Got it?

And here's the cocklate:

I told you he was curved!