• Oliver Burkeman of The Guardian writes, " There are few more wonderfully enjoyable ways to spend a touristy weekend in Manhattan than on a Sex and the City vacation package, unless of course you count buying a souvenir New York penknife and then repeatedly stabbing yourself in the face." • Chicks are more open-minded about smaller cars than men are. • Women are underrepresented in research focusing on significant health issues unrelated to reproduction. • Jennifer Sharpe of Dearborn, MI sold 17,328 boxes of Girl Scout cookies this year, which is probably a new national record. Jennifer's mom says selling cookies has made her really confident. "When she first started selling, she was very shy and quiet and you had to push her out to talk to customers, but now she's right out there, first to the door."

The cover of the Harry & David catalog claims, "The Easter Bunny shops here," but we have it on good authority that his credit cards get declined.

Wow, a nine-inch solid chocolate bunny. The perfect thing to give to kids right before they're going to have to sit through a sermon at church! Or is it the reward for enduring the service?

Some people probably find it really cute that the rabbit's head comes off and there's candy inside his skull and body; I find it terrifying and creepy.

Isn't cabbage the pagan symbol for vagina? That's where Cabbage Patch Kids come from, right? Also: Egg candles? Really? Can't you envision a scenario in which kids are like, "Why are you burning my Easter Eggs?" And crying? Loudly?

Flowers+chocolate=Good idea. But if someone ever gave me flowers in a picket fence, I'd be vaguely insulted. There's something repressive, apron-stringy and June Cleaver-ish about it. Not in a good way.

Ooh, cheesecake sampler! Wouldn't you rather have this than the nine-inch chocolate bunny? When do we celebrate the goddess of cheesecake?

Giant Cookie Basket from the Better Cookie Bureau, you have my vote in this year's election for Most Delicious Concept.

It's hilarious that the Easter Morning basket comes with a cookie shaped and iced to look like a carrot. Fake healthy! Oh, but look: In addition to a load of candy, you also get a couple of pears and an apple. Life is about balance.

The chicks are super cute, but just for styling purposes: No price listed!

You can, however, get a chicken pot pie. Yum.

Those marzipan critters masquerading with bunny ears should be funny, but they're just not. The chocolate quail eggs are sort of puke-inducingly realistic, as though you can smell the yolk and salmonella through the page.

Sugar is a building block of nutrition, right?

You know, of all the things you can have FedExed to your home, a pound of fish eggs ringing up at $5,900 is really baller-type shit.

For the love of God. If lusting after that Devil's Food cake is a sin, who among us is not guilty?

Pagan symbols aside: Why is that chocolate rabbit driving a car?

[Harry & David]
[Dean & Deluca]

Earlier: Free People: Someone Watched The Darjeeling Limited Before Booking This Photo Shoot
'Wooden Soldier' Tortures Your WASPy Spawn With Horrifying, Anachronistic Duds
J. Jill Vs. J. Crew: It's A Fashion Showcase Showdown
Pottery Barn, Anthropologie & West Elm: Bedding Porn For Sleepyheads

We started with the chocolate vagina kit, since it seemed a lot less complicated, seeing as how I didn't need to be aroused or anything. We had to mix this powder with lukewarm water, then pour it into this scoop thingy, and then press it up against my crotch, all in a span of two minutes, otherwise the stuff would've hardened and been useless.

I pressed it up against me and all of a sudden the excess mixture started pouring out the sides, running down my legs and getting all over the floor. It was all thick and creamy and it seriously looked like I had some kind of VD, or someone had just shot a lump load all over me.

Sorry for sharing that. Anyways, I started screaming because that shit was getting all over my floor (which I just mopped), so my boner donor ran and got a towel. And then we just started laughing maniacally. There I was, standing in my robe, a bra, and slippers with one hand on a dripping crotch and the other holding a glass of wine. I totally looked like Nelson Muntz's mom.

I had to hold the shovel up to my crotch for four minutes. After enough time had elapsed, I pulled it off (luckily, it didn't stick to my hair), and did not like what I saw. I don't mean to get all precious about my pussy or whatever, but this is not an accurate impression of it.

I guess there was a giant air pocket, so we peeled a dry piece of mixture up off the floor and stuffed it in there. We put the vagina mold in the freezer, per the directions, and then got to work on the chocolate dick kit.

Okay, I'm here's the thing about that: If you want a sexy, fun time, don't do this. It's really weird and mechanical and there's sooooooo much start and stop. For instance, first we had to cut the provided dick tube down to the size of his erection, so I had to blow him for a little bit so that we could figure out how long to make the tube, and then left him hanging there as I was hacking the tube down with scissors.

Then I had to combine the molding powder with water, using a thermometer to make sure it was 98º. I had two minutes to mix the stuff, pour it in the tube, get him hard again, and then shove his peen in there, all before the mixture hardened. It was really stressful, and also, impossible. We couldn't do it on our first try. First of all, my dog began humping my donor's leg, and she just wouldn't let go. And by the time I mixed the stuff and blew him, the mixture had hardened in the tube and he couldn't get his dick in there. So we had to start all over again.

This time, we were practically pros — a well-oiled machine of genital casters. He mixed the stuff and poured it in the tube, while I blew him until he was at full mast. Then he stuck it in the tube, and we waited for two minutes until it had set. (When we pulled it off his dick, it totally queefed!) We placed it in the fridge and then went to work on the dick candle kit.

At this point, we felt like we were sweatshop workers in a sex toy factory. We did the mixture/blow job routine again, and he jammed his dick in the tube. Except this time, we had issues of a different kind. His dick is curved, so it was hitting the side of the tube, so we turned it, as per the directions, so that all sides would be covered, but then a bunch of the stuff poured out, and there wasn't enough left in the tube to give him full coverage.

I was like, "Oh, well we can still do it, it'll just be a shorter candle."

"No way!" he said. "Tracie, I ain't goin' out like that." He insisted we start over, since he wanted it to be longest candle it could possibly be. At this point, with all the thermometers, measuring cups, bowls, powder and whatevs, my bedroom was starting to look like a meth lab.

We decided to take a break. All the stopping and starting of making out and oral sex and fingering that had been going on had proven to be really frustrating but also kind of an exciting form of foreplay, since we were repeatedly forced to put the breaks on. By the time we sat down on the bed together, we just started going at it, and after a few minutes, I was like, "Why don't we forget about the candle for now and you just fuck me." So he did. Twice.

In the morning, I melted the chocolate to put in the molds. They were expired or something and were all white. They look like Junior Mints but they're not.

I poured the melted chocolate into the molds and let them set for 5 minutes. My vulva came out looking like a diseased turd.

I'd like to take the time to reiterate that it DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE. Got it?

And here's the cocklate:

I told you he was curved!

Strangely enough, some of the same women who would be happy in a sexless marriage must have said they still find their spouses sexy, since 72% of wives gave their partners a 7/10 or higher on a scale of sexual attractiveness. Maybe that British-dudes-are-bad-in-bed stereotype has something to it, since apparently British birds prefer chocolate to sex as well.

Shopping is better than sex, say four in ten women [Daily Mail]
British women prefer chocolate to sex [China Daily]

The GMA would like to look at replacing the cocoa butter with 5% oil — the European Union has used a 5 percent ceiling since 2003. Banning trans-fats is understandable, but as one woman says in the video on USAToday.com, "Chocolate is chocolate, let's keep it chocolate!" Go ahead and indulge, before chocolate as we know it is just a fond memory!

The Bitter Sweet Clash Over Chocolate [ABCNews]
Changing The Recipe For Chocolate? [USAToday]

Cosmo takes a squint at the buzz surrounding chocolate diet pills this month.

Yup, you read that right: chocolate diet pills. The theory behind the Euphoric Chocolate Diet Pills is that they trigger the good feeling you get when you munch on the brown stuff, which will make you more likely to stick to your diet because you're happy. Yeah, right. And they also contain a green tea extract that allegedly speeds up fat burning.

So it's basically the miracle we've all been looking for, right? Eat tons of chocolate and actually lose weight.

Not so fast. Cosmo's diet Guru Brigid McKevith is here to harsh your chocoholic buzz:

"Not enough research has been done to confirm that any of these ingredients will actually help you lose weight. Having a cup of green tea and a small bar of dark chocolate will provide the same so-called weight loss ingredients, not too many calories, and is cheaper and way more enjoyable than popping pills."

We'd say that depends on the pills you're popping, Doc. But we get the message. Sadly.