Though women now comprise a majority of their viewership, late night remains stacked with men. Here's a breakdown based on Carter's piece:

"The Jay Leno Show": Zero.
"Late Show with David Letterman": Zero.
"The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien": Zero.
"The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson": One, apparently (his sister).
"Jimmy Kimmel Live!": One.
"The Colbert Report": One.
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart": Two female writers just added.
"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon:" Three out of "about a dozen."

So congratulations, Jimmy Fallon, on being the tallest dwarf! Of course, there is one break from this monotony, and it might not be a coincidence that the host is female!

"Chelsea Lately with Chelsea Handler": Five out of ten.

Which brings us to another point made in the piece: even if writers' rooms were full of women, nine times out of ten they'd still be writing for a male voice:

"When you're writing for late night, you're writing through one person's prism, and that person at the shows you're looking at is always a dude," said Hallie Haglund, one of the new writers on "The Daily Show. " Allison Silverman, who has served as the only woman writer first on "The Daily Show" then on Conan O'Brien's staff, said she had no trouble assuming the voices of male hosts. But she added, "I don't think the issue of sensibility is off base. The hosts and the staffs I worked on often resembled one another. Have you seen how many tall Irish people are on Conan's staff?"

Not surprisingly, the few women that did make it onto writing staffs have coped with being odd woman out with, well, humor:

"I would walk into Lizz [Winstead]'s office, where the writers were assembled to hear the day's jokes, and would want to exercise my executive producer privileges by sending half of them home to shower," Ms. Smithberg said in an e-mail message. "I wonder if the corollary we should be examining is between body odor and humor rather than gender and humor."

There's only one way to find out: hire more women writers. (And um, smell them.)

Among Late Night Shows, Few Women in the Room [New York Times]

Related: Letterman and Me [VF]

Image via The New Yorker

• Guess what? Lindsay Lohan borrowed $2 million worth of jewels from Beverly Hills store XIV Karats and never returned them.

She's saying the jewelry was in her safe, which, as we know, was recently ripped out of the wall and stolen. Something fishy here? [Radar Online]

• Lindsay and Samantha Ronson: Moving at the same time. They're sick of the paparazzi outside of their respective houses. Lindsay will move into a luxury high-rise building, where there's a doorman and she will feel "safer." Sam is also moving into a high-rise, but not the same building. [E!]
• Brody Jenner and Girls Gone Wild's Joe Francis were in an "epic fight" outside of a club in LA. Inside, Brody and his girlfriend Jayde Nicole saw Joe harassing a woman they knew; Jayde threw a drink on Joe; Joe pulled Jayde's hair and punched her in the face. Brody was yelling at Joe and they both got thrown out of the club. Once outside, Brody punched Joe in the face, then someone tased him. [TMZ]
• Joe Francis is wanted for questioning in the assault of Jayde Nicole. he allegedly grabbed her by the hair, punched her, threw her to the ground and kicked her. [Radar Online]
• As mentioned last night, Chris Brown went out on the town after court. His probation requires him to "abstain from the use of all alcoholic beverages and stay out of places where they are the chief item of sale." Los Angeles Probation Department Spokeswoman Kari Webb says if Chris did violate probation, "It won't be taken lightly." [E!]
• Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are "cooling off" their relationship. A source says that they are taking some time apart — and that Britney wanted it. Apparently Jason has "always loved her" so he is giving her space, since that's what she asked for. [Ok!]
• Madonna's boyfriend Jesus Luz is in the promotional trailer for her latest single, playing a DJ. This paper calls him a "flop" with "dodgy dance moves." [Daily Mail]
• Is Hilary Duff indulging in some diva behavior on the set of Gossip Girl? A source says she wouldn't come out of her trailer on Tuesday. Maybe she was refusing to work unless she got to kiss Chuck Bass? That's what SOME of us would do. [Page Six]
• Was MJ a stoner? According to a search warrant, marijuana was found in Michael Jackson's home shortly after he died, as well as temazepam, lorzaepam and diazepam — all used to treat sleeplessness. [People]
• Bleaching cream was found in the master bathroom at Michael Jackson's house; but the substance formerly thought to be heroin was not heroin. [TMZ]
• Debbie Rowe says that all the guys coming out and saying that they could be the father of Michael Jackson's kids just "want their 15 minutes of fame." She said this while at the offices of Dr. Arnold Klein. And while wearing that three wolves howling at a full moon T-shirt. [TMZ]
• Debbie Rowe has been invited to Michael Jackson's funeral. If she accepts, it will be her first supervised visit with the kids. [NY Post]
• Dr. Arnold Klein will not petition for a role in the upbringing of Michael Jackson's children. His lawyer says Klein got involved because he was concerned about the kids having a normal upbringing not related to show business. Jackson told Klein repeatedly that he wanted his children to have a formal education and not be subjected to the rigors of traveling and performing. [AP]
• Michael Jackson's family will be flying his DNA to a UK clinic. A source says: "With everything that's at stake the last thing the Jackson family need is someone using his sperm to give birth to a child and produce another potential heir to Michael's estate." [Mirror]
• Michael Jackson's death caused a bump in magazine sales: $55 million in additional newsstand sales for magazine publishers.[MSNBC Scoop]
• Michael Jackson had a low credit score. [TMZ]
• Authorities say that Ryan Jenkins didn't start fleeing for the Canadian border until 24 hours after Jasmine Fiore's body was found, and even then he had a three-day head start ahead of cops. [AP]
• Police found blood and evidence of a struggle in Jasmine Fiore's car. [NY Daily News]
• The Divorced Dads show is looking really sad. [Page Six]
• LeAnn Rimes is paying for her husband of seven years, Dean Sheremet, to relocate to New York. He'll have a Tribeca bachelor pad and attend the French Culinary Institute. [NY Daily News]
• Lady Gaga appears in FHM wearing a high-cut latex bodysuit and a come-hither look. Pic at the link. [The Sun]
• From a profile on Joseph Gordon-Levitt: So, who'd be his model, as a director? "It's got to be Obama." Really? As a director? "Of course he's a director, he's exactly a director." He's smiling, but his eyes tell you: he's dead serious. [Guardian]
• Contrary to an earlier report, Derek Jeter is not engaged to Minka Kelly. [NY Daily News]
• Two thousand viewers were polled and around 90% think that Simon Cowell and BBC broadcaster Jonathan Ross are paid far too much. [Daily Mail]
• Daniel Craig will star in psychological thriller Dream House, about a New York publishing exec who relocates his family to a small New England town, only to learn that their new home was the scene of a vicious murder. Jim Sheridan (My Left Foot, In The Name Of the Father) will direct. [Variety]
• Robin Williams will star in Wedding Banned, a Disney flick in which he'll play one-half of a long-divorced couple who kidnap their daughter on her wedding day in order to keep her from making a mistake. [Variety]
• Chelsea Handler on her breakup with boss/boyfriend Comcast CEO Ted Harbert: "I only comment on other people's lives, not my own." [People]
• Keanu Reeves is once again dating Anita Hodson, who he was in a relationship with in 2008. [Daily Express]
• Donna Summer played Coney Island last night and almost all the politicians in New York showed up. [NY Times]
• The new flick Surrogates stars Bruce Willis, but he's not on any of the billboards. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Model Brooklyn Decker — wife of Andy Roddick — will guest star on Ugly Betty. [Page Six]
• Kerry Katona's accountant claims she left him black and blue after attacking him at his office. [Daily Mail]
• "It's ultimately derived from 'steampunk,' which is a look that's based on industrial elements, sort of like what people in the 1800s would imagine the future to look like. I just called the main characters mechanized rag dolls, which isn't as sexy." — Elijah Wood, on the "stitchpunk" characters in 9, the movie for which he voices the main character. [WSJ]
• "I'm playing Julia as Julie's idea of what she was like, so I'm not really 'doing' Julia Child," she says. "While I felt a responsibility to her memory and the legacy of the work she did, I didn't feel I was replicating her because I don't presume to know what she was like. That's my rationalisation, my 'out', because I thought that even if I made a big, glaring mistake with her I'm really only a figment of someone else's imagination." — Meryl Streep, on Julie And Julia. [Telegraph]

• Gerard Butler had to shoot a wedding photograph with Jennifer Aniston as a prop for their characters in The Bounty. Gerard says:

"It was quite romantic. We were joking about it: 'We might as well make this real. Keep everybody happy.'" As Gerard slipped the ring on Jen's finger, his phone rang. It was his mother. "I have to call you back. I'm getting married," Butler deadpanned — on speakerphone, so the crew could hear. "She goes, 'What?' " Butler clarified: " 'I'm marrying Jennifer Aniston!' and she's like: 'Oh, good. Well, I'm glad you made the right choice.'" [USA Today]

• Lindsay Lohan feels "scared" and "violated" after the break in at her Hollywood Hills home. She Tweeted: "I know it was not a ROBBERY. electronics weren't taken... just things that a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me. It really makes me sad, and well, obviously-scared. :( and I'm sorry i haven't been on in a bit... my life has been kind of in shambles considering my house was broken into and i feel really violated." [The Sun]
• Uh-oh: The "real reason" Lindsay is upset about someone stealing the safe from her house? She had some "very incriminating" videos, photos and legal documents inside. Will they go public? [Chicago Sun-Times]
• Oh Lord. Britney Spears is "still madly in love" with Adnan Ghalib, the paparazzo she dated for a few months early last year. Notes this column: "The pap-turned-celebrity-by-association was later charged with assault, hit-and-run and battery stemming from an incident in which he allegedly attempted to run over a court official who was trying to serve a restraining order on him." A catch! [Fox News]
• Britney has been catching shows while in New York: Wicked and The Little Mermaid, for instance. But her lawyer Larry Rudolph is with her, not alleged boyfriend/manager Jason Trawick. What does it mean? [Page Six]
• MSNBC Scoop columnist Courtney Hazlett went to the Britney Spears concert in NYC and reports: "When Spears wasn't changing from one fabric swatch to another, her time onstage could be summed up in one word: walking. There was walking from one side of the stage to the other. There was walking from one backup dancer so she could be flung toward another. Sometimes you could find Spears walking to a cage, entering and having another person push it, so the cage could do the walking for her." [MSNBC Scoop]
• The 53-year-old man charged with stalking Miley Cyrus told an investigator he planned on visiting her movie set and "finishing things." [AP]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin are accusing each other of financial deception. Prediction: It will get uglier than an Ed Hardy T-shirt. [Radar Online]
• The real reason Kate called the cops on Jon recently? She heard Jon was going out drinking and leaving the kids with babysitter Stephanie Santoro. [Radar Online]
• Jon was spotted wearing a shirt with the words "Lies lies lies lies." [Gatecrasher]
• On August 13, Jon and Kate's plus 8 — the children — staged a rebellion, refusing to be videotaped for the show. "The kids staged a sit-in — a revolt," Jon tells Life & Style. "They didn't want to work." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Now it comes out: Documents released by the court show that Chris Brown and Rihanna had a history of violence. She had slapped him during an argument three months before the February incident in which he assaulted her; his response was to shove her into a wall. A second fight, in January, involved an argument inside of an SUV in Barbados. Chris Brown "exited and broke the front driver and passenger side windows of the car. No one was injured during the incident." [People, TMZ]
• Before Chris Brown was sentenced, his record label CEO, a lawyer who has worked with Oprah and Brown's pastor all wrote letters to the judge. [TMZ]
• Chris Brown has been "depressed" since the assault on Rihanna. [TMZ]
• Court documents also show that in June, Chris Brown said that he was "ashamed and embarrassed" about the Rihanna beating. He wanted to plead guilty, but his lawyer, Mark Geragos, would not let him. Brown also told probation officers that he wanted to attend domestic violence counseling and "do it right." [TMZ]
• An official transcript of the incident between Chris and Rihanna is at the link; it is detailed and disturbing. Just a snippet: "As he drove, he continued to punch the victim in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand…
  [Brown] looked at [Rihanna] and said 'I'm going to beat the shit out of you when we get home! You wait and see!'" [TMZ]
• Kari Ann Peniche, whom you may have seen topless in Rebecca Gayheart and Eric Dane's nude video, says that she is a sex addict but not a madam. She says her hard drive has pictures of reputed madams because she once wrote a college paper about prostitution. She also says: "My biggest concern is my family. My brother is saying he wants to change his last name now. He goes, 'You're not my sister anymore.'" [E!]
• Six words: Neal Patrick Harris on American Idol. [Gatecrasher]
• Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer got together during the pilot of True Blood, but kept it very quiet. Costar Carrie Preston says: "They were very cool and professional about it." [People]
• John Mayer and Taylor Swift will be making music together, and that is not a euphemism. [Gatecrasher]
• Beyoncé has been named Billboard's Woman of The Year. [AP]
• Paula Abdul has gotten the boot from Ugly Betty "over her outrageous demands" — including a private jet. This report claims she will host a VH1 show called Divas instead and Kristen Johnston will take Paula's part on Ugly Betty. [The Sun]
• Danielle Staub from Real Housewives Of New Jersey needs a cover shot for her upcoming memoir, and is trying to get photographers to take a picture of her for free. A source says, "It's embarrasing and tacky!" [Gatecraasher]
• A "skripper" pal of Amber Rose claims that she got illegal injections from a "hood doctor" to make her butt bigger. [Media Takeout]
• Chelsea Handler and her boyfriend have broken up. But as you may know, her boyfriend is Ted Harbert, CEO of Comcast, aka her boss. He's moved out of the house and into a hotel. [Gatecrasher]
• Joe Francis is facing a criminal trial, and his defense team will try to legitimize Joe by linking the Girls Gone Wild mastermind to stars like Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn and Jack Nicholson. Too bad Jen's name is misspelled in the presentation slide. [The Smoking Gun]
• Curious about Martina Navratilova's love life? Want to see the word "galimony" used in a sentence? Click the link! [Page Six]
• A&E is planning a reality series about the Jackson brothers. The network had already ordered a show before Michael Jackson died, but now the series will be expanded and focus on the band as they reunite as brothers — "underneath a cloud of tragedy." [NY Times]
• Comedy Central has been doing research on its fans and finds that viewers say that "people think I'm cool because I watch" Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. [NY Times]
• Drag performer Erickatoure Aviance went to a taping of the Wendy Williams show, but was told that she could not appear on camera or ask any questions because she was "in violation of the no-costumes dress code." Aviance said: "This is not a costume." And someone connected with the show said: "Well, it's a costume to us. We don't want the show to turn into Let's Make a Deal, where everyone comes in crazy costumes." Aviance was stunned: "So you're comparing me to a man in a gorilla suit?" Aviance notes: "I was wearing a ponytail piece and a bang piece. It was much less hair than Wendy was wearing and, p.s., much less hair than any of the other black women in the audience." Now Lonnie Burstein, the VP of the company behind the show, has issued an apology to Aviance and to GLAAD. [Advocate, Advocate]
• Susan Sarandon: Joining the cast of Oliver Stone's Wall Street 2: Electric Boogaloo. [Variety]
• Redmond O'Neal, son of Farrah Fawcett, has signed a reality show deal — brokered by his dad, Ryan O'Neal — that will chronicle hus strugle with addiction. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "Eddie Cibrian and Wife 'Both Happy'...Now That They're Getting Divorced." [E!]
• The Who's Pete Townshend has written a new musical, Floss, about the aging process. It's like, "Tommy can you hear me? Turn up your hearing aid!" [AP]
• Whatshername's new boyfriend tells her he loves her 50 million times a day, which seems excessive. [Daily Mail]
• "It was exhilaratingly humiliating. But I completely became giddy in a strange way the moment I put on the dress. Vanity quickly set in, and I thought to myself, 'I wish my belly was flatter.' Let's face it, I don't look great in a dress, but it's nice to hear I have nice legs." — Liev Schreiber on playing a transvestite in Taking Woodstock. Click for pic! [People]
• "The Runaways is absolutely not a biopic. It's not fact-for-fact. What they did was basically take elements from the Runaways story and created a parallel narrative. We're hoping it will be great. They exceeded our expectations with the casting. ... Even if it's not a huge movie, it's going to have a colossal effect on young girls playing rock 'n' roll, for sure. Kristen [Stewart] was so into it, into the whole vibe of doing this. I think she felt a weight and a responsibility to interpret it correctly. She was really serious about it and was watching me and asking me all sorts of question, from speech aspects to watching my body language, watching where I stood, watching my guitar playing. She really worked hard to get it right." — Joan Jett. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• "Everything in our movie, it's such a heightened version of reality. People don't just break up [in the films] – they break up and it literally kills you. It's not like you just say, 'Oh, I'm really depressed and crying.' I always had a really hard time figuring out, 'Am I doing enough? Do I look like I'm going to die?' My favorite line in the book is when I have to say to [Jacob], 'It's him; it's always been him!' Yeah, it killed me. It killed me." — New Moon star Kristen Stewart. [People]
• "I do get men trying to pick me up and it's funny because a year ago, when I was dressing like this, with a very avant-garde fashion sense, I think I intimidated men much more. It was funny the other day when I was wearing my cone head and this radio DJ was saying, 'Oh you're so sexy', when the mic was off. I thought, 'I can't believe that after a whole year, they finally think my cone head is sexy." — Lady Gaga. [Mirror]

• Is Brad Pitt done with showbiz? It almost seems like he's dropping hints:

"I think acting is a younger man's game," he says. "There are fewer interesting parts for older people and we all get older. But I feel like I've done it. I've kind of had my time and that's quite freeing. There are still acting dreams left but I'll do them first and then we'll talk about them." There's always architecture! [Daily Express]

• Jennifer Aniston embraces the lonely! "If I'm the emblem for 'this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,' so be it." Jen tells Elle. "I can make fun of myself," she says. "And I'll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up." [NY Post]
• Friends, today is the day: Some sites are participating in A Day Without Megan Fox. But over at E!, they're calling it Megan Fox Awareness Day, since she "drops wild nonsense in interviews, walks around wet, totally bends over in big dumb movies about robots, and then makes ballsy acting choices." [E!]
• Madonna did not, repeat, did not write a song dedicated to Guy Ritchie called "Eternal Love." Gossipeuse Liz Smith calls it a "hilarious rumor." [Variety]
• Page Six claims that the "gay spin" on Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson — as played by Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law in Guy Ritchie's flick, out on Christmas Day, could "backfire." Former Post movie critic Michael Medved says: "Who is going to want to see Downey Jr. and Law make out? I don't think it would be appealing to women." Sir, you are wrong. [Page Six]
• Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black is suing Starzlife.com for posting explicit photographs of him having sex with a guy named Jeff Delancy. Invasion of privacy, copyright infringement, etc. [ONTD]
• Aw, sweet: NYPD cops are worried about Robert Pattinson: "We have celebrities a lot bigger than this guy who can come and go in perfect safety because we know how to take the right precautions. We have presidents and kings come and go. This poor kid can't get in or out of a car without things getting dangerous." [MSNBC]
• E! landed an "exclusive" interview with Kate Major, aka "Kate 2.0" and in this preview she says vague things like "Do I regret anything? Not really." And: "It is a huge relief to finally talk." Uh, you were talking the whole time. And seriously, how did the paparazzi know you went to dinner with the dude? Who has photographer's phone numbers: Jerk Gosselin or you, a Star magazine reporter? And isn't it funny how that shot of you guys going out to dinner made the cover of Star? [E!]
• By the by, check out this Kate Gosselin-esque wig. The prediction is that you'll be seeing a lot of them come Halloween. [LA Times]
• Rihanna had ice cream with the record exec responsible for putting Chris Brown's song in a Wrigley's commercial. Hmm. [Page Six]
• An animated music video directed by the late Heath Ledger premieres online today; it's for Modest Mouse's song "King Rat" and can be seen on MySpace. [Newser, NME]
• Michael Douglas's son Cameron: Busted for meth. [TMZ]
• Dina Lohan and Michael Lohan: Spotted acting friendly at a charity event. [Page Six]
• Why does Michael Jackson's dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein claim to have "unique interests" in the custody of MJ's kids? Is he indeed the bio-dad? [MSNBC Scoop]
• Kathy Hilton, who met Michael Jackson when they were teens, says: "I adore Mrs. Jackson. Katherine is the rock." Of MJ, Kathy says: "People think that they knew him and they didn't. His generosity, sense of humor, the mischievous giggle, the laugh." [People]
• It's confirmed that Kara DioGuardi will return to American Idol, and Fox execs are singing her praises. Mike Darnell, president of alternative programming, says she has a "spitfire personality and sharp musical sensibility" and gave the show "new energy"; executive producer Simon Fuller says, "She is a breath of fresh air and her passion for music and her understanding of talent is invaluable." What does all this mean for Paula Abdul? [People]
• Someone overheard Mischa Barton talking about having a stalker. [Page Six]
• Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler are planning to remarry, one year after finalizing their divorce. "We would like to renew our vows and have another wedding," Shanna says. "It's not so much about the wedding but about having a celebration of each other and getting through all the crazy things we've been through." And: "When you almost lose a loved one, it makes you appreciate things you took for granted." [ONTD]
• There's a request for a restraining order against Daniel Baldwin — issued by a woman in Malibu. She fired her nanny, who is Baldiwn's niece, and Baldwin called the house and "left a hostile message." [Radar Online]
• 24's Mary Lynn Rajskub married personal trainer Matthew Rolph in Las Vegas over the weekend, in a casino with Elvis playing. But! "Our wedding was beautiful, spontaneous and intimate," she says. [People]
• Dearest Hugh Jackman, of course we will go see you play P.T. Barnum in The Greatest Showman on Earth, a musical flick put together by the peeps who did your Academy Awards extravaganza. Especially since Mika is in talks to do the music and lyrics. [Variety]
• Griffin O'Neal is spilling all kinds of shit about his dad, Ryan O'Neal. For instance: His father attempted to shoot him; Ryan was unfaithful to Farrah Fawcett; Ryan gave Redmond cash for drugs. [CNN]
• Hulk smash jitterbug! Lou Ferrigno is headed to Dancing With The Stars. [Life & Style]
• Click for an excellent snap of Jack Nicholson getting down on the dancefloor in the South of France. [NY Post]
• Jenna Elfman has a sitcom on CBS this fall, but she did go through a dark period where shows got canceled and development deals failed for various reasons. "It was quite a challenging four or five years in my life." [LA Times]
• Alyssa Milano has an ABC comedy pilot, Romantically Challenged, which looks like it might get picked up. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Chelsea Handler is the worst boss ever in a video at the link. [E!]
• Laguna Beach alum Jason Wahler got drunk and threw his shoes at people. [TMZ]
• Kevin Costner will return to Alberta, Canada to lend support to those injured by a stage collapse at a country music festival where he was set to perform. [Mirror]
• "Julianna Margulies slapped Chris Noth three times for the scene in the pilot in which The Good Wife goes bad. In a good way.The first time, she didn't hit him hard enough. The second time, the camera was off. The third time, she left a red welt on his face. 'Chris Noth is so great,' she said at press tour on Monday. 'He's like, 'Oh, please, I've been hit so many times.'" [LA Times]
• Will The Sopranos make it to the big screen, as a movie? [Gatecrasher]
• Fifty years ago, Jayne Mansfield cut a ribbon at the Chiswick Flyover, a stretch of elevated road in west London. To celebrate the 50th anniversary of the flyover, Mansfield's daughter Mariska Hargitay has been invited to an event. [Telegraph]
• "I haven't done it yet, but I'm excited... I'm lucky – yeah, I know." — Gerard Butler, on kissing Jennifer Aniston in scenes for The Bounty. [People]

• According to a search warrant, Dr. Conrad Murray is officially the target of a manslaughter investigation into the death of Michael Jackson. But more importantly, Michael's hair is being made into diamonds.

• Police issued a search warrant for a storage locker in Houston that Dr. Conrad Murray had his employees visit on the morning of Michael's death. According to the warrant, police are looking for, "items constituting evidence of the offense of manslaughter that tend to show that Dr. Conrad Murray committed the said criminal offense." [TMZ]
• Here are some more shady details about Dr. Conrad Murray: Police say he wasn't in the room when Michael Jackson's heart stopped. Murray says he found Michael in distress about a half an hour before he called 911 at 12:21 p.m., but that doesn't explain why he made his employees take a suspicious trip to his storage locker three hours earlier. [TMZ]
• When the feds raided Dr. Conrad Murray's Houston office earlier this week they too two Yahoo emails from Stacey Howe, correspondence addressed to Howe, and asked the office manager if she knew Howe. [TMZ]
• OMG: LifeGem is planning to make a lock of Michael Jackson's hair that fell off his head in the 1984 Pepsi commercial accident into diamonds. Producer Ralph Cohen found the lock of hair in his jacket after he threw it on MJ's head to put out the fire. "The provenance and authenticity of this lock of hair is impeccable, including the highly publicized video showing the original owner of the hair using his Armani jacket to extinguish Jackson's hair," said hair collector John Reznikoff, who sold some of the hair sample to LifeGem. The company is examining the hair to see how many laboratory diamonds they can get out of it. [UPI]
• Jon Gosselin and Kate Major are still at Michael Lohan's house. "They are still shacked up together because they don't want to be hounded by the media," said a source. Is it too much to hope that they'll stay in hiding forever? [Radar Online]
• Apparently not. Kate Major said today, "As a journalist, I get it... I realize being in the public eye often means facing criticism and being a target of hurtful lies. It simply comes with the territory." But she added, "I just want people to know that I am a nice and genuine person and anyone who knows me knows that." [E!]
• Kate Gosselin was photographed today without her wedding ring even though when she was asked last month why she still had it on she explained: "It would devastate my kids. It's not necessary. I was looking at it while I was in the shower this morning, and I thought, I'm not taking it off. I'm not ready." What could Jon have done to change her mind? [People]
• Ugh. People is polling it's readers on who's best for Jon Gosselin: Kate Gosselin, Kate Major or Hailey Glassman. So far Kate Gosselin in is winning, but we just want all of them to take a chastity vow. [People]
• According to multiple sources Adrian Grenier's junk is smelly and he has a hairy butt. [L.A. Rag Mag]
• Katrina Bowden of 30 Rock has made a bold admission: she doesn't find Robert Pattinson that attractive. "I think he's a good looking guy, but I'm not that into him," she said, "He's not really my type... He looks like he has a scowl on his face, which some people find very sexy. I like somebody who's more funny and jokey – a little less serious looking." [People]
• 45,000 stop signs in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin were vandalized to read "Stop Voldemort." Initially the police though Voldemort was a new tagger until an officer's seven-year-old son explained it. [The Guardian]
• Rihanna is back in the studio recording a new album, which a source says "will be the album to really give her an identity musically." It's goign to be more techo-based than her previous work. [People]
• Major League Soccer fined David Beckham $1,000 for threatening to fight L.A. Galaxy fans who booed him in his own stadium. [TMZ]
• Simon Cowell offered Anna Friel a record deal after he noticed her on a British soap opera in the 1990s. She explained, "Simon offered me a record deal twice, I was about 19. I wouldn't be here now if I'd said yes." [The Daily Express]
• In May after the Lost series finale, props and costumes from the show will be auctioned, including Kate's toy plane, Hurley's winning lottery ticket, and Locke's hunting knife. [UPI]
• E. Lynn Harris, a pioneer of gay black fiction died last night at the age of 54. He became ill at the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills, but the cause of death is still unclear. [USA Today]
• Last night Kristen Cavallari told Chelsea Handler that Lauren Conrad is "a bit more reserved," while she's "more energetic." Chelsea replied: "Are you suggesting you have a personality?" Video here: [Entertainment Weekly]
• Isabelle Fuhrman, the 12-year-old girl who stars in Orphan is actually pretty adorable in real life. She said, "Usually I can't even see PG-13 movies unless my mom sees them before me. The only reason I was allowed to see [the R-rated Orphan] is that when we were on set in Montreal my mom said, 'I'll let you see the scenes you're in.' And then a producer tapped her on the shoulder and said, 'Uh, that's every single scene!'" But she still hasn't see the whole thing. She added, "My sister sat next to me in the theater and covered my eyes during scenes of Vera [Farmiga] and Peter [Sarsgaard] um, you know." She explains how they Photoshopped her to make her look scarier on the movie poster here: [W]
• Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta says she's returning for another season because, "I figured in the second season you couldn't make me look any worse, so I might as well do it." She adds that her newfound fame on a cable reality show enables her to identify with Michael Jackson and Britney Spears. "I feel bad for Britney Spears," she says. "I look at her and I'm like they just tear up one side and down the other! Then the next month, she's doing so great. She's lost weight. She's a great mom all of a sudden. I kind of sympathize with her because I take a lot of that heat myself."
  [People]
• Eminem is a huge fan of The Wire , so he asked Dominic West to voice a British doctor on the first track of his new CD. West says Eminem was "very sweet" adding, "I'm the first thing you hear on his new album. Track No 1 is called Doctor West which is pretty cool, don't you think? He's a fan of The Wire - he's watched The Wire four times all the way through, he doesn't get out much, he's obsessed with The Wire. [Mirror]
• In this clip Megan Fox explains the plot of Jennifer's Body: The boys in Adam Brody's band, "sacrifice [Jennifer] thinking she's a virgin but she's not. She's not even a backdoor virgin." So the sacrifice backfires and she needs to feed on human flesh so she starts eating the boys in her high school. Diablo Cody says she wrote the script because "a lot of adolescent girls are ravenous. You feed on your friends and you feed on boys sexually and it's a time when emotions are heightened and you feel a little insane and... specifically with women you haven't seen this in a horror movie." [TMZ]

• Damn Yankee Alex Rodriguez — previously linked to Madonna — was seen MAKING OUT with Kate Hudson in Miami. Isn't she into hairy hippies? [Page Six]

• Is there some kind of "catfight" happening on the set of Iron Man 2? This paper claims "the claws are out" and "sparks are flying" between Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson. A "source" says: "They come from different worlds and have completely different styles. Gwyneth has found Scarlett very demanding of the attention of the crew. It's not a happy set." Wimminz don't know how to work together! [The Sun]
• As you may recall, Mariska Hargitay had a partially collapsed lung, and now she reveals why: "I've been doing my own stunts on the show for 10 years. I fell wrong, basically. I collapsed my lung doing a stunt." She adds: "I'm back to my old self." [People]
• Rihanna: Spotted in the VIP room of NYC strip club FlashDancers with six friends, "tipping the girls a lot" and kissing a guy she was with. A guy who was not Chris Brown. [Page Six]
• Cynthia Nixon is engaged to ladyfriend Christine Marinoni, but says: "There are really not any wedding plans other than to do everything we can ... to see that same-sex marriage is passed in New York." Word. She continues: "I've lived here all my life. ... I want to get married in my home. I think it's really time for New York to step up to the plate." [USA Today]
• This film critic writes, "Jennifer Aniston is prime example of good actors making bad movie choices… Every time we see a new picture of her on the set of The Baster, we have to ask: Why does America's most famously single woman continually put herself in awkward positions onscreen?" [NY Daily News]
• Simon Cowell and Kara DioGuardi: Not leaving American Idol. "Every year there are rumors right before the finale," spills a source. "That's all they are - rumors. It makes for good buzz." [MSNBC]
• Lily Allen's band may have trashed a hotel room, but Lily was not part of it: "They did a pretty good job of one [hotel room] in Paris. TVs out of the window and everything, but I wasn't there. I wasn't involved. I was in a different hotel. It was a day off. When I have a day off and you're in a European city the band tends to be a write off. I didn't see them for that whole day, I didn't want to. They sounded like they were in a state." [Daily Mail]
• Here are pictures of Hayden Panettiere, 19, and her new man, Welsh TV personality Steve Jones, 32, sunbathing in the south of France. [Daily Mail]
• If you're a Twihard, or just a regular person, you can see the New Moon poster in all its Photoshoppy glory at the link. [Perez]
• Your friend Kanye West pleaded not guilty to misdemeanor charges regarding that paparazzi scuffle at LAX last year. He's got a hearing on July 15. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Chelsea Handler does not want Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag Pratt on her show; they were pitched to her last week, and she says: "I told my talent booker to tell their publicists to fuck off." [Perez Hilton]
• Julianne Hough previously said she was leaving Dancing With The Stars next season; now she is saying she'll work on her music for a while and return in 2010. [People]
• Mel Gibson's girlfriend: "Definitely" pregnant. Which means the National Enquirer was right. [MSNBC]
• Precious, the film based on the novel Push by Sapphire, received a standing ovation in Cannes. [Guardian]
• Katy Perry "kept everyone in business class awake with her rowdy partying" on a European flight over the weekend. A person who emerges from a giant banana does not arrive quietly. [Gatecrasher]
• Jermaine Dupri has a tattoo of Janet Jackson looking like the Virgin Mary. What have you done for her lately? [The Life Files]
• Farrah Fawcett's friend Alana Stewart says Fawcett has not been given a timetable regarding how much time she has left. "No one has said to her you have two months to live," Stewart said Monday. "So I'm looking at that as a really good sign." [CNN]
• Apparently Alana Stewart, who appears on camera throughout Farrah's Story, got $200,000 after she threatened to cancel the project. [NY Post]
• Your TV is about to get more Sherri Shepherd: Lifetime has ordered 12 episodes of Sherri, the comedy in which she plays a a single mom, paralegal and actress. [Variety]
• Pedro Almodovar's Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown: coming to TV in the US! Plus: A Broadway musical! [Breitbart]
• Colin Firth and Kevin Spacey will star in flick based on a George Orwell book. Catalonia revolves around the real-life story of how Orwell and his wife Eileen traveled to Barcelona to fight Stalinism. Sexy? [Variety]
• "Rod Stewart's wife has spoken of her heartache at being unable to conceive a second child… Stewart, who has six other children from four previous relationships, is also said to be desperate for another baby." [Daily Mail]
• Porn star Marilyn Chambers, who was found dead in her home at the age of 56 last month, died from complications of heart disease, according to the coroner's report. [Reuters]
• Rapper Dolla, whose album was scheduled to drop via Jive Records this summer, was fatally shot in the head in the parking lot of the Beverly Center mall in L.A. yesterday. [UPI]
• Blind item! "Which SAG Award-winning actor has pals ship him marijuana in hollowed-out candles when he's working out of town?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I said, 'Mariah, do you fancy playing a Jewish social worker and tapping into your white side? You will have to commit to wearing dark circles under your eyes, a wig and the cheapest fabric on your body, and shedding all the layers.' And, you know, it wasn't that hard for her, because that is who she's like when we're alone. She's part of a group of African-Americans that have been blessed to have been around the world and have a little money, but who are a generation away from, if not actually from, the ghetto. We feel like a little unit - Lenny Kravitz, Mariah Carey, me. We are outsiders in our own community, a little." — Lee Daniels, director of Precious. [Guardian]
• "I didn't want to release it for a long time, because it's very personal. But I've grown so much in the past two years – I feel ready for people to see it now."— Paris Hilton on her movie, Paris Not France. [Mirror]
• "How could anyone think I would pretend to split up from my wife to grab headlines? It's just sick." — Peter Andre, who is "crushed" that his marriage to Katie "Jordan" Price has disintegrated. [The Sun]
• "I saw a woman walking a big iguana and holding it up to have a pee." — Ashley Jensen, aka Christina on Ugly Betty, on why L.A. freaks her out. [The Sun]
• "I think the handful of people who disagreed with this song really misunderstood what the record was about. What I'm talking about is getting money. I was really trying to point out that Arabs have one of the richest cultures in the world, not just from a monetary standpoint but also a spiritual standpoint. In the United States and North America, we're not really identified with a particular faith. We don't really have a culture that anyone can identify with because America is a mixture taken from everyone else's [roots]. My thinking is that if we're going to take from a culture, let's take from a culture that has exemplified success for thousands of years." — Busta Rhymes, on his controversial track, "Arab Money," which uses verses from the Koran as well as statements about women and partying. [Time]
• "I think they were in a much more hopeful place when the last movie ended, and that's really all I can tell you about where we will pick them up. I was given such great stuff to do in the last movie, but it was very emotional and almost tragic. I would really like to see Miranda back in her stride, with a spring in her step. To be Samantha, to be any of the women, marriage, it might be your destination or it might not. It doesn't mean that you're just sitting by the phone weeping. You might have a very full life that you're enjoying." — Cynthia Nixon, on the Sex And The City sequel. [USA Today]
• "Getting naked was very strange. It was the first time I'd been naked in the light, in front of a girl with no hiding place. I remember putting a pillow underneath her because I had seen that in a porn movie. It put her at a weird angle. I'm not extremely well-endowed and clearly this wasn't the move." — Shia LaBeouf, on losing his virginity. [Mirror]

• Shanna Moakler, Co-Executive Director of the Miss California Organization, has confirmed that the pageant paid for Miss California Carrie Prejean's breast implants.

Moakler also says Miss California is not speaking to her right now. But she doesn't want Miss California stripped of her crown: "I don't want to fire her! I think she's a great, young girl, and I got into pageants, because I want to help young girls. I want to guide young girls. I know what pageants [did] for me and I know what it can do for young women and also working within the community." Uh-huh. Sure. Moakler also says: "I don't want to fire Carrie. I want her to use her platform, because this is her platform, I didn't know she was this passionate about it… I'm glad I know now and I support and will help her, but…" [Access Hollywood]

• Sarah Jessica Parker is talking about the twins she is expecting (through a surrogate): "It's been a complicated past few weeks… My main concern is that my husband and son [James Wilkie, now 6 years old] have enough time. Hopefully, our son is feeling loved and taken care of." [Gatecrasher]
• Don't speak! No Doubt reunites tomorrow for its first live performance in five years… on the Today show. So rock and roll. [NY Daily News]
• Chief Justice Lovemore Munlo of Malawi will lead a panel in Madonna's appeal case; Madge wants to overturn the court's decision to reject her application to adopt 3-year-old Mercy. Her Madgesty is not required to attend the hearing on May 4. Think she'll make an appearance? [People]
• The Daily Fail spoke to Mercy's biological father, who has never MET Mercy, but says: "She is my daughter; she is my blood; she needs parental love. She is not an orphan. She lost one parent, yes, but I am still alive and so she is not an orphan. Madonna has millions of dollars but that doesn't make her a good mum. Parental love is more than money. Besides, I don't think Madonna is a model mum. I have seen her in movies of her songs. She doesn't portray good morals. How can a woman of 50 dance almost naked on stage? I wouldn't want my daughter to grow up like that! In Malawi women respect themselves. Cultured women do not go about half-naked." It goes on, but you get the point. [Daily Mail, NY Post]
• Meanwhile, Madonna is looking for a place in the Hamptons, but the peeps in the Hamptons seem to think she may be a pain in the ass. [Page Six]
• So remember the report that claimed Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's bodyguard was writing a tell-all book? He says: "No, no, no. I'm not writing a tell-all book. I don't know where this story came from. It's not true." Dammit! [MSNBC via Life & Style]
• Rihanna's father sounds absolutely overjoyed when he says: "[Rihanna is] a different person, back to herself. It's like Chris never existed. She seems reborn. She's realizing how precious life is." [MSNBC]
• Nadya Suleman, mother of octuplets, wants to sue sources from In Touch magazine who claim she was a stripper. "I've never even met a stripper in my life," she says. [MSNBC]
• Bottoms up: Justin Timberlake's new tequila, 901, is "actually a really nice product," says a "tequila geek" and bar owner. "It has a nice richness to it, a full-body mouth feel, a nice finish." That's what she said? [NY Daily News]
• In this article, entertainment professionals and insiders list nine things Lindsay Lohan should do to save her career. Examples: do some charity work, develop self-discipline, focus. [NY Daily News]
• Uh-oh: Paula Abdul was "totally fooled" by Bruno, the character Sacha Baron Cohen plays in his upcoming flick. [Page Six]
• Spotted: Ryan Gosling having dinner with a "mystery model." [Page Six]
• Heidi Klum says Susan Boyle could be a good Project Runway guest. "She could be a good challenge." Is that a compliment? [E!]
• Early reviews for Wolverine are not good; critics call it "noisy and impersonal" and "silly and typical" and "a keen disappointment." However. Everyone will see it anyway and it will surely win the box office and be a "hit." [Reuters]
• Hugh Hefner says he does not want Holly Madison to be his girlfriend again. "The notion that I would want her back as a girlfriend is bizarre. I am now in one of the best relationships in memory with Crystal Harris and the twins. I'm not going to screw it up with former girlfriends." [E!]
• Prison Break star Lane Garrison went from prison to Jessica Simpson's house. He says "I'm blessed to be alive." Garrison was incarcerated for 19 months for a DUI crash that killed one person; Jessica's father Joe was his youth minister in Texas, so he's close to the fam. [E!]
• Top Gun star Kelly McGillis has come out: She is a lesbian. She says her next partner would "definitely be a woman." And: "I'm done with the man thing. It's a part of being true to yourself. That's been a challenge for me personally." [This Is London]
• Usher is allowing the Boys and Girls Club of America to use a childhood photo of him in their ad campaign. He looks cute! [USA Today]
• Simon Cowell's first gig in showbiz was to polish the axe Jack Nicholson used in The Shining. Apropos? [The Sun]
• Unauthorized Diana Ross biography: In the works. Guess what? She's being painted as "ambitious." THE SCANDAL. [Variety]
• Do we like this picture of Chelsea Handler with a man between her legs? [E!]
• Tony Blair, Kate Winslet and other celebs have contributed to a book of butterfly pictures compiled in memory of a young woman who died from leukemia. [Telegraph]
• "Jailed Jack Tweed [widow of Jade Goody] turned tail and ran from the showers in prison - after THREE encounters with naked gay star Boy George." [The Sun]
• Redmond O'Neal — son of Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neal — pleaded not guilty yesterday to the felony charge that he brought drugs to jail. [ET]
• A settlement has been reached in the defamation lawsuit filed against Dr. Phil by a witness in O.J. Simpson's robbery case. [AP]
• Blind item: "Which starlet's constant state of inebriation is causing problems in her marriage? Her hubby hates having to physically remove her from nightclubs." [Gatecrasher]
• "CSI will beat the hell out of him." — CEO of Viacom and CBS, Sumner Redstone, on Jay Leno having a show on at 10pm. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• "I don't think it's irrelevant because I am sure there are still people out there who are living it up… I think the show is taken for what it is — it's a piece of entertainment and that's the value and that's the worth." — Ed Westwick, on Gossip Girl. [Mirror]
• "The worst thing about Ricky as a director is that if something is funny at all and it was improvisational, he breaks and laughs and ruins your take. I would say, 'It's your movie. Just leave, go in another room. Let me just do it.' He's like, 'Just do it again.' I said, 'Ricky, it's not the same. You suck.' But he knew exactly what he wanted." — Jennifer Garner on working with Ricky Gervais in The Invention Of Lying. [The Star]
• "It's got to be the right story. You can't make The Dark Knight and then come out with something disappointing. The fact is I have to. Chris doesn't. So I'm in a fix if he says he doesn't want to." — Christian Bale, concerned that director Chris Nolan has yet to sign on for another Batman flick. (Bale is contractually obligated to star in a third movie.) [Daily Express]
• Q:You're featured on the gossip website Gawker all the time. Do websites like that annoy you? A: "No, I'm not somebody who reads about what I'm actually up to that week - which usually they get wrong. Maybe you can pass the word on to anybody who reads these sites or who sees their kids on them that most of the time these people are making stuff up. If people want to really know what's up with me then they can read one of my interviews." — Chuck Bass, ahem, Ed Westwick. [Guardian]
• "I've had my garbage stolen… I think tabloid journalism has become so pervasive is that it gives people the chance to feel better about themselves in a slightly sick way. A lot of it is 'Stars are just like us! They have cellulite and bad eating habits and drug problems!' There are a lot of celebrities that are more than happy to share every last detail about their lives until there's no mystery left whatsoever." — Ryan Reynolds. [USA Today]
• "I'm doing my part to save the planet. You know that new Aston Martin Vantage? I didn't buy it. You're welcome, Earth!" — Jon Hamm. [Gatecrasher]
• "It has truly never been my intention to be a performer, and I think it's probably best that I stop performing pretty soon and start writing. [Acting] is like a big red herring. I kind of want to stop it, really." — Tilda Swinton would rather be a poet. [The Daily Beast]
• "We look around. We see what we want. Don't you look around and see what you want to look like? I'm, like, look, Michelle Obama's guns. I could have those arms. I don't know about the legs." — Kirstie Alley, to Oprah. [People]

Handler more than lives up to the title of "Leno's Naughty Rival," bestowed on her by critic Caryn James in a post today on The Daily Beast. James writes:

Chelsea Lately is breaking up the boys' club of late-night, but that's the least of it. She's doing for pop culture what Jon Stewart's Daily Show does for-or to-the news. She sends up the idiocy of our obsession with Lohans and Kardashians while indulging our endless fascination with them, the way Stewart mocks the media's lunacy while giving us some updates we can really use.

Chelsea Handler: Leno's Naughty Rival [The Daily Beast]

• Rihanna's maybe moving on! But: She was seen getting cozy with Wilmer Valderrama. Isn't that dude bad news bears? He's been linked to Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Ashlee Simpson, Mandy Moore… [Mirror]

• So you know how Lindsay Lohan has a new Maserati? It's already been in a minor car accident. LL wasn't driving — her assistant hit a Subaru in front of them. [Just Jared]
• Is Angelina Jolie on a "crazy" diet called liquid detox? [The Sun]
• WTF: Nadya Suleman has fired the nurse-nannies from Angels in Waiting! She felt she was being judged or something? How the heck is she going to take care of 14 kids by herself? Seriously? [E!]
• Did Jennifer Aniston dump John Mayer over his Twitter obsession? [Daily Mail]
• This one time, Mary-Kate Olsen was driven off the road by the paparazi. "It was never written about,"she says. [Just Jared]
• Designer Rachel Roy has filed for divorce from hip-hop mogul Damon Dash. He co-founded Rocawear but has since been struggling with debt and bad business deals; she has her own line of women's clothing. They have two kids. This should be interesting. [NY Daily News]
• Jesus Luz says he did not cheat on Madonna with some random woman in Brazil: "The press created this story." Welcome to fame! [The Sun]
• Uh-oh: "Madonna's fling with Jesus Luz and her rumored hookup with A-rod may foil adoption plans." An official from Malawi's Ministry of Child Welfare says: "Our official policy is that we do not encourage our children to be sent into broken homes." [NY Daily News]
• Um, this report claims that Jesus wants to adopt a kid with Madonna. Grain of salt. [ONTD]
• Angelina Jolie's mother owes $60,000 in back taxes, despite having passed away in 2007. How do you fix that? [TMZ]
• Diablo Cody and her homies all wear matching necklaces which read "Fuck My Face." Heart-warming! [NY Mag]
• Here is a photograph of Amy Winehouse climbing over a spiked fence and being compared to Sideshow Bob. [Daily Mail]
• Lindsay Lohan's former roommate and Tila Tequila's ex-girlfriend Courtenay Semel has checked into rehab. [Page Six]
• Someone blogging as Leighton Meester but decidedly not Leighton Meester likes poetry, goes to a shrink and complains about the paparazzi. [NY Observer]
• Nicole Richie channels Lady Gaga in her pix for BlackBook. [Just Jared]
• Cindy Crawford is naked in the April issue of Allure, with some strategically placed soap bubbles. [The Superficial]
• Jessica "Slimpson"'s body "has now fully returned to its former glory" so you can all relax. [The Sun]
• Geri Halliwell is on a "man-ban." [The Star]
• Another day, another story about Hugh Grant making out with two women at the same time. In public. [Page Six]
• Kim Kardashian couldn't pronounce "philanthropic" at a charity event, and people laughed at her. Tragic! [Gatecrasher]
• Is Fergie heading to Washington to play a private concert for Sasha and Malia Obama? Is this why she is brunette now? Will she teach them to spell duchess with a T? [Gatecrasher]
• Coldplay's Chris Martin met kiddie band The Wiggles, got super psyched and them covered their song, "Fruit Salad." So punk rock. [The Sun]
• Chris Martin can't get Michael Jackson tickets! [Mirror]
• Maybe Chris Martin should bid on this Michael Jackson stuff up for auction? A Swarovski crystal-encrusted white glove could go for a mere $15,000. [NY Daily News]
• Speaking of Michael Jackson, he's invited the stars of Harry Potter to be All-Access guests opening night of his sold-out UK shows. Naturally. [The Sun]
• Anne Hathaway will play Judy Garland in an upcoming film and theater productions of Get Happy: The Life Of Judy Garland. Question is: Will she sing or lip sync? [E!]
• People. For the last time. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are not a couple in real life. Quit asking. Sheesh. [E!]
• But hey! Meet the New Moon wolf pack! Cute teenage Native American actors! [Socialite Life]
• Amanda Seyfried has pulled out of Zack Snyder's film Sucker Punch — described as Alice in Wonderland with machine guns — due to scheduling conflicts. Who should play Baby Doll, the girl in a mental institution in this big-budget action flick? [ONTD via Slashfilm via EW]
• "Syfy" is not a new kind of hip hop from the West coast but what the Sci-Fi Channel is calling itself now. It's also Polish slang for syphilis, so people aren't kidding when they say, "Sick name." [Jossip]
• Denise Richards went to see Charlie Sheen's new twins: "They're amazing." Isn't it nice when everyone gets along? [ET]
• Ooh, recession humor: Amanda Bynes has just signed to an ABC pilot called Canned, a show about a group of friends who are all fired on the same day. [ET]
• Kiefer Sutherland has signed on to play Jack Bauer for an eight season of 24. [Mirror]
• Anna Faris is on the new cover of Self magazine; cover also shills "1 minute abs." Huh? [Just Jared]
• Chelsea Handler's last night show has been extended through 2012. Bring back Russell Brand! [Reuters]
• Oh no: Problems with NBC's Parks & Recreation? Test audiences found it "unoriginal" and "too slow." [Deadline Hollywood]
• Kenny Rogers music helps stroke victims. [Wired]
• This article about Angela Lansbury contains the following sentence: "Ms. Lansbury, who describes herself as a homebody and a working actress, is described by pretty much everyone else as a 'living legend,' a phrase that makes her want to vomit 'a little,' she conceded." [WSJ]
• Blind item! "Which TV heartthrob had to wait until a young starlet's mom walked away before he could hit on her at a party?" [Gatecrasher]
• "This movie was never meant to be the end of Hannah Montana. The thing is, a lot of people put where the show's future lays in my hands — and it's not up to me. It's up to Disney and whether they want more episodes, and we hope that they do." — Miley Cyrus. [Yahoo via Billboard]
• "I had avoided getting married pretty good for, like, 23 years, and I ... secretly felt that men who were married admired me, like I was the last of the real gunslingers." — David Letterman. [People]

"The way you're looking at me makes me want to cover up my vagina." Naturally, Russell has a comeback for that. Clip at left.

Earlier: Russell Brand & The Homoerotic Hillbilly Incident
Russell Brand On Letterman: Hirsute & Hilarious But Not Homosexual
Man's Search For Meaning

• Why do Kate Winslet and husband Sam Mendes usually fly on separate planes?

Back in 2001, Sam Mendes was booked on American Airlines flight 77 from Washington to L.A., the one hijacked and crashed into the Pentagon. His plans changed, so he never got on the plane, but Kate Winslet also had a terrorist air-scare in 2001. Now Sam and Kate prefer to fly separately, fearing that if they don't, they will leave their children orphans. [Daily Mail]

• By the by, Kate Winslet says: "There's always going to be a part of me that worries about not looking as slim as other actresses." [Daily Mail]
• Heath Ledger won a SAG award last night. [NY Daily News]
• So you know how Lily Allen just broke up with that 45-year-old dude? Right after, she said: "I think, 'This is someone I’d like to spend the rest of my life with.' But I cannot face having bad sex." [Mirror]
• Here's more on the Prince Harry/Chelsy Davy breakup: This paper calls her a "flighty blonde," but a source says: "Chelsy's heart is with her family and Africa. She comes from a relaxed family with different values and a completely different lifestyle from the royals. This is what Harry loves about her. The irony is that ultimately this is why they can never be together for ever. She has often told her friends she will never marry him not only because she doesn't, ultimately, want to live in England but also because she doesn't want the attention that comes with dating a royal. She wants a normal life." [Daily Mail]
• Meanwhile: Princess Eugenie and some friends got drunk at a pole dancing club and the Princess asked if she could try the pole. (She was denied.) [Daily Mail]
• Oh and by the by, Prince William bought Kate Middleton some deer shooting paraphernalia, including a Swarovski stalking scope. She's looking forward to "bagging her first set of Royal antlers." [Daily Mail]
• Rumor has it Hugh Jackman will do a big opening musical number at the Oscars! [Fox 411]
• Whoa: Will Brad Pitt play Steve McQueen? (Brad says: "Nope.") [Extra]
• Does Anderson Cooper fly in the front while his "friend," an "attractive Hispanic man," flies in the back of the plane? [Page Six]
• Drew Barrymore was promoting her romcom, He's Just Not That Into You, when she said she'd love to bring an old butt-kicking franchise back to life: "I’m so into it—Charlie's Angels III!" [E!]
• Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil might try to use a love letter Amy wrote to him to get her money in divorce proceedings. In the letter, Amy said she'd write albums especially for Blake Incarcerated; he's expected to argue that it means he's entitled to half of her estimated $15 million earnings. [People, Daiy Mail]
• Are Kirsten Dunst and Josh Hartnett back on? [Extra]
• In this Q&A, Matthew Fox talks about why you never see him lending his name to any causes: "I'm an actor. I try to play a character in a really cool story, the very best I can. And somehow or other that does make people very interested in what I have to say. And I think that, being the stubborn bastard I am… the more people want to hear what it is I have to say, the more I kind of… not say anything." [Men.Style.Com via Details]
• Paramedics were called to the home of Amy Poehler and Will Arnett this weekend, maybe because Amy's mom had a health scare? [TMZ]
• Warning: Russell Brand is thinking about giving up sex. [The Sun]
• A reporter tells Rumer Willis she looks a little like her dad. "She shrieks and grimaces, covering the lower part of her face with her hands: 'I hate my jaw!' she says. [Daily Mail]
• What is going on in the Bahamas? Pleasant Bridgewater, a senior in Parliament, has just resigned. Obie Wilchcombe, a former "close friend" of John Travolta and family — and member of Bahamaian Parliament — was taken into custody regarding an extortion plot. Wilchcombe has been released, but a third person, and EMT who tried to revive Jett Travolta, is sill in custody. [TMZ, TMZ, TMZ, Us]
• Wilchcombe says he had nothing to do with the extortion plot. [TMZ]
• Mickey Rourke hasn't seen The Wrestler — and won't, for a while: "I don't watch anything until three, four, five years go by. I see myself every day in the mirror when I'm shaving. I don't get anything from it." [Extra]
• Samantha Morton says she'll boycott the BBC if the corporation won't broadcast an emergency appeal for help in Gaza. Morton took part in a fundraiser for the British Aid Agency Medical Aid for Palestinians. [The Star]
• Paul McCartney might wed his girlfriend, Nancy Shevell. One might think he'd had enough of marriage… [NY Daily News]
• Countess LuAnn de Lesseps has a book coming out: Class With the Countess: How to Live with Elegance and Flair. Will tips on crotch-grabbing and landing a reality show be included? [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which nymphette actress had a really, really swell time in rehab, and has been telling pals that she 'got laid there' all the time?" [Gatecrasher]
• A prop manager from Lipstick Jungle stole $30,000 worth of designer clothes and accessories, but got caught when a limited-edition bag was seen on eBay. [Gatecrasher via Perez]
• Sayonara! Janet Jackson has postponed her tour in Japan due to the global financial crisis. [Internation Herald Tribune]
• Chris Martin gave a lovely lady, Brit singer Alesha Dixon, a ride home. In his private jet. [Daily Mail]
• Wall Street woes mean celeb houses in the Hamptons are going for slashed prices. [NY Post]
• The Jolie-Pitt mansion in Malibu will be up for sale soon, by the way. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Cool interview with Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss. She says of the show: "Everyone who saw it was like, 'They're SMOKING! They're SMOKING!' No one noticed they were cheating on their wives." [Guardian]
• Psst: Elisabeth Moss and Fred Armisen are planning a hush-hush wedding. [People]
• Patrick Dempsey competed in a car race which raises money for breast cancer, and has also opened the Dempsey Center for Cancer Hope and Healing in Maine. [UPI]
• In a Q&A with Lauren Graham, she talks about doing Guys & Dolls on Broadway; a Gilmore Girls movie (not gonna happen) and a new comedy she'll star in, in which she plays "a self-help guru who is truly a mess." [EW]
• Anne Hathaway Googles herself. [Showbiz Spy]
• David and Victoria Beckham have hired two people to clean their mansion in the country, and the couple are named David and Victoria. [Showbiz Spy]
• Hmm, AC Milan is hoping David Beckham will stay with the team. Ciao, Hollywood? [Independent]
• Natascha McElhone made her first official public appearance since the death of her husband last year, and was carrying her newborn son, Rex. [Daily Mail]
• Tommy Lee was seen hanging out with model Victoria Silvstedt — and she had bandages on her knees. What does it mean? [Daily Mail]
• Seth MacFarlane says Family Guy won't strike back at South Park, and that the Family Guy scripts are written by sperm whales. [TMZ]
• Three's a crowd? Cockblocker George Michael went out with Geri Halliwell and her new Italian boyfriend. [Daily Mail]
• Elle Macpherson is dating a multi-millionaire British businessman named Damian Aspinall. [News.com.au]
• Holy femmebot! Kylie Minogue is mega-Photoshopped in her new ads for jewelry company Tous. [Daily Mail]
• Oh dear: Zsa Zsa Gabor lost at least $7 million by investing with Bernard Madoff, the man who's been making the incredibly wealthy merely rich. [UPI, MSNBC]
• Boy George has been moved to a "softer" prison. Is it made of toilet tissue? [Mirror]
• Ladies and gentlemen, an Iron Maiden hotel. [UPI]
• TV chef Jamie Oliver was asked to rate his looks on a scale from 1-10. He says: "About six and a half. It’s not really about the face, though. I think it’s more about what’s in my trousers, to be honest – apart from cooking, that’s the thing I’ve got going for me and a lot of women say it’s enough." [Mirror]
• "Patsy is a figure of nostalgia, doing everything we daren’t do because of our obligations to our families and society. I have turned into a school prefect now but, much as i love my life, i sometimes think i’d like to skip classes and smoke cigarettes in the duck-house again. I could have been Patsy if i hadn’t turned out to be me." — Absolutely Fabulous' Joanna Lumley. [Daily Express]
• "When you're younger, you're always working for something, and now you realize, this is really it. You'd better be enjoying this, because this is pretty good." — Julianne Moore, who is on the cover of Redbook. [People]
• "I can’t stand Angelina and all her babies. Maddox probably thought he hit the jackpot, but then Angelina proceeded to take him to every other Third World country on the planet. He’s probably like. 'Bitch, when the (bleep) are we getting to Malibu?'" — Chelsea Handler. [Gatecrasher]
• "I swear that my waist is now skinnier than before I was pregnant — how do they do that? Certainly it’s nothing to do with me working out. Jerry Bruckheimer [Shopaholic’s mega-successful producer] hired a personal trainer to help me get rid of the 60lb I put on during pregnancy. He said I was lucky I was blessed with good genes because I had a really bad attitude towards exercise — like stopping when it hurt or got boring and having a cup of tea and a slice of cake. Apparently you are not supposed to do that in Hollywood." — Isla Fisher. [Times of London]
• "I think there's something to be said for looking more natural on film. A perfect physique is unattainable for most women who can't hire personal trainers or who don't have the time or inclination to spend two hours a day working out." — Kate Winslet. [Daily Mail]
• "My grandparents didn't take any pills, and they were fine. Just buck up and get over it. Stop being such a fucking pansy." — Bijou Phillips, Scientologist. [Us via Paper Magazine]

Maybe I'm making too much of this, but it bugs that a successful, pithy woman with a hilarious New York Times best seller would make such an easy, dumb joke when she could do a lot better. It reminded me of something Margaret Cho once said in a blog post.

She did an interview in which she jokingly called herself chubby, and later, Margaret wrote about why she regretted that:

I want to apologize to myself for saying it, because that is just wrong. I am not chubby – and to call myself that is to endanger the lives of millions of young girls who look to the media to define who they are, who are constantly checking themselves for fear of wrecking themselves, who are afraid to be thought of as 'chubby,' who don’t realize that they are perfect as they are, and it is irresponsible. I fear they will read this article and look at my body and be scared because it is like theirs, and they will then think of themselves as 'chubby'and learn to hate themselves more…. I take it back, as I must take back all the millions of insults that I hurl at myself without knowing it. I would never, ever say any of the horrible things I say to myself about myself to anyone else, not even someone I hated, because there is no one I could possibly hate that much. We must stop fighting the war against ourselves before we can truly start to love ourselves.

Women are constantly publicly denigrating themselves in a way that I think most successful dudes would never do. Chelsea Handler doesn't necessarily owe it to anyone to be a role model, but she owes it to herself not to continue with that negative bullshit.

Funny Girl [W]
Talk Show Host Becomes Best-Selling Author [Washington Post]

Chicks With Schticks [Vanity Fair]
Who Says Women Aren't Funny? [Vanity Fair]