• The officially-designated GOP scapegoat for Wardrobe-gate appears to be McCain aide Nicolle Wallace (left), despite the fact that I guarantee she knows how to put together a wardrobe for less than $150,000. Wallace isn't "going to engage" with people until after the campaign, but she knows the score and her memory doesn't even have to be that long. [Think Progress, Politico]
• Speaking of the score, Vanity Fair and the National Security News Service are apparently pursuing reports that McCain killed a guy in a car accident (implication: drunk driving) in 1964 and the Navy is still covering it up. Who knew the October surprise would be about McCain? Karl Rove must really hate him. [Huffington Post]
• Joe The Motherfucking Plumber officially endorsed McCain today, and said that Obama would be the end of Israel. What the fuck does JTMP know about Israel? Joe doesn't know jack, actually, and even Fox News had to admit that. [CBS, Huffington Post]

• Though Palin yesterday refused to be a Maverick and call on convicted felon Senator Ted Stevens to resign, John McCain decided he could. So he did. [NY Times]
• Rachel Maddow's viewership is so far up, she can claim to have beat Larry King in one demo. One demo today, tomorrow...all of them. [TV Newser]
• The Dow, too, finally decided to get up. That'll last until it falls again, then goes up, down, up, down and apparently I need to stop watching so much porn. [Washington Post]
• Florida Governor Charlie Crist decided to get back at McCain for not choosing him as the running mate — or, possibly, do the right thing for the right reasons, stranger things have happened — and extended early voting hours in Florida. Someone's gonna get re-elected. [Politico]

• Hillary's push to seat Michigan and Florida despite Harold Ickes' vote to sanction the two states for holding their primaries early: breathtaking cynicism or heroic self-sacrifice? [TPM]
• McCain rejected the endorsement of that pastor who called the Catholic Church "the great whore." I'm not getting something here. I mean, sure, everyone knows by now that "whore" is a slur suggestive of misogyny, but the "Great Sex Worker" just lacks a certain ring, you know? [CNN]
• Anyway devout Catholic Bobby Jindal isn't letting the whole mess keep him away from McCain's running mate race! He's hanging out this weekend at the ranch with Charlie Crist (yikes! too much skin cancer for one presidential ticket!) and Mitt Romney. It's so Apprentice of them! And like, Bobby could tell the story of that time he witnessed an exorcism in the confessional…[AP]
• Abstinence education: Ted Kennedy's brain tumor was probably caused by herpes. [Radar]

• 62% of Americans think the government should tax the wealthy more and 78% of them think the income gap is too wide. By my estimate that's pretty much anyone with a household income less than $78,000. Fascinatingly, countries that already tax the rich a whole lot like Japan and Germany are more favorable to the whole notion while countries with less-developed social services like China and Italy are more skeptical. If you are familiar with common ethnic stereotypes and/or the work of my old professor Francis Fukuyama this will make total sense. [WSJ]

All the local Florida papers and Web sites are clogged with ads telling people to visit Meetjoefrancis.com, where they are directed to write a letter to Florida governor Charlie Crist, who has been so bombarded that he called Francis's lawyer and said he'd look into the case.

Dear Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Florida Attorney General Bill McCollum & the Florida Department of Law Enforcement (FDLE):

As a citizen who cares deeply about due process and justice in our country, I am very concerned about the set of circumstances surrounding Joe Francis' criminal charges and incarceration without bail. At the very least there is the appearance of wide spread [sic] misconduct by public officials, including possible illegal acts enacted by officials such as State Attorney Steve Meadows in an effort to put Mr. Francis in jail and deprive him of his rights.

My concern in this matter is neither an approval nor disapproval of Girls Gone Wild as a lifestyle brand, but rather a concern that Florida public officials are using their own personal beliefs in order to selectively prosecute someone whom they disagree with.

For this reason I urge you to call upon the Florida Department of Law Enforcement to conduct an impartial investigation of the events surrounding the charges that have been brought against Joe Francis - both criminal and civil, beginning in 2003 and continuing into the present - and the forced civil settlement so that the public officials in Bay County will either be exonerated from any taint of impropriety, or be held accountable for any misdeeds.

Francis says jail is totally different from what he'd expected from movies. He's seen only one fight and hasn't heard of any sexual assaults. "Nothing will ever happen to me in jail. I'm a god. I'm the cool Girls Gone Wild guy. I'm revered. I'm a rock star," he says. Still, he avoids the other inmates, often going a week without talking to one. "The one thing I fear is one of these fucking people showing up at my house. I'm a different class. They're dumb. They're the people you see on Cops. Those are the people you see in jail."

The Prisoner In Cell Block DD [GQ]

MEGAN: Ok, can we start with a moment of silent reflection over the most important news of the last 2 days?
  And, by that, I mean the news that Patrick Swayze has cancer.
MOE: Ugh, PANCREATIC cancer. I've never heard of that happening to any celebrity before. Pancreatic cancer is a death sentence. I don't know much about the pancreas but the cancer seems crazily effective at destroying it instantly.
MEGAN: And then, presumably, metastasizing wildly. I know he's doing well, yadda yadda yadda, but I have a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach and not just because someone threw a bomb in Times Square this morning.

MOE: Ack! An IED. Oh for Chrissakes. Funny in the article they call it an "improved explosive device" but I don't think that's right! So they threw the thing in front of the Armed Forces Career Center...a puzzling target if there ever was one. I suppose I should turn on the TV and keep up to the minute on this one. Don't they have like nine thousand security cameras up in that shit? Glad I don't have to sit and pore over all that footage.
MEGAN: There's about to be a press conference! And everyone seems to think it's some sort of liberal protest! It's like our own small-scale, military-recruiting-focused Timothy McVeigh. Way to go, war-protesting, hippie bike-riding dude! Now we're like them!
MOE: Do you think it's an "ecoterrorist"?
MEGAN: Oh, God, right, ELF's back, I forgot about that shit.
 MOE: They also got the Mexican Consulate and the British Consulate ...so...they don't like margaritas, and they don't like Chris Hitchens?
Or maybe it's that guy from American Idol.
MEGAN: I do have to say, though, Hitchens' much-trumpeted veneers are really spectacular in person. The rest of him, not so much. 
MOE: So anyway, NAFTA. I guess if the Prime Minister really wanted to find the source of that nasty leak that sunk Barack Obama he should have asked his own top aide!
MEGAN: Aw, the dude has that weird baldness tuft that should immediately be buzzed the hell down. And, um, is he a Clinton fan? Or just likes screwing with stuff?
  Also, how excited must the Canadians be that we're actually sort of, you know, influenced by them?
The left wants to call in the Mounties! I've been to their training academy. They look sort of doofie on TV but are generally kind of cute and not in a bad-boy Marine kind of way.
MOE: Hahaha that guy they just interviewed looks like my bartender
MEGAN: Ooh, the one downstairs? He's nice.
MOE: So people felt it all the way up on the 44th floor, but it didn't really do anything. I guess we should talk about the implications of this...so what are the implications of this? That knowing some amateurs made a bomb that interrupted the sleep of a bunch of tourists in Time Square who don't have to be at work in the morning anyway ...will be the electoral nail in the coffin of Barack (I never wanted to kill my good friend Saddam) Hussein Obama?
MEGAN: I would think that this sort of crap would piss off the independent voters that either Hillary or Barack need in order to win. It would be like if some crazy right wing guy shot up a gay rights march or something — reasonable people quite reasonably shy away from that kind of shit and the people/candidates/causes it's meant to support or bring attention to.
MOE: Yeah, ugh, whatever, okay; oh god, Charlie Crist, I am getting melanoma just looking at you.
MEGAN: Yeah, he spends a little too much time getting fake baked and then wonders why everyone seems to think he's gay.
MOE: So wait a second, the Republican governor of Florida is coming out in support of counting the delegates Hillary won in the primary in the state where Obama wasn't allowed to campaign? What? Seriously guys, anyone who doesn't think the Republicans are DYING for Hillary to get the nom...does not know enough Republicans. And hey, I can't fault you guys for that. Speaking of, commenter from Pennsylvania who got all snippy at me yesterday for saying they're all racists, 1. I am registered to vote in Pennsylvania so I have the right to say these things and 2. I was referencing the great Ed Rendell himself. Who is also very tanorexic these days. Though definitely not anorexic. Is it a sign of progress that our white politicians are now darker-skinned than our black politicians? Maybe that's why Hillary photoshopped Obama, so he wouldn't look too pale.
MEGAN: Oh, Ed. Here's hoping that shitty comment about your constituents being racist follows you into your own primary race a couple of years from now. If there's anything I can do to help with that, someone please let me know
MOE: How has that recruitment center been doing anyway? Is there any place we can get their numbers? Or is all that some top secret Pentagon shit? Personally I think it's probably a genius idea to be, like, here you are in the worst neighborhood in New York, how bad can Iraq really be? But you have to weigh that against, "ummmm this is what I'm protecting???" P.S. out of town Jezebels and potential terrorists: New York is not all that bad.
MEGAN: I seriously doubt the Pentagon releases center-by-center recruitment stats, but I'll bet the NYC one is more for PR and show than actual recruitment. It's got pretty prominent placement, weirdly, and I feel like it's maybe a historic site or something.
IT was historic, and then they rebuilt it. In 1998, it was the busiest recruiting center in the country, but I'm gonna guess sales have dropped off a bit in 2008.

MOE: Okay so that press conference seemed unremarkable. Oh look, and not another building in New Jersey is collapsing. What an attractive building! Ah, Newark. Can you think of a state with more charming little cities? Elizabeth, Newark, Paterson, Trenton, Camden, ATLANTIC CITY... I love Jersey. I don't know where I was going with that.
MEGAN: I'm meh on Jersey. It's my version of a flyover state.
 
MOE: Ach, you know, scratch that. Look why the nation doesn't need to be worried about more harmless homegrown terror attacks carried out by lone actors on bicycles? Because the nation's intelligence agencies finally got their shit together to start really spying on us MEGAN: Oh, yay! That probably explains why my computer has been so damn slow today. Hello government moles! Enjoy my utter lack of porn or organization and my many, many Desktop icons.

Welcome to Midweek Madness, our weekly binge on the sort of celebrity content we usually try so fastidiously to avoid every other day of the week. In which we "read" the Wednesday tabs. So you don't "have" to.

Us Weekly ("100% Paris Free!")
•Cover story: "Hollywood Baby Album!" Us clearly put a Herculean effort into coming up with Paris substitutes this week, starting with this eleven-page spread on Hollywood babies — the very definition of "filler topic"! A semi-creepy "My Life So Far!" sidebar on baby Suri (page 45) is written in Suri's imagined first-person voice.
•Although week's "hot story" for all of the magazines was Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake's romantic Scandinavian getaway (pages 30-31). Us isn't as dick-sucky towards Timberlake as the rest of the tabs — early to the backlash, wethinks? — noting that he "turns women into Debbie Downers" and that he threw a tantrum in Sweden when some fans asked him to pose for pictures with them.
•Us also sports a preview of an upcoming interview with Nicole Richie in Nylon (page 56), which is a more refined twist on the "exclusive about an exclusive" feature. Nylon — unlike Atlanta Peach and Genre two magazines whose "exclusives" are reported "exclusively" this week by Page Six — is a magazine we have actually heard of.
•More filler! "Us Investigates" probes deep into the minds of 100 women at Rockefeller Center as to whether they would "rather date Prince Harry or Prince William" (66% said William!); "Have Michael Lohan or Joe Simpson as your dad?" (78% said Simpson, because making inappropriate comments about his daughter's tits is a lot classier than securities fraud!); and "Share custody with David Hasselhoff or K-Fed?" (63% said K-Fed). (Pages 58-61.)
•In more substantive content (not!) Us brings in the big guns of Hulk Hogan to declare "winners" in celebrity feuds (pages 62-63). [SPOILER ALERT: Tom Cruise beats Germany, Samantha Ronson beats Candy Spelling and Elizabeth Hasselbeck beats Rosie on grounds of "Rosie isn't a true friend."] A "bonus section" features LeAnn Rimes' "Hot-Weather Hairstyles" (pages 64-65), which, in our opinion, beats Paris news any fucking day of the week!

Star
•Cover Story: "Hollywood Baby Secrets!" (pages 48-55). More baby filler stories, which include the following huge secrets: Britney might not be the most mature mom (page 50) and Angelina lets Shiloh suck on a diamond-encrusted pacifier (page 52), because nothing says "I Am Africa" like a pacifier mined by child slaves!
•Meanwhile, on page 47, Star reports on more details of Timberlake's tantrum in Sweden, which involved the tossing of water bottles ping-pong balls and spitting on fans who had gathered below his hotel room. Jessica Biel reportedly "watched in horror" but she's still gonna stick with the asshole because this is pretty much the only thing her career is riding on right now.
•In its strangest story Star reports on an AIDS-related, health-coverage scandal in Florida we'd never heard about (page 38). It is, according to an "insider" at the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, "the kind of stuff that has Hollywood up in arms." Too bad it, uh, doesn't! The story quotes nary a celebrity, celebrity representative, celebrity flak or Hollywood "insider" professing "outrage" over the scandal, which basically amounts to Florida Governor Charlie Crist awarding a health care contract to a for-profit health care firm.

In Touch
•Cover Story: "World Exclusive! Inside Tom and Kate's Marriage!" (pages 36-39). Could Kate [That's better -Ed.] and Tom actually be living normal and happy lives together? Could Suri's cuteness factor be the reason that the celeb weeklies have decided to flip their opinion on the couple? Or did the editors at In Touch decide to suck it up already and try Scientology? Also, what's up with Katie's [Here we go again. -Ed.] new haircut? It's pretty, right? But isn't it weird when ladies get their hair cut suddenly after having babies?
•Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie's rivalry is back because they're both promoting products at the same time! This could only mean that they are still at each other's throats about Brad Pitt! (Pages 40-43.)
•Shar Jackson gives In Touch an exclusive denying her pregnancy rumors (pages 26-27). Can someone explain to us how this can be "exclusive" when Shar already filed a lawsuit against Star denying the selfsame pregnancy, and lawsuits are public documents, so it's like "exclusively" between her and ALL OF AMERICA? Must be that video of Shar "taking the test" at intouchweekly.com! Wow. It's really hard to make Britney Spears seem classy, but Shar really excels at it.
•Speaking of classy, In Touch documents stars' boobs from smallest to largest (pages 72-73) by guesstimating their sizes with the aid of some dude from The Swan and a random gynecologist. Bonus! Includes the famously creepy quote from Joe Simpson on his daughter's massive sweater puppies!

Life & Style
•Cover Story: "Angie vs. Brad's Family: It's War!" (Pages 28-31). Uh, in case you glossed over the news reported for the past three weeks in the celeb weeklies, Life & Style is here to spell it out for you: Brad Pitt's mom likes his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston! A lot! They hung out recently! At Jen's house! We'd feel like we'd read this same Angie-is-jealous-of-Jen story fifteen times now save for the new sidebar of, "Meanwhile, Jen's Dating" (page 31).
•Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were photographed nekkid in a hot tub in Mexico, where they went to escape all the media attention from those Lindsay knifeplay photos. (page 24-27). (Question: Why is "knife play" a phrase that just sort of rolls off our keyboards now? Is this even a real thing?) So we guess this means Nick forgave her, right? We can just sort of see him saying, all cheesy-like and whispery: "Next time some sexy photos of you wind up on the internets, baby, it's going to be pulling MY clothes off, got it?" Ugh. Puke.
•Ashlee Simpson spent a reported eight-hours at a salon (pages 52-53), which is controversial because she shouldn't neglect her very promising career in... whatever the hell it is she does!
•Lastly, it looks like the ombudsman over Life & Style is still upholding the validity of Spencer Pratt as a news subject. Who knows, you know: People made fun of the Washington Post for pursuing that two-bit burglary for so long; maybe The Hills is their Watergate! At any rate, Spencer's silicone-stuffed girlfriend Heidi Montag pops up on page 64 (get it? "pops up"?), while Spencer-nemesis and Teen Vogue cover-girl Lauren Conrad is dissed as a "Style Slipup" (page 81) by the likes of Road Rules "star" Theo Von. Ouch!