Cap'n Crunch Is Staring at Your Child, Willing Him to Demand Cereal

Kids love shitty sugary cereals with strange, deranged mascots. But why? Lucky Charms taste freeze-dried, for God's sake. Well, it turns out those brightly colored boxes are perfectly designed so terrifying cartoons can stare straight into children's eyes, mesmerizing them into demanding Count Chocula. » 4/04/14 12:40pm 4/04/14 12:40pm

Buzz Off, Special K, We Don't Need Your Lecture on Fat Talk

Ladies! Special K (the cereal brand, not the drug) has a very special message for all of you. It's come to their attention that 93 percent of women are engaging in "fat talk." And that's bad. It's so bad, in fact, that Special K has launched an entire ad campaign, complete with Tyra Banks as spokesperson, devoted to… » 12/11/13 12:30pm 12/11/13 12:30pm

Good Morning! Enjoy a Carton of Cereal-Flavored Milk

Cereal is awesome, isn't it? Well, except for all that chewing and sogginess, cereal is pretty awesome, but, jeez, doesn't your jaw get tired from masticating all those corn shavings and marshmallow bits? It'd be way better if you could just get that cloying cereal taste without all the effort, if cereal just slid… » 4/16/13 10:25am 4/16/13 10:25am

Ever Notice That There Aren’t Any Female Breakfast Cereal Mascots?

This sunny, almost-warm Sunday morning, CBS put together a cheerful little slideshow featuring the most eccentric and, dare we say, demented breakfast cereal mascots. The slideshow featured retro iterations of Tony the Tiger, the homoerotic trio of rice-puffing elves, Snap, Crackle and Pop, Franken Berry, the Quaker… » 4/07/13 6:00pm 4/07/13 6:00pm

Enjoy Your Frosted Mini-Wheats, Now with More Metal Bits!

Kellogg, that cursive-adoring purveyor of fine, sugary breakfast cereals, is recalling one of its most asymmetrical cereals — Frosted Mini-Wheats. According to the Wall Street Journal, the company will shell out a cool $30 million to cover a recall of Frosted Mini-Wheats in the U.S. due to a possible contamination by… » 10/12/12 9:30am 10/12/12 9:30am

How Many Breakfasts Can One Person Be Expected to Eat?

Remember back in the good old days when breakfast was a proper meal eaten around a kitchen table adorned with a pitcher brimming with OJ and a vase full of fresh flowers? Sausage links glistened under the rays of sunlight that streamed in, and butter was smeared all over pancakes without fear of clogging one's… » 2/29/12 11:00am 2/29/12 11:00am

Baby Formula: The Next Frontier in Arsenic's Battle to Exterminate Us

We already knew that rice was trying to kill us with its deadly arsenic, but now the situation is looking even more dire. A new study done at Dartmouth has found that organic brown rice syrup—a sweetener which you may recognize from any number of organic snacks—is also a source of arsenic. This isn't that surprising,… » 2/16/12 11:55pm 2/16/12 11:55pm

General Mills Dares to Release Peanut Butter Cheerios

The folks at General Mills thought consumers would be excited that Cheerios now comes in peanut butter flavor, but parents of children with allergies are very upset about the new cereal. Though the box clearly indicates what's inside, they're concerned because Multi Grain Cheerios Peanut Butter look like other… » 1/10/12 11:59pm 1/10/12 11:59pm