One of the things I love about Judge Judy Sheindlin is that she exudes the same sort of pro-woman mindset as my mother, which ultimately informed my own feminism. I doubt either woman would identify as a "feminist", but I think that might be because they're actually female supremacists; that women are simply the "better" sex.

When Shatner grilled Sheindlin on her lack of empathy for criminals, she explained that although she understands that there are reasons for people committing crimes, there's never an excuse when victims involved. "If I wouldn't live next to them myself, if I wouldn't let them compromise the safety of my children and grandchildren, who am I, as a judge, to say to some stranger, 'I'll put you back on the street, because I don't live where you live. Your neighborhood has to deal with it.'"

Us
"How I Got My Body Back!" Christina Aguilera's boobs are huge. She is an E cup. She quit eating white bread and Skittles. She works out 5 days a week. Moving on: Holly Madison was unsuccessful in her attempt to get pregnant by Hugh Hefner, so she is looking for a Hef-esque sperm donor who is creative, hot, and has dark hair. Any takers? At Ashlee Simpson's wedding to Pete Wentz, the couple's first dance music was "First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes.
Grade: F- (mouse droppings)


OK!
"Four Weeks To Go!" Here's news you can use: Angelina is going to have a C-section delivery of her twins. The mag says one out of about 100 C-section scars will "come apart during the birthing process." Vom. The French press has jokingly started referring to Angie as "Wonder Woman" because they can't understand how the knocked up mom has the energy to go on boat rides, helicopter trips and premieres in Cannes. Also inside: As mentioned in Dirt Bag this morning, a former Starbucks barista claims to have put whole milk in all of Mary-Kate's "skinny" lattes without telling her. Lastly: Ten pages of "The 50 Hottest (And Shirtless!) Guys on the Planet." Matt Lauer, Prince Harry and Will Smith are honored. David Beckham wins the No. 1 spot.
Grade: F+ (moth larvae)


Life & Style
"Angelina's $20 Million Twins!" We heard this news already, but here it is again: Between the security and medical costs, mansion rental fees, and helicopters, Angelina and Brad are spending about $20 million in preparation for her birth. But they might get $10 million for selling pix of the twins. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston has "met" John Mayer's "family" — she had dinner with John, his brother Ben and Ben's girlfriend. Next: A guest says Ashlee and Pete's wedding "looked like the set of a Tim Burton movie;" they had leafless black trees for decoration. Ashlee walked down the aisle to The Beatles' "Blackbird." Next: Instead of her family, Katie Holmes is planning a "career comeback" by starring in All My Sons on Broadway. Tom is fine with it. Mariah Carey tells the mag that she and Nick Cannon are "interested in having kids. It's in the cards." Can't wait! Britney "ran away from her problems" to the country of Costa Rica. Mel Gibson had her to his house there; they used to be neighbors in Malibu. Brit spent her four-day vacay smoking, sipping bottled water and Coca-Cola. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn Spears is endangering her fetus. Again. "It's very dangerous for a woman in her third trimester to be riding an ATV," says a doctor who does not treat her. Nicole Richie says baby Harlow has saved her life. She's gone from super thin to curvy mom; from DUI charged to driving school, from clubbing to strolling. Lastly: Don't worry about Liv Tyler and her troubled marriage: "I'm a tough cookie," she says.
Grade: F++ (period panties)


In Touch
"Wedding Drama" The story is called "Jessica's Wedding Pain" and details how she and Tony Romo held hands and talked but things seem strained. But after downing some champagne, Jess dragged Tony onto the dancefloor. There's a list of all the ways Jessica ruined her relationship with Tony: She called too much, she was a groupie, she was too open, they spent too much time together, she was a showoff, she wasn't busy. Next: Angelina plans to have three more kids after the twins. Friends think she is addicted to motherhood. One doctor thought that she weighed 20 lbs. less than she should for a woman carrying twins. Also inside: Britney's been getting advice from Mel Gibson on business and encouraging her to reconnect with her faith. Jamie-Lynn's top baby name choice is Emma Jean. Colin Farrell is "scary skinny." (Fig. 1) Is Nick Mariah's new assistant? He walked her to the ladies room and waited outside the door at a restaurant recently. (Intern Sharon says, "He's her bitch.")
Grade: D (a penny)


Star
"55 Best And Worst Beach Bodies" We've said it before but we'll say it again: We fucking hate the fact that this magazine puts women's bodies under the microscope. No talk about talent or ideas! Just cellulite. Which is like having poor vision or a receding hairline: It's biological, it develops, you can't do a damn thing about it. Plus! As Intern Sharon points out, the "best" bodies often belong to girls like Brooke Hogan and Rumer Willis, who have not yet hit the age of 21. So Star can kiss our dimpled asses. This seemingly-endless 18-page photo-driven story includes men and couples. You can't have a little bulge (Denise Richards) and you can't be too thin (Nicky Hilton). It's like that song from The Wiz: You can't win, and you can't get out of the game. Moving on: Nikki Cox has ruined her face. (Fig 2.) One site says she looks like the Sea Monkey mom. Gisele Bundchen says, "I'm a workaholic, so I get up at 8 am and I go to bed late. I don't go to clubs, I don't do drugs, sometimes I feel like a nun or something." Aww, poor thing. Would you ever consider having plastic surgery when you're older? "No way!" Haha. Tell that to her old nose. Or old boobs. Was Eva Mendes in rehab for a movie? She landed a new role as a Spanish drug lord. Beyoncé is making a guest appearance on Desperate Housewives, yawn. Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong: It's on! "He's already bought her a bicycle," says a source. Jessica "ruined" Ashlee's wedding by being pouty and knocking back champagne. Plus, she kind of had to beg Tony to take her, as he'd promised. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have a "wild sex life!" A source says, "He covers her with whipped cream, which he licks off, tickles her with feathers and uses ice cubes to give her goosebumps." (This made Intern Sharon uncomfortable.) Jen may be going on tour with John in Copenhagen in June. Lastly: Angelina doesn't want Brad's mom Jill present at the birth of the twins because she has a big mouth and tries to tell Angie how to raise her kids.
Grade: C-, downgraded to F- for cover story (favorite sweater that ends up being moth-eaten)

Fig 1.

Fig. 2

Earlier: I Went For A Colonic And All I Got Was A Load Of Crap

Thirty minutes later, he felt like he had been stung by 50 bees and his skin turned black, he said. "It looked like I had been hit with a garden hose," Dr. Young said. "I thought, I am going to lose some skin and I am going to have to ask one of my colleagues to do a skin graft."

Another doctor, C. B. Boswell, injected it into his stomach, which became "so enlarged that he looked six months pregnant." His nurse tried it on her thighs, which "became so swollen with liquid that she wore panty hose to keep them from jiggling."

We first heard about lipodissolve in a tabloid (naturally), as an explanation for why Britney's butt was "lumpy" in appearance, and then smooth. (It's not just a rumor, there are pictures of her at the lipdissolve office!) Bottom (heh) line? This stuff appears to do the job some of the time, but not consistently. Dr. Young is doing a pilot study on 10 volunteers. "It would be good if this turns out to work, but if it doesn't work and all these people are wasting their money, we need to say that too," he said. So as images of the Wicked Witch Of the West ("I'm melting!") play in our heads, we ask: would you inject a non-FDA approved drug cocktail into your thighs when doctors say "the shots can cause stinging, swelling, redness and bumps" and "inflammation indicates the medication is working"?

Feel Pudgy? There's a Shot for That [NY Times]

Welcome to Midweek Madness, Jezebel's weekly roundup of the celebridiocracy as seen through the gimlet eyes of Bonnie Fuller, Janice Min and whoever the fuck is responsible for Bauer Publications. In which we "read" the Wednesday tabs. So you don't "have" to.

In other news, Angelina is so skinny because she has a guilt complex about the billions and billions and billions of people in the world who don't have enough to eat. What? Didn't that mom whose death was last month's excuse for her anorexia teach her the Clean Plate Club Theory of Starving Children? Or are Maddox and Pax now sitting around fasting in luxury out of guilt for their old countrymen too? Sigh..

Star
*Cottage Cheeks! Taking at cue from the recent NY Mag issue on cancer survivors, Star gives an inspiring spin to an evergreen downer of a magazine topic. You know, summer cellulite! That's right, they found stars who BEAT it! Intriguingly, the star of the package is one Britney Spears, whose feta-ass (hey, we've got one too!) we just glimpsed on Monday after paps snapped a photo of her World's Largest Wedgie in Mexico. But according to Star (page 50), Brit has actually gotten rid of her dimples through LipoDissolve, which makes us wonder if the real story-behind-the-story would not be "How stars got the celeb tabs to stop writing about their tapioca thighs." In sidebars: Mischa Barton and Kimberly Stewart are encouraged to not "give up" their quest to get rid of their "cellulite" (p. 54 and 55). Other tidbits from Star today? *Brad says no more to being "Mr. Mom"! (pages 48-9); Underage drinking EXPOSED (p. 46-7); "Celebs don't play by the same rules as the rest of us" (page 47); Jesse McCartney (?) is a lush and some waitresses are scared to ID celebs because they might get in trouble or fired (page 47); Paris Hilton will get serious bank for all the interviews and book deals after jail. No shit! (page 45)

Life & Style
Baby News! Angelina wants two more kids, so it's a good thing Maddox is nearing baby-sitting age already (page 27); Katie Holmes [According to Tom Cruise it's "Kate" now. -Ed.] also wants another baby and is on a special diet that Tom "helped devise" of egg-white omelettes and fruit and probably the bone marrow of aliens (page 28); Nicole Richie might be preggers because she has a bit of a lump in some unflattering jersey dress and made a recent visit to a "reproductive clinic". However, she could just have that weird bump cause she's malnourished (page 30). Other tidbits: Britney's revealing confessions! L&S needs to bring in some Ph.D to decode Britney's blog posts (page 37); Top Hollywood Dads: Brad is number one! (page 49). Oh! And Spencer Pratt of The Hills gives #1945 in a string of exclusive interviews, reveals he is "pretty obsessed" with Heidi Montag and he thinks she is going to change the music industry. Because, you know, she is so not dependent on affirmation from men for self-actualization! (Page 51).

InTouch
Stars Without Makeup! cover story: All of them look generally good w/o make up except Emily Deschanel (page 37). Also: More on Nicole's bump! She is soooo in love with Hilary Duff's ex-boyfriend (page 42); and remember when she played a pregnant woman on The Simple Life? No? (page 43). Also: One "pal" says that Nicole is too thin to be pregnant. What about we leave that to the BIG GUY, frenemies??? Other tidbits: Lindsay Lohan isn't taking rehab seriously (page 26), Callum Best says "who cares" when asked about her (page 27). And lastly, all about Paris Hilton: She will make a lot of money (page 57), painted some ceramic things at Color Me Mine before she went to prison (page 56), and rounded out her week-long voyage of almost perversely inane shows of spiritual soul-searching at Paula Abdul's House of Sunday Upchuck...also known as church! (Page 56).

Shiloh's Big Birthday Bash! [US Magazine]