According to E! online, "Kidman's local posse loudly dished to us their doubts about the mommy status of the star, insisting to us that Antonia Kidman was Sunday's surrogate all along." Yes, Nicole Kidman didn't show until quite late into her pregnancy, but honestly, this claim is about as bonkers as the one implying that Bristol Palin was the real mother of Trig and that Sarah faked the pregnancy so that Bristol would avoid the shame of unwed motherhood. (Interestingly, Katie Holmes — now married to Nicole's ex, Tom Cruise — was also accused of faking her pregnancy.)

Apparently there is only one acceptable media pregnancy narrative, and that requires a taut and tasteful belly, with arms and legs remaining fit, followed by a month maximum of "post baby body" before a proper public unveiling of a perfectly slim figure and a smiling infant wearing a $200 onesie. Get thin too quickly or outside the approved narrative? You paid a robot to gestate your spawn in a secret underground lair. Or, like Britney, you're a drug downing bullimorexic. For an industry that so aggressively fetishizes pregnancy, you'd think they'd allow women to do it more naturally.

Two Kidmans, A Baby, And The Anatomy Of A Rumor [E! Online]

Earlier:

Skenazy writes:

Who'd ever heard the cute-as-morning-sickness phrase "baby bump" until about 10 years ago? I hadn't, even when my own bump looked like Rachel Ray. Now the bump's right up there with the Birkin bag — an accessory every tabloid feels compelled to comment on. "Is that a baby bump?" "Proudly displaying her baby bump ... " Or sometimes it's just an arrow excitedly pointing, "The bump," — as if they've found Osama.

Skenazy thinks that we, the public, dwell on babies — not just celeb kids but our own — because "they're our hobby, our status, our conversational calling cards, our Second Lives." Well guess what, lady? Some of us do not give a shit. Sure, the Jolie-Pitt kids are cute — the adopted and biological ones — but so are so are puppies and platypi.

But there are no platypi on the cover of Us Weekly because all women are supposed to have BABY FEVER. I hate, HATE the predisposed notion that the lack of a Y chromosome means I must involuntarily drool at the sight of an infant. Cute babies are cute, but some of them look like undone suckling pigs that need to go back in the oven. This is coming from a woman with no pets and no plants, who finds it emotionally draining to be responsible for herself and is not, at this juncture of her life, in the mindset to care for another human, animal or snippet of flora. But the tabloids seem to think we all have BABY FEVER, that no woman is immune, that if you have ovaries then you're gonna want to hear about someone else's. I'm not into babies! Hopefully I would be, if they were mine, but they're not! They belong to rich people I have never met. And the only thing worse than being expected to give a crap about a random kid is giving a crap about a random maybe-possibly pregnant woman! Is it a requirement of femininity to care about celebrity children? Am I destroying the sisterhood if I don't give a fuck about Jen Garner's uterus? Why is it suddenly mandatory to be on "bump watch"? Am I the only one who just doesn't give a shit?

Our Baby Bump Obsession [NY Sun]

Life & Style
"Baby Album." OMG babiezzz. Eight pages of details on celebrity infants and new moms and dads, if you care, which we don't. Included are: Harlow Madden, Sunday Rose Kidman Urban (no pictures), Trista Sutter's son Max, Ali Landry's daughter Estella, Gabrielle Reese's son Brody Jo Hamilton and Melissa Joan Hart's son Braydon. Next: Madonna and A-Rod news: "He's just her type," says a source. "She loves attractive, muscular Latin men." Who doesn't? Allegedly Cynthia Rodriguez found a letter Alex had written to Madonna which read, "You are my true soulmate." Meanwhile, who is watching the kids? Madonna's daughter Lourdes was seen throwing blueberries at people on the sidewalk from her balcony in New York (Fig 1). Next: On her birthday, Lindsay Lohan got a message from Samantha Ronson on her BlackBerry, which she left up all day. It said: "I love you, honey. Happy four month anniversary!" Awww. We knew back in April that it was love!
Grade: C- (hot breeze)
OK!
"Jamie Lynn's Baby Maddie!" JLS says: "Being a mom is the best feeling in the world!" Intern Margaret read the whole eight-page story and says JLS sounds "extremely sane and disappointingly normal." Also, despite previous reports, there was no C-section and Casey was in the delivery room but didn't faint. JLS says if Maddie wants to go into show business, she'll support her daughter 100%. Moving on! Tom and Katie spent July 4th at Tom's ranch in Telluride, CO and were joined by the Beckham brood. Barack Obama told his daughters "yes we can" get a dog after the election. Madonna and Guy's marriage has apparently been over for two years. A source says: "Madonna and Alex are having fun. She has 'sexy friends' in New York, London and Los Angeles — and all over the world." Lastly: Was Nicole Richie kicked out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas because she hit a guy after he slapped her ass at the valet stand?
Grade: C (cool breeze)
Us
"Caught!" Alex Rodriguez supposedly exchanges sexy text messages with Madonna. He told a source: "She's my fucking soulmate, dude!" He's also way into Kabbalah now. His friends say "He's been brainwashed." But! Madonna is already over it. "She only wants someone when it's a challenge," says a source. She ruined Alex's marriage, and she feels she won… So it's on to the next challenge." Also inside: There's an "exclusive" five-page story about Andrew "The Bachelor" Firestone's wedding but we simply do not care. Next: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long split because neither of them wanted to go to the next level, whatever that is. Also Drew thought he was immature. They're still friends, naturally. Have you seen Jennifer Lopez's baby girl (Fig. 2)? Courtney Love is a "trainwreck" with an alternate persona called Cherry Kookoo. The mag has actual train tracks on this page about her. Did you see her riding in the shopping cart? She explains that thusly: "He just threw me in and bam bam bam razzi razzi." (Fig. 3) Ellen and Portia are planning their wedding. Portia says "It's going to be kind of big." Yay! Jennifer Aniston is on a "love tour" as she follows John Mayer on his tour. In just two weeks they have hit seven cities in the US, Canada and Europe.
Grade: C+ (paper fan from Chinatown)
Star
"Mary-Kate Back To Rehab?" MK's been partying a lot and her friends are convinced it's because of her inability to accept Heath's death. (See? It says it right there on the cover: "Haunted by Heath.") She might be anorexic again. [I saw her on 'Letterman' and she looked quite healthy. -Ed.] Moving on: Tom Cruise has packed on 25 lbs. His "chiseled torso" and "muscle-bound shoulders" are MIA. In their place "a chunky, definitely unhunky rear view, complete with flabby delts and love handles flopping over his jeans." Judge for yourself (Fig. 4). Also inside: Jodie Foster has a new girlfriend and they are playing house! Michelle Williams is "trying to move on." A source says behind closed doors "she sobs her heart out" and can barely handle seeing Dark Knight posters. Brody Jenner's family is worried that he's an alcoholic. And they have reason to be worried! "He used to be a fun guy to be around, but now he's just an obnoxious drunk," an insider snarls. While on bed rest, Angelina Jolie has been watching reruns of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. There's a six-page story on Hollywood's Hottest Bromances: Justin Timberlake and Trace Ayala; Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell; Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick.
Grade: B- (electric fan)
In Touch
"The Truth About Their Steamy Affair." Madonna has told a pal that she "loves Alex, but only as a friend." But! Alex supposedly rented a separate apartment just as a "secret love nest." Moving on: Angelina hasn't been walking around the hospital. She's just been lying in bed, reading magazines, typing on her computer and talking on the phone. Because she's on bed rest. Next: Britney's kids don't know her, a story claims. They're dependent on the nanny, who wakes them up, feeds them breakfast and puts them down for naps. The nanny loves the boys with all her heart. Oh! Heidi Montag went to the DMV with Spencer Pratt to register to vote! Score one for John McCain! Colin Farrell has gone public with his relationship with English novelist Emma Forrest, by the by. Rumer Willis says: "There's so much pressure to look a certain way and I don't fit the convention, but it's okay if you're not the perfect picture." Post-baby Jessica Alba wants her old body back. She "let herself" have pasta and bread recently and "couldn't resist" a "sweet treat" from Pinkberry a few days later. How dare a Hollywood mom eat! Chris Kattan's wedding seems awesome: Parker Posey was his "best man." Brooke Shields, Will Ferrell and Charlie Sheen were there, as well as so many more (Fig. 5)! Benji Madden won't let Paris get a tattoo. "He doesn't like tattoos on women. He thinks I look pure," she explains. But! He plans to get one of her face.
Grade: B (air conditioning)
Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

[Beverly Hills, July 15. Image via Flynet]

• Hawk-evictor and CNN anchor Paula Zahn's new boyfriend is chairman of a company that operates animal-processing factory farms. [NYDN]
• Tom Cruise is coming to New York to host an April 19 benefit to promote his Scientology-approved "detox" regimen for 9/11 emergency workers. [NYPost]
• Girls Gone Wild's Joe Francis refuses to give himself up to authorities on a contempt citation. We can't wait for the white Bronco chase down the 405. [ABCNews]
• Fun with Bill O'Reilly! The Fox News blowhard freaks — and we mean freaks — at Geraldo Rivera. [CrooksandLiars]

• Naomi Watts and Liev Schrieber don't want their child born out of wedlock. PageSix]
• Speaking of babes: Is Gwen Stefani pregnant again? [Flynet]