[Minsk, December 6. Image via AP.]

Kittens react during an international cat exhibition in Minsk, Belarus, Sunday, Dec. 6, 2009. (AP Photo/Sergei Grits)

Maryjean's Cat Massage Don'ts:

1. Touching too fast
2. Touching with your fingertips only (use full palm).
3. Taunting the cat with a high-pitched squeaky voice.

Remember the rules!

Cat Massage Lady Maryjean Ballner [Late Show with David Letterman]

Related: If There was Ever a Win-Win Situation, it's Cat Massage! [Everything is Terrible]

Here's the breakdown:

Looking out the window: 22%
Sleeping: 6%
Hiding under tables: 6%
Interacting with other family pets: 12%
Consuming digital media: 6%
Playing with toys: 5%
Eating or looking at food: 4%
Climbing on chairs or kitty condos: 8%

Yes, that's only 79% of their time, but what do we expect from a cat food company press release? They also said this when asked if the cats will ever get movie cameras instead of just still photo cameras: "We are in the think tank now." Funny, 'cause regular people on YouTube tape their cats alone all the time. A very scientific search finds that cats spend their time doing the above things and more!

Above, a cat who has named himself Lorenzo talks to the camera about what it's like to be all alone.

This cat flushes the toilet over and over all day:

This cat, in time-lapse, defies the rules by sleeping:

These four cats both look out the window AND interact with each other:

And, best for last: this cat has a companion dog who gets food out of the trash for them to eat...the very second their owners leave:

What Do Cats Do All Day? Kitty Cam Has the Answer [AP/MSNBC]

[Hodenhagen, December 4. Images via Getty.]

A four-week-old Amur leopard baby is presented to the public for the first time at an animal park in Hodenhagen, northern Germany on December 4, 2009. According to the animal park, only around 34 Amur leopards are left in the wild, which makes them one of the rarest felids in the world. AFP PHOTO DDP/ NIGEL TREBLIN GERMANY OUT (Photo credit should read NIGEL TREBLIN/AFP/Getty Images)

[Image via Russell Heistuman's Flickr.]

Callan-Jones tells Elizabeth Vargas that the difference between "cat ladies" and "crazy cat ladies" is when women stop taking care of themselves and dedicate all of their time to taking care of their cats. Diane, one of the women profiled in the documentary, has 123 cats, which she began collecting after she was forced into early retirement. She spends $3,000 a month on cat supplies, and sleeps on the sofa in a room with her feline friends, but never gets a straight eight hours, but wakes up every few hours during the night to change the litter boxes and replenish the dry food. She accepts the title of "crazy cat lady," because she is aware that her obsession of collecting cats is draining her bank account, her energy, and her ability to have fulfilling relationships with other people. She seems ready to change her entire life around.


Sigi can't even count all of her cats, but it's somewhere in the hundreds. She spends her day—in a muumuu and running shoes—trapping stray cats in the wild, considering it her mission to save their lives. Her house has been virtually destroyed by the animals, and her neighbors don't appreciate Sigi's cat passion, since the strong smell emanates beyond her property. Her furniture was removed by the health department due to contamination, and she now sleeps on a lawn chair. (Her home resembles Grey Gardens, right down to the filthy cats, actual poop spray stains, and the pale blue paint on the walls.) She sees nothing wrong with her lifestyle, and doesn't consider herself to be a crazy cat lady. Callan-Jones suggests that Sigi identifies herself with thrown-away cats, because she feels like society has discarded her.


Jenny, a successful sales agent in her mid-30s, has 16 cats. She feels as though she's on the cusp of becoming a crazy cat lady, and thinks that if she gets one more cat, it'll just automatically happen, and she'll lose all hope. Callan-Jones says that each woman in her film has experienced some kind of trauma that triggered their relationships with cats. Some of them have just accepted this lifestyle and see nothing wrong with it, while others are clearly depressed over their inability to have relationships with people.

Earlier: "Are There Cat Gentlemen, Too?"

Fade in. Ms. Gaga, ever the generous host, is just chilling with her minions, listening to music.

She is wearing her razor-blade sunglasses, because a girl can never be too careful. The world assaults us with images! We must fight back! (Or, as she told MTV News: "I wanted to design a pair for some of the toughest chicks and some of my girlfriends - don't do this at home! - they used to keep razor blades in the side of their mouths… That tough female spirit is something that I want to project. It's meant to be, 'This is my shield, this is my weapon, this is my inner sense of fame, this is my monster.") I certainly hope you're taking notes.

FYI: Motherboard, barbed wire or fine screen door mesh manicures are the new hot shit. Adjust accordingly.

Suddenly, there's a flash of light.

A room! With Ukranian vodka! This must be a dream. Or a nightmare?

Coffin-like pods line the floor. Note the one which reads "Monster," as therein lies our heroine.

By the way: Since The Lady refers to her creative team as the Haus of Gaga, this scenario, naturally, takes place in the Bath Haus of Gaga.

The Lady emerges, wrapped up for freshness.

It's important to loosen up the joints and muscles after being transported — nay, kidnapped — into a questionable dimension. Working out with friends keeps you motivated.

Speeding through a hole in the time/space continuum often leaves a layer of grime. Bathing is a must.

Here, her eyes are wide with knowledge, not fear: She is a captive!

Product placement! Did you know that Dr. Dre, who has his own Beats By Dre headphones, worked with The Lady to make Heartbeats by Lady Gaga?

Back to the story: Gaga is ripped from the bath by her captors.

She is really just an innocent young thing, what could they possibly want with her?

Well, first they'd like to strip her of her latex garments…

…Then they'd like to force imported vodka down her throat. The usual Tuesday night stuff.

Fueled by liquor, Gaga is trussed up in a sparkly ensemble, robbed of her Burberry overcoat and forced to dance.

So many male bidders, so little time!

The Man With The Gold Chin Strap takes an interest in Ms. Gaga. Gold+Man= Goldman? As in Goldman Sachs? Is Gaga part of the bailout package?

Her brain aches; she must make a choice. She can flee. Sure. But she can also stay and dance her ass off, use this man the way he wants to use her. She could really, really use the money, you see…

…She's got a little problem with her spine. And Oxford won't cover the surgery.

So she dances. She seduces him because she has to. And because she can.

According to The Woman's Dictionary Of Symbols & Sacred Objects, the bond between cats and women has always been strong. There was a time that the patriarchy, suspicious of this connection, would accuse any woman seen talking to or petting a cat of witchcraft. Cats were sacred to the Ancient Egyptians, and festivals for the the cat goddess Bast were huge. The Norse goddess Freya rode in a chariot drawn by cats, and felines were generally thought to be magic. So save your shaved pussy jokes until the end.

Oooh, looky! Our favorite ankle-snapping Alexander McQueen shoes from his Spring 2010 show in paris. You know, the Futuristic Interplanetary Mutant Alien Queen one. Not Derelicte In Wonderland… that's so Fall 2009.

If you saw the McQueen ensembles and thought to yourself, "Who wears that? Now you know.

Anyway: Gaga drags herself and her bear carcass peignoir to do what she knows she must do.

Mr. Goldman awaits, hand creeping toward his stimulus package.

He'd like to see what he's purchased.

She's happy to oblige.

But! Little does he know — she has power, strength, and can, like a young Drew Barrymore, start fires with her mind.

(See, she has already informed the others that there will be a revolt! That's where the red and the leather come in: Viva La Revolucion!)

Yes, the bed is aflame. Fire can be symbolic of passion, but in this case, she is using it as a weapon, to destroy her enemy.

In the end, her sparkbra is saved, but Mr. Goldman? He is merely a charred skeleton.

The moral: Buy flame-retardant lingerie.

Here's the video clip, sans commentary. Enjoy.

Lady Gaga Says 'Bad Romance' Video Is About 'Tough Female Spirit' [MTV News]
Bad Romance Exclusive Premiere [Facebook]
Lady Gaga Bad Romance [YouTube]

Earlier: Questions About The High Fashion & Domestic Violence In Lady GaGa's Video
An Analysis Of The Underlying Themes In Britney's New Candie's Commerical

Slate, which ran its initial inquiry in 2005, was prompted to revisit the subject by the passage of the new Dudley, Massachusetts law that prohibits residents from owning more than three cats - which was prompted in turn by the out of control cat population of a resident C.L. Of course, one could argue that no self-respecting cat lady (or, for that matter, mere cat fancier) is going to heed any such injunction - either through obliviousness (the stereotypical cat lady isn't exactly glued to local news) or on animal-loving principle. So one wonders how effective such a law might prove.

Of course, as Slate's Daniel Engber points out, most of those whom we consider "cat ladies" are not mere animal-lovers, but those whose compulsion to collect and shelter has led to neglect, and often squalor - circumstances of which the perpetrators seen unaware. People toss the term around, but there's a difference between a woman with cats and someone who's a clinical animal hoarder.

Animal hoarding has also been viewed as an addiction, like compulsive gambling or alcoholism, or as a form of dementia. Though hoarders are usually quite old, many recall a history of neglect or abuse by their parents. Obsessive-compulsive disorder provides another psychiatric model; about a quarter of OCD patients exhibit object-hoarding behavior. No one knows why women are more susceptible than men. One member of the Hoarding of Animals Research Consortium points out that women are also more likely to become veterinarians and less likely to perform acts of animal cruelty.

As the sympathetic new documentary Cat Ladies explains the phenomenon,"It's not the number of cats that defines someone as a 'cat lady', but rather their attachment, or non-attachment, to human beings. They create a world with their cats in which they are accepted and in control - a world where they ultimately have value." Of course, even from the preview, there seem to be a number of different types represented - and not everyone's motivations seem just the same. That's why legislation seems problematic; there are people who can take in a lot of animals and give them good lives. And then there's hoarding, which is a real concern for the Humane Society and the ASPCA.

And while it's clearly a phenomenon more common to women - no one knows why - it's obvious that the tendency has been conflated with witch mythology in ways we don't even question. You don't need to watch the Cat People movies (although you should, because they're fantastic) to know that felines have evil historical associations - and have often been regarded as the familiars of the sort of lone woman who was an easy target in Salem. Take this (which mythology I've long heard, but can't verify or cite to my satisfaction, so take it as lore)

A very early record of the linking together of witches and cats concerns the ceremony of Cat Wednesday which took place in the city of Metz in Northern France. This involved hundreds of cats being burnt alive in the belief that they were witches in disguise. Papal might was brought down upon witches and cats in the 13th century when horrible acts of atrocity were carried out on humans and felines. Black cats in particular were believed to be agents of the devil, especially if owned by an elderly woman.

Clearly, our cultural aversion goes deeper than we know. Of course, when it comes to the Rat Ladies - well, that's another matter. And another documentary.

What's The Deal With "Cat Ladies"? [Slate]

Cat Ladies Documentary

Hot Docs 2009 Trailers: CAT LADIES [YouTube]
Behind Closed Doors: The Horrors of Animal Hoarding [Humane Society]
Witches And Cats [Best-Cat]

But her parents recall that Taylor's rise to fame has not been easy. Her father said "you could write 10 pages" about what he had to do to get her into the Irish Amateur Boxing Association. •  Meet Diane Macchino, the so-called "Cement Princess." Macchino owns eight cement trucks, which she refers to as her "babies," manages a cement yard, wears three inch heels, and fights sexual harassment on what sounds like a daily basis. Macchino says shes had trouble from competitors, who don't like the fact that a women is getting into the business, but she has big plans: "This Cement Princess will be back like a woman scorned. Offering the best product at the best prices, honest service with a smile, and a woman's touch." • Police have discovered a seventh body in the Cleveland, Ohio home of convicted rapist Anthony Sowell. He was arrested last week after the decomposing bodies of six African-American women were found in his house and buried in his yard. • Three female college students from North Dakota have gone missing. Authorities refuse to speculate on what has happened to the girls, but a friend reports receiving two late night phone calls that mentioned water and asked for help. •  The Georgian Court Hotel in Vancouver has recently reopened with a new feature: A floor dedicated exclusively to female travelers. The "Orchid Floor" will provide extra amenities, including curling irons, yoga mats, and a collection of women's magazines. • According to a new government report, America's disturbingly high infant mortality rate can be blamed primarily on poor access to prenatal care and the resulting premature births. To make things more depressing, many low income mothers do not have access to proper care, which accounts for the high numbers of infant deaths among women in the US. •  Subjects in a Canadian study looked at photos of men's faces and said they thought those with wider, longer faces were more aggressive. The volunteer's guesses correlated highly to the men's actual aggressive behavior. "The greater the width-to-height ratios, the higher the aggressive rating, suggesting that we may use this aspect of facial structure to judge potential aggression in others," said the researchers. • Evelyn Border, 56, and her daughter Tina Griekspoor, 35, stood outside a Pennsylvania courthouse for four and a half hours today holding signs that read: "I stole from a 9-year-old girl on her birthday! Don't steal or this could happen to you!" The women, who were convicted of stealing the girl's gift card when she put it down on a shelf at Wal-Mart, agreed to hold the signs rather than serving jail time. • Ingmar "Iggy" Sprude, who appeared on the cover of Gulfshore Life magazine's recent issue, was arrested for allegedly pulling the fire alarm inside a Naples, Florida nightclub twice on Halloween. He was dressed as Pamela Anderson at the time. • In addition to taking care of the grounds, White House Horticulturist Dale Henry has developed a relationship with many presidential pets. Henry is Bo's primary walker when Michelle Obama is out of town. He says he's amazed by the public's fascination with With House pets: "Sometimes I think they're more interested in the pets than the president." • Voters at a town hall meeting in Dudley, Massachusetts have made it illegal to own more than three cats without being granted a $50 residential kennel license. The law was created after the neighbor of Mary Ellen Richards said her 15 cats are destroying her yard. Richards is selling her house and says she's moving to a "more cat-friendly community." •

The pictures in question were taken over the summer, and showed the pretending to kiss or lick "novelty phallus-shaped lollipops." Other images showed the girls in their underwear with dollar bills sticking out. The ACLU has become involved in the case, and they claim that since the incident occurred outside school, it should not effect their standing. •  A new study from Britain's Department of Health has found that new mothers feel most anxious around five months after giving birth. At this point, the excitement has supposedly worn off, and friends and relatives are supposedly no longer offering as much support, which leads many mothers to feel isolated and nervous. • Nutrition experts have complained that Kellogg's is falsely advertising that its Cocoa Krispies cereal can help "boost immunity." Currently, the Cocoa Krispies box reads: ""Now helps support your child's IMMUNITY," alluding to the addition of vitamins A, C and E. But Kelly Brownell from Yale University says, "by their logic, you can spray vitamins on a pile of leaves, and it will boost immunity." • Researchers recently found that 1/5 of smokers lie about smoking during pregnancy. The study, which looked at 3,475 women from Scotland, asked women to come clean about lighting up while pregnant and followed up with the revealing blood tests. •  The Cyprus Feline Society has identified two breeds of cat that they claim are "ancient breeds" and would like international recognition for them. The two breeds include the tall and elegant "Aphrodite," and short, broad-faced "Helen." •  A professor at Harvard has announced that next semester he plans a class based entirely on the HBO show The Wire. "I do not hesitate to say that it has done more to enhance our understanding of the challenges of urban life and the problems of urban inequality, more than any other media event or scholarly publication," said sociology professor William J. Wilson at a recent panel discussion.  • A new study found that while marriage rates are lower for women on welfare, receiving Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, once they exit the system they are as likely to marry as women who were never on welfare. • International cancer specialists will meet this week to figure out how to combat the increase of breast cancer in developing countries, where almost two-thirds of women aren't diagnosed until the cancer has spread through their bodies. Doctors say part of the problem is that in some areas women worry that men will leave them if they lose a breast. "It's not a trivial consideration," says Dr. Lawrence Shulman of the Dana Farber Cancer Institute, who is working to begin cancer care in parts of Africa where "the women are often seen as really either vessels for producing children or as sex slaves." • A mother in New York is challenging a judge's decision to 34 percent increase in the number of Down Syndrome births between 1989 and 2005, 15 percent fewer babies were born during that time due to prenatal testing. Some are worried that the decline in Down Syndrome cases will lead to cuts in research funding and that more people aren't even considering raising a child with Down syndrome. • A Texas health clinic operator CareNow says it regrets telling a Muslim doctor applying for a job that she couldn't wear her hijab. The company called it a "misunderstanding" after the American-Islamic Relations wrote to CareNow, explaining federal law requires employers to reasonably accommodate religious practices of an employee. • Today Michelle Obama is launching a mentoring program in which she and female White House staffers will mentor 20 high school girls from the Washington, D.C. area. The girls will get to visit their mentors' offices and gather for a group dinner. • Despite Liz Lemon's well-known love of the German language, 30 Rock is not popular in Germany. Its premiere last night on the German channel ZDFNeo earned a 0.0 rating, meaning it was watched by fewer than 5,000 people. Blerg. •

• According to the LA Times Twitter is the new outlet for celebrity feuds. Everyone from Perez Hilton (natch) to Chris Brown are getting in on the action. Apparently, part of the appeal of Twitter is that the entries are written and posted so quickly that there is no time for a publicist to censor the sentiment. • Jezebel contributor Doree Shafrir takes on the growing trend of American couples outsourcing surrogacy to India. Although homosexuality was only recently decriminalized in India, many gay couples are finding that some Indian clinics are easier to deal with than American surrogates. • A LDS church in Utah has become the target of vandals, who threw rocks at the window with the attached message "Stop spreading your lies, pagans." Police do not have any suspects, but they are already discussing whether or not hate crime charges will be filed. • Speaking of hate crimes, there is a growing push to amend New York state hate crime laws so that they protect transgender individuals. • After escaping an abusive boyfriend in 1998, Kalyn Risker found the Detroit non-profit Sisters Acquiring Financial Empowerment, to help other domestic abuse survivors learn skills to reenter the workforce and break their financial dependence on their abuser. The program is in high demand, since Detroit only has one domestic violence shelter but has seen a 7% increase in domestic violence cases this year. • Have you ever wondered why there are no calorie counts on cat food? According to The New York Times, it's because many pet foods haven't been tested for digestibility and true content per can. A 10 pound cat needs roughly 200-400 calories, but the best way to tell if it's eating enough is just to see if maintains a normal weight. • Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a bill commemorating Harvey Milk for being the first openly gay politician elected to public office in California. Under the measure Milk's birthday, May 22, would be proclaimed a day of significance by the governor each year. "He really saw this signing as a way to honor the gay community in California," said a spokesman. •

[Image via The Itty Bitty Kitty Committee]

(click to enlarge)