Forgive me if I revert to a 16-year-old Valley Girl version of myself, but ohmigawd, grody. This is soap wrapped in felt. My bathroom pet peeve is hair on soap. SOAP, BY DEFINITION, SHOULD BE CLEAN. If there's pube hair on your Lever 2000, your shower is VOID. Ew ew ew.

The sweater seems nice and all, but my lust is reserved for that Clothbound Penguin Classic version of Sense and Sensibility. Actually, my favorite designs in the series are the chandelier-covered Great Expectations and the peacock-feathered Picture Of Dorian Gray. You have Coralie Bickford-Smith to thank for the exquisite patterns.

This "message in a bottle" thingy is $16 for a little glass jar and some blank paper. Blink. Blink.

Is the "in-the-clouds scarf" pretty, in a shabby chic/grandma's attic kind of way? Yes. Is it $168 pretty? No.

Someone's been in the Ugly Betty wardrobe department.

My problem with Shabby Chic is my same problem with Olsen twins chic. It's not hip to be homeless, so why is it hip to LOOK homeless? Derelicte your own balls.

The "noble lore" blouse is probably cute and Blair Waldorf-esque, but the "hazy" photo treatment makes it hard to tell. It's worse than the time they shot shit underwater, because it makes me feel like I have glaucoma.

If I have one gift, it's the uncanny ability to look at a page of items and only like the most expensive thing pictured. In this case it's the "Enveloped Petals Cardigan," ringing up at $248 — the Upended Poppy tee is $68; the In-A-Moment dress is $118 and the Waltzing Daphne blouse is $98.

"He said he was a painter… He asked me if I wanted to get plastered… I didn't know it he painted walls… Still, he made me feel dizzy and weak in the knees! Or was it the fumes? All I know is I haven't spackled like that in a long time."

Excellent things about this shot:
1. Eyebrows
2. Eyes
3. Masculine/feminine combo of blazer and lace

Terrible things:
1. Blazer wouldn't look good on me/fit my rack
2. Doesn't come in my size anyway

AAAAAHHHH my eyes! Make it stop.

More lovely books. The striped "Saturation Point" heels are cute, too: $88.

She is humming "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes." Mark my words.

The "Great Heights Shift," $148: Cute or corny? As a city girl, I'm a sucker for a skyline.

Oh, Anthro. This always happens. I hate you, then you do something sweet — like pairing a girl "For Flora Skirt" ($168) and pindot tights ($18) with retro "Carved Celadon" heels ($168). Le sigh.

Anthropologie [Official Site]

Earlier: Man Shops Globe: The World Is Your Boho Bazaar
Man Shops Globe: The World Is Your Boho Bazaar
Anthropologie: Sartorialist-ic "Real" People Impossibly Pretty, Well-Dressed
May Anthropologie Catalog: Totally Watered Down
Anthropologie "Adorned": Critters & Kids Steal The Spotlight From Bags & Baubles
Anthropologie "Revival": TV-Ready Fall Fashion
Pottery Barn, Anthropologie & West Elm: Bedding Porn For Sleepyheads
CB2, Anthropologie & Delia's: More Bedding Porn For SleepyHeads
Please Do Not Look The Anthropologie Model In The Eye
Anthropologie "Vignettes": Forcing Us To Look Forward To Fall
Anthropologie "Giving": We Love To Hate & Hate To Love It
Urban Outfitters, Free People & Anthropologie: What's The Difference?
Anthropologie Doesn't Care About Black People

Related: Fetchdog, Drs Fosters & Smith: Howliday Humiliation For Dogs & Cats
Dear Santa: Have You Seen The December J. Crew?
Barneys: Wooing With Witticisms & Wallet-Emptying Wares
Ashro: Stop Being Such A Slob And Get Yourself A Suit, Hat & Wig
19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Silver Belles & Butt Floss: Christmas At Frederick's Of Hollywood
Preclears On Your List? Shop The Scientology Holiday Catalog

All previous catalog posts

So, we're starting with Fetchdog first. While these bedding products are not specifically holiday-themed, they can't be overlooked. On the one hand: Isn't it weird to offer your dog fur to lie on — even if it's faux? On the other hand: Think of the sense of accomplishment that Pomeranian must be feeling — he's conquered a gigantic jaguar.

When they talk about your dog's "inner jungle animal," do they mean jungle like the music? Is this Pug headed to a nü rave?

Aw, the chew toy shaped like a peppermint is really cute. As are the gingerbread men.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

Let's face it: The item called a "Starstruck Party Collar" is really a jester outfit. Your dog is a joke! It's his job to keep you entertained. As for the Weimaraner in antlers, his expression is: "Please. I'm begging you. Take them off."

Of all these items, the velvet bell collar seems the least offensive; the fact that the Santa Hat comes with a scarf boggles the mind. The "reindog bandana" is just dumb. That Vizsla agrees. And would like a treat.

I'll admit that I like the Ho Ho Fleece Hoodie. Are you guys going to start hounding me? I'm afraid to incur your wrath. Let's move on.

The awesome thing about the Doctors Fosters & Smith catalog cover is how the photograph solidifies all the stereotypes about cats and dogs. Cats are savvy opportunists; dogs are lazy good-for-nothings who sleep when there's work to be done.

The reindeer costume doesn't work, but the Santa Suit is kind of brilliant. That Boston Terrier looks quite sharp, what with the matching socks.

I eat meat and buy sometimes buy leather, but knowing that rawhide chews are made from cowskin, seeing all of it together like this makes me queasy. And that "bone" is too big. TOO BIG.

Puggle says: "She's a bitch. No, really. An actual bitch."

WHY does that Elf Hat have brown pointed ears?!?!?! Wait. I don't want to know.

"Just For Cats" ought to read "Just For Krazy Kat Ladies Who Like To Advertise Their Love Of Cats."

You know this look. This is the look of a fierce feline contemplating scratching some idiot human's eyes out. Ideally the fool who adorned him in a Collar Ruff. But anyone will do.

Fake colors make rawhides cuter.

Another put-upon puss plots revenge.

Fetchdog [Official Site]
Doctors Fosters & Smith [Official Site]

Earlier:
Doctors Foster & Smith: The Crazy Cat Lady Catalog

Dear Santa: Have You Seen The December J. Crew?
Barneys: Wooing With Witticisms & Wallet-Emptying Wares
Ashro: Stop Being Such A Slob And Get Yourself A Suit, Hat & Wig
19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Silver Belles & Butt Floss: Christmas At Frederick's Of Hollywood
Preclears On Your List? Shop The Scientology Holiday Catalog

All previous catalog posts

Santa, it's kind of cool to send models to Chile's Andes Mountains and all, but really, even though the girl in the coat looks adorbs as she "poses" or drunkenly weaves through the snow, the dude in the poncho and hat in the back looks more interesting. Bad-ass, even. Even the horse is like, "Bish plz. Nay."

Santa, don't you love this shot? The textures and colors! And if you, Mr. Claus, feel bringing this girl a pearl twisted hammock necklace ($98) and a pearl-and-crystal avalanche necklace (135), that would be awesome, because I'm loath to pay those prices for them. And I've been good.

Have you ever tried this, St. Nick? Going out it lots of cute layers instead of a coat? Does it work for you? Really? Are you warm enough? Can you still move your arms? Huh.

Aw, Santa, as a girl who dresses up for Dorothy almost every Halloween, my heart skips a beat when I see glitter heels. Then again, I dig pretty much everything glittery here — the tank, the cardigan, the necklace.

Yum! Ladylike coats in sugary-sweet colors!

Ooh, this hearkens back to boat on dry land trend of 2008! Unless that's a frozen lake.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

Dear Santa, don't you think it would be nice to entertain at home in a velvet jacket and silk pajama pants? And, more importantly: Sneakers? Oh, it's all very well to squeeze into something short and/or tight, and strap on heels and teeter around at holiday parties. But imagine being able to eat! And walk!

Dear Kris Kringle: The "Ellington" skirt is named after Duke, right? It's all jazzy and whatnot, designed for dancing on top of a piano or for pretending you're in a repertory theater production of Chicago. Too bad it's styled with those hideous socks and shoes.

Riddle me this, KK: Is "bling" ever going away? Not sparkles — sparkly stuff we love. But the word. Bling. Just a question. While you're thinking about it, bring me this cardigan in light berry, fresh guava, soft violet and heather fossil.

Yo. Sinterklaas. File this under "good in theory but less elegant in practice."

Dear Santa: Bet you can't guess who the most awesome person in this picture is. Go ahead, click "full size" to enlarge. Nah, it's not the gray lady on the left in the Ellington skirt. Try again.

Ding ding ding!

Hey, Santa, did you know J. Crew hired Chanel Iman? Exciting, right? She looks super pretty! Young! Fresh! Bright-eyed and bushy pony-tailed! And, you know: Yay for black models.

Another yay! Is this Arlenis? Her skin is to die for, as are these soft, candy colors.

Oh, Santa. If only I looked like this right now. Put-together! Joyous! Like a flattering light and some peachy blush are emanating from within me! Instead I'm wearing pajamas with cupcakes and ice cream on 'em and my hair looks like a Brillo pad that needs to be thrown away and my face is like :-/

Dear Santa: Everything but the boots. And maybe you could throw in a little somethin' extry?

Thanks!

J. Crew [Official Site]

Earlier: October At J. Crew: Pretty, Preppy, Preposterous
J.Crew's Ovary-Busting Child Models Should Come With A Warning
Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes

J. Jill Vs. J. Crew: It's A Fashion Showcase Showdown

Related: Barneys: Wooing With Witticisms & Wallet-Emptying Wares
Ashro: Stop Being Such A Slob And Get Yourself A Suit, Hat & Wig
19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Dean & Deluca Thanksgiving: Mouth-Watering, Wallet-Emptying
All previous catalog posts

Beato believes that though online shopping is "largely functional," commercials are "noisy and insistent," while catalogs are "serene" and "aspirational." And more enjoyable, in my opinion.

Beato muses:

The beauty of the catalog is that while its sales pitch is relentless, it's a quiet, meditative kind of relentlessness. It's hard to drift off into reveries about how much better the perfect overnight bag could make your life while shopping at Amazon or Zappos. There's too much filtering to do, too much waiting for the screen to refresh, too many tiny product shots fighting for your attention at once. Slowly making one's way through the serene, uncluttered pages of the latest Design Within Reach catalog, however, it's easy to start thinking that all that really stands between you and true happiness is a sofa that takes advantage of "recent technical advances" and yet nonetheless evokes the "soft, less machined brand of modernism [that] first arose in the United States in the 1930s." Or hell, maybe even a $60 stainless steel tape dispenser that functions like "desktop architecture" would do the trick.

And sometimes people actually look forward to catalogs: Take SkyMall, for instance. As Meghan Daum writes for the LA Times: "As the holiday travel season descends on us, with its never-ending flight delays and shouting matches over carry-on luggage, don't tell me that flipping through the SkyMall catalog isn't one of the few pleasures left in commercial air travel."

Daum interviewed Christine (not Christina) Aguilera, the CEO of SkyMall, who says that "the airline passenger is a great consumer, a fabulous audience," and that SkyMall's demographic is rather highbrow; the average customer is college educated and earns at least $75,000 a year. Yet, somehow, catalogs get no respect — some people throw them right in the trash.

Of course, SkyMall doesn't clog up your mailbox — and it has the benefit of being seen by multiple people before it's thrown away. In an economic downturn, other companies aren't as lucky: According to Beato,

Earlier this year, Macys, Inc. stopped sending out its Bloomingdale's By Mail catalog in order to concentrate resources on the Bloomingdales.com website. Williams-Sonoma, Inc., which also owns Pottery Barn and West Elm in addition to its own eponymous chain, is reducing its total catalog pages by half in 2011. J. Crew is sending out its catalog to 27 percent fewer households.

Still, Beato admits that he'll miss catalogs when they're gone, and I will too: You can't recreate glossy pages, cool photography and the lean-back-and-browse experience on the internet. Plus, checking out Amazon.com in the tub or on the toilet just isn't the same.

Where The Consumer Is King: In Praise Of Mail-Order Catalogs [Reason]
Requiem For The Soft Sell Of The Catalog [Newser]
SkyMall: A Catalog With Altitude [LA Times]

Earlier: More SkyMall: The Mile-High Commerce Club
19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall

Whatever you're planning to wear to your company Christmas party is nowhere near as good as this. A red suit is clearly what your life has been lacking. Don't like this one?

Try one like this instead.

Or this.

Or perhaps emerald green is more your thing.

It goes on like this for pages and pages and pages! After a while, you start wearing down — believing that, yes, what you need to be wearing is a fancy skirt suit and a hat.

An elegant black ensemble is probably what I'd choose. No word on whether it comes with Jeeves, to help you out of cars.

All-over floral worries me. And I am, admittedly, a magpie maximalist: I like sequins and flowers and rhinestones and doodads. But I fear that wearing something like this would make me look like the new Von Trapp nanny who's gotten into the curtains. Or wallpaper.

Statuesque posture, unshakable confidence: Required; not included.

Sometimes overtly "feminine" fashion — adorned with flower blooms or buds and other veiled vaginal references — can be delicate, demure… almost weak. This, for some reason, reads "strength." …And "vulva-esque."

Did I mention that Ashro has a wig section?

Man, I love that the wigs come in gray. That means that somewhere out there, some sassy grandma is wearing this sassy cut.

Asymmetrical even!

So, here's why I have the Ashro catalog: I once ordered a caftan. To blog from home in. Feels slightly more appropriate than pajamas when the UPS guy shows up.

I can't vouch for the "approrpriate-ness" of the other casual wear Ashro offers, however…

Ashro [Official Site]

Earlier: 19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Dean & Deluca Thanksgiving: Mouth-Watering, Wallet-Emptying
All previous catalog posts

Car repair? That's for boys. That look on his face says: "I'm thinking about overcharging you."

Cooking and cleaning? That's for girls. The young lady on the left might also be discovering that a frying pan can double as a weapon, but that's for advanced users.

Grilling? That's for boys. Even though cooking on a stove is for girls, if you cook with fire, you're following our ancestor, Homo Erectus. Early Man, not Early Woman!

Playing with your food is something both girls and boys can do; although only girls work at McDonald's.

Related: When I was four, I loved McDonald's intensely and thought it was a burger and shake heaven on earth. So when a teacher asked me — the only black kid in my pre-k class — what I wanted to do when I grew up, I said "work at McDonald's." My mom witnessed this interaction and, I think, almost died of disappointment.

Being a pretty princess, wearing make-up and jewelry? That's for girls.

And just because you're a princess doesn't mean you shouldn't bake, make toast or blend a smoothie. Duh. That's what girls do.

A plush pet condo, for girls ages 2 and up. Because it's never too early to be a crazy cat lady!

Something all girls look forward to: Graduating from a baking princess to a Queen Of Clean. Maybe someday she'll be in one of those sad mop commercials Sarah Haskins is always making fun of.

Don't tell Danica Patrick, but car racing is for boys. Falling in love is for girls.

Sports are for boys.

Except soccer. Girls can play soccer. And whatever that other thing is.

OMG progress: Girls can be doctors! Or star in primetime medical dramas!

But boys can be paleontologists, truckers, law enforcement officials or doctors.

Lilly's Kids [Official Site]

Earlier: All previous catalog posts

In the past I have enjoyed shopping from Delia's, but this plaid trend just won't work for me. I'm a city slicker, not a lumberjack! And besides: I did it in the '90s. I'm too old to play this time around. Welcome to My So Called Life, okay?!?! Anyway: The plaid. There's lots of it.

Don't let the puppies fool you! We're not here to look at doggies. We're here to witness a plaid phenomenon.

Will you look at all the colors?!?! Now, as we mentioned in August, buffalo check was declared "impossible to miss" on the runways in 2008. Welcome to 2009: We're drowning in it!

If a shirt isn't special enough for you, try a cardigan!

If a cardiagan's not right for you, try a plaid scarf — with a bright coat!

If a bright coat doesn't do it for you, go ahead and get a plaid coat. Or a check coat.

Do it now! Limited time!

Don't like toggle closures? They've got buttons. JUST BUY SOME PLAID.

Or check! Don't you want white buffalo check, just like the Ralph Lauren runways? (Last year.)

Whatever you do, don't forget you need something plaid! It's imperative!

How about a dress?

Or you could just get a bag!

Plaid shoes. Shoes! This is what it's come to. Wake me up when we get to polka dots.

Earlier: Urban Outfitters: Everything Old Is Fug Again
Entertainment Earth: Where Your Fangirl Dreams Come True
Halloween At Dean & Deluca: The Trick Is Being Able To Afford The Treats
11 New Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner's
October At J. Crew: Pretty, Preppy, Preposterous
Free People: Winning Us Over With Cute, Cuddly Critters
Anthropologie: Sartorialist-ic "Real" People Impossibly Pretty, Well-Dressed
Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes

I love love love the Mexican sugar skulls on the cover, but they are $30 for 3. And they're inedible.

The "Devil Chocolates" sound interesting: They are "sinful" dark chocolate filled with spicy apricot. When it comes to fruit and chocolate, for me, it's hit and miss: Strawberries, yes; raspberries, no. But apricot I haven't tried.

The chocolate skulls — some with edible silver — are my favorite thing on this page, though the marzipan figurines on the bottom are adorable. Not that I like marzipan.

Vampire cookies for the Twihard in your life! As for the jack o' lantern cake, it's milk chocolate cake layered with "lush chocolate cream filling, frosed with rich vanilla buttercream and wrapped in orange-tinted white chocolate." Oh, the picket fence and cat are chocolate, too. Lots of detail, maybe that's why it's $140.

Pumpkin cheesecake with graham cracker crust? Yes please. Throw in some chocolate covered caramel apples, as well.

I've never heard of Cream-nuts before, but since they are peanut butter blended with white chocolate, mixed with chopped pecans and then "enrobed" in milk or dark chocolate, they might be my new favorite candy.

The cupcake giftbox sounds ridiculously awesome, since it has spicy pumpkin cupcakes with cinnamon cream frosting; chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting and Madagascar bourbon vanilla cupcakes with vanilla buttercream frosting. But nine for $55? Truly frightening. I think I'd rather have the Trick or Treat bag with 40 bucks worth of candy.

Wait a minute: when deciding between cupcakes and candy, there's no need to choose! Long live cupcake candy.

Lastly a pumpkin cake "almost too pretty to cut." Vanilla spice cake layered with praline buttercream and chocolate fudge — under a white chocolate shell. Guaranteed to force you to reset your New Year's resolutions.

Dean & Decluca [Official Site]

Earlier: Halloween In 2-D Looks Frighteningly Delicious
Harry, David, Dean & Deluca: Chocolate Pagan Easter Symbols And $6,000 Caviar
Williams-Sonoma: A Pre-Thanksgiving Feast For The Eyes
The Naked Chef: Pfaelzer Brothers Peddle Hot Food Porn

Let's just say you're a kid, learning about religion, what B.C. means, and the birth of the baby Jesus and stuff. And maybe you learn that Santa Claus is based on Saint Nicolas and Kris Kringle, and that the modern image of Santa — as a jolly man in red — first became popular in 1881. Does Santa leaning over the baby Jesus in a manger make sense to you?

Nothing says "Christmastime" or "Winter Wonderland" like a disembodied alien head. O come all ye faithful!

This is when you know your love of TV has gone a tad too far. Surgically remove yourself from the couch and go outside.

We've previously discussed the pizza and the Coke cans: I'll admit that N. — the Coca-Cola cup — is pretty cool. I have no problem with the mushroom, since they do grow on trees, but the tomato? No comprende.

Everyone knows that when he's not passing out toys for girls and boys, Santa lives below a rainbow outside of Dublin, guarding his pot of gold.

Certain foods seem right for Christmas: Gingerbread, sugar cookies… fortune cookies, SUSHI. Who doesn't want fake raw fish rolls? On a tree? Man, this stuff is so weird, it's enough to drive you to drink.

Luckily, they've got booze, too! Now if they'd just make a gin and tonic ornament…

Earlier: 9 Really Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner's
9 More Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner's

October At J. Crew: Pretty, Preppy, Preposterous
Free People: Winning Us Over With Cute, Cuddly Critters
Urban Outfitters: Does This Make My Ass Look Wack?
Related: All "Today In Catalogs" posts

Here's the thing about mohair, which is a fancy name for goat yarn: It looks pretty; it feels warm. And, quite often, it sheds all over the damn place. So if you want to look like you own a small Misty Lavender cat, then, by all means: Get this adorable sweater.

My growing Concern about the General Direction Of Pants: Heightened by these, which, the fine print informs me, are not actually baggy trousers: "Model is wearing two sizes up for a looser fit," reads the text. Since J. Crew does not carry two sizes up from my size, how am I supposed to get this look?!?!

The styling here is adorable, even though it's a little over the top. A bow tie with a plaid shirt AND a cascade of glitzy necklaces? In the immortal words of Amy Poehler, Really?

I think this wool coat with ribbon-y detailing is charming, but I really like the "stretch toothpick jean in midnight wash," for a crisp, work-appropriate pair of jeans.

A recent graduate of the School Of Trying Too Hard. It's fun to see whimsical, unexpected pairings, but that dress? Layered that way? With those socks? It's not right. Not right, I tell you! The model doesn't look terrible, but anyone else is going to look like a batty kindergarten art teacher who's been inhaling too much paint.

Ugh. Jenna's picks. It's taken me a long time to realize this, but: I hate Jenna's taste. She tends to "pick" the things I like the least. That paisley shirt on the upper right? Number 13, the doo-doo brown bag? Soft pink Essie nail polish in a shade called "eternal optimist"? Barf. I like necklace number 12, though.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

That black t-shirt with the corsage detailing is pretty much my favorite thing in this catalog, and yeah, I'm one of those people who owns a zillion black t-shirts, but this one is different! I also wish I could dress like this: Half girly, half tomboy, totally comfortable. It never looks this easy on me.

Crap. I love it all. I love the $550 wool tweed coat; I love the stretch twill pants — ankle length is the new black!; I love the carbon gray cable-knit cardigan, and I adore T-strap heels. WANT. IT. ALL.

J. Crew always has pictures like this, pictures which say, "Our clothes are designed for, and look best on, women without giant, humongous racks like yours. Keep it moving, double dee."

The new ankle-length pants look amazing with ballet flats, but I have short, wide feet and can't ever seem to make ballet flats work, even though I wore them all the time when I was 16. I think the front of my foot is wider than the back, so my heel is always slipping out of flats like these. Any advice?!?!? Because I really really really really really want the silver ones.

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

The Orion Gown. Breathtaking. $2800 and, since it's hand-embellished silk, you can sort of understand why. But are you really going to buy something for $2800 out of a catalog?

The men's section features artists! Ryan McGinness is awesome; I saw his Worlds Within Worlds show a few years ago was amazing and my graphic design friends love his book Flatness Is God.

Hi, I don't know who you are, but you're cute.

Ditto.

As I was scanning this catalog, I received an email from a reader which read:

I was more than a little surprised to see that they'd included Vito Acconci, best known for his 1971 performance piece, "Seedbed":

"In Seedbed Acconci lay hidden underneath a gallery-wide ramp installed at the Sonnabend Gallery, masturbating while vocalizing into a loudspeaker his fantasies about the visitors walking above him on the ramp. One motivation behind Seedbed was to involve the public in the work's production by creating a situation of reciprocal interchange between artist and viewer.

In 2008, in an interview with Brian Sherwin for Myartspace, Vito discussed Seedbed at length. Vito discussed the title Seedbed and the connection it had to the performance, stating, "I knew what my goal had to be: I had to produce seed, the space I was in should become a bed of seed, a field of seed – in order to produce seed, I had to masturbate – in order to masturbate, I had to excite myself."

Um, wow. I know J.Crew is departing from their traditionally preppy image, but this seems to be a strange inclusion for the catalog!

Hmm. Masterbation art? Maybe that's what the "secret wash" is for?

Here's the statement on the opening page of the catalog: For our August edition: We photographed what inspired us… Real people. Real places. You.

Not you, though. Someone thinner, with a better haircut and nicer bone structure. You understand.

The fluttering pencil skirt is lovely ($158) but doesn't actually come with the guy from Simply Red; the sweater vest thing on the right is mystifying and best left alone.

This cape ($148) is probably chic all by itself, but of course it looks chic when the damn Eiffel tower is in the background and she's got perfect bangs and there's an enfant peeping about. Merde.

Even if you think you like this "water & roses dress" ($148), the chances that you will be this cool are so incredibly slim it seems like folly to even think about trying to buy the frock; she has rocked it the way it deserves to be rocked and now it's over and done with and we'll all have to try and move on somehow.

And actually, that's the problem with this catalog. In addition to completely ripping off The Sartorialist (I actually emailed him just to make sure he didn't actually shoot these pictures; he confirmed that he did not), the use of "real people" wearing these clothes gives the impression that these people own these garments. Which makes you feel like, well, I can't wear that, that's hers. It's like trying to shop through someone's Facebook album. It feels wrong. The people look great, you just don't want to take their clothes from them!

That first series of shots were all from Paris; the next few are from New York. New continent, same thin, gorgeous, chic, citified aesthetic!

Here's one image in which you actually notice the clothes, because they are fug. Not talking about the chic cape in the background. Referring to the icky sleeves and the pukey pleats in the front and center. As the kids say: Vom.

Clockwise from top left: Ew, ew, pretty!, ew.

London, and that same $248 leather jacket we saw in New York. Plus! More "real" people who are just too freakin' attractive.

She's lovely. Hate the granny clothes, but she looks great.

Sick of the oh-so-slender, oh-so-muted, oh-so-artsy, oh-so-liberal-arts-school grad who now lives "downtown" look yet? Feel like any minute now, you may as well be listening to The Smiths or watching indie gem (500) Days Of Summer?

Zooey, is that you?

Earlier: Urban Outfitters: Does This Make My Ass Look Wack?
Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes
May Anthropologie Catalog: Totally Watered Down

While the colors and the patterns on these swimsuits are fun — and there's certainly more fabric here than in the entire Lucky shoot — the bloomer-ish bottoms make me think of "full" diapers.

I definitely had a windbreaker like this as a kid. And hey, look! An Asian model! Is the 1972 Sears catalog more diverse than Vogue?

Is it the insanely long crotch, the slight flare, or the sea-sick colors that make these jeans "nautical" ?

The Asian girl seems to be saying, "How come everyone here looks like Jan Brady except for me?"

Wow, strawberries! On pockets! Far out!

The young lady with the megacollar purple shirt is saying to her friend with the apple belt, "Mary Jo is always opening her skirt. What a slut."

"Hahaha, anyone know any good sailor jokes?"

Did you know that 1972 was the Year of the Dress? Apparently, it was also the year of red, white and blue. And gingham. And hideousness.

SOMEONE ALERT KANYE WEST!!!1!!!! Yeezy: The gauntlet has been thrown. It's your move.

Ah, "The Rugged Ones," for roughing it, out there in the harsh terrain of the strip mall.

"No way, Jose, my dad sells way more used cars than your dad."

I'm just going to go ahead and point out the fact that the kids with brown skin are not, repeat NOT in the hero cowboy gear. Instead, they get some sad buckskins they probably traded some land for. Really, though: It's not the '70s unless there's a dude with an Afro in a Native-American-influenced getup. See: Jimi Hendrix. And Cochise from The Warriors.

So, which drugs were popular in 1972? Marijuana? Shrooms? LSD? Is there another explanation for these pants?

Check out the saucy minx in the middle, exposing her yellow leg for all to see! Slow down, you move too fast.

"Special" is a good word for it. A '70s-PC way of saying, "more likely to get beat up on the playground," no?

"Elementary, my dear Watson. And by 'elementary,' I mean 'elementary school.' Where I will be going… someday."

Finally! A situation in which jumpsuits are appropriate. The pink "bubble" sunsuit on that little girl, however, still brings to mind dirty diapers.

And look! Speaking of poop: While she tries to hold it in, the elephant just lets loose!

Earlier: The Best Sears Women's Fashions For Spring & Summer …Of 1972

The Best & Worst Of 'International Male,' Summer 1986
The International Male 1986 Holiday Catalog: The Recockulous Jackpot!