Jezebel 
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New York, 12:36 PM
Thu Nov 26
64 posts in the last 24 hours
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10/30/09
Not that I think this is okay (and I totally think Guy has bigger problems here). But, you know, at least see when a guy is trying to be supportive even if he gets it wrong. #carytennis
10/30/09
It is enlightening to see all these posts talking about the error of answering violence with violence, and I agree, I agree, I agree. We debase our human dignity when we continue cycles of retribution. Festering violent anger eats away at compassion, and is not only useless, it is destructive to all who come into contact with it. I know.
But I also know the diminutive Hulk in me still lurks, and can't always hear my words of rational wisdom.
10/30/09
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10/30/09
<3 #carytennis
10/30/09
I was raped a good many years ago, and I decided that one of the ways I could make it a less-awful moment was by telling everyone in my life and speaking about it openly and honestly, not letting it stay in the shadows as if I had something to be ashamed of. I'd wring whatever teachable moments from it that I could.
I knew that sharing something so awful would entail me having to nurse a lot of friends through the pain it would cause them, and indeed folks were hurt and I did end up being the shoulder for many, many "I never told anyone this, but" stories. But man, I was NOT anticipating the response of my straight male friends, which was a fairly universal "Is he IN JAIL? Why NOT?" (Insert lengthy explanation from me about how I've done my research and found out the odds of it going anywhere in that very corrupt county.) "WELL do you want me to KICK HIS ASS?"
Uhh, no, thanks, but my dudes-and-power-caused problem will not be solved by anyone with a penis. Compassion and food, and asking if there's anything you can do, those are acceptable responses.
I remain astonished at the extent to which straight men think they own their female partners' experiences with sexual abuse. It's been a long, long time since I was raped, but still the last guy I dumped said when I dumped him, "But I know what happened to you! Other guys don't understand!" Uh, dude, I fucking blogged about it at the time. You're not special, and it's not yours. Needless to say, the dumping was permanent. #carytennis
10/29/09
The way the hospitals, schools, police, and et al treat rape survivors, so many women would rather not report it because it's worse than the original ordeal. Survivors are the ones who are guilty till proven innocent and the least of their worries is proving the rapist guilty.
So yeah... thanks for writing this. Brilliant.
10/29/09
That said, I cannot stand the angry, I'm-gonna-kill-that-person reaction.
One of my exes was raped. And I wanted to find that bastard, and I wanted to do terrible things to him for all the pain and hurt he had caused her. But when she told me how hearing that didn't help, I didn't understand why. I never said it again, because it wasn't helpful to her, but when I saw him, I really, really wanted to throw a rock at his face. I didn't, to my credit.
I know now why it's so infuriating. It's removing autonomy and agency from the victim/survivor. I'm taking the "protector" role, stepping in when I might not be wanted, and doling out whatever I see fit, not what she sees fit (or he, as the case may be).
My current partner does this from time to time. If I get hit on, he gets all irate. If it's from a total stranger that doesn't know I'm dating someone, he's usually okay with it after 2 minutes. If it's someone who knows I'm dating someone, he feels like he has the right to step in and say something. I don't think so. I can handle it myself. He's not really involved in the situation, but he sees it as an insult to him and the relationship if someone invites me to cheat. I think that if it happens once and I tell the person no, it shouldn't be a big deal. That's just resurrecting drama that's been dealt with. I am not his property, I am not a child. I can deal with that myself, and while I know he doesn't see it as infantilizing me, that's how I see it and it drives me crazy. #carytennis
10/30/09
of course, when you've told him to back off because you can handle it but he still does it then that's another matter.
10/30/09
If, say, someone were to corner me or something, I would probably welcome any attempt to break the power struggle, from anyone. However, that's not the case I was trying to describe in my original comment. The actual situation is this: a friend is coming to visit me, and friend used to kinda have a crush on me. Friend knows I am still dating the same person I have been. A little bird told me that he mentioned that I never talk about "[my] boyfriend" and that he's really excited to come up to see me. Person I'm dating got all bent out of shape about that (without hearing the tone of voice, I do not know what Friend meant). I got angry and said that it had nothing to do with him. Should Friend decide he wants to make a move, I will deal with that. Friend is aware of the situation, and should he do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable or angry, I will ask him to leave. I don't see why Person I'm Dating needs to do anything at all, as he lives 7 hours away and has never met Friend.
I see that as just plain defending your own pride - there is no danger at this point. There is none that I see in the coming future. I could be wrong, but since Person I'm Dating lives 7 hours away, he can't really do anything anyway, so he should really stop talking about getting all in people's faces that he's never met. I mean... I got this, man, he's coming to see me and we're going to hang out and everything's gonna be fine. Should he try to hit on me, I will make it clear that I am not interested, and that friends don't do that to one another. I think that should be enough. :) #carytennis
10/29/09
it's been over ten years, and now i know i made the right choice there--for all of the reasons kate's described in that second-to-last paragraph. retaliation or revenge would not really have taught the boy that raped me anything about what he had done wrong or prevented him from doing it again. it wouldn't have made anything about the situation better. and i think it would have ended up making me feel like my brother was my "protector", and i likely would have continued to turn to him rather than finding my own strength.
i love my brother for responding exactly the way 17 yo me needed him to respond. and i have to admit that the anger he expressed in his offer was part of the response i needed to hear. in that moment, for that split second, it felt right. the moment passed pretty quickly though, and (obviously) we both moved on to more important things. hugs. and dinner. :)
10/29/09
I had known people who had been raped, and was vaguely aware of the generally survivor-friendly-responses, like do not touch them without asking first, make sure that you don't start taking over the conversation, let her talk, let her make decisions for herself, basically don't continue to take power away from her. Another friend was less versed, as she hadn't known anyone who had ever been raped before (we were in college). She was very angry on behalf of her friend, as we all were. She kept repeating how angry she was, and I found myself agreeing and expressing some of my anger at the criminal, the world at large, the patriarchy, etc. Then I tried to make myself stop, because I wasn't sure if it was helpful.
The woman who had been assaulted was basically like "I am glad you guys are angry. I feel kind of crazy, like it didn't happen, really, or like it couldn't have happened to me, and I feel like everything has changed in my life but also exactly the same as last night, and I don't know what to feel, but when you are angry it makes me feel like I can be angry, and even if I can't be angry right now, and am not angry right now, am numb right now, I need to see that people are angry, that this happened, that I am correct in feeling gross and horrible, that I didn't imagine the whole night." Basically she felt like everything was in crazyworld, and our expressions of anger, which were not violent as much as "I am so, so angry right now, how could he do this, who does he think he is, doesn't he understand that you are in charge of your own body, he is crazy, etc." So it wasn't like "I want to get a gun and shoot him in the head," though I definitely felt that at the time. #carytennis
10/29/09
BTW, my situation occurred just before 9/11 - after that day, I (and everyone else involved) dropped our grudges like hot potatoes. Life is too short to be consumed by hatred and fantasies of revenge. #carytennis
10/29/09
I've overcome my rape on most levels, but the hardest part was dealing with it and my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship. He knew the guy who raped me, and would often go into rants in our first few months of dating about how much he wanted to pay an inside man to kill him (in jail).
I had to explain to him exactly what you said in that paragraph. I appreciated his concern, and was so touched by how much he was hurt on my behalf. But I was the victim--not him. He didn't owe me a revenge killing, and killing my rapist was not going to erase what happened to me. Anger is natural-- but it has to fade. It can't consume you. Luckily it didn't consume him and we are still happy together after 5 years. #carytennis
10/29/09
I normally agree with this, but after that Richmond high school gang rape I'm not so sure. I mean, I agree in most cases, but for things like that? Where people just watch and actually "let it happen"...blame goes to them too. Maybe not as much (?) but still.
However, I do get what you're saying. In your average rape that occurs without a cheering crowd, yeah it's totally all on the rapist, no question. #carytennis
10/29/09
10/29/09
10/30/09
I don't think he's a horrible husband or guy, but there has got to be something else going on when you can't get over a crime that happened to someone else over 20 years ago. #carytennis
10/29/09
You just put into words exactly what subconsciously bothers me about this - something that I didn't even REALISE bothered me, until you pointed it out. Thank you!
My boyfriend is extremely protective. Like full on, terrifyingly jealous. And where other girls call it "cute" and "chivalrous" (bleurgh) it's always kind of freaked me out. Now I know why.
New Jez writers FTW!
Glitterbug #carytennis
10/29/09
10/29/09
I make him sound like a bad person - he's not. He's never been anything but loving and sweet and considerate to me. It's just his attitude towards me *to other people* that bothers me! #carytennis
10/29/09
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10/29/09
So, good job! And also, don't ever start thinking you're crazy--I've seen people rationalize their SO's behavior to themselves because they think in their brain that it's just caring, he's just concerned, he loves me a lot, etc, when they don't see until later how the fact that they needed to rationalize his behavior was a sign that his behavior was irrational. They had been so trained by our culture to mistrust their emotions (don't want to seem like a neurotic, hysterical woman, after all!), that even when they were having all the "run away! run away!" emotions they ignored them. Add that to the general feelings that abuse can cause, like not wanting to leave a person you love and have loved and are in a relationship with because of all the good times in the past, that abuse can escalate to extreme places before they realize and acknowledge to themselves that it's abuse.
Please take care of yourself! #carytennis
10/30/09
If abusers all started out crazy and violent, no one would ever get into relationships with them. It's because they can be so sweet and charming that people do get into relationships with them. #carytennis
10/29/09
10/29/09
In short, for a survivor of rape or abuse (and I speak as a member of both groups) it is so hard to try to be normal enough, especially if you feel self-conscious about it. What's normal? It gets warped.
And I wonder if this wife sort of resents her hubby for acting this way. #carytennis
10/29/09
And you, but others here have already covered that :) #carytennis
10/29/09
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10/29/09
I mean, it's one thing to be outraged over violence committed on someone you love. I know I have felt it on behalf of my mom and stepdad, both of whom were brutalized by their fathers, and I know others have felt it on behalf of me. But to brood over it for 20 years? When the woman has processed it and moved on? It indicates that all is not kosher in Rapist-Hating-Husband-Land, and if he isn't willing to seek therapy or even talk about this with someone other than an internet advice columnist, he is never going to be able to get through this. #carytennis
10/29/09
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