Born-into-stupidly-rich-and-famous-circumstances Jaden Smith, 15-year-old student at the Scientology-based New Village Leadership Academy (founded by Will and Jada) and part-time Teen Philosopher, is all, "We Don't Need No Education."

Carson Daly, massive tool, has joined The Today Show, ringing in a self-proclaimed "new era" of the program. He will enroll alongside the other mutants in the X-Academy: Matt Lauer, Savannah Guthrie, Al Roker, Natalie Morales, Hoda Kotb, Willie Geist and Kathie Lee Gifford. While we plebs associate Daly with…

Cannot. Stop. Watching.

So here's a thing! Zoe Saldana's Allure cover prints her weight like she's a slab of nova at the Zabar's fish counter. The dek under her name reads: "115 pounds of grit and heartache." (The rest of the dek: "—117.6 pounds after quinoa lunch; 114 pounds after bikram yoga, 0.00 pounds in space" — was cut for design…

Karma isn't real. Proof: Diddy created Danity Kane (never forget) and now he is being rewarded. He and Kate Upton have apparently been dating since late March, when the 20-year-old joined him in the VIP room of a club in Miami so they could smash their mouths together.

You guys. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, you guys. Last night Rihanna and Chris Brown kissed at the VMAs before he jumped onstage to accept an award for "Please Turn Up The Music," although he's supposedly still dating Karruche Tran. OH, and that time he beat the shit out of her three years ago and sent her to the hospital. That.

Madonna's 15-year-old daughter, Lourdes, was caught on camera smoking a cigarette, and Madonna is NOT happy about it. So how does a woman who has made her living by pushing the envelope discipline her daughter for doing the very same thing? So far it involves giving interviews about the incident, but Madonna might…

Animatronic Cardboard Boy Wonder Carson Daly made some tiny, tiny waves this week with his comments about Clayton Frederick Osbon, the JetBlue pilot who went bonkers during flight and started running around the cabin screaming about bombs and Jesus and "sins in Las Vegas" and taking a "leap of faith." The plane's…

• Miley Cyrus might make you want to puke: Hannah Montana Chocolate Granola Bars have been recalled due to suspected salmonella contamination. [Perez]

• Did Ellen DeGeneres try to trick Mariah Carey into admitting she's pregnant? Mariah was a guest on Ellen's show, and after Ellen asked and got a vague response, she busted out the champagne, saying, "You don't have to answer that. Let's just toast with champagne." Mariah got flustered and said, "I can't believe you…

• Brad Pitt was out with Zahara when a paparazzo got a leeetle bit too close. Brad grabbed the guy's collar and said, "Get the fuck away from me!" Oooh, AggroDaddy! [E!]
  
• The Spice Girls tour ends February 26 in Toronto and was fun while it lasted, but "probably won't happen ever again," Ginger says. Sorry, folks: You'll…

Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose womanly allure has been well chronicled, is no slouch in the dating department. She's been linked to hotties near and far, including talk show hosts Craig Ferguson [Yum. -Ed.], and Carson Daly, teen heartthrobs Joey Lawrence and Wilmer Valderrama, rising stars Patrick Wilson and Kip Pardue,…

The first beloved entertainer to break America's heart by defying the Writers Guild strike and solicit scabs is... Carson Daly. Huh? Oh yeah, Last Call — there's a show you were really pining for! Anyway, I had to Wikipedia Carson to fill up on all the biographical tidbits I'd missed in all those years passing him off…

[Pasadena, Calif; July 10. Image via Bauer-Griffin]