• Contrary to a report in the National Enquirer, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are not splitting up. In fact, they're in love. Imagine that! [Us Magazine]

• Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie has been named by Forbes as the "world's most powerful celebrity," stealing the top spot from (dun dun dun…) Oprah Winfrey.Forbes' Celebrity 100 power rankings are based on a combination of earning power and media exposure, and four out of the top five places are held by female stars: In addition to Angie and Oprah, there's Madonna and Beyoncé. Do it, ladies! [Telegraph]
• Interestingly, Forbes chose Beyoncé as their cover model. Maybe Angelina was too busy making out with Brad? [People]
• The Forbes "Celebrity 100" list is here. [Forbes, Forbes]
• Eminem speaks about the Bruno stunt: "Sacha called me when we were in Europe and he had an idea to do something outrageous at the Movie Awards. I'm a big fan of his work so I agreed to get involved with the gag… After the ceremony I went back to my hotel and laughed uncontrollably for about 3 hours. Especially after I saw it on air." [Rap Radar]
• Power ballad showcase showdown: Jake Gyllenhaal and Zac Efron are "neck and neck" to play the lead in the big-screen version of Broadway's Rock of Ages. [Gatecrasher]
• George Clooney is dating another waitress, this time she's an aspiring model in Miami. She looks really tall! [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• Ashlee Simpson "had to be restrained" at an event where she was drunk and told her husband Pete Wentz's ex — Michelle Trachtenberg : "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!" [Page Six]
• Did Susan Boyle lose Britain's Got Talent votes due to a YouTube scam? [Telegraph]
• Lindsay Lohan is following Sam Ronson around London, but it seems like every time LL arrives at a club where Samantha is hanging out, Sam leaves. Wonder why? [Daily Mail]
• Oliver Stone and Shia LaBeouf have made a deal: Shia will star in the Wall Street sequel. [Page Six]
• When he's out of town, Kate Hudson watches boyfriend Alex Rodriguez play ball on TV. [Page Six]
• Stephen Colbert will be guest-editing Newsweek's June 8 issue. Is that concept intriguing enough to get you to buy the magazine, at a time when print is flailing? [MSNBC Scoop]
• Oh shit, here comes the Adam Lambert smack-talk. A "source" says: "He is such a diva. Rude to everyone - from fans right down to the lighting folks." Clay Aiken, is that you? [MSNBC Scoop]
• Miley Cyrus fired United Talent, her agency, and will go with CAA instead. UTA had repped her on her Hannah Montana deals, but Miley is probably looking to "grow up." [Deadline Hollywood]
• Oh dear: Christina Ricci and boyfriend Owen Benjamin have called off their engagement, Sad face! In this report is the classic phrase, "They're definitely still friends." [People]
• Kim Kardashian says: "I am not engaged!!! My new publicist was talking with Star Magazine earlier today and accidently referred to Reggie as my fiance so they posted the news on their website! There have been so many rumors flying around recently about Reggie and I being engaged that she assumed we were! So, sorry Star Magazine for ruining your exclusive! It's totally my publicist's fault haha." [Kim Kardashian.Celebuzz.com]
• From a review of Britney Spears' concert in London: "The costumes are pretty skimpy and there's nowhere the set designers haven't contrived to put a pole for her to gyrate around. And yet there's something unsexy about all of it, possibly because there's something weirdly characterless about the woman at its centre: you'd happily trade some of the special effects for the sense of Spears actually engaging with her audience rather than slickly going through the motions." [Guardian]
• Britney's trying to sell her old house — she even dropped the price by about a million dollars — but no one's buying. People! This is the scene of the famous ambulance ride. Surely you want to… Never mind. [E!]
• LeAnn Rimes is accused of "stalking" Eddie Cibrian in the new Us, but in response to that allegation, she says: "You know what, I'm a classy woman, I'm never ever going to battle anything out in the press." And: "I can't control other people but I can control what I say and what I don't. I refuse to get down on any one else's level and I'm going to take the high road on everything." Okay then! [People]
• The stars of The Hangover — Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis — have a wacky, silly banter off the screen, as well. [USA Today]
• Real Housewives star Bethenny Frankel gave Caroline Kennedy a copy of her book, Naturally Thin. Surely, just what Caroline always wanted. [Gatecrasher]
• Eyeroll: Kristin Cavallari threw glitter at some models during a fashion show in St. Maarten and almost got in a fight, yawn. [Page Six]
• Mel Gibson's divorce — what with the real estate being held in trust for the kids and millions in the bank — is going to be messy. [TMZ]
• Mel Gibson's pregnant ladyfriend has an ex-husband who was married to her for five months. He says: "It's a period of my life that I would rather forget." Asked what his former wife was like, the man sniped, "You should ask all the other men - there were enough of them!" [Daily Express]
• While on break from shooting Dollhouse, Eliza Dushku visited Uganda and met with former child soldiers who are trying to reintegrate themselves back into society. "You learn so much that you would never be able to read in a book ... meeting people and hearing stories firsthand," Dushku says. "I can't bear to hear people say that they're bored in this day and age." [AP]
• Edie Falco says being the star of Nurse Jackie is different from playing Carmela on The Sopranos: "It really feels like changing careers in a way. [Sopranos creator David Chase] oversaw everything; we called him the master cylinder. We all had our input, but it ultimately trickled down to David alone in a room somewhere, I imagined, making all the decisions. I had trust in that. [But at Jackie], they're asking for my input on levels I've never been asked before. That's revelatory for me, and it takes a great deal of chutzpah, confidence, to be able to say that. I really am just an actress." [USA Today]
• Vanessa Hudgens and Mary-Kate Olsen will be in the teen romance film Beastly, a retelling of Beauty and the Beast. [Variety]
• "Stephen Fry and Ricky Gervais defend science writer sued for libel." [Telegraph]
• "Jude Law stuns the critics with a 'lucid, excellent' performance of Hamlet." [Daily Mail]
• Terrence Howard will develop a a TV drama based on the life of undercover LAPD detective Ronald Farwell, who infiltrated the Black Panthers. [Variety]
• Not-so-blind item: "Which rehabbed starlet is back in the tangled web of getting drunk every night?" [Gatecrasher]
• "It was just a comment that you make, the same comment when you're 12. He just made it when he was 38 or however old he is. They had a friend over last night who is gay. I have two gay brothers. It was not done with malice, because I know them. It was a slip of the tongue. His "uh-oh" moment. Let's give Joe his "uh-oh" moment. We all get them. The Joe I know has no phobias, has no discrimination, he has family members that are gay. He has friends that are gay. He welcomes and embraces my two brothers that are gay." — Caroline Manzo, of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, on Teresa's husband, Joe, calling someone "gaylord." [E!]
• "It did take a lot of work. I thought it was gonna drop off easily because I had been in shape my whole life, but it wasn't. I gained about 50 pounds with my twins, and the first 30 dropped off like that, and I was like, 'Ha, this is gonna be so easy.' That last 20 - that took a while." —Jennifer Lopez, on losing her "baby weight." [Mirror]
• "First of all, you gotta run them around before the bath. Play a game of hide and seek or wrestle or muck around. Then they're exhausted. Then we all fall asleep on the bed!" — Hugh Jackman's secret to getting the kids to go to sleep. [People]
• "I'm reaching out to Susan. She should hook up with me and [Catholic classical trio]The Priests. We would be the world's first gospel supergroup. I think it's horrible people have been making fun of her. Susan just wants to love Jesus and sing – it's cute. Only I can help her out of her meltdown." — Beth Ditto wants to hang with Susan Boyle. [The Sun]
• "Filming a scene that involves being entirely naked and takes a couple days can be a little awkward. Thankfully you're there for so long and you're doing it for so long that you dispense with the awkwardness pretty quickly and start to have mundane, normal conversations – the difference being you're not wearing pants." — Ryan Reynolds, on letting it all hang out in The Proposal. [People]
• "In the movies, you often see the average-looking guy with the incredibly attractive woman. In my movies you see the average-looking woman with the super hot John Corbett. I'm happy to make those movies for all of us women. Guess what? We need people like me on screen. That's what movies are. You go and escape for a sec." — Nia Vardalos, whose directorial debut, My Life In Ruins, opens tomorrow. [LA Times]
• "They are men. They have desires. They have testosterone. If they make a mistake, I'm not going to hate them. I don't think they are above or below being seduced. I would be foolish if I thought that. I pray for them." — Denise Jonas, mother of the Jonas Brothers, worries that your slutty Jezebel lifestyle includes tarnishing her purity-ring wearing sons. [MSNBC]

[New York, May 18. Image via Getty]

Check out the full photo set at The Official White House Photo Stream on Flickr.

The 32-page comic about Sarah Palin's rise from PTA president to vice presidential nominee, which sells for $3.99, is part of the company's "Female Force" series. A comic about Hillary Clinton was released yesterday and issues dedicated to Michelle Obama and Caroline Kennedy will be released later this year. Writer Neal Bailey said that while he wasn't originally a Clinton supporter, while researching and writing the book he came "to admire and be utterly fascinated by what is obviously the most underrated figure in modern history". As for Palin, two versions of the comic were written, but the ending in which she triumphantly assumes the vice presidency was tossed. [The Guardian, Media Bistro]

Buried in the 10th paragraph of writer Eric Wilson's "Thursday Styles" piece on the opening of Armani's new 5th Ave. flagship store, after the square feet and the years of construction and the annual company revenues, is the revelation that the designer's much-hyped dispatches from New York fashion week are not, in fact, entirely the perma-tanned Italian's own work. Anyone who imagined Armani coming home in the pre-dawn hours to his Upper West Side pied-à-terre from some fashion after-party only to dutifully type his impressions into a little gray text editor should take note: his blogging is all "as told to J. J. Martin, a freelance journalist."

But it might not be a clear-cut case of Lydia Hearstism. Armani is somewhat less than proficient in spoken English, and conducts his English-language interviews via interpreter. It would be strange indeed if he were suddenly able to blog daily in flawless English prose. (After a rocky start where he criticized Americans' pasta, window coverings, and what we wear to night clubs, Armani has gone on to recount his first trip to the Bronx, where he opened a new arts center with Caroline Kennedy before riding the subway back downtown, and dished about his star-studded store opening on Tuesday night.)

J. J. Martin has contributed to The Moment before, always from Milan. If Martin speaks Italian, it wouldn't be an unusual choice for the Times to hook him up with Armani. But Wilson's phrasing "as told to" suggests that Martin's role exceeds that of a translator. All of Armani's columns have appeared under his sole byline.

It's not entirely clear what Martin's involvement is or who exactly writes these posts — does Armani dictate them in Italian and give Martin license to edit freely? Does Martin interview Armani and collect his thoughts into posts wholesale? Is he a garden variety ghost writer? If so, why aren't Martin's contributions acknowledged with any kind of byline credit? More than anything, we wonder why it took the Times days to explain how a non-English-speaking designer could guest-write for one of the publication's most-beloved blogs.

Giorgio Armani Opens A New Store On Fifth Avenue [NY Times]
Posts To 'The Moment' Authored By Giorgio Armani [The Moment]
Posts To 'The Moment' Authored By J. J. Martin [The Moment]

Related: Lydia Hearst Doesn't Write Her Own Columns [Gawker]

It cannot be denied that female and male politicians are treated differently: women are subjected to a different kind of scrutiny, are taken less seriously, and oftentimes do indeed find themselves butting against a glass ceiling. Says the Washington Post, "Like Hillary Rodham Clinton and Sarah Palin before her, Kennedy illustrated what some say is an enduring double standard in the handling of ambitious female office-seekers. Even as more women step forward as contenders for premier political jobs, observers say, few seem able to get there." The New York Times' Susan Dominus adds that Kennedy was doubly-cursed: as a middle-aged woman attempting to re-enter the workforce, she could have been a powerful role model. "Not only would a Senate appointment make clear that possibility, but Ms. Kennedy would have the chance to prove, by demonstrating competency or even excellence once in office, that sometimes it’s worth taking a risk bestowing a plum assignment on a smart, well-educated woman whose experience doesn’t perfectly line up on the résumé."

But...she's not like Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin before her. They had both worked in politics. Even Palin's resume — which was found risible a few months ago — is, politically, a phone book by comparison. Being a United States senator is not a trainee job, especially not in the shape this country is in. Caroline Kennedy is a woman who has never held office — or even much employment. Is she smart, likable, appealing? Sure. But would her name have been mentioned did she not have the magical aura of Camelot? Of course not. If anything, she was treated with an excess of courtesy. Take her dropping out because of family issues. Says Dominus, "If a male political contender had said that, everyone would have just dismissed it as the laziest of lines, a tired cliché that practically announces dirty laundry. When a woman says it, it seems at least plausible, but also a confirmation of the suspicion that women who spent their 30s on family probably will never really be able to put a career first." What? If anyone but Kennedy had said it, it would have been met with all the skepticism of Jeremy Piven's mercury levels, rather than grave respect. It's a valid point to suggest, as the Post does, that Kennedy's being penalized for a lack of experience grounded in very gender-based choices: she raised a family and now she's not getting a fair shake. I agree this is a fascinating line of inquiry and a real issue: but the fact remains that a senatorial seat is not academic. Putting someone unqualified in the position would do nothing to redress this issue, and would in fact make things look substantially easier than they are for those women who have to claw their way back into the workforce by sheer grit and determination.

In fact, I find arguments that Caroline Kennedy didn't succeed because she's a woman deeply offensive. Is any token woman good enough for people, then? There are hundreds of qualified, intelligent, experienced women — two New York politicians spring to mind — who can compete on any playing field. To suggest that Caroline Kennedy is not today a New York senator because of her sex is an insult to them — to Kirsten Gillibrand — and to the rest of us.

Does A Glass Ceiling Persist In Politics? [Washington Post]
Coming Up Short As A Role Model For The Mommy Track [New York Times]

After nearly twenty-four hours of speculation that Caroline Kennedy dropped out of the running for Hillary Clinton's seat because she knew she wouldn't get it, one of the crack reporters at the New York Times who Kennedy recently insulted as being better for the ladymag beat, Nicholas Confessore, reported yesterday that it's actually because she's got some nanny and tax issues. Whoops. Although, given Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner's recent approval by the Senate Finance Committee despite his tax and nanny issues — let alone her time vetting folks as part of Obama's VP search team — you might understand why she thought it might not be a big deal. Hmm, different rules for men and women? How progressive.

But Kennedy is out and, reportedly, upstate New York Congresswoman Kirsten Gillibrand is in. She's actually somewhat of a strange choice, since the Democrats will have some trouble holding her district in a special election — and since New York is likely to lose two seats (probably from upstate) in the next redistricting, it'll be even harder to keep it Democratic in 2012. But she's also facing opposition because she's a rather conservative Democrat on issues from guns to LGBT equality — and a conservative Dem when Paterson had Carolyn Maloney waiting in the wings. Strange choice for his part — but at least you can't say that it's because she's easier on the eyes.

In other news, Barack Obama is set to lift the global gag rule "soon," though, for political reasons and so as not to piss of the fundies, he didn't do it on yesterday's Roe anniversary as Bill Clinton did. Of course, every extra day he waits is another day it stays in effect, so... um, let's get on that, mm-kay? I mean, he'll have at least until next week to sign the Ledbetter Act into law (it passed the Senate yesterday, but they changed some wording so it'll have to pass the House again) and you know he's not going to do two big feminist agenda items in a week, so this seems like a good week to get the gag rule done. Unless he's too busy "fisting" Michelle, as a Fox News body language expert who apparently had Monty Python-esque sex education called the Obama's fist-bumping habit:




But it's probably the Fox News viewers who make up the 25% of Americans that thought Obama was a Muslim on Election Day, so we probably shouldn't tell them was fisting really is lest we lose yet another reason to laugh at them.

Besides bringing fisting to the American conversation, Obama is bringing daily economic briefings to the White House to reassure everyone that he's on top of the issue, since surely he knows that the only thing that changes faster than the economy are tectonic plates. But when you heard it, you felt reassured, right? Hang a "Mission Accomplished" banner on Wall Street, then, the good times, they are a-comin'.

The good times are also coming for everyone but Hilda Solis, who's nomination to the Department of Labor is being stalled by Republicans over fears she'll make it easier for workers to unionize (hint: she will, that's part of why Obama got elected), and Lisa Jackson, whose nomination Senator John Barrasso is totally not anonymously holding up, that's someone else. Well, and the guy in New York who makes the "Drunken Negro Face" cookies and predicts Obama and Lincoln will soon have a lot in common. We're guessing he's gonna have some words with some big dudes in suits with earpieces. We're just sad it's not Hugo Weaving and his bug.

Anti-gay bigots are back in court in California this week, and not to defend against the suits that seek to overturn Proposition 8 or even to meet the kind of people that will invite them to the gay orgies they know are going on but swear they don't want to go to. They're in court to try to get the court to overturn California's open records laws on political donations that require all contributions in excess of $100 be disclosed. Although the federal contribution disclosure standard is $200, conserva-lawyer James Bopp — once literally laughed out of court — says that the standard should be way higher to prevent bigoted donors from being identified publicly as bigots and being subjected to harassment campaigns — like boycotts by LGBT people and their supporters who don't want our money funding bigots or their bigoted political causes. Boo fucking hoo.

In other news, both African-Americans and white Americans seem to think that racism is less of a problem in this country on the whole than it was 15 years ago, though more white people than black people think that blacks have achieved racial equality and don't have any problems anymore. I guess that's because race had no apparent effect on the election so, since Barack didn't "suffer" from racism no black person does anymore. Yay equality.

Obama is, however, having a worse time of it in Congress than anyone suspected, with significant differences between his stimulus plans and Nancy Pelosi's ideas continuing to spill out in public. And if it weren't bad enough that Pelosi wants to repeal Bush's tax cuts now and Obama wants to wait for them to expire next year, the media insists on drumming up this big rift because it's more interesting if it's a fight rather than a boring disagreement on mundane tax policy. They also disagree about whether to investigate Bush and his Administration over everything that has ever happened, but that's good because it will allow Obama to keep his hands clean and call for unity up until the House investigations that were always going to happen anyway unearth something prosecutable, at which point Obama can with great sadness appoint a special prosecutor and let the games begin.

Speaking of games, Rod Blagojevich has asked his lead lawyer not to show up for his impeachment trial next week because Ed Genson thinks it might be a bad idea to call the trial "a lynching," which (and I never thought I'd say this), good for Ed Genson. Everyone is freaking out about who New York Governor David Paterson will appoint to take over Hillary Clinton's seat this week and the Obama camp is unofficially officially behind Caroline Kennedy but Paterson is still thinking about some new info that has come to light. And that pilot guy that ditched the plane in the Hudson River last week will be at the inauguration of Barack Obama this week with his family in what will no doubt be many of this Administration's cribbing from former Presidents' PR playbooks.

On the international front, the Iraqi shoe-thrower is looking for asylum in Switzerland because he's fine throwing his shoes at a world leader on camera and less fine with paying the consequences for it. North Korea has finally admitted that it's got enough weapons grade plutonium for 4-5 nukes which they totally promise not to use on Alaska as long as Obama gives them lots of other cool shit with which to occupy their time in between figuring out how to starve their own people more efficiently and mint more fake U.S. currency. Gaza is pretty well fucked up but, as I predicted, Israel has signed a cease-fire and is starting to withdraw its troops just in time for Obama's inauguration tomorrow. That's change, if not exactly progress.

New York is apparently awash in rumors that Vogue editrix Anna Wintour is in the running to be named the U.S. Ambassador to France which were all sparked by a terse "No comment" by the Obama team to an out-of-the-blue inquiry by Page Six Magazine. Of course, with relations with Iran high on the agenda and a 225+ year relationship to repair (they backed us in the Revolutionary War, remember?), the natural choice for the brainiac Obama Administration would be a fashion magazine editor all but pilloried in the book and movie The Devil Wears Prada. Also, naturally, Hillary Clinton — who rather famously backed out of appearing in Vogue last year and then was herself pilloried by La Wintour — would have nothing to say about it either. Either way, it's slightly more believable that the new Spider-Man storyline featuring Obama, his imposter and Spidey at the Inauguration (though such an occurrence might make that worth attending). And it's way more plausible that Levi Johnston's addict mother Sheri's story that she got addicted to oxy after her hysterectomy and that's why she was selling it. Honey, we've all watched Intervention, and we're not buying.

Sheri's co-grandparent is back in the news (one might say she never left), having made a video for a right-wing nutjob about how the media — as opposed to millions of unReal Americans — elected Obama. Sadly, I have to agree that it is probably legitimately upsetting as a parent to be accused of not giving birth to your own child and to have it suggested that you are forcing your daughter to marry. I'm also a little concerned that I find myself agreeing that Caroline Kennedy, despite having been potentially deemed unqualified, isn't facing that same level and kind of criticism and when Sarah Palin said "there is a class issue here," I went, yeah, actually, there's kind of is and maybe that is part of the crap she took. But maybe I just need coffee.

David Paterson isn't as concerned about Caroline Kennedy's money as he is about her "pluses and minuses", which he identifies as her relationship with Obama and her lack of legislative experience, respectively. He thinks he's got "10 to 15 good candidates" to look at appointing, including the ones who turned in their mega-disclosure forms (which Andrew "Shucking And Jiving Is Not A Racist Term" Cuomo isn't saying whether he did or not but he so did).

Obama is already in trouble with the legislative branch, having only just barely left it and not yet joined the executive, over his stimulus package because that thing where Republicans say that Democrats hate tax cuts? Yeah, it turns out that's kind of true. Whoops. Obama's the only one that's got that change you said you wanted to believe in, but Tim Geithner is planning on changing the bail-out's focus from giving money to Henry Paulson's personal friends to giving it to people that are fucked by Henry Paulson's personal friends, so there's that anyway.

Other people fucked by this economy are Norm Coleman, who's about to be unemployed and has been locked out of his damn office, and noted torture advocate Alberto Gonzales, who for some strange reason can't find a job! It must be the economy. I mean, at least he's not saying that white people are more racist than they think they are and help perpetuate racism by not confronting it in other white people, though that's totally true. Bobby Rush would probably use that to try to get Roland Burris seated, but, then, actually, unsurprisingly it turns out that Roland Burris was all up in the shit with one of Blago's pet lobbyists/bribers named in his indictment like I've pretty much been saying for the last week. Whoops.

Also up in the shit are the Israelis, who are now accused of bombing people they successfully evacuated first, killing relief workers and continuing to fight despite the supposed cease-fire. But there's only 11 days until Obama is inaugurated and they have to finish their important work by then or they might be credibly asked to stop doing bad things by an American president! Who, in fact, has already said he might talk to Hamas and mended fences with Anne Hathaway.

(Only, you know, with fewer guests, and, since I don't manicure as regularly as Barbra Streisand, with way worse cuticles.)

The thing about politics, like the news in general, is that it's subject to the butterfly effect and, no, I'm not talking about that shitty movie with Ashton Kutcher. Some minor news story one day takes down a politician the next which, of course, brings us to the death of Bill Richardson's cabinet appointment. Not even a month ago, there was a little-noticed story about how a federal grand jury was investigating possible pay-for-play with contracts in New Mexico and just about everyone yawned and figured Richardson and Obama's vetters weren't that stupid and went back to Christmas shopping. Everyone was just focusing on Blago and the smoking-hot Patrick Fitzgerald and how no one could possibly be stupid enough to accept a Blagojevich appointment to the Senate until, of course, Roland Burris, who now considers himself the junior Senator from Illinois, did.

And, let's stop and talk for just a second about Roland Burris, whose zeal for higher office has never once been thwarted by a desire to do what was, you know, right. Just ask Rolando Cruz, who sacrificed more than a decade of his own life at the altar of Burris' political ambitions — let alone two of Burris' own prosecutors who quit rather than do something they knew was wrong. Harry Reid might faux-fight that shit all he wants (which, given that it's Harry Reid, isn't much — the man would rather watch a few boxing matches on the industry's dime than get all pugilistic up in the Senate). Burris knows he played by the rules and bought that seat fair and square just like he bought those contracts from the Blago administration and he's going to take his rightful place by hook, crook, lawsuit or race card, because that's how "vetting" is done in Chicago.

But back to Chicago, which Obama left yesterday with a tear in his eye, leaving his staff claiming that Richardson stonewalled them on the pay-for-play case — which begs the question: why did you then let him have the job, idiots? Even letting loose the info that Virginia Governor Tim Kaine, once thought a potential VP candidate, is only getting the DNC Chairmanship as his consolation prize (note to others: don't talk about Axelrod's combover) isnt' going to stop the Richardson trainwreck, especially as he's withdrawing from the Obama Administration and returning to run his own.

His state, like most of 'em, is probably deep in the hole and they'd like a trillion dollars from the federal government or else they've got these mutated, ill-tempered sea bass with fricking laser beams on their foreheads, see? And the overseer of the financial crisis might want to steer clear of state capitals once he loses that Secret Service Protection in 10 years because sea bass and governors tend to live for a while (everywhere but in Virginia, where Tim Kaine is about to be term-limited out anyway).

But there are some people that will be coming to Washington, including Al Franken, who will supposedly be declared the winner of the Minnesota Senate race today and Denver school superintendent Michael Bennet, who is reportedly Colorado Governor Bill Ritter's choice to replace Ken Salazar in the Senate. New York Governor David Paterson is still denying that Caroline Kennedy is the front-runner to replace Hillary Clinton in the Senate despite Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver flip-flopping on Kennedy last week for just that reason, so either her people have plants in the governor's office leaking this or it's all just a big show on Paterson's part to make him look so pressured that he doesn't have another choice. She might be able to make nice with either Harvard law dean Elena Kagan or Stanford law dean Kathleen Sullivan, both of whom are tops on the short list for Solicitor General and either of whom would be the first woman to hold the position.

In the meantime, troopers are alleging that the investigation into Levi Johnston's Oxy-Mom was delayed for political reasons, a bunch of anti-Bush activists are forced to cope with the fact that one of their own was an FBI plant, which makes me wonder after last spring's Elle story of another FBI plant how many anarchists we really have who aren't working for the federal government. There's also another sketchy Bill Clinton donor story out there which should make for 3 minutes of questioning during Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearings next month, assassinated Pakistani politician Benazir Bhutto's daughter has a new rap song out which is probably more ripe for parody than Rachel Maddow but SNL's Michaela Watkins of the terrible Arianna impression will try one anyway.

Oh, and not to be trumped by the damn Bidens, the Obamas will be getting their girls two puppies, too, and someone will be having a very stern talk with Joe about upstaging the boss.

JASON: Hey!

MEGAN: Mornin', starshine.

JASON: Yes. The earth says hello. I am so fucking tired from the holidays. At some point, yesterday night, I hit the wall.

MEGAN: I'm tired from all the drinking I've done since the end of 'em.

JASON: Erin Burnett is on teevee right now, and she needs to run her hands through her hair. She's got a rogue tendril.

MEGAN: She has such generally pretty hair.

JASON: She also needs to learn what tweed is.

MEGAN: I think tweed is something you don't wear on TV, no?

JASON: I can definitely see the appeal now, in turning Crappy Hour into one big, Let's All Watch Morning Joe Together celebration. I wouldn't wear tweed on teevee. But I wouldn't wear tweed anywhere.

MEGAN: Well, I feel like I learned that tight patterns like that end up looking wonky, but maybe they don't in HD? Not that I have HD. But I do have tweed.

JASON: So, is this thing on? Are we Crappy Houring, even as we speak? Should I say something societally relevant? Because it's getting pretty HECTIC out there, isn't it?

MEGAN: We could say something relevant, but then there would have to be something relevant going on.

JASON: Well, I speak of the goings on in the Holy Land. I think that Rick Warren needs to go to Israel, and unite everyone!

MEGAN: And, see, I thought you were talking about the furor over Chip Saltsman and his CD featuring "Barack The Magic Negro". Gaza is probably more important .

JASON: Jesus. Chip Saltzman, humorist. Bringing back the Algonquin Round Table, is he.

MEGAN: But now that Peter, of Peter, Paul and Mary has spoken out against it, I'm sure everyone will totally stop talking about it.

JASON: Honestly? Those words I typed just now? That's the first time I've talked about it.

MEGAN: Was it appropriately cathartic?

JASON: I mean, how do you solve a problem like Chip Saltzman? Honestly? You know, better people than him have hung themselves with their words. Sometimes I think about the day where maybe I go too far. There's a part of me that wants to be in a place where you're writing on the razor's edge, but chastened by the need to know where that line is, and I allow myself to think, for a second, "Well, you know, one slip, and maybe I end up where a guy like Chip Saltzman is." And then I stop and realize that the very fact that I entertain these thoughts, indeed, ANY THOUGHTS AT ALL...the very fact that right now ACTUAL BRAIN CHEMISTRY IS PHYSIOLOGICALLY OCCURRING IN MY SKULL...THAT'S what separates me from people like Chip Saltzman.

MEGAN: Well, I mean, his medulla oblongata has to be functioning for him to breathe, but I'm sure it takes some time and effort for him and, on behalf of those of us that use other parts of our brains for things other than keeping our skulls from collapsing, I'd invite him to not worry too hard about putting that much effort into it.

JASON: I think that Malcolm Gladwell needs to write the obvious follow-up to OUTLIERS. Instead of a book about extraordinary minds, someone needs to do an academic study of imbeciles. The book can be called DUMBASSES. In fact, fuck Malcolm Gladwell. Okay? That can be OUR book. Call your literary agent. The first chapter of DUMBASSES can be a profile of whoever it is that's allowing Malcolm Gladwell to go out in public with that goddamn haircut. Is he not paying attention to what's going on with Phil Spector?

MEGAN: Is Phil Spector paying attention to what's going on with Phil Spector?

JASON: Probably not.

MEGAN: Anyway, back to the news that Israel is bombing Gaza again. Does it strike you that, like with Pakistan, they seem to be pulling this shit because Bush is lame ducking it up and Change isn't in office yet so they don't have to be good? And then do you say to yourself, wow, I just compared Israel and Pakistan and that's probably not a good thing for Israel?

JASON: I think you are pretty spot on, there. I mean, Joe Biden warned everyone! These are those tests. And I seem to recall that the second Intifada coincided with our last Presidential handover. Correct me if I'm wrong, of course. You know, I'm Crappy Houring without a net, here! Mere steps from singing an addled song, about racism! BUT! More to the point, I love the NEW YORK TIMES headline today, "Obama Defers to Bush, for Now, on Gaza Crisis." Just in case anyone expected Obama to, you know, SEIZE POWER. What's funny is that all of Obama's deference is a rare example of a prominent American actually making the bold suggestion that Bush start taking his Presidency seriously!

MEGAN: Maybe since he's like the Middle East Manchurian candidate from Muslimastan or whatever those countries over there are called, the Israeli bombing of Gaza was actually designed to give him a way to illegally seize the reins of political power and thus allow the Jews to control the country only he's an Arab and it's really harder than the crazies make it look to come up with semi-coherent conspiracy theories on the fly, which is I guess why they are reduced to making racist parodies of children's songs about pot smoking.

JASON: Condi Rice, for example, has drawn the short straw in selling the Bush legacy. This weekend, she said something to the effect that a President cannot make decisions based on short term newspaper headlines. Rather, they have to consider how history will remember the decisions. My position is this: HEY! FUCKTARD! Why don't you...I don't know...SPLIT THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE MAYBE?

MEGAN: Um, really? Did President Bush decide to mislead the country to war with Iraq because he honestly thought that history's judgment was that it would be all okay? Or because he figured no one would notice? Actually, speaking of how no one would notice, the Israeli government declared Gaza a closed military zone in advance of its likely ground war there which means reporters can't get near it but they aren't trying to hide anything, they swear.

A military spokeswoman, Maj. Avital Leibovich, said the closed zone around Gaza had mostly to do with concerns of safety. She said the military had information that Hamas may employ either suicide bombers or more powerful missiles from the border area and it wanted to clear the area. She said she was sure journalists would be permitted to return.

“No one is trying to hide anything,” she said.

You know, in case you were worried that the restrictions on press coverage of a war [cough, Iraq and Afghanistan, cough] would mean people would get less upset about it. They're not trying to hide anything! Trust them!

JASON: Well, as we've learned from Jenin, reporters have to be careful what they even observe! If you see the wrong thing, you could be an anti-Semite! Best to be like Marty Peretz, dancing on the graves of children who died before they had a goddamn choice, grabbing up tight on his chub and exclaiming, "THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR FUCKING WITH US!"

MEGAN: And even when he grabs up tight on his chub, he's got three extra fingers to gesticulate wildly with.

JASON: Ha. Exactly. There's so much to hate about the entire situation. The partners range from bad to worse. When Hamas isn't terrorizing Israel, they're terrorizing their own. We're heavily invested in this peace process, and for a long time now, we've been upside down on our investment. We can't seem to elevate anyone, anywhere, on either side that's interested in ending this brutality. And I am pretty sure I won't live to see the end of this. I'm pretty sure I won't live to see the end of our involvement in this. There are plenty of days when I think it's Gordian's Knot time.

MEGAN: I actually think that the lack of substantive attention paid to Israel and Palestine as well as their initial divestment of attention to North Korea's nuclear ambitions will be ranked by history as two of this Administrations biggest foreign policy blunders, to go back to Condi's point about how they won't be pushed by headlines, though the Iraq war gets more press (and Administration) attention.

JASON: I think that's a pretty good point. In the former case, the Bush administration poured some effort into ACTIVITY. Like: "Hey! Maybe we need to do some busy-work on the Israeli peace process." They knew that all that irrelevant activity would get treated as achievement by the press. On the North Korea front, I am always struck by how quickly they played politics with the matter. "Yeah! But Madeleine Albright didn't solve the problem either!"

MEGAN: Anyway, while we're at this, we should probably mention Caroline Kennedy's New York Times interview, in which she insulted their reporters by asking if they worked for women's magazines.

But when asked Saturday morning to describe the moment she decided to seek the Senate seat, Ms. Kennedy seemed irritated by the question and said she couldn’t recall.

“Have you guys ever thought about writing for, like, a woman’s magazine or something?” she asked the reporters. “I thought you were the crack political team.”

Actually, I worked for the blog of a women's magazine for, like, 9 months — Glamour, you'll recall — and my editors there were, to a woman, incredibly smart, extremely nice and plenty politically aware.

JASON: I wonder what would happen if she answered that question honestly. "Oh, well, I was advised that I could easily obtain the seat, and the opportunity it presented, relative to the difficulty of obtaining it, had a lot of appeal!" It's a little hilarious how this has turned into some sort of a campaign. I mean, David Patterson could appoint Spitzer's hooker-booker to the seat! And I'd support that! She's a UVa. English major, and our department could always use some prominent graduates. And let's face it, most UVa. English majors could do a lot worse than becoming a booker for a high-priced call girl agency.

MEGAN: English majors, I think, have more skills than, say, people who double-majored in German lit and Sociology, which is why you are a full-time blogger and I am about to only be part-time. But, I did grow up in upstate New York, would happily pretend to move back and know enough about politics to not be bitchy to reporters at the New York Times. So I am officially declaring my intention to start a campaign to be appointed to Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. I'll even let Chuck Schumer hog the spotlight.

JASON: I think that Caroline Kennedy's suffered from a little bit of cart-before-the-horse-itis, and a little bit of a press seizing the opportunity to zero the balance with everyone who thought they were too hard on Sarah Palin. At the same time, Kennedy's been shown to be really unprepared for this limelight, and she's leaving poor impressions. She's not made a slam-dunk case for herself, but, honestly, you still cannot look at her and say, "Oh, yeah, she'd be a terrible U.S. Senator...she'd fuck things up royally." I think the lesson here is that sometimes, everyone in the room is a little bit wrong. It's like Israel-Palestine, only fewer people will die in airstrikes.

MEGAN: It's the Senate. What can you really fuck up? The whole point is that you can't ever get anything done and then you die in office.

JASON: Right. I mean, for Robert Byrd, the Senate is just a fancy-ass hospice.

MEGAN: I don't need to think about Robert Byrd's fancy ass.

JASON: Your future New York constituents would be pleased by that.

MEGAN: It's a large part of my platform.

• Some men grow beards in their 20s, even if they are actual royalty (we know that we already did a Snap Judgment of ol' beardo, but Will's beard deserves a double post). [Huffington Post]

• It's still winter and the weather is doing winter-y things. [Huffington Post]
• The economy still sucks. [Wall Street Journal]
• Some Republicans like Bobby Jindal won't run in 2012 if Barack Obama isn't the worst President in this history of the universe because they prefer to win. [Politico]
• Obama isn't going to Iraq before the Inauguration, which means he's probably going after. [Washington Post]
• Other countries are realizing that throwing more money at the world economic crisis is just throwing good money after bad. [NY Times]
• Caroline Kennedy realizes that she has to talk to the media to get David Paterson to appoint her to Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. [Huffington Post]
• Water inevitably wet.
• Paint perpetually dries slowly.
• Down remains down and up remains up.
• Gravity is still in effect.
• The Earth continues to revolve around the sun
• There's never much newsworthy to talk about the day after Christmas.

Born long after the days of Camelot, younger voters, though familiar with the famous Kennedy name, can't quite place Caroline in the grand scheme of things. The NY Times interviewed several twenty-somethings who weren't sure if Caroline was, as 23 year old Bess Goden put it, "a Kennedy Kennedy, or is this one of the cousins?"

Unlike my 58 year old Massachusetts born Irish Catholic mother, who practically bursts into tears each time Caroline Kennedy shows up on the screen, younger voters don't have the same sentimental connection with the woman who was once the first daughter. And voters in my mother's age group don't necessarily share her sentimental view of the Camelot years. "“The Kennedys — don’t get me started,” Tom Gorey, 60, tells the Times “I think they ruined the country.”

Yet whether or not you care for the Kennedys as a whole, isn't it a bit weird that some people don't know that Caroline Kennedy is JFK's daughter? College senior Michelle Kuhns seemed stumped by the question: “I don’t know who her father is, but if you told me, I bet I would know,” she says, “I’ve heard the name, yes. But that’s it.”

And to those who do remember the Kennedys, it seems that Caroline's biggest challenge isn't living up to or running from the public's perception of her father, but from the "What ifs" that surround her late brother, John F. Kennedy, Jr. “I was looking forward to him,” says Doreen Hourigan, 40. “His passing was tragic.” Chiara Veltri, 27, agreed: “When I was a kid, I really loved him. He had such charisma, and you could tell he was a nice guy.”

Perhaps the separation from her famous family is a good thing for Caroline: if she is appointed and faced with a Senate run in 2010, younger voters may look more toward her platform (which includes support for gay marriage, not requiring minors to obtain parental consent before obtaining an abortion, and strong support for gun control) instead of looking at her last name, though that last name, whether younger voters can pinpoint it or not, will still be a major factor in her visibility, fundraising, and place in American politics.

Kennedy Offers Hints Of Platform, And A Few Surprises [New York Times]
Q & A: Caroline Kennedy's Platform [New York Times]
The Young Know Caroline's A Kennedy, But Which One?[New York Times]

• The Bidens plan to add to their household by getting another puppy from the pound. Double puppy snuggles! [Huffington Post]

• Rod Blagojevich says he's, like, totally innocent and is definitely not going to resign so that he has something to offer prosecutors in his eventual plea deal [Politico]
• Hillary's pay cut is final. [CNN]
• In better news, she might create a post at the State Department for Iran outreach, without even insisting that Iran accede to all our demands first [Washington Independent]
• Plenty of people seem to be ticked about Ron Kirk's appointment to USTR because he's not anti-trade enough. [The Hill]
• James Carville is trying to get more donations for Media Matters, since it's difficult to raise money in this economic climate, and is using the conservatives linking Obama and Blagojevich to do it. [The Hill]
• Al Sharpton is defending the selection of Rick Warren to say a prayer at the inauguration, since he hasn't gotten enough media attention by meeting with Caroline Kennedy this week. [Huffington Post]
• Al Franken is up in the Minnesota Senate recount, though, which might end by 2010. [Think Progress]
• Bush unveiled his auto bailout, but Ford's not opting in [BBC]
• The National Portrait Gallery unveiled the portraits of George and Laura Bush. Laura's got some sort of soft focus thing going on that Barbara Walters hopes to patent in film-format soon. [National Portrait Gallery]

• Batty conservative Michael Savage thinks Caroline Kennedy ought to watch her back since Hillary Clinton killed her brother John. We think she should watch out for batshit crazy conservatives. [Media Matters]

• But New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo — a reported competitor for the seat — might harbor a teeny crush on Caroline. [Politico]
• Barack Obama's next appointment is likely to be Republican Congressman Ray LaHood to be the next Secretary of Transportation. [Huffington Post]
• Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has appointed defeated New Hampshire Senator John Sununu to the oversight board for the financial bail-out so that Johnny doesn't have to go live in New Hampshire or anything. [Politico]
• Tabloid-esque biographer Andrew Morton is shopping a book proposal on Michelle Obama but he's not having much luck. [The First Post]
• Former CIA Director George Tenent is: an anti-Semite, possibly a drunk; definitely short-sighted when it came to being sold out by the Bush Administration. [Think Progress]
• Big surprise: the whole "trickle down" effect we were supposed to see from the government throwing wads of cash at the banks? Not happening. They're just hoarding and giving out bonuses and taking expensive staff retreats. [LA Times]
• Egyptian Saad Gumaa has offered his daughter, Amal Saad Gumaa, to the guy who threw the shoe at President Bush, Muntazer al-Zaidi. She considers al-Zaidi a hero; her father considers her the most valuable thing he could offer al-Zaidi; we continue to think that women are more than chattel. [Reuters]
• Aretha Franklin will sing and Itzhak Perlman and Yo-Yo Ma will perform a selection composed by John WIlliams at the swearing-in ceremony at Obama's Inauguration. We assume that neither Dr. Feelgood or The Imperial March will make an appearance. [Huffington Post]

• Enough states' electors have cast ballots for Obama by now that, today, he was officially elected President of the United States. [MSNBC]

• He then celebrated by announcing his intention to make Nobel-winner Steven Chu the Secretary of Energy, Lisa Jackson the EPA Administration and Carol Browner to lead a White House council on climate change. [MSNBC]
• He might also make Arne Duncan, the superintendent of the Chicago school system, his secretary of education. [NY Times]
• He was going to release the results of an internal report that showed that no one had anything inappropriate to do with corrupt Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, but U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald asked him not to. [Huffington Post, Time]
• Joe Biden tapped Time's Washington bureau chief, Jay Carney, for his communications director. [Politico]
• Caroline Kennedy has decided she does really want to be the next Senator from New York, and even called Al Sharpton for his blessing or whatever it is you get from Al Sharpton. [Huffington Post, Politico]
• Meanwhile, Lori Drew is still trying to get the charges against her dismissed. [Wired]
• And a 4-year-old broke into a toy store to play with some toys. [Breitbart]

I made the Huffington Post's Jason Linkins wait for far too long for that joke, and to discuss Terry McAuliffe, the Moran dynasty, Silvestre Reyes' stunning stupidity and how Bobby Jindal is or is not running for President.

MEGAN: Well, there's nothing like getting on the wrong subway and walking 15 blocks in the rain without an umbrella before you drink any coffee to make for a shit day.

JASON: Hey I can imagine.

MEGAN: So, was it you who asked Mamet for his take on Blagojevich? Because it's awesome.

JASON: No! But, yes, that was pretty awesome.

MEGAN: No one is more Mamet than Mamet. Did I mention I had to read Oleanna in college? It seemed like a weird book for a young male professor to assign.

• • • • • 17 minutes • • • • •

MEGAN: Seriously, I think the universe has decided that Crappy Hour is crap today. Let's try and go fast before my broadband card decides it needs to reboot again

JASON: OK. So. Where were we?

MEGAN: I was talking about my hot creative writing professor, George. I always got sidetracked by George.

JASON: OK. I had a hot Art History T.A. that was always a distraction to me.

MEGAN: Anyway, so, Bobby Jindal is supposedly probably definitely not running for President. I think that's a smart move.

JASON: I think probably Bobby Jindal isn't totally not NOT running for President? And that I think just about everyone is in that state of maybe probably sort of not NOT not considering it? And yet visiting Iowa for some reason? Anyway, I think it's a smart move to have press releases out there with the word "president" next to your name.

MEGAN: Especially when you're just randomly going to Virginia to endorse some dude for Governor. Because your name has, like, that much cache. But not because you're maybe running for President. Because you're not. At least, not right now, 3 years and 11 months from the next election. Not that you're thinking about that.

JASON: Ahh. The Virginia governor race. This is what Terry McAuliffe thinks he wants to do with his life.

MEGAN: I think that's kind of hilarious, actually. Terry McAuliffe would make Virginia fun. Way funner than Brian Moran. We could blog about state politics and people might actually read it!

JASON: It's Jim Moran. And a plague of weasels would be about as much fun as him. He's like a sad pile of sweaty cheese. He was a supporter of one of the professional theatres I worked at back in the day, so I've had the joy of seeing him stone asleep in the front row. Does wonders for morale! There are wide swathes of Virginia that are going to look at Terry McAuliffe and see something totally alien to their existence.

MEGAN: No, actually, Jim's brother Brian, a state rep, is running for Governor. Jim Moran's going to be our Congressman for life. Terry McAuliffe, though, is pretty alien-looking.

JASON: EEGGGGHHHH. This fucking state.

MEGAN: It's the Moran dynasty! Only Brian is either not as corrupt and racist as his brother, or is smart enough not to get caught. I've got my suspicions, but I find it hard to call a politician "smart." Especially after this week. Speaking of not-smart politicians, Gary "No Relation To Spencer" Ackerman compared Caroline Kennedy to J-Lo.

JASON: "Caroline Kennedy! She's just like Jennifer Lopez!" THIS is a pitch we're greenlighting during a recession? Really?

MEGAN: She's just Carrie from the block? God, that was a bad joke. Let's just walk quietly away from that wreckage.

JASON: Ha!

MEGAN: Oh, look, Baucus is trying to fuck up the new stimulus bill. He keeps trying to fuck Obama, between this and his health care bill from last month. I didn't even realize there was any enmity there.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and members of the Obama team, for one, want to pass a large-scale SCHIP expansion early next year as one of a handful of moves designed to allow Obama to claim some immediate accomplishments on popular issues.

But Baucus wants to do it now to deny Obama that? Which team is he playing for?

JASON: I've not been able to get my head around Baucus, I must admit. I think threatening the stimulus package now, however, is a moot point. If he can't get the votes now, Obama will have the votes in a couple of months. With the committment shown to this stimulus package and putting infrastructure projects in play, the states can start allocating budget monies right now.

MEGAN: And like the Dems won't waive PAYGO next year? That strains credibility at best.

JASON: The guy who's really made a name for himself on the shit list, is Silvestre Reyes.

MEGAN: Did someone not know he's a dumbass? Though I assume you're talking about his call for Obama to keep McConnell and Hayden as the National Intelligence Director and CIA head, respectively?

JASON: Whoever put him atop the House Intelligence Committee didn't get the memo, and now, per our own Spencer Ackerman, he's pushing for Obama to keep Mike McConnell and Hayden. For the sake of "continuity." Nothing those two men do contribute to any sort of continuity that this country needs.

MEGAN: That "whomever," by the way, was Nancy Pelosi, who ousted Jane Harman despite her being awesome but couldn't put the corrupt Alcee Hastings there. Because they don't like one another.

JASON: I was being coy.

MEGAN: Oh, fuck coy. That was a bad decision.

JASON: Indeed! Check out Reyes position on torture, per Ackerman:

“We don’t want to be known for torturing people. At the same time we don’t want to limit our ability to get information that’s vital and critical to our national security,” he added. “That’s where the new administration is going to have to decide what those parameters are, what those limitations are.”

MEGAN: The limits should be: let's not torture people! Yay! That was easy.

JASON: What this dumbass Reyes needs to get through his thick goddamned skull is that torture VASTLY LIMITS OUR ABILITY TO GET INFORMATION. Meanwhile, it helps to scale up our enemies ability to recruit soldiers to their cause. That leaves us with what, Mr. Reyes? More motherfuckers walking around that you need to torture, I guess? This is all before we get to the part that we have soldiers of our own in the field, who I would rather not see tortured, if you don't mind! Guys like Reyes...sorry...IGNORANT CANDYFUCK DIPSHITS like Reyes, put our fighting men and women in harms' way with their torture-porn pretensions. This guy should be FAR, FAR from the intelligence committee.

MEGAN: But torture is fun! So even if it's completely ineffective, it's, like, revenge.

JASON: You got a House Dumbass Subcommittee on Thumbs Wedged Up Asses, that's fine. Put this fuck Reyes on it.

MEGAN: As long as it's not my thumb.