• Uh oh! Super Olympian Michael Phelps has been caught on film smoking a bong. Phelps, 23, was reportedly visiting a University of South Carolina sorority girl and apparently "ended up just getting wasted every night."[Star]

• Phelps was "loud and obnoxious and slamming beers from the get-go. He was definitely the life of the party as every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He was eating it up, says a source, "If he was there to visit his girlfriend, there certainly was no sign of it that night. All the celebrity attention is making him really cocky, and he's going to end up getting burned because of it." What's this? A 23-year-old world famous millionaire athlete doing drugs and acting like an ass? I am shocked, I tell you! Shocked![Star]
• A source also claims that Phelps seemed like he'd had plenty of practice: “You could tell Michael had smoked before. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and knew exactly what to do. He looked just as natural with a bong in his hands as he does swimming in the pool. He was the gold medal winner of bong hits. Michael ended up getting a little paranoid, though, because before too long he looked like he was nervous and ran out of the place.” [News Of The World]
• Carmen Electra is the latest celebrity to come out in support of Jessica Simpson: "She's a gorgeous girl. A lot of women would die to look as good as she looks," Electra says, "There's going to be moments where people don't necessarily like your look or what you're wearing, and that's okay. Next week, she'll rock some outfit that will blow everyone away."[People]
• Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson claims that her faith is helping her get through the negative press she's gotten due to her weight as of late: "Because of my faith, I believe that I can conquer the world and all its opinions and ideas and all of its judgments," Simpson says. [USMagazine]
• Slumdog Millionaire's Oscar chances just got a bit stronger: the film's director, Danny Boyle, won top honors at the Director's Guild of America awards last night. [NYTimes]
• Worried about the American AbFab adaptation? Kristen Johnston, who is set to play Patsy, swears the script is good: "I think they captured the exact amount of sweetie-darling," Johnston says. "I mean, it’s a totally different element, it’s a totally different show. We don’t smoke, we are hungover all the time, we chew Nicorette, we’re trying to be more PC, but I think it really works. It’s one of those scripts that’s like my favorite kind because on paper you’re like, Oh, this is funny, but when you read it out loud with two actresses, it’s, like, the funniest s—- ever." Ugh. I bet they don't even wear Lacroix, either. Lame. [EW]
• Sir Paul McCartney will headline Coachella this year, topping a bill that includes The Killers and The Cure. Says the Beatle: "I have heard that Coachella is one of the greatest festivals in the world. I'm really excited to get out there and rock!" [Reuters]
• Julia Roberts was once passed over by an agent who deemed the superstar "too trailer park" for films. Big mistake. Huge! [PageSix]
• Emma Watson says she's embarrassed about her status as a sex symbol: "I find this whole thing about being 18 and everyone expecting me to be this object... I find the whole concept of being 'sexy' embarrassing and confusing," Watson says, "Personally, I don't actually think it's even that sexy. What's sexy about saying, 'I'm here with my boobs out and a short skirt... have a look at everything I've got'? My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder."[ShowbizSpy]
• Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer over? A source says Mayer was seen on a date with another woman: "They were obviously on a date. He came in with her another time too and I've seen them out together. He gave her a long kiss before they left. John has been here six times in the last two weeks but never with Jen."[DailyExpress]
• Heads up, Flight of the Conchords fans: the boys are going on tour this Spring! No word yet on if they'll be playing "ahhh Central Park."[Reuters]
• Is Kate Moss considering an acting career? "She's always had dreams of acting. Kate's nervous but feels, with the right backing, she can make the transition from supermodel to Hollywood star," a source says, "[Director] Michael Figgis and Kate have been discussing possible projects and he is helping her work with the right people. Kate will combine her two careers. She won't give up modeling."[ShowbizSpy]
• Lisa Loeb, who once documented her search for love on a reality show, has gotten married: the singer married Roey Hershkovitz, a music supervisor for Late Night With Conan O'Brien, on Saturday. You can't hear it, but she said "I doooo." I guess he's going to stay, even though she only hears what she wants to. And that's my limit for Lisa Loeb song references on a Sunday morning. I guess I'll just go sit on the corner of my bed, and smoke with the ghosts in the back of my head. Ok, I'm really done now. [People]

Hollywood, December 13. Image via x17.

Las Vegas, October 31. Image via Filmmagic.

• Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo: Dunzo! [TMZ]
  
• OMG. Was Joel Madden flirting with Lindsay Lohan? Apparently Nicole Richie was home with the baby and Joel was out when Paris Hilton sent Nic a text: "Lindsay was all over Joel!" Nicole tried calling and Joel didn't pick up. Is this how it's gonna be? [Star]
  
• Lindsay Lohan's father thinks someone is supplying LL with drugs and Janet Charlton has posted a picture of LL with Samantha Ronson with the words, "Michael, the answer could be right under your nose - or better still, Lindsay's nose." [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
  
• Is Mariah Carey pregnant? Apparently someone from her camp called famed L.A. baby boutique Petit Trésor and asked about (wait for it...) butterflies. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• Mariah and new hubby Nick rented out Six Flags Magic Mountain last night so they could have a wedding celebration with their homies. Roller coasters? Just like MC's "Fantasy" video. Which came out in 1995. When Mariah was 25. And Nick Cannon was 15. Not that it matters. [TMZ]
  
• Oh, wait: Nick had the theme park shut down as a surprise for Mariah. That is sweet. These two just might melt your cold cold heart. [ET]
  
• John Mayer had a show in Orlando last night and totally kissed Jennifer Aniston backstage between songs. [People]

• Did Kim Cattrall and Sarah Jessica Parker avoid each other at the Sex And The City premiere after-party?
• Britney Spears hit a red Ford Explorer last night. Just a fender-bender. [TMZ]
• And Britney's "tummy" looks "swollen" so now there are pregnancy rumors. Same old, same old. [Mirror]
• Pete Doherty played his first post-jail gig last night and thanked fans for their support while he was inside. It would have been awesome if he'd started playing Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues." [Mirror]
• Uh-oh: David Thomson, Canada's richest man, has split with his fiancée, former O.C. actress Kelly Rowan, just weeks after she gave birth to his child. WTF. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "Which star of an upcoming blockbuster flick is a huge cad despite his image as a family man? Word is the actor is getting a little too touchy-feely with the ladies." [Rush & Molloy]
• Some conservative media whatchmacallit doesn't like Barbara Walters spilling her guts about her adulterous affair in her new book. "Barbara Walters is a shameless media whore," says Marc Dice of The Resistance. "Barbara has now sunk to the very level of other attention-starved celebrities such as Paris Hilton or even Steve-O from 'Jackass.'" Yeah... No.[Page Six]
• Ashley Olsen was seen on a date with an actor named Justin Bartha. Just so you know. [Page Six]
• Someone crushed Amanda Peet's baby stroller on an Amtrak train on Mother's Day. Boo. [Page Six]
• Does Diddy drink his own vodka, or does he prefer Malibu rum and pineapple? [Page Six]
• Two members of the '60s group The Turtles are suing Capitol Records over an Ice Cube song that samples their tunes. Cube's gonna have to shell out some dough, heh heh. [TMZ]
• Jennie Garth has signed on for the 90210 remake; now Tori Spelling is in talks to join the cast. Donna Martin graduates! [People]
• This is an actual headline: "Brody, Spencer Rekindle Their Bromance." Blerg. Brody Jenner has signed on to star in his own "unscripted" MTV series and it's possible that Spencer Pratt could be on the show. And yeah, the show is called Bromance. Try not to hurl. [E!]
• Actor James Garner (The Rockford Files, The Notebook) was hospitalized after suffering a minor stroke. [E!]
• Carmen Electra and her new fiancé Rob Patterson are already on the rocks, yawn. [Perez Hilton]
• Madonna is copying Oprah! She plans to build a school for girls in Malawi. [Reuters]
• Marisa Miller, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel are the hottest women in the world, according to the testosterone-fueled jackasses at Maxim. Just be blonde with big boobs and no hips or thighs and you, too can be on their pointless list. [People]
• Kim Kardashian and her siblings deny that they ran up more than $120,000 in charges on Brandy's credit card. This was back when Kim was a "stylist" and not whatever she is now. [People]
• Prepare yourself: Rumer Willis may be releasing a CD. [Perez Hilton]
• Ludacris went back to his old high school in Atlanta to find they'd painted his likeness in a mural and named the gym after him. [AP]
• Monty Python's John Cleese was ordered to pay his estranged wife £77,500 a month but he says his divorce from her is "worth every penny." [Telegraph]
• Is there another Marlon Brando love child? [Page Six]
• If you like Ed Westwick, Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass, you should click here. [ONTD]
• "All the men that like me are gay. It's true. I have a really strong gaydar. I do love gay men though." — Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham. [The Sun]

The Good:

Maybe the tie is too short, but I like Common's look anyway.

John Mayer is mad for plaid and looking good.

Jon Krasinski: Always adorable!

The Bad:

Carmen Electra's dress: Gross color, ill-fitting.

Dane Cook: Can't help looking douchey.

Dave Salmoni: Can't help looking really douchey.

Tom Anderson: Can't help looking kinda douchey.

The Ugly:

Sara Bareilles really needs to retire the dress-and-boots combo.

• Georgio Armani is co-chairing a dinner to celebrate a Vogue-sponsored Costume Institute exhibit called "Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy." Which is why he gave a press conference during which he professed to be "indifferent" to Anna Wintour while standing next to her. We assume he'll be too dead to make it to dinner. [NY Mag]
  
• Then again: the shocking new garment industry tell-all Gomorrah says Italian fashion is really just the Mafia so maybe Georgio knows what he's doing. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• Model Gemma Ward's film debut The Black Balloon takes top prize at he Berlin Festival. [Sassybella]

• I grow increasingly obsessed with Victoria Beckham and Marc Jacobs as each new ad starring Posh as the face of MJ's Spring 2008 collection is revealed. Vicks as a naughty dark angel? Love. [Chic Report]
• Project Runway bitch slap! Chris Marc says Christian Siriano is going to be designing for K-Mart soon enough. [AdAge]
• Eva Herzigova: Doesn't need a swimwear line now that she has a son. "[The line] was my little baby. But since I have my own now, it's really hard to follow... Unless I get a license deal, I don't think I'll do it." See ladies, if your career is as pointless/lucrative as modeling and celebrity guest design, you don't have to feel any guilt about giving it up to have babies! [WWD, 3rd item]
• Hayden Panettierre is the new face of Candie's footwear. [Sassybella]
• Ooh la la! Former Dior Homme designer Hedi Slimane is going to be shooting the haute couture collections for French Vogue. [WWD, 4th item]
• 15-year old Russian designer Kira Plastinina on who she hopes to see in her designs, "I like Paris, I like Vanessa Hudgens, I like the High School Musical girls, and Rihanna. I love Rihanna." [Chic Report]
• Yves Saint Laurent is once again pretending that advertising is political activism. [Vogue UK]
• A line of body shapers called Yummie Tummie. [WWD, sub req'd]
• The British fashion industry is blaming its second-tier status in the fashion world on the absence of enough factories to produce its wares. Uh...because Jakarta and Dhaka are totally the new fashion capitals. [Reuters] [WWD, sub req'd]

• Heath Ledger: continuing his "Michelle who?" tour by being seen making out with model Helena Christensen. [Page Six]
  
• Heath was also seen getting the digits of a "waifish 6 ft blond" who was David Blaine's date. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• Stuart Townsend on Charlize Theron: "There's no big official story on a wedding, but we are married. ... I consider her my wife and she considers me her husband." [People]
  
• Britney Spears and Kevin Federline met at her lawyer's office yesterday — Jayden's first birthday and five days before they're due in family court. Britney was to end the "public debacle" but Kevin "needs more money." Sigh. [People]
  
• Even wildlife live in fear of Naomi Campbell: She has plans to open a five-star casino and hotel on the Indian Ocean — which marine experts say will have a negative effect on the sea turtle population. [Page Six]

• Bouncers "escorted" James Garfunkel, the "skinny" 16-year-old son of Art Garfunkel, out of the fashion week tents right before the Anna Sui show for reasons no one seems to know. [Page Six]
• Viggo Mortensen fans should be sure to check out his new flick Eastern Promises, in which he is naked in a steam room for ten minutes while fighting off knife-wielding killers. [Page Six]
• Carmen Electra "performed" at a 2(x)ist fashion week show, but only one person was allowed to take pictures: Her manager's brother (who is a photographer). Makes sense. [Gatecrasher]
• Justin "Hi, I'm a Mac" Long: Seen drunk and spilling stuff on himself, yawn. [Gatecrasher, 2nd item]
• You've hear this before, but a source at Diddy's party — 12 hours before the show — says Britney Spears was so drunk "she couldn't stand." [Gatecrasher, 3rd item]
• Blind item! "Which white-hot young actor had to be asked by a Los Angeles nightclub manager to at least take his cocaine to the bathroom if he was going to do it in the middle of the club?" [Gatecrasher, last item]
• LL Cool J thinks Kid Rock and Tommy Lee should brawl on pay-per-view. We'd watch. [Rush & Molloy ]
• Simon Cowell thinks Britney Spears can "turn it around." [TMZ]
• Foxy Brown, despite what she told the New York Post, is not pregnant. [TMZ]
• Christina Aguilera is pregnant, but you already knew that. [OK!]
• Is Jennifer Lopez pregnant? [The Sun]
• Pete Doherty, football team manager? [TheSun]

• Criss Angel and Britney Spears: Only hanging together for MTV Awards performance purposes, thank Zeus. [Rush&Molloy, 4th item from bottom]
  
• Although, they did spend the night together, drinking champagne — and sent the bodyguard for condoms. [TheSun]
  
• Amy Winehouse has canceled all of her August events, but you knew that, right? [People]
  
• Oh, and Amy Winehouse's husband speaks! "Everyone thinks that everything's that's happened to Amy is my fault and I'm portrayed as the bad guy. But I just want everyone to know that I love her so so much." [Mirror]
  
• A source at Harpo Inc, Oprah's company, says one assistant made $65,000 in overtime in 16 weeks. Holy crap! [PageSix]

• Jack Nicholson has serious dry mouth. You didn't need to know that, but now you do. Pass it on. [PageSix]
• Is the winner of Top Chef: Miami going to work for Madonna? We think that's what they want you to think. [PageSix]
• Fat Joe and Lil' Wayne: total divas on the red carpet. [PageSix]
• The late New York City social doyenne Brooke Astor on Martha Stewart: "Not my cup of tea." Genius! [PageSix]
• Nicole Richie has her man Joel Madden trained: he won't take pictures with other girls at parties. [PageSix]
• Carmen Electra has been working on a new album, heaven help us. [PageSix]
• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham's book, That Extra Half Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between, is coming to the US! Or you could just, you know, go on Amazon.co.uk, and get it now. [PageSix]
• Isaiah Washington will be on Star Jones' new show Monday, if you're interested. [PageSix]
• Karl Rove will spend Labor Day weekend dove-hunting. You know, the bird of peace? He's gonna shoot it. [Rush&Molloy]
• Mary-Kate Olsen bought weed from Method Man. But it was just for a scene in a movie. [Rush&Molloy, 8th item]
• That song you heard by Heidi Montag of The Hills? She didn't want you to hear it. Even though she gave it to a radio station. Spencer Pratt says, "It was a joke." Well he got that right. [People]
• Are Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe getting back together? And where does that leave Jake Gyllenhaal? [E!]

Who's fat? Who's lonely? Who's feuding? Celebrity weekly round-up after the jump.

This could have been the shortest round-up ever: they're all shit, read the phone book instead.

But no. Let's plow on, if only to find out who's lame, who's lamer and who should be taken outside and shot.

Life & Style continues in its cheerfully ridiculous fantasy land, getting Jennifer Aniston engaged, Brad and Angie planning a wedding and Kevin and Britney back together. Still, it's the kind of magazine aimed at morons who think a $2 lipstick from Wal-mart will actually make them look like Jessica Alba, just because L&S told them so, so credibility is the least of their problems.

In Touch has the world's least convincing headline: Jen Looks Pregnant! She looks pregnant. Not that she is or anything. Unless she is. But In Touch doesn't actually know. So, you know, whatever. Talk amongst yourselves. As you nod off gently, you may notice that Kirstie Alley lost weight, Jessica and Nick split up, and Angelina had a baby. Gripping stuff.

Star looks unlikely to halt its circulation plunge with the horrendous looking, and totally irrelevant cover proclaiming that Reese Witherspoon (who?) and Julia Roberts are both knocked up. Even if it were true, why on earth do they think anyone gives a flying toss? They have pics of pregnant Anna Nicole Smith, topless and covered in grease. Don't eat at least an hour before looking at them. Star also has EXCLUSIVE blurry pics of Nick Lachey and whatever blow-up doll he's spilling his seed into this week. And for about the 20th time, they have a stab at Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro splitting up. Expect a glowing piece about how happy they are together next week, after Carmen's publicist's head spins round and vomits green slime over Bonnie Fuller.

With typical lack of savvy, OK! has exlusive first pics of the baby that no-one particularly cares about or wants to see - Gwen and Gavin's son Kingston. And Nick Lachey disembowelled a small child and smeared its blood all over his chest, in a Satanic ritual at Koi. Not really. He's dating a portable vagina, but there's no pics because Star beat them to it. Oh, and Jennifer and Vince are going out with each other and you just wasted a tiny little bit of your life reading that non-story. Next time just poke out your eyeballs and be done with it.

People Magazine is its usual deluded self. Britney's happy and everything's fine, Jennifer's happy and everything's fine, and Jessica is happy and everything is fine and the earth is flat and the moon is made of cheese. They crown their hottest bachelor of 2006 - Taylor Hicks, which shows such a lapse of taste there's no point in going any further down the list. Who's number 10? David Fucking Gest? The only page of any interest whatsoever is p140, where they chronicle the 20 - yes - 20 men who have crawled up Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch in the one year she's been legal. A few even made it back out again.

This week's prime candidate for euthanasia is US Weekly, with an edition so bland, its lifeless pages almost disintegrate in your hand - or is that just wishful thinking? The cover promises the inside details of Brangelina's first days home, and goes on to deliver exactly the same bland, catch-all, 'a source says' crap all the others vomit up this week in about half the space. And Britney isn't happy and Jen and Vince are dating and there does not appear to be one original thought that went into this magazine and frankly it should crawl into a corner and die.