OK!
The cover story in this issue is about Ashley Tisdale having brown hair. And! She says: "I've been very skinny my whole life. I don't really like this look… I look at Jessica Alba and I think she's got a great body. I think that's what women are supposed to look like." She's been Piloxing, which is Pilates boxing, so maybe that will help.
Grade: F (exploded can of Cheez Whiz)







Life & Style
"Torn Between Two Women." This story is all in the pictures: the first spread is images of one night in Cannes — Robert Pattinson is seen sitting next to a pretty blonde, Erika Dutra; the next page is a series of pictures of Rob and New Moon costar Kristen Stewart, and Rob looks stressed out. The caption reads, "Did Robert tell Kristen about his wild night?" Maybe! Since they're just friends, after all! The story titled "Brad And Angelina's Big Fight" is illustrated by a photograph of the couple about to kiss. The mag claims she is "pulling away." In this mag, a picture of people making out would be captioned, "They're at each others' throats!" Hey, you know that chick from America's Next Top Model, CariDee English? She details what she consumes for a column called "What I Really Eat." (Fig. 1) We added everything up and she's only getting 767 calories a day. Not right.
Grade:D- (Kraft single with crunchy, cracked edges)




Us
"Inside's Jon Prison." This is a smattering of tales about how awful Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 is and how rough Jon has it. A former boss of Jon's says that Kate used to only give him $5 a day to spend, and if he was out and needed more money, she would "give him hell." A company donated a used van to the family before the sextuplets were born, but Kate turned it down because it wasn't new. A friend of Jon's dad gave them a different van, and Kate never thanked him, AND she traded it in because she didn't like the color. After Jon's father passed away from cancer in 2005, Jon wanted to hang out with his brothers after the funeral, and Kate wouldn't allow it: She told him he couldn't leave her alone with the kids. Jessica Simpson is pitching a reality show about society's scrutiny of women's bodies. Wait, we'd watch that! The premise of The Price Of Beauty is this: Jess and a friend set out on a road trip around the world in search of what people find beautiful and why. The bad news? It's gonna have a Fear Factor element to it, as Jess tries some of the "shocking" things women do to make themselves attractive. Um, like foot binding? Oh, you saw this coming: Nadya Suleman, known as the Octomom, is working on a memoir. She's hired a ghostwriter! Next: This will spoil the entire plot of the next three seasons of The Hills, but here it is: When filming in Hollywood, Audrina and Kristin Cavallari got into a fight and had to be pulled apart. Stephanie Pratt and JustinBobby were involved. The new breakdown is Lo, Audrina and Stephanie versus Spencer, Heidi and Kristin. Fun. Lastly, Jonah Hill and Spencer Pratt are feuding — they were high school classmates — but Jonah recently posed in some pix that mocked Speidi. Now Spencer is retaliating with a Funny Or Die video.
Grade: D+ (movie theater nacho sauce)

Star
"Daddy Don't Don't Go!" On May 18, the TLC cameras captured a "scene" which was later cut from the show: Jon was trying to leave the house to go run errands and 8 year old Mady grabbed on to his leg and wouldn't let go. She screamed that she didn't want Jon to leave her and that she didn't want to stay with her mom. Apparently execs at the network saw the footage and were "disturbed." Also: Jon sleeps over the garage when Kate's home, but when Kate's away, he's allowed to be in the house. An insider says Kate has told everyone on the show that she wants Jon to get his own place — apparently producers are "scrambling" to find him a nearby apartment, though the split would not be shown on screen. Angela Krall, their former nanny, tells the mag: "[Kate] is pretty much an absentee parent. And when she is around, she's not very warm and cuddly… the kids would be heartbroken if [Jon] left them, and he would be heartbroken too." Plus, Jon and Kate have been kicked out of their local church because they're making a mockery of marriage. Still, Kate is working on a 7-figure clothing deal, another book, a perfume, a made-for-TV movie and a talk show. Perfume? Eau de Eight Kids? Moving on: Cameron Diaz is dating Adam Levine and it's "too much too soon." A friend says, "It's how she gets with every man. When Cameron likes someone, she smothers him." She even changed her cell phone ring to a Maroon5 song. Yikes. Is Tara Reid headed back to rehab? She was in Promises in December and has been sober for six months, but recently was seen spotted in a nightclub at Cannes, where she kissed several men and passed out at her table and had to be carried out of the club by total strangers. The Black Eyed Peas are feuding: Will.i.am is griping that Fergie is arrogant. Lindsay Lohan was only hired for her new movie, The Other Side, on the condition that she gain weight — she has 10 weekly weigh-ins. Oh, and she has to obey curfews and undergo drug and alcohol testing. It's hard out there! Blind item! "Which reality show hottie may have been miscast as a ladies man? Since leaving his show, he's been hooking up on the sly with a male celeb blogger. Be careful mixing business with pleasure!" The blonde with whom Robert Pattinson was photographed in Cannes — Erika Dutra — says, "We had a great time together, Rob's very sweet. He's even better looking in person than he is in photographs." Blah blah blah. Next page: "Rob & Kristen: Love, Italian Style" First sentence: "With one last fling out of his system, Robert Pattinson hopes to finally cement his on and off relationship with Kristen Stewart." Next: In "Knifestyles of the Rich and Famous," Haylie Duff, sister of Hilary, had her nose and chin done (Fig 2). Melissa Gilbert has a book coming out and reveals that she was once engaged to Rob Lowe. But when he went off to make the movie Hotel New Hampshire, he asked his pal John Cusack to look after her while he was away — and when Melissa found out Rob was sleeping with Nastassja Kinski, she hooked up with John Cusack. Don't you love dated gossip? Angelina is three months pregnant, and a picture of her at Cannes qualifies as a "bump alert. " (Fig. 3) Oh, she also has new tattoos — scribbles Brad drew on her body that she had permanently inked on. She has one her shoulder, one on her back, and another on her arm. A source says: "She loves his doodles and loves that she has them on her forever." You've gotta love a story called "Spencer Pratt: King Of Weed." Apparently he started smoking up at 15 and used to toke everyday, always had a big bag and would share with everyone. In 2002 he moved on to pills — Xanax and Valum — but once he got beat up and left on a pool table, he went to rehab. Although he started smoking again. He smokes less now because he doesn't want to mess up his chances of being famous. Lastly: A friend says Rihanna will get her "revenge" on Chris Brown by releasing her own "less than flattering, nude pictures" that will embarrass him. Plus! Apparently he was a "novice" between the sheets and she taught him everything he knows.
Grade: C- (modly Colby)

In Touch
"Now Their Fight Becomes Public!" Well, we predicted this would happen. Even though these are pictures of Brad and Angelina OBVIOUSLY in love, the magazine has captions like, "looking stressed," "angry words" and "they're so stiff." Plus, there are pictures of the couple smiling and drinking at a party and the caption "The Whole Night Was Filled With Tension." (Fig. 4) The mag claims they both got drunk and avoided each other, and yet they're standing next to each other! In the picture captioned, "She's With Another Man" Angelina is Literally sitting next to Brad (his back is to the camera). And the "body language expert" they use is Dr. Lillian Glass, who wrote How To Deprogram Your Valley Girl and the woman who shockingly declared Jon and Kate "sad" merely by looking at them! Anyway: "Brad is most definitely ready to move on," says a confidant. "He is just biding his time." Um, sure. Also: You know how John Mayer and Jen Aniston broke up? Well, "Brad and Angie's Public Peck Looked A Lot Like John And Jen's Goodbye Kiss." (Fig. 5) Moving on: Hayden Panettiere got a tattoo which reads, "vivere senza rimpianti," which means "live without regrets," except it's misspelled; the tattoo artist inked an extra i in the last word. Whoops! Kate Hudson is in a "risky romance" because Yankee Alex Rodriguez "could break her heart." OMG the wimminz is delicate! A "pal" says, "She probably is not the next Mrs. Rodriguez." Yeah, she's definitely crying herself to sleep at night about that. Next: Did Josh Brolin cheat on Diane Lane? There are snaps of Josh — who is filming in New Orleans — with some woman named Melissa Green straddling him. Meanwhile wife Diane was home in Malibu. Josh and Melissa went into a building at 11:35pm and emerged together the next morning at 7:23am — she was wearing the same clothes. Before they did that, they were at a bar, where, a witness says, "Melissa sat in his lap, they were kissing each other on the mouth." Bad! Britney has a "new body" and a "new man." A trainer who does not treat Britney says, "As a fitness professional, I would say that Britney looks great in her new bikini body." Yes, you must be a professional to say things like this. And! Is a bikini body is different from a regular body? Anyway, the "new man" is her "handsome" agent, Jason Trawick, who has a girlfriend but hangs with Brit and the kids often. America's Next Top Model winner Teyona Anderson models "Sumer's Sexiest Dresses" in a hideous spread where the dresses are ugly and she looks extremely uncomfortable (Fig. 6). Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon bought their first home together! It's a $7 million 11,750 sq. ft. abode in Bel-Air; Mariah already has a triplex in Manhattan and a compound in the Bahamas, but this is "the perfect starter home for an A-list couple," according to the mag. "What Happened To Their Boobs" is a frightening look at implants gone wrong (Fig. 7a,b). Lastly, this issue is brought to you by the praying Cheeto, known as "Cheesus." (Fig. 8)
Grade: C+, downgraded to C for lame cover story (cheddar)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Fig. 7a

Fig. 7b

Fig. 8

• Hilary Rhoda: Estée Lauder spokesmodel with a thing for drugstore makeup. A woman after our own hearts. [Daily Beast]
• In other news from model-land, Adriana Lima might be pregnant. [NYDN]
• Also said to be expecting: Gisele Bundchen. [NYDN]
• And sources say Kate Moss could be birthing a "novel." [Sun]

• Givenchy's Fall/Winter campaign, shot this time by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott after nine seasons in the hands of Inez van Lamsweerde and Vinoodh Matadin, features newcomer model Ranya Mordanova and her distinctive bowl cut. [WWD]
• Stefan Persson, the Swedish owner of H&M, is in the final stages of a $40 million deal to buy an entire village in Britain. Linkenholt, its manor estate, cricket grounds, town hall, forest, surrounding farm land, and all 21 current residents' homes, will become Persson's. Curiously, the neighboring town of Andover was the site, in 994, of the confirmation of Viking King Olaf Tryggvason, who, in following the religious ceremony and the receipt of other gifts, promised King Ethelred the Unready that he would stop raiding England. (The Viking king was technically Norwegian, not Swedish, but it's still an odd coincidence.) [UPI]
• Another country estate, this one in Scotland, with a fashion connection, is to be restored by its owner. Rundown Rosehall House, which was decorated by Coco Chanel in the 1920s, is going to be turned into a luxury country club under a £3 million renovation plan. [Daily Express]
• At Dior's party for Marion Cotillard at Cannes, Alex de Betak, who produces shows for the major houses, revealed that he's curating an exhibition dedicated to fashion shows that will unfurl in 3-D at the NRW Forum in Dusseldorf in July. Expect references to the now in-again late 80s/early 90s: "There are shows that made a big impression on me before I even started out, like the Thierry Mugler with the motorbike and George Michael or Gaultier's shows at the Villette where girls were coming out of the floor. Those were so memorable." [WWD]
• Cartier filed and withdrew a lawsuit against Apple in the same day. The jewelry house alleged that two iPhone applications infringed on its trademark Tank watches; Apple removed the apps from its online store. [WSJ]
• John Duerden, the new CEO of Crocs, a company which was supposed to be bankrupt already after losing $22.4 million in the first quarter of this year alone, thinks the company can be saved with aggressive cost-cutting and a thorough pruning of its inventory. [WWD]
• The rejected Aquascutum buyout may have been the company's last chance for survival. Former chief executive Kim Winser, who transformed Pringle into a fashion brand before taking over Aquascutum three years ago, had wanted to buy the venerable English house from its current Japanese owners, Renown, which is looking to spin off the brand as part of company-wide restructuring. Now, 400 jobs and the company's pension obligations are in jeopardy. [FT]
• Fellow iconic British label Burberry Prorsum will show in London, not Milan, this September, to mark the 25th anniversary of London Fashion Week and the British Fashion Council. [WWD]
• Rumors of a rift between Donatella Versace, creative director, and Giancarlo di Risio, chief executive, over Versace's falling fortunes and recession strategy have been denied "unanimously and categorically" by the company board. Di Risio was said to be on the point of leaving the company. Versace has so far refused to adapt much to the new patterns of consumer spending, emphatically not lowering its prices. The company believes that discounting would harm its luxury brand identity in the long term; sales have plummeted, even relative to the overall troubled high-end fashion market, with revenue falling 13.4% in the first quarter of 2009. [FT]
• Saks's CEO has pledged to offer more low-priced items following a 27% decline in sales in the first quarter. Lanvin, meanwhile, has just announced that it made $9.9 million in profits during 2008, a year for which sales grew 29%. [WWD]
• Nordstrom's prices are already an average of 10% lower than they were one year ago. [WWD]
• For his part, John Varvatos has one question he'd like to ask God, assuming s/he exists: "When is the economy going to turn around?" [The Fashion Informer]
• Sergio Rossi has a new president and CEO: Christophe Mélard. [WWD]
• Guthy Renker Australia, which, there as here, sells skincare products, including Proactiv and Principal Secret, via infomercial, lost AU$15 million last year. The American parent company has had to guarantee its debts. [News.com.au]
• Ittierre, the troubled Italian fashion company that Roberto Cavalli blamed for the cancellation of his Fall/Winter Just Cavalli show this February, has renewed its licensing deal not only with Cavalli, but with C'N'C, Costume National's diffusion brand. [WWD]

• ZOMG Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie partied past one am in Cannes! He drank Bailey's! She drank vodka! He had his hand on her leg! They laughed and whispered in each other's ears! [People]
• Brad Pitt says:

"I am in love and I have the most beautiful family — what else can a guy want?" It's almost like In Touch was wrong! [Mirror]

• Someone in Cannes paid $25,000 for a kiss from Robert Pattinson. For that price, some of the sparkles had better rub off. Oh, the money went to AmFar. [Page Six]
• Guess who lost her BlackBerry in Cannes? Paris Hilton. The Daily Fail prints pictures of her drunkenly straddling Doug Whatshisname so you get the impression that she was too busy grinding to keep tabs on her phone. [Daily Mail]
• When getting takeout, Owen Wilson doesn't wait on line with the plebes, he walks straight into the kitchen. [Page Six]
• Jay-Z has left Def Jam records, the label which issued his biggest hits. He went from artist on Def Jam to president of Def Jam and back to artist again, and now, like Madonna, he has a deal with Live Nation. [Crain's]
• Sarah Jessica Parker says Matthew Broderick is reacting strongly to the intense media attention and threats their surrogate is receiving: "He's furious. He's angry." [People]
• Alec Baldwin has penned am essay praising documentary filmmaking. "If you want to see something off the crash-bang-boom thrill ride that Hollywood promises each year, don't rule out documentaries." [WSJ]
• Trudie Styler has written a missive titled "It Is Not Hypocritical To Fly If I'm Campaigning For The Environment." Subtitle: "There's no way I could raise millions for the rainforest if I only travelled by boat or train." [Guardian]
• Patrick Swayze: Releasing a memoir in the fall. [UPI]
• Boo. Rihanna and Aubrey "Drake" Graham are just friends. Boo. The man who was Jimmy on Degrassi told a radio station: "I have the most utmost respect for her. I think she's so talented. I'm being honest- - [She's] just a friend that's all." Although even if they were seen kissing, that doesn't mean it's serious, or that either of them would admit it. [People]
• 90210's AnnaLynne McCord and Twilight's Kellan Lutz: It's on. [Page Six]
• Susan Boyle would be "perfectly happy" with a reality show, says a source. [MSNBC Scoop]
• The woman who choked Terri Seymour after American Idol on Tuesday night was getting revenge for Paula Abdul. Janice Thibodeaux tells Radar Online, "I wasn't cool with Simon Cowell choking Paula Abdul on the show last week and with her crying-out 'help' as he did so. Nobody said anything about that so I wanted to confront him about it because that is not appropriate behavior, is it?" Um, no, but does that mean you should do it? Thibodeaux continues: "[Terri] was taking some photographs with her camera and I knew she was his girlfriend so I went up to her to tell her how I felt. We started arguing and then I put my hands around her neck and started choking her just like Simon had done with Paula. Then I walked away and I was tackled by the police but I don't regret what I did because of what Simon did to Paula, nobody seemed to care about that." Okay, now we're forced to point to our ear and make a swirly motion. You know what that means. [Rolling Stone via Radar Online]
• Scarlett Johansson and Pete Yorn have recorded a collection of duets, on an album called Break Up. [USA Today]
• Katie Holmes will perform in Sunday's 20th anniversary National Memorial Day Concert broadcast from the West Lawn of the U.S. Capitol. She'll play the sister of an Iraq war vet. Tom and Suri will be watching. [USA Today]
• Wow: Natalie Cole's kidney came from a deceased fan. Cole has been on a long list, and was always looking for donors, and, a spokesperson says, "Having heard of Ms. Cole's need for a kidney, the family asked that one of their loved one's kidneys be transplanted to Ms. Cole if they were a match." [CNN]
• Ugh, sad: While Natalie Cole was undergoing transplant surgery, her older sister died of cancer. [Page Six]
• Breaking news: "Kim Kardashian Is Getting Ready for Bikini Season." [People]
• Mike Judge's new show, The Goode Family, mocks environmentalists and vegetarians. [WSJ]
• Ben Stiller has two films coming out this weekend: he stars in Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, but he exec-produced a small documentary, The Boys, about brother songwriters famous for their Disney tunes. [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson didn't use her longtime hairdresser, Ken Paves, for her Vanity Fair cover, because photographer Mario Testino insisted on his own team. Guess he didn't want big "Texas" hair. [Page Six]
• The Black Eyed Peas are releasing The E.N.D — "Energy Never Dies," but don't call it an album. Will.i.am says: "The album? Whatever. I don't listen to albums. "People don't hear music like that now. When they stopped puttin' CD players in cars, that was when I knew it was over. The tradition of gettin' 15 songs and expectin' people to hear 'em how you made 'em? That's not it any more." The E.N.D. is more like a project that evolves through remixes and fan participation. Or something. [Guardian]
• When he was 16, Simon Cowell was a 'miserable little devil' who was kicked out of school. [The Sun]
• Denise Richards' romantic life? It's complicated. She is "Dating-ish. That means not a boyfriend. When I say dating-ish, I mean no boyfriend." [Yahoo via E!]
• Robert DeNiro is a grandpa! [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which newly attached TV actress got it on with a gawky star from the same network?" [NY Daily News]
• Q: How many pairs of suspenders do you have? A: "Never counted 'em. But my guess would be—there are suspenders in New York and Washington and, of course, at my home in Los Angeles—150. But they can't be clip-ons. Every pair of pants I buy—jeans, anything—we sew in the suspender buttons." — Larry King. [Time]
• "Some people are suing us at the moment and although it was initially a bit depressing, now it's become really inspiring. You think, 'Right, if everyone's trying to take away our best song, then we'd better write 25 better ones.' And so just at the point where I was thinking about getting fat and becoming complacent, I've been finding more inspiration." — Chris Martin of Coldplay. [Rolling Stone]
• "As everybody knows, chicks dig the vampires." — Paul Wesley, star of the new CW show The Vampire Diaries. The show is produced by Kevin Williamson, the force behind Dawson's Creek.

Meet Tiara Dew Dots, our "expert." She knows exactly what Brad and Angie are thinking, solely based on the red carpet photos from Cannes that are all over the internet.

TDD: There is tension here. Brad is trying to "Walk Away," just like the magazines report. Angelina is physically restraining him. Her stance is closed up and powerful; his limbs are all over the place — scattered, like his feelings for her. His brow is riddled with lines; he's worried he won't be able to escape. The one hand raised up is a cry for help.

TDD: Despite the smiles, there is pain in their eyes. She is reaching out to him, and he is recoiling. He would like to pluck her hand from his waist — see how his hand hovers? But he's afraid. His won't let his heels touch the ground, in fear of being literally stuck somewhere with her.



TDD: Angelina turns her back on the cameras the way she turns her back on men, when she's done with them. She's pivoted away from Brad and scanning the crowd for a new victim. Although one of Brad's hands attempts to cling to her, his other hand makes the old comic gesture, "Take my wife. Please."

TDD: They are looking — and moving — in different directions. Need I say more?????

TDD: Hmm. Odd. Here it almost looks like they're in love.

TDD: Her eyes are heavy-lidded with contempt. She is looking at his mouth like she can't believe the bullshit coming out it. She's thinking, why don't the tabloids ever accuse me of walking away? I am the one putting up with the epic vapidity that is your brain. And I hate how I'm always willing to watch whatever you want, but you can't sit through ten seconds of "The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency." Oh, wait. Sorry. I'm talking about Mr. Dew Dots now. Where were we?

TTD: His eyebrows show that he is in the moment, enjoying the attention. Her smooth, calm face shows she has checked out, emotionally. In fact, a faraway gaze like that could mean she's remembering that time she had sex with Billy Bob in the back of a limo on the way to the Ocsars. Maybe.

TDD: She looks at him with the same weary bemusement one would offer a tap-dancing monkey. She's so over it. She lets him clasp her hand, but sends a message with her eyes: "You'll never control me." He may or may not be passing gas. One foot is pointed toward her; the other away: Should he stay or should he go? The lady behind them has never been so psyched to have a picture of someone's shoulder.

TTD: You'd think that his arm, placed over hers, means that he is the dominant one. But no! The fact that her arm is sneakily snaked under his proves that she is a back-stabbing husband stealer. Look closely and you'll see that while his hand is relaxed lightly on her back, her hand is spread like a claw across the back of his jacket — she will quickly snatch him away to a hut in a difficult-to-pronounce country should Megan Fox suddenly materialize.

TTD: You can almost hear her whispering, "You're not going anywhere, mister."

TTD: Um. Hmm. Strange. This looks like… Love. But it can't be! I read In Touch, I know what's up.

[Images via Getty.]

[Cannes, May 20. Image via Getty.]

[Cannes, May 20. Images via Getty.]

[Cannes, May 20. Image via Getty.]

• In a stunning revelation that will surprise no-one, Karl Lagerfeld's ex-assistant says the Kaiser is "an unbelievable narcissist." Who "needs an eternity to get ready in the morning." [Blackbook]

• Hilary Swank on the tough reality of Cannes: "I'm starving and the music's so loud I can't hear a thing." [WWD]
• In a plan expected to be announced today at City Hall, New York city boutiques will throw a party to kick off the next fashion week, on September 10. Anna Wintour and Mayor Michael Bloomberg are behind the idea; stores will stay open till midnight running promotions and designers will be in attendance. Fashion Week is traditionally an industry event focused on buyers and editors. Maybe this could be a good way to capitalize on an opportunity to target the actual public, and retail? [Cityroom]
• Ending a long search, Halston has chosen London designer Marios Schwab as its new creative director. The label had been rudderless since the departure of Marco Zanini in early 2008. [WWD]
• Some contend that Michelle Obama's purported magical effect on clothing sales is a media construct. J. Crew's CEO, for example, believes that while the First Lady has given the company vast free publicity by favoring its cardigans, she has not necessarily driven sales. This is a view backed up by JP Morgan's research report on the company. Several J. Crew items the first lady has worn are even on clearance. (Of course, it's entirely possible that many of the younger, less-established designers Michelle Obama has favored would have a different experience to report. Jason Wu and Thakoon have to be feeling her patronage in their sales.) [The Big Money]
• That doesn't stop the fashion world from going giddy over Mrs. Obama. [WWD]
• French Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld: "Fashion is not about clothes, it is about a look." [Guardian]
• Anna Wintour's 60 Minutes segment was watched by 10.2 million on television, and drew an unknown number of online viewers. [Folio]
• Tim Gunn just got a new apartment — "Most of the apartment is aubergine. It's like living in a bruise." In between repainting, he's traveling to promote the new season of Project Runway, and pick designers for the next. He also recommends you read Adam's Navel by Michael Sims. [Blogging Project Runway]
• Carolina Herrera, who is often glimpsed in a crisp, white shirt, gets hers at the Gap. Sort of — designer friend Patrick Robinson sends her them by the dozen, and she gets them monogramamed. But if you, mere pleb lacking designer friends, want to buy them off the rack, they cost $44. [Style.com]
• Manhattan might be getting a Nordstrom Rack. [WWD]
• Angelina Jolie's stylist seems surprisingly grounded, for a woman whose most recent splurge was an $1,100 Gucci dress. (Which she is thinking of returning, since she saw a similar style at H&M.) [LA Times]
• The New York Times' Cintra Wilson cast her critical-shopping eye on Derek Lam. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with Mr. Lam's desire to create ruling-class finery; it's lovely, top-shelf stuff, and he should make no bones about the fact that his creations are not warm, fun, affordable or sensuous," writes Wilson. "They are formal, uptight gift wraps — silk boxes in which women may demurely present themselves, with politesse, deference and flawless snobbery, to a world of rich and powerful men." [NY Times]
• First-quarter earnings for Philips-Van Heusen, parent company of Calvin Klein and Van Heusen, among other brands, sank by 47% on last year's numbers. Sales declined by almost 11% during the period. [Crain's]
• Key words for this Marks & Spencer commercial, starring Twiggy: "value" nostalgia recession "quality" penny pennies prices trust penny. [Guardian]
• Current Marks & Spencer print model Marie Helvin is 56, and and pretty fantastic. "Please shoot me if I'm doing this in my 80s," she tells the Times of London. "Anyway, one day I won't be able to...I've had an amazing life, done lots of fantastic things. I never wanted children, so that's not an issue." She's also open about having had an abortion. [Times of London]

The Okay!
Remember that summer when everyone looked pregnant? Yeah, glad that's over. But! Sonalii Castillo looks darling.


Nicole Fantl's mini may be nothing earth-shattering, but it's also not hurting the Earth. Well, depending on its fabrication. And its production.


Peaches Geldof's dress may be a bit creased, a tad pulling, but she looks pretty and, hey, the bar's not that high for "The Okay."


The Bad:
Paris Hilton's Goddess of Pre-Recession Excess is, for some reason, wearing spectator pumps.


The Ugly:
Lady Victoria Hervey doesn't seem to understand the concept of "peephole." "Gaping hole" doesn't have quite the same effect.


What Say You?
Silja's Olympian party girl: nice or naff?


On the one hand, SoKo looks like a real, furious person who obviously doesn't use a stylist and has flair. On the other, she is wearing an entire flea market table.

[Images via Getty]

[Cannes, May 19. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[Cannes, May 18. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[Cannes, May 13. Image via Getty]

[Cannes, May 20. Images via Splash.]

The Good
Gabriella Wright looks just lovely. This dress is different but she's not trying too hard. I love the color, although I wish she had done something more interesting with her hair.
There's nothing wrong with Kristin Scott Thomas in this blue number. She looks classic and appropriate.
Maria Menounos is wearing my favorite dress of the evening. It's long and drapey but also form fitting. I love this so much. Gimme.
Not my favorite dress in the world, but Tang Wei looks great and she's kind of like, "What? I'm pretty. What's the problem?."
I don't know who Vahina Giocante is, obviously her dress does. What? I don't know. But I like it.


The Bad
Why does Christina Ricci always look weird? [Um, what about her awesome dress at the Costume Institute gala? -Ed.] This dress looks like a caterpillar that's eating her body. I mean, it's a nice dress, but it's boring and I think a woman needs to be pretty tall to pull of that kind of length.
Dita Von Teese is great and everything (I guess) but her whole retro schtick is starting to wear thin. She looks matronly here. Pancake makeup and sheer stockings are for grandmas, drag queens, and the entire female cast of Radio Days. What does this woman do anyway? She strips for rich people? Can I have that job?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that Eva Herzigova looks too perfect. Not a hair out of place, nothing. It's too beauty pagent. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one in the world who doesn't think Gwyneth Paltrow is the cat's pj's? This dress looks like the new 500 thread count Ralph Lauren sheets I just bought (on sale).
Salma Hayek, one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, is wearing a baggy green dress with a necklace from Urban Outfitters. Ouch.


The Ugly
Yoinks! I understand why Lola Ponce would want to show off her body, but this is just weird. It sort of looks like whatever she has on underneath is Budweiser-related. More specifically, it looks like she's going to the Girls Gone Wild prom.
This is what I wanted to look like when I was eight years old. I also wanted to change my name to "Cookie" and drive a pink convertible Porsche.

[Cannes, May 15. Images via Getty.]

[Cannes, May 14. Image via Splash.]

The Good:

Regal Cate Blanchett wears filmy ruffles with aplomb.

Aaaah! I love Bar Refaeli's dress. Fitted yet flowy, simple yet detailed. Check out the back:

Gorgeous.

Elsa Zylberstein shines in sunny yellow.

Love the color and the ruffles on Natalie Portman's little purple dress.

I hate it when I like something about Eva Longoria. But vivid Mediterranean blue on the red carpet is exactly right for the French Riviera. Ooh, Aishwarya Rai looks good too, even if her skirt is a wee wrinkly.

Lord, I love me some Faye Dunaway. Soft and glowing in rosy pink.

The Bad:

Hair pulled too tight and dress that looks too stiff make Devon Aoki resemble a mermaid out of water. With a scale disease.

Andrea Osvart's dress isn't exactly bad, but on the Cannes red carpet you're supposed to turn it up a notch.

It's hard to explain why Mischa Barton's gown doesn't feel right: Too heavy, too detailed, too dark? Not well-fitting enough?

Afef Jnifen is some kind of foxy model/actress. Love her hair, hate her dress. Huge sleeve or huge skirt. Not both.

Wow, Gillian Anderson! It's been so long! Great to see her. It would be even better to see her in a more flattering dress.

The Ugly:

Eleonara Abbagnata's dress appears to made of seaweed.

Julianne Moore is beautiful. And I appreciate a gown that takes risks, that dares to be different. I like when design is quirky and clever. But parrot feathers and fabric flowers and a detailed waist and sheer under sheer? Bad. In my opinion. I mean look!

A beautiful woman in an ugly dress.

[Images via Getty and Bauer-Griffin.]

• Gisele got out just in time: Limited Brands — the owner of Limited, Express, Bath & Body Works, Victoria's Secret and probably some other highly-fragranced mall-type stores — is floundering, trying to sell off parts and blaming weak sales on gas prices, cold weather. [WSJ]
  
• But Target is so just not having that problem! [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• The ever-ailing Gap taps Patrick Robinson as design chief. Who? Just another notoriously tempestuous designer whose two greatest accomplishments are a Target collection and a Vogue connection (his wife is fashion market director Virginia Smith). [WWD]
  
• Mighty Heart, mighty bad memory: Angelina, uh, "forgot" to wear St. John — the house that tapped her to replace its own crazy Kelly Gray — to her movie's premiere in Cannes this week. [LA Times]

• Burberry, which just insisted its retail strategy was all about exclusivity, announced it will be expanding its retail outlets by 13% in the coming year. Because nothing keeps the lumpen away quite like providing them with even more opportunities to engage with your product! [Guardian]
• Puma goes high-end: Its new Urban Mobility line includes a belt that won't set off the metal-detector at the airport. [Fashion Inc.]
• Now that the battle fashion house Valentino's ownership has settled, we can resume wondering if the 75-year-old fashion designer after whom it's named will hand over the reins any time soon. Yeah, yeah, he's not talking; he's too busy playing with his damn dogs. [WWD, sub req'd]