• Listen to Heidi Montag's earsplittting new single, "No More," at your own risk. It sounds like this: You said I was the reason why we couldn't work out but it was all a lie...Ar ar ar ai ai ah ah blah dah dah, except in like, dolphin language. [People]
  
• Lindsay Lohan reportedly left a series of phone messages for Calum Best that were all, "I can't believe you would ever fucking do this to me, I should have listened to everyone. I should never have fucking trusted you." Hey Linds! Didja hear? That's not you in the BJ clip! [The Sun]
  
• A judge is upholding the conservatorship of Britney Spears, despite some random lawyer's appeal. [Yahoo News]
  
• Britney kept her sunglasses on during rehearsals for How I Met Your Mother. Very professional. [MSNBC]

• A source says the role was very carefully chosen and avoided "trigger" topics like her music career and her kids. "They just wanted her to be treated normally, but obviously this wasn't a normal situation. This wasn't about her career, it was about her health." [MSNBC]
• Ooh, Britney revelations via Henry Rollins! Yeah, that's right, Henry Motherfucking Rollins! Henry sez: "They have the black chick come in and sing, and Britney sings over it, and they mix them together. (Britney) gets her phrasing basically from this older R&B woman. I found that out talking to an engineer. Britney apparently isn't actually the worst singer, she just has no feel. So they bring in this older black woman who sings the song, then Britney sings to it, and they kind of make a mix of the two voices, and that's what you hear on the records." [Dlisted]
• Cashmere Mafia: Dunzo? And Lipstick Jungle coming back? Is anyone watching either show? [Page Six]
• A dude named David K. Zandi is lobbying to star in Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, a Disney flick based on a video game. Actors up for the role include Orlando Bloom, Milo Ventimiglia and Zac Efron but Zandi says "people are fascinated that a real Persian with royal lineage could be hired to play this role." And by people he means himself. Anyway, Disney is all LOL. [Page Six]
• Grey's Anatomy star Justin Chambers had a vasectomy after he and his wife had their 5th child. But! The couple would consider adopting! Are they battling Angelina for kiddie supremacy? [Page Six]
• Weekly mag editors find Ashton Kutcher's show, Pop Fiction and the fake news it's trying to peddle (Avril's pregnancy, Paris' guru) in a word, yawn. [Rush & Molloy]
• Nude photo of Carla Bruni, aka French First Lady, up for auction! [Rush & Molloy]
• Allen Covert, who has co-starred in a dozen movies with Adam Sandler, was arrested on the set of his latest Sandler film when he spat and slapped a paparazzo he thought was filming his kid. [TMZ]
• The family of Bob Marley will not allow his music to be in a Weinstein Co. film, even though Rita Marley is an executive producer on the project. But Martin Scorsese is set to direct a documentary on Bob, which would be allowed to use his music, according to Ziggy. [TMZ]
• Dancing With The Stars alum Sara Evans went through a very public divorce battle last year but won't let that stop her from getting engaged to a former University of Alabama quarterback. Congrats. [People]
• Milo Ventimiglia has a YouTube account in which you can see videos of Milo brushing his teeth and whatnot. Gripping! [People]
• The Smashing Pumpkins are suing Virgin Records for illegally using their name and music in promotional deals. Did anyone know the Smashing Pumpkins were still around? [Yahoo News]
• Sean Diddy Combs has settled a lawsuit brought by a man who claims the rapper punched him outside of a Hollywood hotel, but the terms of the deal are unknown. [Yahoo News]
• Denise Richards, who was legally known as Denise Sheen, is changing her name back to Denise Richards. Don't these people have anything better to do than go to court? [Yahoo News]
• Heather Mills once claimed she'd been offered a title, Baroness Mills; a new TV documentary calls bullshit on that. [Mirror]
• Ice T and Coco have a sex secret called The Stroke that you can feel free to read more about if you care to. [The Sun]
• Amy Winehouse has been offered £350,000 to perform at a Dutch club that is "in the heart of the biggest drug circuit in Holland." Oh, dear. Sing, take the money and run! [The Sun]
• Pete Doherty was seen visiting Amy's house with hands that looked like they "hadn't been washed for a week." Such lovely imagery this morning! [The Sun]

[Saint-Tropez, August 10. Image via SplashNews.]

Calum Worst and Brody Fucker look good.

• Radio talk show host to presidential candidate: "America wants to know — would you pardon Paris Hilton?" Thus began a morning of watching the legitimate media — starved as they are for weighty topics — attack the Paris prison scandal like rats to a carcass. Around 7:30 Al Sharpton weighed in on CNN. A few minutes later we found something on the Washington Post op-ed page dubbing Paris our generation's Mona Lisa. And Mozart. And Sun-Tzu. A story in the paper was a bit less reverent: "Be mad! Be glad! You didn't get a vote."
  
• The prosecutors do, however, and so the saga continues, and at noon our time America will tune in yet again to witness Chapter 2,087 in this epochal happening on one of the major cable news channels, and you can feel safe clicking back here to see how we feel about it all. (SPOILER ALERT: Nothing!) [TMZ]
  
• Adam Brody, who is cute, has a new girlfriend he won't be photographed with. But we know who she is! We're putting her picture after the jump so you actually give us some page views. [Page Six]

• Angelina Jolie has visited refugee camps in 30 countries. Can we even name 30 countries, after three weeks in this gig? Let's see, Malawi, um, Iraq... [People]
• We could not be more in love with Dave Chappelle. In fact, seriously guys, that's our next poll, this just reminded us, this genius we know named Julia once suggested we perennially pose the question, "Who Would Jesus Do?" and that's our first pair: Angelina? Or Dave Chappelle? I mean, we're not gay, but we're gay for Angelina, so we imagine that even if Jesus was straight, like we think he is since... that Discovery Channel show or something... he would still probably be gay for Dave, and Anderson Cooper, and Shepard Smith, who Julia claims isn't gay but whatever. [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan dumps Calum Best. The story is tagged "bizarre" because it involves a Lohan engaging in non-self-destructive behavior, but we're pretty sure that visit from Dina in rehab will get Lindsay flocking to the arms of another larcenous sex-addicted cokehead soon enough. [The Sun]
• Meet Lauren German, the latest Rachel Bilson replacement:

• In the time we took to launder our whites and get over a hangover, singer John Mayer broke up with singer Jessica Simpson. Allegedly over her slutty clothes. Then John went to a party, hit on an Asian model, briefly considered doing her, thought better of it (debatable!) and went home alone. [Rush & Molloy]
• Whenever we listen to or read about or look at pictures of British whiskey enthusiast/singer Amy Winehouse we think, damn! Now here is a girl who is really healthy and self-actualized and definitely seems ready to take that whole "lifetime commitment" step with the boyfriend who used to "sniff her out like Tanqueray." [Spin]
• Incredibly humble fashion designer Tom Ford relates to starlets because he doesn't like wearing underwear either, but says "I am my own muse." Also: He imagines that the world must have been a whole lot more perverted before the spread of internet porn, which we totally find ourselves thinking all the time! Except, you know, the exact opposite. [New York]
• While Paul McCartney and Heather Mills act remarkably civil towards one another in a reunion meeting, Kid Rock is a total pussy who bails as soon as his ex Pam Anderson enters a room. We'd say this highlights differences between them and us, but: Calum Best. [News of the World, Rush & Molloy]

• Director Roman Polanski at Cannes: "It's a shame to have such poor questions, such empty questions." Wait, from the Hollywood media? Surely he jests! [Washington Post]
• Boytoy Calum Best is too busy getting rug burns from sex with Lindsay Lohan to get her to buy him furniture. If this story gets you hot at all, you may want to kill yourself. [News of the World]
• Prince Harry is going to Afghanistan, where we are apparently still not paying attention to a war. [News of the World]
• Xtina joins porn-star Jenna Jameson in endorsing Hillary Clinton. [New York]
• We'll tell you what we never ever ever really wanted: The Spice Girls to reunite! Too bad God does not love us! [News of the World]
• Chris Rock and Courtney Love can be heard on Hollywood tough-guy Anthony Pellicano's tapes talking about their one-night stands, raving paranoias, love of Italians, etc. [New York Times]
• We can't actually bring ourselves to read the stories about the Joey Buttafuoco-Evanka Buttafuoco-Amy Fisher triangle of love/reality-show sessions but, hey, here you go. [New York Post]

• Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend had better be a really good lay, cause the kid has an infidelity prob that isn't, it turns out, restricted to his behavior around the irresistible Helen of Troy reincarnation that is Sara Kova. [Rush & Molloy)
• We like that Ike Turner, who just spent the night in jail over an eighteen-year-old warrant that wasn't even valid, is all: "Hey, no one's perfect, I'm not mad about it." But seriously, this is the most depressing case of cops harassing a black male even though he's famous since, uh, last month when ?uestlove got interrogated by the DEA. [TMZ]
• Nicole and Joel Madden broken up? But just last week the tabs were talking marriage! However could two mature adults change their minds so very very rapidly? [PerezHilton]
• Marilyn Manson on the end of his marriage: "Dita didn't understand the amount of pain I went through." Hmm, maybe she would have picked up on it if you'd given her some subtle visual clues, like wearing black all the time or looking really pale and gaunt? [Page Six]

• Charles Barkley: Who died and gave Al Sharpton the right to speak on behalf of all nappy headed hos? [Page Six]
• Of all the starlets who've slipped and fallen on their nine-inch heels, why did The Office's Jenna Fischer have to be the one to actually break multiple bones? Why not that ditz from The Hills? Why not Scarlett Fucking Johansson? [Page Six]