1.) What's baby oil made from?

2.) What's propitious?

3.) Brain Babies
They're scary!

4.) People in the New York metro area love misery, as indicated by the most popular stories on the local news.

5.) Brooke Hogan thinks she looks hot as a lesbian. Others disagree.

6.) Bravo aired deleted scenes from the infamous "prostitution whore" finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey. We learned a lot of new things, like GL Juicy J (gays love Juicy Joe).



And we learned that linoleum floors are not desirable in the Garden State.

7.) We also got some insight into what Danielle's sex tape might involve.

8.) 16 and Pregnant is a breeding ground for future Judge Judy litigants: Parents who raise idiots who become parents who raise idiots. It may sound harsh, but that's only if you haven't seen the show.

I do have to agree with the girl on point:

9.) "This man is an idiot."

10.) Janice Dickinson was voted off I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!
I'm gonna miss her crazy like crazy.

• Though Scotland Yard is investigating Lindsay Lohan for stealing jewels from a photo shoot, a rep from British Elle says they have no reason to suspect Linds was the thief.

• A spokeswoman said, "I can confirm on behalf of Elle magazine that items of jewelry went missing from an Elle photo shoot two weeks ago and the matter is now being investigated by the police. Elle has no reason to believe that Lindsay Lohan was in any way responsible and has no further comment to make." [TMZ]
• A temporary restraining order was issued today against Miranda Tozier-Robbins, the woman who was caught trespassing on Britney Spears' property in April. Tozier-Robbins must stay 100 yards from Brit and her home. She will be arraigned next week on two misdemeanor charges. [E!, TMZ]
• When asked who he would most like to punch in the face, Michael Lohan said, "Perez Hilton." But the line is so long! [Perez Hilton]
• Amy Winehouse's parents says she's kicked her drug habit, but is still abusing alcohol. Her father Mitch said, "I need my daughter to be a whole person again. I've tried it all. I said: 'Amy you've got to do this, you've got to go to this doctor, you've got to do this, you've got to do that, you're killing me, you're killing your mum.' None of it worked." He added that her estranged husband Blake Fielder-Civil was fuelling her drug habit. "The option of them being together is too horrible to contemplate," he said. [The Sun]
• Linda Hogan's former hairdresser testified in a hearing regarding Hulk Hogan's motion to reduce the amount of alimony he pays Linda that "She was actually buying drugs with the money... She told me that." The woman said Linda asked her to cash check from Hulk for her to mislead his attorneys about how the money was being spent. [TampaBay.com]
• In response, Brooke Hogan told E! that she feels betrayed by her mother. "I look at the things she's released and said about me and I'm like, how could I ever trust her again?" she said, "I'm the only one with my head on straight." [E!]
• Barbara Walters is mad because an online ad for an anti-aging pill called Exilatrol is using her picture and says "As seen on Barbara Walters and 60 Minutes." She Tweeted: "If u see ads for products with Resveratrol showing my photo and name they are false." [TMZ]
• Beyonce will perform at the BET Awards on June 21. [Rolling Stone]
• Last night on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, Heidi Pratt wore the exact same dress Kristin Cavallari wore on the show a few days earlier. No one knows why, but producers on The Hills probably have an inkling. [Perez Hilton]
• Several sources say publisher William Morris Endeavor is considering a book proposal form Portia de Rossi. She's submitted a writing sample that deals with her battle with anorexia. [NY Observer]
• Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Hank Baskett says he'll be very involved in fiance Kendra Wilkinson's pregnancy. "It takes two people to get pregnant. You can't have just one person doing everything," said Baskett. "There's going to be some things I can't make, but I'm going to try my hardest to be at every appointment, at every meeting, everything." He added, "Hef will be a part of the baby's life. That's one of the first things we want to do is bring the baby out here to California and let Hef be introduced. I can see 'The Godfather' being a good name for Hef!" [People]
• Weird Al Yankovic has released a new single, "Craigslist," which he says is an homage to the Doors. [UPI]
• Adam Lambert says he has met a lot of celebrities recently, but Madonna made him the most starstruck. He "I met Madonna and that was pretty wild. Most everybody I've met is pretty cool and on the level, but Madonna is just legendary," he said. "I've been a fan of hers since I was a kid. So that's definitely part of the intimidation factor." [People]
• At their daughter's high school graduation, sources say Tatum O'Neal was seated in the section reserved for extended family, while her ex-husband John McEnroe and his new wife were near the stage. O'Neal's rep denies there was tension between the two, saying, "Tatum went to say hello to relatives and returned to her assigned seat, in the immediate-family section." [The Daily Express]
• Here's a clip from 500 Days of Summer starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. [New York Magazine]
• "Heidi Klum Gains Preggers Pounds, Still Looks Hot." Heidi says, "I'm bigger than I should be, but I always gain 40-45 pounds, so I still have a ways to go." [E!]
• Though many unpleasant details about her life came out during the run of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Danielle Staub says she has no regrets. "We're just allowing everyone to see what goes on all over the place," she said. "We're just letting everyone else see [our drama]. That's why people are relating to us so well - because it's what's happening with them. People are acting like that everywhere. We're making it okay." [People]
• Damn fine news: Kyle MacLachlan wants to play Agent Dale Cooper again. He says, "I have a crazy idea to bring back Twin Peaks on the net as five minute webisodes." But he explains David Lynch won't be involved, adding, "David's focus is more on transcendental meditation now." [The Daily Express]
• Whitney Houston's untitled comeback album will be released on September 1 and features a duet with Akon and a track written and produced by Alicia Keys. [Showbiz 411]
• Jordan says that she suffered from post-natal depression after her 4-year-old son was born. "After post-natal depression it has taken me four years to get to the healthy place I am now - I now no longer need anti-depressants," she says, "It does take time, but you will feel better again and I am absolutely fine." [The Sun]
• Billy Joel wants to buy his wife Katie Lee, who was a host on Top Chef, a restaurant in Sag Harbor, New York. [TMZ]
• Shocking news: 16-year old Selena Gomez says she's never been in love, despite having dated Nick Jonas and Taylor Lautner. [People]
• Ashanti will make her stage debut this week as Dorothy in a New York production of The Wiz. She says she picked the show because, "It's such a historical, historical piece. It means so much to my family. I actually played Dorothy in The Muppets' Wizard of Oz ironically. I can relate to her character so much, just being innocent and naïve starting out in this business and gradually learning as you move along." [The New York Times]
• Lapsed Scientologist/billionaire James Packer has offered Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes the use of his private suite in Melbourne's Crown Towers complex for the next month while Tom films in Australia. [News.com.au]
• Lucie Kim, the woman suing Miley Cyrus over the racist photo she took has amended the lawsuit to say that Justin Gaston should have stopped her because as an adult, Miley's parents gave him authority to "supervise, manage, guard, and oversee [Miley's] conduct while in [his] presence." [TMZ]
• Though there has been no mention of another Indiana Jones movie, Shia LaBeouf announced "Steven [Spielberg] just said that he cracked the story on it, and I think they're gearing that up." [Total Film]
• Last night comedian Artie Lange hijacked the taping of the first episode of HBO's Joe Buck Live, making obscene and homophobic jokes about Buck and Tony Romo, and saying Jessica Simpson is a "fat chick" who looks like Chris Farley. "Do I think it went too far? Yes," said Buck. "Will he be back? If it's up to me, no. But again it's live TV man." [USA Today]
• As part of the guerilla marketing for Hammertime the new A&E show about the life of MC Hammer, a group of people wearing gold harem pants bust into a L.A. clothing store and danced to "You Can't Touch This." You can watch the video at the link. [AdRants]
• FYI, Robert Pattinson is the "most handsome man in the world," according to a Vanity Fair poll and a legion of 14-year-old girls. [Vanity Fair]
• Kim Kardashian says Heidi Pratt called her to ask for advice about doing Playboy "Actually, I was in Mexico and I got a call from Heidi saying, 'Call me right now,'" Kardashian says. "So I called her and she had said to me, 'What do you think? What's your opinion on if I were to do Playboy?'" She told her to "go for it... I think that now's the time," says Kim. "I think it's a very classy magazine. It's artsy. I talked her through the whole process and helped her make up her mind." [ONTD]
• When asked if she dresses up for her husband Josh Duhamel, Fergie said, "Oh, girl, I've got a big chest of fun little numbers, ones that I would never wear in public... I like to have fun with my costume onstage; why wouldn't I in the bedroom?" [People]
• Jada Pinkett Smith revealed some sex tips, and the fact that she's a really party guest to Redbook. She says: "Be sneaky... your girlfriend's house at a party. The bathroom. A bedroom... Think of places outside that are comfortable to have sex.... Does he have access to his office? Have a fantasy date. Be his secretary! Pull over on the side of the road... Just switch it up. Anything like that can keep it going. Anything it takes to keep the flame alive." [The Sun]
• Lenny Kravitz has been celibate for the past four years. He explains that four years ago, "I was doing my normal thing and I was with somebody, and I remember waking up in the morning thinking, 'What am I doing?' It's not that I was all over the place. It's not, like, groupies or somebody you'd pick up on the street. I didn't carry on like that. It was somebody that I know. But it was still, 'What am I doing? And why?' And that morning I was just talking to God, as I do, and I said, 'You got to help me to stop this. I just really want to stop this.' And that was the day that it changed." [The Telegraph]
• Denis Leary on Susan Boyle: "I think she's a hobbit. The no expectations aspect was fantastic. I kind of wanted her to be the person who not only could sing, but was gonna tell everyone to fuck off and would become the new sex symbol. I hope she comes back fucking crazy like Judy Garland on acid. I'd like to feed her a lot of booze and pills and just let her sing beautiful songs and threaten people from the stage." [TV Squad]

• Looks like Sean Penn spoke too soon when he filed for separation from Robin Wright Penn on May 19, citing "irreconcilable differences." Now they're trying to work things out again. The couple already filed for divorce in 2007, but reconciled in April 2008. [Extra TV]

• Officials in the Phillipines obviously didn't read Alec Baldwin's editorial in The Huffington Post, in which he apologized for saying he wanted a Filipino mail-order bride. Now he's banned from the country. "By being in the bureau's blacklist, Baldwin is forbidden from entering the country as he is deemed an undesirable alien," said an official from the country's Bureau of Immigration. [GMA News]
• One of Michael Jackson's back up dancers for his London concerts, Danielle Rueda-Watts, is a two-time pole dancing champion. She's won the Pole-A-Palooza competition in Las Vegas for the past two years. [TMZ]
• Amy Winehouse was admitted to the hospital on Friday after she fainted, which her management blamed on dehydration. Now her rep says, "She was complaining of chest pains so the doctor advised her to come in and she was kept in for observation and then released." [The Mirror]
• British actress Lucy Gordon was found dead in her Paris apartment of an apparent suicide. She appeared in Spider-Man 3 as reporter Jennifer Dugan. [USA Today]
• In yet another interview with Kate Gosselin's brother and sister-in-law Kevin and Jodi Kreider, they claim Kate's now-estranged friend, Beth Carson, actually wrote Kate's book Multiple Blessings: Surviving To Thriving with Twins and Sextuplets. [Radar]
• Lauri Waring of The Real Housewives of Orange County wants more money from her ex-husband because she says she makes only $400 a month in her career as an insurance agent and "actress." [TMZ]
• In the video at the link, Nicolas Sarkozy drops in on his wife Carla Bruni during her interview with a French women's magazine. [The Guardian]
• Here's some telling evidence on what's wrong with kids today: British teens voted Lady GaGa's "Poker Face" the best song to study to. [The Star]
• In a video conference with Perez Hilton, Brooke Hogan let a white squiggly piece of paper hang out of her mouth to symbolize the doodles Hilton and his minions are so fond of drawing on celebs. She said, "I also have a big white penis on me. Can I take this off?" [Perez Hilton]
• Jordin Sparks has announced that she doesn't know if she wants to get serious with her friend, singer-songwriter and ex-model Steph Jones. "We don't know whether or not to go further or to just keep the friendship," she said. "It's crazy. We've got the feelings, but we don't know whether or not to say it out loud." Uh, you sort of just did. [People]
• Thandie Newton will be the new face of the Martini campaign. [The Mirror]
• "Every time I am making a movie I feel insecure, and I feel scared, and that's part of the way I work - if one day I would be on the set feeling too secure, that would really scare me." - Penelope Cruz [The Mirror]
• The Kardashian sisters still held a grand opening party for their store Dash in Miami Beach, even though it had been vandalized on Tuesday. The window was scratched and the letter GUK were painted in black on the window frame. Police say they don't know what the letters mean, but Kourtney Kardashian said nothing was stolen from the store and the grafitti wasn't targeting her or her sisters. [AP]
• Russell Brand has been talking about an "experience" he had with The Veronicas, but they say he just passed them his number. "We both like people who can make us laugh but with him being a womaniser we'll leave others to go there," said Jess Origliasso. [News.com.au]
• In an interview about her new album Abnormally Attracted to Sin, Tori Amos said of growing up the daughter of a minister, "What's really tricky is when you're brought up in a family that has a very clear faith system and they are really doing what they think is the best thing they can do, which is to bring you up with those beliefs. And I question a lot of what I've been taught and brought up in and I see it differently than my family. But the key has been, can you respect each other enough to say, 'I don't need to tell you what to believe in?'" [Yahoo]
• Mandy Moore says of her hips, "I still have a love-hate relationship with them. I'm not a swizzle stick – I'm not 14 anymore." But, she says she's not hung up on dieting either. "I appreciate when there are other women out there who are beautiful and aren't, you know, a pound," she says. "I feel lucky that I don't feel pressure ... to have my whole life be controlled by whether I fit into a certain size." [People]

• Miley Cyrus apparently has a half-brother named Christopher Cyrus who is less than a year older than her. But, he has no contact with the rest of the Cyrus clan.

• Apparently Miley's mom Tish doesn't like that Billy Ray fathered another woman's child. [Star]
• Britney had a police motorcycle escort that took her 28 miles on the L.A. freeway because she was late to a concert. The officer honked and made cars clear a path. A highway patrol representative said they give the same service to the President and Rose Bowl teams, and the officer "can use the tools at their disposal, including lights and sirens, to expedite the flow of traffic and ensure safety." [TMZ]
• A dude proposed to his girlfriend onstage at a Britney Spears concert last night. [TMZ]
• A blogger bought a copy of Katy Perry's CD in Saudi Arabia and she had much more clothing on than in the American version. The Saudi government actually pays people to open the CD up and color on clothes with Sharpies! [Perez Hilton]
• Susan Boyle recorded the song Cry Me A River for a local newspaper's charity CD in 1999, which you can listen to here, if you want to hear something awesome: [Perez Hilton]
• OMG OPRAH IS ON TWITTER AND SHE'S TWEETING KANYE STYLE. [Wired]
• Brooke Hogan is defending her father, Hulk Hogan: "I cannot believe how blown out of proportion one small part of a seven-page article has become. It's a classic case of a quote being taken out of context. I look up to my father in every way. He has been through so much and has taken the high road through it all. The idea that he would condone the O.J. situation is just outrageous." [Entertainment Tonight]
• Samantha Ronson's mom, Ann Dexter Jones, says her daughter is doing great post-Lindsay Lohan. "She's really, really well," says Dexter Jones. "She's always working. But I don't pry. I'm giving her her space. She's strong and smart and with a great heart." [People]
• U2 guitarist The Edge wants to build five houses on a hill high above Malibu, but the project would require some feats of engineering and it may anger residents in the neighborhood below, such as Dick Van Dyke, Kelsey Grammer and James Cameron. [The L.A. Times]
• A judge has transferred Redmond O'Neal's two felony drug cases to a court that could send him to rehab again, but says if he sees him again he will be going to prison. [Yahoo]
• The band Fall Out Boy has been banned from appearing in Boca Raton, Florida, because of "known disturbances" associated with the band. Band manager Bob McLynn said, "I'm not sure what these ‘challenges' are that they are speaking of… The town said that if we tried to keep the show on we would have to pay an extraordinary amount of money in extra costs." [Perez Hilton]
• It's looking more and more like the LeAnn Rimes-Eddie Cibrian affair never happened. She and her husband, Dean Sheremet are both wearing their wedding bands again and when asked how the marriage is going he said: "It's all good." [Us]
• Josh Hartnett and ex-girlfriend Helena Christensen were spotted going in and out of several places yesterday, including her apartment, at different times. Are they trying to cover up a relationship? Didn't we just see him earlier today holding hands with a blonde? [TMZ]
• On a recent episode of Family Feud when the topic "What is Ellen DeGeneres best known for?" a man answered seriously, "She's known to not care for our country." Even host John O'Hurley looked freaked out. [Group News Blog]
• Jennifer Aniston is giving her mansion a $15 million renovation to add eco-friendly features like solar panels and drought-resistant plants. [The Daily Mail]
• Drew Barrymore is clearing up what's going on with her and Justin Long. "We're good friends, and we're doing a film this summer," says Drew, "and I think it's very confusing." [People]
• Oh nooes! Kim Kardashian fell asleep with huge sunglasses on and got a sunburn. She has posted a photo of the results on Twitter. [Perez Hilton]
• Rebecca Romijn gave birth to twins three months ago and Lindsay Price, her costar on the upcoming show Eastwick says, "She's the most relaxed mom I've ever seen. With twins and the demanding schedule of one-hour television, she keeps her cool. She never drops a line. She's completely present. I don't know how she does it." [People]
• This morning Billy Bush pulled out of hosting the Miss USA Pageant, and Mark Wahlberg (not he of "tell your mother I said hello" fame) stepped in, but now Bush says he's feeling better and will host Sunday's show. [TMZ]
• Watch Sarah Silverman and Isla Fisher have a fake fight in this scene from the web series Pilot Season. [People]
• You can watch the third trailer for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince here: [New York Magazine]
• NBC's version of the UK show I'm a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! will premiere this summer. Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag, Rod Blagojevich, and Dog the Bounty Hunter, among others, will compete against each other in the jungles of Costa Rica. [Perez Hilton]
• Michael J. Fox says he used to feel embarrassed about having Parkinson's, but, "now I feel and I say all the time that vanity is, like, long gone. I'm really free of worrying about what I look like, because it's out of my shaky hands. I don't control it. So why would I waste one second of my life worrying about it?" [Time]
• A Chelsea club owner says Jay-Z and his posse stiffed them on a $1,500 bill. [NY Post]
• Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner bought producer Brian Grazer's nine-bedroom, 14-bathroom mansion for a little under $20 million. [E!]
• Jennifer Garner says her daughter Violet has messy hair sometimes because: "Ben will do the school run. He dresses her and does her hair. It's pretty funny. You can always tell when he has been at it, just two random barrettes hanging in there. It's so sweet." [Just Jared]
• Russell Brand went on a second date with an unnamed woman, and for Russel Brand that's big news. [The Daily Mail]
• In a new ad for Aura, David Beckham is shown in a Terminator pose. [People]
• Vin Diesel denies rumors that he is gay and says he just likes to keep his private life private. "I'm not gonna put it out there on a magazine cover like some other actors," he said, "I come from the Harrison Ford, Marlon Brando, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino code of silence." [Cotact Music]
• Arnold Schwarzenegger will recognize the charitable contributions of his True Lies costar Jamie Lee Curtis when he presents her with the Courage To Care Award at the third annual Noche De Ninos Gala. [The Daily Express]
• Hud Mellencamp, the 14-year-old son of John Mellencamp has won a division title in the Indiana Golden Gloves boxing tournament. [The Star Tribune]
• "It is kind of addictive, but at the same time pathetic," says Robert Pattinson of the internet, which feeds the worst part of your soul." [The Daily Express]
• Conservatives have taken to using the term "teabagging," when referring to their anti-Obama tea party protests. Boing Boing emailed John Waters to confirm the rumor that the term originated in one of his movies. He wrote back: "'Teabagging' is by my definition the act of dragging your testicles across your partner's forehead. In the UK it is dipping your testicles in your partner's mouth. I didn't invent the term or the act but DID introduce it to film in my movie Pecker. 'Teabagging' was a popular dance step that male go-go boys did to their customers for tips at The Atlantis, a now defunct bar in Baltimore. Hope this helps. — John Waters" [Boing Boing]

20.) Bobby Brown Farts On Carnie Wilson, Pees On Dee Snider
Bobby Brown took a half-hearted stab at earning a pay check and having a country music career via the reality show Gone Country, in which he lived with other out-of-work celebs down South and competed for a record contract. In this clip, he gets drunk, eats ribs, farts and pees.

19.) Teen Bathes, Then Bonds With Senior Citizen
Baby Borrowers was a social experiment in the form of a reality show that was supposed to teach teenagers how hard it is to raise a family and run a household. For some reason, one of the episodes called for the teens to care for senior citizens, maybe to scare them off of the burden of dealing with elderly parents later on down the road. In this clip, a teen has to bathe her senior ward, and then they have a touching conversation about the generational differences of filing nails square or rounded.

18.) Meet The Two Most Effective Forms Of Birth Control
Some episodes of Supernanny are scarier than horror movies. In this clip, two little terrors defiantly pick their noses and wipe the boogers on a wall, physically abuse their mother and say terrifying things like, "I have a dick and a weenie in my weenie," and "I'm gonna fuck you in your privates one day!"

17.) Vagina Insults Are The New "Ya Momma"
MTV's That's Amore — the spin-off of Shot at Love with Tila Tequila — featured women who incessantly talked about other women's vaginas.

16.) American Idol Contestant Who Looks Like Willem Dafoe With Face Glitter
Alexis Cohen was one of those "bad" auditions featured during the open-call leg of American Idol. They're always easy targets, but her working knowledge of the English language and her literal glittery attempt at polishing a turd made her the best of the worst.

15.) Stage Mom Has Violent, Psychotic Outburst
Rocky, stage mother to Haley, from VH1's I Know My Kid's a star first won our hearts when she asked her daughter if her tampon string was visibly hanging below her miniskirt. This freak out sealed the deal.

14.) Woman With A Half Wig Cries About It
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta attracted attention and confusion over her hair — an obvious wig that did not match the color of the natural bangs in the front. Her attempt at clearing the matter up (she had cancer!) only confused everyone more (wait, she only thought she had cancer!).

13.) Pussylicious
The reality show in which women compete for a spot (that's actually never given to them) in the the Pussycat Dolls lineup was called Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, which obviously needed to be shortened to "pussylicious." Especially after one girl's introduction included her saying, "I'm Cassandra. I'm from Aurora, Illinois, I live in Chicago now, and I have a tattoo of cherries on my hoo-ha." Later, another girl gets injured and is forced to dance in her wheelchair.

12.) Women Past Their Prime Audition For Modeling Competition
She's Got the Look was supposed to be America's Next Top Model for the over-35 set. In this clip its obvious that there were reasons beyond their age that have kept these women from working the runway.

11.) Corey Haim Doesn't Understand Why Everyone He Knows Wants Him To Go To Rehab
It's always ridiculous/sad when addicts who can't fully open their eyes or articulate words think that they are fooling everyone. It's double ridiculous when it's someone like Corey Haim who has had a long public history of drug addiction.

10.) Is This Lady's Husband Gay?
Alex and her husband Simon were the breakout stars of Real Housewives of New York. They were attached at the hip, obsessed with teaching their uncooperative children French, and dropped $20k on opera tickets even though their Brooklyn brownstone was literally falling apart. But the question on everyone's mind was whether or not Speedo-wearing Simon is gay or just simply European.

9.) Women Get Wasted, Puke, Break Dishes, & Hock Loogies
This scene from Charm School: Rock of Love was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior since Bret took the girls to Vegas on season one.

8.) Stripper Mom And Porn Star Have Threesome With Dude, While Another Girl Mistakes Couch For Toilet
Scratch that! This is the was the most entertaining display of drunken behavior, brought to us by those classy roommates of Bad Girls Club.

7.) Flavor Flav Draws The Line At Herpes
As though he doesn't have the virus himself.

6.) The Matchmaker & The Mafia
Intervention is supposed to be a poignant, serious show about addiction, however, some of the characters — like this Italian woman who comes from a family who is part of "The Family" — make us smile.

5.) Denise Richards Calls A Celebrity Journalist A Cunt
As much as Denise Richards: It's Complicated sucked, it was fun to see the real reason behind why the tabloids are so hard on her.

4.) Brooke Hogan Is A Sexist Moron
The irony of her show being titled Brooke Knows Best escaped no one. In this clip, she reveals that her thoughts on politics, and how women's menstrual cycles makes them unfit to serve as President.

3.) America's Next Top Model Is A Menstrual Show
Per Tyra Banks' advice, women should bend over and wince in pain, as though they have menstrual cramps, in order to look "editorial."

2.) Terrifying Texas Mom Shows "Pansy" Husband Who's Boss
Wife Swap is a reliable source when looking to investigate the weirdos of America.

1.) Bikini Corie
The best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever, courtesy of Paris Hilton's My New BFF.

• Angelina and Brad are in New York! Angie will walk the red carpet at the New York Film Festival tomorrow, for the premiere of her movie The Changeling, a 1920s thriller directed by Clint Eastwood. We know Shiloh is here, but as for Knox, Vivi, Zahara, Pax and Maddox? We'll have to wait and see. [People]
• Jimmy Smits grabbed a real knife instead if a prop knife and stabbed a stuntman during a fight scene for the TV show Dexter. The stunt guy says: "For the scene, I was bound in Saran Wrap, duct tape over my mouth. I couldn't say a thing as I saw Jimmy grab at the knife. He picked up the real one by pure mistake. It was a mean looking knife… I had a piece of acrylic clear plastic about the size of a Post-it note over my heart…by a miracle, an act of God, the knife landed at the very edge of the plastic. I really thought I'd been stabbed in the heart, but I didn't have a scratch. Jimmy was devastated and couldn't stop apologizing. I told him, I felt more sorry for him than me." [Daily Star]
• Demi Moore took Michael Phelps out for drinks, but it was a business meeting: She wants him to be in a reality show that she and Ashton are producing. [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
• JK Rowling is the world's best-paid author. She makes £3 million a week. [The Sun]

• Did Madonna and A-Rod have dinner in NYC the other night??? [Page Six]
• Sharon Stone denies ever recommending that her 8-year-old son get Botox injections for foot odor. Her attorney says: "Sharon Stone never made this statement. It is a complete fabrication." [People]
• Oh, and Sandra Bernhard denies that she ever used the term "gang rape" in a joke about Sarah Palin. What started as an internet rumor quickly became an AP article that reported Bernhard had been cut from a benefit for a Boston women's shelter because of her performance. If you want to know what she actually said, click here. [HuffPo]
• Sandra also says: "I think if you look at the real issues I'm addressing, my intent becomes clear. I am a die-hard advocate for women's rights, and fully support the work of Rosie's Place." [AP]
• Kirsten Dunst was asked about her teeth being Photoshopped on the cover of Bazaar: "I haven't heard about it," she said. "I've had my teeth changed [on a magazine cover] before," she continued. "I wasn't a big fan of that." But she didn't call a publicist to complain. "I'm not that stressed out about that stuff." [NY Mag]
• Oooh, here's Kiki Dunst talking about rehab, sorta: "I don’t want to be hassled about it. Everyone goes through a hard time in their life. They just don’t have to do it in front of tons of people and with our media the way it is. I did, and I’m lucky that I had the resources and the money to take care of myself. I learned a lot." [Mirror]
• Calum Best thinks he turned Lindsay Lohan into a lesbian. [Mirror]
• Clark of ANTM says when she got booted off the show, "It was like watching a boyfriend break up with me! It was heartbreaking! I didn't see it coming. I really didn't." Hey, did you know she had a nose job? Also, Clark says that she sorta knows who will win: "I have a pretty good idea who it is, but obviously can't say anything about that. I can tell you that the whole thing is a shock." [Yahoo News]
• Speaking of Top Model, Isis is being presented with a Visibility Award by Equality Maryland — a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil rights group. [ONTD]
• Apparently Michael Lohan has determined that he is not the father of Ashley, that alleged love child through a paternity test kit he bought himself at Walgreens. [Perez Hilton]
• Peaches Geldof acted pissy and refused to smile for photographers at a department store photo op — for which she was being paid £5,000 to appear. The photogs asked her to smile and she crossed her arms, scowled and then walked away. Any one willing to smile and attend a store opening for £5,000? [Daily Mail]
• Wow, MTV execs call 19-year-old Peaches a "monster" after collaborating with her on a new documentary in which she attempts to edit a magazine. LOL! Apparently no amount of editing could portray Peaches in a positive light, and one MTV person says: "Everything that comes out of her mouth is horrendous." [The Sun]
• Salma Hayek is part of a UNICEF campaign to eradicate tetanus in mothers and babies. She visited the West African nation of Sierra Leone, where she met with tetanus victims. "I had no idea how much this was going to really personally move me," she says. [AP]
• Ooh, Salma Hayek will be on 30 Rock! [Page Six]
• Jay-Z has been working the Water For Life campaign, bringing clean water to those who don't have access to it. "Many charities, you close your eyes and cross your fingers and hope that the money gets to the people who really deserve it. But with this, I got to go to Africa, see the water pumps. I got to see the kids turn them on." Speaking of kids, do you want some, Jay? "Most people dream of having a family someday. So I'm just a regular American boy." [People]
• By the by, Jay-Z received a Global Leadership Award by the United Nations on Wednesday, thanks to his Water For Life work. [Perez Hilton]
• Heather Locklear's police report has been released. She was "obviously impaired," though alcohol was ruled out. A "Drug Recognition Expert" concluded that she was under the influence of a controlled substance, and could not safely operate a motor vehicle. [TMZ]
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck is not leaving The View. Don't shoot the messenger. [ET, LA Times]
• Madonna is coming to America! Her Sticky & Sweet tour starts tomorrow in New Jersey; then she has four nights at NYC's Madison Square Garden. [Perez Hilton]
• Kanye West's HBO show is on the shelf. It may never air. He had partnered with Curb Your Enthusiasm producer Larry Charles, who says: "It was really good, but...I think it was too hard-core for HBO. HBO doesn't have a good track record when it comes to black shows, and I felt like that may have had something to do with it also." [Yahoo News, via E!]
• Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown is going to renew her vows with hubs Stephen Belafonte in an elaborate ceremony in Egypt. The invitation is 11 pages long. [Page Six]
• Rosie O'Donnell's new live-from-New York variety show will have a test segment which airs Nov. 26, the night before Thanksgiving. [Fox 411]
• Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson! Recording together again! On a track for a tribute album to music legend Quincy Jones! Don't fuck it up, Amy! [Mirror]
• Broadway theaters will dim their lights tonight in honor of Paul Newman, who first set foot on a Broadway stage in 1953. [Reuters]
• 90210 has been yanked off the air in Australia, due to poor ratings. [Perez Hilton]
• Fasten your seatbelts: Annette Benning will star as Margo Channing in All About Eve in a one-night-only staged reading at the Actors Fund benefit. [Variety]
• Natalie Cole is on bed rest after being hospitalized in New York last month due to a setback in her battle with Hepatitis C. [Reuters]
• James Earl Jones will receive the 2008 Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award. He was mute as a child because of a stuttering problem, but overcame it to be the most recognizable voice: Darth Vader in Star Wars, Mufasa in The Lion King and spots for CNN. He says: "Through a love of reading, I was able to overcome my muteness and pursue a career in which my voice would be my most prominent asset." He also says: "Luke. I am your father." [AP]
• Dolly Parton will serve as the ambassador for the 75th anniversary of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. [AP]
• News you cannot use: Marisa Tomei's fake nipple piercings in her new movie took a long time to attach. [Daily Express]
• This paper says Catherine Zeta-Jones had an "off day" and looked orange. She looks okay to me. [Mirror]
• Cameron Diaz paid tribute to her late father, Emilio, at a special screening of There's Something About Mary. "My daddy's in this movie for two seconds," she told the audience. Then she described his scene and did an imitation of his performance. [People]
• Hollywood conservatives Jon Voight, Gary Sinise, Kelsey Grammer and Dennis Miller attended a John McCain fundraiser on Wednesday night in L.A. Zzzzzzz. [E!]
• Robert De Niro and Marty Scorsese are joining cinematic forces for the ninth time. The flick is I Heard You Paint Houses, about the mob hitman believed to have 86'd Jimmy Hoffa. [E!]
• The Writers Guild of America has filed an unfair labor practice complaint against Tyler Perry's production studio. [NY Times]
• Noel Gallagher says Liam Gallagher dyes his hair and wears makeup. [The Sun]
• Uh, this is a UK-specific headline, to be sure: "Geri Halliwell most successful female celebrity author of 08." [Mirror]
• Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky: Getting married tonight. [Page Six]
• "I had this irrational fear at first that by moving on i would be leaving him behind. But that's obviously what you must do, as a parent. I have grabbed life by the throat and I am packing in as much as I can and trying to keep things fun for the boys, actually." — Natasha McElhone, on the tragic death of her husband. [Daily Mail]
• "Having a girlfriend right now would be out of the question. I would like to settle down and have a family. But I'm only 24. Definitely not any time soon!" — Olympic gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte. [People]
• "Here’s the thing about hair; I think most people think that I have Lego hair, like I can just take it on and off in one piece, and that’s not quite the case — although pretty close. I refer to this [phenomenon] as Lego hair, when people think that about me. I think hair is just, like, the most important thing about you. Besides your soul, or maybe your heart, or maybe your crotch…. Or maybe the order I just put those in says a little something about who I am." — Pete Wentz. [People]
• "I’m not gay but I might as well be. I’m the [woman] of the group. We live a gay lifestyle. […] I never read tabloids, I never buy books or go on Perez Hilton and I never ever watch the news. All news is bad. You never hear them say, ‘This dog gave birth to six puppies today.’ It’s always negative, like, ‘All these people got killed.’ I stay totally away from it." — Brooke Hogan, noted wit. [ONTD]
• "It's been incorrectly alleged that I'd abuse a romantic attachment as a publicity stunt. That's below the belt. To love and be loved is the most beautiful thing that can happen to a person, and one's own life is more important than all the glamour and fame in the world." — Jennifer Aniston. [Daily Express]
• "People said, 'You looked better than Beyoncé.' Well, that’s not possible. It’s nice that young people hold me up as a model. Beyoncé is elegant and is handling her career well. A lot of new stars go overboard on sex. They’re half-naked up there. My dresses were a bit short, but I stayed respectable." — Tina Turner, whose tour kicked off this week. [The.Life Files]

[Miami, September 11. Image via X17.]

• Did John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston break up? Sources say she's been dumped. Gah! An unnamed, possibly non-trustworthy, totally random source says: "John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn't ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Contrary to reports, Jen didn't want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together." Is it a good or a bad thing? And how long will we have to hear the "desperate single" gossip about Jen? [Mirror]
• Britney and her sons are wearing white on the cover of OK!. And she, uh, doesn't want Jayden and Preston to have careers in showbiz. "But but I’d love them unconditionally if they wanted to. I’d just as soon they have a more normal childhood," she says. Is it "normal" to be on the cover of a trashy tabloid with your weave-wearing mom? (More in Midweek Madness!) [MSNBC]
• Britney went to a party! And her dad went with her! And she didn't drink! And people say she looked good! [E!]
• Madonna and Guy Ritchie are "on the very cusp" of adopting a little girl from Malawi. Her name is Mercy and Madonna "fell in love" with her at an orphanage last year. [The Sun]

• Meanwhile, Guy Ritchie has been doing ju-jitsu with Jason Statham. "I've been fighting Guy in his garage in L.A.," Jason says. "We're killing each other. That's another of my passions, strangling friends." Why does he make it sound so hot? [Mirror]
• Lily Allen is back with ex-boyfriend Ed Simons but by the time you read this they may be broken up again. [The Sun]
• Rhys Ifans is back with Kim Stewart but by the time you read this they may be broken up again. [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse is finally settling down to work on an album, which she hopes to finish by the time Blake Incarcerated gets out. We'll believe it when he hear it. [The Sun]
• Oh, dear. In a survey of 3,500 Britons, the number one celebrity people had nightmares about was Amy Winehouse. [The Star]
• Officials have released the news that the cause of death for Isaac Hayes was a stroke. The saddest sentence ever: "Family members found Hayes lying on the floor of his home beside a treadmill that was still switched on." [Yahoo News]
• Natalie Portman's directorial debut, Eve, is a 17-minute film described as "a civilized comedy." Opening at the Venice Film Festival, it stars Lauren Bacall and Ben Gazzara. Wanna see! [Yahoo News]
• Oh lord. Here we go again. George Clooney says: "I have never texted or emailed Senator Obama. And I'll offer a million dollars to anyone who could prove otherwise. In fact, I've only talked to the Senator once in the last year and a half… on the phone." WTF. This is the same thing that happened with Scarlett Johannson. We just heard that George was giving Barack tips on policy! Does this mean that the Daily Mail lied? Are we not to believe everything we read? [Yahoo News]
• Nicole Kidman brought her one month old daughter to her movie set. Working mom! [Star]
• Blake Lively's nose job seems to have occurred sometime in 2006. Plus, she says: "I've kissed just three people in my life, other than stuff that I've done for TV or movies. I know — I'm weird!" [LA Times]
• Chris Martin joked about dating other women on Japanese TV, saying, "Thankfully, my wife is over 1,000 miles away." [Mirror]
• Is Tom Cruise's career in the shitter? [Page Six]
• Julianne Moore is a stone cold fox in shots for Wonderland magazine. She talks about always being nekkid in flicks: "People ask all the time if sex scenes and nudity are hard. What’s hard? Not the lines or the physicality, but the emotion." [Daily Mail]
• Does Ryan Adams want Mandy Moore back? [Gawker]
• The fantastic Ellen Burstyn is coming to Law & Order SVU as Stabler's mom! [EW.com]
• Adrian Grenier and Isabel Lucas (aka Shia LaBeouf's car crash costar): Dunzo. [Yahoo News]
• Tori Spelling won't be on 90210 after all. Jennie Garth=sad. "I'm really bummed because I love Tori and I was psyched Tori was going to be on the show. I think she should definitely get paid as much as either of us is getting paid. Her father created the show. It just seems wrong if that’s the case. I don’t know what really happened… I don’t know if it’s about the money." [EW.com]
• Mark Consuelos will perform the ceremony in the marriage of Howard Stern to Beth Ostrosky. Uh… [Fox News]
• Dane Cook is not alone in hating the poster for his own movie. It's dumb and ugly. And a Photoshop of Horrors. [People]
• A Kylie and Dannii Minogue duet of an ABBA song is the campiest thing I can think of without picturing Liberace. [The Sun]
• Shania Twain is "progressing" and "working hard" to get over her split from her husband of 14 years. Breakup advice, anyone? [People]
• Janet Jackson's set list for her upcoming tour: Yes, "Nasty" is included. [Perez Hilton]
• "It was fantastic to do that album. Not only live with that music that I love everyday, but I just worked with such wonderful musicians who are so talented. I would love to do another album. Right now, though, I'd like to focus on developing something to direct." — Scarlett Johansson. [Perez Hilton]
• Jay-Z may use is 40/40 club to take over Las Vegas. [Page Six]
• Adam West, aka Batman, might be on Dancing With The Stars. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton is being sued for not doing enough publicity for a sorority film she was in, National Lampoon's Pledge This! Maybe she was doing them a favor? [AP]
• Now that he's a dad, Clay Aiken is returning to Spamalot, so he can make cash for his baby. The kid's name is Parker Foster Aiken. Unrelated: The pic of Clay makes me shudder. [USA Today]
• Bernie Brillstein, a Hollywood manager and producer, died last week. At a tribute Monday night, Jennifer Aniston, Rob Loew and Kermit The Frog attended. [E!]
• "I hate blogs but I love mine. Cause I can be F-in REAL with people!!!! I wanna make a difference in a good way even if that means speaking my mind. people might take offense to it but whatev. First of all lets address my 'voting" comment- first of all opinions are like (you know whats)-everyone has one. I decided to make a very blunt comment. Notice how i said "I know IIIIII couldn't do it cause I'd be pms-ing and freaking out all the time" ....Honestly I'd LOVE to meet a woman with NO emotional problems....but thats not the point...but its true. LOL Second- Only 54 percent of eligible american voters cast their ballots!!!!!! Half of them are only voting cause its "cool " to vote for so and so...they aren't even up to date on information. I'M personally not up to date on the facts, so I don't wanna make a stupid choice for our country. I WANT to vote but only when I know exactly whats going on. More ppl should think like that. Paris Hilton said "yaaaay go vote cause its cool and hott!!!!" ...SHE WASN'T EVEN REGISTERED. seriously." — Brooke Hogan. [ONTD]

[New York, July 7. Image via Splash.]

The Accused: TMZ
The Crime: Mocking pregnant women for their changing bodies.
The Evidence: "The newest accessory in Hollywood is a baby bump. Let's just hope these don't come with stretch marks. It's all about the cocoa butter ladies!" Because when a woman brings a new life into the world, the first thing on her mind should be taking care of those unseemly stretch marks!
The Sentence: three months of Harlow Richie-Madden diaper duty and a kick in the nuts from mum-to-be Nicole Kidman.

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Ageism; heightism; general assholery.
The Evidence: "If I was on the beach, which I am not and haven't been on in years because I don't live the celebrity life of luxury, I wouldn't mind lookin' at [Denise Richards] in hopes of a vagina lip hangin' out but the second a younger, tighter body walks by this hag, I'll be getting my creep on elsewhere. It's one of those better than nothing situations like the time you jerked off to your sister on a family camping trip because it was between her and your mom and jerking off to your mom just felt too wrong..." Wow, there is just so much wrong here. In Drunken Stepfather's world apparently a "tighter body" means a "better person" and it's cool to jerk off to your female family members, because all women — even the ones who are related to you — are only useful as sexual fantasies.
Additional Evidence : "Here are some pictures of Brooke Shields Leaving the hospital on crutches, I guess her legs finally gave-out from the weight of her testicles." Uh, why is Brooke Shields a man? Because she's tall? I don't even understand this one.
The Sentence: Dysentery. Drunken Stepfather can spend all that time on the toilet thinking about what he's done.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Critiquing a woman's weight; kicking someone when they're down
The Evidence:"Star Magazine is going all crazy over these Britney Spears bikini pictures, claiming she looks great after losing 20 pounds, and she's still losing more. But if you ask me, Britney Spears losing 20 pounds is like Rosie O'Donnell dropping 200: You just wouldn't notice. Regardless, no matter what Britney does, she'll never be attractive again, so I say she should just keep on stuffing her face with Cheetos. At least that way you'll be able to smell the cheesey flavour coming before she crashes her car into your ass." You know, Britney's "attractiveness" to idiots like you is sort of the least of her problems right now. Also, you're a dick.
The Sentence: A lifetime of indentured servitude at the Cheeto factory.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Implying women are men because they are not waifs.
The Evidence: "So, when I say these two rumbled, I mean, literally, the ground shook. Khloe is one solid woman. She could probably give Brooke Hogan a run for her money. Then afterwards they'd swap tips on shaving their testicles. BFFs with balls 4 life!" Jesus — just because a woman has muscles, does not mean she's a man.
The Sentence: A large dose of Nair straight to the ball sack, natch.

[Los Angeles, April 28. Image via INFDaily.com.]

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks.
The Evidence: "Brooke Hogan causes bewilderment in my pants. 1. Don't ever, EVER stare directly into the camera again. I'm now deaf from the ear-shattering scream of my penis. 2. You're not Kim Kardashian. If I wanted to see a dude's butt, I'd watch football - with a room full of male strippers. I don't half-ass anything. Ha! Get it? Ba doom sha! But, seriously, no one needs to see that thing. 3. Be cognizant of what words you're standing under. Particularly the letters 'T, R, A, N, S.'" Hey, I don't love Brooke Hogan. I think it's weird that she bleaches her hair to look like her mom and dad and um, her dad's new girlfriend. But it's just not fair to call her a tranny. She can't help that she inherited genes from her 6 foot 4 and 238 pound father. And there's nothing she can do about it. And being tall and broad doesn't mean you're not a woman! Heh, "broad."
The Sentence: A Powerslam by Hulk Hogan himself.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Again, reducing a woman to her looks; criticizing said looks. And saying that a woman looks like a man.
The Evidence: "2001's international pop sensation, Pink, was in Malibu this weekend with some dude and an unfortunate bikini. Pink is the dude in the bikini. It's hard to tell how in love with yourself you have to be to look like Pink and tattoo bows on the backs of your thighs, but I'm guessing it's a lot. Considering I'd rather have sex with an electrical fence, I'd say it's way more than the agreed upon definition of 'a lot.'" Pink can sing. Pink loves to work out and is fucking strong. Once I was on a photoshoot with Pink and she did some gymnastics on the set, including walking on her hands, and everyone's jaw dropped. Pink can kick your ass. Don't fuck with Pink.
The Sentence: Asian mist, performed by Pink herself.

The Accused: DListed
The Crime: Talking about women in filthiest terms possible.
The Evidence: "Paris is fucking gross and disgusting. The inside of Paris' stomach probably looks like a trash bag filled with cottage cheese due to all the chunky jizz she's eaten. Stupid skank! [Paris and Kim Kardashian] hate each other. Now is our chance to finally rid the world of the two biggest whores. We should have a 'whore off.' We'll stick a hard 12-inch dick in front of them and watch as they suck to the death." As noted before, it's not about defending Paris or Kim — it's about the stigma women who are free and single and maybe enjoy sex have. It's not cool when any man calls any woman a whore, unless, of course, she does collect income from performing sexual acts, in which case "hooker" seems better somehow.
The Sentence: The Boston crab.

The Accused: What Would Tyler Durden Do?
The Crime: Rape joke.
The Evidence: (On an Ashlee Simpson post) "So she's pregnant. That's why the rushed wedding. Stuff like this is why you have to be careful. Always use protection, and if you're like me, always take a moment to lay the girls clothes out just as she had them on. That way you can re-dress her before she wakes up and no one is the wiser." Hahaha, fuck you.
The Sentence: Moonsault.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Mocking a pregnant woman's size. Always a knee-slapper.
The Evidence: "Seven months ago seeing Jessica Alba suck on a lollipop would have been considered hot, but the girl just had to go and get herself knocked up and ruin everything. Not even her milky tits can hide the fact that she's almost the size of a small minivan. Anyway, feels like she's been carrying that hot body-killer around forever. When is it going to drop?" It's just not even funny. Can you believe this site considers itself "for entertainment purposes"?
The Sentence: Piledriver.
Additional Crime: Cellulite-critique.
The Evidence: "Here's Katherine Heigl wearing panties on the set of her movie The Ugly Truth, but unfortunately the real ugly truth is that she needs to work on those legs. They're looking a little Mischa Barton-like. Now ladies, save your 'that's what a woman looks like' emails. It won't fly with me. The girl smokes like a chimney and I highly doubt she spends much time at the gym, so if she's going to prance around in her panties, she better have the goods." Actresses are not anatomical models to be inspected and stamped with your approval or disapproval. A woman is not a piece of meat. Fuck! This pisses me off.
The Sentence: Doomsday Device.

• While Justin Timberlake was working with Madonna on her album, Madge offered JT a B-12 shot. "She proceeds to pull a Ziploc bag of B-12 syringes out [of her purse] and says, 'Drop 'em.' I don't know what you say to that, so I immediately dropped my pants," Justin says. "She gave me a shot in my ass and looks at me and says, 'Nice top shelf.' That was one of the greatest days of my life." [People]
  
• Last night, Madonna was been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Music. Makes the people. Come together. Music makes the bourgeoisie and the rebel. [Mirror]
  
• A source calls Lindsay Lohan's new friends "leeches." Maybe LL is used to that? CoughmommyDinacoughcough? [Page Six]
  
• Dina Lohan on her show, Living Lohan, which begins shooting on the 16th and will air around Memorial Day on E!: "Be nice to us." [Gatecrasher]
  
• "I may be Eccentric, i certainly speak my mind and am slow to put out a record i need to mean the world to ME, and im sure i am quite Nuerotic [sic] but 'Bi Polar'. Thats just slander." — Courtney Love. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• Yeah, yeah, we know. Patricia Heaton has no belly button. [TMZ]

• On her MySpace page, Brooke Hogan speaks out against her friend who had a fling with her father, Hulk Hogan: "I think she shoulda thought about what kinda press she was gonna get when she slept with her best friend's famous father . . . I think we're all seeing just exactly how karma works Christiane. Nothing you say will ever put my family back together." [Page Six]
• Superbad star Jonah Hill: Smokes his weed out of an apple bong. Just like Charlize! [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which 8-year-old son of a daytime TV personality told gossip reporters on the red carpet that he had recently come down from bed to find his famous mom drinking margaritas on the terrace? 'She told me she was going to do the dishes, but she lied to me!' the tyke complained earnestly." [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which clean-cut pop star is a jerk behind closed doors? When a top model accidentally sat on his jacket at a recording studio, the warbler sprinted over and demanded she move immediately." [Rush & Molloy]
• Britney's lawyers are trying to get Kevin Federline to pay his own legal bills; K-Fed pleads poverty — despite recently tipping a waitress $2000 on a $365 bill. Being a bad-ass baby daddy is expensive! [Rush & Molloy]
• Meanwhile, Britney may get some financial independence back: A judge ruled that Dad Jamie can give her a debit card that has a $1500 per week limit on it. [TMZ]
• American Idol alum Sanjaya appeared at a Bat Mitzvah on Long Island and sang two songs — for free. Oy. [TMZ]
• Jessica Simpson does not have her pricey hairdresser with her in Kuwait; she flew a commercial airline and not a private jet, and she is staying in the barracks. "She has significantly scaled back her entourage," he rep says. Just so you know. [People]
• Project Runway winner Christian Siriano says the Saturday Night Live skit in which Amy Poehler does an impression of him was "SO FUNNY. The hair was absolutely perfect. I don't think I could have done it better myself. It was fierce!" [People]
• Mark Ronson will notbe DJing Suri Cruise's second birthday party. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." [ONTD]
• Aww! Emma Watson, aka Hermione Granger, has a new boyfriend. "We've only been going out together for three weeks, but it's brilliant at the moment." [Mirror]
• Uh, this paper claims Jennifer Aniston has dumped her man, Brian Bouma, a crew member on a film she was working on. Did you even know they were seeing each other? Wasn't she with Jason Lewis? [Mirror]
• James McAvoy says Angelina Jolie was rough with him in their new film, Wanted: "She kicked seven colors of poo out of me but, thankfully, I'm still in one piece." [Mirror]
• "Cheeky" photographs of Gisele Bundchen and Kate Moss are being auctioned off. And by cheeky we mean naked. [The Sun]
• HBO has ordered 13 episodes of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, a show based on the best-selling books. Singer Jill Scott stars! [Concrete Loop]
• Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch is in ruins. The Ferris wheel has rusted, the mansion has broken windows and the paint is peeling. The perfect set for a horror film! [The Sun]
• Rosie O'Donnell and Kathy Griffin made a video where they talk about Barbara Walters, lube, Helen Mirren, etc. [Perez Hilton]
• Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is free. He's out of a Nevada jail and headed to Florida, where he'll face charges related to filming underaged girls. [USA Today]
• Janet Jackson is co-writing a book about her journey as an "emotional eater." Um, yay? [Reuters]
• Tori Spelling has a book, too! It's called Stori Telling, of course. She talks about her nose job, boob job, a passionless marriage and trouble with her mother. Also: When her dad died, she only got $800,000 of his estimated $500 million fortune. [USA Today]
• Van Halen continues to postpone shows as Eddie Van Halen continues to undergo tests for an undislosed medical condition. [Reuters]
• Gene Simmons: Bald. [Seriously OMG WTF]

• Did Hulk Hogan have an affair while he was still living with his wife, Linda? And was the woman he slept with a friend of his daughter, Brooke? [Perez Hilton]
  
• Nicole Richie's baby! On the cover of People! Cute! [People]
  
• Someone styled & shot Lindsay Lohan to look like a tired tranny hooker on the cover of Paper magazine. [The.Life Files]
  
• March 17: The date a judge will tell Sir Paul McCartney how many millions he has to give to ex Heather Mills. Mark your calendars! [Mirror]
  
• Is Amy Winehouse back on drugs? Friends say she feels rehab is turning her into "some sort of zombie with no emotion." She apparently says she feels "numb" and recently held a lighter over her hand and purposely burned her skin. Fuck. [The Sun]

• A court in Norway has postponed Amy's drug possession hearing. She was arrested there last October on charges of marijuana possession. She and Blake Incarcerated were due in court Friday, but Blake is due in court in the UK Friday, so he won't be able to make it. So many court dates, so little time. [USA Today]
• Gossip columnist Cindy Adams wrote that pregnant Nicole Kidman was drinking white wine backstage during the Oscars; Kidman's publicist, who was with Nicole backstage, says the beverage was tea and that Adams is "an idiot, and you can quote me." [News.com.au]
• Jenna Bush had a girls-only spa weekend bachelorette party in Boca Raton; her fiancé had a boys' weekend in Miami. [People]
• Jessica Simpson is traveling to Kuwait to "entertain" the troops. Just what they need. [People]
• High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale had a nose job in November; her recently released doll has her old nose. LOL. [MSNBC]
• Something is going on between Jonathan Jaxson of gossip site JJ's Dirt and Perez Hilton, but it's sort of too early to think about it. The gist: Sex tape in return for blogging help. "I fell in love with Perez. I thought he had a huge heart...but he's just a [bleep]hole," Jaxson says. YAWN. [Page Six]
• Jessica Alba says she was called a slut in 6th grade because she had big boobs. That ain't right. [Page Six]
• Did Selma Blair and model boyfriend Matt Felker split because he came home and found her with another man? [Gatecrasher]
• Britney Spears went to the Betsey Johnson store on Melrose in L.A. and asked if they could copy a Dolce & Gabbana dress. They were all, "uh, no." So she bought the yellow wig on a mannequin in the window. [Gatecrasher]
• The LAPD is investigating suspected drugger/robber Sam Lutfi, though they won't come out and say it. [TMZ]
• Kevin Federline is turning 30 next month with a huge party in Las Vegas. Think Brit's invited? [People]
• Lynne Spears has been praising her ex-husband Jamie for taking control of Britney's troubled life. A family friend says, "He's gathered a team of reputable people who are around [Britney] now. She's not well, but for the first time in a long time she has people around her who really care about her." [People]
• Gwyneth Paltrow has shot a public service announcement for UNICEF to raise money for HIV prevention. [People]
• Is Kate Hudson trying to bag Justin Timberlake? A source says she has been "texting him nonstop." But she's also seeing Owen Wilson, apparently. So. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which TV vixen, based in L.A., spent a lot of the writers' strike downtime in New York City? Word is that she was cheating on her boyfriend with her girlfriend." [Gatecrasher]
• That diamond band, wedding-ish ring Ashlee Simpson's been wearing? "It's a promise ring," she says. From Pete Wentz, natch. [Rush & Molloy]
• Bill Cosby is hosting the Playboy Jazz Festival, if you care. What would Claire Huxtable say? [AP]
• Isaiah Washington was on Capitol Hill meeting with the Congressional Black Caucus and lobbying to preserve the history of an island known off the coast of Sierra Leone. [Politico]
• A judge won't let Ja Rule post bail for his homies, who are co-defendants in a gun possession case. [Yahoo News]
• Josh Hartnett: Forced to fly coach. [Page Six]
• Oooh, Ludacris, Thandie Newton and Gerard Butler star in the new Guy Ritchie movie! [Page Six]
• Boy George denies he kept a 28-year-old Norwegian dude handcuffed in his apartment. Do you really want to hurt me??? [Yahoo News]
• Naomi Campbell remains hospitalized in Brazil, though her doctor says she is "completely cured and walking." Be well! [Yahoo News]