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After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back

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The Queen of No
11/17/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
Angelina would hiss! But really, this is very sad. I hope the little boy remembers none of it.
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Mama Penguino
11/17/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
Has anyone seen the website created by the woman who went to China to adopt and ended up leaving her baby there because she thought the girls was special needs (and she didn't want a special needs child)? It's something like China Nightmare or some such thing. Her story is that she was not fit to be this child's mother and she knew that so she thought the best thing she could do was to leave the child in China.

Okay, this is bizarre...I found her (her name is Jen and her blog is under the name Chew) and she's changed her website to "Elmo Live." ?!?!?
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jeepgirl
11/17/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
Being a part of a couple that is currently on the "waiting list" the adoption process, I can see two factors here:

First, she has not resolved her own issues of infertility. We went thru the process with a therapist and social worker to make sure we had worked out our grief and loss so that we could move on and adopt. Clearly, she has not and that is unfortunate for her and whatever bond she could have had with this child.

Second, a child of two is very different from a newborn when it comes to adoption. Whatever history that brought him to this point comes along to his new home and that requires special attention and understanding that is not a factor with a newborn. Doesn't sound like that happened here.

I wish her luck in resolving all those issues and I'm very glad to hear the little boy is in a loving home.

Wish us luck, Jezzies!!!
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Jack_Burton
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
Hmmm. Maybe seeing a shrink first would have been the right choice here.
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lucciolina
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
She has a hard time coming off as sympathetic when photographed in that Mies Van Der Rohe chair.
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Jack_Burton
11/17/08

@lucciolina: Not to mention that she looks like Ann Coulter.
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BrutallyHonestBabes (aka Mrs. Sarah.of.a.Lesser.Hobbit)
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
As someone who is watching a close friend go through years of infertility and the absolute brutalization it has caused to her emotions and body, I cannot really judge Yvette. I don't believe any woman going through that horrid experience (infertility) should immediately adopt. Infertility is like a death and the stress is monumental. Couple that with the incredibly powerful drugs the women are put on... and I admire anyone with the guts to go through it. For me, it is a matter of judge not, lest ye be judged. I have not been there. I just hope for the best for Ben.
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MissTrixieDelight
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
Ok, I'll fess up. New mom of an 18-month old boy here. We went 5+ years of infertility treatment before having him. The pregnancy and delivery were both good, but breastfeeding didn't work out. After he was 3 months old and I still didn't feel any sort of bond to him at all I was so scared. I didn't feel a "love" feeling - I just felt like I was babysitting and just went through the motions of motherhood trying to cause a connection between us. Very bad PPD began and got to the point of making me feel completely disassociated from myself for days. I still took good car of my son. It wasn't until MONTHS after I got my PPD treated and he was 14 months old that I began to feel a bond.

Now, he's the light of my life, first and last thing on my mind always. I never thought I'd feel this way at all and I was afraid and ashamed to admit it for the very reasons people are skewering this woman - a mother is SUPPOSED to love her child, right? Especially after a long, protracted term of trying to conceive, right? For some of us - for whatever reason - it takes awhile and you probably don't hear much about it because it's a shameful thing.

I feel bad for Ben, but he'll be okay - age is on his side with another possible adoption, lots of people would love a little 2-3 year old boy in their lives. I feel really bad for Yvette - she maybe should have given it more time and the bond would have come to them eventually, but she's being judged pretty harshly for doing what she thought was best for Ben. Maybe her last motherly act was the most motherly.
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Maritsa
11/17/08

@MissTrixieDelight: I think there have been studies done showing that women who go through infertility are more likely to experience PPD. And, speaking as someone who went through 3 years of infertility, is on Zoloft for PPD, and now has a 3-month-old son, it makes sense to me - you feel the shock many new moms feel, then you beat yourself up for not feeling the way you're "supposed to" especially since you went through so much to have the baby and you probably prayed for it for years.
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midwesternmom
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
My agency just had an adoption meeting for prospective parents, and those of us with one under our belts were asked to speak about post-adoption depression and bonding issues. So the hopeful parents heard about children who ran away from their new parents in international airports. A four year old boy who headbutted his new mom and broke her nose. A child who would not speak for two months. And noone ran from the room, but they did look a little shocked. Especially when most of us admitted we were already signed up for child #2.
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GalSwearengen
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
My children's best friends are a brother and sister who were adopted at three and five, and had been through a variety of foster homes before meeting their parents. Perhaps here in Australia the law is a bit different, but they had lots of visits and time together to get to know each other before such a big decision was made, allowing for early bonding and getting to know each other over time, and the transition from the children's lovely but elderly foster parents was made slowly. The children are not what I would call completely unscathed by their early experience of course, but the whole family has such a fantastic bond, perhaps allowing it to be made more slowly was a factor.
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midwesternmom
11/16/08

@GalSwearengen: Unfortunately, here in the US children often move due to the breakdown of a foster home, and the transition is abrupt. One of my friends had 24 hours notice before they placed a three year old with his family. The boy ran up to him, hugged his legs, and called him Daddy. And Al cried when he told us that story because he couldn't even imagine all the abuse his son had been through, but he still wanted to be loved.
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Chocolate Sex Bunny
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
All I can say is that she's VERY fortunate she was in a position to give this child back. Many birth mothers feel this disconnect and experience horrible regret over having children and their decision is unfortunately NOT reversible.
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Heycupcake
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
Two weeks? Two weeks is enough time to decide whether or not to KEEP YOUR ADOPTED CHILD?

I got my hair cut two weeks ago and am still dithering about going back for a trim.

My ex-boyfriend admitted he didn't bond at all with his son for months. Until that point, the kid screamed and screamed with colic, and he was exhausted, overwhelmed, and unsure.

In my opinion, two weeks is not long enough to be convinced you won't ever bond.
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rollergirl76
11/16/08

@Heycupcake: Agreed.
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jeepgirl
11/17/08

@Heycupcake: so true
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Sybil.Ludington
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
I feel sympathy for this woman that motherhood was not what she expected it to be, but when she adopted Ben she did become a mother. Her responsibility was to her child. Parents, of course, are still individual people, but being a parent to a baby is being the sole support of an innocent person who relies on you completely. Maybe I am incorrect, as I don't yet have children. But I have pets, and I would not have given any of them up an hour or a year after I brought them into my home. At that point I made a commitment to care for them, and whether they become inconvenient or do not have the personalities I would like. They rely on me and it is my duty to protect and care for them, especially because they cannot care for themselves.
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Mav
11/16/08

@Sybil.Ludington: As an aside, I wish more pet owners have your commitment to them. :/
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PhillyLass
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
"...causing the social worker to recommend that Yvette not be allowed to be with Ben unsupervised. 'That was very difficult to hear,' Yvette says, 'I knew they were only protecting the child, but I would never ever have hurt him.'"

I beg to differ. Welcoming a child into your home and then sending him back like he's the bad apple you found at the bottom of the barrel is very damaging. I agree with those saying that little Ben is better off now that he's with a new foster family and that Yvette was right to recognize (belatedly) that she wasn't ready for this commitment. But, for fuck's sake, work out your shit before you make your issues another person's problem. Especially when that other person is a small child without the emotional resources to deal with rejection. I just can't muster the compassion for Yvette that other posters have. She fucked up. And the system fucked up by not recognizing something was amiss much sooner.
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SW-2
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
Here's what gets me: why did this woman agree to be interviewed about her experience at all? Clearly the problem is with the adoption agency letting her through somehow, and/or the social worker not giving her enough time to bond. But then she went and told her tale to the Daily Mail, which just reinforces the picture I get that she's a narcissist. Why report on this case at all, unless it highlights a core problem with the foster care system, in which case, why would she offer her real name, etc.? (the article says that "Ben" is a pseudonym, thank god, but I assume everything else is real) She wanted her name in the paper, and she wanted to be publicly forgiven. Sorry, honey, just because you learned a life lesson doesn't mean the rest of us are interested in it.

And yeah, where's the dad in all this? What about his feelings/priorities? Maybe he's more of an asshole than we're being told.

And forgive me, but it creeps me a little that this woman looks like Heidi Klum.
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littlebunnyfoofoo
11/16/08

@SW-2: I got the fame whore, narcissistic vibe from her as well. It's a shameful story and yet she's dressed up in her best Sex and the City finery and flat-ironed, perfectly bleached hair. Not exactly a picture of grief and regret. Hard to feel sorry for someone in canary yellow posing on white leather.
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Klassy Lassy
11/16/08

@SW-2: To me she looks like the Kirsten Wiig character on the SNL skit "two a-holes" there's even this one that is two a-holes at a adoption agency, I don't know this lady Yvette but she looks a little bit clueless, and selfish just like the character, that thinks a baby is a toy or something like that, poor Yvette, she clearly has issues.
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yvanehtnioj
11/16/08

@ValenP ___Klassy Lassy___: My first thought was that she looks like Ann Coulter.
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ObtuseIntolerant
11/16/08

In reply to After Only Two Weeks, An Adoptive Mother Gives A Child Back
I'll echo the general sentiment and say this was surely for the best for all involved, especially the baby (he is young enough that this footnote can be unknown to him)...

Her rationale that the problem was him not coming from her is where she has a screw loose...I'd say she lacks a maternal instinct. Nothing wrong with that at all - it's so individual...but I know I have held other people's children and felt the beginnings of that urge to nurture and love them as much as my own...it's just stronger in some of us perhaps.

It seems likely that she mindlessly sought the status of motherhood above anything (it happens - it would have been worse had she given birth and not been able to change her mind after the fact), and the reality was a brutal wakeup call. (I sometimes feel this way when I realize my precious little daughter will someday be a teenager.)

Mostly sad that the process went that far.
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