• Jennifer Garner's Alias spydaddy, Victor Garber, spills that Jen and Ben have a bun in the oven. "She is five months pregnant," he says. They are very happy." [Us Magazine]
• Is Uma Thurman knocked up? [Rush & Molloy]
• People, this is crazy but the Michael Lohan paternity test (remember Ashley Kaufman?) has been delayed. Last week a commenter said that on Maury they can get it done in like 2 days. But apparently the testing company in this case won't process the test without a court order. Michael's going to see if he can get one. [Yahoo News]
• Keith Urban says being a new dad is "pure bliss" and that he and Nicole Kidman are "absolutely overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and well wishes we are receiving." [People]
• A settlement is likely in the Britney/Kevin custody case — meaning it won't go to trial, thank Zeus. [People]
• This just in! The case has been settled. Kevin will get sole legal and physical custody. Britney will have visitation rights. Pending court approval. [Yahoo News, People]

• You know how it was reported that Britney is working on a new album? It was kind of a trick to get her to actually work on her new album. [Page Six]
• A warrant has been issued for Pete Doherty's arrest over claims he yanked a camera from a photographer's neck causing hundreds of dollars in damage. Dude, didn't you just get out of the clink not long ago? [The Sun]
• Paris Hilton's big feet mean she'll have an easy birth? This story reads, "Doctors say big-footed women – such as Paris Hilton, who wears a UK size 10 – are likely to have a large pelvis and so find childbearing easier." Um, yay? [The Sun]
• Writer Polly Hudson says: "Gwyneth Paltrow did the best thing for women since that one who chained herself to stuff in black and white times. She went out without any make-up on." Gwyneth Paltrow, hero to women? [I disagree. -Ed.] [Mirror]
• Miranda Kerr's rep says she has not split with Orlando Boom despite reports that she was seen snogging ex Brandon Davis. Whatever could be going on? [The Sun]
• Are Jen Aniston and Miley Cyrus teaming up? Apparently Jen wants MC to be her costar in an upcoming film. Jen would play an overbearing stage mother; Miley would play the up-and-coming singer. Two big personalities, one film. Question: Has Jen ever been in a good movie? Or is she box office poison? [Star]
• Is Barry Manilow okay? His weight has "plummeted," say the tabs. And he looks a wee frail in these pix. [Daily Mail]
• Bono and The Edge from U2 have won a four-year legal battle to gut and expand their 1930s Art Deco Dublin hotel, the Clarence, into a futuristic landmark. It's the architectural heritage vs. moving forward argument, and heritage lost. [AP]
• Tom Cruise lost a movie role, maybe because he wanted too much money. He seems to think he can still get a $20 million salary. [Fox News]
• Do not stand between 50 Cent and his son. Fiddy wants to see his son! [Yahoo News]
• When Sigourney Weaver was nine, she asked her mother if she thought she was pretty. Her mom said, "No dear, you're just plain." Her mom died 11 months ago and Sigourney says: "We had a difficult relationship. My mother was a difficult person to know. She was very, very private. I am grateful for the five years that I had with her towards the end where we became very good friends." [Mirror]
• Antonio Sabato Jr. on Rachel Hunter: "She's a big girl, but she's sexy as hell." [TMZ]
• This is an awesome headline: "Porn Star In Taxxx Bust." Janine Lindemulder is facing a federal criminal rap for failing to pay about $80,000 in income taxes. She's the ex-wife of Monster Garage's Jesse James. Anyway: Maybe she can get some advice from Wesley Snipes? [The Smoking Gun]
• Showtime is on the verge of greenlighting a dark comedy series starring Edie Falco. She'd play a "strong-willed, iconoclastic New York nurse juggling the frenzied grind of an urban hospital and an equally challenging personal life." The woman is awesome. Who wouldn't buy what she's selling? [Yahoo News!]
• Dennis Farina pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor charge of bringing a weapon into a secure area at LAX. Dude had a loaded, concealed gun at the airport! Anyway he can't own or carry a gun for several months now, boo hoo. [AP]
• Shonda Rhimes, creator and executive producer of Grey's Anatomy, speaks out about Katherine Heigl. "I have a really wonderful working relationship with Katherine. And I love and respect her as an actress. And everyone knows that Izzie is one of my favorite characters. So, for me, [the comment that Heigl made about not having material that was Emmy-worthy] was surprising, but Katie is an outspoken person and I think we all know that already." She also says: "The first half of season she had a very strong story line with George that played out more comedically. The second half, Katherine asked me to write her light so that she could work on her movie… I didn’t feel insulted." [LA Times]
• Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry jokes that Katherine made the comments because "She was drunk." [People]
• Speaking of Grey's, Isaiah Washington has just made a big donation to the Equality California fund that's working to stop the anti-marriage amendment on the November California ballot. His publicist had a same-sex wedding over the weekend and asked friends and clients to donate in lieu of gifts. [Perez Hilton]
• More hair, more boobs, more butt: E! has picked up Keeping Up With The Kardashians for a third season. [Yahoo News]
• Kanye West does not have a ghostblogger! He blogs himself! He wants you to know this! So he posted pictures of himself blogging. On his blog. [KanyeUniversecity, via Concrete Loop]

• OMFG: Madonna wants to reunite Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake on stage during her Sticky & Sweet tour. See, Brit's in a video that will play during the concert; Justin worked on many of the songs on Hard Candy. But will the two of them perform live together??? [The Sun]
• Justin performed at the ESPY awards and everyone loved him. He joked about his notorious 2004 Super Bowl gig with Janet Jackson: "I wanted to be the only guy at a football game to get to second base." He also sniffed David Beckham's shoes and proclaimed, "Smells like $250 million to me!" [People]
• So you now how Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright were arrested in a bar brawl in Shreveport, Louisiana? Apparently they cops used pepper spray and tasers on the actors. One of the officers called Wright the N-word; Brolin was trying to smooth things over when he was repeatedly sprayed in the eyes by cops. [TMZ]
• A source says Balthazar Getty's wife Rosetta is "humiliated" by his affair with Sienna Miller. The friend notes: "Rosetta left the country to protect the kids, and he continues to see Sienna publicly. It's humiliating." But apparently Balthazar and his wife had been living separate lives for a while. It's so hard to tell if Sienna's a homewrecker or if Mr. Getty is a cad. Or both. [People]
• Is Kirsten Dunst stalking Emile Hirsh? [Page Six]

• In a move that will surely not surprise you, Matthew McConaughey wants to start a record label, and his first artist is a reggae guy called Mishka. [Page Six]
• The Al Reynolds YouTube video is such a slo-mo trainwreck. His hair is weird and he kind of says people think he's gay because he brushes his teeth and dresses nicely. But he states, "I am not a homosexual." [Page Six]
• Director Mike Nichols had a coronary bypass over the weekend. Wife Diane Sawyer is by his side as he recovers. Be well! [Page Six]
• Angelina Jolie ruined party coverage in St. Tropez. Ruined it! [Page Six]
• Last year, Maxim called Sarah Jessica Parker the "Unsexiest Woman Alive," an insult she deemed "brutal." Are they trying to soothe her wounds? She's the "Unexpected Crush" in the August issue. [Page Six]
• As reported in Midweek Madness, Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom have split; the Victoria's Secret model has rebounded with her ex, oily oil heir Brandon Davis. Downgrade? [News.com.au]
• Also in Midweek Madness: It's a girl for Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. Pete's been sewing onesies. No, really. [Star]
• Also, in a crowd of paparazzi yesterday, Pete had to yell, "She's fucking pregnant, move over!" to get a path cleared for himself and Ashlee. [ONTD]
• Verne Troyer still lives with his ex-girlfriend, the young lady seen on his sex tape. "Ranae’s still in the house," he says, which "makes it even harder, to, you know, not strangle her." [MSNBC]
• Daisy Lowe says boyfriend Mark Ronson approves of his sister's relationship with Lindsay Lohan. "Lindsay is really down to earth. Her and Sam make a lovely couple - they seem really happy," says Daisy. "Their relationship is totally genuine. And they're just so sweet together. Mark totally approves." [The Sun]
• Here's a cute picture of Lindsay kissing Sam on the neck. [TMZ]
• The Samantha Ronson/Perez Hilton lawsuit still exists, sorta: Yesterday, Sam filed a negligence complaint against the lawyer who failed to win her defamation suit. Messy! [Yahoo News]
• "She turns it on. A lot like Madonna. Where a lot of other artists are nervous or they're primping, you know, Madonna walks on and is casual; cameras are on her and then all of the sudden, wow! Same thing with Miley. She's hanging out, she's telling the jokes, she's laughing, she's signing an autograph. Camera goes on her and she was just unbelievable." — Brett Ratner on Miley Cyrus, for whom he directed a music video. [Yahoo News]
• Ronnie Wood has entered rehab. Guess guzzling booze with an 18-year-old cocktail waitress who is not your wife of 23 years was not the right choice. [Reuters]
• Katie Homes will guest star on Eli Stone, her first primetime TV gig since Dawson's Creek. [People]
• Kelly Brook and Billy Zane are back together and Kelly's got an engagement band back on her finger, if you're keeping track of those two. [The Sun]
• Heath Ledger's uncle has been charged with stealing and receiving stolen goods in Perth, Australia. [News.com.au]
• Oh, l'amour! Rosario Dawson has a new boyfriend, a French DJ. [People]
• Mena Suvari's engaged! Her beau is a music producer named Simone Sestito. This will be the second wedding for Mena; she divorced her (18 years older) first husband, Robert Brinkman, in 2000. She was 21. [Yahoo News]
• Penelope Cruz is sofa king hot on the cover of the August issue of W. Penny sez: "I try not to go on the Internet and read about myself. It’s a guaranteed way to get angry for no reason. You start looking at yourself from the outside, from the wrong place. And everything is out of proportion. The good things, the bad things — everything." And! On Javier Bardem: "I think he’s the best actor alive. I think he has an amazing talent." [JustJared]
• Three words: Andy Dick's dick. [Perez Hilton]
• Brian Bonsall was due to appear in court yesterday but didn't show up. Now there's a warrant out. Someone's going to jail. [Perez Hilton]
• "Talk to your children, at least once a week. If you've got time, do it two or three times a week. But otherwise, I find the times where I let weeks and weeks go by without talking to my children, that adds up." — Will Ferrell's (joking) advice to new mom Nicole Kidman. [People]
• Tori Amos: Working on a "secret" musical. [Best Week Ever]

• Whoa, Reese Witherspoon runs a tight ship! And now that Jake Gyllenhaal has moved in, he has to abide by the rules: "Reese believes in wide-open communication, and she discussed at length with him what is best for her household,” sez a source. "Some of (the things she insists on) are run-of-the-mill. He has to take off his shoes when he’s in the house; trash must be taken out when the can is three-quarters full; and no feet on the coffee table." Plus! "Jake used to swear like a sailor, but not anymore. If he does, he has to apologize." [MSNBC]
• Jennifer Lopez doesn't let her twins "repeat" clothes: They wear a new designer outfit every day. They also have Waterford crystal bottles. That's a joke. Maybe. [Showbiz Spy]
• Madonna, Guy Ritchie and the kids went for a stroll in New York, so is the marriage really on the rocks? [Mirror]

• Oh, and Madonna is "loving" the attention she's getting from the scandal. She and Guy aren't planning on divorcing and she's not into A-Rod. Plus, Guy's not bothered by anything Cynthia Rodriguez has to say: "They have an unconventional marriage," a source says. [Page Six]
• Alex Rodriguez is trying to save his marriage. Good luck! [The Sun]
• Here are some shots from that "very deep," "top secret" video Britney is filming for Madonna's Sticky and Sweet tour. (As previously reported, apparently you see a person wearing a black hoodie who gets stuck on an elevator. When this person realizes she's trapped and can't get out, she starts to kick the walls and hit things. She screams into the camera. Then she takes off the hood, revealing long blonde locks, looks into the camera and says, "It's Britney, bitch." Haha, deep as a paper plate. [E!]
• Something is up with Britney's child custody case: A hearing that was supposed to happen today is rescheduled for Friday. Here's the thing: Britney's not supposed to be able to get custody while she is in a conservatorship with her dad: If you can't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others? So something's gotta give… We'll see. [TMZ]
• Lily Allen, who recently got back together with ex Ed Simons, has a new song on her MySpace page, about getting back together with an ex. [The Sun]
• Justin Timberlake's grandma thinks he should get hitched to Jessica Biel. "I just want them to be happy," she says, probably prompted by a British reporter. "Justin should get married in Lynn’s back yard in Tennessee. She has a big yard with beautiful flowers. I think it would be perfect. Jessica’s really sweet. She’s his age and isn’t possessive. I think their personalities are a lot alike." [The Sun]
• Angelina Jolie's dad, Jon Voight, is "so excited" about the twins, though he hasn't spoken to Angie yet. It sucks that they're estranged, but he can read all about her on the newsstand, huh? [Yahoo News]
• The leather jacket Angie wore in Wanted is up for charity auction, as is a golf session with Morgan Freeman. Tough choices. [E!]
• The battle for Angie's baby pictures is getting heated: Will it be OK! or People? [Rush & Molloy]
• Quentin Tarantino and Brad Pitt are meeting today regarding QT's WWII movie Inglorious Bastards. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Sienna Miller is seeing Balthazar Getty, but she didn't bust up his marriage. A source says he and his wife have been on the rocks for a year and quietly separated. [Rush & Molloy]
• Mug shots of Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright after the bar brawl in Louisiana. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "Which cocaine-loving actress is said to be relying on her closeted husband to meet guys? A source says that when they were at a party recently, the hubby asked a fellow guest, 'Do you want to bleep my wife? Because you can.'" [Rush & Molloy]
• Kylie Minogue: Aussie tour! [News.com.au]
• The Vanity Fair cover of sorta nekkid Miley Cyrus garnered a record-breaking 915 reader letters, mostly negative. [WWD]
• Whoopi Goldberg will be in the Broadway musical Xanadu for six weeks while the The View is on hiatus. Will she rollerskate? [NY Times]
• Page Six got something wrong and Paris Hilton is pissed; try to muster some interest. [Perez Hilton]
• Heath Ledger's family went to the premiere of Dark Knight last night. His father says the movie was "very good." [People]
• If Michelle Williams wants little Matilda to receive Heath's assets, she'll have to file a claim with Australian court. [News.com.au]
• Hopefully Khloe Kardashian likes stripes! She violated her drunk driving probation and has to serve 30 days in jail. She's supposed to report to the facility on Friday. [AP]
• The policeman from the Village People is recovering from vocal cord surgery. Be well, macho man. [Reuters]
• Brendan Fraser was a producer on Journey to the Center of the Earth and saved a bunch of money by changing the script: "Some people look beyond their nose and say, 'It's just writing.' Yeah well, you know, [whispers] It's the best part. All we have to do is change the screenplay around a bit, restructure it, it's a quick thing. It's a cheap fix, in other words." Sure, sure, change a writer's words, they love that. [LA Times]
• Holy crap. Janet Charlton's house is freakin awesome. Is this how bloggers live? Where is my freakin tiki bar??? Or pool, for that matter? [WOW Report]
• Okay, so you know how Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood left his wife for an 19 year old Kazakhstan waitress? His family is begging him to come home, because apparently he and Miss Ekaterina Ivanova are on a drinking binge: Ronnie's been downing two bottles of vodka a day for the last ten days. It's only rock and roll… [Daily Mail]
• Amy Winehouse is making Blake Incarcerated a scrapbook of stickers of footballers. [The Sun]
• You could read this "night in the life of Amy Winehouse," but you probably already know what it says: She arrives disheveled, drinks a passion fruit daiquiri, hollers about mayonnaise, writes a letter to "my Blakey" ("I can't wait to see you and fuck you senseless"), maybe does coke in the loo, jumps in the trunk of a Mercedes and makes it home by 3:30 am. [Mirror]
• Rocky Aoki, founder of Benihana restaurants, died last week, and his daughter Devon was seen shopping for dark sunglasses. [Page Six]
• "When you make out on the show, it's just an open mouth. Your lips are touching each other, but there's definitely no kissing" — Blake Lively of Gossip Girl. [Page Six]
• "Obesity is not a disease, as the Americans term it, but it's just greed. The only cure for being fat is to 'not eat.'" — Ricky Gervais. [Mirror]

• Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham was on a plane with kids Romeo and Cruz when a bird flew into one the of the aircraft's engines right before take-off. According to The Sun, "Passengers screamed as the pilot slammed on the brakes and the plane screeched to a halt. It was then that the horrifying scale of the disaster really hit home for Victoria — she realised she was wearing standard-issue aircraft pyjamas and no make-up." [The Sun]
• Amy Winehouse hit her own damn bodyguard. Get a grip, girl! [The Sun]
• And here's a man who says Amy Winehouse punched him in the face three times at a pub. Is this new news? It's so hard to tell. [The Sun]
• Jamie Lynn Spears and new baby! Picture! [ONTD, via OK!]
• Is Mary-Kate Olsen heading back to rehab? Midweek Madness will have more on this later. [Star]

• Madonna is pissed that lawyers are saying her relationship with Alex Rodriguez is "an affair of the heart." [The Sun]
• The New York Post points out: "Yesterday's Times reported, 'Madonna has denied having an affair with Rodriguez.' In actuality, the hair-splitting statement issued in her name said she is 'not romantically involved with [Alex] Rodriguez.' As many readers of this newspaper know, you don't have to be romantically involved to have an affair." [Page Six]
• When Lenny Kravitz learned he was being accused of having an extramarital affair with Alex Rodriguez's wife, Cynthia, he "looked like he was going to throw up," according to a witness. Apparently Lenny fired Guy Oseary, who then planted the Cynthia Rodriguez story in retaliation. Messy! [Page Six]
• Alex Rodriguez was seen having lunch with Rabbi Michael Berg, the director of the Kabbalah Centre. What does it all meeaaaaaaaaaaan? [People]
• The Britney/Madonna video will be "very deep." [ONTD]
• Matthew McConaughey's little surfer dude is named Levi Alves McConaughey. [DListed]
• Jessica Simpson is "deeply hurt" by Pam Anderson calling her a "bitch and a whore" for wearing a T-shirt that read "Real Girls Eat Meat." [MSNBC]
• The Christie Brinkley divorce case chugs along. A shrink thinks Christie and Peter Cook both need therapy. [Fox News]
• But! Between the two, the psychiatrist thinks Christie is the one who should get custody. Because Peter Cook is a narcissist with a bottomless ego, blah blah blah. [Yahoo News]
• Nashville, TN is having a moment: Nicole Kidman gave birth there, Miley Cyrus, who grew up there, is also filming a movie in town; Sheryl Crow, Jack White and Kid Rock all own homes in Nashville. [Yahoo News]
• There will not, repeat, NOT, be a Friends movie. You may return to your regularly scheduled ennui. [Perez Hilton]
• Nick Cannon proposed to Mariah Carey twice! First when they were hanging out on her rooftop, he hid a 17-carat diamond inside a candy ring pop. A few days later, "He sort of kidnapped me and took me on a helicopter ride," she says. "Then he re-proposed." She spills this in the new Elle magazine. She's on the cover next to a line that reads, "Feeling broke?" Compared to Mariah I am, thanks! [People]
• Oprah's show helped the DVD of the BBC show Planet Earth sell 3m copies worldwide. She should be in the dictionary under "juggernaut." [Financial Times]
• David Lee Roth almost died! He was in anaphylactic shock due to a nut allergy when cops pulled him over for speeding. Now I'm gonna have "Just A Gigolo" stuck in my head. Ayyyyy ain't got nooooo body… [Perez Hilton]
• Will Pete Doherty and Kate Moss get back together? Apparently they've been "swapping hot texts." [Mirror]
• The news that Chris Martin loves changing diapers is almost as boring as a Coldplay song. [The Sun]
• Twenty-year-old model Lily Cole: Went out with thirty-five year-old Jude Law recently; is now seeing rocker Bryan Ferry, 62. The Mail says, "He's old enough to be your granddad!" [Daily Mail]
• The Balthazar Getty/Sienna Miller affair continues, and now they're in Italy… as is Balthazar's wife. [Page Six]
• Kathie Lee Gifford: Seen using some sort of exercise device in the ladies room of a New York city restaurant. [Page Six]
• Russell Simmons is on the market! Porschia Coleman, the lady he was dating when his wife Kimora filed for divorce, is now out of the picture. Brown, leggy model? You could be next! [Page Six]
• Kirsten Dunst: Seen making out with a downtown DJ. [Page Six]
• The previously discussed Jimi Hendrix sex tape will hit very soon. Are you experienced? [Rush & Molloy]
• Kinda lame blind item: "Which chummy-seeming reality-show hosts can't stand each other off-camera?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Another beauty queen with "embarrassing" photos! This time it's Elyse Umemoto, Miss Washington 2007. She's just like, flipping off the camera, holding booze and making "suggestive oral sex gang signs." [TMZ]
• "George is a great guy, a wonderful person. I don't regret spending time with him, and he's a great person to get to know. We still remain friends and have kept in touch. In fact, we spoke over the phone a couple of days ago. He's fun to be around, down to earth, laid back, funny and smart. Most people know George has a great sense of humor and is an adept storyteller, but I will always miss his extraordinary dance moves." — Sarah Larson. [L.A. Times]
• "Who doesn't feel the pressure in this business? You can't be in it as a woman and not be mowed down by these things. You can either submit - or just get mad and defy it! I don't work out. I am fatter than any movie star you have ever met! But, you know, I don't care! My oldest daughter is an actress and the pressure on her to remain really, really, really thin, to be glamorous is intense. To be at openings and wearing couture and having people throw borrowed clothing and borrowed jewellery at her like she is a mannequin, just to sell other people's crap. It is too bad. It doesn't really enhance your ability to do the job." — Meryl Streep. [Mirror]

• Madonna speaks! "My husband and I are not planning on getting a divorce. I know Alex Rodriguez through Guy Oseary, who manages both of us. I brought my kids to a Yankee game. I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study." [People]
• And yet! Alex Rodriguez's wife has left him. A source says: "The embarrassment over Madonna was the last straw. She flew to Paris to get out of town before everything blew up between them. There is no affair with Lenny Kravitz. They are good friends." [People]
• This report says Guy Ritchie wants the marriage to work for Rocco's sake. Apparently he loves Rocco "the most." A source says: "He absolutely adores Lourdes and David and has always treated them as if they were his own. But Rocco is Guy's flesh and blood." [Sunday Mirrror]
• Madonna's brother's book says Madge kissed Gwyneth Paltrow on the lips at a Donatella Versace party, which, frankly, is not so shocking. [The Sun]
• Model Lily Cole and Jude Law: It's on. And she spent the night. [Mirror]
• By the by! Jude is 35 and Lily is 20. [ONTD]
• Christina Applegate's boyfriend, Lee Grivas, was found dead in his apartment last week. The 26-year-old had a history of drug abuse. [Fox News]

• Is Britney Spears "getting close to" Mel Gibson's son Edward? [Mirror]
• Britney and Madonna made a video that will be part of the backdrop during Madonna's Sticky and Sweet tour. And Brit MIGHT join Her Madgesty on stage! [The Sun]
• Diddy almost didn't make it into his own 4th of July party in East Hampton — the parking lot was too crowded. The humanity! [Page Six]
• Did Nicole Richie get kicked out of the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas for being rowdy? (Her rep says no. But something happened.) [TMZ]
• Amy Winehouse performed in front of tens of thousands of people in Spain — with a glass of red wine in her hand. Cheers! [AP]
• Amy Winehouse hit (another) fan. This time a guy was trying to take her picture — but pinched her bottom. [The Sun]
• The picture of Blake Fielder-Civil doing heroin in his jail cell is like deja-vu all over again. [The Sun]
• Christie Brinkley on the chick who had an affair with her husband: "I feel bad for her and I forgive her completely." [People]
• The person she does not forgive is her husband, duh. His lawyer says, "I think it's pretty clear she's doing this out of revenge." [People]
• Kanye West is kind of pissed that when Harper's Bazaar came to his home, they assumed that the painting of a black angel on his ceiling is actually a painting of Kanye with wings. Says Kanye: "People think I'm so so so cocky that I would have something like that… Why didn't they write that my house had no pics of me, no plaques or awards, just art." A better question: Why assume that because the angel is black, it's Kanye? Does the mag think all angels are blonde, blue-eyed cherubs? [Kanye Universecity]
• Morrissey's cool, but it's kind of mean that he doesn't think Kylie Minogue deserves the Order of the British Empire she received recently. [Daily Express]
• Jim Carrey hit the beach in Malibu with Jenny McCarthy — wearing Jenny McCarthy's swimsuit. Which is supposedly hilarious. [The Sun]
• This George Clooney Martini ad is seven or eight different kinds of awesome. Shannyn Sossamon's cute; George is sofa king cool. [De Standaard]
• Another commercial to have a crush on: Tina Fey and Marty Scorsese for American Express. "I love those warm nuts." [Beam.TV]
• Nick Cannon says marriage to Mariah Carey is "the best thing that ever happened to me." No shit! [People]
• Sorry, but this trainwreck of an interview with Ranae Shrider, the lady on the Verne Troyer sex tape, is too awful not to share: "I'd lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me," she says. "And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees! It wasn't quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn't wear a condom. There was no point, they're all too big. On the whole though, he wasn't short of sexy skills and tried his hardest to make up in technique what he lacked in size." [News Of The World]
• Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong went shopping with the kids — his and hers. Moving right along! [The Sun]
• Chloe Sevigny hearts Sonic Youth. [Page Six]
• Hot hottie David Annable of Brothers and Sisters says riding a motorcycle is like having sex: '"You can't be too aggressive but can't be overcautious." [Page Six]
• Snoop Dogg starring in a Bollywood music video makes perfect sense somehow. [Page Six]
• Usher's record sales are meh, so he might re-hire his mom as his manager. What will his wife say about that? [Rush & Molloy]
• Lynda Carter, aka Wonder Woman, says she used to be an alcoholic. "I needed help — I begged God in heaven to help me figure this out," she says. She's been sober for 10 years. [UPI]
• "I'm going to dedicate a song to my very, very, very, very, VERY pregnant wife!" —Keith Urban, before singing his hit, "Better Half." [People]
• Oh, apparently Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are planning a baptism ceremony in Sydney for their unborn child. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• Jamie-Lynn Sigler will be on three episodes of Entourage, playing herself… and maybe a love interest for one of the boys. Wanna bet it's Drama or Turtle? [E!]
• The new 90210 will have a new Peach Pit, but maybe with the same old Nat inside. [Yahoo News]
• Bindi Irwin has her own doll, which comes with binoculars, a camera, a cockatoo, a wombat and a python. [AP]
• Susan Olsen, aka Cindy Brady, was so hungover on some radio show that she had to rush out and puke. There's video, sorta. [CNN]
• City leaders in Malibu are trying to restrict the paparazzi in the area — the number has tripled; they're tailing celebrities on highways and once councilman says it's a "chaotic situation that keeps on getting worse." [Reuters]
• Former Bachelor star Andrew Firestone married a Serbian model on Saturday. Try to seem interested. [US Magazine]
• For her new show, Kath & Kim, Selma Blair says: "I let myself go a little. I didn't get fat, because that would sound wrong. I'm never going to be a big girl — I'm just a little floppy. It's hard going to the gym. It hurts. And it hurts when you don't see results. There's mirrors all over the gym!" [LA Times]

The Accused: Perez Hilton
The Crime: Blaming the victim.
The Evidence: Regarding the Christie Brinkley divorce, Peter Cook's affair and $3,000/month budget on internet porn, PH writes,

"Maybe Christie wasn't satisfying him??? Seems like that was DEFINITELY the case!"

Or! The dude is a cheating sex-addicted dirtbag! That could DEFINITELY be the case!
Additional crime: Reducing a woman to her orifices.
The Evidence: On a post about Sienna Miller dating two new men:

"Hey, she's got three holes - that's enough to keep three men happy easily."

Yeah, not funny.
The Sentence: 500-page essay on the objectification and dehumanization of women in our culture, with a 100-page well-researched addendum on the psychological state of children whose mothers have been cheated on by husbands who hooked up with teens not much older than the children themselves.

The Accused: Webster's Is My Bitch
The Crime: Bodysnarking an infant.
The Evidence: On a photo of Nicole and tiny, helpless Harlow Madden:

"Yikes. That's uh, some baby ya got there, Nicole. At any rate, if 'getting fat' isn't enough to dissuade Paris Hilton from procreating with Benji Madden, hopefully this oughta do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the Madden brothers are perfectly nice and everything, but I don't know that "pasty, big head" are necessarily qualities I'd look for when choosing a sperm donor. Put a pair of ray bans and a fedora on that thing and I'd think that there was three of 'em."

The Sentence: A public apology and 60 hours community service in the neo-natal unit of your local hospital.

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Mocking a woman's weight, calling an average-sized woman "fat."
The Evidence: This description of Rachel Hunter:

"She looks like the East German hammer throwing team’s secret weapon, not a former swimsuit model turned reality star. It still doesn’t explain why her face got fatter, though. Maybe the folks at NBC made her maintain a strict circus diet of peanuts and cotton candy for her role as Bertha, the Lesbian Lumberjack Circus Clown. Rod Stewart sure dodged a bullet on this one!"

The ensemble is unfortunate, but she is on a circus show. And! Know what? She is 38 and makes way more money that you do. She doesn't have to put people down on the internet to feel better about herself. Shut yer trap.
The Sentence: A strict diet of peanuts and cotton candy for 90 days, followed by a bikini shoot to be plastered worldwide.

We interrupt this post to bring you…
The Drunken Stepfather Rant Of The Day:

"So, I went out to KFC to get my wife a bucket of chicken, and this black chick in the shortest fucking skirt and low cut shirt walks in like she’s Naomi Campbell and should be walking the runways in Paris and not the line-up at a fried chick place. Her body was lean, her legs were long and her tits were huge and she made me mad that I never bagged a black girl because I was always too scared they’d rob me. About a minute later, her pimp or boyfriend or dude she’s fuckin’ walks in and motherfucker was definitely packin’ heat, so I just minded my own business as they went at each other and her fondled her ass and stuck his tongue down her throat and she grabbed at his dick one minute, like they were at a swingers party but were really just at a fried chicken place, something equally sexy to some people. I just looked the other way because I wasn’t going to get shot and ignored them as they fought over their order and dude turned around and slapped her across the face for stepping out of line because he only had enough money for 1 drink and she called him a broke ass nigger in front of the whole restaurant, the next minute. It was a beautiful experience, one of total dysfunction and ghettoness, one far more beautiful than Naomi Campbell in a bikini kissing some rich white dude."

…You may now return to your regularly scheduled ennui.

The Accused: I Don't Like You In That Way
The Crime: Nasty nitpicking of a woman's body.
The Evidence: A "upskirt" photograph of Britney Spears, which is, in and of itself, a gross invasion of privacy, though, unfortunately, legal, is accompanied with this text: "If you have a short gag reflex, you might not want to look at these pictures of Britney Spears at Sur in West Hollywood the other night. Mostly because it looks like Britney's ass is growing a beard. I don't know the level of self-esteem it would take to wear this dress with hair growing out of your ass, but needless to say, Britney Spears could teach the class. If Britney's ass was bent over in front of me, I would be pretty sure that I was gay."
The Sentence: Any suggestions?

Want to report a Crime Against Womanity? Send the link to tips@jezebel.com with "Missdemeanors" in the subject line.

• The latest on Sienna Miller is that she had "secret dates" with Balthazar Getty before breaking up with Rhys Ifans. Balthazar, as you may know, is the son of Jean Paul Getty III, who was kidnapped in 1973 and had his ear sliced off and mailed to a newspaper. His grandfather JP Getty was once one of the richest men in the world. Balthazar is married. He has four kids, the youngest of whom was born in October 2007. So. If this romance is true, it may be ill-advised. [The Sun]
• Balthazar's wife is "furious" and speaking with divorce lawyers today. [Mirror]
• Guess who is helping Sienna's ex, Rhys Ifans, get over his breakup? Kate Moss. [The Sun]
• This video is of Amy Winehouse throwing elbows and punches during her Glastonbury performance on Saturday night. Apparently some idiot tried to grab her hair. If so, this person got off easy. [BBC News]
• This report says someone tried to grab Amy's breasts. [CNN]
• At the concert, apparently Amy started out confident but ended up "forgetful, slurry and angry." [The Sun]

• At Nelson Mandela's birthday show on Friday night, Amy rhymed "free Nelson Mandela" with "free Blakey, my fella." [Daily Express]
• Amy's antics sorta overshadowed the fact that Jay-Z, the first hip-hop artist to headline the Glastonbury festival, had a great show. [Guardian]
• Beyoncé attended Glastonbury and watched the hubs perform. [Daily Mail]
• Oh, and you know how Noel Gallagher was like, it's wrong to have hip-hop at Glastonbury? Well, Jay opened his set with a cover of Oasis' "Wonderwall." And Hova played guitar. [Concrete Loop]
• By the by, Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are "eroding children's moral values." [Telegraph]
• Amy Winehouse hates Kanye West; Kanye says "Now I've really made it!!! LOL!!!" [Socialite Life]
• So yeah, after Jessica Simpson wore that "Real Girls Eat Meat" T-shirt, PETA was effing pissed. But! Did Jess only wear it to mock Tony Romo's ex, Carrie Underwood, who is a vegetarian? [The First Post]
• Guess who else is pissed about Jessica's shirt? Pamela Anderson. She says "I think [Jess] is a bitch and whore." Me-ouch! [The Sun]
• What's this? Steven Tyler's rehab stay wasn't just for foot pain? He was hooked on pain and sleep meds? Really? Never would have guessed. [Breitbart]
• Holy shit: Britney at the MTV Awards? Maybe? Getting a second chance? This is an amazing country we live in. [Yahoo News]
• Meanwhile: Over the weekend, Britney had a 12-hour overnight visit with her sons. Oh, and Kevin Federline's working on a song called "Daddy's Home." [E!]
• Does Lindsay Lohan have a secret half sister? Michael Lohan hooked up with some woman named Kristi like 12 years ago. [Yahoo News]
• Kristi says: "My daughter has a right to know who her father is — and it's Michael." The kid in question, Ashley, is 13, poor thing. [Perez Hilton]
• Nicole Kidman is compiling music to listen to while she's in labor: Keith Urban and famous Irish flautist Sir James Galway are on her (snoozeworthy?) mix CD. [News.com.au]
• Guy Ritchie has vowed to save his marriage, claims this paper. He's "terrified" he will see less of Rocco if he and Madonna split. [Mirror]
• Friday night Madonna, her three kids and Carlos Leon went to Sabbath services at the Kabbalah Centre in New York. Where was Guy? In London. [People]
• Guy Ritchie's mom says "there is no divorce," but what does she know? [Telegraph]
• Is Guy Ritchie trying to get marriage advice from Trudie Styler? [Mirror]
• And! Is Madonna's brother, Christopher Ciccone, shopping a reality show about… being Madonna's brother? [Page Six]
• Jennifer Aniston is becoming a John Mayer superfan. Also, as these pictures prove, she can't keep her hands off the dude. [Daily Mail]
• Ugh, some people are calling her "clingy Jen." WTF. [MSNBC]
• Miley Cyrus says her negative press has an upside: "I was embarrassed," she says about that Vanity Fair kerfluffle. "but also it’s like, every career thing that I do can't be perfect, and sometimes my decisions are wrong. I think that just makes me even more relatable." [MSNBC]
• Larry King's wife is in rehab and people are "hoping she'll start eating again." She does look rather… narrow. [Rush & Molloy]
• Grammy-winning artist Wyclef Jean of The Fugees is working to develop Haiti, one of the poorest nations in the Americas: "Charity will never solve Haiti's problems," he says. "Haitians want jobs, they want to develop their agriculture to produce food, not to everlastingly receive food assistance." [Reuters]
• Will former porn actress Tera Patrick star in Quentin Tarantino's remake of Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill!? [Page Six]
• That Baby Borrowers show is bad for babies, says a non-profit group that focuses on the well-being of babies. [Page Six]
• Christie Brinkley's divorce case will focus on adultery: The chick her husband had an affair with two years ago is now 21 years old. [UPI]
• Remember how, as previously reported, Will Smith and his wife founded a school in L.A.? Well some of the teachers are members of the Church of Scientology. And instructional methods developed by L. Ron Hubbard are being used. But! Scientology will not be taught at the school. [LA Times]
• File under: Stuff You Don't Want To Know About: The Rob Lowe nanny may have "offered sex" to the family tennis instructor and "openly" sang the lyrics "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me." [People]
• Mary-Kate Olsen on kissing Ben Kingsley inside of a phone booth for The Wackness: "He was so professional about it and made me feel so comfortable. He said, 'Anything you don't feel comfortable about, let me know. You lead me.'" [Wall Street Journal]
• Also: Ben Kingsley had to be taught how to do a bong hit for the movie. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "Which NFL star pulled a girl toward the bathroom of a West Chelsea club the other night with the line: "Baby, you have no idea what I'm about to show you?" She fled toward the end zone." [Rush & Molloy]
• Mya has the Rihanna haircut now. [The.Life Files]
• Write a thank-you not and send it to a federal judge: There's a temporary restraining order preventing sites from posting anymore little clips of the Verne Troyer sex tape. [E!]
• Why is Courtney Love riding in a shopping cart? [TMZ]
• Jemima Khan hit a motorcyclist with her Mini. [Daily Mail]
• Weddings! Chris Kattan married a model named Sunshine Tutt. [People]
• Famed golfer Greg Norman married tennis legend Chris Evert over the weekend. [Reuters]
• American Idol winner Ruben Studdard married Surata Zuri McCants at a church in a suburb of Birmingham, Alabama, but there was no singing at the ceremony. [USA Today]

• Is nothing sacred? Are there any bastions of hope left in this world? Brace yourselves, people: Word on the net is that Jennifer Garner is considering breaking up with husband Ben Affleck. Ted Casablanca says Ben's mom has never particularly liked Jen, who broke Michael Vartan's heart to hook up with Ben in the first place. Sniff. [E!, via ONTD]
• Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's film debut! She's in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. Look closely at the 1:21 minute mark in this trailer; Brad holds Shiloh as she watches a balloon float away. The girl's a star! [Socialite Life]
• Britney can have her kids for overnight visits! Progress! [TMZ]
• So remember how a pack of surfers attacked a gang of paparazzi at the beach where Matthew McConaughey was surfing? Apparently there may be another rumble scheduled! Comments on the x17 website between surfers and photogs indicate that "it's on" for Saturday. Bring your leather jacket and switchblade comb. [Rush & Molloy]
• The new issue of In Style has Anne Hathaway gushing about Raffaello Follieri — you know, her ex who was busted for fraud and money laundering yesterday. [Page Six]

• Lindsay Lohan has been showing up early for call time on her new flick, Labor Pains. Plus! She knows all of her lines and her co-workers "actually like her," says a source. The bigger question is: Will this movie be better or worse than Just My Luck? [Page Six]
• Is Madonna being sabotaged? Apparently her old record label, Warner, is planting negative stories about Live Nation or something. [Fox 411]
• And! Is Madonna getting divorced, like for realz? Apparently she's hiring the same divorce lawyer who "masterminded" Paul McCartney's court battle with Heather Mills. Uh-oh, is Guy Ritchie in trouble? [Mirror]
• Pamela Anderson will be in the Big Brother house… In Australia. She's just popping in to teach the housemates the "tricks of her trade." No idea what that means. [News.com.au]
• This kerfluffle about the picture of Tom Cruise looking so much like his Valkyrie character, the real life German officer who plotted to assassinate Hitler — which turns out to be a Photoshop scandal — is so boring I can't say anymore about it. [AP]
• Jill Scott is engaged! Congrats! [Perez Hilton]
• Is Kylie Minogue back with Olivier Martinez? Did she say "I just can't get you out of my head" ? [The Sun]
• Salman Rushdie has been knighted by the Queen. Act accordingly. [The Star]
• Billy Zane spent a night trying to pick up women in an L.A. club while his girlfriend Kelly Brook was working 3,000 miles away in Virginia, boo. [Daily Mail]
• Charlotte Church says she wants enough kids to have a "rugby team." [The Sun]
• Remember Amy Jo Johnson? She was Julie on Felicity. She's expecting her first child in the fall, with fiancé Olivier Giner. [People]
• Kanye West and Alicia Keys were winners at the BET awards. [E!]
• Charlize Theron likes to go camping. "I'm a tough girl and I can not shower for a week - I'm fine with that." [The Sun]
• Did MSNBC's Keith Olbermann pitch a fit over not getting a first-class train ticket to Tim Russert's funeral? Because that is tacky. [Page Six]
• Michael Jordan broke some kid's heart, aww. [Page Six]
• John Mayer had the decency to warn ex gf Minka Kelly that the news about him dating Jennifer Aniston was about to hit the press. He said, "Sorry, but I'm really in love." Hmmm. [Page Six]
• Tony Danza wants to play Nixon's chief of staff in a movie? Don't make me say it. Okay. Who's the boss? [Page Six]
• A nun spotted Steven Tyler in a Starbucks and got super super psyched. A nun. [Page Six]
• As previously reported, Heather Locklear is in a facility for depression and anxiety. Be well! (Remember in March, when her doctor called 911 and claimed she was suicidal?) [Page Six]
• Janet Jackson's CD hasn't been selling well, but tickets to her concerts have! Plus: She might do (sigh) a reality show. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "What two hunky actors are refraining from any public displays of affection now that spies on their set are suggesting they're more than friends?" [Rush & Molloy]

• Britney Spears is in Louisiana! Her 17-year-old sister Jamie Lynn should be delivering a baby super soon. [People]
• Jamie Lynn's induced labor could be happening RIGHT NOW! (Possible baby name: Cailynn, a composite of Casey and Lynn.) [ONTD]
• It could be a C-section, you guys. [DListed]
• Kevin Federline has a new gal and she might have an arrest record. [TMZ]
• Cynthia Nixon had breast augmentation? And Kristin Davis had varicose veins removed? Really? [Page Six]
• In an old voicemail Charlie Sheen left for Denise Richards, Charlie dropeed the N-word and a bunch of F-bombs. Sez Charles: "I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended, especially to Tony Todd, an African American, who was my best man at my first two weddings." Uh, yeah, that makes it all better. [E!]

• Mary Tyler Moore! Back on TV! Lipstick Jungle! "I'm fortunate to have had a front row seat to the evolution of working women on television," said Moore. "It's been great fun to watch the strong female characters of Lipstick Jungle go at it week after week. I absolutely adore Brooke and I'm delighted to be a part of a show which is so well written." [NBC/Universal]
• OMG. Ali Lohan is up for the lead in a remake of the movie Troll? [E!]
• Anne Hathaway and ex Raffaello Follieri: The break up is "very amicable." [Page Six]
• The dude who judges America's Got Talent (and is not David Hasselhofff), Piers Morgan, was apparently the "cupid" who introduced Paul McCartney to Heather Mills. Whoops! "I was fooled into thinking that she was a good person," Piers says. [Page Six]
• Music mogul Tommy Mottola had the audacity to throw a CD launch party and not offer free food to the press attending. [Page Six]
• Cops call James Gandolfini "Jesus Christ." [Page Six]
• Ann Rice was a virgin until she got married? [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake's best friend and business partner, Trace Ayala, is engaged to Reba star JoAnna Garcia. Congrats! [People]
• Ashlee Simpson was at the opening of Pete Wentz's new bar and showed off her "baby curves." [People]
• So you know how, back when she was a stylist, Kim Kardashian worked for Brandy? And Brandy's mom says KK still owes her more than $120,000 in unauthorized charges on her credit card? And she filed a lawsuit? There's a trial date! February 17, 2009. [E!]
• Jennifer Hudson wishes Barack Obama would call her. [E!]
• Ooh, Rue McClanahan talking about her "sordid" life. Golden Girls Gone Wild! [ONTD]
• J.J. Abrams, creator of Alias and Lost, is working on a film based on a New York Times article called Mystery Of Fifth Avenue. [ET]
• The Emmy nominations are being announced by Neil Patrick Harris and Kristin Chenowith this morning! [ET]
• Does Calum Best want Lindsay Lohan back? A source says he's been secretly texting LL. And! When they were together, "Lindsay couldn't get enough of his bedroom antics." Ha, well, things may have changed. Coughlezebelcoughcough. [Mirror]
• Since Amy Winehouse is in the hospital, will she miss Nelson Mandela's birthday show? [Mirror]
• Baby mama drama for 50 Cent: Shaniqua Tompkins, the mother of his 11-year-old son, says Fiddy is responsible for the fire that destroyed her Long Island mansion last month. 50 says that's not true and that Ms. Tompkins has made it "practically impossible" for him to speak to his son since the fire. (Girl… It's easy to love me now. Would you love me if I was down and out?) [Rush & Molloy]

Us
This cover, showing a beaming Michelle and Barack Obama emblazoned with the words "Why Barack Loves Her," is perhaps part of the subtle image makeover we referred to earlier. Us seems very concerned with portraying the clearly awesome Michelle as a non-threatening soccer mom, and more importantly, differentiating her from Hillary. Says a friend: "[Michelle] is not the least bit interested in being a co-president or participating in policy decisions…Her first priority as a first lady would be that the girls are OK, and to continue to be the outstanding mother that she is." We always go straight to Us for astute political coverage. In other news, Hollywood wags think Katherine Heigl's career will be fine despite her ankling the Emmys. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together for the umpteenth time. They're like Bobby and Whitney but with exponentially more body modification. Finally, here's some news for all the hipsters out there: supermodel Helena Christensen has been "cozying up" to Interpol lead singer Paul Banks for over six months!
Grade: C (a timeshare in Cleveland)

In Touch
Rut roh! Angelina and Brad's CRISIS AT HOME in huge pink letters! They have a lot of babies, it's exhausting, it's possibly pulling them apart, and so on, and so forth. The only good part of this four page spread is the sidebar where Dr. Drew gives Angelina the business about her whole Mother Theresa routine. "I've never seen anyone remit heroin completely," Dr. Drew said. "Is she in recovery? If she's in recovery, I don't seen any evidence of it, because people in recovery invest themselves in simple, selfless acts of service, not global self-serving acts." Burn!!! On to matters of life and death: Did Mariah Carey have plastic surgery? Survey says: Probs. Her yo-yo dieting is well known and after her most recent weight loss, she has mysterious, Tara Reid-reminiscent ripples on her tummy. The liposuction of Mimi! Bret Michaels bonded with Sherri Shepherd when he went on The View because they both have diabeetus, but he wants to do it with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. "Barbara Walters was pretty hot," Bret admitted, "but Elisabeth Hasslebeck and me, I'm just telling her, if her husband ever falls out of the picture…" Scariest tabloid news of the week: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent $10,000 on guns because Spencer wants to be "prepared for anything." Can't wait for the Branch Davidianish FBI raid on the Speidi compound…
Grade: C+ (an unheated shack on the coast of Maine)

Star
More Brangelina business. Angie has panic attacks due to the stress of her pregnancy and Shiloh's terrible twos. Apparently she's worried about how she's going to handle "two more needy little ones in an already chaotic household." Uh, probably with the army of nannies she already employs. Miley Cyrus reportedly gets thousands of love letters from prisoners, "who claim they've taped her picture up in their cells." Creepy to the max!! Was Matthew McConaughey macking on strange ladies during a recent trip to Nicaragua while his super-pregs girlfriend Camilla Alves languished at home? If the photos are any indication (see Fig. A below), the answer is yes. An amused onlooker tells Star, "He grabbed the DJ's microphone, crawled onto a table and screamed 'I lost my flip-flops!' in broken Spanish!" Britney and Jamie Lynn are none too pleased about mom Lynne's forthcoming memoir, Through The Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, which includes such revelations as Britney bit her nails as a kid. Shocking! And lastly, Jen wants boyfriend of thirty seconds John Mayer to marry her, but he's not down. Hmm, sounds dubious.
Grade: D+ (a metal trailer in Death Valley)

Ok!
Jeebus. Even more Angelina news. This time she's not stressed. In fact, she's so into all her babies, Ok! says, she's looking to adopt another boy. She'll get the lucky young tyke from the same Ethiopian orphanage where she found we