I'm glad Samaire Armstrong looks so happy; if I were weighted to the ground by a pair of two-ton lead diver's shoes, I'd be less sanguine.


Katie Cassidy's animal print may skew a little 80's-Barbie, but sometimes maybe that's what you want?


See, why did Kristin Cavallari's little tunic - otherwise quite unexceptionable - have to slit so far up the leg? It turns it into a "shirt" and thus, gross.


I like that Diablo Cody seems to shop her closet/wear regular clothes half the time.


Jenna Dewan's ferocious expression suggests an elaborate revenge fantasy involving these boots.


See, this is how we do it: if you're gonna go hog-wild with the shoes, go simple with the rest, like Eliza Dushku.


Let's be generous and assume the airline lost Shannon Elizabeth's luggage and she was forced to construct an outfit from these random bits and pieces. Otherwise, it's inexplicable.


Shenae Grimes: it's true, Sassy was awesome and the early 90s had some rad music. But, honey, it's over. It's gone.


And report that to Anna Paquin. Although I don't know if her dress and I liked the same music.


If I were Stephanie Jacobsen's parent, there's no way I'd let her leave the house wearing that face.


Wow, has Bridget Marquardt gone demure since leaving the Mansion? (It's all relative)


Aubrey O'Day's shoes match her lipstick. And both match Miami retiree.

[Images via Bauer-Griffin]

• Gerard Butler says he's more concerned with how a woman looks than what she thinks: "Sometimes along the way in my life I don't want a smart woman; right now I want a dumb woman." [ShowbizSpy]

• Ashlee Simpson says she didn't have any trouble losing the baby weight after the birth of her son, Bronx Mowgli: "After I had Bronx I lucked out," Simpson says, "I mean, I'm 24-years-old, [I have] the genes from my mother and I did work out for three months." [People]
• Kelly Osbourne says she's considering a breast reduction: "It's no secret that I hate my boobs," she says, "I want a size in between a B and C cup that you don't need to wear a bra with. Perfect boobs is what I want and when I am a little older it's what I plan to do." [DailyMail]
• Blind Item: "Which star is in the doghouse after her diva behaviour at a family do? The babe ordered her in-laws to fit a humidifier and insisted on a cloak and dagger arrival via the staff entrance." [BlindGossip]
• Andrea Bocelli will be ringing in the holiday season by performing a duet with The Muppets. [DailyExpress]
• Robin Williams says he's ready to head back into the stand-up comedy scene after having his heart valve replaced earlier this year: "This little break has given me more energy than ever. Plus, it's wonderful to have a cow valve. If you don't mind the grazing, it's quite invigorating." [DailyExpress]
• Meryl Streep says she has no talent for cooking: "I'm in direct line with my mother on this one. She had a needlepoint pillow that read, I'm making my favourite thing for dinner - reservations," Streep says, "I also take a special pleasure in thrift, a talent I get from my father. About this talent my mother said, ‘Harry's hobby is not spending money'."[ShowbizSpy]
• Joe Jonas is totally heartbroken after Camilla Belle dumped him, and reportedly "is still really upset and keeps calling her and leaving messages. He even got [brother] Kevin [Jonas] to call her." Oh, dear. [PageSix]
• Will Paula Abdul end up on Dancing With The Stars?.ABC's Steve McPherson hopes so: "I would love to (have her). I was a little stunned by the ("Idol") decision. We would love to have her on 'Dancing' either as a participant or a contestant."[Reuters]
• PETA has reportedly complimented Lady Gaga on her bizarre Kermit-the-Frog inspired coat. As Gaga reports on her website: "The Kermit the Frog outfit is by an incredible designer by the name of Jean[-Charles] de Castelbajac, and he does a lot of museum art fashion pieces. … I really loved this one in particular because I thought it was commentary on not wearing fur, 'cause I hate fur and I don't wear fur. We were all laughing in the house about how it looks like a pile of dead Kermits." [ONTD]
• Ugh, sadness: Marty York, who played Yeah Yeah in the Sandlot films, was arrested for allegedly beating up his girlfriend (who "stands by him 100%") on Easter Sunday and is now asking people for donations via MySpace. [TMZ
• Is Megan Fox going to replace Victoria Beckham as the face of Emporio Armani? "Megan is perfect for Armani," says a source, "She's one of the hottest woman in the world and will have huge appeal." [ShowbizSpy]
• "I personally don't think it necessarily had to do with the reality show. I think he was unhappy with his marriage and the situation to begin with…I think [reality TV] definitely is a stress factor in a relationship, but I don't think it breaks it up. I think there have to be underlying problems." Former Hefner girlfriend, Bridget Marquardt on the demise of Jon and Kate Gosselin's relationship. Congrats, America! This is what we talk about when we talk about love: crappy, horrible reality shows. [E!]

• Catholics in Poland are urging the government there to cancel Madonna's August 15 concert, saying…

The pop star "cannot sing on the religious feast of the Blessed Virgin Mary." But everybody knows she cannot sing on the other 364 days of the year either. [UPI]

• Danny DeVito: drunk in the morning again. He was being interviewed live at 8 AM on Tuesday for a local news show while on the set of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Drunk while filming a comedy show? He's ruining feminism. [Perez Hilton]
• Michael Jackson may have messed up the Jackson family reunion concert that was in the works by allegedly breaching the contract his manager signed with an entertainment company who is suing Jackson for $40 million. So far, the rest of the family are keeping their noses out of the mess. [TMZ, USA Today]
• But Jacko can still moonwalk…or so he says…through a hospital mask. [TMZ]
• Ed McMahon has seemingly lost his battle to save his home from foreclosure. His house will be auctioned off by the bank in late June. [Radar]
• Kendra Wilkinson is pregnant and her former-Girls Next Door co-star Bridget Marquardt is throwing the baby shower. Judging from the housewarming present she gave Kendra, we can't wait to see what the layette set will have printed on it. [Us]
• Chris Brown's lawyer went to the California appeals court today to ask that his trial—for the alleged assault of Rihanna—be delayed. The judge denied the request, and the trial is still set for June 22. [TMZ]
• Life-size cardboard cutouts of Brad Pitt dressed as police officer have been placed by the most dangerous intersections in the city of Omsk, as a way to handle Siberia's speeding problem. According to Omsk officials, it's working. [Mirror]
• Myleene Klass, one of the hosts of I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! had to be rescued by Costa Rican hotel staff after she accidentally glued herself to the bed. [ONTD]
• Phil Spector's infamous large court hair was a wig!? He's bald in this mugshot, taken last week. [TSG]
• Shia LaBeouf gets his sense of humor where most people get their nightmares: From seeing his parents have sex. [Just Jared]
• Even more nightmare material: When Shia was 2 his dad would dress him up as a clown and make him walk around the neighborhood. How is this guy not a serial killer? [Parade]
• Shanna Moakler wants her job back as pageant director for Miss California USA now that proponent of opposite marriage Carrie Prejean got the boot. [TMZ]
• Hank Azaria and his girlfriend had a baby boy over the weekend. [People]
• "Obsessed" will be the first single released (on June 16) from Mariah Carey's new album—awesomely titled—Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel. [Rolling Stone]
• Mel Gibson and his soon-to-be-ex-wife Robyn have filed a joint request in court to keep the financial details of their divorce private. [TMZ]
• Michael Lohan is off the hook for that misdemeanor charge of aggravated harassment. [Yahoo]
• Sonja Norwood (aka the mother of Brandy and Ray J) filed a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian for allegedly using the Norwood family's credit card without permission when Kim was hired as Brandy's stylist. The lawsuit was dismissed. [People]
• Beyoncé in post-apocalyptic armor singing "If I Were a Boy" duet-style with George Michael goes from Beyond Thunderdome to beyond gay. It's hard to wrap one's head around this gender fuck, no matter how much weave is available. [WoW]
• Breaking: Nancy Pelosi and Owen Wilson had dinner at the D.C. restaurant Cafe Milano…at different tables. They didn't talk to each other or anything. [Politico]
• Bai Ling will play a hooker in Love Ranch—a film about the first legal brothel in Nevada, starring Helen Mirren—despite the fact the that she had her back to the camera during her screen test because she was in a "bad mood." [Daily Express]
• Keira Knightley and Colin Farrell have signed on to star in London Boulevard, the directorial debut of Oscar-winning screenwriter William Monahan. [THR]
• A Broadway revival of Babes in Arms is in the works, with Rosie O'Donnell as the star. [UPI]
• Sherri Shepherd is all pissed off that she can't eat the skin on a chicken leg, per her nutritionist's orders. She's trying to get a "bathing suit body" to reveal on The View by August 6. She's lost four pounds so far. [People]
• Hugh Grant tried to kick a paparazzo in the balls. The photog sold the footage, of course. [TMZ]
• Matthew McConaughey swears his bachelor days are over now that he has a child with his girlfriend. He referred to his family as a "tribe," so we're thinking that his naked-bongo days are still going strong. [Daily Express]
• Monica Seles is dating a cranky old billionaire—30 years her senior—who doesn't like paying taxes. [Wonkette]
• The record-breaking ratings of the premiere of Edie Falco's Nurse Jackie Monday night were so impressive that Showtime has already ordered a second season. [Women and Hollywood]
• Blind Item: "Which top-selling artist purportedly had his new single cut from some radio stations playlists in retaliation for supporting royalties for musicians?" (The article goes on to say that it's probably Bono.) [USA Today]
• Bono and The Edge wrote the music and lyrics for the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark, and Bono likens himself to a superhero, natch. [Rolling Stone]
• "Mommy breastfed all three of you. You guys took all my milk, so now mommy's just getting the milk put back inside." Real Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa Giudice's explanation to her daughters about her new buh-bees. Don't go putting silicone in your coffee, girls! [People]
• "I went through this stage where I would just go out, not be responsible, not focus on work or class, and my management was like, 'Listen, you could go either way. You could be this person - I won't name names - a reality show actress. Or you could go this way - award-winning actress.' That was a real shock." - Twilight's Ashley Greene doesn't want to be like Paris Hilton. [Nylon]
• "So many means of expression are being explored in TV through women who are fully mature, in the prime of their lives, feeling experienced and able to express who they are. We're not 21. It's really exciting, in that these opportunities are kind of unprecedented. Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Mary McCormick, Mary Louise Parker, a show like United States of Tara—women are exploring all kinds of new aspects of themselves." - Holly Hunter [HuffPo]
• "I like when she demonstrates how to transport a potted plant while wearing Hermes pants and uses enough packing material to move a whole house. But we're just moving one plant. Really you just put the plant in a truck and go." - Alexis Stewart on her mom Martha. [AP]
• "I probably won't watch [The Hills]. I'm not a huge TV person." - author Lauren Conrad. [E!]

1.) Paris Hilton's My New BFF
Love. On the premiere episode this week, Paris eliminated a girl because Wayne Newton's tiger didn't like her. I miss her already. She was fun to watch.

Gif via FourFour

And she did good drawings.

2.) Paris was on The View, and Babs wasn't buying her whole "it's Pilates" act.

3.) Babs seems to to think that Paris Hilton and Paris Is Burning are one and the same. To be fair, it's an unsurpising mistake for some to make.

4.) Digging for gold, picking a winner.
A two-year old little boy purported to be an expert pool player was invited on The Yenta Hour of Today, where he picked his nose and ate his boogers.

5.) Why did she deliver her baby alone? Why is her baby not related to her? How did her baby die? Why is her baby alive? Why didn't she question anything!?

6.) "Betty White is a raging bitch."

7.) The magic behind Bridget's Sexiest Beaches is that watching Bridget Marquardt is like watching the joy of a toddler discovering the world, like how doorknobs work, or how food on a spoon is sometimes like an airplane flying into your mouth.

8.) That, and the cultural learning experience that comes with shopping abroad.

9.) Heidi Pratt is very much into Christianity. She strives to be like Mother Teresa, and thinks that material possessions are not important.

Unless, of course, it's dry shampoo.

10.) "I don't play well with others."

When her tour guide told her that "Rasta" is all about positivity, and not dreadlocks, Bridget, who was bedecked in red, yellow, and green, said that she's definitely a Rasta then. The tour guide reminded her that this means that she can't eat pork. For some reason, she laughed it off, as though he was puling her leg. When she figured out he was serious, you can see her mentally dismissing Rastafari as something she could jump on board with.