However, I was still distracted by the open bar. I guess some things never change.

Like the garbage cans at the event. They were elegantly draped in linen just like last year.

2009:

2008:

I went with my mom, fiancé (hate that word still), fiancé's mom, my BFF since high school who's one of my bridesmaids and who just got engaged a few weeks ago, and my BFF's mom.

Once my mom and dad got involved in the planning for this wedding, it got so far away from the small, intimate evening I'd envisioned, and is quickly turning into the kind of giant circus wedding—with relatives I haven't seen since I've menstruated for the first time popping up on the guest list—that I really had no interest in. But they're paying for the party, so it's kind of more their thing, than mine, at this point. I haven't put much thought into any of the planning, beyond having booked the venue and the photographer (who's a friend of my fiancé's). I haven't even tried on a single dress.

Speaking of dresses, there were a ton of them on body forms at the wedding showcase. And they were all strapless. I hate that 98% of wedding dresses are strapless and the other 2% are sleeveless.

Anyway, just like last year, I was mostly interested in drinking free wine and eating free hors d'oeuvres and cakes. However, this year, I took the time to fill out all the different raffle cards to win free shit like flowers, makeup, and discounts from various vendors. (My mom kept every pen from each booth she filled a raffle card at, saying, "It's all freebies here," despite the fact that they were Bic pens without caps or a promo printing.)

The thing is though, since the venue I'm using includes catering and the cake, and requires that I use one of their florists, and since I'll probably end up designing invitations, the only vendor to shop for was maybe some form of entertainment, like a band or a DJ.

The one thing that I knew I wanted was to find a string quartet who could play Mariah Carey songs (or at the very least, "Fantasy") leading up to the ceremony and during the cocktail hour. I did find an awesome company at the showcase called Orchestrations, that can turn any song into a string arrangement and provide you with musicians to play it. However, when I asked the woman at the booth about prices, she wouldn't give me any quotes, but assured me that they could work with "any budget." I know how that goes, though: Unaffordable!

After working half the room, I was hot, exhausted, annoyed, and ache-y from lugging around my goodie bag which weighed a whopping 12.5 lbs. (I put it on my scale.)

It was so crowded, and I was sick of being pushed and shoved by frenzied women with flat-ironed hair, wearing their huge purses in the crooks of their elbows. I felt like I was at the mall on the weekend before Christmas. I wanted to get out of there.

I still maintained a sense of humor—or perhaps delirium—because I found this hilarious:

Heh. Seamen.

I don't plan on wearing a veil, but I tried one on for shits and giggles, and before I knew it, the five people I was with each whipped out their own camera to take my picture.

When I put it back on the rack I saw that it was $1000, and it was one of the cheaper ones of the bunch.

We were there for about two and half hours, and I knew it was time to leave. When I got home, I rifled through my goodie bag.

It included:

• 2 copies of New York magazine
• 2 hardcover books (A Great American Cook by Jonathan Waxman and the novel A Bad Bride's Tale by Polly Williams)
• Chestnut cake mix
• A bottle of water
• Redken straightening spray
• Kenneth shampoo and conditioner
• A crystal keychain
• Measuring tape and a $50 gift card to M&J trimming
• Lavilin deodorant cream
• Korres watermelon-scented, 30 SPF face sunscreen
• Peanut butter crunch Full Bar
• Victoria's Secret makeup bag with perfume and lip gloss
• 2 chocolate bars
• 2 bottles of Milani nail polish, French manicure colors
• Milani eyeshadow and brown lip gloss (which would not be approved by Ashely from Rock of Love Bus)
• 3 different containers of mints
• A brownie and some kind of white chocolate candy
• Sewing kit
• YSL mascara
• Gift certificate for a facial peel
• 20% off of cosmetic surgery, Lasik, Smartlipo, Botox, laser hair removal, Juvederm, Restylane, or a prescription for longer, darker, fuller lashes
• About three million coupons and flyers

• 
  
  It also had a Fashion Forms Bridal Kit that has dress and lingerie tapes, one size extreme silicone adhesive body bra, silicone gel petals, one size thong, and a garter.

  I was interested to see what a "one size thong" looked like. It's officially the first thong I've ever owned.
  
  
  
  
  

  The "extreme adhesive body bra" looked two fallopian tubes away from a uterus.
  
  
  
  
  

  Which was perfect, since the silicone gel petals look like a form of contraception.
  
  
  
  
  

  They feel really nice, though. I've been squishing them all day, like they're stress balls. I anticipate getting much use out of them, that way, over the next few months.

  Last year, I said that the wedding showcase didn't really sway me either way, on whether or not I wanted to have a wedding of my own, and compared it to anal sex: I always said I'd never take it in the rear; now, sometimes I do. I figured that planning an open bar party to celebrate spending the rest of my life with one person couldn't hurt more than getting fucked in the ass.

  And it doesn't. But there's a lot more shit involved.

  Earlier: Single Slut Crashes New York Weddings Showcase

This dress seems all kinds of cruel. What's with the random pintucks in the skirt? And why must the bow look so cheap?
I'm typically pro the cocktail-length wedding dress. But not if it comes with a bolero like this.
I swear there is no difference between this dress and ones you'll find in fancy wedding stores. It's not my taste, but it's a look a lotta ladies seem to love.
This dress fuckin' rocks. To the max!
Slightly "maternity" and you would need a really good bra, but has potential.
No: Putting a friend in this as a bridesmaid dress is a Crime Against Womanity.

Torrid Announces Plus-Size Bridal Collection [The Budget Fashionista]
Torrid Bride [Torrid]

• Stella McCartney calls dibs on bride-to-be Scarlett Johansson: "I'm definitely doing her wedding dress. She doesn't know it yet." Awkward. [People]
  
• Says Marc Jacobs on the bride-to-be, "I'm really happy for her. She's a great girl. I just think Scarlett is great and I hope she is very, very happy. She's super funny. I love a smart, ballsy, New Yorker and that's what she is. I wish her the best." And by "the best" he clearly means, "Do why didn't that bitch ask me to design her wedding dress?" [Vogue UK]
  
• Chris "Mr. Big" Noth has some strong feelings about Victoria's Secret, "I'm not into Victoria's Secret so much. I find it over the top. I like subtlety and I like elegance. I think their things are gaudy and they are really trying too hard. If I could make a fashion statement, I think that Victoria's Secret looks to me like somebody who is putting on too much make-up. It's too gaudy, man. I mean, come on take it easy, you don't have to have a fuckin' bouquet of flowers on your underwear. Sorry Victoria's Secret; I hope they're not one of our sponsors!" [Oh No They Didn't]
  
• "You can get diamonds cheap," says Heidi Klum, which is why she's going to start sewing them into the pockets of her Jordache jeans line. Clearly, she has not seen Blood Diamond. [WWD, 9th item]

• Good for you, Adidas, for winning your lawsuit against Payless shoes for their blasphemous thievery of what is clearly a design that only you own: Stripes. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Seriously, Suri Cruise does not need custom-made Roger Vivier shoes. I, however, do. [WWD, 1st item]
• So what did More editor-in-chief Lesley Jane Seymour do Monday night in lieu of attending the Met Costume Institute Gala? (She wasn't invited.) "I dressed up in my best Versace and barbecued on the my outside deck in the suburbs! Only kidding about the Versace! I wore Prada." [Fashion Week Daily]
• Oh also, Christina Ricci left the Costume Institute Gala in a huff after realizing upon entering that she and her boyfriend had not been seated together. [Page Six]
• If only I had been trapped in an elevator with Giorgio Armani yesterday. [Wowowow]
• So Gwyneth Paltrow is all, "I don't get why there's this big fuss about my S&M footwear fetish." [USA Today]
• Video footage of Gemma Ward trying to slay Liv Tyler: Here. [Fashionista]
• Video footage of Karlie Kloss doing ballet: Here. [NY Mag]
• Model and sometimes di Caprio girlfriend Bar Rafaeli sorta needs to pony up and serve in the Israeli Army already. [UPI]
• Oh of course Jimmy Choo is trying to usurp as much press and glory as they can from the opening of the Sex and the City movie. [Vogue UK]
• Ksube + Kanye = Pretty cool. [Sassybella]
• Diet Coke + Patricia Field = Pretty random. [Sassybella]
• OMG why did The Sartorialist get fired from the new Gap ads as a model already?! Why?! Why?! [Fashionista]
• Beth Ditto will be entertaining guests at the opening of the Alexander McQueen store in L.A. next week. [Fashion Week Daily]
• In the midst of economic downturn Barneys New York and Target seem to be entering into one of those "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" sorta things. [WWD, sub req'd]
• And young design bad-ass Danielle Scutt is designing for Topshop. Seeing a theme here? [WWD, 8th item]
• The Turks? Love them some Dior. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Just what you needed: How to dress like celebrities, made easy. And a little stalker-ish. [TechCrunch]

One bride who spoke with the WSJ says that her only regret on her wedding day was that she wishes she "had done more polls." Some, however, continue to resist this philosophy. Etiquette writer Anna Post says, "It's a little bit of an imposition if you are sending [guests] every question that comes in your head." Fellow ettiquetrix Letitia Baldrige adds, "To have to ask your friends, many of whom have terrible taste anyway, is ludicrous."

On one hand, as a bride, what makes your friends' taste any worse than a wedding planner you hardly know? (And really: Why the fuck are they your friends if they have shitty taste?) On the other hand, it is a day to celebrate with those nearest and dearest to you; if you find out that 92% of them prefer chocolate icing, isn't that the least you can do? And to FOTBs (friends of the bride): She's gonna ask for your opinion on all this crap anyway. Wouldn't clicking a button in an online poll be easier than having to have the "the flowers you've chosen are hideous" discussion?

iDo [WSJ]

L to R: If I got married, I would want to do so in shoes like those; Can we discuss the big hat trend for bridal this season?; Fuck getting married: I want that teal duster and turban stat.
L to R: That dress weighs more than I do; I'll pass on the gown but take the pink tights; Doesn't this look like the dress that Kit and Ricky made for the couture challenge on this season's Project Runway? You know - the one Kit got sent home for?
L to R: Puppy!; Where's the wedding, the Moulin Rouge?; I wish the handprint were on the dress itself.
L to R: Pom-poms were my crafting means de rigeur when I was 5, which was also the age I was into Raggedy Ann; More wedding pants?!; I don't know that I think of this.
You can't see, but my heart is going pitter patter at the site of rainbow-colored, whimsy-drenched bridal.
I hope the woman who gets married in this dress also has "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" as her first dance. Seriously.

Final Verdict: If your marriage falls apart, at least you can reuse the dress and run away and join the circus!

All images via Getty.

Verdict: Row 4, dress 1. That one is beautiful. The rest...well, my mom always told me if I didn't have anything nice to say...

Angel Sanchez Verdict: Yawn.

Lara Helene



Verdict: Sorry, were you saying something?

All images via Getty

Lela Rose


Verdict: Sleepy, wrinkled. No thanks.

Oscar de la Renta










Verdict: Something for everyone (including those with bad taste). I'll stick with the simple stuff (for my non-existent wedding), thanks.

Carolina Herrera







Verdict: Ladylike and rebellious... Just like us?

[Images via Getty.]

Badgley Mischka

L to R: Um did they hem this dress a little short?; Look! The gown hurts her heart so badly she has to grab her sides!; Wedding dress? Or New Age straight-jacket?

L to R: How original; Bling, anyone?; Where's Rami Kashou when you need him?

L to R: If George Clooney marries that cocktail waitress, I bet she'll wear this; No more mermaid silhouettes, please; Just say no to tiers.

L to R: Just painful; No more shiny, please; For the pregnant bride, clearly.

L to R: That has to be the tackiest neckline ever; Stop! The originality is killing me! Sparkly and a mermaid silhouette!

Monique Lhuillier

L to R: Perfet for Romeo's Juliette — who was supposed to be what? 13 years old?; Ruffle booty!; Someone free her boobies, please.

L to R: And Prada thinks they own the whole lace thing this season; Lo. Li. Ta: Light of my life, fire of my loins; Has this girl even hit puberty?

L to R: Why is there something a little good touch/bad touch about this?; Tyra calls this the "couture pose"; The bride is the age of a flower girl.

[Images via Getty.]