Then too, it's a reality that any such supposed sex appeal is at the expense of style. Clothes are not designed for breasts, especially for the past few seasons. And anyone with an above-average chest can attest to the ability of a bosom to turn even the most demure and elegant of ensembles into an unintentionally sexy exercise in blowsiness. Bras are a pain in the neck — literally — and less pretty in more generous sizes. Plus we live with the knowledge of the breasts' ultimate descent.

Don't get me wrong, I like my figure and am a confident sort of naked person. In the right threads, there's no denying that breasts denote a certain bombshell appeal. But sometimes it seems like there's a fiction that because of those inexplicable creatures who crave implants, there's a general conspiracy against small breasts, when to many of us they just equate to chicness and ease.

Flat and Happy [New York Post]

First things first:

"1. Wedding rings need to be sparkly to remind us not to have sex with other people."

I'm not married, but my boyfriend keeps me in line with eye jewelry. I can't see other men, and when they see me, they run away retching. Seriously, plenty of women manage not to cheat despite having neither a ring nor a marriage. Also, way to spread the notion that what keeps women happy and committed is diamonds, as opposed to, like, a healthy relationship.

2. Completely shaving your genitals does not make them look bigger. It just makes you look gayer.

Ew, gay!

4. Murdering someone because he snores should be admissible in a court of law.

What should be the penalty for regurgitating annoying relationship clichés, Andrea?

And finally:

8. We don’t understand your fascination with boobs, but we’re happy you have it.

Really? Many women I know find boobs — and the female body in general — beautiful and fascinating. Items two and eight speak to a sexual rigidity and that's all over women's magazines too. This don't-kiss-my-chest-don't-shave-your-genitals rhetoric isn't just prudish, it's also really damaging, because it perpetuates the idea that all men are the same, all women are the same, and men and women are totally different from each other. And that if you want to know what a woman thinks you should read a magazine instead of, you know, asking her.

10 Things You Don't Know About Women: Andrea Savage [Esquire]

Related: Little Britain: Meeting The Parents [YouTube]

As a chick with a big rack I'm divided (heh) on this issue. On one hand, fuck a mothertrucker who can't concentrate and look you in the eye just because you're wearing a scoopneck shirt. Any modern woman knows that getting dressed for work is hard enough. Guys have interchangeable suits and ties; we have skirts, cardigans, blouses, shirts, tanks, camis, trousers, pantsuts, skirt suits and dress suits. And if your chest is large, finding a jacket or button down shirt that will contain the twins without pulling or buckling is pretty damn tough. So the more scooped out and open a garment is in the bosom area, the better. My old job was pretty casual and I'd rock some cleavage now and then. My attitude was "If I'm comfortable, then I'm getting work done, and that's all that matters." Just because my cups runneth over doesn't mean I have to cover 'em up like a nun. Also, I can't just put them away in a drawer and pull them out on Friday night. It doesn't work that way.

That said, I'm not a lawyer or an international bond trader. Salma Hayek might be able to wear low-cut stuff every day of the week, but, as Jonathan Fitzgarrald, director of marketing for a Los Angeles law firm tells the Journal, "If my attorney bills out at $1,000 an hour, I want them to look like a lawyer, not a celebrity." Because, yeah, on the other hand: Cleavage can look downright trashy. Sometimes it looks sloppy, like you're in need of some support, like your clothes are ill-fitting. And also, it reminds one of, oh, I dunno, Loni Anderson, Pam Anderson, Chrissie from Three's Company and other women not known for their smarts. Maybe the patriarchy did this to me. Maybe if bond traders, scientists, lawyers and doctors wore low-cut tops then cleavage would seem like no big deal. Maybe if Americans didn't only think of boobs as sexual objects but as just a regular part of a woman's anatomy actually intended for feeding infants, then cleavage would seem like no big deal. The truth is, I don't even really like cleavage all that much. As some comedienne once said, I don't need my bra to lift and separate; I need it to divide and conquer.

Risky Business: Décolletage At A Work Dinner [Wall Street Journal]

Earlier: New Bra Makes Women "Flawless" By Erasing Their Nipples
"Contour" Bras: Holding Us Up, Or Holding Us Back?
With Great Breast Size Comes Great Responsibility
German Titocracy
Do Bouncy Breasts Make Women Skip Workouts?

And not all of you breasty babes got implants because of "conditions" or "asymmetries." "I'm 5'11 190lbs and they are 38D from a 38AA. They are proportioned and look swell," said one enthusiast. "They feel great. I Love 'em. He loves 'em. That is all." But it's not all sunshine and lollipops for women with under the skin strap-ons!

I got mine courtesy of an abusive ex boyfriend who REALLY wanted me to have them. I was against them and had previously made fun of people with them, but at the time he had me feeling about one-inch tall and also had me under the impression that he was my only friend in the world. After 4 months of mentioning it to me daily, I agreed to go to a consult just to get him to shut up about it. The doctor (also Dolly Parton & Cher's doc), was really nice, but also convinced me that I had (previously un-noticed) assymetry by an entire cup size. Long story short, the ex wanted them so bad he agreed to pay for them if I would get them - I agreed because at the time I would have done anything to make him happy (what was WRONG with me!?), and now I have fake tits. They're not so bad. If I had a ton of money, I would remove them just because of the horrible person who's suggestion this was for me to have them. But overall, they're not bad. I was blown away (horrified) by the difference in positive attention I started getting from men from the second I got my new boobs.

Do My Breast Implants Have A Warranty? [New York Times]

Earlier: Heidi Montag Explains What It's Really Like Having Breast Implants

'I always try and push them, because it gives a better lift and you don't see the nipples peeking through,' said Heather, a young lingerie saleswomen in mod makeup, a black mini-dress and furry boots who was working at Saks Fifth Avenue's lingerie department the other day, holding a hanger with two silky but sturdy cups dangling from straps.

Her colleague, Carolina, concurred: 'A lot of women have problems with their'—and here her voice dropped to a whisper—'nipples showing.'

Not that I would know what that's like: I work at this job all day in a muumuu and no bra, and my previous job was in an all-female environment. So I guess I've been afforded the luxury of actually liking my nipples, or at least, not feeling the need to hid them.

Recently, I bought one of those "T-shirt" bras from The Gap for an event I had to go to. It was my only option, since it was all they had (and since I've completely given up on Victoria's Secret). Problem was, my tits kept falling out of it. And it's not like I bought the wrong size. My boobs just do not want to conform to that cup shape, and they particularly are adverse to being pushed together, as they seem to be sticking to this whole divide-and-conquer theme.

A bra I bought at Agent Provocateur however, was not only cute, it was devoid of annoying padding, with a layer of thin, comfortable fabric that actually let my nipples be, you know, nipples. But that shit cost me like a bajillion dollars. (Real price: $160). I guess what it comes down to is that nowadays, you have to pay an obscene amount of money to look "obscene."

Pad Girls! Attack of the 21st-Century Falsies [NY Observer]

Sadly, Hepola is so terrified to go bra shopping that she puts it off for years. And although her trips to NYC bra meccas Town Shop and Orchard Corset were successful in that she found bras that fit, they didn't exactly make her feel like a sex goddess — most of the bras looked like they could be used to "parachute out of a plane."

Hepola also wonders if her self-loathing is cultural as she "grew up in an all-white town full of skinny, flat-chested white girls with straight blond hair, girls who were praying (literally praying) for their periods in seventh grade while I was crying over my frizzy hair and hiding my sanitary napkins at sleepovers."

Though her bras might not be pretty, Hepola can take solace in the fact that new technology is being designed to make her boulder holders more supportive. Scientists have developed an "intelligent fabric," which, according to the Telegraph, uses sensors to test the movement of breasts during exercise. This study of breasts in motion will hopefully lead to improvements in bra construction, as big breasted women are currently "at risk of long-term injury because much of the support is given by the straps that bear down on their shoulders."

Maybe once the physical weight of her breasts is off her shoulders, the mental weight of Sarah's breasts will dissipate? For her sake, we hope so.

Busting Out [Salon]
Scientists Develop 'Intelligent Bra' With Sensors [Telegraph]
Earlier: British Women Have Enormous Breasts

67-year-old granny Barbara Haywood tells the Daily Mail, "In my day it was only old, stout ladies who had big bosoms - the sort who might lean over the garden fence and talk to the neighbours. But today it's young women, such as my granddaughter Miranda, who seem to wear the biggest bra sizes."

The Mail also wonders if the national increase in bra size can be explained through the popularity of implants (cough Jordan cough). 10,000 breast implant surgeries are performed each year in the UK.

Why ARE Women's Figures Getting So Much Fuller? [The Daily Mail]
Storm In A J-cup [The Mirror]

• This has nothing to do with it being in New Hampshire
• This has nothing to do with Crazy Eyes polling poorly among women voters.
• Crazy Eyes suddenly using only her married name has nothing to do with Hillary Rodham Clinton
• This also has nothing to do with Rudi [sic] polling poorly among women voters because he left his wife to marry Crazy Eyes after announcing their affair on TV.
• This has everything to do with breast cancer.
• Everyone there would rather talk to/ get their picture taken with Elizabeth.

Today, HuffPo blogger/self-help book author/owner of the far-from-poorly- displayed breasts seen here, Karen Salmansohn, appeared on the Today show (below) and blogged about cleavage in the workplace.

Cleavage at the office: Inappropriate?

Her initial point is that all us ladies "know" when we're showing off too much cleavage. To a degree, yes, she's right. I know what shirts are office-appropriate and which are decidedly not, based on a cursory examination in the mirror. However, it has also come to my attention that, as a rather short person, what my boobs look like from where my eyes sit and from where the eyes of a much taller man sit are two starkly different things. Having seen pictures from certain angles, I can guarantee that I had no idea when I left the house that there was not only some cleavage but actual curvature showing (which is probably the office-appropriate line in my profession). So, despite Karen's assertion, you really don't always know (and, you may never know unless someone tells you).

In addition, she says that covering them up as much as possible while still being feminine is the best option, which sounds good on the surface. However, it's a little harder in practice. Let's try, say, turtlenecks? Wearing a turtleneck doesn't do anything to minimize one's ability to notice my breasts, believe me, plus everyone then thinks I have a hickey. High-necked shirts tend to make me look prissy and/or frumpy and, if they hang straight down from my breasts (rather than angling in), I look heavier and/or pregnant. I'm short, so there's not a lot of space between my collar bone and my cleavage, making it difficult, at best, to buy something in the middle. I have tried every single minimizing strategy with little success (besides buying one of the horrific contraptions that bind them down and keep them from moving) and the end results were: everyone still knew I had big knockers, more people thought I was uncomfortable with them, some people overestimated my weight, and I hated every piece of clothing I owned because I felt like I was trying to hide my body, rather than clothe it. Plus, how many times have you heard a more masculinely-attired or covered-up woman get called a "dyke" or something similar? It's a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't scenario, and everybody knows that.

Even worse, Karen also cites "research" that those of us rather decidedly "blessed" with big ones automatically get taken less seriously by men. And, to this, my response is, um, assholes? The size of my breasts are not at all a determinant of my level of intelligence or my ability to do my job. The fat cells in my chest have no bearing whatsoever on my intellectual capabilities, I promise, though they may well affect my archery skills and ability to pitch in baseball games.

So, I guess I wonder: when we're running around castigating and judging other women (or men) for the appropriateness of their bodies (whether that be weight, or breast size, clothing choices or hairstyles) and scheduling TV segments and writing blog posts about how women ought to dress to fit preconceived notions about what one's sexuality (or race, or clothing choices) says about one's intelligence, can we maybe try having one person on who says that it's time to start talking about why we have these preconceived notions and how to stop? I mean, rather than just discussing what people can do to satisfy better those preconceived notions? Kthxbai.

(Begin viewing gallery by clicking on any image above)

Janae, NYC Hooters employee: Okay, well, there are some different questions here. Are you asking about the New York City Hooters or any other one? [Me: Uh, both?] Okay, well at any other Hooters, you need really big boobs. Really big. But in New York you don't need to. They don't care what you look like here. And you're pretty! I bet they would make you head Hooters girl, even though you have small boobs. Seriously, the only requirements to work here are be really peppy and, uh, be a girl.

Jasmine, NYC Hooters employee: You have to be really good at multi-tasking. You know, doing lots of different things at the same time? And you have to always be happy. When they're hiring, they're looking for girls who are good on their feet. There is no certain look. I know people say you have to look a certain way, but it's not true. Look around — all the girls here look different.

Jessica, Toledo, OH: Miss January: Oh you just have to be really personable! It's so much fun working at Hooters — really! Because at most jobs, if you're a waitress, you're just doing one thing. But here you're being a waitress and you're interacting with the table. The only trick is to just go out there and have fun, definitely. You're totally cute - I bet they would hire you right away. By the way, this is my first time in New York and tomorrow I want to go shopping; I'm looking for cheap bags. Where do you go for those? Somebody told me Chinatown?

Briane, Newnan, GA: Miss June: I've been working at Hooters for 4 years and this is my 3rd year in the calendar. The only trick is to go in and just start working hard — you just have to get used to how hard the work is, because you have to worry about so many things at once and entertain your tables. You have to have fun with customers and work. But like seriously, can I give you some advice? Don't let people make you feel bad about yourself because you work at Hooters. If you enjoy it, you enjoy. And when you start working here, there are people that are going to give you some pretty funny looks when they ask you what you do and you tell them. Don't let other people put you down. And I really do enjoy! And I have a full schedule to go back to next week — I have so many shifts next week because I am missing some this week to promote the calendar. But I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon; I'm working my way through college. Oh and can I give you one other piece of advice to tell girls? When you're getting dressed, either show leg or show cleavage. Not both. Don't show both if you want to look classy.

Becky, Nashville, TN: Miss October: Just come in and apply! That's really all you have to do if you want to work at Hooters. Apply and be confident. Oh, and put your makeup on. It's really not that hard.

Shawna, St. Petersberg, Fl: Miss April: You just need to get the application and then go and start trying out for the calendar right away! And keep trying to be in the calendar! Even if you don't make it at first, you eventually will.

Jennifer, Ft. Myers, Fl: Miss September: Expect to have lots of fun, lots of opportunities, and make lots of new friends! They're looking for the all-American cheerleader. You know, like the girl next door? You have to have that look to work here. You need to look like a cheerleader. And you totally do.

Although doctors had previously injected silicone directly into women's breasts (resulting in massive inflammatory reactions, ugh), Timmie Jean became the first woman ever to have silicone-filled bags implanted into her chest cavity. At first, her breasts "looked beautiful," Timmie Jean says. But ten years after the operation, Timmie Jean's breasts began to harden, she began to experience shooting pains and then "hurting everywhere." Still, her sister-in law and one of her daughters also opted for implants. And when a class-action lawsuit was filed against implant manufacturer Dow Corning, Timmie Jean testified that she had no complaints. (She admits she was paid "a minimal amount" by Dow.) Now, 45 years after her operation, Timmie Jean is afraid to have her implants removed, even though one of them has a small tear in the shell and she experiences pains in her chest that can last for weeks and feel like she's broken a rib.

'I'm a sissy now, she said. 'I'm afraid of what might happen if I go under.'

'I Had The World's First Breast Job - And Endured Years Of Misery,' Says Texan Great-Grandmother [Daily Mail]

This kind of globalization isn't complete without the requisite corporate brainwashing. "I like Hooters," said one waitress in an interview with ABC News. "It's very happy. It is enthusiastic and energetic. I love Hooters." You can almost hear the panic in her voice, imagining the kind of shame speaking out against orange short-shorts would bring upon her family.

Anyway, in Beijing, "Hooters" simply means "owl," but that doesn't mean the message gets lost. In fact, the point of the Alabama-based restaurant seems to be universal:

When one Hooters patron was asked whether he preferred the food or the waitstaff, he answered, "The girls better than the food."

Globalization Gone Wild: Hooters Opens in China [ABC News]

I mean, why is the growth of breasts named after a man? And what the heck happened to the stages of breast regression? My friends and I want to talk about all the stuff happening to our own bodies as we cruise toward menopause, but we don't have anything like the Tanner stages to use as code. I'm guessing guys have been more interested in describing breast expansion than regression.

Gurley Stage I: Cup Wrinkle
Also known, among those with more support, as air cups, this stage sneaks up on women in their late 30s and describes when the breast no longer fills out the cup (as though the bra was stretched out, or you've lost a bit of weight).

Gurley Stage II: Loss Recognition
When a woman consciously realizes that her breasts are shrinking; usually occurs during the early to late 40s, coinciding with the onset of random chin hair. [Random chin hair? I started getting those in my early 20s! -Ed.]

Gurley Stage III: The Folds
The stage in which the breasts shrink to the point where there is only a fold of skin lying on the chest. Sets in around the late 40s, early 50s, occurring in the two years prior to the loss of all periods, during the perimenopausal stage.

Gurley Stage IV: The Pressed Flower
Post-menopause. The opposite of the first stage of breast development (the "bud") in which the breasts resemble a pressed flower.

Honey, I Shrunk My Breasts! [Salon]

Photos containing an exposed breast do violate our Terms and are removed.

Now, we're not really hippies, and we're certainly not mothers (other than to our dogs and cats), but Christ, just let these people up their mother-child bonding shots if it's so important to them! Where the lines of obscenity are drawn here are just so completely arbitrary and retarded. And so are the Lactivists, actually. They're encouraging people to join their new Facebook group "Hey, Facebook, breastfeeding is not obscene!", which currently has over 7000 members.

Breast Isn't Best On Facebook [TechCrunch]