• Angelina Jolie, as you may know, was in Baghdad yesterday. Saint Angelina walked through a makeshift settlement where 20,000 displaced Iraqis live, and said:

"It is lacking in all of the basic things that you would need, they don't have. They just started to have clean water. They're sleeping on dirt. They have built these areas out of brick by hand. They don't have job opportunities… We have still many young men and women from our country who are fighting every day, there are men and women from all countries who have lost their lives, and this is a time to try to make some positive change." [CNN]

• Angelina told one man: "It takes a lot of strength for you to survive this life. I don't know if I would be strong enough to survive this." And she vowed that this trip would not be her last: "I want to come back and find you in a better place and in a different situation… You need help not because you are poor, but because you are the future of Iraq." [NY Daily News]
• Gerard Butler doesn't have the body he had in 300, says a source. "He's so embarrassed that his six-pack abs have gone, he works out wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses." [Page Six]
• "Mischa's Shocking Interview," filmed a few days before she was taken to the hospital, is not shocking at all. She is talking about fashion and appears very normal. Unless that is shocking? [The Sun]
• Spotted: Tom Cruise out dancing with David and Victoria Beckham. [Page Six]
• Amy Winehouse in court: "I'm probably 5 foot 2 inches to 3 inches tall… But my hair does make a difference." She claims she was wearing flats (ballet slippers, obvs) and could not have hurt the 5 foot 7 woman who claims Amy punched her. [NY Post]
• …And presto! Amy Winehouse has been acquitted of assault. [AP]
• Here's what happens: Kate Major was a reporter, then she "fell for" Jon Gosselin, now other reporters are digging up dirt about her past, like the time she fell down the stairs at a party and loves to drink. [Radar]
• "Jon Gosselin's new girlfriend Kate Major has always sought fame, sees him as meal ticket: insiders." [Gatecrasher]
• Footage of New Moon debuted at Comic-Con yesterday and it "played in part like a matchup of dueling abs." [EW]
• Robert Pattinson seems to have settled in to his new, insane fame: "I pretty much live an almost identical life apart from being recognized," he says. "That's not exactly the worst thing in the world." [People]
• Twilight peeps say Robert and Kristen Stewart have "incredible chemistry." OMG just like the movie! [People]
• More from Comic-Con: Kristen Stewart said, "Uh, I can't wait to get pregnant," in reference to Breaking Dawn. Robert Pattinson added: "I can't wait to perform the Caesarean!" [E!]
• Kate Hudson is a "good luck charm" for boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. [Gatecrasher]
• Megan Fox's rep says Megan Fox never turned down a James Bond movie. "The report about Megan Fox turning down a Bond movie is completely not true. There have been no discussions nor any offers. Megan is a fan of the Bond movies." [People]
• Check out her new AT&T commercials (video at the link) and see how relentlessly fierce Mary J. Blige is. [BrandWeek]
• Michelle Trachtenberg will be working on a new show, Mercy, but she'll still be doing Georgina on Gossip Girl, saying: "Georgina's not going anywhere… She's never gonna die. There's nothing you can do to kill her. It's like one of those horror movies where they're like, 'She's dead,' and then she wakes back up and is like, 'No, I'm not.'" [NY Mag]
• Trachtenberg's "Blacklist" is pretty hilarious: "4. People who refer to themselves in the third person. Michelle thinks that's ridiculous." [BlackBook]
• Twelve-year-old Prince Jackson is "traumatized," as he was the one child who witnessed the doctor's unsuccessful attempts at resuscitation on his father. [Daily Mail]
• This report claims Michael Jackson pleaded for drugs because he had insomnia. [Mirror]
• Katherine Jackson was financially dependent on Michael Jackson and has asked a judge to provide an allowance for Michael's three kids (out of the estate) due to an "urgent need." Court documents claim that Katherine has only "extremely modest" Social Security benefits. [People]
• Oh, God. "Michael Jackson wore a prosthetic nose, according a report — and it was missing from his surgically mangled face as he lay in an LA morgue." [NY Post]
• Demi Moore is suing an Australian magazine for printing a series of photo booth-style photographs, which Demi owned and did not give permission to be published. In the pix? Demi, Rumer Willis, Orlando Bloom, P. Diddy, Cameron Diaz and Amanda De Cadenet. [Sydney Morning Herald]
• A judge has awarded Kelis a whopping $55,000 a month in combined spousal and child support from estranged husband Nas. [TMZ]
• Hmm, this report says Nas will pay $40,000. [People]
• Solange cut her hair and people are freaking the fuck out. [People]
• Bono has invested in the smartphone maker Palm, but is doing commercials for BlackBerry. [NY Post]
• Cailtin Moran on Kendra Wilkinson getting married at the Playboy Mansion and referring to Hef as a "father figure": "Because if there's one thing that holding your wedding in the building that has come to represent licentiousness, misogyny, exploitation and cheap nylon split-crotch panties at the breakfast table, it's referring to the soft pornographer who was 'intimate' with you all those years as 'Dad.'" [Times of London]
• Someone really wants you to keep watching Drop Dead Diva: Upcoming guest stars include Liza Minnelli, Paula Abdul, Tim Gunn, Delta Burke, Jorja Fox and more. [Pop Wrap]
• Jerry Hall will be nude on stage in Calendar Girls on London's West End, and says she is "terrified." "Nudity is always terrifying, even now… And yes, I have to admit I've been trying to eat less. I've been doing yoga classes with some girls in Richmond and eating lots of salads. The nudity scene is brilliantly comic — I was roaring with laughter when I saw it — but I'm worried about whether the buns are going to cover my breasts." [Daily Mail]
• This item is about John Lennon's penis. [Page Six]
• Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler: Still on. [Page Six]
• John Cleese is being treated for inflammation of the prostate gland — and will miss the Just For Laughs festival in Montreal, Canada. [The Sun]
• Eddie Van Halen: Recovering from hand surgery. [Rolling Stone]
• "I started smoking when I was 24, because I'm an idiot. I don't enjoy it so much now, because I've become such a slave to it. I hate planning my life around when I'm getting a cigarette." — Katherine Heigl. [Daily Mail]
• "I just loathe homophobia. It's just disgusting and animal and stupid and it's just thick people who can't get their heads around it and are just scared. I grew up around gay people entirely. I was the only child in my class who had any experience of homosexuality or anything like that." — Daniel Radcliffe, who looks pretty cute on the cover of gay magazine Attitude. [The Sun]
• "One day, sure, but pregnancy scares me. I know I'll be one of those women who looks pregnant all over the body. I'll get fatter and fatter from my toes up." — Katherine Heigl, when asked if she will have kids some day. [Daily Mail]
• "In a way it's good, but I also don't want people thinking of me as this blond heiress… airhead. But that is kind of my brand. I make a lot of money by doing that. I always looked up to Princess Diana and all these women, and now I could never be like that. I want to have a family. I want to be normal. I want to be happy." — Paris Hilton, on the "character" she invented. [Yahoo News via E!, E!]
• "I'm playing Speckles, the mole, and he's an outsider. He's an iconoclast — he doesn't fit in… I'm comfortable with the mole, yeah. I mean, yeah, he's different, he's got issues, you know? I don't want a perfect character, I want a character who has, as strange as it sounds, some humanity, some flaws, some needs. But to be fair, I'm not in a lot of this movie. This is Darwin's movie, um Sam Rockwell and Penelope Cruz's movie — they're the stars. I'm only in it at the beginning and the end." — Nicolas Cage on his role in G-Force. Yes, that is the guinea pig movie. [CNN]
• "I'm probably 20% atheist and 80% agnostic. You'll either find out or not when you get there. Until then, there's no point thinking about it." — Brad Pitt. [Gatecrasher via Bild]

• Oy (Oi?): An Australian tabloid is claiming that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are "in turmoil" because Kristen is pregnant with the sparkle vamp's spawn.

The story is illustrated with a ridiculous "bump watch" close-up of Kristen's rather flat tummy trying to breathe in some super tight leather pants. Oh, hey: While we're on the subject, remember this? [ONTD]

• Will Breaking Dawn, the fourth Twilight film, have a different director? Says New Moon's Ashley Greene: "[Eclipse director] David [Slade] and [New Moon director] Chris [Weitz] will both be busy in postproduction, and Catherine [Hardwicke] will be doing Hamlet." [E!]
• Meanwhile, Robert Pattinson is sick of shooting his film in New York and dying to get back home. A source says he is "so over everything" and overwhelmed by fans: "He's embarrassed by the way girls throw themselves at him. The girls here are stalking him. He stayed in two different hotels over the course of four days just to try to escape the fans who were following him. He's afraid that if he gives a hand, they'll take the whole arm. He's being advised by security not to encourage the crowd, so he doesn't even look up anymore." [Gatecrasher]
• You know that Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning will make out in The Runaways, right? [NY Daily News]
• A tiny, "economically depressed" Indian reservation in Washington state — home of the Quileute Nation — has become inundated with Twilight fans. The tribe opened its Wednesday night drum circle to all visitors, but has "mixed feelings" about the attention. [NY Post]
• Did Chris Brown and Amber Rose hook up at Diddy's white party on July 4? "They were holding hands and making out in the shadows," a witness claims. Kanye West was "devastated" when Chris Brown harmed Rihanna, whom Kanye thinks of as a sister. What will he think of his on/off ladyfriend making out with Chris Brown? WILL HE WRITE A RANT?!?! [NY Daily News]
• Weeks after allegedly trashing a hotel room in L.A., Courtney Love is being accused of leaving a NYC hotel room "littered with needles and used feminine hygiene products." [The Sun]
• Daniel Radcliffe says the idea of him dating Emma Watson is "really incestuous," but admits this of his Harry Potter costars: "There was a period when we were the only boys and girls any of us knew. And so, you know, we were all unbelievably horny from about the third film to probably about the end of the fifth; then it all settled down." Hmm. Sounds like someone was fantasizing about someone! [Mirror]
• Though details are sketchy, it looks like Jennifer Hudson, Stevie Wonder, Alicia Keys and Aretha Franklin will be attending and performing at the Michael Jackson memorial. [MSNBC Scoop]
• 1.6 million people wanted tickets for Michael Jackson's memorial, but only 11,000 tickets are available. A producer says: "It will be a celebration of Michael's life (but) we're not approaching it as a TV show… In the future, there may be a tribute to Michael Jackson. This is really a memorial service. It's not going to have all the bells and whistles. We want to keep it low-key." [AFP]
• "I want to stress to those people who are coming, or are thinking about coming, to the city for this special event that you might want to consider watching this from the comfort of your home," says Councilwoman Jan Perry, L.A.'s acting mayor (Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is out of the country). [CNN]
• There are already Michael Jackson memorial tickets on eBay. [CBS News]
• Lawyers will be in court today, arguing over who will control Michael Jackson's estate. [TMZ]
• The doctor who was with Michael Jackson the day he died clams he did not administer Demerol or OxyContin to Jackson that day. What about Propofol? No comment on that. [TMZ]
• Fans have created a shrine to Michael Jackson in Moscow, Russia. [CNN]
• A 1984 Andy Warhol portrait of Michael Jackson is up for auction, if you have like $10 million. [NY Daily News]
• This piece by Michael Jackson biographer Ian Halperin alleges that Michael was a drug addict who had recorded 200 "secret" songs before he died, had been depressed for a long time and had recently begun a relationship with a male artist, but was afraid of being revealed as gay. [Daily Mail]
• This paper is running video of Michael Jackson defending himself about child abuse allegations. He looks incredulous and annoyed. [News Of The World]
• According to this report, Michael Jackson may be buried in concrete to prevent fans from digging up his grave. [UPI]
• Will Michael Jackson be cremated, and his ashes scattered at Neverland? [NY Post]
• The bodyguard who called 911 to save Michael Jackson's life is named Alberto Alvarez, and he was apparently so loyal he didn't tell his neighbors whom he worked for. "He would disappear for days at a time. I guessed he was in security because of his size," one neighbor says. [Mirror]
• Paul McCartney is "devastated" that he doesn't have rights to Beatles songs he wrote with John Lennon, which may be part of Michael Jackson's estate. [Daily Express]
• In an interview with Silvio Berlusconi, Bob Geldof forced the Italian Prime Minister to apologize for failing to meet commitments to fighting poverty. "How can you lead the G8? Where is your credibility?" Geldof asked. [Times of London]
• Look for Michael Phelps to appear with that guy Jared in new Subway sandwich commercials starting today. The theme? "Be yourself." [AdWeek]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin spent the 4th of July together (with the kids). they had agreed weeks ago to set aside their differences for the holiday. [People]
• Alanis Morissette's guest stint on Weeds begins tonight. The singer says: "Weeds was my solace and respite in the back of the bus on tour. I was in the middle of detoxing at the time, and it was my replacement addiction for food." [USA Today]
• Gerard Butler partied in Montauk, NY over the weekend, at a "model-strewn" bash thrown by photographer Ben Watts (brother of Naomi). Did Gerard have fun? "He was there with about a million girls," a source says. [Page Six]
• Free your mind! En Vogue marked their 20th anniversary with a reunion show at the Essence Music Festival. [AP]
• Lock, stock and two smoking barrels of turnips: Guy Ritchie is trying to make his country estate, Ashcombe House, more eco-friendly and self-sufficient by adding greenhouses and vegetable gardens. [Mirror]
• Josh Duhamel and Fergie got a stripper pole as a wedding gift, but Josh says: "I've played on the pole more than she has." Pardon? "If you know my wife, she's a perfectionist and won't get on it until she's good, so she wants to take a class first. So the pole is really just decorative at this point." [Page Six]
• "German director Wim Wenders has stopped production on the planned 3D dance film Pina following the death of the film's subject — the legendary choreographer Pina Bausch." [Reuters]
• Blind items! "Which self-important, philandering writer who was dumped recently by his long-suffering wife is complaining that his jerky behavior is no longer covered on Page Six, moaning, 'You start getting used to it. And then you pick up the paper and you're not there and you think, 'Well, what am I, chopped liver?'" "Which unnaturally thin celebrity chef credits her bony frame to good eating habits, but really is addicted to laxatives?" [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which actor may have transformed himself from the drinker he once was, but still travels with his sponsor to avoid a slipup?" [Gatecrasher]
• "Q: What did you think about the Letterman/Palin controversy? (He made a truly tasteless joke about a baseball player and her 14-year-old daughter.)
  A: I thought the joke was hilarious and not only brought her back into the spotlight but gave her sympathy.
  Q: So, Letterman shouldn't have said it.
  A: Of course he should have said it! Oh, for God's sakes. We're comedians. Americans are so ridiculously uptight. Enough!" — Joan Rivers. [Houston Chronicle]
• "I look at Chris Martin who says he has never taken drugs in his life and I think he is an idiot. Doing drugs is the most beautiful thing about being in a rockband. Up until 1998 I must have spent £1 million on drugs then I stopped because it is bad for your health, brain, life and for people around you." — Noel Gallagher. [Daily Mail]
• "I was sort of smarting from Russell Crowe coming over here and playing Robin Hood and all these foreigners coming over here and stealing our great heroes - I felt I was striking a blow back by being a Brit playing a foreigner. I'd love to play Robin Hood but I'd particularly like to play all those parts Johnny Depp plays that are English people like The Earl of Rochester." — Dominic West. [Mirror]
• "It is bizarre, certainly in Hollywood, when you hit 23 [and] people start to ask you, 'How does it feel to get older?' It is absolutely surreal because, as a woman, when you hit your 30s it's just the beginning of owning yourself and being in your own body." — Carla Gugino. [Page Six]
• "I've always loved Chanel's style, but I was more interested in her character than the fashion. Her life is so rich, and her personality so unusual, that the story of her life is far greater than simply being a story of fashion. And I wanted to discover what lay behind the façade…" — Audrey Tautou, who plays Coco Chanel in Coco Avant Chanel. [Telegraph]
• "I've always been an elusive person. Maybe because it's the only way to keep yourself sacred. If you blow yourself out on too many movies and magazine covers, you just get chewed up and spat out. Okay, you might get to know me, but you can only come so far. The public is conditioned to think it's entitled to know everything about Brad and Angelina and whoever else, but that's not so. They're not entitled." — Robin Wright Penn. [Times Of London]
• "It's obvious I'm not dressing for men. I don't want to be sexy, I'm, like, covered in tattoos. I have piercings. I'm just grungy and weird and not what is socially accepted as being beautiful, and I think that's cool. [My heroes were mostly big in the '90s.] The women who were championing things that were different. I loved Winona Ryder in her Beetlejuice and Heathers era, and even when I saw Angelina Jolie on the red carpet, like, years before the Hollywood makeover and everyone was so weirded out because she had long, weird nails and a long, weird dress on. And that's what I think is amazing. Anti-beauty. I don't want to dress for men, I think it's almost like a feminist thing." — Peaches Geldof. [Times of London]

• Twihards! Sparkle vamp Robert Pattinson says there will be a fourth Twilight movie; the plot of the book Breaking Dawn will come to the big screen. What does this mean?

To the uninitiated, (SPOILER) this creepy story involves young Bella being pregnant with a vampire baby that eats its way out of her uterus... Fun times! Vampires are dead, right? So how can they be born? Or have sperm to impregnate? Oh, that's right: SPARKLES. [The Hollywood Reporter]

• One of Robert Pattinson's bodyguards pushed a paparazzo into a trash can at Cannes. [Gatecrasher]
• Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez had dinner and drinks in Manhattan Friday night. It's so on. [People]
• Rihanna and rapper Drake: Really, really on. [Page Six]
• Sarah Jessica Parker is concerned for the safety and well-being of the surrogate carrying her twins: "She's had friends threatened and family threatened and she's had family of friends threatened," SJP says. Plus, the woman's phone and computer have been tapped/hacked. [USA Today]
• Gay bashing alert: A young woman was attacked at a party where Samantha Ronson DJ'd, and Sam says it was "simply for being gay." She writes: "NO ONE should have to suffer any sort of attack, verbal or physical, for any reason." Warning: She links to a picture of the victim's face, and the damage is terrible. [MySpace, Twitpic]
• The documentary about Amy Winehouse — Saving Amy — may reveal that the singer is struggling with anorexia, alcohol, and her parents. [Daily Mail]
• If you want to see what Michael Jackson looks like these days — without a face mask — go ahead and click. [Daily Mail]
• Property improvements! Brad Pitt is building a new pool cabana and deck on his Malibu estate, which is up for sale. If you have $18 million, you can get a lovely home, pool, tennis courts, and neighbors like Cindy Crawford and Leo DiCaprio. Any takers? [LA Times]
• Here's a first review of Brad Pitt's latest, Inglorious Basterds. Derek Malcolm calls it "absurd, overlong and mostly cardboard version of World War II." The script "places its actors in the unenviable position of appearing either melodramatic, farcical or just plain dull." And "there are some decent moments but they are few and far between." [This Is London]
• Ellen had No Doubt come to her show and overbooked the studio by 500 people — leaving hundreds in the heat and sun for hours, even though they had tickets. Feeling hella bad. [Perez]
• Shawn Johnson says Dancing With The Stars changed her life, and that her dancing partner brought out her personality. "And I've loved every second of it." [E!]
• A neighbor says Jon and Kate of Plus 8 fame are only together for the TLC paychecks. "A lot of people around town say that's what their relationship has been about for a while." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Paula Abdul was asked if all four judges would be returning to American Idol next season, and replied, "Tune in!" [LA Times]
• A reporter to Hugh Hefner: "Would you let Lindsay Lohan play for Playboy?" Hef: "Who?" Reporter: "Lindsay Lohan." Hef cluelessly looks to his young girlfriend, who says, "Lindsay Lohan?" Hef, still looking confused, says, "Sure." Its on video. [Radar Online]
• In this video, Katy Perry talks about her religious parents: "They're very much cool." And: "My mom's isn't the rock-n-roller pot-smoking debutant that she was, and my dad's not the acid dealer with long hair anymore." Plus, she says doing a second record will be good, because "It'll show that either I got lucky or that I was meant to do this." [Rolling Stone]
• Years before Jay Leno nabbed a primetime spot, NBC was asking Oprah and Letterman to try it. [Variety]
• George Clooney will star in a flick called A Very Private Gentleman, playing an assassin who who protects his cover by hiding out in an Italian town. Is it even fiction? Can't you picture Cloons having a secret identity? [Yahoo News via E!]
• Looks like Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl will definitely be in Footloose; and now he may be joined by Miley Cyrus. The world is a strange and mysterious place. [E!, The Hollywood Reporter]
• Paris Hilton has been trying to get paid to appear at nightclubs in Cannes; a source says: "They aren't about to pay her. It's not 2002." [Page Six]
• Seven words you didn't want to hear this morning: "Jennifer Love Hewitt to relaunch singing career." [NME]
• Jesus, there is still major drama going on in Gossip Girl star Kelly Rutherford's divorce and custody battle. Rutherford has filed legal papers asking the judge to bar her ex from taking their 2-year-old son Hermes home — until the dad kid-proofs the pool and play areas. [TMZ]
• In this video, Charlotte Gainsbourg, who stars in Lars von Trier's Antichrist — the one with the genital mutilation — defends the film and Von Trier against the charge that he hates and exploits women. [Guardian]
• Another day, another Slumdog Millionaire child star's home destroyed. This time it was the living quarters of little Rubina Ali. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Sienna Miller wants a rose named after her, so somebody had better get on that. [Daily Express]
• Do you care if Vanessa Minnillo is still with Nick Lachey or not? This report says she was seen "acting single." Because she was drinking and dancing in a club. [Page Six]
• Colin Firth says he was well-versed in Noel Coward's work long before he signed on to star in Easy Virtue, a film based on a Coward play. [UPI]
• Does Ryan Phillippe have a wandering eye? [Page Six]
• File under: Moms re-entering the workplace. Liz Hurley has been away from movies for five years — due to the birth of her son — but would like to come back: "I decided I couldn't do movies for a while, which was a huge decision for me because I actually love making movies more than anything," she says. If she could do a film that could work around her son's school holidays, she would "take it like a shot." [Telegraph]
• T-Mobile is bringing Catherine Zeta-Jones back to its ads. [Business Insider via WSJ]
• Interesting: Chris Pontius of Jackass fame will appear in the new Sofia Coppola film, Somewhere. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• It's hard to read this story about actor Rip Torn's probation for DUI, because his 2006 mug shot is so LOL. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Blind item! "Which wanna-be rocker had to take a trip to the emergency room because he went to sleep with his contacts in?" [Gatecrasher]
• "It is all going well and I know I am very happy right now. I want the happy ever after ending. I've definitely changed. I'm just letting things happen and seeing what does. In so many ways I am behind the mark for my age. I'm not married and I don't have children but my attitude now is that things may happen or they may not but just be happy." — Kylie Minogue, who has been dating this sweet piece of man candy for seven months. [Daily Mail]
• "I'm doing a speech about the situation with AIDS in America basically, and how we need to address what's going on. We seem to be falling a little behind in America. I find this disease very cyclical. Every 10 years or so, after we spend a lot of money trying to educate people — a new generation of people — and we tell them to have safe sex and to abstain sometimes but have safe sex, wear condoms, we find that after 10 years another whole group of people come along. And we have to start all over again, which is really, really frustrating because it takes money for education. And we find that if we could get into the schools at a grass-roots levels, which we do in places like Africa where we get to kids at a young age and we tell them about preventive measures for not getting HIV, we find the success rate is tremendous." — Elton John. [CNN]
• "I just hope it will go away, after a little bit of time. I hope I'm not naïve in thinking that's possible. I don't want to be a part of it. I can't seem to navigate a way of doing that, of actually telling the truth of events that happened without feeling I'm encouraging the whole gossip notion." — Christian Bale on his rant. [USA Today]
• "I don't want us to split up. I love my husband, but I can't sit around crying. This is a new story and a new chapter in my life. Pete is the love of my life and I am so sad and upset by his decision to separate and divorce me as I married him for life. This is not what I want, but the decision was taken out of my hands." — Katie "Jordan" Price. [Telegraph]
• "'Hot' has become a euphemism for all things positive, making it generally acceptable to use to describe everything from a jalapeño to a drum solo. It's sort of a useful word. We don't have to think of appropriate adjectives for people, places, performances, tacos, or objects anymore as they all fit snugly under the glorious umbrella of 'hotness.' So I don't know how hot I am but I'm honored to be considered as warmer than the average taco." — Olivia Wilde, who is number one on Maxim's Hot List. She also says, "Michelle [Obama] will always be No. 1 on MY list." [The Daily Beast]

[Lots of spoilers follow.] First there's heroine Bella's willingness to marry her vampire lover Edward, even though it means becoming a vampire, leaving behind her family, and sacrificing any hope of a normal life. Then there's her pregnancy. She conceives during the honeymoon, and although she's never wanted a child before, she immediately falls totally in love with the green-eyed baby boy she's sure she's carrying. "I wanted him like I wanted air to breathe," Meyer writes, "Not a choice — a necessity."

This creepy antiabortion allegory quickly gets literal, as the half-vampire fetus (actually an interesting metaphor for any pregnancy) starts killing Bella from the inside out. Even as it breaks her ribs and sucked the life from her, she proclaims, "I won't kill him." But does she have to face the consequences of this choice? No, because vampire magic suddenly allows mother and father to hear the fetus's thoughts, and to discover that it already loves them!

Edward telepathically tells it not to hurt its mommy, and while he does end up having to bite it out of Bella's body with his teeth, everything is again fine because he uses more vampire magic to heal her wounds. Because she is now a vampire, Bella is even hotter than she was before pregnancy, and after a short recovery period she's able to have all-night sex sessions with her husband while the extended family takes care of the perfectly behaved, telepathic baby. In the Breaking Dawn universe, teen motherhood just makes your life rad.

All this radness is made possible in part by the idealized relationships all the vampires and werewolves have. Gone for the most part is the sexy rapacity of Dracula; gone is the fine long tradition of gay vampires. These vampires mate for life, and they mate straight. Werewolf love, meanwhile, involves imprinting, which can happen at any age. The werewolf Jacob imprints on Bella's baby — who turns out to be a girl — giving her a "promise ring" when she's only a few months old. Basically these mythical creatures live in a very safe, heteronormative world — and a boring one.

This is actually the book's biggest problem. It's 754 pages long, its heroine's dominant personality trait is low self-esteem, and, as Amazon reviewer Eventide points out, nobody really has to give up anything. Even the tedium of immortality is glossed over — these vampires just keep busy with their hobbies. If I had an eternity to read, I still might never pick up this book again.

Breaking Dawn does seem to be promoting a fundamentally conservative ideology. But then so does The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, and they will pry that book from my cold, dead, godless fingers. I think ultimately we shouldn't worry too much about what ideas young adult books promulgate. We should worry about whether the books themselves are awesome. Because awesomeness promotes thinking, and thinking promotes becoming the kind of adult we all want more of in the world: the kind who can understand the message of a book — or a movie, or a blog post, or a presidential candidate — and decide for herself whether she agrees.

Breaking Dawn [Amazon]
Big Week For (And Big Reactions To) 'Breaking Dawn' [Publishers Weekly]
All Fangs, No Bite [Guardian]