Not to be Judgey McWhatever, but isn't "don't drink too much" good advice? The last thing someone smarting from a break-up and likely depressed needs is a budding case of alcoholism.
My best breakup remedy? After an awful breakup this summer, I watched TV episodes on a loop as I fell asleep. Even though I could call people/bitch/cry whatever, all day long, those last few moments before I fell asleep? Couldn't bear to be alone with my thoughts.
eek! after a trainwreck breakup at the beginning of the year that has taken me most of a year to get over, i can say that my key piece of advice is to remember to look after yourself. Make sure you eat, sleep, and exercise as close to routine as possible, even when your heart is breaking all over again, every time you step out of bed.
@Vivien Smith-Smythe-Smith: This is such good advice, but like the "Don't lose your dignity" advice referenced in the article, it is just a fact of life that lots of people temporarily become hermits / bathe in cheap gin / gain 10 pounds. It doesn't make you a crazy person, or a bad person; it's just a fact of life.
@Seize: Oh I know- it happened to me. I just wish that when it did, someone had been around to encourage me to at least go through the motions of normalcy.
@Vivien Smith-Smythe-Smith: Man, I was such a mess when I broke up with my boyfriend three years ago. But I've gotta tell you, even after literally having my heart shat on and broken into smithereens, I am now able to remember him fondly and I sincerely wish him the best. I'm not even kidding. Time really does heal all wounds. If I ever run into him again, I'll smile and ask him how he's been.
I went through the most horrible break-up of my life this past summer. (The kind where I lost 11 lbs. in a week because I could not keep any food down because I was so upset. Also, my hair started falling out because of all the cigarettes and lack of food.) We were best friends for years before we got together, and lived together for 3 years. It was horrible to take the house apart and cry all over his belongings whenever he wasn't at home. The only thing that helped me maintain a little smidge of dignity was a) reminding myself that this was gonna all feel far away one day. and b) after giving myself some bathroom floor cry time, stopping myself when I started to run the risk of really not being at all present with the rest of my post breakup life. I did it by asking these questions of myself... "How would I like to be spending my energy right now?" Also- "Who do I want to be in this?" (I decided that I didn't want to be the person who gave away my power by internalizing his rejection, no matter much I love/d him. I wanted to be someone who read, and made art, and got drunk with friends and prayed real hard prayers of gratitude.) So that was helpful.
Until, after 6 months of not seeing each other, we hung out last night and talked until dawn, and then totally cuddled and made out. I can't decide if this was incredibly stupid or not. I do know that I miss him and never loved anyone as much as I love/d him. And though we both made terrible mistakes in our past, we've been consistently kind and respectful to each other throughout the post-breakup process. And we seem to be relating to each other much more healthily as time has gone on. But has anyone ever heard of a story like this that turns out well? Because the other advice I got was "never, ever, NEVER look back once you're well on the road to healing."
I broke up with my boyfriend of four years in October and, after a particularly incriminating night of confessions - (in which I admitted to Facebook stalking the ex via his friends and, you know, turning off my heat at night, so the kitties would be forced to cuddle up in bed) - my friend told me that, if the relationship had ever meant anything, then it was impossible to exit with any shred of dignity. Like, it just can't be done.
Don't know if this is a universal truth, but I'm totally using it to justify the constant wearing of pajama pants.
I'm going through a rough breakup right now and all of these stories are making me feel much better. It looks like a lot of Jezzies are going through a heartbreak right now. Mabye we could all get together and start our own Lonely Hearts Club/Support Group. We could all burn each other's exes in effigy. Or just braid each other's hair. Ya know, whatever.
It took me almost a decade to get over a past relationship. I hit high's and I hit extreme low's. I guess if it takes me almost 10 years to get past a certain relationship, that is pretty low. But that is how I felt. And it did take a new relationship to finally see the light. I know sad. Breakups are NEVER easy.
@ilovehermakeup: Oh, my favorite advice that made me have thoughts of beating my friend with the phone was "You have to learn to love yourself before you can find someone to love you". I wanted to seriously beat her that day.
Seriously, that has to be one of the most vicious pieces of backhanded advice ever. Yeah, of course, the person broke up with me because I don't love myself!
I understand your frustration. I cursed my mom out when she told me that after my first breakup.
For me, actually breaking up with the guy wasn't the hardest part.
The hardest part was losing all the friends I had over it (and over other stupid reasons). And then when people tell you 'rely on your friends to help you through it', then I'm guessing I should just magically find a group of friends that would be there for me when I needed them to? Life doesn't work that way, and it sucks.
That period of time was one of the worst in my life. And since I still don't have friends, I may have to do things all by myself.
Oh wow - I just remembered the best break-up advice I ever got!
Once after a terrible breakup a good friend told me to write down on an index card the top 10 things I couldn't stand about my ex when we were together and/or things that I wouldn't miss about him. Then I kept the card on me at all times and any time I started feeling sad I would whip it out and read it.
I carried that thing for a good 2-3 months and it really helped! At the very least it would take me from weepy public breakdown type mind-frame to pissed off, eff him mindframe. Got me through a lot of situations when it would have been awkward to burst into tears.
@scullymurphy: That is really great advice. That is something that helped me get over an ex who I subsequently became friends with later. Unfortunately, he didn't even deserve to be my friend, so now whenever I get upset thinking about him I try to remember all jerky ways he treated me and realize I'm better off without.
But I could've used the index card tip from the very beginning.
@scullymurphy: Ah, the Hate List. During a very messy break-up with my first major boyfriend, I did this very same thing. I had 123 items (things I hated about him or awful things he did to me) on my list, and I could have kept going.
Some were things that used to be a non-issue, but transformed into something completely revolting, e.g. "I hate how he eats leftovers standing next the refrigerator with the door open and then, after he's had his fill, leaves the utensils in the tupperware for even easier plundering at a later time."
Other line items were the sort of things that are so incredibly cruel or nitpicking that you could never tell someone such a thing to their face and expect it to be forgiven--or forgotten. Secret, wicked little thoughts.
I still have the list tucked away. I run into said ex about once a year, and he does his best to ooze charm, and it helps to retreat, review my list, and remember.
@ChessieCat: My friend says the key is to slowly lever yourself out of looking at your past relationship through rose-colored glasses. It's like you read the list enough until it finally sinks in that it wasn't that great when you were together. My take on it is that it provides you the 5 year perspective (looking back on a failed relationship 5 years after it ends) in a lot shorter amount of time.
i'm only halfway through reading the comments and i've never added anything before, but i feel compelled. i'm going through a gut-wrenching, very 21st century breakup with someone i was with for 6 years on and off, who (i thought) was wonderful to me and who i very much loved.
to try to give the cliff's notes, on monday night my brother left his facebook homepage on my computer. i saw a comment from my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, who i knew my brother had met a while ago and was friendly with. i clicked her name out of curiousity, and her profile said "in a relationship with"...my boyfriend. i texted him right away, he said he was sorry, he still had feelings for her, and that he wanted to be with her. i tried to call him and he didn't pick up, then texted me and asked if he could please call me tomorrow. because he was with his ex/current girlfriend? yup.
so i've been pretty devastated...i've barely showered or eaten, and this is the 2nd day i've called out of work (i'm a hairstylist, i feel like my clients probably don't want their 'dos ruined by tears). i've literally googled things like "being left for another woman" looking for some sort of comfort, which i couldn't find because whatever popped up seemed to be written by jilted 40somethings who i very much sympathized with but couldn't relate to. this article and the comments couldn't have come at a better time. thanks to all of you for making me feel a little less alone, a little less crazy and a little more like things will be ok.
@kristenvsmothra: I know the whole point of this post is about NOT saying things like this, but...
It totally sucks that that happened, and if you need to yell/vent/rant, you can always pm me. Just know that in the long run, you'll be better off without him, and for now it's okay to be upset if you want to be or just take the time to grieve, ya know? I took 2.5 days off from work after my last bad breakup, and sometimes ya just gotta wallow.
@Le Kangourou de Kataroo: wow, that's so generous of you, thank you so much. it's not impossible that i may take you up on that! yeah the work thing has been frustrating...it's like being really annoyed that you have a cold and you can't function, times one billion. thanks for giving me the equivalent of an internet hug. <3
@kristenvsmothra: I pm'ed you my email addy just in case you ever want to use it : )
Breaking up SUCKS BALLS, and it makes everything else a little bit scarier, but you'll pull through. I'm having a glass of wine for both of us right now!
My last breakup happened to coincide with the Summer Olympics. If you can, try to plan your breakup around times when hot men in small swimming shorts will be showing up on your tv screens on the regular. It helps.
@bowleserised: If he had dumped her I'd offer you some vermouth to go in that dry schadenfreude martini, but somehow that offering doesn't seem *exactly* right ...
@bowleserised: I remember how I was about relationships when I was 19 and 20. Today I turned 25 and I am soooo glad. My friends and I were wackos. I think, though, you have to go through that. I would not ask my 19 year old self for relationship advice any day.
Ironically, today I went on facebook and saw the married/engaged studio pictures for the first guy I (at 18-19)was So Obsessed to the point I thought I Would Never Love Ever Again. It was weird - to look at someone that I was that crushed out on and be like, "I am so glad I am not 18, 19 anymore."
@bowleserised: I'm not sure if this is my British sarcasm shining through, but when I read this I thought 'were they so bad they cheered you up?'. That would be have been outstanding.
My last breakup, before finding someone ever-more wonderful, was one of the "stepped in front of a truck" variety. As in, didn't see it coming. What kills me is how badly my ex behaved - not that he was so much a jerk about things, but that he wasn't honest with me about how he felt. There was no discussion, no trust, just "This is over now." Which to me seems really dishonorable for someone you've been with for a year.
They say women take too long to get back in the game, and men do it too soon, but honestly, I had some of the best times when I was single. There was a lot of healing, a lot of being mad at myself for being foolish, but when you're single, you only worry about your happiness. You can experience things without worrying about whether or not another person is having a good time. There's a freedom and a joy, when you've moved past the pain, before you pair off again.
I think the thing is, it's going to take as long as it's going to take. There are going to be bad days. You're may lose track of your health, your money, your grooming for a while, and that's okay. You can't expect to keep everything rigidly in hand, or you'll only be disappointed.
My dad is currently going through his second divorce, which I can see is very difficult for him. He's been with her for 18 years, she wants out, not him, and she's being really irrational about everything. All I can do is talk to him, listen to his confusion, his anger, his love for this woman who is just toying with him, at this point. It's hard to remember that when you're in pain, it's all you want to talk about. It does get really tedious to discuss the same thing over and over, especially when I never liked her. But I think the reward, as the friend who is a shoulder to cry on, is that when someone begins to move on, after the heartache, you can celebrate with them.
I really needed this post and these comments today because I am going through what is not really a break-up, but a separation, and possibly the end to what was (is?) a complicated, unworkable, impossible and ill-conceived relationship. It was wrong in so many ways, but it is also the first time in a decade (and the second time in my life) that I have been unabashedly in love like this, and I'm at a point where I'm kind of thinking that may never happen to me again, and that terrifies me.
Anyway, I just needed to be reminded that splitting up/separating is really fucking hard for everybody, and I'm not ridiculous for letting this matter to me so damn much. Thanks, Jezzies, for being the company for my misery.
i was dumped 7 months ago and i am still not over it, probably never will be. she broke my heart and although i will love her in someway forever, i HATE her too. i think that's just fine and perfectly healthy. weeks of laying in my roommates bed (i was too depressed to be in my own, where she had been so many times) eating bad take out from the diner up the block, and watching religious documentaries (the only thing that didn't remind me of her) didn't really help. time is the only thing that seems to be making any sort of difference. i no longer feel like i'm going to have a heart attack anytime i hear her name so if that's progress i'll take it. seeing her new girlfriend fall face first into a pile of dog crap would help too.
@kelsey.jones24: It took the guy I'm with now over a year to get over his ex. When we started dating he still wasn't fully healed, and was very honest about it from the get go. I wish I could tell you there's some magical remedy that I figured out to make things all better, but really all you can do is let your heart heal on its own terms. Once you do, you'll be amazed at how you can love again. There's some relationships you may never get over - I have two in particular that I'll never truly "be over" - but your feelings change and you eventually start to look at your memories in a different light and things start to get better.
Just know you're not the only one who's suffered through this. It sucks, but you'll get there.
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Until, after 6 months of not seeing each other, we hung out last night and talked until dawn, and then totally cuddled and made out. I can't decide if this was incredibly stupid or not. I do know that I miss him and never loved anyone as much as I love/d him. And though we both made terrible mistakes in our past, we've been consistently kind and respectful to each other throughout the post-breakup process. And we seem to be relating to each other much more healthily as time has gone on. But has anyone ever heard of a story like this that turns out well? Because the other advice I got was "never, ever, NEVER look back once you're well on the road to healing."
12/16/09
I broke up with my boyfriend of four years in October and, after a particularly incriminating night of confessions - (in which I admitted to Facebook stalking the ex via his friends and, you know, turning off my heat at night, so the kitties would be forced to cuddle up in bed) - my friend told me that, if the relationship had ever meant anything, then it was impossible to exit with any shred of dignity. Like, it just can't be done.
Don't know if this is a universal truth, but I'm totally using it to justify the constant wearing of pajama pants.
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Seriously, that has to be one of the most vicious pieces of backhanded advice ever. Yeah, of course, the person broke up with me because I don't love myself!
I understand your frustration. I cursed my mom out when she told me that after my first breakup.
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The hardest part was losing all the friends I had over it (and over other stupid reasons). And then when people tell you 'rely on your friends to help you through it', then I'm guessing I should just magically find a group of friends that would be there for me when I needed them to? Life doesn't work that way, and it sucks.
That period of time was one of the worst in my life. And since I still don't have friends, I may have to do things all by myself.
12/16/09
Once after a terrible breakup a good friend told me to write down on an index card the top 10 things I couldn't stand about my ex when we were together and/or things that I wouldn't miss about him. Then I kept the card on me at all times and any time I started feeling sad I would whip it out and read it.
I carried that thing for a good 2-3 months and it really helped! At the very least it would take me from weepy public breakdown type mind-frame to pissed off, eff him mindframe. Got me through a lot of situations when it would have been awkward to burst into tears.
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But I could've used the index card tip from the very beginning.
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Some were things that used to be a non-issue, but transformed into something completely revolting, e.g. "I hate how he eats leftovers standing next the refrigerator with the door open and then, after he's had his fill, leaves the utensils in the tupperware for even easier plundering at a later time."
Other line items were the sort of things that are so incredibly cruel or nitpicking that you could never tell someone such a thing to their face and expect it to be forgiven--or forgotten. Secret, wicked little thoughts.
I still have the list tucked away. I run into said ex about once a year, and he does his best to ooze charm, and it helps to retreat, review my list, and remember.
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to try to give the cliff's notes, on monday night my brother left his facebook homepage on my computer. i saw a comment from my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, who i knew my brother had met a while ago and was friendly with. i clicked her name out of curiousity, and her profile said "in a relationship with"...my boyfriend. i texted him right away, he said he was sorry, he still had feelings for her, and that he wanted to be with her. i tried to call him and he didn't pick up, then texted me and asked if he could please call me tomorrow. because he was with his ex/current girlfriend? yup.
so i've been pretty devastated...i've barely showered or eaten, and this is the 2nd day i've called out of work (i'm a hairstylist, i feel like my clients probably don't want their 'dos ruined by tears). i've literally googled things like "being left for another woman" looking for some sort of comfort, which i couldn't find because whatever popped up seemed to be written by jilted 40somethings who i very much sympathized with but couldn't relate to. this article and the comments couldn't have come at a better time. thanks to all of you for making me feel a little less alone, a little less crazy and a little more like things will be ok.
12/16/09
It totally sucks that that happened, and if you need to yell/vent/rant, you can always pm me. Just know that in the long run, you'll be better off without him, and for now it's okay to be upset if you want to be or just take the time to grieve, ya know? I took 2.5 days off from work after my last bad breakup, and sometimes ya just gotta wallow.
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Breaking up SUCKS BALLS, and it makes everything else a little bit scarier, but you'll pull through. I'm having a glass of wine for both of us right now!
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She dumped him for someone else a month later.
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* no offense to Jezzies of that age. We were pretty callow about emotional relationships at the time.
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Ironically, today I went on facebook and saw the married/engaged studio pictures for the first guy I (at 18-19)was So Obsessed to the point I thought I Would Never Love Ever Again. It was weird - to look at someone that I was that crushed out on and be like, "I am so glad I am not 18, 19 anymore."
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They say women take too long to get back in the game, and men do it too soon, but honestly, I had some of the best times when I was single. There was a lot of healing, a lot of being mad at myself for being foolish, but when you're single, you only worry about your happiness. You can experience things without worrying about whether or not another person is having a good time. There's a freedom and a joy, when you've moved past the pain, before you pair off again.
I think the thing is, it's going to take as long as it's going to take. There are going to be bad days. You're may lose track of your health, your money, your grooming for a while, and that's okay. You can't expect to keep everything rigidly in hand, or you'll only be disappointed.
My dad is currently going through his second divorce, which I can see is very difficult for him. He's been with her for 18 years, she wants out, not him, and she's being really irrational about everything. All I can do is talk to him, listen to his confusion, his anger, his love for this woman who is just toying with him, at this point. It's hard to remember that when you're in pain, it's all you want to talk about. It does get really tedious to discuss the same thing over and over, especially when I never liked her. But I think the reward, as the friend who is a shoulder to cry on, is that when someone begins to move on, after the heartache, you can celebrate with them.
12/16/09
Anyway, I just needed to be reminded that splitting up/separating is really fucking hard for everybody, and I'm not ridiculous for letting this matter to me so damn much. Thanks, Jezzies, for being the company for my misery.
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Just know you're not the only one who's suffered through this. It sucks, but you'll get there.