• Nene and Kim might get evicted from Real Housewives Of Atlanta?!?! Aren't they the most entertaining ones?

Oh: They're demanding more money than Bravo wants to shell out. Hmm. Anyways, Bravo is looking for new wealthy/notable Atlanta housewives, though Usher's ex-wife Tameka Foster isn't being considered: Apparently "Tameka isn't very popular in Atlanta," and all the "housewives" said they'd leave the show if she were cast. OUCH. [Gatecrasher]

• BREAKING: John Mayer was seen talking to Kim Kardashian. She is happy with Reggie Bush, however. [Page Six]
• A hip NYC cafe is being sued by a waitress who claims she had her hours cut after she refused to date the "Butterscotch Stallion," Owen Wilson. [Page Six]
• Oprah won't win an Oscar for "producing" Precious because she signed on to do so after the film was shot, which disqualifies her (and Tyler Perry). [NY Post]
• By the by: Oprah's ratings are down. [NY Post]
• I like the way Josh Brolin is looking at Matt Damon in this Entertainment Weekly pic from a story about the documentary project The People Speak. [Gatecrasher]
• A former nanny claims that Christie Brinkley ignored the fact that Alexa Joel was becoming a troubled child. [Page Six]
• Mischa Barton was seen knocking back shots and drinking margaritas and a source says "she looked healthy and in control." Whatever that means. [Page Six]
• Wendy Williams got breast implants when she was 14. FOURTEEN. fourteen years ago. Sigh. Misleading headline! [Gatecrasher via People]
• The company which has the rights to distribute shirts, posters and other things with Michael Jackson on 'em is suing EVERYONE who is "bootlegging" items. [TMZ]
• A California appeals court is considering whether Roman Polanski's case can be dismissed without him being present. [CNN, LA Times]
• Kendra Wilkinson has given birth to Hank Randall Baskett IV. [Ok!, People]
• Inevitable? Tiger Woods paramour Rachel Uchitel is in negotiations to pose for Playboy. [Extra]
• Another (unnamed) woman who had a relationship with Tiger Woods has hired Gloria Allred as her lawyer. [Radar Online]
• Porn star Holly Sampson is not denying anything; she confirms that she and Tiger Woods were "intimate." In addition, in some old video clip she says that Tiger is the whitest black boy you've ever met. His teeth are perfect and he's the perfect gentleman." Then she points to her crotch and says: "He's beautiful ... beautiful everything." [Us Magazine]
• Hollywood madam Michelle Braun says that at least two of Tiger Woods' hookups — Jamie Jungers and Holly Sampson — were high-end escorts. [TMZ]
• Oh, and Michelle Braun says that Tiger was a client, and paid $60,000 for her high-priced hookers. [E!, NY Daily News, NY Post]
• Holly Sampson: "Although I enjoyed our time together, I never was and never will be one of Tiger's mistresses. I resent being put in the same category as the other women." This is because their hookups took place before he was married. [TMZ]
• "Tiger Woods has come clean to his stunning Swedish wife about ALL of his dirty horndogging, porn-star loving, cocktail-waitress chasing and general catting around with scads of ladies, according to a report." [NY Post via People]
• TLC was granted an injunction against Jon Gosselin, which — thank Zeus — bars Jon from making any more appearances like that embarrassing pool party thing. [Extra, AP]
• You may have heard that Chris Brown did a radio interview in which the DJ asked him about Rihanna — and Chris promptly hung up. Audio at the link. [TMZ]
• Jeff Bridges plays a washed-up country singer named Bad Blake in new movie Crazy Heart, and says his mom didn't like one of his most famous characters, The Dude, and "probably wouldn't like Bad, either. She liked to see her son play the president or a doctor-like any old mom, you know." [WSJ]
• Q: You've been married to the same woman for 32 years. Rule #1 for staying together in Hollywood? 
Jeff Bridges: "Don't get a divorce. That will keep you together, you know." [WSJ]
• "Michael Barrett, 48, Will Plead Guilty To Stalking For Secretly Making Nude Film Of ESPN Reporter [Erin Andrews]; Faces 5 Years In Jail." [CBS News]
• Brad Paisley has the number one album on Time's Top 100 Albums list. [Time]
• The Princess And The Frog is the number one movie on Time's Top 100 movies list. (Up is number 2, so, yay! animation.) [Time]
• Lil Wayne's new album, Rebirth, has been delayed. Again. [Reuters]
• RIP Flight Of The Conchords. Show collaborator James Bobin says: "While the characters Bret and Jemaine will no longer be around, the real Bret and Jemaine will continue to exist." Quietly sob while you watch this video the guys made for us, the ladies of the world. Redheads not warheads! Blondes not bombs! Brunettes not fighter jets! [NY Times]
• RIP It's On With Alexa Chung, which I actually thought didn't seem so bad, although I only saw it once or twice. [Variety]
• Russell Crowe is an a "laughable weepie" of a movie this columnist calls a "mawkish blunder." [NY Post]
• "I'm not picky, quite honestly. It's simply that I recognize pretty quickly the stuff that I don't like. And I also recognize the impulse that is dragging me towards a piece of work. And perhaps as you get older, that impulse comes less often." — Daniel Day-Lewis sounds kind of picky about his acting roles. [Guardian]
• "I am not proud of being rich." — Ricky Gervais. [Page Six]
• "There's no question that the recession has had an effect on the arts, especially on British films. Things are not being greenlit as much and it is more difficult for people to get work. When you go abroad people always talk with such love about British theatre, but the irony is that it's not appreciated by the Government as it should be. The state of the arts has always been, and will always be, precarious. But there is something so alarming about the huge cuts made to companies, particularly when you read of the astronomical amounts some people are earning, like bankers… I am concerned that they've taken a lot of the subsidy to the arts away for the Olympics. It's been siphoned off." — Dame Judi Dench is is calling for arts funding to be fixed. [Times Of London]
• "The Internet is full of humorists. They've risen from the earth. They've fallen from the skies. Anyone can write anything, anytime they want. Blogs that are angry—which maybe half of them are—wear out. What people keep going back to are writers who are funny. That's a great thing." — Garrison Keillor. At the link, he reveals why he wears red shoes. [Time]
• "I'm doing well, you know, because I'm committed to it and they're lovely, lovely people, its been nice. Obviously when I heard that my girlfriend had preacher parents, I thought well this has got a huge scope for disaster, but it's actually been quite good so far. Its been really good actually, in retrospect its been one of my favorite years, [the highlight was] meeting Katy. She's amazing. I'm having a right laugh. She's a good person to spend time with and its changed me - it's made me stop doing stuff that I probably shouldn't have been doing." — Russell Brand. [Daily Mail]
• "I didn't get cast in Shakespeare, but [my teacher Mrs. Rodriguez] cast me later in Oliver… There are a lot of people in my life who are surprised that I am where I am, but Mrs. Rodriguez would not be. I wish more than anything that she truly knew how much I really loved her for the gift that she gave me." — America Ferrera "held back tears" as she spoke at a New York Women In Film lunch; her teacher died of cancer before America became a star. [Page Six]
• "WOW... THIS IS REALLY FLATTERING... I'VE HAD SOME UPS AND DOWNS THIS YEAR, WELL ACTUALLY THIS DECADE. JUST SEEING THIS COVER TAKES ME BACK TO THAT TIME OF MY LIFE. I REMEMBER HOW MUCH PAIN AND LOVE WENT INTO THIS ALBUM. NO ONE SAW IT COMING. THIS PROJECT WASN'T ABOUT ME, IT WAS ABOUT A TIME IN PEOPLES LIVES WHERE PEOPLE FORCE OPINIONS ON YOU AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE CHOICES FOR YOURSELF. WE LOVED 50 CENT BUT WE WANTED TO BE THE YANG. WE WANTED TO WEAR PINK POLOS AND RAP ABOUT BEING HURT INSTEAD BEING INVINCIBLE. THERE WAS A CORE GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO WORKED ON THIS ALBUM EVERYDAY.... PLAIN PAT, JOHN MONOPOLY, DON CRAWLEY, ANTHONY KILHOFFER, MANNY MARROQUIN, JOHN LEGEND, DEVON HARRIS, RYHMEFEST, GEE ROBERSON, HIP HOP, AL BRANCH, DAMON DASH, GABE TESORIERO, CRAIG BAUER, GLC, OL' SCHOOL ICE GREE, CONSEQUENCE, B NICE AND MY MOM. I WAS MOST INSPIRED BY THE MISEDUCATION OF LAURYN HILL AND I LISTENED TO THAT ALBUM EVERYDAY WHILE WORKING ON MY DEBUT. THANK YOU FOR THIS ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND FOR PUTTING "THE BLUEPRINT" ON THE LIST ALSO. I LOVED "THE LOVE BELOW' AND "GET RICH OR DIE TRYING" ALSO. THEY BOTH EQUALLY DESERVED THE NUMBER ONE SPOT IN MY EYES BUT THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE NUMBER ONE!!!" — Your friend Kanye West is kind of excited about Entertainment Weekly naming his CD, The College Dropout, the top album of the decade. [KanyeUniverseCity]

• A French bankruptcy court has backed a plan that will cut 90% of Christian Lacroix's staff, and reduce the 22-year-old house to a licensing operation. [ToL]
• None other than Simon Doonan is decorating the White House for Christmas. [NYTimes]

• Speaking of the Obamas: Naeem Khan made not one but five dresses for Michelle Obama to consider for the state dinner last week. "It took 10 people three weeks to make the embroidery," says the Indian-born designer. The dresses were made in America, but the beading came from India. [W]
• The point of this story seems to be: Rihanna has changed her style remarkably since she started entertaining us with song. [CNN]
• Tiger Woods may still be wanted for questioning by the Florida Highway Patrol, but Nike is emphatically standing by their $40-million star. [WWD]
• Kate Hudson loved the costumes in her movie Nine, set in 1960s Italy like its progenitor, 8 1/2, because the period fabulousness reminded her of watching her mother get dressed as a little girl. [UPI]
• Catherine McNeil's Australian Vogue comeback cover is out. [Models.com]
• Hey, everyone! This week is the week that all the major department stores expect to magically start reducing their prices as one! To a modest 30-40% off. (Just don't call it collusion!) Net-A-Porter went 30-50% off yesterday, so that $4,000 dress might now be $2,500, with tax, and Saks is starting its up to 40% off sale Thursday; hold on till after Christmas for steeper cuts. Stores laid in around 20% less stock than last year, in hopes of avoiding last fall's rash of below-cost markdowns. It appears they've been successful. [WWD]
• "Whoever your mom is, people won't give you hundreds of thousands of dollars," says Vladimir Restoin Roitfeld, who was given $50,000 to mount his first art exhibition last February, and whose latest show, of Nicolas Pol's work, drew Jean-Paul Gaultier, Andre Balazs, Daphne Guinness, and, oh yeah, his mother Carine Roitfeld, to its opening. Young Vlad's secret? "We work extremely hard." [Bloomberg]
• For I-D's 30th anniversary spring issue, Nick Knight will photograph 100 portraits of different fashion stars featured in its pages over the years — live, in front of an audience. His studio will be open to the public as an exhibition until December 20, and people will be able to watch shoots with, say, Kate Moss or Naomi Campbell, through a two-way mirror. Or live on the Internet, at Knight's showstudio.com. There's nothing that strikes us as less tedious than watching a month-long editorial fashion shoot, but someone might be into it. [WWD]
• The Telegraph gets to the bottom of the mysteriously straight and non-neurotic fashion designer Giles Deacon. How come he's so successful, anyway? "Don't know. My parents weren't into fashion. I didn't have an eccentric granny who mixed lace mantillas with tweed. I never believe people who say that, anyway. 'Oh, my granny had great style.' I just like doing it and I enjoy working hard. I go to work at 10am and I'm still there at 8.30pm. We get the wine out then, but anyone who is successful and tells you they don't work hard is lying." [Telegraph]
• Olivier Theyskens has a book on the way! Olivier Theyskens: The Other Side Of The Picture is due out from Assouline in February. He also might be involved in a new "retail concept," but neither he nor the company involved would comment. [WWD]
• It's official: Bravo will begin airing the Kelly Cutrone reality television series we've all been waiting for, Kell On Earth, next February. As long as Ms. Cutrone keeps dropping f-bombs on live morning television, an audience for this shit is practically guaranteed. [UPI]
• Peaches Geldof, Photoshopped within an inch of her life, is in a second campaign for the UK underwear brand Ultimo. The dividends of just happening upon that News Of The World photographer starkers continue to accrue. [Telegraph]
• North Korean jeans made by a trio of Swedes who describe making contact with the communist regime as "like Facebook poking a country"? Is this a joke? [FWD]
• Inez and Vinoodh shot the spring Lanvin men's wear ads this weekend in Paris, and rumor is they totally pulled a Juergen and put themselves in the shot. [WWD]

• Here are leaked pictures of Lindsay Lohan's spring campaign for 6126. The images were shot by reality-TV-star photographers Markus Klinko and Indrani. [Gone Hollywood]

• That was quick: Steve Madden has finalized a deal with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to manufacture shoes and accessories for the pair's new Olsenboye JC Penney's brand. [Crains]
• Francesca Versace, the niece of Donatella and daughter of Santo, was rejected the first time she applied to Central St. Martins. "I went to the London College of Fashion and did business and pattern cutting, which I hated, but reapplied for Saint Martins and finally got in. The first year, I was crying all the time. All the teachers gave me such a hard time." The designer says that, eventually, she started to fit in. "I did three years and I loved it. I had so much fun by the end." Now she lives in London and is best friends with Silvio Berlusconi's daughter. [Times UK]
• The December cover of Harper's Bazaar is rumored to feature Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. [WWD]
• Sometimes the Daily Mail online headline writers are evil geniuses. "Can Chanel Really Gild This Lily Or Are They Allen A Laugh?" would be one of those times. [Daily Mail]
• Project Runway alum Jeffrey Sebelia is taking his poor-man's-Santino aesthetic to his latest position, as creative director of the casual wear label Fluxus. [WWD]
• The M.A.C.-sponsored fashion shows at Milk Studios will continue at least for the next two years, says Estee Lauder Group president John Demsey. [The Cut]
• Scott Schuman's project for Burberry involved him shooting 100 trench coats, reveals Garance Doré. Included in the post is one of the pictures, of Doré wearing a short navy trench with a Yankees cap. [Garance Doré]
• The Gucci family biopic that Ridley Scott is making has Gucci family members upset. The story he's dramatizing — the intrafamily struggle for control that cost the life of eventual winner Maurizio Gucci, who was killed on his wife's orders just after hiring young designer Tom Ford — does not, they feel, redound to their benefit. "Enough mud," says Patrizia Gucci, Maurizio's cousin. "We have been through horrible things and paid plenty in person. I will write a book about the Guccis to say who they really are. And I will give Scott a copy, in hopes that his movie will never be released." Angelina Jolie is purportedly in talks to play Maurizio's wife. [Variety]
• And with the opening of Mongolia's first Louis Vuitton store, late last month, comes the inevitable trend story about how Ulaan Bator is, like, so hot right now (move over, Paris!). Actually, the warmest praise the capital garners from Louis Vuitton C.E.O. Yves Carcelle is that it is equivalent to "a good-sized provincial town in China." [News.com.au]
• Prada had just nailed down an agreement with its garment workers' union to furlough 250 out of 3,000 workers at its factory for four to six weeks when it announced that the rotating suspensions will only last three weeks. Spring orders outstripped the company's expectations by 10%. [Reuters]
• Gabriel Aubry, the male model who fathered Halle Berry's child, will be the spring face of Louis Vuitton men's wear. [Sassybella]
• Marc Jacobs might do a reality show. "I have very specific ideas about a show and how I'd want it to go, and I'd want it to be really different than the other ones," says the designer. But, "I don't think it's going to happen. I don't think so, unless we came up with the right thing, the right way." He hasn't been in touch with Bravo, who a few weeks back said it was "desperate" to have Jacobs in a show. We'd recommend re-watching Loïc Prigent's Louis Vuitton doc if you're feeling anxious. [The Cut]
• Alexander "I make $390 Italian yarn bike shorts" Wang, on his successful Barneys trunk show last week: "When I got to Barneys, I was welcomed with the news that our Rocco bag had a waiting list of 400-plus. By day's end, their entire Spring 2010 handbag order sold out with pre-buys — and that's before it will even hit the floor. Yikes! Good news, but now we're going to have to figure out how to produce more bags so our section won't be empty come January." A 400-plus person waiting list? Are the bags made of gold? Is it magically charmed so that whatever you wish for, you reach in and, pouf, there it is? Does it buy you drinks after a long day? Because we're struggling to understand what it is that's attractive about a black leather bag with studs on the bottom that costs nearly a grand. [Style.com]

• Rumors are flying that Lindsay Lohan is donating her time (except for any free clothes she snags) as Emanuel Ungaro's new "artistic director." This gossip item, however, doesn't spell "Emanuel Ungaro" correctly, so its veracity may be questionable. [Fox 411]

• Ungaro C.E.O. Mounir Moufarrige says Lohan's pay is "quite enough. It's expensive." Before hiring her, he told the press he asked her how much time she intended to spend in jail this year; her unpredictability, he says, "has been factored in" to her compensation. [ToL]
• The New York Times' Horacio Silva says he just had a talk with Renzo Rosso, who is "thisclose to naming a new designer at Martin Margiela." Margiela's departure from his namesake house was only confirmed recently, after months of speculation. In a follow-up tweet, Silva says Rosso maintains Margiela will still be involved in the house. Haider Ackermann and Raf Simons have been mentioned as possible contenders for Margiela's old job. [Twitter]
• What if a luxury label opened a store, and nobody bothered to turn up? [Shophound]
• Diane Von Furstenberg tweets from Madrid: "I just got robbed in the street in front of the Thyssen museum... My wallet, cash and all my credit cards!!" [Twitter]
• Two Bravo executives described the network as "desperate" to get a reality TV deal with Marc Jacobs. Their pitch? A no-strings-attached everyday doc. "Just live his life, his amazing life, and let us shoot it," said Andy Cohen. "I mean, just go. Just go! Open your eyes, let us put the tape in the camera, and let us go." [The Cut]
• Mo Rocca on the future of fashion? Hell. Yes. [CBS]
• Number of times Time mentions Crystal Renn was a "size-0 model": 3. Number of times Time mentions she had anorexia: 0. [Time]
• Karl Lagerfeld: "My father…was not stingy but he hated unnecessary expense but clothes he saw as the exception — he was of a different generation — if you were well dressed, half of the job was done. So I was told, be well dressed and doors will open." [i-D via Fashionista]
• Can you imagine David Spade, Anthony Kiedis, Fred Durst, and Ron Burkle hanging out at a Zac Posen show? Us neither. L.A. is so weird. [Style.com]
• Oscar de la Renta was presented with an award by Grace Coddington and Hamish Bowles. [Yahoo]
• At the same event, Barneys creative director/author Simon Doonan said, "For years, all my writer friends would say to me, what the fuck are you doing working in a store every day? And now they're saying to me, how can I get a job in a store?" This is because "There's nothing at the moment that is worse-compensated than freelance writing. NOTHING. You can get more money panhandling on the street. It's shocking." We'd agree but we're now too depressed to move. Simon Doonan works for a C.E.O.-less department store with stock about eighteen zillion levels below investment grade, a department store so consistently subject to rumors of bankruptcy that its parent company periodically has to step in to remind everyone that it guarantees the (giant, growing, pile of) debt. And even he has it better than we do. [Daily Intel]
• Meanwhile, Doonan says he finds the recession "a colossal bore." [WWD]
• Martin Lingstrom, a brand strategist, spent three years hooking up over 2,000 people to sensors that monitored their physical and neurological responses to advertising and shopping. He says that, while deciding to buy something, our brains release dopamine. However, then there's the guilt: "It's not very strong at the beginning but increases when you swipe your credit card through the credit-card reader." That feeling is physiological. Instead of reaching the obvious conclusion from his data — shopping is against nature, a pattern of unhealthy addiction and guilt-ridden behaviors, and everyone in fashion is totally fucked — Martin Lingstrom apparently still works as a brand strategist. [WSJ]
• The Wall Street Journal tried out Christian Louboutin and Piper Heidsieck's Le Rituel, the $5,000 glass slipper intended to serve as a champagne flute. The verdict? "It takes some finesse, balance, and you can't fill it very high with bubbly...It has its charm, but drinkers of champagne mat opt to keep their flutes handy." Imagine that. [WSJ]
• Alexander Wang says he staged his first fashion show when he was 15, at his brother's wedding. "It was like 35 looks or something. We hired hair and make-up and everything." [Independent]
• Heidi Klum is launching a fashion line. The footwear collection, all 48 styles, will be available starting next fall; to follow will be swimsuits and casual wear. [WWD]
• Claudia Schiffer, on the supermodels comeback: "One of the logical reasons would be that we sort of went away at the same time and most of us had kids at the same time and then we sort of came back. We've also worked for such a long time, we are reliable and professional and you know what you'll get." [Independent]
• Schiffer, who was once unceremoniously dropped by Karl Lagerfeld, during the grunge days, has been spotted with the designer around Buenos Aires. They, along with Baptiste Giabiconi and Freja Beha Erichsen, are shooting the next Chanel campaign. Local media reports that they ate "rich barbecue" for lunch one day. [Fashionologie]
• Vivienne Westwood made a series of gowns for Leona Lewis. In exchange, the pop star will wear the dramatic metallic corseted creations in all the promotional materials for her new album and single. [Telegraph]
• Odds Costume Rental, which supplied costumes for 22 years to productions like Law & Order and Road to Perdition, has filed for bankruptcy. Rising rent is one culprit — the business was hit with a $5,000/month increase last year — and the willingness of designers to give their clothes away to film and television shows is another. [Crains]
• Salvatore Ferragamo is entering the online retail market. [WWD]

[Los Angeles, October 4. Image via INFDaily.]

In an interview with USA Today, Heidi Klum confirms McNamara's point: "Lifetime bought a show that they loved. They didn't buy a show to change it; they bought it to bring the show to their audience," she says. "I was kind of into changing a few things: the colors a little bit, changing the set a little bit or maybe making the runway a little bit different. But they liked it as it was."

But Gina Bellafante from the New York Times isn't so sure that Lifetime is the right fit for Runway. She writes:

What's jarring is the marriage between the series and its new home. "Project Runway" is Barneys; Lifetime is Kohl's. The cable outfit that broadcasts "Army Wives" and "Reba" reruns maintains an ethos that says, "Viewer, I see your cellulite; I'm down with your fibromyalgia; I know your menopausal misery." Strikingly, however, while "Project Runway" has been decidedly non-ageist in the past, drawing from designers at different stages in their careers, the current season is loaded with the unwrinkled: 9 of the 16 competitors are under 30, possibly a function of the fact that the casting is now conducted by Bunim/Murray, producers of "The Real World."

Still, the basic formula is still there, argues Mary McNamara: You're watching people with talent make wonderful clothes.

As ever, it seems impossible that anything even remotely resembling a dress will emerge from the miasma of quirkiness and terror swirling about in the work room, but emerge they do, in varying degrees of beauty and inspiration.

And therein lies the success and value of "Project Runway." Not with the personalities, not even with the competition. It's the miraculous simplicity of creating something from nothing that makes "Runway" endlessly watchable.

And, as the Washington Post's Robin Givhan puts it: "Despite the palm trees, balmy breezes and California informality, Tim Gunn is still there — in a dignified suit and tie — to dish out tough love amid their emotional meltdowns." Which, really, is a key component of why we watch.

Klum: Few Alterations Needed To Make 'Runway' Fit [USA Today]
'Project Runway,' 'Rachel Zoe' Return [LA Times]
Designers, Start Your Engines for Season 6 [NY Times]
Westward, Sew! Thankfully, Gunn's Style Travels Well [WaPo]

• Change! Stately old American Vogue is apparently seeking to revamp itself. Says Wayne Sterling, the mag wants "a new circle of models, an influx of fresh, young photographers and a desire for 'unpredictability' in the stories." Unpredictability. In Vogue. [TI]

• Marc Jacobs has added two pro-marriage equality t-shirts to his Marc by Marc line. One shows a line drawing of a lesbian couple with a child, and the other shows an American flag and a dollar sign; both have the tag line "I pay my taxes, I want my rights." The tees cost $24 and are available now. Jacobs is of course looking forward to his own gay marriage, in Massachusetts, later this summer. [PerezHilton]
• Jacobs, along with Patti Smith and David Rockwell, has been named one of the Pratt Institute's Legends of 2009. [WWD]
• Madonna wears diamond dust on her eyes. For that extra sparkly something. [People]
• Patrick Demarchelier shot Gossip Girl's Taylor Momsen in Central Park for the September cover of Teen Vogue. [TFS]
• The Kaiser's Chanel accessories ads featuring Lily Allen, who recently launched her own jewelry line, are also out. She wears a tiara in one; in another, she looks like she's hiding behind a carry-all. [FWD]
• Amanda Hearst, the model/heiress, is rumored to have been offered a job sinecure at Hearst-owned Marie Claire. [P6]
• More details are emerging about the only bid for the house of Lacroix that the bankrupt company's administrator has yet deemed "serious": Italian department store company Borletti had bid jointly with Christian Lacroix himself. Borletti bought the Printemps department store chain from Pinault-Printemps-Redoute in 2006, and owns the Italian department store La Rinescente jointly with Deutsche Bank. French turnaround firm Bernard Krief Consulting made a bid that the administrator described as "insufficient" for the fashion house, and which it has promised to revise upwards. No dollar values for these bids has been revealed. [Reuters]
• Maybe one way Christian Lacroix could make a little cash would be licensing his name to an unaffiliated uniforms division, since that's exactly what Nicolas Ghesquière of Balenciaga did. Air Tahiti Nui sent out a very happy press release yesterday announcing the introduction of its brand-spanking-new Balenciaga uniforms — but further investigation has revealed that the gear was made under license by a uniform company using the Balenciaga name. Our visions of flying with space-age Ghesquière creations were crushed. [The Moment]
• The rumors were true: Coach is launching — and fully funding — a signature line for its creative director, Reed Krakoff. The designer's eponymous accessories collection will launch for Fall '10. [WWD]
• This is despite the fact that Coach suffered a 32% decline in quarterly profits for the period ended June 27. Net income fell from $213.5 million last year to $145.8 million. [WWD]
• Rachel Roy and Estelle are working together on a jewelry line. Roy announced this via Twitter. [WWD]
• Zappos earned $10.7 million from total sales of $635 million worth of sales last year, according to new owner Amazon's SEC filing. [TBI]
• New York City charity HousingWorks, which sells used clothing and furniture and donates its profits to fund AIDS and homelessness, has been doing great business in the recession — understandable, considering so many of their offerings are designer. Susan Sarandon, Bill Clinton, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Chloé Sevigny, as well as, one presumes, a whole slew of regular well-dressed folk, all recently donated clothes and goods. [NYObs]
• Bravo, still reeling from the loss of Project Runway, is launching another fashion-themed reality show: Launch My Line. The concept pairs new designers with established industry lights in order to develop the youngsters' businesses — the best mentee gets his or her line launched, and the best mentor gets $50,000. It all unfolds under the watchful eye of hosts Dean and Dan Caten, of DSquared2, and judges Stefani Greenfield, formerly of retail chain Scoop, and Lisa Kline. [FabSugar]
• Profits at the multinational luxury company LVMH, which owns everything from Louis Vuitton to Dior to Sephora, dropped 23% in the first six months of this year, to 687 million euros, or $934.3 million, from 891 million euros, or $1.39 billion, a year earlier. Sales during the same period rose 0.2% on a year earlier. The top performing brands was Sephora, and Louis Vuitton handbag sales remained strong. [WWD]
• Maybe, just maybe, one reason profits are down is the fact that Louis Vuitton is trying to sell a $450 USB key? Hermès, in any case, is jumping on the lux-tech bandwagon with a bluetooth device "made of super lightweight carbon fiber, aluminum and supple leather ... [with a] custom-built silicon earring." [Racked]
• Men's control underwear is still being talked about as if it's a new idea. It isn't. [Telegraph]

• Is Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox's friendship in trouble? A source says:

"It seems like Courteney and Jen's close friendship has chilled in recent months, and it comes down to their lifestyles not gelling anymore. Jen is almost a workaholic who spends her free time dating and hunting for Mr. Right, while Courteney is happily married and busy juggling work and motherhood." [MSNBC Scoop via National Enquirer]

• Oh, God. Real Housewives' Bethenny Frankel has landed her own show, Skinny & The City. Viewers will get to see her planning her wedding to fiancé Jason Hoppy, and, presumably, learn all about her "naturally thin" recipes. [Page Six]
• LAPD were called to Mischa Barton's home in West Hollywood at 3pm yesterday to assist with a "medical issue." She was escorted from her apartment to an unknown location. Mystery abounds. [Daily Mail]
• Oh wait: Mystery solved. Mischa Barton was taken to the hospital due to complications from oral surgery. Apparently she was in too much pain to drive and asked to be take by police, hoping the paparazzi would leave her alone. She'd previously had impacted teeth that had to be removed from her jaw bones. [ONTD via RPulse]
• Mariah Carey will shill sing her new single, "Obsessed," on America's Got Talent. [UPI]
• Amy Winehouse was granted a "quickie" divorce from Blake Fielder-Civil today, on the grounds of her adultery. [Mirror, AP, Mirror]
• How is Jessica Simpson since boyfriend Tony Romo broke up with her a day before her birthday? A source says she "was really blindsided" and is "sad, mad, and confused." [People]
• Lauren Conrad wore a brunette wig for a Harper's Bazaar photo shoot and "day-long experiment." She says: "I went into a wig store and tried on a brown wig, and they all laughed at me. All these women [who worked there] were like, 'You look like Hannah Montana.' Day to day, I can only do blonde. Everything else makes me look sort of plain-Jane." [People]
• By the by, Lauren Conrad is on the cover of Shape looking a wee Photoshoppy. [Perez]
• Paris Hilton has a new driver's license photo — after posing at the DMV five times. [TMZ]
• Kim Kardashian was detained at customs in Johannesburg, South Africa, when she couldn't find her passport. She claimed that she'd left it on the plane, but officials wouldn't let her look for it. Boyfriend Reggie Bush talked someone into letting him back on the plane, where he found the passport, and all is well. Kim Reggie and Khloe had been in Botswana visiting a diamond mine in league with the Russell Simmons Diamond Empowerment Fund, FYI. [E!]
• Someone broke into Orlando Bloom's home in L.A. and stole some "personal effects." Oh, no, not the Legolas wig! Anything but that. [People]
• Lovely photographs of Richard Gere and Carey Lowell's bed and breakfast in Bedford, New York. Gere says, "We're pretty open to just letting it flow and go where it wants to." [W]
• LL Cool J had one of those travel days from hell: First his flight from L.A. to St. Louis had to make an emergency landing in Kansas City, after passengers smelled smoke. Then, once the plane landed, one of the passengers was so sick everyone had to be quarantined for 3 hours. LL ended up ordering a car service. [TMZ]
• Q: What do you think has been Harry's greatest misstep or failure in judgment? - Susan Bevins, Winter Park, Fla. A: "Susan Bevins, you have asked a question no journalist has ever asked me. I think the way he treated his friends a couple of films ago was quite questionable. They're always there for him, and he was a little bit ungrateful. I think Harry is a flawed character. He can be quite selfish and really manipulative. He's not all sweetness and light." — From "10 Questions For Daniel Radcliffe." [Time]
• Check out the cover art of Whitney's Houston's new album: She looks regal, and not at all like someone who would say "crack is cheap." [NY Daily News]
• The good news is: Michael Jackson record sales continue to soar. [NY Times]
• The bad news is: A veteran prosecutor resigned from the L.A. district attorney's office after her supervisors found out that she talked about the Michael Jackson case on Larry King Live. [LA Times]
• Meanwhile, the DEA has contacted the manufacturer of Propofol, which is thought to be the cause of Michael Jackson's death. They're going through records and vial numbers to match the drug with doctors who have a connection to MJ. [TMZ]
• "Michael Jackson's death has the FDA considering labeling Propofol a 'controlled substance.'" [NY Daily News]
• Dr. Conrad Murray's lawyer would not confirm or deny whether his client administered Propofol to Michael Jackson the day he died. [TMZ]
• Rumors that Janet Jackson wants Michael Jackson's kids persist. "Janet is not only willing to raise those children, she is also the only relative who knows how to protect them," says a source. [MSNBC Scoop via Ok!]
• A guitarist who worked with Michael Jackson hours before his death says: "It still hasn't sunk in that he has actually passed, we're still in shock. What you see on the footage is what he was like to us. That was what was so shocking for all of us. We saw him dancing and singing and interacting and joking, having a great time, so excited. He wasn't sitting in a chair coughing and looking sickly. To be with him on the night before (he died) was hard." [Mirror]
• Michael Jackson was in negotiations to purchase an assortment of celebrity nude photographs before he died — people like Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield and Bonnie Parker, of Bonnie-and-Clyde fame. [Yahoo via E!]
• Joe Jackson's business partner in his new record label served 366 days in federal prison in 2001 — for conspiracy to commit extortion. Bad news. [TMZ]
• Tito Jackson says Michael Jackson is the biological father of all of his kids: "They are all his children. Blanket is Michael's, I can tell. Those eyes don't lie. Them eyes are Michael over again. I see a lot of Michael in him." Um, okay. [Mirror]
• Kylie Minogue got separated from her boyfriend in a bar on Tuesday night, so, when she found him, he slapped him in the face with a fan. [Page Six]
• "Steven Spielberg is on the verge of completing an $825m financing for his new film venture, nine months after he began looking for capital in the worst funding market in Hollywood's recent history." [Financial Times]
• Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher lived out a 007 fantasy by vacationing at the Ocean Club resort in Barbados, where Casino Royale was shot. Ashton requested to be picked up from the airport in a silver Aston Martin! [Daily Express]
• Want Bob Dylan/Jimmy Carter gossip? Click the link. [Page Six]
• Rapper Common is being sued for sampling someone else's song, even though he doesn't deny that he sampled the work and credits the sample on the track listing. [ONTD via Hip Hop DX]
• Griffin O'Neal claims his estranged father Ryan O'Neal had an affair with Alana Stewart as Farrah Fawcett was dying. [Daily Express]
• Cheryl Tiegs and significant other Dan Buettner: Broken up. [Star-Tribune]
• Brittny Gastineau says that in her scene in Brüno — in which she says "abort the baby," she was joking around. "I was spoofing myself. When I got there, I saw him, and I obviously knew it was him. I was like, 'Oh, this is funny. This is a joke.' I just went along with it." [Us Magazine]
• A theater in Ireland has left a recorded message about Brüno on its ticket hotline, which says: "Bruno is particularly vile. It leads to a hell of a lot of complaints. It will offend every prejudice in the book, believe me, so don't come on after and tell us how horrible it was. One or two have enjoyed it, though." A spokesman for the theater says, "We often leave jokey messages." [Telegraph]
• Whatshisname thinks Whatshername has sold out by doing a tell-all interview. [Daily Mail]
• Whatshisname says living in the public eye can be a mistake. [Daily Mail]
• Blind item! "Which now-married (but then-engaged) starlet hooked up with her geeky dreamboat of a co-star on the set of their film? Wisely, they frolicked in a soundproof room." [Gatecrasher]
• "It's a funny thing because what I've found is some of the wealthiest, most powerful people in the country are watching this show. I think it's because there is an underlying smartness that a lot of people don't get that relates to how most successful people rose to the top. You need that group around you; you need a couple of breaks and good fortune. That's what we try to tap into. To have Obama say he watches and gets it — well, he's got that same crowd around him, and it was an amazing thing to hear. Hopefully, it'll keep us on — at least through next year." — Doug Ellin, creator of Entourage. [Reuters]
• "It's almost career suicide to take a break and just not release music like I did. But to have people still care, I just don't know what to say and how to explain it. I'm just so happy because it validates the music I did in my 20s." — Maxwell, who had huge first-week album sales for chart-topping release Blacksummer's night and whose single, "Pretty Wings," is also number one. [USA Today]
• "I was homely [as a teenager], painfully small, short, with too much blue eye shadow because I thought, it matches my eyes, so why not? Trying desperately to fit in." — Amy Adams. [NY Daily News via Allure]
• "I want to do great movies that are number one at the box office and also independent movies that are dark and miserable. I see myself with a career like Cameron Diaz — she does What Happens in Vegas and then My Sister's Keeper, so I want to do it all!" — Kristin Cavallari, who when asked if she wants to go back to college someday, says: "I'm really happy with what I'm doing. I read a lot of books, you know. So, no. I have no urge to go back to college." [PopWrap]
• "It's wonderful. I grew up around gay people my entire life, basically, that's possibly why I'm quite camp, and some people think I'm gay when I meet them, which I think is awesome. It's always good to keep them guessing. I don't go on any blogs or chats or anything, but my friends are demons for them, and apparently someone said 'Daniel Radcliffe is gay. He's got a gay face!' I really don't know what a gay face is." — Daniel Radcliffe loves people thinking that he is gay. [Telegraph]
• "I'll say American for now. I really have no preference, though. Nationality is nothing. It's all about the girl - but she has to be curvy!" — Daniel Radcliffe, when asked if he likes American or Brit ladies best. [Gatecrasher]
• "Everyone lies online. In fact, readers expect you to lie. If you don't, they'll think you make less than you actually do." — Brad Pitt, on online dating. [Mirror via Wired]
• "My dream role would be to play musical legend Carol Channing in a biopic of her life. I love her, I really do. she's amazing. With all the digital technology available these days, I could probably pull it off!" — Johnny Depp. [Gatecrasher]

Bravo describes Miami Social as a show about "the lives of a group of hot, young professionals – corporate types by day and party animals by night – as they navigate the sometimes murky waters of Miami's hottest locales." However, those who have seen it, say the show - which airs tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT - is populated by seven relentlessly shallow socialites who could have been culled from any city in the United States. The cast includes a divorced couple, George French and Sorah Daiha, who are still friends and live in the same apartment building. Two cast members are reality show alums: Katrina Campins, was on The Apprentice and Hardy Hill was on Big Brother. Homosexuals are well (or perhaps poorly) represented in the cast. Michael Cohen, who used to work at In Touch, is openly gay. Fashion producer Ariel Stein is alternately described as an openly gay or bisexual man. But, it seems his biggest claim to fame is either hating fat people or being vice president of the company that gave us The Wearable Towel. Rounding out the cast is Maria Lankina, a bisexual Russian photographer who ships her 13-year-old daughter off to a Swiss boarding school in an early episode. Below, we take a look at the reviews for Miami Social.

Variety

Taking vacuity to a new level, Bravo's Miami Social might provide a wake-up call to a network that risks running out of rich and fabulous people to profile. Lacking the connective tissue of the Real Housewives franchise, this new docusoap feels heavily directed and still manages to feature a loosely aligned group without a single redeeming quality among those in it, other than the cut of their jaw line or the size of their boobs. So what's Miami Social about? It's about an hour, and a long one at that.

The Boston Herald

Bravo even attempts to goose Miami Social with two veterans of other unscripted franchises: Hardy Hill is well-known to fans of CBS' Big Brother; Katrina Campins was a contestant on the first season of NBC's The Apprentice. Katrina's marriage disintegrates in the opener. That might mean something if Katrina didn't act like a cyborg. George and his fiery Russian girlfriend Lina fight a lot and make up a lot. George's ex-wife, Sorah, lives in the same apartment complex and finds herself drafted as a negotiator in their ongoing war. Maria steels herself to say goodbye to her daughter, heading for a private boarding school. Hardy's girlfriend wants a baby. The two gay men in the mix could set the gay rights movement back 20 years. Ariel, an ex-model turned fashion show producer, is pathological about people he finds unattractive. Having drinks with friends, he interrupts to point out, "Oh, my God! I look so good in this reflection - and hot." Who, outside of an asylum, speaks that way? The various Housewives shows work because everyone has or knows somebody like at least one cast member in their own lives. But few have friends like these and even fewer would admit it. Beyond the relatability factor, there's another problem: These people are boring.

The Los Angeles Times

It is a comely enough group, and the Miami Social cocktail-hour conversations seem less fake than other show-enforced cast get-togethers, with Cohen happily burbling Addison DeWitt-meets-Paul Lynde banter and Stein providing central-casting bitchy. Early episodes deal with couple problems — Katrina separates from her husband-business partner, Lina lies to George, Hardy's girlfriend Trixia wants a baby. But when the only real moment of tension comes during an argument over Kim Kardashian — Cohen depicts her harshly, while Stein, self-proclaimed Kardashian pal, defends her — one does begin to worry. The presence of Cohen alone [who used to work at In Touch] seems to indicate that our celebrity feeding frenzy has overfished its waters and led to cannibalism. So if you find yourself longing for an all-night marathon of Friends or even Days of Our Lives, you will not be alone.

The New York Daily News

The early candidate for the most obnoxious member of this crowd is Ariel, who organizes fashion events. He distinguishes himself tonight by arriving at a restaurant after the rest of his party, checking out his table across the room, and getting on his cell phone to tell the owner he wants "the fat girl" removed before he will sit down. And so it goes. And like so many "reality" shows that have little to sell beyond neuroses and obnoxious, self-centered behavior, Miami Social in the end feels tedious and a little sad.

The New York Times

Ariel thinks of himself as a person of considerable importance: he produces fashion shows in Miami-Dade County. But as long as Miami isn't New York or Paris or Milan, saying you are the biggest fashion producer there is like saying you are the biggest auto maker in Tuscaloosa. Ariel claims to be attracted to both men and women, but mostly he is attracted to himself. "Oh my God, I look so good in this reflection," he remarks, "and hot." ... Fat people in particular gross him out, and you get the sense that if he could institute zoning laws to prevent them from entering South Beach, he would be moved to civic purpose. "What if you were born an ugly girl?" he asks rhetorically. "I mean, you can be an ugly guy, but an ugly girl? That's so depressing, every day waking up and knowing that you're ugly."

Hollywood Reporter

Housewives who have to be labeled "real" was just the warm-up; Bravo has now stepped fully into the Twilight Zone with its new reality series that focuses on the lives of alien beings, filmed in their natural habitat! Sure, it's called Miami Social, but don't be fooled — these are not people from our planet. Friends even before the cameras showed up, they are all things to all viewers: gay, straight, bisexual; married, dating, divorced; friends, bitchy, air-kissing. Their "jobs" deal with parties, photography, selling rich peoples' homes and celebrity gossip (the Kim Kardashian "reality whore" debate is awe-inspiring). They hint at a distant "bad economy" but clearly have no experience with it — living on another planet as they do — and spend hours sipping champagne on the beach and taking the day for mani-pedis. Real humans would drown in water this shallow.

Salon

Since we all secretly feel that we should be far richer and far more attractive than we actually are, any show about hot rich people is bound to enrage us. Why must we toil away at our lackluster jobs, when we could be teetering around town in bad shoes, letting smarmy macho men sip icy cold tequila out of our spray-tanned bellybuttons? Next, our envy sours to self-righteousness: What has our culture come to, that such vulgar indulgences are paraded in front of our faces every few seconds?

Although it's easy to mistake Miami Social for part of the problem, the show actually performs an important service to the public by revealing just how unspeakably dull the life of the club-hopping socialite actually is. Sure, stretching ugly tops over your enormous fake tits and spending way too much money at awful, overpriced night spots might sound like living the dream, but get to know these overly bronzed, gel-haired, empty-eyed souls a little better, and you'll no longer spend your afternoons at work (the way we all do) daydreaming about fishing your bra out of a South Beach trash can at 4 in the morning. Despite its strenuous attempts to glamorize the lives of these young, wealthy, ultra-beautiful denizens of Miami's hottest circles, Miami Social reveals them to be horribly mundane.

The Miami Herald

Before we go any further, let's be clear about something: I'm not saying Miami Social is so bad it's good. I'm saying it's so bad it will make you regret being born with eyes. I'm saying it's so bad that if you saw a member of the cast burst into flame on the street, you wouldn't waste your spit putting him or her out. I'm saying Osama bin Laden, if he sees it, will weep bitter tears of frustration that he went after the wrong American city.

As Julie Bosman writes for the New York Times, the teens on the show talk freely about money, status and dating:

All of which contradicted an unspoken rule at many private schools: to be showy or prideful is not only culturally inappropriate, but also in supremely bad taste. To be showy or prideful on reality television appears to be even worse. As a measure of how strongly private schools discourage students and families from drawing attention to themselves, none of the more than a dozen parents contacted for this article would consent to be identified. Several said they feared the wrath of administrators.

But none of that matters, as long as you're making good TV, right? As New York magazine's Vanessa Grigoriadis points out, though NYC Prep is supposed to be a real life Gossip Girl, it's actually The Real Kids of New York City, modeled after the Real Housewives franchise. Writes Grigoriadis: "The Housewives series, of course, is a freak show."

It's clear that producers of NYC Prep cast breakout star PC because of his personality and ability to effortlessly utter sound-bites (Examples: "Money flows like the wind." "It's who you know and how much money you have." "People want to strive to act like an asshole.") Which isn't to say he's not rich: His grandfather is a self-made billionaire; his family may be, Grigoriadis claims, "the richest to ever be featured on reality TV." But newsflash: Not all rich kids talk like PC. If you're watching this show to find out what private school students in New York are really like, you're not getting the full picture (much like Real Housewives doesn't show "real" "housewives.") This is according to parents:

"These producers completely manipulated these kids, feeding them lines and telling them to insult each other," says one. "This is going to hurt these kids emotionally, because they are saying that they are something they are not. It's a terrible lie."

Since I grew up in New York and attended a couple of private schools — albeit briefly — I definitely agree that the truly rich and truly "elite" are not the spotlight-seekers. Usually the wannabes were flashy and bragged about cash and status. But most reality show audiences don't expect to see "reality," anyway. One thing is for sure: The show has brought out New York City's finest snobbery. Victoria Goldman, the author of The Manhattan Guide to Private Schools and Selective Public Schools tells the Times: "The schools on this show are all at the bottom. There would never be a Brearley girl* on this show."

The NYC Reality Freak Show [NY Mag]
Who's Afraid of ‘NYC Prep'? [NY Times]

*Brearley is an Upper East Side all-girls school that Caroline Kennedy attended.

Even worse, a few summers ago, when I discovered Booksfree, I was able to quietly indulge my obsession with comparing and contrasting books like never before. As such, I've read books aimed at men and books aimed at women, and while most books aimed at men seek to boost male self-esteem, books aim at women tend to tear it down. I began to wonder - is there a life hack for dating? Is there one common equation that would stand up across all dating books which would led to true love? While I did find a formula, it wasn't about dating - it was how to sell dating books using gender stereotypes: generally speaking, most of them convey three things:



You Don't Have a Man Because You're Fat and Ugly

The terms fat and ugly seem to be used as synonyms in these books, reinforcing the idea that big cannot be beautiful. With the exception of He's Just Not That Into You (which should have been subtitled: We're Going to Repeat This Until You're Hypnotized), most of these books begin by informing us that we aren't good enough as we are. But don't worry! They have a cure.

Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider of the All the Rules are the first up to bat. They let you know from the jump that before you find a man, you need to work on you. While the idea of self-improvement sounds good in theory, it becomes clear that they really mean they want us to get a makeover. Asking questions like "Men like women who wear fashionable, sexy clothes in bright colors. Why not please them?" presents the theme for many a guide - men like shiny and pretty. So if we can't catch a man, it's because we aren't fashionable/sexy/cute enough. Other ways to make sure you look your best? They recommend wearing lipstick while jogging.

Patti Stanger of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker gets in on the action in her book Becoming Your Own Matchmaker: Eight Steps to Attracting Your Perfect Mate. She takes the cease and desist fatness edict farther, running with:

"Jenna is a perfect example of a woman mired in bitterness. She's about twenty pounds overweight and refuses to change her eating habits. "Most men are pigs, because they only focus on the physical. I'm looking for an enlightened guy who will love me for me and doesn't care about what kind of shape I'm in. Until I find him, the rest can go to hell," she says. Guess what? She's never going to find him. He doesn't exist. And even if he did, he would be thrown off by her me-against-the-world attitude."

Stanger continues:

"With men, it's all about the packaging – one look is all it takes for them to decide if you're a keeper or if you should be tossed back. This might be crude, but they're measuring your "fuckability factor." […] No matter how beautiful you are on the inside, if the outside doesn't reflect it, you're going to spend the rest of your days alone." (p. 51)

Men are shallow fuckers. Deal with it ladies! The right answer here is NOT to find a guy that loves you for who you are, but to raise your "fuckability factor" to attract the ones who will dump you if you gain five pounds. Nice!

However, unlike the women of the Rules, Stanger suggests there is hope for us poor fatties (which, in dating guide parlance means anyone with any visible fat whatsoever):

"I'd suggest moving to another city where the numbers are still in your favor, and where they're more forgiving of physical imperfection.. A woman who is fifteen pounds overweight can throw on the sweats, put on some blush, and she'll be considered ravishing in Chicago. She'll have a date every night in Minneapolis or Seattle, but she'll sit home alone for months in LA."

Fat girls, flee to other locales, where the men are less picky. I'm surprised they didn't bring up Alaska as a sure thing. She also spends a few moments on the virtures of shapewear, implying that if you can't make it, fake it. Ladies, this is a war, and Spanx is our camo. Use it until those lipglossed jogging sessions pay off.

You Don't Have a Man Because You Want a Career

Many books also admonish us for daring to go to work - we have the nerve to be confident and accomplished, and men are not going for that, not one little bit. Did we really think men would like a woman who can pay for her own things? Pssh...ournaïveté is showing . Rachel Greenwald, author of Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date sums up the issue in one line:

"I call these Boss Ladies part of 'The Cinderella Generation': they broke the glass ceiling but broke their glass slipper along with it."

Damn. That will teach us to wear glass shoes instead of splurging on the Jimmy Choos, like any good chick-lit novel will instruct. Greenwald continues:

"As women have risen up the corporate ladder, they have adopted many traditionally male characteristics to succeed [...]One man told me that most women he meets today would rather he 'admire their accomplishments rather than their butts.' Welcome to Dating 101. If you'd take the professional respect over lust, you might have just lost that second date."

The men she highlights have such ridiculous preferences it almost appears to be comedy:

"Owen, a thirty-two-year-old management consultant from Charlotte, NC, recalled asking a woman for her number and she handed him a business card. He assumed it meant she wasn't interested in anything personal, so he later tossed the card in his desk drawer and didn't ask her out. Though he did say one day he might call to use her services (she's a Realtor). He said it seemed "more feminine" when a woman wrote her number on a napkin or a piece of scrap paper in "girly handwriting" and even cuter when she reached for his cell phone and typed it in. That's when he knew the connection was personal, not professional."

A business card isn't good enough anymore – we need to take it back to middle school and hit 'em with our best cursive.

Greenwald concludes the chapter with this gem:

"Andy, a thirty-six-year-old stockbroker from Dallas, TX, told me about one woman he dated: "She was a career woman, but I'm looking for a woman who just happens to have a career."

Interestingly enough, all the books I read aimed at men never asked them to choose between a woman and a thriving career. It was assumed they would have both.

You Don't Have a Man Because You Look/Act Like a Man

Another truism peddled by these books is that the men you want are looking for a certain type of woman, someone that you become after learning to suppress your other instincts. Greenwald divides her book into (stereo)types of women that men can't stand, and number one on the list is "The Boss Lady:"

"The term "boss" here reflects men's attitudes that certain women seem argumentative, competitive, controlling, not feminine, too independent, not nurturing, or some combination of the above. In other words, some women give off a masculine vibe."

The too independent part is a bit galling, but makes sense. According to most of these guys, women who appear to together and too competent (not bitchy, though most of these guides deal with that topic as well) activate some kind of ball-shrinking reaction in the average man. With this being the case, the way to mitigate men's insecurity is to act as stereotypically feminine as possible. Greenwald notes:

"Perhaps, not surprisingly, most men are still old-fashioned in feeling a positive initial response to feminine clothing. I'm not suggesting that women wear a hoop skirt and carry a parasol, but the reality is that we're dealing with quick, instinctual reactions – think cavemen!"

There's no provision for women who don't want to date a caveman. Trust me, I checked. However, there is advice on how to win this caveman:

"Pull a June Cleaver" - "Play the part with flair: wear a cute apron, select a girly cocktail to serve (think Cosmopolitan versus whiskey on the rocks), maybe bake a pie. If you don't know how to do any of this (like me), enlist a friend to help you (your date doesn't have to see your accomplice in this caper)."

So what happens when he realizes you don't/can't/won't cook and you haven't used that apron since the second date? Isn't that what people complain about in relationships, that their partner behaves differently from when they met?

The Rules is a bit more direct with what we need to do to make a man happy:

"When you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much."

Shh....women are to be seen and not heard.

Patti Stanger provides this jewel of advice for us future little women:

She who touches money gives off masculine energy, so you can't physically touch cash before his eyes or whip out the plastic to pay the check.

Avoiding anything with a whiff of masculinity appears to be part of the game, and nothing marks us as masculine more than hair. Hair seemed to be of particular interest, because it is apparently a FACT (in caps) that women are not cute with short hair. To hear them tell it, no man in the history of humankind has ever found a woman with short hair attractive.

The Rules tuts:

"Don't aspire to the unisex look. Buy feminine looking clothes to wear on the weekends as well as the work week. Remember, you're dressing for men, not other women, so always strive to look feminine." [...] "Men prefer long hair […] The point is we're girls! We don't want to look like boys."

Because, ewww! Boys are icky and boys like girls. Patti Stanger is also abnormally concerned with our tresses:

"If you think you're going to get away with short hair, you're not. Men like long, flowing locks. They just do. […] Short pixie cuts are either considered mannish or over the hill."

Everyone needs a weave, stat! Someone get Tyra Banks on the phone!

No one seems to mention a contingency plan if you don't have long flowing hair. They seem to assume your hair grows a certain way – and that way does not apparently does not include a 'fro or short curls or anything that is not long flowing hair. I'm surprised no one quoted any caveman science to back up the long hair imperative.

So, as we've explained ladies, if you don't have a guy, it's one of the three reasons we listed above. Now, if a man doesn't have a woman? It's probably because he hasn't gamed her properly.

Next time - Dating Guides Are Hell: It's All About the Menz!

Not content with merely inflicting her tiny woman, huge dress fashion sense on all of us via her own reality show, red carpet bons mots, and the public appearances of her celebrity clients, such as Anne Hathaway, Kate Hudson, and Jennifer Garner, Hollywood's famous/notorious stylist set her itchy pulling fingers to shaping an ideal summer wardrobe for the stylish American woman. Maybe this is the kind of thing we can expect from her own — allegedly affordable — future clothing line. And gosh, what a lot of stuff there is!

1. Blazer and t-shirt: Phillip Lim, jeans: Bird by Juicy Couture.
The 3.1 Phillip Lim tuxedo jacket is from the unreleased Fall 2009 collection, so it's not priced yet. A very similar jacket by Lim from Spring 2009 retailed for $630. The Bird by Juicy Couture jeans, also not available in stores until fall, are $248.

2. Metallic jacket: Bally
This Bally leather jacket won't hit stores until this fall, but the brand's leather jackets usually run around 2,000 Euros.

3. Leather Leggings: Bird by Juicy Couture
Bird is Juicy Couture's new line, and it's being introduced this fall. Its price point will be higher than regular Juicy, but lower than Couture Couture, which the company was recently forced to close. Pricing information for all the pieces isn't yet available, but the collection as a whole tops out at $600. Given the expense of leather, we wager these pants are near the higher end of the scale, so let's estimate the leggings at $500.

4. Dress: Kate Moss for Topshop
This sequined baby costs $270.

5. Gold sequin skirt and coat: Phillip Lim
Phillip Lim sheepskin coat and sequined skirt are both Fall 2009, and haven't been priced yet. Zoe is pushing Lim so hard she's not only promoting sheepskin as a summer staple — she's wearing it herself in EW's photo shoot. Zoe's clients also regularly wear 3.1 Phillip Lim. For example, Kate Hudson, pictured.

6. Black sequin tunic: Gucci
This is another piece from Fall 2009 — the Gucci collection that earned comparisons to Bebe. The fact that she of the prominent clavicle would recommend so much fall clothing for a summer must-have list betrays a touching innocence of the realities of fashion-loving non-celebrity women, for whom shopping options are limited to what's actually in stores. (No phonecall to a designer friend's showroom to pull a special piece for us.) Which begs the question, why have someone of Zoe's limited perspective even bother with a "must-have" list for a mass audience?

7. Wrap dress: Kate Moss for Topshop, $250
Oh, right: so she can plug her friend Kate Moss's overpriced Topshop line, which in this array starts to look almost affordable.

8. Silk tunic: Matthew Williamson for H&M
The multi-colored chiffon tunic Zoe chose to highlight is, like the rest of Williamson's collection for the chain, sold out. But you might find one on eBay for around $100.

9. Gold peep-toe shoes: Christian Louboutin
$795

10. Purse: Chanel/Resurrection Vintage
Resurrection Vintage is a shop Rachel Zoe often pulls from. A helpful woman at the shop informed us that this patent-leather Chanel XL Jumbo bag is $3,500.

11. Essie nail polish, OPI nail polish, Givenchy Phenomen'eyes mascara, Leica C-Lux 3 camera
Nail polish $8, $8.50, Leica camera $599, mascara, $28.

12. Straw tote: H&M, $40, white tunic: H&M, $35

13. Towels: Missoni Home, Bikini: Missoni
Missoni Home towels, Zoe says, are "a great way of mixing fashion and function." The largest bath towel size from Missoni Home costs $134. Missoni Bikinis from Net-A-Porter start at $365.

14. Brown sandals: Dior
$740

15. Hair products: Byron Williams
The three items pictured are $18, $18.50, and $18.

16. Bib necklace: Louis Vuitton
Not yet available to the public, and not yet priced. Says Zoe: "That's going to be on my neck four out of seven days a week for the next few months." Then it will be thrown down the memory hole and replaced with something shinier and more expensive! That's fashion, darlings.

17. Bracelets: Genevieve Jones
Genevieve Jones' snake bracelets cost $1,050 apiece. Zoe included three of them.

18. Lucite jewelry: Alexis Bittar
The pieces included are: a $395 pair of earrings, a $225 ring, a $250 ring, a $125 ring, an $85 bangle, a $225 bangle, and a $425 bangle.

19. Bracelets and ring: Kathy Rose
The ring is $4,900, the bracelets are $3,600 and $4,200.

20. Deco cuff: Chanel
Regular plastic Chanel cuffs sell for around $150, but fancier ones like this can cost $950, which is what we'll estimate this unreleased bauble to fetch.

21. Gold bracelets and necklace: Chanel/Resurrection Vintage
These trinkets are $1,100 (bracelet) and $795 (necklace). The necklace is 20% off.

22. Sunglasses: Tom Ford "Claudio" and "Scarlett" styles
These are $400 each, and Zoe must have three of them.

23. Teal jeans: Matthew Williamson for H&M
This wildly popular collection is already sold out, but keeping a watchful eye on eBay might snag you a pair for $100.

24. Dark jeans: 7 For All Mankind "Ginger" style
Zoe remembered to price these herself, at $155.

25. Clutches: Louis Vuitton
The "African Queen" clutch is $2,580 on Louis Vuitton's website, and it's so "perfect" Zoe needs two of them.

26. Cardigan and jeans: Kate Moss for Topshop
These cost $180 and $100, respectively.

27. Sneakers: Adidas by Stella McCartney, $110
Says the Zoe herself: "I don't own sneakers, but if you're going to do it, add a fashion splash."

28. T-shirts: American Apparel, $19
With six rolled up, that's a total cost of $114.

29. Metallic burgundy shoes: Brian Atwood
Brian Atwood metallic burgundy shoes strappy high heels platform are from the designer's upcoming Fall collection, but a very similar pair of sandals from this summer are $725.

30. Gold and black shoes: Louis Vuitton
These shoes, with their distinctive architectural platform/heel combination, are from Fall 08, and they retailed for around $1,300. Lily Allen wore them once, and the Fug Girls compared the look of the wedge-heel combination to Anne Boleyn's rumored sixth finger. Zoe, who claims to wear the shoes "every day," has them in three colors.

31. Domaine Ott Rosé
This popular summer plonk costs around $30.

32. Fedora: YSL/Resurrection Vintage
Of this hat, Zoe says, "I think it sets the bar for fedoras." Which is probably why it's already sold.

33. Sandals: Vicini
$379.

34. Silver shoes: Guiseppe Zanotti
These strappy platform shoes will set you back a whopping $1,049.

Also pictured above, but not enumerated in the list, are two pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage ($2,950 for the rolling carry-on and $2,330 for the suitcase) one pair of Louis Vuitton shoes from the brand's "Tribal"-themed current collection. Those cost $2,289.

So how much would turning yourself into a Zoebot for summer cost you, not even counting the five designer items we had to list as Price on Application? $49,701

I think I just died.

Rachel Zoe: Our 2009 Tastemaker Shares 34 Of Her Favorite Things

While Bravo successfully copied both The O.C. and Desperate Housewives to create the Real Housewives franchise, it's unclear if the same formula can work for their new Gossip Girl knock off. The show, which premieres tonight at 10 p.m. Eastern and Pacific times, 9 p.m. Central time, follows four girls and two boys who attend several unnamed private high schools in New York (with the exception of one social climber who goes to public school). The show is filmed in the same style as the Real Housewives series, but it seems focusing solely on minors presented some problems for Bravo. Though each of the cast members fits an obvious Gossip Girl stereotype, real teens can't be shown having sex or taking drugs so NYC Prep is comparatively tame. (As noted on Gawker, it's even hard to discuss the Chuck Bass-type cast member's seemingly confused sexual orientation, since he's an 18-year-old high school senior, not a ridiculous WB character.) Though the students are just as bratty and obnoxious as Chuck (or Countess Luann), critics say their adolescent angst is just boring and inane. Even hating them isn't as enjoyable, since the teens are just the product of parents who aren't present in their lives, who only appear on the show in a Charlie Brown adult-like capacity. Below, we check out what the critics are saying about NYC Prep.

The Boston Globe

When the characters on Gossip Girl act like jaded 45-year-olds, it's entertaining; they're fictional, reciting snappy dialogue. Real-life prep schoolers, sitting in fancy leather wingback chairs, come across as far less charming. On NYC Prep, we meet Sebastian, who hooks up with "between two and 16 girls a month,'' luring them with his fluent French and his flowing hair. We see aspiring singer Kelli and overachieving Camille, who wants her dinners with friends to be "productive'' toward her college application process. We get Taylor, the one public schooler of the bunch, who tries to keep up with her wealthier friends. They're interesting enough, but this show really centers on PC (for Gossip Girl fans: real-life Chuck Bass), an overconfident prep school senior who fancies himself a charmer, and spouts lines like "The thing about New York is, money flows like the wind.'' His foil is Jessie (in Gossip Girl terms: real-life Blair!), a snooty queen bee who speaks in a jaded monotone, plans charity events, and has used a personal shopper at Barneys New York since the tender age of 13. In tonight's premiere, Jessie grants PC an audience at a fancy restaurant. He throws a bottle of water at her in jest. She storms out. He grovels. She accepts his apology and swiftly belittles him.

Variety

Ultimately, the main problem with NYC Prep is that the show never gets better than its title — lacking the sociological insight to score as a documentary or the hyper-real situations and "characters" that would make it sizzle as a soap. As crass as it sounds, for something like this to truly pop requires a little more Less Than Zero than merely Clueless, which is what we initially glean from our encounters with the half-dozen featured teens.

At first blush, the boys register more strongly than the girls, perhaps because they appear less concerned about (or more oblivious to) the prospect of looking like self-centered little bastards. So pretentious 18-year-old P.C. lords over underclassmen, while 16-year-old Sebastian will surely make his folks proud by cavalierly saying, "Some girls like it if you're an asshole to them." See you on The Bachelor, kid.

Salon

Who wouldn't instantly resent and pity these [parents], who can't be bothered to raise their own kids, leaving it to the service industry professionals of NYC — boutique clerks, restaurant delivery people, spa attendants, prep school administrators — to do it for them? And yet, who wouldn't instantly envy these people, who luxuriate in their vacation home while their irritating teenagers sift out their petty troubles on an overpopulated island far, far away? NYC Prep drags out the people we know just well enough to recognize that they're very, very different from us — that grandstanding thug at work, the chick down the hall in college with the tennis courts in her backyard, the ex-girlfriend's spouse who speaks four languages and summers in Martha's Vineyard — and shows us why they're so different. We ogle their many advantages and indulgences, then soothe ourselves with how twisted and pitiable they are, swimming in such a toxic, decadent, big-city marinade. We already know that they turned out wrong, but now we know why.

The New York Times

Viewers are no longer shocked at tableaus of conspicuous consumption - limousines, personal shoppers, weekends in the Hamptons - even when the careless spendthrifts are children. If anything, this paean to Upper East Side plutocrats looks a little out of date - if the camera panned the other side of Madison Avenue, it would show darkened store windows and "for rent" signs. But Bravo, home to other reality shows like The Rachel Zoe Project, specializes in pinpointing stereotypes and inflating them into full-blown cartoon caricatures. The deliciously vulgar heroines of Housewives of New Jersey shop and bicker, spend and shout, without ever falling out of character. On NYC Prep, PC in particular struggles to insert a little self-awareness and humor into his role as the spoiled preppy ne'er-do-well, but the script keeps veering back to the Gossip Girl playbook.

The L.A. Times

On NYC Prep (which airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m.) though, these young people evince, above all, a need to best the unbestable, awkwardly accentuating character traits well past the point of parody. Much as with The Real Housewives of New York, the kids featured here have the air of parvenus. Certainly, by whatever metrics the social hierarchy is determined, there are others who rank higher, likely thumbing their noses at this collection of would-bes and aren't-quites.

The Washington Post

These kids dress very well, never seem to get dirty, and have what appear to be near-flawless complexions. But their small talk is just as small as less affluent kids', perhaps smaller — much of it infinitesimal. They don't even gossip much about one another, though some appear capable of the kind of Machiavellian schemes portrayed in movies about the young and the bratty. Unfortunately, the most dramatic action in the premiere is a boy rolling a bottle of spring water across a restaurant table and into a snobby girl's lap. She is not amused.

If only these little dears were fascinating, or at least more interesting than they are on the first installment. From the looks of the previews at the end of the hour, things will be heating up in future episodes, and the first might be viewed as a scene-setting preface to battles, tattles and conspiracies to come. But how many viewers are going to stick around?

The Boston Herald

The cable network can't show its mostly underage cast indulging in sex and alcohol binges without being viewed as an accomplice and opening itself up to legal sanctions. So it is forced to focus on teens who come off as second-rate imitations of such Gossip mainstays as Blair, Serena, Chuck and Jenny...

Bravo does its level best to shove these kids into a bad light. Their on-camera confessionals all take place in a faux study in an oversized leather chair surrounded by piles of books, as if to ram the point that despite their families' wealth, these kids will never attain true class or sophistication.

We've already seen the half-hour preview, and the hour-long series premiere runs tonight at 11 p.m. (10 p.m. Central) after the Real Housewives of New York reunion special. (It will move to its regular 10 p.m. time slot next week.)

This is Bravo's fourth Real Housewives series, and for the first time, most of the cast are related to one another somehow. The show features Dina and Caroline Manzo, sisters who are married to brothers Albert and Tommie Manzo. The family runs the Brownstone, a catering business/wedding factory in Paterson. (Though it's not mentioned on the show, several reviews note that the 350-pound body of the brothers' father, Albert (Tiny) Manzo, was found riddled with gunshot wounds in the trunk of his car in 1983.)

The rest of the cast includes Jacqueline Laurita, a former Las Vegas cosmetologist, who is married to Dina and Caroline's brother. Teresa Giudice is a friend of the Manzos, but not related. She has three young daughters and her husband owns a construction business. Jacqueline's friend Danielle is the outsider on the show. The divorcee is not a relative of the Manzos or even Italian-American.

Some reviewers say the women's family ties make their fights seem more believable compared to the series set in Orange County, Atlanta, and New York. The show relies heavily on Sopranos-influenced stereotypes, even featuring signs from the New Jersey Turnpike in the opening credits, even though these women actually live 20 miles away. Oddly, some reviewers argue that the show is more "real" than previous seasons, precisely because the women live like characters on the aforementioned HBO series. But let's be clear: The idea that any of these programs reflect the lives of most "real housewives" just proves you've been watching too much TV. Below, the reviews:

The New York Times

The New Jersey housewives are more real and more riveting than their predecessors because, well, they are from New Jersey, and also because they so closely mirror the make-believe characters in The Sopranos. The best reality shows look like fiction.

This may be the most preposterous Housewives edition, but it's also the most believable. The suffocating family ties are an improvement over past incarnations, when producers often threw together women who were not really that close and whose frictions often seemed forced. These women actually do know one another well, talk every day and raise their children together (badly). The camera crew seems to be eavesdropping, rather than masterminding. Some of the women seem to have a sense of humor, or at least to enjoy the joke that is their lives on film.

The Boston Globe

It's also totally believable, from start to finish: For all of its absurdity, this series feels more "real" than other popular docudramas such as MTV's The Hills, its characters completely authentic. Some reality stars seem completely aware of the images they're building; every conversation feels calibrated to serve some future career in fashion, publishing, or reality TV. The varied Housewives, by contrast, have built their lives and amassed their fortunes already. Now that they're fully realized, they feel they deserve recognition.
Their lack of self-awareness is intoxicating; it makes the premiere the most engrossing hour of pure TV escapism I've seen in a very long time. I watched nearly every moment with jaw agape: Don't they hear themselves saying things like, "My whole house has nothing but marble, granite, and onyx"? Don't they know that hating rich people is a quintessential TV experience? Do they care? They don't care! It's fabulous!

Compared to its predecessors in Orange County, Calif., Atlanta, and New York, The Real Housewives of New Jersey is the apotheosis of conspicuous consumption. Set in a town where every house has a hangar-size foyer with a massive chandelier, it follows what might be the closest to a group of true housewives the series has seen. "I think I'm one of the last generations to have the old-school attitude," one character, Caroline, says. "I live for my children, I live for my husband, My career is secondary."

Slate

When I say that The RH of NJ is the most synthetic installment of the show yet produced, I refer not to the cast members' investment in plastic surgery; the specimens of Orange County bionic science edge them out on that count. Rather, the drama queening in these parts is much too blatantly contrived. In the premiere, you can see the whole season's worth of conflict lurking in the foreshadows. The catfights get hyped as if arranged by Don King. The five housewives-raring to depict themselves as the heads of the Five Families-are terriblly aware of the requirements of reality stardom.

The Los Angeles Times

Maybe it's just that the women, two of them sisters married to brothers, their sister-in-law, their nice friend and New Jersey's own Cruella de Vil are actually recognizable as human beings, even with their wads of cash and strange relationship with eyeliner ...

The Real Housewives of New Jersey promises to do what the rest of the series in the franchise never really did: show upper-middle-class families living something that approximates their actual lives. Sure, there's rigging going on. In the pilot, the dreaded Danielle makes a scene over not being invited on some "girls night out" that these shows are so fond of staging. But these gals seem less interested in creating TV personas or proving themselves the "hottest Housewife" than in reacting the way they might actually react if what was happening were real.

The Washington Post

Real Housewives of New Jersey is a rhapsody in beige, a fascinating journey through a world of $1.5 million houses, minimum price — although the full effect of the nation's economic collapse seems not yet to have been felt, in the premiere. The women keep themselves in shape, most of them, but their major exercise is acquiring stuff. And always the homes must get bigger, bigger, bigger ...

The word "housewife" fell out of favor with the first flush of feminism, but these women use it without complaint to describe themselves. Besides, the term implies being married to a house, and for some of the women, that seems clearly to be the case. Meanwhile, it seems from the very first chapter that — unless later episodes get into the recession — a sequel is in order, a chance to see whether these women escape economic calamity or succumb. "I don't want to struggle with money," Danielle says. Who does? If only the choice were ours to make.

The Philadelphia Inquirer

These creatures may be so desperate for attention they'll do almost anything, but they probably aren't that bad. So much of the show is more obviously fake than Dina's parking scene, right before she drives by the exclusive-looking High Mountain Golf Club, which actually is open weekdays to anybody with $74 and a shirt with a collar ($86 on weekends).
Don't count on any figures you hear: Though there are lots of multimillion-dollar houses in Bergen County's Franklin Lakes, home base for our "real" housewives, prices start at about $250,000, not the $1.5 million Dina mentions.

And if Teresa Giudice really did pay cash for the $120,360 in goods she is supposedly shown buying in a few minutes at the furniture store, the more than two-and-a-half pounds of hundred-dollar bills would have made an ugly bulge in her designer handbag. Not to mention how it would have drawn IRS attention to her husband's construction company.

Variety

One of the moms is trying to turn her moppet daughter into a pint-sized actress/model, injecting an element of child pageantry a la Showbiz Moms and Dads, as a beaming mom sings along in her seat while the kid struts onstage. Another housewife has a twentysomething son whose goal in life— wait for it — is to open a strip club ...

These are, in short, a pretty loathsome array of deliciously shallow stereotypes, almost feeling stitched together from pieces of other programs. And one suspects while the producers sifted through footage in assembling the premiere, the smiles in the editing bay were even bigger than those haircuts.

The New York Daily News

To confirm the obvious up front, "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" owes way more to the likes of Melrose Place and Dirty Sexy Money than it does to any actual New Jersey housewives.

If there's such a thing as a typical New Jersey housewife, she's a soccer mom who barely has time to brush her teeth in the morning. She's not a woman whose BlackBerry probably tells her that her first appointment of the day is phone sex at 3:30.

But then, the Real Housewives series has never been about "real" anything. The cast for a show like this, by definition, consists of exhibitionists.

Earlier: The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Bronzer, "Buh-bies," And... Blow Jobs?
Real Housewives Of New Jersey Sneak Peek

The concept of the program — fifteen designers competing to win a cash prize — will seem familiar to you, since five seasons of a show called Project Runway have aired. But The Fashion Show is no Project Runway; it lacks the soul, heart and guidance of Tim Gunn; the kooky honesty of Heidi Klum and the bish plz of Nina Garcia. What TFS does have are insane deadlines, a "fashion show" held in front of an audience and tons and tons of headdesk-inducing soundbites. Here are some of the bon mots thrown about during the first episode:

• "My design is edgy"
• "Avant-garde"
• "Experimental"
• "They call me the panty Christ"
• "I use heat-sensitive ink"
• "I used to design for strippers"
• "Creativity, construction, wearability, saleability"
• "Your man berries are hanging out"
• "I need some butter and a miracle to put that on"*
• "Our must-have item is going to be harem pants"

The Fashion Show [Bravo]

*Uttered, straight-faced, by Miss Kelly Rowland

Project Runway's move from Bravo to Lifetime prompted a year of lawsuits, which finally ended with a settlement last month. (Project Runway's sixth season will begin on Lifetime on August 20, and Bravo's ripoff of its own flagship series debuts tonight at 10 p.m.) The show follows the same basic concept as Project Runway, with 16 designers competing in a weekly challenge, fashion show, and elimination, but there are a few tweaks to the formula. The show is judged by designer Isaac Mizrahi, Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child, and Fern Mallis, a senior vice president of IMG Fashion who appeared as a guest judge on Project Runway. There will be one main challenge every week, in addition to a Harper's Bazaar Mini Challenge, judged by the magazine's Special Projects Director Laura Brown. Mizrahi and Rowland perform Tim Gunn's role in addition to hosting and judging, taking a tour of the work room during the challenges and offering their thoughts. The designers are competing for a chance to see their designs sold in a not-yet-named major retail store, and to win $125,000. A team of fashion insiders will vote on the runway show at the end of each episode, then the judges will decide who is eliminated. Viewers will vote on the final winner.

Critics say the judges don't have the chemistry of Heidi Klum, Nina Garcia, and Michael Kors. Unlike Tim Gunn, Isaac Mizrahi's comments are more mean than constructive and Kelly Rowland's fashion credentials are dubious. As for the contestants, it seems they were chosen because they fill certain Project Runway stereotypes, not because they are great designers. At the end of the first episode, one group of designers presents Hammer pants as a wardrobe staple, and Mizrahi tells the contestants, "you all let me down." Still, three months is a long time to wait for more Project Runway and The Fashion Show may help tide fans over. Below, the critics judge The Fashion Show.

Variety

Talk about a cheap knockoff. Bravo's look-alike replacement for Project Runway is what Christian Siriano would call a hot mess. By raiding the production closets of shows like The Biggest Loser, The Fashion Show attempts to jazz up the old business model with the idea of real life, real people, real fashion. Problem is, making the fashion more accessible also makes it a lot less, well, fashionable and, inevitably, much less fierce. There's just not that same level of drama when designing a standard blue blazer.

Even delightfully entertaining host Isaac Mizrahi seems slightly aghast at the designs, often unable to mask his horror. If Tim Gunn was diplomatic, Mizrahi is just melodramatic. His signature sign-off of "Bah-bye darling" seems rather harsh even by Heidi Klum's gruff, auf Wiedersehen standards. Still, he totally eclipses bland co-host Kelly Rowland, whose credentials in fashion seem rather nebulous. The two, along with Fern Mallis and a weekly guest judge, weigh fashion show votes to pick a winner and loser. Mallis, a popular judge from Runway, adds practical, relatable advice and some much-needed clout.

The L.A. Times

Hosts designer Isaac Mizrahi and singer Kelly Rowland (ex-Destiny's Child) are not exactly your new Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum. (Rowland's fashion credentials come from having looked at and worn a lot of it — and fair enough.) They are peppy where the Runway hosts were contained and tend to steal focus from the contestants. And unlike Gunn, whose role as disinterested mentor allowed him to love all players equally, Mizrahi is both an involved commentator and a judge, a mixing of duties of which I'm not sure I approve. (When Gunn was brought in as a substitute judge for last year's Runway finale, it seemed very wrong.)

The New York Times

Isaac Mizrahi is the host and lead judge instead of Heidi Klum, which is a little like giving the Grace Kelly role in To Catch a Thief to Rosie O'Donnell. There is no avuncular Tim Gunn acting as mentor to the 15 designers; instead Mr. Mizrahi and his co-host, Kelly Rowland, formerly of Destiny's Child, inspect the workroom where the designers are frantically cutting and basting. They don't hand out helpful tips or encouraging words; mainly they exchange eye rolls and dismissive comments. (Mr. Gunn's exhortation, "Make it work," became famous; Mr. Mizrahi leaves the room with a less inspiring motto, "Keep pluggin'.")

Mr. Mizrahi, who can be very funny as well as flamboyant, is mostly a scold here. Ms. Rowland is not exactly nurturing, either. "Is that supposed to be like that?" she asks Haven, 29, a contestant who is struggling with a misshapen fold on her blouse. "No, it's not supposed to be like that, Kelly," Haven replies, barely concealing a bristle.

Instead of acting as the mercurial designer's more tolerant foil, Ms. Rowland tries to keep up with Mr. Mizrahi's venom - without his verve.

The Hollywood Reporter

The show, the contestants and even the judges (who have almost no chemistry) are almost entirely without flair. Fashion plods through the paces but never seems to gather a real momentum, and there's little spontaneity or a true clash of creative wills: the contestants just seem to get on one another's nerves.

On the other hand, examining fashion with a more serious attitude leads to informative, interesting discussions. The runway segment of Fashion puts outfitted models on display before a room full of industry leaders, and producers seek out feedback from top names. During the runway examination, contestants provide a play-by-play on their fashions; later, when called on the carpet, they're articulate and insightful as to their design motivations and theories. In those moments, Fashion raises the bar for fashion reality.

The Washington Post

The show would be so much more hahaha, and so much more interesting, if we hadn't seen these contestants before. Merlin's costumes and smack-worthy comments seem far less outlandish when you realize he's pretty much just a Christian Siriano/Jay McCarroll hybrid. And Fashion's Kristin, with her flaky eco-inspired designs and what looks like a dreamcatcher in her hair — didn't Elisa and Sweet P (Runway Season 4) have that shtick covered? The contestants of Fashion sometimes act as though they auditioned not to be fashion designers on a reality show, but rather to fill the specific shoes left behind by Runway contestants. You can almost picture them backstage, doing rock-paper-scissors to determine which one of them will be "the offensive contestant," which one will be "the contestant who wears a headpiece bigger than Milwaukee."

The Chicago Sun-Times

Project Runway is ingenious at casting. Will we ever forget Santino? Christian Siriano? Or Kenley Collins, last season's finalist who was so combative that she has since been charged with throwing her cat at her ex?
Tough to top. But The Fashion Show just may do it. So far we have a men's underwear designer who calls himself "the pantychrist"; a Siriano look-alike who mumbles something about how he only works with squares and rectangles, and Merlin, who has an impenetrable accent, at least one red cat suit and a collection of astonishing hats. "The world is controlled by bitches, that's what I believe," says Merlin. I think.

The Daily News

Mizrahi also doesn't seem to be from the pep-talk school of hosting. At one point in tonight's show he informs the assembled group that "you all let me down." ... In Mizrahi's defense, tonight doesn't suggest these contestants are quite ready to revolutionize fashion. It doesn't take a professional to know that if a dress is so painfully tight even a wispy model can't comfortably wear it, it's probably not going to score in the shops. But as viewers, we're less interested in the destination than the ride, and this one starts out feeling like fun.

• Kohl's seems to think a Lauren Conrad fashion line will be a winner. And we had been so joyful when it seemed the Lauren Conrad Collection was taking a permanent vacation! [NY Times]

• Marc Jacobs: "If Naomi [Campbell] were very well behaved and always on time, and didn't have her little tantrums, I don't know that she'd still be around and traveling like Elizabeth Taylor with an entourage." I suppose you just have to find what works for you, and do it. [Style.com]
• Interesting tidbit from the set of the Prada fall campaign shoot: Steven Meisel worked for four days at Pier 59 studios in New York City — last season, the campaign was shot by Meisel in Los Angeles, but then a studio's a studio, more or less. And this season's undertaking involved an actual live horse. Can't wait to see how that turns out. [FWD]
• The New York Times finally got its Critical Shopper, Cintra Wilson, into Topshop (which, weeks after opening, still has a line outside and "bouncers" at the door — whether or not the shop is close to capacity). Wilson's take? "Everything looks so sarcastic and right-this-second trendy as to be planning for a near-immediate obsolescence." [NY Times]
• As had long been expected, Peter Copping was officially named Olivier Theyskens' successor at Nina Ricci in Paris. [WWD]
• New York asked Liya "Kibede" — May American Vogue cover girl, and the third black woman on the cover in as many months — to talk about fashion's cautiously increasing diversity, which the Ethiopian supermodel attributes in main to Barack and Michelle Obama. "I think there's a lot more black models working and I think that's because of having Michelle and Barack out there," says Kebede. "I mean there's been this issue, raised last year — how there wasn't enough black models on the runways — but I think Barack and Michelle have really helped us, hopefully forever, to get over this hurdle for black models." Three covers with black women in a row for Vogue is better than the one cover every 2-3 years that had been the norm for the twenty years of Anna Wintour's tenure at the magazine — but Vogue's 117-year history still counts only a mere 16 covers with black women featured solo, and 5 covers where a black woman was pictured as part of a group. We hate to say it, but Kebede's optimism may be premature. [The Cut]
• Tyra Banks announced that this season she was taking contestants on her watch-pretty-girls-cry TV show to Brazil by having a male model come on the set and offer her Brazil nuts in Portuguese. Unfortunately, that model's name was Hugo Vieira. Vieira is from Portugal. Not Brazil. [MadeInBrazil]
• Meanwhile, in the upcoming season of Australia's Next Top Model, a 16-year-old contestant, who took the preparatory step of dropping out of high school to jump-start her modeling career, is ordered into anger management counseling after threatening to assault another contestant. Seriously, where do they find these people? [News.com.au]
• Polymath (ADD?) designer Isaac Mizrahi was happy to be a judge on Bravo's Project Runway replacement, The Fashion Show (which premieres May 7). But not because it would lift his personal brand: "I respect people for doing that," Mizrahi said, tactfully, "but I'm doing it because it's really fun." [Variety]
• Jason Wu, despite his quick rise to household name status after it became known that he designed Michelle Obama's inaugural ball dress, is nevertheless still doing his quirky bread-and-butter sideline project: designing dolls. His latest is inspired by Lana Turner. It's for sale at FAO Schwartz, for $180. [FWD]
• Model-slash Daisy Lowe: "When I think of 'It Girl,' I think of someone who is privileged, someone who has everything given to them. My parents don't have loads of money. I've been looking after myself, paying my own way since I was 17." [Daily Beast]
• Patrick Robinson's quest to make the Gap cool (again? for the first time? can anyone remember? or is the Gap's alleged hip is beyond a sartorial event horizon: no information about it can reach the wider world?) takes on the jeans. Robinson and his design team have spent two years rethinking the chain's denim offerings, and come August there'll be new offerings like boyfriend jeans, well-fitted drainpipes, and bell bottoms in a variety of lengths. All for $69. [Style.com]
• Penelope Cruz's Mango line's summer collection looks pretty damn cute. As does Ms. Cruz herself. [Fabsugar]
• Yesterday, If we were to have ranked designers by their relative likelihood to launch homewares lines, Martin Margiela's name would have been near the bottom. Shows how much we know! [WWD]
• Quoth the artistic director of Shu Uemura: "I have so many ideas that it can be overwhelming." [The Cut]
• Four images from Shipley & Halmos' Uniqlo line, launching May 7, have leaked. The clothes look a little...boring. [Nylon]
• Matthew Williamson for H&M launches tomorrow in select stores. [Times of London]
• Could a Missoni for H&M line be on the horizon? Angela Missoni, creative director of the venerable Italian knitwear house, says in a recent profile, "I would like to do something with H&M because I think it is a very powerful way to reach younger girls now." Missoni is also frustrated by the format of modern runway shows, which she finds "cold and distant" and a distraction from the clothes. And she hates that more established models can command high runway fees: "I prefer to show my collections on fresh, young girls to capture that spirit. Having Naomi or Gisele in your show is really just about saying that you were able to get her." But girls like Nimue Smit — who is in the spring Prada campaign — and Sara Blomqvist — who was launched to fame by a Prada exclusive in 2007 — both of whom walked in Missoni's last show, aren't exactly "unknowns". [Telegraph]
• M by Missoni, the company's diffusion line, experienced 25% annual growth last year — so it's launching new accessories and denim collections. [WWD]
• H&M says it's strongly positioned, despite the troubled economy and its recent lackluster sales figures. The company plans to open 225 more stores than it will have to close this year. [WSJ]
• Here is your fashion inanity of the day: "Designers always say, 'Gray is the new black,' and the next season say, 'I can't do one more gray piece.' Where does it go? How come the loyalty vanishes? Why don't you love gray every season?" Stephanie Seymour — never afraid to ask the tough questions. [Fashionista]

• Yasmin and Amber Le Bon: They share a nose, and a familiar mother/daughter wardrobe dynamic. Only Yasmin, being a supermodel, can parry Amber's incursions by going nuclear with, "Maybe I'll donate to the V&A..." [Telegraph]

• This interview with André Leon Talley and Matt Tyrnauer, the director of Valentino: The Last Emperor, is absolutely wonderful. Tyrnauer explained again just how upset Valentino and Giancarlo Giammetti were when they first saw a rough cut of the documentary, an anger that only softened at the Venice Film Festival: "the audience gave a very long standing ovation, which Valentino received like Mussolini. There's something about Italians and balconies." The director also says that the reason Valentino has a butler dial Giammetti's number in the movie is because the designer doesn't know how to call long distance. "He lives a life that hasn't existed for 50 years. Valentino never changed." Talley interjected, "Karl Lagerfeld knows how to dial." [The Cut]
• American Apparel is letting you, the person who will have to look at it, pick the next ad to adorn its Harlem store. Exercise your consumer rights and vote for ass or titties, now! [Racked]
• Bravo's idea of a replacement for Project Runway? Something involving third-rate celebrities being mentored by industry figures as they compete to start their own fashion lines. Whatever happened to that supposed show with Fern Mallis and Isaac Mizrahi? Don't these people realize that the thing that made Project Runway fun was that its subjects' famewhore quotient was generally matched by their actual design abilities? And watching someone absorbed in a task they enjoy and have mastered is fun? Celebrities. Starting clothing lines. This is so much worse than when Jeffrey won. [Reuters]
• At least you can still catch Isaac Mizrahi on the radio: his new show for Martha Stewart's radio network debuts this Thursday evening. You can call in, and ask him questions about fashion, and he'll tell you to forget about it and just spend more money on your hair. [Fashionista]
• Meanwhile, Liz Claiborne has decided to limit distribution of its Isaac Mizrahi-designed line...to one store per mall. That slight measure of exclusivity might be enough to make the brand more desirable to consumers, and less vulnerable to markdowns. [WWD]
• Whitney Port will no longer pretend to work at Diane von Furstenberg for the purposes of her reality show. Instead, she will pretend to work at People's Revolution, with Kelly Cutrone. [The Cut]
• Talbot's sales dropped 23% in the fourth quarter, and the company lost a total of $366.5 million. [WSJ]
• Standard & Poor's downgraded Barneys' debt obligations yesterday. It's no surprise that a department store wouldn't be doing so great just now. [WWD]
• Word is, the July cover of American Vogue will feature Sienna Miller. Anna Wintour recently went to the premiere of Miller's new flick, The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, and rumors have been swirling since. That would be Miller's second cover in as many years, which means that Keira Knightley and Gwyneth must both be busy that weekend. [Racked]
• If you feel moved to vote on the best-looking model on the current Vogue cover, you can now do so. (Unfortunately, there's no option for "They all look like plasticine dolls! Who retouched this?") [FabSugar]
• Re-designed versions of the plain white T by such talents as Philip Lim, Richard Chai, and Henry Holland are coming to Topman this May. Because nobody has ever "re-designed" T-shirts before! [FTape]