Jezebel: book of jezebel

Send Us Your Easter Pictures And All Is Forgiven!

Moe — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:00:00 EDT

Easter is when Jesus rose from the dead three days after dying on the cross to save us from our original sins. Original sins are the ones we didn't even commit, that we just had because we were born human, which used to mean "in God's image" but then became flawed because of Eve and that darn apple, and isn't it weird, in the season known for the Bunny bearing gifts of speckled Whopper eggs and Cadbury creme thingys, to think of an apple being a sinful thing to consume? I'm sure they were tastier back before the dawn of modern agribusiness, but still. Anyway Easter is interesting because you never know when it's going to happen, unless your parents happen to be the sort of Catholics who give up drinking for Lent in which case you know exactly when it's going to happen, but anyway it happens the Sunday before the Paschal Full Moon, which — duh — this year is March 23. That means this weekend is Palm Sunday, so you have only ONE WEEK to dredge out your cutest and/or most embarrassing Easter pictures and pay the mailroom guy to scan them and send them to us in the name of Past Fashion, the Jezebel feature that celebrates how we looked before we committed so many sins.

Bonus points if you are wearing a dress that, like reader Katie's, boasts smocking.

Hats, too, are good; as are ribbons in hair — particularly ribbons intricately woven into French braids — and ruffled socks. And any white/pastel colored outfits soiled by Easter egg dye, melted chocolate, blood, etc.

As a bonus and to provide a sense of narrative to the ensuing gallery, we'd also be interested in collecting from Easter picture submitters any and all Drunk Spring Break In Cancun and/or Drunk March Madness Tailgate and/or Drunk St. Patrick's Day bar crawl pictures that might convey a sense of life's inevitable journey toward the realization of Original Sin, or more precisely, highly unoriginal sin.

(Sorry it didn't work, Jesus.)

But really, the cute pastel dress easter egg hunt candy binge photos are the most key. Send them to photos@jezebel.com and earn the undying love of Jezebel and our god (Baal) and also probably Jesus too and also probably Barack Obama.

Full gallery to come Good Friday! (Don't forget to fast!)

Earlier: The Way We Were: Retro Black Hairstyles

Being A Bitch Will Save The World

Moe — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 13:00:00 EST

A woman named Julie Burchill writes in the Guardian today about how being a bitch is a lost art. READ EVERY WORD.
No, seriously, go. I can't blockquote the whole thing. Shit, should I just blockquote the whole thing? No. And when you come back, since you'll want to know who wrote this revelatory piece, it's Julie Burchill — rhymes with Churchill! — a recently converted Christian who never attended college because she was too busy being a punk rock teenage NME contributor. In 1,293 words she eviscerates tabloid schadenfreude, the soft bigotry of low expectations, political correctness, racism disguised as classism, envy disguised as empathy, Bonnie Fuller, the "confessional" personal essay, and pretty much everyone who works for a women's magazine and takes it even remotely seriously. Sorry guys! I had to say it. Listen. Seriously, I'm going to say it now: every time you say something "mean" that is not borne of insecurity or envy or hypocrisy or some other all-too-common society-feueled manifestation of a deficiency of conscience, you are DOING THE WORLD A PUBLIC SERVICE. There is not enough of it in this world. Really.

I don't know what else to say. There's too much. I have to post this thing. I guess maybe the one thing I would point out is that there are schools that believe "society" is responsible for demonizing the bitch, for turning the true bitch into an endangered species, and to that I say, society is one half bitches, you bitches; we've only got ourselves (and stupidity) to blame. Yeah yeah, bitch at me all you want. I love you bitches.

Bring Back The Red-Blooded Bitch [Guardian]

Related: Dorothy Parker [Wikipedia]

How Does The Church Pay For All Those Boys It Molested? Evict The Nuns!

Moe — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 13:00:30 EDT

Ever wondered where the Catholic Church would find the six hundred sixty million bucks it has to pay all those little altar boys it raped and robbed the childhoods, ruined relationships with women of etc. etc.? Now you know: they're evicting nuns. Not priests! Zero priests!! Fucking geriatric, diabetic nuns. You see, because if they had just put out a little more often maybe we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place! Think this will help the Church win back some of the market share it's lost to Islam in the marketplace of "life philosophies for misogynists"? It better! Because while the evicted nuns have been forbidden to talk about it, it's not ingratiating them former sisters of Bethany.

"Look, a gag rule on three nuns! Holy mackerel!" said Diaz, 74, in the parking lot outside the convent. "They do this to the ones who've been around for 57 years? No wonder they don't get more vocations. Would you want to join?"

Heh, us? No. But remember how Anne Hathaway used to want to be one?

Yeah, she figured out pretty quickly that was a fucking stupid idea.

Nuns' Evictions Pose Perception Problem For Catholic Church [Washington Post]