• Sarah Palin gave an unsurprising speech at a "anti abortion banquet" last night, opining that women should carry their unwanted pregnancies to term, embryos should get rights and President Barack Obama sucks. [Associated Press]

• Great news: Michael Steele has decided Palin is a party leader; hopefully this will fuck up her chances in 2012. [MSNBCEveryone is making money off Palin, including me. [Politico]
• Except for Wayne Anthony Ross, Palin's Crazytown pick for Attorney General, who was rejected while Palin was off proclaiming her opposition to a woman's right to choose. [Huffington Post]
• The press and the blogosphere are combing through the memos about the various ways in which people were tortured under the Bush Administration. [NY Times]
• There may be no prosecutions of those torturers, however. [Associated Press]
• Instead, President Obama is going to focus on high-speed rail. Hint: if it wasn't still cheaper and faster to fly or take a bus than a train, probably more people would take trains. Can I get a DOT appointment now? [NY Times]
• Currently, Obama is in Trinidad for the Summit of the Americas. No beefcake shots have been made available to the press at this time. [ABC News]
• Hottie statistician Nate Silver thinks we should just let Texas secede from the Union. [FiveThirtyEight]
• Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal thinks Cheney should shut the fuck up. [Politico]
• Defense Secretary Bob Gates isn't exactly keen to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell. [Associated Press]
• Obama's car czar Steven Rattner is under investigation for possibly participating in a kickback scheme with New York state's pension fund. I suspect he and Bill Richardson will have plenty to talk about. [Politico]
• Americans are in love with Michelle Obama. [Marist]
• Apparently Howard Dean and Rahm Emanuel have kissed and made up. However Dean's still not going to be Secretary of Health and Human Services. [The Hill]

Barack Obama gave his Don't-Call-It-A-State-Of-The-Union State of the Union speech last night, which you can read here but I will summarize as follows: economy bad, America strong, gonna get better with your help and money from Congress, inspiration, Hope, Change, hey Michelle! and fin. You know, typical Obama speech. It was followed up by a bedtime story from Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal as read to a class of 2nd graders. Even though the post-SOTU speeches are generally universally terrible and anyone who wants a permanent place on the national stage ought to know better than to agree to give one, even Republicans agree that Jindal's was worse than normal and it didn't help that he referenced the federal government response to Katrina as a positive thing and then gave props to a racist sheriff. Eric Holder, who was watching in an undisclosed location in case of catastrophe, was probably pissed that he was in an undisclosed location watching it since the rest of the Cabinet probably wasn't even home yet and didn't have to suffer like him.

But wait! There was other news! Like the fact that the White House let it slip just before Obama's speech that the Administration is going to do a 19 instead of a 16 month pull-out from Iraq and it is going to leave about 50,000 troops there even when they're done pulling out (which does, unfortunately, tend to be how the Withdrawal Method works, after all). Illinois Senator Dick Durbin announced that he'd suggested Roland Burris resign and Burris refused because he really likes being Senator and hasn't been charged with anything... which is just like how David Vitter likes being Senator and didn't want to resign over getting caught banging hookers, only David Vitter doesn't think the scandals are the same because Roland Burris isn't getting laid.

In the meantime, the Senate finally coughed up a confirmation for Hilda Solis to be Labor Secretary and a bunch of Republicans remained grumpy about it. Janet Napolitano isn't going to play with your fear of terrorism by saying the word "terrorism" constantly, which Republican Congressman Peter King of Long Island thinks is a terrible thing because, how else is he supposed to get re-elected if not by beating the 9/11 drum that Rudy so helpfully left for him?

Lastly, People is reporting that the White House puppy is coming in April, following spring break. Michelle's leaning toward a Portuguese water dog, but they haven't picked out a name yet, so start your suggestions below.

• Some men grow beards in their 20s, even if they are actual royalty (we know that we already did a Snap Judgment of ol' beardo, but Will's beard deserves a double post). [Huffington Post]

• It's still winter and the weather is doing winter-y things. [Huffington Post]
• The economy still sucks. [Wall Street Journal]
• Some Republicans like Bobby Jindal won't run in 2012 if Barack Obama isn't the worst President in this history of the universe because they prefer to win. [Politico]
• Obama isn't going to Iraq before the Inauguration, which means he's probably going after. [Washington Post]
• Other countries are realizing that throwing more money at the world economic crisis is just throwing good money after bad. [NY Times]
• Caroline Kennedy realizes that she has to talk to the media to get David Paterson to appoint her to Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. [Huffington Post]
• Water inevitably wet.
• Paint perpetually dries slowly.
• Down remains down and up remains up.
• Gravity is still in effect.
• The Earth continues to revolve around the sun
• There's never much newsworthy to talk about the day after Christmas.

I made the Huffington Post's Jason Linkins wait for far too long for that joke, and to discuss Terry McAuliffe, the Moran dynasty, Silvestre Reyes' stunning stupidity and how Bobby Jindal is or is not running for President.

MEGAN: Well, there's nothing like getting on the wrong subway and walking 15 blocks in the rain without an umbrella before you drink any coffee to make for a shit day.

JASON: Hey I can imagine.

MEGAN: So, was it you who asked Mamet for his take on Blagojevich? Because it's awesome.

JASON: No! But, yes, that was pretty awesome.

MEGAN: No one is more Mamet than Mamet. Did I mention I had to read Oleanna in college? It seemed like a weird book for a young male professor to assign.

• • • • • 17 minutes • • • • •

MEGAN: Seriously, I think the universe has decided that Crappy Hour is crap today. Let's try and go fast before my broadband card decides it needs to reboot again

JASON: OK. So. Where were we?

MEGAN: I was talking about my hot creative writing professor, George. I always got sidetracked by George.

JASON: OK. I had a hot Art History T.A. that was always a distraction to me.

MEGAN: Anyway, so, Bobby Jindal is supposedly probably definitely not running for President. I think that's a smart move.

JASON: I think probably Bobby Jindal isn't totally not NOT running for President? And that I think just about everyone is in that state of maybe probably sort of not NOT not considering it? And yet visiting Iowa for some reason? Anyway, I think it's a smart move to have press releases out there with the word "president" next to your name.

MEGAN: Especially when you're just randomly going to Virginia to endorse some dude for Governor. Because your name has, like, that much cache. But not because you're maybe running for President. Because you're not. At least, not right now, 3 years and 11 months from the next election. Not that you're thinking about that.

JASON: Ahh. The Virginia governor race. This is what Terry McAuliffe thinks he wants to do with his life.

MEGAN: I think that's kind of hilarious, actually. Terry McAuliffe would make Virginia fun. Way funner than Brian Moran. We could blog about state politics and people might actually read it!

JASON: It's Jim Moran. And a plague of weasels would be about as much fun as him. He's like a sad pile of sweaty cheese. He was a supporter of one of the professional theatres I worked at back in the day, so I've had the joy of seeing him stone asleep in the front row. Does wonders for morale! There are wide swathes of Virginia that are going to look at Terry McAuliffe and see something totally alien to their existence.

MEGAN: No, actually, Jim's brother Brian, a state rep, is running for Governor. Jim Moran's going to be our Congressman for life. Terry McAuliffe, though, is pretty alien-looking.

JASON: EEGGGGHHHH. This fucking state.

MEGAN: It's the Moran dynasty! Only Brian is either not as corrupt and racist as his brother, or is smart enough not to get caught. I've got my suspicions, but I find it hard to call a politician "smart." Especially after this week. Speaking of not-smart politicians, Gary "No Relation To Spencer" Ackerman compared Caroline Kennedy to J-Lo.

JASON: "Caroline Kennedy! She's just like Jennifer Lopez!" THIS is a pitch we're greenlighting during a recession? Really?

MEGAN: She's just Carrie from the block? God, that was a bad joke. Let's just walk quietly away from that wreckage.

JASON: Ha!

MEGAN: Oh, look, Baucus is trying to fuck up the new stimulus bill. He keeps trying to fuck Obama, between this and his health care bill from last month. I didn't even realize there was any enmity there.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and members of the Obama team, for one, want to pass a large-scale SCHIP expansion early next year as one of a handful of moves designed to allow Obama to claim some immediate accomplishments on popular issues.

But Baucus wants to do it now to deny Obama that? Which team is he playing for?

JASON: I've not been able to get my head around Baucus, I must admit. I think threatening the stimulus package now, however, is a moot point. If he can't get the votes now, Obama will have the votes in a couple of months. With the committment shown to this stimulus package and putting infrastructure projects in play, the states can start allocating budget monies right now.

MEGAN: And like the Dems won't waive PAYGO next year? That strains credibility at best.

JASON: The guy who's really made a name for himself on the shit list, is Silvestre Reyes.

MEGAN: Did someone not know he's a dumbass? Though I assume you're talking about his call for Obama to keep McConnell and Hayden as the National Intelligence Director and CIA head, respectively?

JASON: Whoever put him atop the House Intelligence Committee didn't get the memo, and now, per our own Spencer Ackerman, he's pushing for Obama to keep Mike McConnell and Hayden. For the sake of "continuity." Nothing those two men do contribute to any sort of continuity that this country needs.

MEGAN: That "whomever," by the way, was Nancy Pelosi, who ousted Jane Harman despite her being awesome but couldn't put the corrupt Alcee Hastings there. Because they don't like one another.

JASON: I was being coy.

MEGAN: Oh, fuck coy. That was a bad decision.

JASON: Indeed! Check out Reyes position on torture, per Ackerman:

“We don’t want to be known for torturing people. At the same time we don’t want to limit our ability to get information that’s vital and critical to our national security,” he added. “That’s where the new administration is going to have to decide what those parameters are, what those limitations are.”

MEGAN: The limits should be: let's not torture people! Yay! That was easy.

JASON: What this dumbass Reyes needs to get through his thick goddamned skull is that torture VASTLY LIMITS OUR ABILITY TO GET INFORMATION. Meanwhile, it helps to scale up our enemies ability to recruit soldiers to their cause. That leaves us with what, Mr. Reyes? More motherfuckers walking around that you need to torture, I guess? This is all before we get to the part that we have soldiers of our own in the field, who I would rather not see tortured, if you don't mind! Guys like Reyes...sorry...IGNORANT CANDYFUCK DIPSHITS like Reyes, put our fighting men and women in harms' way with their torture-porn pretensions. This guy should be FAR, FAR from the intelligence committee.

MEGAN: But torture is fun! So even if it's completely ineffective, it's, like, revenge.

JASON: You got a House Dumbass Subcommittee on Thumbs Wedged Up Asses, that's fine. Put this fuck Reyes on it.

MEGAN: As long as it's not my thumb.

• Hank Williams Jr., who we started studiously ignoring after he murdered our national anthem during a Palin rally, has decided that he's not quite done with being part of a losing campaign and will challenge Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander in the primary for the 2010 race. [Politico]
• Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Cindy Lederman today threw out Florida's 31-year-old law prohibiting LGBT Floridians from adopting children, noting that there was no scientific evidence to support the ban and Florida allows LGBT people to foster children. The state plans to appeal. [Wall Street Journal]
• Barack Obama is adopting, too, and not just a puppy — he's adopting current Defense Secretary Robert Gates for his own Administration. [ABC News]

• Obama also named David Orszag, currently head of the Congressional Budget Office, to head up his Office of Management and the Budget. He will be the first blogger to join the Administration. [The Hill, Washington Post]
• One person who won't be part of the Administration is former CIA official John Brennan, who took himself out of the running for any Administration position after being pilloried on the blogosphere for stuff he wasn't a part of. [Washington Independent]
• If you were missing Sarah Palin, she's all over the news today, between receiving an award from Field and Stream, heading to Georgia to campaign for Saxby Chambliss and being laughed at by South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. [Politico, New York Times, Huffington Post]
• Joe The Motherfucking Plumber is back on the teevees, too, hawking digital converter boxes. When will those two crazy kids ever get it together and admit they belong together... and out of my field of vision? [Wonkette]
• Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal hopes it's soon, so he can kick his Presidential campaign into high gear at last. Yeah, we're turning into that kind of political system. [LA Times]
• Not that this election is actually over yet, as Al Franken's just a little concerned that some officials are squirreling away valid ballots to keep Norm Coleman in office. You'd think it was a paranoid fantasy, but he's got video. [Politico]

MEGAN: Are you sufficiently caffeinated? I am having a Diet Coke jones, but there is nary a bottle in the proximity.

ANA MARIE: Oh, there's Jim Webb the big pumpkin head!

MEGAN: I wonder what he fills it with...

ANA MARIE: Which is to say, not really. But I do like Mr. Pumpkin head. Filled with pumpkin.

MEGAN: I could do with some pumpkin bread.

ANA MARIE: Mike Barnicle is telling Jim Webb that "you know more than anyone about class warfare... you've written about it." And, it's true, Webb knows a lot about class warfare: HE IS FOR IT. He's pretty much for any kind of warfare.

MEGAN: Yeah, I was sort of starting to think to myself, "Jim Webb is an economist?" but then Barnicle kept being all shout-y and I got distracted. He is really pissed at Senators who voted for the AIG bailouts to save those guys' salaries who are now shitting on union pay/benefit packages.

ANA MARIE: We could just turn Crappy Hour into Meta Morning Joe. I know that's my fault but I'm not sure if I'm really sorry.

MEGAN: It's okay; who doesn't love Morning Joe except for Mika's hair? Free Mika's hair!

ANA MARIE: Her hair does compete with her attempts to be somewhat serious.

MEGAN: Although, thankfully, she has apparently given up the Palin-do today. Small favors.

ANA MARIE: Oh god, Mika is "driving the ship" Mon-Wed. I might have to convene some kind of A Very Special Crappy Hour.

MEGAN: Wait, so, Jane Krakowski is coming on next? Was that a pattern on the top of her shirt, or was that cut outs? Do I need to be on nip slip alert?

ANA MARIE: You, my dear, are ALWAYS on nip slip alert. And thank god someone is.

MEGAN: Okay, during the commercial, we have to discuss Obama tapping Janet Napolitano at DHS. Do we think they'll have to convene an exorcism to expel The Wraith in January?

ANA MARIE: It's a chance for Bobby Jindal to come onto the national stage with some pizazz!

MEGAN: That would be awesome, actually. But on Napolitano: kind of crazy that right now 2 of the 3 hard core security gigs will seemingly go to women.

ANA MARIE: What if they all start getting their periods at the same time!!??!?! NUCLEAR WAR!

MEGAN: Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb bomb Iran!

ANA MARIE: I think at this point we are contractually obligated to mention the CHENEY HAS BEEN INDICTED. Have you read about this? Has it been Drudged?

MEGAN: Yes, apparently, this headline-seeking prosecutor in Texas decided that holding stock in a company whose employees do bad things makes us all liable for the actions of said employees.

ANA MARIE: Here's the weird thing: "Cheney, Gonzales and the others will not be arrested, and do not need to appear in person at the arraignment, Presiding Judge Manuel Banales said."

MEGAN: Because the judge needs an arraignment to throw out the case?

ANA MARIE: I guess that's not actually weird but good, given that it sounds fucking insane. God that must be a fun jury.

MEGAN: Yeah, I mean, I wonder what they were smoking and whether it's only available in Texas.

ANA MARIE: I think the prosecutor is not JUST headline-seeking btw. There is deep crazy at work here:

After Guerra's office was raided as part of the investigation early last year, he camped outside the courthouse in a borrowed camper with a horse, three goats and a rooster. He threatened to dismiss hundreds of cases because he believed local law enforcement had aided the investigation against him.

But, hey, the netroots must be happy! Someone LISTENED!

MEGAN: Well, I believe that local law enforcement had aided the investigation against him, since that's the job of law enforcement. I'm just concerned about the 3 goats and a rooster.

ANA MARIE: The horse? That's fine. It is Texas.

MEGAN: Yeah, I'm not worried about the horse. But this guy sounds like a goat-sacrificer. Plus who has only a rooster?

ANA MARIE: Someone who is frightened of both alarm clocks and eggs.

MEGAN: But eggs are delicious! Wow, I'm getting the significant impression that I probably should have had more than a salad for dinner last night.

ANA MARIE: I should have had dinner! And lunch. And probably breakfast. Been trying to lose my "campaign fifteen" but sort of lazy about it — instead of eating smart, been not eating. Off topic: I LOVE Pat Buchanan on TV. He's always, like, PEERING at the camera. As if suspicious of the technology. Like he knows it wasn't MADE IN AMERICA.

MEGAN: Well, there's no rest for no wicked, and no breakfast for us until we finish this, but after that there will be bacon in my future, mostly because I only have one egg in the fridge. So, Penny Pritzker at Commerce? It's even wilder that of all the Cabinet slots that have leaked, you've got Clinton, Napolitano, Pritzker and Holder. Are the only grey-haired white guys going to actually be in the White House? No offense, Rahm.

ANA MARIE: Well, there's Valerie Jarrett. And Susan Rice will turn up somewhere, no? I would love it if Samantha "She's a monster" Power also showed up. But if they're serious about Clinton I'm guessing not.

MEGAN: Susan Rice appears to be on-track for a sub-cabinet slot. Jarrett's going to the White House. And Sam Powers is apparently still at Harvard, though I would have picked her for an undersecretary gig at State but you're right, if Clinton goes to State, she's not gonna.

ANA MARIE: MSNBC says Sebelius being vetted for Energy Secretary or Labor! CHICKS EVERYWHERE.

MEGAN: Kathleen, run from Labor! Labor's a dead-end gig!

ANA MARIE: Yeah, put Richardson in Energy.

MEGAN: And Chuck Todd is saying that there are few Hispanic names, but he apparently didn't read the WaPo story on HUD Secretaries in which Antonio Villaraigosa and Miami mayor Manuel Diaz came up.

ANA MARIE: Or, you know, Richardson for Interior, since apparently that is the Land of Grabbyhands.

MEGAN: That's how they determine contracts there sometimes! And Richardson at Interior would be interesting, since it has seemingly gone to Western types for quite a while.

ANA MARIE: This is the most interest anyone has shown in posts like HUD in a long time. It's just because they haven't gotten a puppy yet. Once the puppies come in, we'll be able to truly ignore the news.

MEGAN: Well, probably the only reason anyone's interested in HUD right now is that whole mortgage crisis thing, but my money's on Villaraigosa, Telemundo mistress be damned.

ANA MARIE: Oh, you and your logic and pragmatism.

MEGAN: Fine. Yes, I think once there are pictures of the girls romping on the lawn with the puppy, there will be no other news. The Washington Post will eliminate all other print coverage and just print pictures so there is an epidemic of hearts exploding from cuteness. And then we'll get another baby panda if the economy gets worse, just because.

ANA MARIE: Look, that's the only way newspapers can survive, right? The puppy equivalent of all those Memorial Obama Editions. And, fuck, if you give me another panda baby, you can have my house! I will just need an internet connection and the panda cam. And booze. And coffee. I should probably keep the house. In a just world I like to think we get panda babies and homes. Isn't that basically what Obama promised?

MEGAN: Well, and rainbows and unicorns, right? But baby pandas are cuter.

MEGAN: You know when your day begins with finding out that there's another car parked where you left yours that the world has decided today will be nothing more than a series of crappy hours.

SPENCER: So, to tweak what the Hebrews ask every year, that's why this day is crappier than other days? I was once on a date in Manhattan and I parked my mom's car in front of a theater rehearsal or some shit, leading me to take the lucky lady for an hours-long trip to the impound lot off the west side highway

MEGAN: Well, the potential loss of the second most expensive thing I own — besides my condo — is only made worse by the fact that, in my trunk, hopefully, still rests my cherry red, knee-high leather boots. I will be actually more pissed about losing those than anything.

SPENCER: You mean the RNC didn't pay for them?

MEGAN: Damn, now I know what I have to do when I get back to D.C. I knew I should've done that before I left.

SPENCER: Save your receipts. Did you see Palin told Matt Lauer she never set foot in a Neiman Marcus? That's got to be disprovable, no?

MEGAN: Well, with all the reimbursements claimed by junior staff, that's probably technically accurate. What I was amazed about was that she's the first person I've read who has a combination of legitimate criticisms of her own campaign (failed to reach out to Latino voters), of the system itself (public financing wasn't enough money) and of the fact that it just wasn't a Republican year. No finger-pointing about towel-wearing, or being mishandled by aides or McCain's suspension or whatever, just a shrug, an honest assessment of the 3 things that really did hurt them and, one assumes, a tiny shrug. Compare that to the other histrionics on the right this week and I'm struggling to say why she shouldn't beat some of those people out in a race to be the new face of the party.

SPENCER: It's not that I don't want to be generous, but this does leave out something that the CNN exit polls found: a fair number of people who were sympathetic to McCain were turned off because of... Sarah Palin. There are deep structural reasons why the GOP coalition cracked this year, but there are also pivot points, and she's one of them. That's not to say that Tim Pawlenty or Bobby Jindal or Newt Gingrich would do a better job with this in 2012, since that all depends on four years' worth of unknowables, but she was a significant problem for them. And what I didn't get from Palin, or from McCain on the Tonight Show, or from Mark Salter in the Daily Beast is why the McCain campaign didn't, say, target southwestern Hispanics more.

MEGAN: The Tonight Show interview went on for so long, and still managed to cover so little ground, I was amazed. Also, I think McCain needs to stop saying that he's "proud" of Palin because it's creepy. That said, I think the problem with their Latino outreach was two-fold. First, they ran some pretty shitty Spanish language commercials trying to BS Latinos about Obama's record on immigration, which, of course, brought attention to their own. Second, they ran a base campaign, rather than trying to pull people into the base, which meant that the Rovian outreach to the Latino community was left by the wayside — probably why it's a crap idea to get a bunch of coastal Republicans to run your campaign. Third, in running the base-only campaign, they ended up having to run away from their own position on immigration, which meant the singular issue on which McCain had the ability to hold or even grow Bush's margins in the Latino community from 2004, he had to repudiate utterly in favor of supporting the No Amnesty Great Wall Of Southern Futility.

SPENCER: Right, and that's exactly the reality Palin's explanations paper over: running a base campaign in a non-GOP year is insanity. And that papers over a further reality, which is why they ran a base campaign, and the answer there is because the GOP is high on its own supply, and that's that they really believe that they're, in Sarah Palin's words, the "pro-America" faction of America. Sarah Palin wouldn't even be giving these explanations if McCain hadn't run a base campaign, because she wouldn't have been on the ticket. And there's your answer to why she's worse for the GOP in 2012: all she can offer is an intensification of the same formula of motivating GOP voters for the next election, and there aren't enough of them anymore to win. Which is why I say no one should get in the way of the GOP nominating Sarah Palin in four years.

MEGAN: Well, there have never been enough base voters in either party to win on base voters alone, which is partly why the Democrats this year were so enthusiastic about young voters because, as Peggy Noonan pointed out last week, the Democrats' margins among young voters could literally mean the loss of an entire generation for the GOP if the Dems can turn them out in 2010 and 2012 (they say if you vote for a party 3 times in a row from the get-go, you identify with that party for life). That said, I think a perfectly acceptable alternative to Democrats to Sarah Palin is Exorcizer-In Chief Bobby Jindal. That shit is cowsuit crazy! And you thought evangelical voters were tied in knots this time (let alone stupid and cowsuit crazy).

SPENCER: To paraphrase Shogun Assassin (h/t GZA's Liquid Swords LP), your slang technique... is... magnificent. Where does cowsuit crazy come from? I'm stealing it. An ex of mine recently said that she's been "busy as a chicken" lately, which is also a brilliant thing to say.

MEGAN: I prefer "running around like a chicken with its head cut off" to describe that state of affairs, but mostly because I like the violent imagery.

SPENCER: Don't dodge the cowsuit-crazy-etymology question? This is what people read this feature to learn.

MEGAN: I believe it originated here.

SPENCER: But on Jindal: Yglesias had a good post yesterday about how the budgetary stars aren't aligning in Louisiana for Jindal to accumulate the kind of record — even a thin one! — of achievements necessary to being a first-tier presidential candidate. Maybe the GOP field will really be that weak in 2011 and he'll have a good shot. But even if the world fucks Obama up, Jindal or whomever will still have to unseat a president, and that's tougher than an open race is.

MEGAN: Though Governor Bill Clinton of Arkansas did it in 1992. Although can you imagine the optics of an Indian man running for President against a black incumbent? This is the same country (and the same party) that didn't make McCain the 2000 nominee because his child of Bangledeshi origin was his "black baby."

SPENCER: I know — best South Carolina primary of all time!

MEGAN: Anyway, so, you wanna discuss how GWB has become such a lame duck that even other heads of state are like, whaddaya mean Obama isn't coming?

SPENCER: And was Bill Clinton's record really as thin as Jindal's (is likely to be)?

MEGAN: No, I don't think his record was that thin — though Jindal was a Congressman first — it was more the "small rural state" thing. In fact, I believe Ross Perot used the fact that there were more chickens than people in Arkansas at the time as a reason not to vote for him. So what's there more of in Louisiana than people?

SPENCER: Well not really but since you asked I guess we should. Podesta said that Obama is going to send emissaries to the G-20 but is holding to the one-president-at-a-time statement from the Friday press conference. Watch for whomever he sends to be leading contenders for cabinet or subcabinet positions. Also, I hear Obama is about to sign an executive order officially renaming the conference the G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-20 Conference, and you have to stress the last syllable of "twenty."

MEGAN: I mean, this 10 week lame duck shit is probably as inexplicable to people in Parliamentary democracies as the idea that the legislative and executive branches are separate.

SPENCER: Speaking of inexplicable, good luck dealing with a Queens impound lot!

MEGAN: This D.C.-based hangover case is trying to get pissed about something but all I can come up with is a sense of mild disgust that Cindy McCain cites Princess Di as an inspiration. I mean, I know between all her recipe-swiping and whatever that Cindy isn't the most creative person in the world but come on! Between this and Jackie O, can she choose more archetypes of the supportive-but-not-controversial wife to emulate to get her husband elected?
MOE: Wait, one sec, I forgot to tell you I'm doing DIRT BAG today. You know what that means? I fucking read TMZ and Page Six etc. etc. all morning. Apparently Janis Ian via David Geffen turned down an offer to do music for The Graduate. And that is what passes for a Page Six item on a Thursday in late June when Richard Johnson is on vacation!
MEGAN: Well, you go get dirrrty, I'll be here when you get back and not remotely envious of your gossip-reading.

MOE: Wait cindy mccain cites jackie as an inspiration? I thought that was Michelle's territory? And wasn't Jackie kind of controversial? Didn't she like, do drugs and give her daughters eating disorders and repress a full 90% of her emotions like all those beautiful icons of her generation??
MEGAN: Well, sure, but no one said anything about that until much later.

MEGAN: Anyway, we should probably totally talk about the whole North Korea thing briefly. Like, I sort of wonder if it's a good thing that all Kim Jong Il has to do is turn over some stuff detailed his weapons programs — without actually, you know, stopping them — and we're already lifting sanctions?

MOE: Well, what the fuck good have the sanctions done? How much thinner can they get in North Korea? I dunno…I kind of don't get the sense that we're dealing with a rational, logical guy in that Kim Jong Il. Maybe "engagement" would be kind of like the oil cleansing method of fighting breakouts. Like a "love bomb" on that show "Intervention."
MEGAN: Except that didn't we try that in the Clinton Administration? We offered them enticements, conducted negotiations and then Kim did what he wanted to do anyway which was get his hands on nukes. It's totally a no-win situation, but I guess I'm concerned in the medium- to long-term that allowing ourselves to be economically invested there could have negative repercussions on our foreign policy since it, you know, seemingly always does.

MOE: Has becoming economically interdependent with China had negative FP repercussions? I mean, sure you'll find lots of instances where that would be the case — the whole career of this guy, such as — and they haven't been exactly helpful when it comes to dealing with the DPRK, maybe some casino magnate can convince them to change their policy about sending North Korean border-crossers back to North Korea, but I'm trying to hone in on what you're saying with the "always does." Anyway in the case of North Korea is the big new concern their cooperation with Syria? I still haven't read the story. I'll do that now. Also we should maybe discuss child rapists and FISA.

MEGAN: I mean, in my mind, we find it really easy to take a hard foreign policy stand in countries where we have no economic interest or, in the case of the Iraq, where a hard foreign policy stand is aligned with our economic interests. Sometimes, like with Burma, that's probably a good thing, other times less so — agricultural competition and Cuba comes to mind, actually. But, yes, China was the example I was thinking of when saying our economic interests seemingly trump our foreign policy ones. Like, there's a whole army of lobbyists that will lobby for their companies' interests in China and strongly oppose any government action against China in a foreign policy sense that might interfere with that.

MOE: Oh god CHECK IT OUT we averted recession go us.
MEGAN: Well, we avoided it first quarter by just being anemic.
MEGAN: I'm not feeling the growth love.
MOE: Yeah I was being sarcastic but you know me.
MEGAN: Also, don't we all love how we live in an age where all kinds of information is at our fingertips, but economists still can only call it an official recession in retrospect 2 financial quarters later?

MOE: I think we should seal all aggregate economic data for a few years and come together as a nation to figure out what would really make everyone happier.
MEGAN: See, I actually wonder if it would even be possibly to determine that given our culture is so steeped in the idea that the ability to consume = happiness
MOE: Anyway, would you get in a time machine and, like, assassinate Kissinger before he had a chance to chill with Mao? Oh shit that reminds me I've got that Harper's somewhere with the amazing transcript of that. Because I wouldn't. Would I? Nah. I mean, it would be interesting.
MEGAN: I've watched and read too much SciFi to think that changing the past like that would be a good idea.
MEGAN: Anyway, so, wiretapping and child rapists?
MOE: Yeah I mean, I'm not really that interested in this fire and brimstone shit but Bobby Jindal is apparently like, okay, if you won't let us execute our child rapists I am going to have them CHEMICALLY CASTRATED. I'm almost afraid to click and find out what that meas.

MEGAN: Well, look, there are 5 states that have the law on the books now, but Louisiana was the first. Patrick Kennedy (poor, black) was the first child rapist ever given the death penalty in such a case, in 2003— but the law was passed in 1995
MOE: Oh man it's just Depo-Provera??
MEGAN: Yeah, mostly. Also, chemical castration doesn't solve the problem Chemically castrated rapists have offended again.
MEGAN: Plus, hello, life in prison?

MEGAN: Basically, the idea is that you can't get a boner or you can't ejaculate, but you can rape a person without a dick and Viagra can overcome Depo. Plus, it's rooted in the idea that rape is about sexual arousal, when when is at least as much about power and dominance.
MEGAN: So, if a rapist wants to show dominance, he doesn't need an erection. Lots of rapes are committed with objects (see:Joe Francis' rape).
MOE: Oh dude…uh speaking of dominance ?…WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE POLLS WHY DOES GALLUP SAY IT IS A TIE AND EVERYONE ELSE IS LIKE UH-UH OBAMA IS WINNNNING
MEGAN: Well, Gallup says it's within the margin of error, so they're not even sure it represents a change.
MEGAN: The Rasmussen standard is "likely" voters, while Gallup only asks registered voters.

MEGAN: The real mystery to me is the LA Times/Bloomberg poll which has Obama miles ahead but uses the registered voter standard.
MOE: No but like all the polls had Obama 12 points ahead, and then Gallup came out and declared a tie, but whatever I wanted to go back to the fact that, like, even if you isolate North Korea economically they have gotten really good at printing fake currency so that is a problem. Anyway, here's Condi Rice telling everyone how she decided to remove North Korea from the terror list. Nowhere does she say "they are not terrorists because LOOK THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN ALLAH" but you know that's the subtext.
MEGAN: Sure, counterfeiting our money to give to terrorists in exchange for stuff legit governments won't sell them: not terrorism. Because they're not Muslim.
MOE: Oh, well that's simple enough. Registered vs. likely, sure. Mystery solved.
MEGAN: Also, back to the LA Times poll, they included Barr (3%) and Nader (4%), both coming mostly from McCain voters. Also, the LA Times poll is the only one with that large a margin, the Rasmussen and Gallup are both within each other's margins of error.
MEGAN: Also, it appears that the LA Times poll asked about isues and party affiliation, which would naturally affect responses. Gallup just asks "who you gonna vote for."

MEGAN: So, like, to me, that would indicate that in a knee-jerk reaction poll, they're more even but when voters are asked to think about the issues and with whom they agree and what is most important to them issues-wise, Obama does waaaaay better. Which is really interesting.
MEGAN: Yes, I did take statistical methodology as part of my major in Sociology, why do you ask?
MOE: Wait, ADD time, back to the Supreme Court death penalty decision and how it maybe reflects a shift on how the Court views executing people.

Justice Kennedy's majority opinion includes striking comments indicating possible skepticism about the entirety of capital punishment jurisprudence. In a remarkable statement, he says that the court's extensive body of death-penalty case law "is still in search of a unifying principle." That's a pretty bold statement about the whole project. And consider this statement by Kennedy today: "When the law punishes by death, it risks its own sudden descent into brutality, transgressing the constitutional commitment to decency and restraint."

MEGAN: Well, that goes along with the statement in the majority opinion that taking the death penalty off the table to child rapists reflect shifting social values about the death penalty.
MEGAN: That, like, since the standard for "cruel and unusual" changes over time as society changes, so does the Constitutionality of the punishment. I'm okay with that.

MOE: Me too! I think I'm also okay with Karl Rove calling out Obama's "alpha male attitude." Because, LOL!

Mr. Obama's alpha-male attitude was evident even as he stumbled towards and over the primary finish line. First, his campaign announced in May it was talking to Patti Solis Doyle after Sen. Clinton fired her as campaign manager. This served only to pour salt in the Clintons' wounds.

MEGAN: Right, because most politicians and political operatives aren't Type A personalities AT ALL.

MEGAN: But I guess Karl is himself a little more passive-aggressive, and if Bush really did fire him in church so he couldn't make a scene, so is Bush, so maybe Karl's just too used to passive-aggressivity to view assertiveness as anything other than hyper-aggressive?
MEGAN: WAIT oh my God, Karl Rove is everyone I date.
MOE: Um, also how did I miss Obama dissing Scarlett Johansson, (which Mickey Kaus deems "inexplicably clumsy," somewhat inexplicably, since he cops to having watched her video, and like, hello.)

MEGAN: Ummm, I would guess it has a lot more to do with downplaying the black man-white woman vaguely flirtatious suggestion aspect of it.
MOE: Ya think???
MEGAN: Which is just sad.
MOE: Interesting Spiegel piece on Why Russia Is Risking Another Cold War by amping up its military might. The answer seems to be that it isn't, but Putin talks a good game.
MEGAN: Well, who would they have a Cold War with? We're all into hot wars now, and really only in terrorist-sponsoring states that just happen to be Muslim and don't have nukes and shit.

MEGAN: Obama, by the way, is flip-flopping on the DC gun ban since he's trying to win swing states and the Supreme Court is expected to throw it out today.
MOE: Ugh and what the fuck was up with FISA?
MEGAN: The security of the American people trumps their need to protect (i.e., sue over) their right to privacy. He managed to combine a Republican argument on the supreme importance of national security with an implied Republican argument on tort reform. Plus, he can't look soft on terrorism or something and the Democrats have collectively decided to cave on telecomm immunity because they like having Bush scratch their bellies.

MOE: Oh here, they threw it out. Yay.
MEGAN:

Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for four colleagues, said the Constitution does not permit "the absolute prohibition of handguns held and used for self-defense in the home."

MOE: Scalia wrote the opinion. 5-4 decision. Can't wait to read!

MEGAN: You can right here, if you want.

MOE: I guess we need to start this now. Peggy Noonan

And they were on the right side, connected to the one making the breakthrough, shattering the glass. They were going to be part of breaking it into a million little pieces that could rain down softly during the balloon drop at the historic convention, each of them catching the glow of the lights. Some network reporter was going to say, "They look like pieces of the glass ceiling that has finally been shattered."
I know: Barf. But also: Fine. Politics should be fun.

MOE: This could sorta be an R. Kelly song:

You want to say "Girl, butch up, you are playing in the leagues, they get bruised in the leagues, they break each other's bones, they like to hit you low and hear the crack, it's like that for the boys and for the girls."

MEGAN: My dad's nickname is Butch. Also, wtf is with the overwrought imagery today, Peggy? And why is there a crazy loud motorcycle idling outside my window?

MOE: I'm sure at this point, Peggy Noonan has a programmable robot supplying her with the day's overwrought imagery but that glass ceiling line seems like it might have come old school from her own pen…and I suppose we could talk about Hagee although if it's not newsworthy enough to occupy a minute on the fair and balanced network…
MEGAN: I love, by the way, that calling the Catholic Church the "great whore" and suggesting that Katrina was punishment for not being assholes to gay people was totally acceptable to the campaign, but suggesting that Hitler was sent by God to drive the Jews to Palestine which is needed to bring about the rapture is the thing that gets Hagee the boot. Jews in Florida that don't like Obama? This one's for you.

MOE: One thing I wondered reading fucking Michael Gerson (why did I do that?) this morning is whether the Republicans, when they are skewering Obama's ability to win over these guys:

Tough hill-country men voted for her, men so backward they'd give the lady a chair in the union hall. Tough Catholic men in the outer suburbs voted for her, men so backward they'd call a woman a lady. And all of them so naturally courteous that they'd realize, in offering the chair or addressing the lady, that they might have given offense, and awkwardly joke at themselves to take away the sting. These are great men. And Hillary got her share, more than her share, of their votes.

…ever stop mid-sentence and say to themselves, "Oh yeah…Reagan Democrats…we sure rendered those guys economically extinct!"
'
MEGAN: Oh, wait, and while he's making his point he gets to make an offhand slap at all us snotty little feminists, too, who think that men that give up seats for us are terrible human beings. Actually, Mikey, I wouldn't take the seat because that guy's probably been on his feet all day (and I worked in a factory, so I know how much that sucks even when you're 19) and he's probably as old as my dad and I would think it rude of me to accept even though it would be nice of him to offer. And I'll bet my dad, a union member who occasionally attends Catholic church with my mom and lives in a rural area, voted for Obama.
MOE: Eugene Robinson quotes the Talking Heads today.
MEGAN: Is it sad that I saw that headline and my reptile brain started singing "What a Girl Wants"?
MOE: Oh sorry that quote was from Noonan, who was actually writing about sexism.

Where to begin? One wants to be sympathetic to Mrs. Clinton at this point, if for no other reason than to show one's range. But her last weeks have been, and her next weeks will likely be, one long exercise in summoning further denunciations. It is something new in politics, the How Else Can I Offend You Tour.

MEGAN: Um, ok, well, I take it back about Mikey.
MEGAN: But if she was actually saying that, I'm saying it to Peggy now. Also, the How Else Can I Offend You tour made me snicker a little.

MOE: "If only to show one's range" was pretty good.
MEGAN: So, is that what Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh have been doing? Showing their range?
MEGAN: Oooh, ooh, Parsley's got videos in which he's all spitting angry mad and bringing The Crazy, and they showed them just now on MSNBC, but I'm sure we'll never see them again
MOE: Oooh ooh tell me more about Parsley I'm too lazy to Google.
9:40 AM
MEGAN: He endorsed McCain like ages ago.
MOE: Also dude I think Coulter showed some range with the Hillary thing. Conservatives really do fucking hate McCain. Limbaugh was just being himself. Also a reader wants us to discuss Hillary as VP. Um…what's to discuss: maybe a "dream"…but not a pleasant one
MEGAN: He's totally crazy, and McCain just rejected him and his endorsement.
MEGAN: Oh, for Chrissakes, why would she give up a Senate seat? I get that Bill wants to be the VP's husband or something because he'll be more prominent and he lurves him some Executive Branch (having never served in the legislative one), but that would be stupid, to give up a lifetime Senate seat for VP. Al Gore showed it's no guarantee to the Presidency

MOE: It sounds horrible and bad to live through, like a piano fallen through a roof or something, but then there's also the part of me that perceives the election through some internal amiable-but-reflexively-anti-"Liberal" angry white man Obama Needs To Win and he just hates it on basic "What the shit, a black guy running with a woman now? What are we trying to prove here?" terms. It's illogical, because she's actually just about the most qualified candidate and on some level not picking her to be VP might be sexist, but it's also not why she would be a nightmare running mate.
MEGAN: She would be a nightmare running mate because she wouldn't be a running mate, she'd garner as much if not more media attention. It would be a co-ticket, or certainly perceived that way, and I can't imagine her wanting to be second banana so I can't think that she'd allow herself to play that role (and good for her).
MEGAN: And, by that role, I mean, she wouldn't allow herself to recede into the background even a little bit.
MEGAN: And she shouldn't, and she shouldn't be asked to. She'll be far more powerful in the Senate than she'll ever be as VP.
MOE: Hahaha McCain just promoted Obama to "young man" from his previous status of "boy."
MEGAN: Oh, good, someone finally explained to him that other people get the racist implications of that. Congrats, McCain staffers.

MOE: Well some "old hand" named Jim Johnson is apparently running Obama's veepstakes but you didn't hear that from me:

Democratic officials on Thursday discussed Mr. Johnson’s role on condition of anonymity because Mr. Obama had demanded that the process be kept secret and they did not want him to know they were talking about it. Advisers to Mr. Obama declined to discuss the search or any elements of the process.

Disciplined campaigns are totes boring.
MEGAN: Hahaha, I love how they're like, don't tell him we're talking about him, press!! I wonder if those "Democratic officials" are the same ones that inspired the story about Bill wanting Hillary to get it...

MOE: I meant to bring it back to the Jews again but now I've gotta post this fucking thing:

If Jews do flock to John McCain this fall, Obama would be in some trouble (assuming, of course, that Hillary Clinton doesn't win the nomination through a miracle more impressive than the one commemorated every year at Hanukkah); a strong majority of Jewish voters has gone Democratic in presidential elections since 1924. Jews have favored the Democrat in 21 straight presidential elections, and by an average margin of 3-to-1.

MEGAN: Well, but we've never had a Muslim running before.
MOE: WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY! Ooooh guess what percentage of Florida is Jewish?
MEGAN: Well, since my grandparents moved back to upstate New York, can I say 100?

MOE: Five.

But a Gallup poll last month — in the midst of the Wright drama — found Obama beating McCain 61-32 among Jewish voters, a far wider margin than among the population as a whole. While that's lower than John Kerry's 76 percent margin among Jews (and 5 points lower than the 66 percent Hillary Clinton got in the same poll), Obama's campaign isn't worried about making up the difference by November. "If we're beating McCain 2-1 after 'Obama is a Muslim' scares and a month of Rev. Wright, then we're doing pretty well," one aide said.

MEGAN: So he needs to get 75% of 5% of the population to win the state or something? Jesus Christ, people, this is what happens when nobody votes, stupid shit like this matters.

• Hillary's push to seat Michigan and Florida despite Harold Ickes' vote to sanction the two states for holding their primaries early: breathtaking cynicism or heroic self-sacrifice? [TPM]
• McCain rejected the endorsement of that pastor who called the Catholic Church "the great whore." I'm not getting something here. I mean, sure, everyone knows by now that "whore" is a slur suggestive of misogyny, but the "Great Sex Worker" just lacks a certain ring, you know? [CNN]
• Anyway devout Catholic Bobby Jindal isn't letting the whole mess keep him away from McCain's running mate race! He's hanging out this weekend at the ranch with Charlie Crist (yikes! too much skin cancer for one presidential ticket!) and Mitt Romney. It's so Apprentice of them! And like, Bobby could tell the story of that time he witnessed an exorcism in the confessional…[AP]
• Abstinence education: Ted Kennedy's brain tumor was probably caused by herpes. [Radar]

• 62% of Americans think the government should tax the wealthy more and 78% of them think the income gap is too wide. By my estimate that's pretty much anyone with a household income less than $78,000. Fascinatingly, countries that already tax the rich a whole lot like Japan and Germany are more favorable to the whole notion while countries with less-developed social services like China and Italy are more skeptical. If you are familiar with common ethnic stereotypes and/or the work of my old professor Francis Fukuyama this will make total sense. [WSJ]

MOE: So Megan. Would you like to have a discussion of the gas tax holiday? Because you aren't the only person who is riled up about

"That might not mean much to my opponent, but I think it means a lot to people who are struggling here, people who commute a long way to work, farmers and truckers," Clinton said. She has called for a windfall tax on oil companies to pay for a gas tax holiday.
"Senator Obama won't provide relief, while Senator McCain won't pay for it," Clinton said. "I'm the only candidate who will provide immediate relief at the pump, with a plan."

"At best, this is a plan that would save you pennies a day for the summer months; that is, unless gas prices are raised to fill in the gap, which is just what happened in Illinois, when we tried this a few years ago," he said.
Meanwhile, unless you can magically impose a windfall profits tax on oil companies overnight to pay for the holiday, it could imperil federal highway funding, and cost Indiana more than 6,000 jobs.

MEGAN: I mean, it's just SO STUPID that I am dumbfounded that people buy this. Like, so, so stupid. So, she's proposing a permanent tax increase on the oil companies to fund a temporary gas tax holiday — even though, hello? Raising oil company taxes means that they will raise gas prices because gas demand is practically inelastic. Also, a gas tax holiday (were it to actually do anything to lower prices) would benefit the people that can afford to have really big, gas-guzzling cars and live in big houses in the suburbs more than those of us who have small, fuel efficient cars that we hardly drive even when we have real jobs. Plus, it takes away money from highway spending, busts the budget, yadda yadda and it's like a preview of Clinton II because no one panders to Reagan Republicans quite like a Clinton (cough, welfare reform, DOMA, don't-ask-don't-tell, cough).
MEGAN: Also, ethanol subsidies, like ethanol tariffs, are going nowhere. But, it is amusing that the corn growers trumped the oil companies (and their favorite oxygenate, MTBE) in Washington due to the stupidity of the oil companies.
MOE: Sing it, sister! What about this new poll saying Americans don't really give a shit about Jeremiah Wright, proving once again that Peggy Noonan, who does "not feel a sense of honest anger or violation at his remarks"can channel the public sentiment of America sort of like ...Bobby Jindal's old platonic girlfriend can channel Satan! (How is that for a segue???)
MEGAN: I don't think one can ever have a good segue into a story about exorcism, but that's as good a one as any. Also, reading that story I actually thought, Hmmm, wow, no wonder everyone is talking about him as VP. He seems so normal but he brings that delish Christ-y crazy that the righties love.

MOE: SRSLY OMG
MOE: OMG OMG.
MOE: First of all I have to credit Christian for noticing that on the Wikipedia and sending it to me and I have to thank you for paying the $1.50 since I, for the second time in the past fortnight, lost my credit card.
MEGAN: I love the word fortnight. Also, a former roommate with a similar habit made up for it by always memorizing her card number.
MOE: Today Bill Kristol examines the Bobby Jindal phenomenon. Apparently "no fewer than four" — does that mean possibly more than four? Or was that just no fewer than three excess words added to the word count Bill? — but anyway, no fewer than four McCain staffers are hyping the 36-year-old Louisiana governor, who converted to Catholicism from Hinduism as a youth, as a possible veep. He is old enough to be too old for Meghan McCain and young enough to be too young for Cindy. Oh yes and he was a Rhodes scholar like Bill Clinton. But let's not bury the lede here. He once had a very good friend named Susan...
MEGAN: Who had a tumor, but it was really a manifestation of her demonic possession.
MEGAN: Because, really, what tumor isn't just a symptom of possession by demons brought on by a roommate whose relative is a Hmong healer?
MEGAN: Or a mother who left something at a non-Christian shrine 30 years ago.
MOE: Right her mother prayed to a PAGAN SHRINE.
MEGAN: Also, if I can be Barack for a minute — you know, elitist — only in Louisiana would this guy be elected governor. No wonder he published this shit somewhere that one has to pay $1.50 to read it.

MEGAN: Also, Morning Joe wants us to know that Bill Clinton made 2 people faint at rallies this weekend. Maybe he's the devil, too?
MOE: Okay so there's this story in the New Oxford Review — which is, I guess, affiliated with Oxford University, and to which he has contributed numerous pieces about his faith over the years. The New Oxford Review's mission statement reads thusly:

HAVE YOU THE GUTS? Yes, many hate us. Ah, but they also fear us. That's why many others love us. If you hunger for the red meat of Catholicism, subscribe! (No bozos or sissies, please.)

MOE: Here's how it starts:

Though she had not said anything, I knew something was wrong. Susan and I had developed an intimate friendship; indeed, our relationship mystified observers, who insisted on finding a romantic component where none existed. I called her after the University Christian Fellowship (UCF) meeting — UCF is an Inter-Varsity Christian group composed of undergraduate and graduate students. Though the interdenominational group's weekly program of songs and prayers had produced the usual emotional high among most members, Susan had left the meeting in a very sullen mood. I asked her to join a group of us who were attending a Christian a cappella concert to be held on campus that same evening.

When we finally reached her dorm room, I promptly sat Susan on a bed and placed myself in a chair located several feet across the room. This physical arrangement was hardly conducive to the love and support I was supposed to be providing, but I was too scared and unsure of myself to get any closer.

They considered skin cancer a minor affliction, something that affects those whose vanity causes them to tan in the sun too long. The only friend who expressed concern was worried about the possibility of contagious cancerous cells.

MEGAN: But, I love that Mr. Used-to-be-a-bio-major doesn't use the word.
MOE: Okay, so, he touches her and she feels better.

During Susan's next wave of tears, I found myself putting my arm around her to provide both physical and emotional support. We were soon sitting on the bed next to each other, and I told her a fairy tale. Instead of tackling all of her problems at once, we took each individual concern — e.g., upcoming finals — and magically solved it. Her problems began to seem insignificant and our ability to overcome adversity soon assumed heroic proportions. We were soon laughing, and despair was definitely vanquished, at least for the night. We were both startled to find my arm around her shoulder, but she asked that I continue to hold her for just a few moments longer. I happily complied and we embraced her problems away; along with my soothing words, the simple gesture of a hug was enough to bring peace to Susan's heart for one night.

Susan did not show up at the cafeteria at our agreed upon time and made little effort to warn me of the scheduling conflict that caused her absence. This inconvenience, minor under normal circumstances, proved to be the starting point of an intense struggle of wills...Waiting for an apology, I refused to talk with Susan for a week. She decided I was being silly and refused to admit any error on her part. Somehow, we finally searched deep and found the maturity to discuss our differences.

I had recently heard a priest confidently proclaim that the Bible's words on such phenomena were never meant to be interpreted literally; he had historical evidence that incidents involving spirits were merely metaphors for tangible events.

I left the room we were in for a moment, on some flimsy pretense, made the sign of the cross in desperation, and pleaded with God for divine assistance. Seconds after I re-entered the room, Susan angrily lashed out at me, telling me she never wanted to talk with me again since I did not love her, and ran out in tears. I tried following her, to no avail. I did not understand what I had done. All I could think was, "Gee, thanks God. So much for prayer."

MEGAN: Right, I mean, as long as he wanted her to be happy and asked God and shit, everything should've been okay. What a selfish bitch, wanting human interaction rather than a deep and meaningful relationship with God.
MOE: So anyway, a few weeks pass and she's about to have an operation and they're all gonna pray on it etc. etc. etc. when it is revealed that Susan only wants sex with Bobby because SHE IS POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL.

In a voice I had never heard before or since, Susan accused me: "Bobby, you cannot even love Susan." Before I even noticed the sound of her voice, I thought it funny that Susan would refer to herself in the third person. Then the full impact of the words hit me. Forgetting the frantic students around me and even poor Susan lying on the floor, I thought of our conversation the day before. The real argument had been whether I was capable of loving Susan. I needed the answer to be yes, more for my sake than ours. I have always been a closed and relatively unemotional person and needed to know that my best friend felt that I at least could love her, due to some very strong remarks made two years before by my former girlfriend (hardly an objective source), I was beginning to doubt that I had the capacity for feeling.

MEGAN: Well, I would doubt that he has the capacity to express feeling, is that the same thing?
MOE: I love this sooooo so much.
MOE: Okay so at this point we should also point out that they had been smelling the sulphuric odor of the devil in Susan's dormroom but didn't think too much of it. Anyway, so she's writing on the floor and they're all trying to exorcise her, and for a brief beautiful moment Jindal loses his faith in Christ. And then Susan runs for the door and only Alice feels like chasing her.
MOE: It is at this moment that Jindal begins questioning his misogyny!
MEGAN: Also, why the fuck did no one think to call, like, a motherfucking ambulance?
MEGAN: Girl's got a tumor on her head, starts seizing and speaking in voices and no one goes, um, doctor? They all go running for a fucking pastor for an exorcism.

MOE:

Alice's presence countered Susan's recent burst of energy, and Alice's confidence inspired us all. Surely Crusade's experienced leader would be able to rescue us and reaffirm our faith in Christ, the Bible, and everything good. Even I felt confident enough to approach God once again; Susan's lunge for the door awakened and invigorated me. Strangely, I found myself repeating the Hail Mary until it became a chant. Being a recent convert to Catholicism, I had yet to accept the Catholic doctrines concerning Mary and considered any form of Marian devotion to be idolatry. Though I had never before prayed a Hail Mary in my life, I suddenly found myself incapable of any other form of prayer.

Susan stayed in the house of a missionary with experience in spiritual warfare in foreign countries. Her sister thought it best she stay out of her own room. Susan's roommate, the daughter of a Hmong faith healer, had decorated the room with supposedly pagan influences. Other theories explaining the night's events soon surfaced. Susan's mother had once worshipped and offered a sacrifice at a pagan altar in the Far East for her husband's health, though he had been healed, she had been warned not to repeat such practices, but had returned to that same altar in the Far East upon hearing of Susan's illness. The UCF staff member dismissed Susan's affliction as a psychological disorder, precipitated by the semester's stress, and advised her to seek professional help. Susan, who had experienced visions and other related phenomena as a child, thought her intense flirting with guys and straying away from God had led to this punishment.

MEGAN: Be thankful you don't still live here- it's still sleeting this morning.
MOE: it's sooooooo gross outside
MEGAN: It is here too! I was planning on leaving the house today initially, but I don't think I care to anymore.
MOE: So .... did you vote yesterday?
or no, right? bc you're unaffiliated?
I wonder who my GRANDMA voted for... Obama won our elderly. She can't really see how cute the Obama family is on account of macular degeneration, but if she could she'd think they were very Kennedy-esque.
MEGAN: Well, I know my grandpa didn't vote for Obama in NY, and my dad couldn't. I can't see my mom going for Clinton, but I'll bet my gramma did.
And, no, I didn't vote yesterday.
MOE: My brother and mom both went for Obama, I haven't heard from my dad yet but knowing him he wrote in "Alan Keyes"... and if my sister actually got her ass to the polls in contrast to 2004 she definitely voted for Obama. So yeah, he won my family by huge margins. But here is what kind of fucks with my head a little: exactly why is it that Hillary did so poorly in Virginia, and that was, you know, "expected." I see the Clintons being slightly unpopular inside the Beltway by people who want an end to dynastic rule or whatever, but I'm pretty sure she managed to win DC whites, because she won 24% of the vote there and the population is only like 20% white, right? So that sort of insider ennui is a figment of my imagination/wishful thinking I guess. So I ask again, why did she lose so bad? Why was turnout so fucking huge? This is the state in which I grew up. It is a red state. What's going on?
Oh my god I just went to Drudge go quick and look at the picture in the right column...
MEGAN: Wait, the puppy? Or do you mean the Clinton/Thatcher mash-up? And who the hell has such a hard-on for Margaret Thatcher that he remembers her outfits?
Oh, wait, Drudge. Right.
MOE: THE PUPPY
IT IS WINKING
IT IS WINKING AT THE AUDIENCE
MEGAN: That motherfucking dog is so damn cute. They've been running video of his win on CNN all morning.
MOE: I just turned on CNN.
I've been overdosing on it lately.
So it seems like the Clinton spin is that Obama's huge margins came from a Potomac region swept away by the momentum because, you know, they've actually been paying attention.
MEGAN: Anyway, on Obama, CNN exit polls, 22 percent of people voting in Virginia's Dem primary identified at independent and they went 2/3s for Obama. But, they're not trusting their own polling numbers on Republicans, which say that 3 percent of Democratic primary voters identified as Republicans and they all went for Obama.
MOE: Well that was my little brother's theory — and it explains why Huckabee did pretty well.
MEGAN: I thought it was kind of crappy last night, actually, that she couldn't find 2 seconds in her 30 minute speech in El Paso to congratulate Obama, especially when Obama got to Wisconsin and made his crowd cheer for McCain's hero-ness.
I think Huckabee did really well in the places in Virginia the rest of us are scared to go.
And, unofficial results would seem to prove my completely bigoted view correct.
MOE: Ooooh, and speaking of bigoted views, Ed Rendell just took credit for garnering Pennsylvania's racist vote in his gubernatorial campaign. I just bolded that for some variety.
Did you just watch that skateboarding video on CNN?
It was disturbing.
MEGAN: I did, they have been replaying that shit every 15 minutes all morning. I felt like I was back home listening to it.
But, where I grew up, nothing would've happened to the cop.
MOE: He was such a dick.
I mean, on a level that was totally preposterous and that they totally loved. But at least now we know why Ron Paul is so beloved by the high school boy contingent.
MEGAN: I smell bacon!
MOE: Until they knock up their girlfriends that is.
MEGAN: That does tend to change the conservative male psyche, and not in the "I'm always going to use condoms forever and ever amen" kind of way.
MOE: Here's something funny: Huckabee won 17% of DC's Republicans. I would really like to know who those 17% were...
MEGAN: I don't think those people would be safe if other people knew who they were. On the other hand, I heard total turnout for the Republican primary in DC was 4,000, so that's only like 700 people. Is there a megachurch in DC? Do that many McLean Bible Church attendees live in the District?
MOE: SEVEN HUNDRED WHOLE HUCKABEE VOTERS?
One of the VA commenters blamed the Latins actually. She was at her polling place and overheard some women talking about how they were voting for "el christiano."
MEGAN: Shout out to JD Regent! I saw that! It made me wonder... who do they think the other candidates worship? Other than power and their own egos, of course.
MOE: SRSLY. That said I discovered the other day that Huckabee's Fair Tax is actually advocated by an economic adviser to Mike Gravel and some Naderites are trying to get the left to embrace it. I would say DC probably has more aggressively counterintuitive Naderite IRS abolisher types than it does typical Bible gut Jesus freak types.
MEGAN: Oh, Jesus, I have commented on the Flat/Fair Tax people before but let me do so again: they've all got The Crazy. Also, their Fair Tax plans make it easier to cheat on your taxes and aren't progressive, but whatever, I'm sure that's not totally why they want to do it.
But, you've right, there are at least 700 of them in DC.
MOE: Whoa Robert Gates slipped on ice. I just did that. And foreclosures are up! I'm sorta glad I turned on CNN but it's making me kinda ADD
MEGAN: Look at how the blue set shines off of Ali Velschi's chrome dome.
It's very Max Headroom'y
MOE: Wow Detroit's foreclosure rate is as bad as Stockton, California's. Detroit actually convinced people to buy its real estate? Man, I'm sorry Motown. You get it all kinds of rough..
OH yeah should we mention Roger Clemens? I have nothing to say about Roger Clemens bc didn't know who he is.
MEGAN: Well, it's good to know that I can turn the TV off at 10:00 when wall-to-wall coverage of his hearing starts.
He's a hopped-up-on-roids baseball player who, unlike the rest of 'em, got caught.
MOE: Hey, speaking of performance enhancing drugs I haven't taken mine this morning and I'm really dying but what I really meant to talk to you about was.
Who McCain will ask to be his running mate
MEGAN: I love, btw, how Pawlenty is all "NOT ME! NOT ME!"
Toomey's full of shit and just naming his friends.
And, um, his major donors, BTW
MOE: You know, they talk about presidential names but it's kinda sad if your name isn't even VICE presidential sounding. Bobby Jindal? Tim Tawplenty? Anyway, for people like me who didn't know who any of these people are, Mark Sanford and Tim Pawlenty and Bobby Jindal are governors (duh) of South Carolina, Minnesota and Louisiana respectively.
MEGAN: I've been hearing Kay Bailey's name and Liddy Dole, but they're generally recognized as, um, not great brain trusts. I don't see them getting along wiht McCain that well.
(Senators from Texas and South Carolina).
Bobby Jindal would be a good choice- he got the good old boys in Louisiana to vote for him, but he'd be stupid to take it.
I'm still curious why no one has said Rick Perry.
(Governor of Texas).
MOE: Can you rank these people from most/least offensive?
MEGAN: Define "offensive"
They're all likely to be more conservative than McCain
MOE: Really?
MEGAN: I guess maybe Charlie Crist would be the least offensive, but he's dogged by those pesky gay rumors and won't get it.
Here's a right wing run-down of who they want to see.