This week: the female pre-ejaculator- and how far you can take sex for vanity's sake.

Dear Aretha & Susie,

Here's the thing: I've realized I haven't figured out sex yet.

I've never had an orgasm. All I want to do is make my boyfriend happy, put him in blissy-eyed nirvana, and impress him with my tight body. I like it but it's vanity – I want to be a good lay for him. Sex from the female perspective bores me. I can't imagine physical pleasure that would be appealing for its own sake.

This has its downside. I secretly will my boyfriend to come as soon as possible so we can stop. If I don't feel pretty, I can't get aroused. I can't masturbate – after all, there's nobody to impress if I'm alone.

When I was growing up, I was a "brain" and boys didn't notice me. Now men do notice me- and I like it- but I'm ashamed how badly I've come to need their attention.

I'm sure some of this will go away over time (I'm 21 and I've only slept with one person) but I could use a little help. My boyfriend has actually asked me to enjoy his body more. He wants me to ask him to do things for me, but I just can't. I want to be wanted- terribly, fearfully- and I have no goddamn idea what I want myself.

M'aidez! I'm so tired of being sexually dependent.

-Unblissed

Aretha: It's time to brain-wash yourself the other way around.

Here's the thing: Your boyfriend wants you to get off. Period! Men think it's AROUSING when women enjoy themselves in bed. It sounds like he's already been dropping you hints.

Susie: They're more than hints. Your BF is desperate. Did he write this letter for you?

Most lovers find it so difficult to ask for anything in bed, that if it rises to the level of a kind request, you can be sure he's been obsessing about it for hours, wondering how to break the ice.

Aretha: Have you told your boyfriend your feelings or is it a secret?

Susie: He'd find it enlightening to hear what you told us. Could you bring yourself to confide in him? Not in bed, but with your clothes on and all your wits about you.

This isn't going to disappear. Even your vanity is boring you. You're faced with deciding if this fellow is a treasure to cherish - or if you're moving onto the next "impressionable" young thing. Without your own pleasure, the superficial ego strokes are going to seem more and more paltry.

Aretha: You say that you can't find ANY physical pleasure that would be appealing, just for YOU.

What about... if your boyfriend gave you a massage? Or made you something delicious to eat?

Both of those things are also physical sensations that make you feel good, just like sex. Think of that the next time you're in bed with him. I know it can be hard to receive "the goods" when you're used to being the giver- so start small.

The next time you two are in bed, don't think, "And now… I am going to FORCE myself to HAVE AN ORGASM." Instead, ask your BF to give you a nice back rub or something before the sex even starts and you go into your "mode."

Let yourself be "treated," whether it's sexually, physically, or emotionally. In general, boyfriends LIKE to take care of their girlfriends and make them feel good, sexy, secure.

Susie: You've got one of those good ones in your bed right now.

I reviewed a book recently about a young woman's search for orgasm. Her disdain and cheeky humor about "not getting it" was all too familiar.

I wrote, "What does this lack of female orgasm mean? Is it like missing the Grand Tour of Europe - or the crosstown bus? Is it overrated?

"The young author got one lucid answer from an expert she queried, who's also a colleague of mine- Dr. Rae Larson.

"'People overvalue orgasm,' Larson told her. "They go looking for an orgasm instead of pleasure. Look for pleasure first; that will lead you to where you want to go.'"

I'm not going to twist your arm and tell you about masturbation, the clitoral body, and the wonders of sexual self-knowledge. You are obviously a well-read cookie.

Instead, find out what gives you a thrill. There is nothing boring about that. I don't care if it's pole-dancing, swimming in open water, bad porn, or jumping out of an airplane. You find out what makes your heart race, what makes you euphoric, what makes you involuntarily wet- and the orgasm will simply show up, a nervous system response to a well-lubricated limbic system.

Dear Aretha & Susie,

I have a frustrating sexual problem that masquerades as a blessing. I enjoy sex with my boyfriend of three years, and am able to orgasm every time. The problem is that I usually come in the first few minutes.

After this first orgasm, I just feel "done." It doesn't hurt to continue, but I lose interest in sex and my body seems to shut down to further stimulation. I've tried delaying my orgasm, but after penetration, there's only so long I can control myself without going down the path to orgasm.

While I can be perfectly happy with two-minute sex, my guy has stamina and wants to continue. He understands when I ask to stop- and he'll get off another way- but this mismatch in our timing makes it hard to stay connected during sex.

I'd also like to experience longer-lasting sex myself without a premature orgasm getting in the way. It's common to hear of men dealing with this problem, but as a woman, I don't know why I can't last during sex -or how come I can't keep going after my first orgasm.

What's the deal?

One-Minute Woman

Aretha: Huh. Interesting.

I have random ideas of what could help… and a lot of questions!

After you come, are "done" for the hour, or are you "done" for the day? Do you notice that you come quicker or slower depending on how often you and your boyfriend have sex? Do you ever masturbate and come BEFORE you have partner sex?

Have you tried different positions? Maybe something different that you normally don't do would help you last longer. Have you tried putting a pack of ice on your vagina? (Just kidding).

Susie: The icepack would definitely do it! I love this question. Men and women are so similar- and we're usually so focused on minute differences, we miss the big picture.

Women who are familiar with their lover and know what they like, often find that coming fast is easy. Too easy. You're confronted with the fact that you, Miss Considerate, feel like pushing the dude off of you, wham-bam-thank-you-m'am. We can all be selfish piggies.

Like any guy facing this question, you have to ask yourself, "Do I give a darn?"

There is some self-interest involved… as Aretha said, you can tease out the foreplay, a little variety, and drive yourself delightfully crazy. Make yourself beg for it before you give in… this can lead to some fun scenarios.That's what most women do in this situation. Doing algebra or baseball stats in your head is a little more perverse.

Or perhaps you'd like to give yourself wiggle room on the other end. You might not feel like doing ANYTHING in the first five minutes after coming, but try doubling or tripling that. When you come again, it will probably be slower but it might be more intense.

You've been with this guy for three years. You've probably laughed about being a "premie," or talked about it seriously at times. Furthermore, he must SEE what he does that drives you over the edge. Maybe he likes it that way, if he's so quick to oblige.

I would ask him, knowing each other as you do, what have been the best times for him, when it "clicked," timing-wise. Maybe you'll be surprised to compare answers.

No matter what you come up with, don't forget to reserve the special occasions for you to fly off the handle and start snoring in post-orgasmic slumber. How could anyone deny you that, every once in a while? I stand with you, in premature sisterhood.

Susie and Aretha Update!:

Susie has a new book out, Bitten: Dark Erotic Stories.

She is clasping to her breast a review by Greta Christina that says: "Bitten is almost completely compelling. Like, "reading it raptly until 2 in the morning, then masturbating as quietly as I can because I don't want to wake my partner but won't be able to fall asleep with these stories in my head until I do"- compelling."

And Aretha? She just started her first semester at university and the remote mike shorted out on her during the extra-credit question period in a 750-student sex education class.

The question was: "Species-wide, what makes females "female" and males "male"? Is it...

a) that males have testes and females don't

b) that females lactate and males don't

c) that males possess the "xy" chromosome and females the "xx"

d) that males have small gametes and females have large gametes

or

e) that females prefer monogamy more than males

Aretha would like you to know that eight students picked (e).

HOWEVER! The first EIGHT Jez readers who answer this question correctly, (no cheating!) win an autographed copy of Bitten. Mail your answer (and your snail mail address so we can ship it) RIGHT NOW to: sexperts@jezebel.com.

• OMG: Rachel Zoe has been disinvited from the Anna Wintour-hosted Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Gala, taking place Monday night in New York. This is what you get when you tempt the gods and proclaim yourself more important than Vogue. [Fashion Week Daily]
  
• Also, Wintour has instructed Vogue staffers that they may only wear white, silver, or other "pale shades." Just like the colors of faces that she likes to see on her magazine's cover! [Fashion Week Daily]
  
• French Vogue editor-in-chief Carine Roitfeld and designer/Chanel creative director "Krazy" Karl Lagerfeld were both named to the Time 100 List, as influential members of the fashion community. Something about the way they both made fashion about "the street" or something. [Vogue UK]
  
• Gisele Bundchen is still the top-paid model, according to Forbes. Heidi Klum is the second. Take that, Moss. [Sassybella]

• Agyness Deyn: The mannequin. [BlackBook]
• The Rogan for Target collection is also going to be sold at Barneys. Which is not Target at all. [WSJ]
• Steve & Barry's is going to be shilling Sex and the City movie merchandise, which will be licensed for the store under Sarah Jessica Parker's "Bitten" label. [Sassybella]
• Uh oh: Seems the women behind the red carpet label Marchesa are having a bit of a tiff. While Georgina Chapman and Keren Craig used to be knows as the label's "co-designers", their titles have been changed on their website: Chapman is now listed as "designer" and Craig is noted as "co-founder." [Page Six]
• Dockers: Trying to reach out to the hip and the young. LOL. [MediaPost]
• Christian Siriano: Designed a dress for Puma. [Chic Report]
• Helena Christensen on why she loves photographer Peter Lindbergh: "Even when I looked pretty funny back in the day with my baby fat, perm, and hippie clothes, he put me on the cover of British Vogue!" Oh, models. [Fashion Week Daily]
• The latest beauty tool you didn't know you needed: An eyelash comb. [BellaSugar]
• The Versace resort in Dubai is... sorta exactly what you would expect a Versace resort in Dubai to be. [Chic Report]
• Diane von Furstenberg, Dolce & Gabbana, Oscar de la Renta, Akira Isogawa, the members of Coldplay, Jeff Koons, Philippe Starck and Tory Burch have all been asked to create "themes" for iGoogle's new customized homepage thingies. [Sassybella]
• Vanessa Paradis: The new face of Miu Miu? [Glaumrama]
• Calvin Klein went on a little field trip to Dubai last week. Blah blah, models behind plexiglass. The usual. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Jones New York: Stock is up, profits are down. The usual. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Kohl's: Gonna slow down its expansion plan 'cause their scared of the economy. The usual. [WWD, sub req'd]
• If you want to wear a pantsuit, make sure it's not double-breasted. [WSJ]
• Blue's Clues's: The shoes — at a Payless near you. [BrandWeek]

Look 1: Belted safari jacket, $39.50; safari shorts, $22.50; scarf, $12.50; clutch, $19.50. Verdict: The scarf looks a little dated styled that way, but go tie it around your wrist and you've got a cute outfit. If you don't fear short shorts, that is.
Look 2: Pullover safari dress, $34.50; bangle bracelet, $9.50. Verdict: Practical and easy — all good things.

Look 1: Cropped safari jacket, $39.50; pencil skirt, $29.50. Verdict: A cute suit for every chickadee.
Look 2: Belted tee dress, $29.50; bangle bracelet, $9.50. Verdict: H&M better watch its back.

Look 1: Belted safari jacket, $39.50; safari shorts, $22.50, bangle bracelet, $9.50. Verdict: I'd wear this on the prowl.
Look 2: Printed top, $19.50; bangle bracelet, $9.50. Verdict: With jeans, why not?

</>
Look 1: Pullover safari dress, $34.50; clutch, $29.50. Verdict: Good for work or play.
Look 2: Safari jumper, $29.50; bangle bracelet, $9.50. Verdict: I'm sorta scared of jumpers, not gonna lie.

L to R: Leather gladiator sandal, $19.50; canvas wedges, $34.50; platform sandals, $34.50. Verdict: Must have gladiator sandals. I'll pass on the wedges though.

For full Urban Explorer looks, visit Old Navy.com

L to R: Katherine wrap, $140; Jackie tube top, $42; Leggings, $48 / Jillian dress, $145 / Maura top, $85

Verdict: I like to wear leggings around my apartment. But even I wouldn't match them with a tube top; Why wear a burlap sack when you can wear a jersey sack? If your milkshake doesn't bring all the boys to the yard, you can always just show them your boobs.

L to R: Sophia dress, $145; London top, $100; Audrina dress, $150

Verdict: So when are you due? What? You're not pregnant? Sorry; Nouveau Flashdance; The poor man's Rami Kashou!

L to R: Britton top, $94; Bree tank, $75; Nicole skirt, $85

Verdict: How Contempo Casuals ca. 1993; Seriously, you can buy this but nicer at Target. Words I never thought I would say: A cheaper Amy Winehouse.

L to R: Whitney dress, $170; Natonia dresss, $150

Verdict: LC must not like Whitney very much as this is by far the ugliest look of the lot; This is probably your best bet of all the pieces, even though it cannot be worn by those with actual breasts.

[New York, January 7. Image via INF]

• SJP does not wear Bitten (her Steve & Barry's line) or Covet (her new fragrance).
  
• SJP "never forgive what she [Kim Cattrall] did." Also, everyone on the cast of SaTC hates Cattrall. Also, SJP took KC to lunch in an attempt to make things less awkward between them. It only sorta worked.
  
• SJP hates Jessica Seinfeld, even though they, like, both vacation in the Hamptons and shit. SJP thinks Jessica is a social climber. No shit.
  
• SJP does not hate Meryl Streep's daughter, actress Mamie Gummer, even though Gummer cornered SJP hubby Matthew Broderick at a party and pulled an "OMG-I-love-Carrie-Bradshaw-SOOOOOO-much!" which both M. Brod and SJP think is like a totally annoying thing to have done to them. But because she's Streep Spawn, it's all good.

WOAH [Sehorn]

• Ashley Judd is designing an el cheapo clothing line a la Sarah Jessica Parker. The lucky recipient of this collection: The clothing chain Goody's. Which makes sense in the "paradigmatic" sense until you're like, wait a second, Ashley Judd? Who the fuck ever paid attention to her outfits? Does simultaneously belonging to the Judd family and not having big hair account for some huge personal style statement? [WWD]
  
• David Lynch is slated to direct the TV ads for the new Gucci fragrance. It would be funnier if the scent was also "inspired" by David Lynch, and we could imagine it smelling of decomposing human flesh and surrealism, but we guess this is just what you do these days when your last really memorable project was cancelled 15 years ago. [WWD]
  
• Levi's premium line, Red, is "inspired" by Japanese design. Which was funny because all the Japanese designers are ever trying to do is recreate classic Levi's. [WWD]
  
• Appearing in the new Burberry ad campaign: Up-and-coming English rocker boys lounging alongside the stable of Burberry girls Agyness Deyn, Lily Cole, Kiera Gormley, and Georgia Frost. The word the publicists have chosen to apply to this collection? "Medieval." Right. Because there is something so totally Canterbury Tales about the combination of trenchcoats and professional cokeheads. [Times of London]

• In honor of his eponoymous label's 10-year anniversary, Matthew Williamson is moving his Spring/Summer 2008 fashion show back to London after a lengthy tenure in New York. Good luck getting the fashion editors out there to see the show! [Vogue UK]
• Nautical style somehow warrants an entire exhibit featuring designs by Chanel, Yves Saint Laurent, Vivienne Westwood, Dolce & Gabbana and others at England's National Maritime Museum. Funny how the ice caps are melting into the oceans and this is what the maritime curators give us. As Lily Allen might have pointed out. [Vogue UK]

• All-American fashion designer Ralph Lauren celebrated the anniversary of D-Day this week in a manner that was pretty tasteful, in the way that those mango-sized logos are tasteful...
  
• ...which is to say, ahem, "utterly gauche actually", because we studied French literary theory and are total snobs about things like commemorating the commencement of a battle in which 60,000 or so (strapping!) young men died liberating Europe from the Nazis by launching a new fragrance. Stay classy, Ralph! [Page Six]
  
• Paula Abdul has a fragrance coming out for (her words!) "a sophisticated type of woman." She has been wearing the still-unnamed fragrance to promote it. And by "wearing" we mean carrying around a bottle containing a strong-smelling liquid she claims is her "sophisticated" new fragrance. [WWD, sub req'd]

• Valentino speaks! The man's first public statement since the purchase of his eponymous fashion house put the retirement rumors to rest: "I'm not thinking of retirement. In the future, we'll see. I love my work too much. There's still a lot to do." [WWD, 1st item]
• The Washington Post's fashion critic, Robin Givhan, interviews Bitten shoppers: "I wasn't expecting Armani cuts at these prices." [Washington Post]
• Now you can smell like $800 shoes, too! Jimmy Choo has just inked a fragrance deal and their debut women's scent will be out in spring 2009. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Ah, the phrase "concept store": It warms our hearts (and makes us scratch our heads)! We're still not entirely sure what it means, but apparently there's a new one on the global fashion block, Cara & Co of Moscow. [Vogue UK]

That was, until, we saw the crowds. What followed was an encroaching intellectual torment, of the sorts we hadn't felt since debating the finer points of Derrida back in college. (Yes, Jen is a nerd. And no, her editor does not have any Derrida jokes handy.)

The crowds and their enthusiasm were unlike anything we had ever seen: More intense than when we flocked with the gays to go see Streisand in concert, more intense than when we flocked with the gays to see Madonna in concert, more intense than when we flocked with the gays to see Bill and Hillary campaign together (which is weirdly like these first two things, trust us). The adoration was palpable, and as much as I initially suspected that the intensity of the mad dash was a reflection of fans' rather common desire to buy a piece of their favorite celeb by buying something with said celeb's name on it, this was clearly something more. And all of the people (yes people - not just women. Many a middle-aged husband was there too... do they not have work today? Or is that why they're here?) were saying the same thing:

"I am so glad that She did this for me."

Yes, "She," Capitalized. Her name and face were printed on images all over the store, but her name itself was rarely spoken, as if she were a minor deity. I met two girls, best friends, who had shown up at 9:30 am, run and purchased their Bitten clothes, and then jumped on the autograph line (which, literally, wrapped around and around the many floors of the Manhattan Mall). They were just "soooo excited" to have, as the videos of SJP talking about the line on constant loop throughout the store informed us again and again, some nice affordable clothes.

And so: to the clothes. An enigma, Bitten. The line does not seem to entirely know who its for or what it wants to be. The marketing (especially the damn video we watched approximately eighty six times in our two hours there) exudes: "juniors section." SJP waxes, in the video, on and on about "girls" and "school" and "cool," etc. etc. etc. And certainly, the little smocked tops and tees emblazoned with cutesy phrases emblazoned on them that imply that yes, middle school is just what "Bitten" aims to be. And perhaps, given this, we don't need Bitten to be adventurous, or tastemaking, or anything more exciting than the average season at Aeropostale.

But then! Other selections are matronly: all high necks and long hemlines. There are these robes, too, the mental image of which we just cannot shake: They look like the very ones you might wear while trying to shield your cold, naked body from the glare of the fluorescent lighting while at the gynocologist...or the loony bin! Yes, some items seemed to miss the mark.

All merchandise, of course, flew off the shelves. In the hour I was there, I watched entire walls of clothes stripped and looted, by what appeared to be middle-aged women. I spoke to a group of four of them; they had driven in from New Jersey. They asked me to photograph them with their shopping bags, and I complied. Through the viewfinder I peered at faces flush with a jubilation I could not quite fathom, and so I asked to see a purchase. They complied. A polo, pink, with puffed sleeves. Surely, Old Navy.

So yes, as you must imagine, it was hard to hate the woman behind the clothing line that inspired such impromptu moments of bonding and friendship. The clothes were cheap, yes, but they were also soft and comfy (or so the people who braved the dressing room lines told me) and made people feel good about themselves.

Our icy hearts began to thaw.

Then, just before heading out, but while witnessing the clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks surrounding OMG SJP'S IN-STORE AUTOGRAHPING APPEARANCE, a Steve & Barry's employee, a la Amanda Lepore?, told me I looked confused, assumed I had lost my way in the autograph line (which was easily, no joke, 800 people deep), and bumped me to the front.

I panicked as I felt myself inching closer and closer to SJP herself. What would I say to her when my moment came? I hadn't even showered, and only moments before leaving my house decided to swap out my giant sweatpants and an old wife-beater for a pair of black pants and a black sweater I, literally, lifted off the floor - I was in no shape to even appear before Sarah Jessica, yet alone say something to her. As my bag was taken from me (you were not allowed to be carrying anything as you approached Her, lest, we assume, the terrorists decide to try and win again) the words suddenly tumbled out of my mouth,

"My 15-year old brother absolutely adores you. He seriously loves you more than anyone. He says one of his life goals is to meet you. Would you mind signing "To Jason"?" She gasped and said, "This is the best thing anyone has told me all day! Where is Jason? " and she started to write a note to him as I explained that he was tucked away in Atlanta, "You tell Jason I say hi. Personally. Call him right now when you leave and tell him Sarah Jessica says hi - and promise him I will come to Atlanta soon and tell him I want to meet him when I'm there." A Steve & Barry's employee came towards me, signaling that my one-on-one time with Sarah Jessica was coming to a close. As I started to walk away she hollered back at me, "No! really promise me you'll tell him I said that! Please, please tell Jason I say hi!".

This woman is impossible to hate, and in turn, so is her clothing line.

Also, $8 for a bathing suit?! I'm so going back for some of that shit.

• The day has arrived at last: Sarah Jessica Parker's Bitten line hits the shelves at a Steve & Barry's. And yes, we'll be there! [FabSugar]
  
• Hermes shares have gone apeshit lately, like a lot of luxury goods companies have, for a lot of takeover type pseudo-reasons that basically boil down to this: Making expensive accessories is like eighty times more lucrative, and a thousand times easier, than making, say, cars. [WSJ]
  
• Wal-Mart's Sam's Club division was selling fake Fendi bags for as much as $525. So much for everyday low prices! But now they've paid Fendi an undisclosed "I'm sorry" sum. [WSJ, sub req'd]
  
• In a shocking revelation, Kate Moss confirms that her "designs" for her Topshop line involve making minor alterations on existing pieces (designed by, you know, designers). In stores soon! [WWD, last item]

• Forever 21's latest way to part fools (us) with money: Their new collection Twelve by Twelve, which is designed to go together as a collection and embodies the look of "the new 30." Who is the new 30, you might ask? All those twentysomethings who dress like senior citizens but have the metabolisms of — wait for it — twelve-year-olds! [WWD]
• Helena Christensen takes her antiques and clothing store Butik, currently operating exclusively in Manhattan's West Village, across the pond to London's Notting Hill. [FabSugar]
• Conceptual artist Damien Hirst, whose work is sort of like the highbrow version of the Vice Gross Jar (although when we say "highbrow" we have no idea what specifically is highbrow about it), is producing a jewelry line. We hope to see a gold-plated bologna sandwich danging from the wrists of the stars soon. [Vogue UK]

Another Role [WWD, 2nd item]

I was embarrassed to [include my name in naming the line]. I don't want the line to be about me. I'm not pretending that these are clothes from my closet. Or that this is Carrie Bradshaw.

Capitalizing off the character that made her famous, however, is perfectly within reason when slapping her name on, say, a sassy new fragrance!

Glamour Shots [Fashion Week Daily]
SJP's New Cheap-Chic Style [Glamour.com]
Related: Stop The Presses! Sarah Jessica Did NOT Exploit Her 'Sex And The City' Character For New Fragrance!

• After being bounced by Elle in favor of Joe Zee, the magazine's founding creative director Gilles Bensimon finally speaks. "I was never good with giving direction, day by day. I never asked to be director of a magazine," he says. "I was only photography director. The first day I got the position... I go, 'oh my gosh that's a mistake." [WWD, 1st item]
• Sympathizing with the plight of jet-setting beauty junkies everywhere, drugstores are set to introduce pre-packaged toiletry and make-up kits for use on airplanes. [WWD, 4th item]
• Glamour has secured a print exclusive to showcase Sarah Jessica Parker and her new clothing line Bitten on the cover of its June issue. [WWD, 2nd item]
• Designers Dries Van Noten and Marc Jacobs will be showing their menswear lines in Milan, not Paris, for the upcoming June shows. [WWD, 1st item]

Fun! In one corner we've got the fake Carrie Bradshaw and her boring duds at a cheap chain no one's ever heard of, and the other corner we've got the fashion veteran and actual Carrie Bradshaw-creator selling at a respectably-trendy chain in chic-by-default England.

Place your bets now!

Patricia Field's New Line [Fashionista]