As many of us know, all lesbians conform to a specific set of rules and regulations on everything from dress to sexual activity to emotions, rules that were not taught in secondary school. In the interest of helping America's youth - and the editors of aforementioned tabloid gossip magazines - we've decided to make those rules public. Take them out of the closet, if you will.

Dress Code (Unless The Lesbian Is The Femme)

• Appropriate footwear: Birkenstocks, Airwalks, chucks, Doc Martens or sports sandals. Socks are never optional.
• Make-up: not allowed.
• Undergarments: Bras are frowned upon.
• Appropriate tops: flannel, more flannel, folksy prints and Polar fleece.
• Appropriate bottoms: jeans, cords, jean shorts or walking shorts.
• "Hygiene": Shaving of armpits or legs is frowned upon.
• Accessories may include: Nalgene bottles; carabiners; keys at your belt; fanny packs; femme lesbians who only dress girly for the attention or to get a real man.

Lifestyle Attributes

• Appropriate automobiles: Saabs, pickup trucks, Subaru Outbacks, Jeep Wranglers, Xterras, Mini Coopers and Volvos.
• Pop cultural influences: Melissa Etheridge; Ani DiFranco; Indigo Girls; and The L Word. No exceptions.
• Pets: At least one cat, and preferably more.
• Food: Vegetarians preferred
• Colleges/alma maters: Smith; Bryn Mawr; Mount Holyoke; and Wellesley.
• Partner choices: Recruiting straight women preferred.
• Career choices: P.E. teacher; basketball player; softball player; and professional golfer.

Psychology

• History: Must have been abused.
• Oedipal Complex: Hatred of fathers, except when they over-identify with them.
• Childhood Obsessions: Monkeys as pets.
• Adult Obsessions: Hating men.
• Penis Envy: Yes.
• Child lust: No.

Sex & Relationships

• Onset of lesbianism: College — until graduation, in some cases.
• Conversion: Lesbians can be converted with one internal application of human penis.
• Madonna/Whore Complex: Many are technically virgins, because they've never gotten down with a dude.
• Roles: Every lesbian relationship has a butch and a femme.
• Timing: Lesbians move in together on the second date.
• Sex: Once two lesbians move in together, they will never have sex again.
• Break Ups: Bunny boiling provides the maximum drama all lesbians require.

Earlier: The L-Word
How To Recruit Ladies For The Lesbian "Lifestyle"

The geneticists — themselves gay men who were glad that the scientific community proved that gayness was genetic instead of a "choice" — set about researching the cause of Christianity, only to find it easy to discover, isolate and remove in mice. They figure it won't be that long until they can offer prospective parents the choice to "fix" their children in utero (or at least selectively abort them) so that their children don't grow up to tell gay people that they should just do a better job ignoring their biological urges, since no amount of research into the biological causes of homo- (or bi-) sexuality or tolerance will apparently convince some Christians that homosexuality — or the "practice" thereof — isn't a choice.

Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene [The Independent]
Image via bangitout

Here's what he says:

As for [the writer's male cousin] "playing for the other team" at college, ACK, that can indeed be just a phase—but for women, not men. Heterosexual and homosexual women, if legit scientific research is to be believed, "tend to become sexually aroused by both male and female erotica, and, thus, have a bisexual arousal pattern," according to the results of a 2003 study conducted at LUG-infested Northwestern University. Men, on the other hand, prefer erotica that plays exclusively to their professed sexual orientation. Which means, of course, that female sexuality is a fluid and male sexuality is a solid. Or something.

And ladies? Pointing out your fluid sexuality isn't an insult. It's a compliment — hell, it's a freakin' superpower.

Hmm, seems to me I covered the topic of what turns on the ladies before and found that the scientist who wrote the most recent studies on this said:

To conclude that women are bisexual on the basis of their sexual responding overlooks the complexity and multidimensionality of female sexuality.

Also, if you don't have time to go back and read it, (statistically speaking) women get minimally aroused by watching pretty much anything fuck — including monkeys — but that doesn't make us all bestialists either. Sexuality isn't about who you want to watch fuck, it involves who you actually want to fuck. And if men don't or —in my opinion, more likely — can't express as wide a range of bisexuality as women, maybe that has more to do with the taboos around male hetero- and bisexuality than anything else.

I've known bisexual men and they have it hard (heh) from both ends (sorry, can't stop) of the spectrum. A close friend of mine in college was bisexual, and gay men didn't want to get into a relationship with him, convinced he would leave for a more socially-acceptable female life partner, and women often didn't want to sleep with him knowing he'd had a guy's dick up his ass. I've heard plenty of gay men comment that they wouldn't want to get involved with a bisexual man. I've had one of my close gay friends admit that he is (years after coming out) still attracted to women here and there but that it was usually too much trouble to date women because of the lack of acceptance from certain quarters in his social circle. Bisexual men and women are often considered "really" gay but trying to fit in, rather than there being a wide acceptance that they are actually bisexual. And Dan Savage is a good example of this stereotype, as he tells his reader that the cousin is obviously just a closet case but that, perhaps, his fiancée is the kind of woman who likes a gay guy (as though having a bisexual open relationship is just soooo weird). It's such a weirdly and disturbingly normative answer for a columnist who is all about letting people know the safest way to drink other people's urine.

Oh, and about how female bisexuality is a superpower? Yeah, if playing at or displaying an attraction to women for the sake of titillating men is super, or a power. Maybe us bile-spewing ladies just get annoyed when everyone keeps telling us we are bisexual, Dan, because some of us aren't and the ones who actually are aren't doing it for anyone's benefit but their own.

Ladies, Pointing Out Your Fluid Sexuality Isn't an Insult, It's a Freakin' Superpower [Village Voice]
Savage Love December 5, 2007 [AV Club]
What Women Want (Maybe) [New York Times]

Chivers' research shows that women are more easily aroused than men (no, seriously, it does), except when it comes to looking at hot naked men doing non-sexual things. I think I can speak for a number of straight women here when I say that even the hottest naked guy can do bad-naked things and that, sometimes, a flaccid penis on even a hot guy jumping around isn't going to get my engine running. But women do get physiologically aroused by naked women bouncing around, all kinds of porn and even monkeys fucking. And, thus Salon and the New York Times declare us all a little bisexual. [Insert long sigh here]

Chivers does her best to point out that what one fantasizes about or gets randomly turned on by doesn't have anything to do with what you are actually interested in doing.

To conclude that women are bisexual on the basis of their sexual responding overlooks the complexity and multidimensionality of female sexuality.

Not that anyone cares, of course, because it's not as a good a story as us ladies are all one small push away from eating each other out with great gusto.

But if we all stopped and thought about it for a second, we all are aroused by things, or fantasize about things to get aroused, that have no actual interest for us sexually. I've had sex dreams about women, fantasized about group sex, public sex, the dirtiest of anonymous sex, sex in public places, sex with inappropriate people... none of which I've ever done or really made any effort to do in the last 14+ years of sex-having because they don't hold any real-world interest for me. I don't think that fantasies of having a threesome makes you a swinger, or that getting aroused watching monkeys fucking means that you're into bestiality, or that fantasizing about S&M makes you a closet submissive, and thus I don't think that getting aroused at the sight of women bouncing up and down (images, notably, that we're strongly culturally socialized to think of as sexy) makes an otherwise straight woman bisexual.

This might be a little nurture-over-nature for most people, but I would expect that in a culture that fetishizes the female form in so many ways and does not fetishize the male form in the same way women would naturally be more aroused by random naked women than random naked men because so much of sexuality is in your head anyway. And, in a culture in which the male homosexual taboo is so strong, I would equally expect that many, many men would not find images of hot naked guys sexy because male sexuality is not all in their dicks, either — it's in their heads as well, jostling around with their taboos. But maybe I'm just trying to justify my closet bisexuality. That's probably what the New York Times would tell me, just before the Grey Lady tried to stick her tongue in my mouth.

What Women Want (Maybe) [New York Times]
Are All Women An little Bit Bi? [Salon Broadsheet]

Another possible reason for the perceived double standards is that men need to exude stereotypical virility to be considered for leading male roles, and while a woman's femininity isn't necessarily compromised by having sex with other women, a man's masculinity can be compromised by his homosexual leanings. "For women," the Advocate's arts and entertainment editor Corey Scholibo says, "it seems that women and, of course, men will still accept them if they admit to experimentation in the past."

The one example of an out actor who consistently plays it straight is Neil Patrick Harris (love him), whose character on How I Met Your Mother is also a cad. But his roles are usually peripheral, and never the lead. Scholibo also notes that the reaction for Lindsay would be far different than if Ellen Page came out of the closet, since she is known as an actress, whereas Lilo is mostly a "celebrity" now.

I think there has certainly been progress made on this front — look at the not-stereotypically masculine stylings of Pete Wentz and his eyeliner-clad, emo brethren — but last time I spent any amount of time around high school boys (or men with high school mentalities), "fag" was still thrown around as a casual insult. I still have my fingers crossed for a Neil Patrick Harris-helmed rom com!!!

Bisexual In Hollywood: OK For Girls, Not Guys [ABC News]

Earlier: Don't Screw With Dina Lohan's Meal Tickets Kids

She didn't really provide much scientific evidence, but I think we both learned to respect our differences. Also, all the girls and the one gay I IM-ed pretty much said they were built for monogamy, though I didn't ask Tracie, and she'd probably disagree. Meanwhile, the only straight dude I asked, my ex-boyfriend, said he was not. Too bad I never sensed that from the pheromones he emitted!

MOE: Ok, so this interview you sent me is really interesting
MOE: But i was trying to determine who, the interviewer or the TIME guy, you took issue with
MOE: the interviewer irked me more

POLLYPOCKET: yeah they were both sort of swirling in a pool of awfulness
POLLYPOCKET: what i didn't like as I told Anna is the idea that they're still trying to talk about how marriage is some kind of baseline
POLLYPOCKET: as if the only real kind of "romance" we should worry about is marriage
POLLYPOCKET: even though all scientific evidence shows that we weren't built to marry or be monogamous
POLLYPOCKET: also the thing about women tricking men with birth control was heinous

MOE: well that was the interviewer

POLLYPOCKET: but I was really pissed about the time mag package in general
POLLYPOCKET: where they say "romance is this chemical illusion" but then use that as an excuse to basically say well so you just have to fight biology and stay married kids

MOE: Well, I see it as part of the whole "evolutionary biology is the new socialization" trend.

POLLYPOCKET: yeah
POLLYPOCKET: it is very much part of htat

MOE: But that's not what he said.
MOE: He said the chemistry of early romance was an unsustainable chemical state

POLLYPOCKET: exactly
POLLYPOCKET: but then he goes on to basically talk about how "dangerous" it is to try to find that state again
POLLYPOCKET: because it disrupts family, etc

MOE: Well, see
MOE: I think that's true
MOE: But I'm specifically thinking of men.

POLLYPOCKET: I think it's true if you build your whole society around the idea of monogamous marriage being the best way to raise kids
POLLYPOCKET: which it obviously isn't
POLLYPOCKET: nuclear family suxx

MOE: Hahaha what's your proposal?
MOE: BRING BACK THE ORPHANAGE

POLLYPOCKET: well we've only had this obsession with the nuke family in the US for about a century
POLLYPOCKET: I think extended families, kinship networks, more laxity in terms of being "faithful" — having an understanding that people can fuck around and have those happy chemicals without it having to undermine their family life
POLLYPOCKET: I mean, why not have a nice kinship network for your family/kids, but also have the chance to have little romances on the side?
POLLYPOCKET: that's truer to biology
POLLYPOCKET: and more fun
POLLYPOCKET: (c.f. Woman on the Edge of Time)
POLLYPOCKET: not that "being true to biology" is always a good thing . . .
POLLYPOCKET: /soapbos
POLLYPOCKET: box

MOE: See, I think the problems you're attributing to the "nuclear family" have more to do with poor urban planning.

POLLYPOCKET: Hmm

MOE: Not that we have discussed those problems
MOE: I also kind of hate falling in love though.
MOE: "Early romance" is not my bag.

POLLYPOCKET: Yeah it feels like taking a lot of speed
POLLYPOCKET: I hate it too

MOE: Hahahaha I take speed every day.

POLLYPOCKET: I mean, it's like the crawly awful part of the speed

MOE: to me it's like heroin.
MOE: Not that I would know

POLLYPOCKET: yeah I think heroin is actually supposed to be nice while it lasts
POLLYPOCKET: what I mean, is that you feel all crazed and tooth grindy and paranoid during that early love stuff
POLLYPOCKET: which makes sense it's the same chemicals that give you the meth high
POLLYPOCKET: anyway all I was saying was that I think it's weird that we have all this scientific evidence that humans are not really built for monogamous marriage
POLLYPOCKET: and it's weird that we keep insisting that's the way to go

MOE: So yeah, I don't know how much is socialization and how much is evolution and how much is just my particular set of genes, but I am very good at the middle stage of a relationship. And I really really want to find someone who agrees. But I had a happy childhood living in a city around lots of other kids etc. etc. so that's my narrative. But I definitely think I personally am built for monogamous marriage.

POLLYPOCKET: I think some people clearly are

MOE: However

POLLYPOCKET: But you might be an outlier

MOE: Hahaha I am on everything else
MOE: why not this

POLLYPOCKET: yeah, I think it's probably a spectrum (just like sexuality)

MOE: EXACTLY

POLLYPOCKET: some are totally mono, some are "sometimes mono," some are polyamorous freaks like me (I have 3 partners, I know gross)

MOE: Now, if only those same pheromones that attract you to a person with a different immune system
MOE: Could attract you to someone with the same views on monogamy.

POLLYPOCKET: yeah

MOE: So you have three partners
MOE: This is like Springer!
MOE: I kid

POLLYPOCKET: I do think that if our culture wasn't so obsessed with monogamy, it might be easier for a mono person and a poly person to be together without stigma
POLLYPOCKET: I know I am total springer material

MOE: OK so your partners

POLLYPOCKET: you don't know the half of it

MOE: are they poly?
MOE: Are they into each other?

POLLYPOCKET: they are NOT into each other that would be livejournal scary

MOE: hahaa
MOE: are they into others?

POLLYPOCKET: drama times four hundred
POLLYPOCKET: yeah they are poly too
POLLYPOCKET: well two of them are geeks, so they are poly when they can find others who crave Linux

MOE: hahaha
MOE: well you live in San Francisco right?

POLLYPOCKET: yup — home of sexual deviance
POLLYPOCKET: and Linux lvoers

MOE: SF is its own socialization

POLLYPOCKET: that's certainly true
POLLYPOCKET: though there is a giant poly network in Boston too for some reason
POLLYPOCKET: they all buy giant houses together
POLLYPOCKET: scary

MOE: Hahaha bc they're too cold to have the energy to go out and fuck around in Boston.

MOE: well i am a big believer in pheromones

POLLYPOCKET: me too
POLLYPOCKET: there are people I can't do because of how they smell (and I don't mean they smell bad or anything)

MOE: andwhat i do not understand is why some dudes just indiscriminately try to fuck girls that way

POLLYPOCKET: yeah I know several guys like that

MOE: it takes a very specific chemical mix to me

POLLYPOCKET: it's sort of like OCD — "try this one" "try this one"

MOE: ok, here's a question, poly gay lady!

POLLYPOCKET: hahah poly bi lady please
POLLYPOCKET: I want to sound as 70s as possible

MOE: with lesbians, are you ALSO attracted to pheromones of ppl with opposite immune systems?

POLLYPOCKET: I might be a bad person to ask about this because I prefer boys

MOE: oooh

POLLYPOCKET: And the girls I like are usually tomboys

MOE: ahhhhh

POLLYPOCKET: I loooooove tomboys holy shit
POLLYPOCKET: and I like girly guys who remind me of tomboys

MOE: me too i like tomboy girls like samantha ronson

At this point the conversation becomes ridiculous and somewhat unpublishable. But it ended well!

POLLYPOCKET: kthxbai