• Lily Allen was performing in Helsinki, Finland when she burst into tears. Before the show, she Tweeted:

"Fell over badly last night and I've really fucked my back up. Just had an injection in my bum. How am I gonna get through tonight's gig?" Throwing out your back is terrible! So is Lily's hair/makeup in these pix. [Daily Mail]

• Bill Maher said he once saw Brad Pitt roll the most perfect joint he had ever seen. "I'm an artist," Brad agreed. [NY Daily News]
• Brad Pitt is being added to Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes as the detective's arch enemy. The character of Moriarty was missing from a rough cut of the film, and movie execs insisted the famous nemesis be added to the flick. Ritchie called old pal Pitt (who was in Snatch) and he'll film this week in London. [Mirror]
• The Dancing With The Stars season 9 cast: Revealed! Macy Gray, Melissa Joan Hart, Kathy Ireland, Mya, Iron Chef host Mark Dacascos, Ashley Hamilton, former Dallas Cowboy Michael Irvin, Donny Osmond, Tom DeLay (?!?!?!), Olympic swimming gold medalist Natalie Coughlin, model Joanna Krupa, Debi Mazar, Kelly Osbourne, Aaron Carter, Chuck Liddell, and snowboarder Louie Vito. [ABC News]
• Jennifer Aniston complimented a woman pole-dancing on the set of The Bounty, saying she looked like a professional. The lady replied, "I am!" [Gatecrasher]
• George Clooney plans to sue a photographer who climbed over the wall of his Lake Como home and took pictures of a 13-year-old girl changing in a guest room, as well as snaps of Clooney and gf Elisabetta Canalis. Cloons says: "I don't know about the law in the United States, but in Italy it's illegal for photographers to climb over my wall. He'll also press charges against two magazines who published the photos. [Gatecrasher]
• Beyoncé: Secretly taking ballet classes at Alvin Ailey School of Dance. [Gatecrasher]
• Jon Gosselin went to a party thrown by a student at Parsons School Of Design. He only stayed for 20 minutes, but arrived with a paparazzo and left with two female students. Keepin' it classy. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Even though Paula Abdul won't be on Dancing With The Stars, she MIGHT get a ABC show of her own. Paula's Wacky Clappy Variety Show? [TMZ]
• Madonna performed in Warsaw on Saturday even though it was a holy date, the Assumption of Mary feast. National group Pro Polonia called her a "crypto-Satanist," which is not very crypto. [Daily Express]
• Bob Dylan was on tour and took a walk in Long Branch, NJ, when he was stopped by cops; a resident had reported someone "wandering" around the neighborhood. A cop asked him for I.D. "I don't think she was familiar with his entire body of work," says a town official. [NY Daily News]
• Jennifer Lopez is looking pretty hot on the cover of InStyle and inside she's saying stuff like: "There's nothing as huge as giving birth to another human being and having to be responsible for another life. There's you before kids, and there's you after kids – and they're not the same you." [People]
• Mark Wahlberg was rushed to the hospital on Friday morning after suffering smoke inhalation on the set of The Frighter. A smoke machine was being used for atmosphere and Wahlberg breathed in too much. [RadarOnline, Daily Express]
• Amy Winehouse's divorce from Blake Fielder-Civil will be finalized at the end of the month, but Blake allegedly told a reporter: "I want to take her out for dinner and propose again. I hope that within five minutes we'll be planning where we're next going to get married." [Daily Mail]
• Blake also says: "She is looking beautiful and healthy now and it reminds me of the old Amy." [News Of The World]
• Amy will appear on Strictly Come Dancing in September as a backup singer for her 13-year-old goddaughter Dionne Bromfield, and there's a cute picture of them hugging at the link. [Mirror]
• Bodysnarky opening sentence of the day: "She's looking thinner than ever, but there's one part of Victoria Beckham that looks set to put on a lot of weight very quickly - her wallet. Posh Spice has landed a £3million contract on American Idol…" [Daily Mail]
• Joe Simpson is pushing Jessica Simpson as the perfect replacement for Paula Abdul on American Idol. [Page Six]
• Saturday night after a Fall Out Boy show, Ashlee Simpson and husband Pete Wentz were at a bar when Ashlee got wasted, yelled at Pete and made him leave his own party early. Charming! [Perez]
• Jane Fonda, 71, might marry 67-year-old Richard Perry next year, which would be her fourth wedding. [Daily Express]
• So many contradictory stories about MJ. We first heard that he was strong during rehearsals. This report claims: "Michael Jackson was so weak in his final days he needed to be SPOON-FED meals, his make-up artist has revealed." [The Sun]
• "Michael Jackson's body has been moved in secret to a new crypt, where it's been frozen." [Daily Express]
• This report claims that Michael Jackson will be buried on what would have been his 51st birthday, August 29. Or so says Joe Jackson. [Gatecrasher]
• You know how Michael Phelps was in a car accident last week? Turns out he was driving with an expired license and told cops he had a beer about an hour before the crash. [TMZ]
• George Michael on his car smashup: "Neither of us was charged because we were both stone cold sober. We both think the other is to blame so this is just an insurance fight." [E!]
• Eva Longoria is expanding her restaurant business, and soon she'll have a Beso Vegas and "Besitos" in ariports. [People]
• Kristin Bauer, who plays Pam on True Blood, thinks Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer will have kids together since Anna is "great" with Stephen's kids from previous relationships. [E!]
• Tons of Gossip Girl spoilers at the link, and yes, there are details on Chuck and Blair — with a HOT picture of the Bass. [People]
• Matthew Settle — Gossip Girl's Rufus — skateboards through New York during rush hour. [NY Times]
• Actress Aishwarya Rai has a chest infection with flu-like symptoms. [Times Of India]
• Anna Friel will play Holly Golightly in an upcoming stage production of Breakfast At Tiffany's in London. [Times Of London]
• The Office's Amy Ryan — who plays Holly Flax — is pregnant. [E!]
• An excerpt of Alana Stewart's book, My Journey With Farrah: A Story Of Life, Love And Friendship, at the link. [Daily Mail]
• Bananarama's back. [Daily Mail]
• Aberdeen, Washington has the title of one hometown hero Kurt Cobain's songs, "Come As You Are," posted at the entrance of town. An unofficial park has been established next to the bridge under which Cobain hung out and wrote songs. [LA Times]
• Blind item! "Which D-list relationship recently ended when the gal found out her man's secret vice was boy-on-boy action?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I can't tell you how far from a gold-digger I am. I've never dated a rich man in my life. I've always wondered how girl friends of mine could even ask their boyfriends to buy them clothes." — Samantha Burke, who was impregnated by Jude Law. [Daily Mail]
• "I thought it was an incredibly sexual role and a challenge to be an 'older woman' in the film. Roles always challenge me in some personal way and that was one I wanted to overcome: 'Wow, all of a sudden, you've become the "Older Woman" in a movie. Let's give the younger ones a run for their money.'" — Anne Heche on playing opposite Ashton Kutcher in Spread. [LA Times]
• "This season, I really want to get back to the guerilla style I used to have. I want to try to get back to my roots and make it crazy. In the first episode, I get buried alive in a coffin, six feet under 5,000 pounds of snow. I want people to realize I'm not complacent because I have a little bit of success and a little money. Hopefully in return I can raise the level of the art form to the level other art forms receive, like the cinema.… I just really loved the ability as a kid to do something that adults didn't understand. It was like power. Then I realized as a teenager that there was more to the art of magic than how you did it. It's trying to connect to somebody." — Criss Angel, whose Mindfreak is back on A&E for its 5th season. [LA Times]
• "I like everything about filming except the acting. In recent years I've had really bad attacks where I totally froze up. I thought 'Well, if I am going to get stage fright, then I am packing it in.'" — Hugh Grant. [Daily Mail]
• "I think anybody that's touring is going to have a carbon footprint. I think it's probably unfair to single out rock 'n' roll. There's many other things that are in the same category but as it happens we have a program to offset whatever carbon footprint we have." — The Edge, annoyed by critics of U2's travel. [Daily Express]
• "The Harry Potter books are not explicitly religious in the way that C.S. Lewis's Narnia tales are, but there is a strong sense of evil, and issues of good and evil are not only philosophical issues but also theological issues." —University of Massachusetts-Amherst philosophy professor Gareth B. Matthews. [UPI]
• "I think when I started I was working in the vein of The Dirty Dozen or The Devil's Brigade. But now watching the completed film with audiences, I don't think there has ever been a World War II movie like it. That can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your taste, but it's definitely a thing." — Quentin Tarantino on Inglourious Basterds. [WSJ]
• "Don Cheadle could play me, but I hope they just go with the obvious casting choice." — Richard Belzer, when asked who would play Richard Belzer if his crime novel about a a New York City police detective named Richard Belzer were made into a TV show. [Publishers Weekly]
• "I've had my heart broken before. Truly, truly broken. But when I look back at me in my heartbroken phase, it's pretty hilarious, because it felt so much more extreme than it really was. One of the things I love about (500) Days of Summer is that it doesn't make light of what we go through in romances, but it is honest about it and shows it for what it is, which is often profoundly funny." — Joseph Gordon-Levitt. [Guardian]
• "The speed of news creates so much vertigo. I am a very private person." — Penelope Cruz. [Telegraph]
• "We kind of rolled our eyes at the idea of having to make out." — Amanda Seyfried on her Jennifer's Body girl-on-girl scene with Megan Fox. [Page Six via Entertainment Weekly]
• "I remember really vividly kneeling by my bed as a nine-year-old, saying my prayers and asking God to give me boobs that were so big that if I laid on my back I wouldn't be able to see my feet. Eventually that request was granted. A bit of divine intervention displays the power of prayer. Every time before I go on stage, or go out where I know there will be a lot of press, I take a skipping rope and spend about ten minutes, fully clothed, skipping. I look like Rocky. This way I can ensure that everything is firmly in place and I won't have a wardrobe malfunction. Don't want those boulders doing a show of their own." — Katy Perry. [The Sun]

Maher was off for a few weeks, so he's a bit late on this, but it's funny enough that we thought we'd show a clip. His panelists, Markos Moulitsas of Daily Kos, Anna Deavere Smith, Montana Gov. Brian Schweitzer, and Jason Alexander, seemed to agree, erupting in giggles as Maher read the quotes. Both sets of missives had a touch of funny/sad to them, and both are perhaps reminders that all it takes is an electronic note to ruin a reputation, expose a fraud, and provide comedians with jokes for years to come. (Also: that, just in case, one should probably instantly delete love letters from elected officials named Mark.)

Obviously taken aback by Bill Maher's assumption that attractive women can't have friends (all the backbiting and cat-fighting, obvs) Cameron Diaz declares that, in fact, she has friends of both sexes. "I'm a girl's girl...and a guy's girl," she says, adding that she loves women, she loves men, "but not in that way." Cause, you know, it's important to make that clear. Actually, with Bill Maher, sadly, we can see how she might feel that way.

While Maher is clearly just poking fun at the entire situation, there is a bit of sad truth involved when it comes to the rise and fall of our most beloved pop-stars. Will Boyle end up in a night vision sex tape? All signs point to no. But she will have to deal with the pressure of retaining the love of millions of fans, who cling to her not only because she represents everyone who desperately wants to be an artist but was never given the chance, but because she seems so "normal," "average," and "ordinary."

Boyle is already facing a slight backlash due to a makeover of sorts she's received since she hit the big time. Her hair has been tamed and colored, her eyebrows plucked and shaped, and she's been spotted in a very Clinton and Stacy-esque wardrobe as of late, clothes that make her appear much more put together than she did on her star-making performance. She's in an incredibly weird position: at this point, sticking to her notoriously "frumpy" appearance might appear to be a weak attempt to retain public sympathy and admiration; changing her look too drastically might turn off fans who feel so drawn to her because she doesn't look like your typical Hollywood celebrity. It doesn't take much of a switch to turn fans off; anyone who remembers the OMG Keri Russell cut her hair! fiasco can tell you that.

David Berreby, an author whose book, Us And Them, explores how people make snap judgments of each other, tells the New York Times that Boyle's initial attempt to fit in, shaking her hips and acting sassy in front of the judges, bombed spectacularly because she didn't fit the public's idea of that "sexy" is supposed to be: "She tried to be chipper, and when they asked her age, she did this little shimmy," Berreby says, "you're supposed to be kind of sexy and personable, and she got it wrong. Nothing sort of triggers our contempt more than something trying to be acceptable and then failing."

It was when Boyle began singing her song—a song, mind you, about lost dreams and missed opportunities—that the audience suddenly fell for her. No longer was she an outsider who was failing to fit in, but an outsider with a special gift that made everyone else feel stupid for underestimating her. Psychologist John F. Davidio tells the Times that in such cases, people "find a way to make the world make sense again, even if the way we do it is to say, ‘This is an exceptional situation.' It's easier for me to keep the same categories in my mind and come up with an explanation for the things that are discrepant."

So what will become of Susan Boyle? It's hard to say at this point. Maher's bleak view, at least in this instance, is way off, but the celebrity machine and all of its weird effects will inevitably touch Boyle and force her to make decisions that may drive some of her fans away. She has the whole world looking at her; how they'll continue to actually see her is another story entirely.

Yes, Looks Do Matter [NY Times]
The Susan Boyle Backlash Begins [Times Of London]

Earlier: Does Susan Boyle Need A Makeover?

[Los Angeles, December 3. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Earlier: Bill Maher Rages On The 21st Century's Real Welfare Queens

Fox News Blames Black People For Financial Meltdown [YouTube]

When All Else Fails, Blame The Negores [Ta-Nehisi Coates — The Atlantic]

Politically Incorrect, Women/ Feminism-Part 1 [YouTube]
Politically Incorrect, Women/ Feminism-Part 2 [YouTube]

Bill Maher Can Suck My Tits [Huffington Post]
Earlier: Facebook: Boobs Are For Body-Shots, Not Baby-Feeding

Because she proceeded as she promised God and ceased writing about how big every hip-hop star's dick was to focus on penning messages of hope and inspiration for other impressionable young women like she said she was going to? Um, well somewhat? Diaries, for instance, provides a more nuanced portrayal of the role of penis-size during sex — Jay-Z, for instance, is "real thick and juicy but you cant stand looking at him when he's on top," and Busta Rhymes believes that "because you are left sore he thinks he did something." And where Confessions leaves us off with a bout of "simultaneous orgasms" Karrine achieved with Usher, Diaries begins, according to an excerpt in MediaTakeOut, with an, um, lesser Usher experience!

It was fu**ing horrible and on top of that it was smelling back there. This man is not packing, his d*ck is way small and he was having a hard time trying to find my hole. Then ol' boy did something out of this world, he yelled out something Haitian. I was sick to my stomach. I got dressed and ran out of there.

I picked up the room key at the front desk. Once I was settled, there was a soft knock at the door and my heart seemed to skip a thousand beats. I straightened my clothes, smoothed out my hair, took another deep breath, and flung the door as wide as it would go until it hit the adjacent wall. I jumped into Ice-T's arms and held on tight as I could. I smelled him, taking in every molecule.

Ice and I spent most every day together. I craved to be near him. I needed him. I needed Ice to teach me, to make me better, and to undo all of the awful things that had been done to m. Ice taught me a lot about how to make it in Los Angeles — where to eat, where to shop, how to negotiate, and how to know my worth professionally. He usually wore a hat of some sort, sat with his legs crossed, appearing as if he was deep in thought. He rarely moved until it was time to go.

On the night when we stayed in — and there were many — Ice and I would just quietly lie together, enjoying each other's presence. Sometimes, we drove around in his black-on-black Mercedes, and I held his hand. Ice taught me that I should never hold someone's hand completely, just the smallest finger. This would show that I'm not asking for all of him, just a small part.

We spent a lot of time at his office in Hollywood, where he had a "pimp room." The office was on the top floor of the building and it overlooked the city. The pimp room had oversize red velvet curtains and black leather sofas. There were a few accessories that stood out — a giant "pimp-tionary," a dictionary of pimp terminology, and a video-camera set upon a tripod. In this room we watched porn and made a few flicks of our own. When we were together, I felt like a woman. I was all his.

I remember that first Christmas in Los Angeles. It fell on a Sunday, and he told his then longtime girlfriend and their young son that he was going to the bank or something. He came over and spent time with me so I wouldn't be alone. We both knew there was really no excuse for him not to be home on Christmas morning since everything was closed, but that never mattered to us. He operated in his own space and time. No one made Ice do anything he didn't want to do.

When we made love, it was never sexual; rather, it was like he was feeding me. With every slow, wet stroke, with every warm, sweet kiss, he gave me pieces of himself and let me know that he trusted and cared for me. I felt grown-up, knowing I could please a man like that— a man with so many more years and experiences than me. At those moments, I felt complete.

Leaked! Excerpts from Superhead's New Book [Media Take Out]

• People who get pregnant don't always have to have abortions.
  
• Speaking of, indie film darlings need to stop accumulating hobbies already, and take up lactating or something. If anything, breast milk is great in South Asian cuisine!
  
• Aspiring fame whores should all change their names to Vanessa. Because it's just the most prescient idea we have ever had.
• New Rule for cosmetic surgery seekers: We hear the vagina is the first thing to show its age. Seth Rogen will totally pay.
  
• People who actually still remember high school are not allowed to get married. (Or, for that matter, pregnant. Yeah so we contradict ourselves. We are large!)
  
• More blondes need to take a break from dumbing down smart sperm to read a thesaurus.
  
• All cheap clothes should be ugly. It's the only way to know you're getting a bargain.
  
• Stop your sobbing. All of you.