[London, November 16. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

• Russell Simmons is forking over $20,000 per daughter in child support to Kimora Lee, which seems about right when you take into account that they are not just children but living ambassadors of Fabulosity. [TMZ]
• Naomi Campbell was kind enough to get arrested wearing one of Nelson Mandela's signature baseball caps, thus showering millions of dollars in free publicity on his AIDS awareness campaign, and this is the thanks she gets? [MSNBC]
• Mary-Kate Olsen and Ben Kingsley make out in the new movie The Wackness and now the guy we all associate with one of modern history's foremost humanist visionaires is going around talking about how making out with someone 42 years younger than him was completely cool and she was "totally in charge." [People]
• Miley Cyrus admits that her latest song "7 Things" is a very angry song, because it's about an ex-boyfriend, not a specific Jonas brotherly ex-boyfriend you understand, but just like a composite character ex-boyfriend, since anyone who's been around the block a few times knows that shitty guys generally adhere to a few typical patterns of behavior and also, hello, 15-year-old Disney teen idol confections maybe do not write their own songs. Not that their quotes don't sound like they do! "[It goes] through all the different stages of what's been going on the past couple years…It was like a little therapy moment for me." [People]

• Christian Bale thinks what happened after Heath Ledger's death amounted to a "hideous circus." [NY Mag]
• John Mayer is one of those guys who holds out the fact that he's never cheated on anybody as proof he is a "good guy," but like, what the fuck? With some people you are committing an act of social justice by cheating on them and yes I am talking about Jessica fucking Simpson. [MSNBC]
• The Christie Brinkley divorce…you know? I just can't get into it right now. How about we discuss our favorite Billy Joel songs again. If you want to get banned you will say "Still Rock N Roll To Me." [NYDN]
• Demi Moore is making some appearances in Dubai but somehow her heart doesn't seem like it's in it. [Page Six]
• Brad and Angie gave $1 million to a few charities helping in The Iraq. [AP]
• David Beckham is doing a line of mineral water. And sure, sure, it's fine for you and the Beastie Boys to say that maybe another bottled water brand is not what the world needs now, but if you bore the responsibility of hanging onto the title of World's Biggest Carbon Footprint you might come up with some not-particularly-original ideas yourself. [Mirror]
• Because Celine Dion sees your hysterical excess, and raises you a $36,343 water bill! [Palm Beach Post]
• When Tim McGraw spies a male fan aggressively groping a lady fan at one of his sold-out concerts, he kneels down, drags the guy by the wifebeater onstage, maybe takes a few swings in self-defense before handing him off to his roadies in time to sing the next line of the song he was singing, which just happens to be "I'm not lookin' for trouble." See, a few years back that story would have sounded apocryphal but this is the YouTube era so even doubting Thomases such as myself can safely assure you it really happened. [CMT]
• And yeah, ditto on the Verne Troyner sex tape. [TMZ]

[New York, June 12. Image via Splash.]

*Inspired by Shirley MacLaine's assertion that the best parts for actresses fall into one of the above categories.

• Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler: Tomei plays the stripper-girlfriend of a washed-up wrestler played by Mickey Rourke in this drama set in the 1980s. Stripper? Not the same as a hooker for sure, but close enough for our purposes. Also, something tells me that living with a pro-wrestler might lead to some domestic abuse. Just guessing! Verdict: Hooker, with possible undertones of victim.
• Gina Gershon, Love Ranch: Oh, my, GOD this is a must see! Helen Mirren and Joe Pesci are the husband and wife owners of a Nevada brothel (wait, it gets better). They fall into a love triangle with a South American boxer, and according to the Hollywood Reporter, a state senator also becomes entangled in their "sordid affairs." Gershon plays one of the hookers in the love ranch stable. Though I'm dying to see it, the Verdict is still: Hooker.
• Renee Zellweger, My One And Only: In this biopic of actor George Hamilton's life, Zellweger plays his mother, a fancy dame named Anne Deveraux, who is on an East Coast quest to find a rich husband. Verdict: looking for a man to bankroll your lifestyle? That's Hooker behavior through and through.
• Penelope Cruz, Elegy: Cruz plays the student to Ben Kingsley's horny old English professor. Reuters describes Kingsley's character as "charismatic and selfish," and for gods sakes, this movie is based on a Philip Roth novel! Verdict: Victim. Exploiting the power dynamic between professor and student is one of the oldest and grossest tricks in the book.
• Emma Thompson , An Education: Thompson plays the headmistress of a school in this story of a 17-year-old girl who starts dating a 35-year-old sports car driving playboy (Peter Sarsgaard). Thompson's character gets pissed because the girl is putting her chances of admission to Oxford in jeopardy by focusing on her new beau. Verdict: Thompson is OK! 35-year-old dating a teenager? Majorly sketchy.
• Michelle Pfeiffer,Cheri: Pfeiffer is in talks to play the title role in this adaptation of a Collette novel by the same name. She plays a woman who dates the wealthy son of one of her friends. According to Variety, " When he is forced to give up the six-year relationship after marrying someone else, the young man can't forget her and retreats into a fantasy world." Verdict: a woman so alluring that she causes her young honey to go nuts? This broad sounds OK!
• Kristen Bell, When In Rome: Kristen plays a "love-starved" New York City curator who steals magical coins from a fountain in Rome. The magical pocket change causes dudes to aggressively court her like they never have before. Not only does this sound like a blatant rip-off of Love Potion Number 9, but Bell's "love-starved" character sounds like your run-of-the mill romantic comedy heroine Doormat.

Tomei Joins Aronofsky's 'Wrestler' [Variety]
'Ranch' Wrangles Three [Hollywood Reporter]
Zellweger To Star In 'One And Only' [Variety]
Cruz, Kingsley Play Lovers In New Film "Elegy" [Reuters]
'Education' Gets Four Stars [Hollywood Reporter]
Miramax, Pathe Work Out 'Cheri' [Variety]
Bell In 'Rome' At Disney [Hollywood Reporter]

• Maddox Jolie-Pitt is taking classes at the Lycée Français on New York's Upper East Side. Oh, to be at those parent-teacher conferences! [Page Six]
  
• Michelle Williams was seen hanging out in Brooklyn with her girls. "She looked gorgeous," says a source. [Page Six]
  
• Style guru Tim Gunn wrote a book, but he was forbidden from mentioning Project Runway in it. Legal snafus like this make our head hurt! [Page Six]
  
• Busta Rhymes was supposed to be in court yesterday, but he Assistant DA was called for jury duty. Woo-ha! [Page Six]
  
• David Beckham may not play again this season. He still gets the $250 million, though. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Karrine "Superhead" Steffans claims that soon-to-be-divorced Shaquille O'Neal gave her $10,000 on their first "date." [Gatecrasher, 3rd item]
  
• R.I.P Luciano Pavarotti. [NY Times]

• Not-really-that-blind item! "Which actor with a troubled brother might want to deal with some issues of his own? He is constantly drunk on the set of his current film, say spies." Oh snap! [Gatecrasher, last item]
• Sopranos star James Gandolfini wants the U.S. out of Iraq and for you to watch his documentary about wounded soldiers on HBO, or else. [Rush & Molloy]
• Sean Diddy Combs denies fathering a baby in Atlanta but ex-girlfriend Kim Porter says that's one of the reasons she left him. [Rush & Molloy, 2nd item]
• Did Matrix director Larry Wachowski finally get a sex change? [Rush & Molloy, 7th item]
• The View will have two black best friends when Sherri Shepherd joins the show on September 10. Whoopi has already begun! [People]
• The idea of getting pregnant doesn't excite Charlize Theron because she "doesn't really want to look like a whale." [Prince Harry wasn't at the airport to meet girlfriend Chelsy Davy — but the paparazzi were! [The Sun]
• Jenna Fischer, also known as Pam on The Office has separated from her husband after six years of marriage. [Reuters]
• Lily Allen would love a new boyfriend, but says, "I always think that no one is ever going to fancy me." Aw! You're adorable, Lily! Smile! [The Sun]
• Lily also says "I have my problems but they are nothing compared to Amy [Winehouse]'s." Lil has sent Amy flowers and a card. [Mirror]
• Sir Ben Kingsley has secretly wed "a Brazilian babe nearly half his age." Sir Ben says his new bride is "like an ancient mythological princess." We're gonna take his word for it. [The Sun]