It's not like I'm looking toward the Miss Universe pageant for any kind of feminist rally cry, especially when the swimwear competition was introduced like this: "We're about to see all of the contestants in teeny tiny bikinis so they can show off their physical fitness for you and our judges." But, you know, come on.

Overall, the broadcast was stale but not a train wreck enough to push it past boring…much like Heidi Montag's dancing.

In the beginning of the show, the contestants were introduced wearing a costume representative of each of their respective countries. I guess this would be on par with what the child pageant circuit would consider "Wow Wear." And of course, compared to all the feathers and sequins and architecture (Miss Germany had columns attached to her back) Miss USA was underwhelming.

Although, I really liked that Miss Ireland's outfit was so half-assed that it looked like a drunk person designed it.

I liked Miss Nigeria's moves.

But Miss China was the absolute best.

I love that she won Miss Congeniality.

But surprisingly, the best part of the whole show was discovering that Kelly Rowland somehow turned into Patti LaBelle.

For instance: Olay Regenerist claims it is "a deep penetrating moisturizer with Aquacurrent Science." Dyan Diaz, 30, says this means: "They are taking stuff out of the ocean like jellyfish and dissecting it and telling us it is good for your skin." Heh. Good guess! Actually, Olay claims, "Aquacurrent Science, the study of water movement in the skin and hair, helps create products with greater moisturization." Disappointing, huh, Dyan? Jellyfish gunk sounds way more effective.

What about Clarins Younger Longer Balm, "with advanced neuro-cosmetic technology and rare concentrated botanicals, skin is revitalized"? Yeah, that's right. Neuro-cosmetic. Soline McLain, a 28-year-old law student, says: "I would think it has to do with the brain. It makes you smarter? I will put it on when I am studying for constitutional law." (Hahahahaha! It actually has to do with nerve endings in the skin.)

As for Estée Lauder Re-Nutriv Ultimate Lifting skin care, "'Virtual immunity' means you’ll see a noticeably more lifted look, a brilliant clarity, a newly refined smoothness." Virtual immunity. Virtual immunity. Carmel Agdeppa, 27, wonders: "Is it better for your skin against any foreign bacteria?" Oh, Carmel! If only. Instead, Estée Lauder explains that if you use their cream, your skin "essentially appears almost as if it has been exempted from the signs of premature aging." Essentially. Almost. As if. Haha! The fact that they expect anyone to believe that is the most hilarious part of all.

Let’s Play Buzzword: Defining Phrases Used in Skin Care Advertising [NY Times]