Jezebel
crappy hour
Posts Tagged “
Bear Stearns
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crappy hour
crappy hour
Oil: There's No Doubt, We're In Deep Guys!
So Big Oil is finally going to get some payback for its tireless efforts promoting that disastrous invasion of The Iraq! Megan and I are sooooo happy for them. The "unusual" no-bid contracts about to be awarded to Exxon, BP, Shell, Total and Chevron reunite all the original partners in the Iraq Petroleum Company that held a monopoly on Iraqi oil exploration until 1961 when some communist decided that wasn't "fair" to the Iraqi people and nationalized oil, which is incidentally what the Republicans are accusing the Democrats of trying to do over here. Newt Gingrich was on Fox this morning telling everyone America needs to "Declare Energy Independence" on July 4 this year but like this apparently Robert Palmer inspired propaganda poster points out we're probably going to have to figure out how to detox somehow, which would be one thing if we had some sort of growing employment sector to withstand the rising prices, like the South Koreans who are busy making all the ships out there looking for oil. That and Obama says no thanks to a nationalized campaign, some Bear Stearns guys get arrested and Larry Sinclair is insane with me and Megan after the jump. More »
news roundup
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Hates His Nose In This Picture
- Khalid Sheikh Mohammed thinks the courtroom artist drew his nose too wide. He lost a bunch of weight on the Guantanamo diet and totally turns out to be one of those secretly vain terror masterminds. [USA Today]
- This will shock you: Bob Dylan is voting for Barack Obama. Okay, I was kidding about the shocked part. [Times]
- There was this whole movement afoot to strongarm Barry into picking Hillary over some of his other bros but I think Hillary took a step back and said, "You know, this is bullshit, I don't care anymore, if he wants me he wants me," and although the hardest part about doing that is always the realization that he's probably gonna be all "It ain't me babe," I'm glad she did that. [NY Times]
- You just have to accept that in the Catholic Church shit takes awhile, and that if a priest is accused of pedophilia it might take a few years or even decades to remove him. Now, if he mocks Hillary Clinton and it ends up on YouTube, on the other hand, now that is when you gotta sever all ties right away. [Chicago Tribune] [The Root]
- Well this is a new one: alcohol cutting your risk of arthritis. I pretty much always thought gout was arthritis, and that you get that from wine, so this is pretty awesome news, not that I would even notice I had arthritis what with the shakes and whatnot. [BBC]
news roundup
Barack Obama Alienates Typical White Person Population
- Barry called his grandma a "typical white person" on WIP, a highly erudite Philadelphia AM radio station, and now typical white people everywhere are left to ponder this. [Wonkette]
- Scooter Libby was disbarred. it probably could have happened to a nicer guy, but not one who had written so explicitly about dog fucking! [Wash Post]
- "You're acting like it's our fault, and it's not." That's JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon to Bear Stearns shareholders. Such a mensch. [NY Mag]
- Tibet's whole "independence" idea is catching on with Taiwan just in time to affect their elections. (Wait a second, if Taiwan has its own elections, does it really need independence?) Sigh. [NYT]
- A radio interviewer asked Dick Cheney about his dead-bottoming in opinion polls, the squandering of a trillion dollars and the loss of 600,000 or so lives, and Dick Cheney was all like, "So?" No SRSLY. [Wash Post]
news roundup
Barack Obama Defended By Mike Huckabee, Still No Word From Grandma
- Obama's slightly racist grandma is not dead, she just doesn't feel like commenting on his speech apparently. Here is a picture of her clutching her grandson for fear of being beaten up by darker-skinned black men. No just kidding, it's just a graduation picture. Sorry to drag you into this, Madelyn Dunham.
- ""As easy as it is for those of us who are white to look back and say 'That's a terrible statement!' ... I grew up in a very segregated South. And I think that you have to cut some slack — and I'm gonna be probably the only conservative in America who's gonna say something like this, but I'm just tellin' you — we've gotta cut some slack to people who grew up being called names..." Well Jesus F. Christ Mike Huckabee, if you didn't just win yourself some major days off from Purgatory right there. [Politico]
- John McCain keeps randomly linking Iran with Al Qaeda. I'd say he's trying to make this into a self-fulfilling prophecy like happened with Iraq and Al Qaeda so that he can make the 100 years thing its own self-fulfilling prophecy. But he could also be just old. [Huffington Post]
- Getting raped on Spring Break is just par for the course these days I guess, but getting raped and then hurled over a sixth-floor balcony is a bit much. [ABC News]
- Hillary's packed schedule as First Lady consisted mostly of philanthropic crap, ceremonial visits to foreign countries and REDACTED. Newspapers are still frantically scanning the newly released papers to find out more re our former "co-President" but one thing we do know... [Wash Post]
charity begins at summer home
An Inspiring Story Of Selflessness In The Hamptons
9/11 firefighters, marines who save Iraqi puppies... I think we can all agree that pretty words are nice, but nothing warms the cockles like those brave, special citizens who, in the midst of social crisis, rise to the challenge and pledge to do all they can to help their neighbors. And so readers, I am avibe with good...uh...vibes over an email we received today from a tipster by the name of "Schadenfrau" originally sent by a firm called BF Designs, in reaction to the terrible tragedy under way at Bear Stearns, the investment bank that is no longer run by the pothead bridge champion. BF Designs, located in Southampton, New York, provides a specialized service known as "staging" houses, which is to say, they clean up your house and make it look like you have really good taste so it looks better when you show it to prospective buyers. And what, praytell, might such a firm's role in soothing the nation's financial crisis? Read on, and be inspired. More »
crappy hour
What, You Assumed The Blind Guy Would Be A Faithful Husband? Did None Of You See Ray?
Oh, what? You thought blindness would be an effective antidote to the old "wandering eye" problem? Wrong! Being blind just means crap taste in hotels. But here's the part we don't get: why, after you've been illicitly screwing some broad at the 94th street Days Inn do you take your wife back there? And what's more highbrow, Days Inn for a blind man in New York, or T.G.I. Friday's for a closeted gay and his orgy club in New Jersey? Is any of this as highbrow as getting called "guido" by the Jersey shore posse of Ashley Alexandra Dupre? Glamocracy's Megan Carpentier and I discuss all this, Obama's mystery brother in RED CHINA, and how the unprecedented JP Morgan-Bear Stearns-Fed bailout came together because the JP Morgan investment banking chief and the new Bear Stearns CEO were frat brothers at Duke. Oh yeah, and Obama is about to address the subject of his insane pastor who thinks white people control everything. That's happening now! Liveblog it, folks! More »
news roundup
Barack Obama's Pastor: More Hated Than The President?!
- Barack Obama has always been black, but since he was raised by a white mom in Hawaii and Jakarta he did not always have much in the way of a black community, and so when he moved to Chicago he started attending this black church where the pastor says the sort of hyperbolic shit pastors often say, only the media doesn't really cover the hyperbolic shit that gets said at black churches the way they cover the shit that gets said at white churches because black people aren't constantly trying to equate abortion with the Holocaust or replace the Constitution with the Ten Commandments, maybe because they just aren't as bossy as white religious people because they've never been in a position of societal dominance, which is actually something of which they are both aware and not exactly stoked about, and when you are a preacher you kinda play to that. So, like, Obama is going to try and address all of this in a speech tomorrow night. [CNN]
- And good luck Barry: your pastor's approval rating roughly on par with Al Qaeda's. [Rasmussen]
- But the church people love him! [ABC News]
- A leading pimp says Eliot Spitzer must have been a sex addict if he had to pay for any of his sex. [NY Mag]
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crappy hour
Happy Non-St. Pat's Day, Folks! The World Is Currently Ending
How was your weekend? Hey! Guess who cares; no one. Fucking End Times came while you were drinking green beer or whatever, to the point that I shouldn't have to bait you with the fact that the McGreeveys HAD HARD CORE INTENSE BUTT SEX ORGIES WITH MARGARITAS/ POTATO SKIN PLATTERS AT T.G.I.FRIDAYS. But there I go baiting you! Okay, seriously though: did you know today is not St. Patrick's Day? No, the Vatican foresaw that everyone would be drinking heavily anyway today and rescheduled it so it wouldn't conflict with the collapse of the American financial system/China's control over its populace/numerous buildings. In other news, John McCain is taking some soothing R&R in Iraq. Will Spielberg and the Beastie Boys and the rest of the "Dalai clique" spoil the Olympics for China? Will the Fed bail me out in the event of a liquidity crisis in approx four weeks? Why can't I get in on Bear Stearns at two bucks a share? All that and odds on Laura Bush dropping her cookie sheet to call up Hu Jintao on behalf of her precious hot monks with me and Glamocracy's Megan Carpentier. JUMP. More »
news roundup
Tibet Will Pay For Taking Orders From Bjork!
- It is not the best time to visit the capital of Tibet. A peaceful monk-dominated demonstration gave way to angry looting/arson/chaos/etc. over the past few days, and now the streets of Lhasa are full of tanks and teargas and fires. Probably a hundred have died, which makes this worse than Tiananmen kinda. It's a good thing our government is so unpreoccupied and globally respected right now so we will be able to respond in a way that is decisive and credible and hopefully ends the violence soon! [NYT]
- China is blaming the Dalai Lama's "clique" for "masterminding" the riots from his exile in India. He's urging his clique not to resort to violence. [Reuters]
- Oh yeah, and China is also blaming Bjork. [NME]
- Our government gets to spy on us easier now, though not as easy as the Senate would have it. [Wash Post]
- Oh, yeah, and now the fuckers who brought civilization A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila care about democracy? [IAmTRex]
- Hugo Chavez did not declare war on Colombia. [Bloomberg]
