Numbers one and two, to her credit, aren't bad: bathe; and talk dirty. Far be it from us to discourage men from bathing before sex (especially if anyone in the relationship enjoys teabagging) and, certainly, a little dirty talk can be good for some women — but those are far from universal fantasies as promised by the writer. Of course, bathing doesn't mesh with number three, which is to fuck your partner senseless after mowing the lawn shirtless, but that seems to be more of an invitation for role-playing, which, yay for role-playing.

It's really number 4 where we start to think this list was not penned by a woman.

4. Ask me to perform yoga poses naked.
I've been preparing for it every week while bent over and staring through my legs at the mirror on the yoga-studio wall. This is not a performance I'll volunteer for. I need a little encouragement, goading even, but I will give in. And you'll especially like the views when I'm in camel pose and standing bow.

I think most women know the difference between good naked and bad naked and, believe me, some yoga poses are not good-naked. Additionally, encouraging men to take up "goading" a woman into something is not good advice.

Then there are the vaguely coercive things the writer advocates.

5. Slide your hand up my skirt when you're following me upstairs.

And

8. Ambush me in the shower and direct a strong stream of warm water precisely at my clitoris. Adjust your aim even as I giggle and squirm around the tub. I've done this by myself, plenty of times, but having you do it to me is way sexier and a hundred times more fun.

Um, no, let's also not advocate that men don't take "no" for an answer or paw their partners at every opportunity.

On that note, let's just also say that some women are really not into incredibly visibly possessive men.

14. Kiss me in front of your friends or coworkers and slip me the tiniest bit of tongue. They'll think we have a smokin' sex life. Other women will wish they had a guy like you. That will make me feel very lucky, and very horny.

Yes, there's nothing like placing your sex life over your professionalism, and putting your mark on a woman that just makes her weak at the knees. That's obviously hot. Maybe he can also pee in a circle around her, just to make sure the meaning is obvious?

13. Buy more of those snug, gray boxers with the buttons on the crotch. I want to work them open with my teeth.

I will guarantee right here and now that half the men reading this involuntarily crossed their legs.

The rest of the stuff isn't terrible — perform cunnilingus! play with her nipples after penetration! give her a massage! read a book to know what you're doing — but in addition to the guy who would chase me around with a massaging showerhead, there is one piece of truly terrible advice that would cause me to kick even Daniel Craig out of bed (and my house).

10. Ask to take black-and-white photos of me naked.
I want you to, but I'm not so cocky as to suggest that my body could be a work of art. That's why I need you to do it for me. Bring it up after we've had sex. Tell me that the curve of my hips needs to be immortalized. Then, one rainy Saturday night, produce a bottle of wine and a camera.

Um, no, don't get a girl drunk and then try to take naked pictures of her. Gross, dude. And now I totally know who wrote this.

Make Her Fantasies Come True [Men's Health]

[At The Hope Martin Animal Foundation Annual Fundraiser, January 2. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

Brentwood, CA. December 27. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

New York, December 27. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

Beverly Hills, CA. December 24. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

Costa Mesa, CA. December 13. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

New York, November 22. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

New York, November 15. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

Miami Beach, FL. November 14. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

London, November 7. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

New York, October 30. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

New York, November 1. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

Los Angeles, October 31. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

(All images via Bauer-Griffin.)

5.) Anal Is Optional Some gay men I know who are in their mid to late 20s have never had anal sex and don't really ever want to. Maybe they just haven't met that special guy to lose their anal virginity to, or maybe they are correct in the assessment that it just isn't for them. (I wouldn't know about pitching, but catching can hurt like a motherfucker.) Other gay guys I know only have anal sex with someone They're really close to. In this day and age where porn is so pervasive, people feel required to be a little more adventurous (which can be a good thing!), but just because you're open to trying new things, doesn't mean that your asshole is. And forcing the issue can lead to rectal bleeding.

4.) Sex Can Be Expected Or A Given For the most part, when gay men go on a date, or hook up with someone they've met on the internet or whatever, both parties assume (and hope) that the end result of the evening will be sex. I totally get this. Particularly because, personally, I would never be alone with a man unless I'd already decided that I wanted to fuck him, and also because I don't see the point in holding in my farts around someone all night long unless I got something out of it. Camille Paglia has said that "one of the costs of modern feminism is that women must be like gay men who understand that every date is a sexual encounter," adding that the way for women to be safe in our sexual relationships is to acknowledge and accept that it's dangerous territory, and to be equipped to deal with all that that entails. She's said, "Everyone in the gay male world knows that the price of sexual adventure can be death, so I am tired of young women regarding themselves as a special class that somehow wants a perfect experience."

3.) Stay Friendly With Former Lovers Every gay guy I have ever met stays friendly with at least some of his former hookups. Sometimes they become really close friends. Sometimes the old flames (heh) set them up with other guys they'd slept with, acknowledging that they are much better suited for each other. Sometimes they have sex with their ex-BF's ex-BFs. It's called "six degrees of Kevin's bacon." This might just be a New York thing, I dunno. But it's kind of a good idea. I say, yes, stay friendly with past hookups — and eliminate any jealous feelings — especially if they're hot or really genuine, because birds of a feather and all that. They might be able to set you up with someone else that you can actually date long term.

2.) Dominant/Submissive Roles With most gay couples there is a top and there is a bottom. But there is a give-and-take aspect to pretty much all sexual relationships across the board. In straight relationships, there seems to be this embarrassment for "progressive" people about a man taking the dominant role and a woman taking the submissive role. It's like the parties involved are afraid they'll set the women's movement back 50 years if a girl's hair gets pulled, or if her ass gets smacked, or if she's told what to do in bed. As long it's between consenting adults, no one should feel bad about what turns them on. Gay men don't have this problem of dividing the sexual power play.

1.) Resolving Our Sexual Selves With the Rest of Our Lives Identifying as gay means that your sex life helps defines who you are way more than it does for straight people. Perhaps having it so out there is why it's so much easier for gay men to embrace their sexuality while also embracing other facets of their lives, like for example, domesticity. Maybe it's part of the whole virgin/whore thing, but people find it weird when hyper-sexual women are also into things like, say, homemaking. It's totally accepted that gay men can be equally psyched about going to Bed, Bath, & Beyond and sniffing out a sale on pillows and matching damasks, and going to bed and having marathon sex (maybe in a threesome?). But people still have this stereotype in their minds of what a woman who enjoys filthy sex should be like. We should all accept that women, too, are multi-faceted creatures who might be into sucking a dick one night, and tatting a doily another; nailing a picture to the wall one night, or getting nailed against a wall another.

Earlier: Mad Men: Don Draper Dominates Dames

[Portofino, Italy; July 5. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

(And on.)

[New York, May 27. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[Los Angeles, February 20. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[LAX, Feb. 14. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

• Uh-oh... Tracie Rice, the woman who was in the car Lindsay Lohan chased at high speed right before her DUI arrest last July, claims she has spent upwards of $3,500 on therapy since the incident (and lost her job). Guess who she wants to pay for the shrink? Papers have been filed! [TMZ]
  
• Lindsay is also being sued by the busboy who was injured when her car smashed into his vehicle in 2005. Raymundo Ortega is also naming The Ivy restaurant in his suit; he claims the hotspot supplied LL with booze before the accident. Linz had better quit shopping and start working. [TMZ]
  
• The cancellation of the Golden Globes means no movie studio parties, no magazine parties, no hotel room reservations, no limos, etc. The Los Angeles economy will reportedly take a $100 million hit. [Page Six]
  
• The LAPD issued a restraining order to Britney Spears last Thursday night during her custody standoff. The emergency protective order is enforced for five business days and dictates that the person it's placed on stays 100 feet from the other person or face arrest. Sick of this story yet? [People]

• Rapper Eminem was rushed to the hospital over the holidays for pneumonia and a heart condition. Sources say his weight has "ballooned" to 212 lbs. Thick Shady? [TMZ]
• Preggo teen Jamie Lynn Spears: Loves the soundtrack to Juno. No, really. [Page Six]
• Zoey 101, Jamie Lynn's Nickelodeon show, is experiencing its highest ratings ever. Nothing says "hot teen entertainment" like a knocked-up star. [E!]
• And hey, Jamie Lynn is attending parenting classes with her mom, so that could be good. [MSNBC]
• Dita Von Teese is suing an L.A.-based dominatrix who allegedly stole the proceeds to a film Ms. Von Teese made in 2001. Not sure how you get a dominatrix to back down... maybe Dita needs a "safe word"? [Page Six]
• Blind-esque item! "Which former presidential daughter is on the 'Anna Wintour facial refreshment plan'? Before she went on a book tour last year, she paid a visit to her dermatologist to get Botox, restalyne and collagen injections so she could face the public looking like her old self." [Page Six]
• Will Smith: Loving Scientology! He gave the crew of a film gifts when the movie wrapped: cards good for a personality test at any local Scientology center. Which, incidentally, you can get free. From the Church of Scientology. [Gatecrasher]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: Getting drinks even after the bar was closed at the Critics Choice Awards. Sucks not to be them. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which distinctively named member of a chart-topping pop group swings both ways? He surprised his male talent escort at a recent Hollywood red-carpet event with an invitation back to his hotel room." [Gatecrasher]
• "I'm not going to tell her to go to rehab. She's not an idiot, she knows what her problem is." — Kelly Osbourne on Amy Winehouse. [Mirror]
• Right before the new season of American Idol begins: Paula Abdul had a "nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes" at the Continental Airlines terminal at LAX, says a source. "One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the nest she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled Poltergeist voice." [MSNBC]
• An anchor on the Golf Channel (?) said that other golfers should "lynch Tiger Woods in a back alley." Absolutely unconscionable. [Perez Hilton]
• Sopranos star James Gandolfini has asked his girlfriend, former model Deborah Lin, to marry him. She said yes. [Perez Hilton]
• Jennifer Lopez says there was "massive pressure" from her family to get knocked up. "When Marc and I first got married, my mother rang me every day asking if there was any news," she spills. "I come from a Latino family where it's all about children." Surely her mother will be doubly psyched when J. Lo gives birth to twins? [People]
• A carbon footprint organization has rated green rock bands and Pete Doherty is greener than Sting. And not green as in he smokes green. [Mirror]
• Jude Law's ex-wife Sadie Frost, 42, has been shagging men in their 20s. "It's not a conscious thing but dating a younger man seems to work," she says. "They're not so intimidated by the fact that I've got a family." (Sadie's got four kids!) [Daily Express]
• Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil is "falling apart" in prison. He's had to receive medical attention for self-inflicted injuries; he's been slashing his arms and breaking down in tears. [TransWorldNews]
• Jessica Alba on teen heartthrob Zac Efron: "He looks like a child with a lot of makeup. I was like, My God, you're just a little kid." [News.com.au]
• Fergie is a sex freak. Yeah, didn't need to know, but there it is. [The Sun]

[London, England; January 7. Image via Bauer Griffin.]

[Sydney, January 2. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[Santa Monica, CA; December 21. Image via Bauer Griffin.]

[London, December 21. Image via Bauer Griffin.]

[New York, NY; Dec. 20. Image via Bauer Griffin.]

[London, December 19. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[New York, December 16. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[New York, December 18. Image via Bauer Griffin.]

[London, December 13. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[New York, December 13. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[New York, December 13. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[Los Angeles, Decemebr 12. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[Beverly Hills, CA; Dec. 11. Image via FilmMagic.]

[Hollywood, December 9. Images via Bauer-Griffin.]

[New York, December 6. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[LAX, December 6. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[New York, December 6. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

For a different shot (featuring both nostrils) click here and scroll down.

Oh, and here she is, sweating, drooling, and taking her pants off in front of like 50 photogs.

[London, December 5. Top two images via Flynet; last image via Bauer-Griffin.]