bathroom - Jezebel

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"If You Have An Erection And Have To Pee..."
It's High Time We Talked About Toilet Paper
Global Conference On Loos May Lead To More Ladies Rooms
I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

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PrairieGirl
07/23/09

In reply to "If You Have An Erection And Have To Pee..."
OK, I totally can't remember where I read or heard this story or what time period the story is supposed to be set but here goes:

A bunch of hoity-toity type people were having a fancy dinner at someone's house. Coffee was served with the usual cream and sugar cubes. One of the ladies seemed very offended by the sugar cubes. After the party was over the host called her and asked what was bothering her about the sugar. After a lot of convincing she finally admitted that she found it appalling that the men would pick up the cubes with their fingers. She did not want to think that a man's fingers, that had potentially touched his private parts when he went to the bathroom, then touched any sugar cubes she might have put in her coffee. Women can be trusted to wash their hands, she said, but you just never know with men. The host explained that he understood her angst over this. He promised the problem would be taken care of at the next dinner party; he would make sure that tongs were available. At the next dinner party the woman was upset to see that there were still no tongs with the sugar cubes. But then she overheard one of the men commenting about how strange it was that there were sugar tongs hanging up in the bathroom.

Sorry, a very long and very silly post.
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NaomiReindeer
07/23/09

In reply to "If You Have An Erection And Have To Pee..."
Living with a male for the first time (albeit, the construction-working-eating-"hoagies"-watches-UFC male), this has been a hard transition.
I've grown up in a house of 3 women vs. 1 man (4 if you include the dog) and his 1 woman vs. 4 men upbringing, we were from entirely different worlds.

He tried, he truly did, but 22 years of leaving the seat up had left their impact, and me carrying the rage of a thousand suns.

I realized we could allow this to be the detriment of an otherwise functional and great relationship...or I could take action.

Then came the toilet seat "device".

I began to assemble household tools together in my head, which would hold the seat from the lid enough to allow access for my ~beloved~'s needs, but force him to close by force of this invention. After careful consideration (I'm quite embarrassed to admit how much thought and "test runs" this took), the final result....

Duct tape, and a small rag, fastened to the center "hinges" of the seat and toilet.

He despises it, but I've assured him the training wheels come off on his sixth birthday of bathroom ettiquette.
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stacyinbean
07/23/09

@NaomiReindeer: It's the only rule I ever attempted to enforce when living with my ex, they DO learn, I promise! He grew up with 6 brothers, I feel your pain. What I've learned is that there either needs to be a reward or penalty system. With the ex it was a reward system, but when I moved back in with my parents for awhile it was a penalty system for my dad. I would leave all the lights on in every room (his major pet peeve) if he left the seat up. Seat down, lights off, everyone is happy. If you can work out something like that, you might be able to make this work!
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special_boots
07/23/09

In reply to "If You Have An Erection And Have To Pee..."
The comments on this make me really sad (on Buzzfeed, not Jez). Ann Landers solved the lid issue MANY years ago: everyone who uses the toilet, put both the seat AND the lid down. It is more sanitary (who doesn't put the lid down when they flush? It's an imperfect solution, yes, but better than nothing), for one thing, and for another -- I still remember how she put it -- that way no one going into the bathroom is greeted by, quote, "the gaping maw of the commode."

Simple, gender-neutral, and hygienic. You are missed, Ann Landers.
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EkaterinaBallerina
07/23/09

@special_boots: This one is a true gem:

"1. Lifting the lid takes exactly one second. You could have lifted a thousand lids in the time it took to write this bitchy note."

Hah, asshole, dropping the seat back down takes just as long!

I can't believe they didn't realize this was a joke!
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AtomiClash: humanitarian misanthrope
07/23/09

In reply to "If You Have An Erection And Have To Pee..."
The only thing I can't get behind on this silly list is the decorative soap nonsense. I still don't know WTF that shit is for. It's right up there with guest hand towels.
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Jack_Burton
07/23/09

@AtomiClash: humanitarian misanthrope: I think it's a nesting / income thing... When I worry about this, there will be a guest bathroom that can contain faux-soap and faux-towels.
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NefariousNewt
07/23/09

In reply to "If You Have An Erection And Have To Pee..."
Note to guys: If you get a few drops on or around the toilet, a little piece of toilet paper takes care of those. There's no reason to leave your near-misses behind -- we're not marking territory.
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EkaterinaBallerina
07/23/09

In reply to "If You Have An Erection And Have To Pee..."
My friend and I were once waiting in line behind a guy for the bathroom at a really grungy bar in St.Petersburg and when the door opened, the guy peeked in and turned around and exclaimed "Eww!!" to us. As he shut the door, I screamed "At least you don't have to sit down!" I'm not sure he heard me though, because I said it in English.
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CurtCole
07/23/09

In reply to "If You Have An Erection And Have To Pee..."
I spend the bulk of my time in public toilets thinking, "Pretend it's water on the floor, pretend it's water on the floor...."
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JerseyGrrrl
07/23/09

@CurtCole: I have long wanted to ask: Is it that hard to direct a penis or is painting the wall, as I suspect, intentional (an expression of the frat boy within)??
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CurtCole
07/23/09

@JerseyGrrrl: I think it must be one of those "because I can" mentalities that bring about this behavior. There is no other excuse I can think of. Oh, and it is very easy to aim, some dudes just treat them like fire hoses.
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BabyJane
07/23/09

@CurtCole: Like Ben Kingsley's character in Sexy Beast. I felt sorry for the bath mat in that scene.
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Edited by BabyJane at 07/23/09 4:41 PM BabyJane was starred BabyJane was unstarred

CurtCole
07/23/09

@BabyJane: AH, forgot about that.
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hovy
07/23/09

@CurtCole: I'd take a public toilet over the shithole that is my office's mens room. It gets cleaned maybe once every 2-3 weeks.

Right now one of the toilets is covered in puke. Not the inside of the bowl, but the entire toilet itself. Been like that for over a week. (Which makes one wonder just what the fuck happened there.) It's really digusting.
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HarpMadness
07/23/09

In reply to "If You Have An Erection And Have To Pee..."
I don't know how you men live with those things.
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Edited by HarpMadness at 07/23/09 3:36 PM HarpMadness was starred HarpMadness was unstarred

NefariousNewt
07/23/09

@HarpMadness: It's not easy... they have a mind of their own.
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LuvEwan
07/23/09

In reply to "If You Have An Erection And Have To Pee..."
I work at a shoe store with three men and we all share a bathroom. I have actually learned to levitate above the toilet.
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NefariousNewt
07/23/09

In reply to "If You Have An Erection And Have To Pee..."
If I have an erection and I have to urinate, I sit down on the toilet, instead of standing up. Who the hell pees in the shower?
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colormeroutine
07/23/09

@NefariousNewt: My high school health teacher told us it was impossible to pee with an erection. I am shocked by this revelation
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Etoiles
07/23/09

@colormeroutine: I'm thinking, it can't be all _that_ complicated or guys -- my fiancé among them, but also including ex-boyfriends and guys I've just shared rooms with and pretended not to notice -- wouldn't all be able to go pee nearly first thing in the morning.
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debauch
07/23/09

@colormeroutine: Its possible but annoying.
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Trulymadlyme
07/23/09

@NefariousNewt: I just aim.
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GirlFailer
07/23/09

@colormeroutine: My husband says it hard to get started but not impossible, and it sprays in any which direction. I think he sits to pee if that's an issue, too. I don't see why it's a big deal.
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save jinger
07/23/09

@NefariousNewt: Lots of people pee in the shower...while showering.
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CurtCole
07/23/09

@NefariousNewt: Same here, you just have to sit in a really awkward position.
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BearDownCBears
07/23/09

@Etoiles: You just push it through, and the boner slowly goes away. It hurts.
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save jinger
07/23/09

@CurtCole:
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AtomiClash: humanitarian misanthrope
07/23/09

@colormeroutine: did this individual also tell you that having sex in any way would almost certainly result in an STD? I find such folks highly suspect...

@NefariousNewt: Have you ever seen Slackers? There's a shower peeing scene... it just ain't right...
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Ailatan
07/23/09

@save jinger: you're friends with the urinator, aren't you?
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NefariousNewt
07/23/09

@colormeroutine: Not impossible, just very, very difficult.
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CurtCole
07/23/09

@save jinger: That won't work silly, I don't have red hair!
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Edited by CurtCole at 07/23/09 3:43 PM CurtCole was starred CurtCole was unstarred

token_illiterate_commenter
07/23/09

@Trulymadlyme: Show off. You and your super marksman abilities.
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save jinger
07/23/09

@Ailatan: Is that a superhero?
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fauxfruit
07/23/09

@colormeroutine: the swelling of blood vessels is supposed to clamp the urethra closed. so, it's POSSIBLE, but like the dude's are already saying on here, it's not easy.
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Penny
07/23/09

@save jinger: That's what my boyfriend does.
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BabyJane
07/23/09

@BearDownCBears: That must be particularly tough on those poor men whose erections last more than six hours. (I bet they're thinking, "thanks Viagra!")
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Edited by BabyJane at 07/23/09 3:48 PM BabyJane was starred BabyJane was unstarred

save jinger
07/23/09

@CurtCole: Well, then, this site has lots of tips for men of any hair color. I'd post the pics, but they might be a tad NSFW: http://www.sexhax.com/peeing.html
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Edited by save jinger at 07/23/09 3:47 PM save jinger was starred save jinger was unstarred

Ailatan
07/23/09

@save jinger: this is what I found in the image search:
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save jinger
07/23/09

@Ailatan:
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BabyJane
07/23/09

@save jinger: The reusable part is really what attracts people to the product.
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GreyEminence
07/23/09

@GirlSailor: Yeah, at the risk of revealing too much, it's hard to get started, and the stream isn't 'consistent.' Like, you involuntarily start and stop. It's actually rather uncomfortable.
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CurtCole
07/23/09

@GreyEminence: Anything is easier than after-sex peeing, that is a minefield in and of itself. I always advise sitting for those.
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mirrorghost
07/23/09

@CurtCole:

really? i'd think by then the erection is going down, so it wouldn't be as difficult??

also, this post is giving me many questions to ask my bf tomorrow. which he will be annoyed by.
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whats_in_a_name
07/23/09

@mirrorghost: The actual peeing part of after sex peeing is easy, it's the aiming part that is difficult. It tends to go at all sorts of random angles and even split into multiple streams.

That's why as several other guys have suggested its allways best to sit down for the after sex pee.
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bananaprincess
01/28/09

In reply to It's High Time We Talked About Toilet Paper
my 8 year old is really into saving the planet maybe this is why he does not use any paper as far as I can tell.
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Mrs. Jones
01/27/09

In reply to It's High Time We Talked About Toilet Paper
One word: BIDET

They do it in France ... how could it be wrong?
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Tart of Darkness
01/28/09

@Mrs. Jones: It's a great idea except in areas where water is limited. We live in low flow toilet land and it's only going to get worse. Now wealthy people with McMansions can have all the water they like. But we all know that their shiz don't stink anyway.
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Scout
01/27/09

In reply to It's High Time We Talked About Toilet Paper
buy a bidet
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thesciencegirl
01/27/09

In reply to It's High Time We Talked About Toilet Paper
I use too much TP, but it's such a habit to grab a big wad that I don't ever really think about it. I was at a concert with friends recently, and my stall was out of TP, so I called over to my friend next to me to pass me some, and she handed me the tiniest little 4 square scrap and said something like, "I can't imagine you'll need more than that." and I was just agog. I was like, uhhh, yeah, give me more please.

I have clogged up more bathrooms at parties and coffeeshops and things than I care to share.
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TildeMarks
01/27/09

In reply to It's High Time We Talked About Toilet Paper
While I appreciate the effort of those who use recycled/natural paper, my sensitive bottom simply cannot handle the scratch. Seriously, I end up so chaffed I bleed. Therefore, I indulge in one thing, and that's the softest, most expensive, most Aloe and E packed rolls of satiny lushness that I can find.

I figure for every purchase of the good wipe I buy, I am not driving to a doctor, then to a pharmacy, then home again to fill a prescription for some cream or another to soothe my rear. I offset with a comfy bottom in the first place.

Besides, Tilde with a case of "Bad TP Butt" is nearly a nuclear situation in and of itself.
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Tart of Darkness
01/28/09

@TildeMarks: To quote Fight Club "recycling toilet paper must be the worst job in the world."
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