• Joaquin Phoenix's rap career: An elaborate hoax? Sort of.

More of an "art project," in which he's pretending to have a meltdown and change careers. While bro-in-law Casey Affleck films it all. [EW]

• Amy Winehouse. Topless. Playing Scrabble. [The Sun]
• Oh no: Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, is making robocalls for Scientology. Using Bart Simpson's voice, and saying, "Hey, this is Bart Simpson — Just kidding!" This is bad news bears. [Perez]
• Gary Oldman has a simple explanation for how he came to accept Heath Ledger's SAG award: "We went for a wonderful meal with [Heath's] family in New York, we got on very well. [Later] they called and said, 'Would I pick it up for [Heath] if he won?'" [Mirror]
• Did Kate Winslet "blow her chance" to win an Oscar by forgetting Angelina Jolie at the Golden Globes? [Telegraph]
• The parents of two kids in Slumdog Millionaire claim the movie may be making millions, but they continue to live in "grinding poverty." One father says: "I am very happy the movie is doing so well, but it is making so much money and so much fame and the money they paid us is nothing." [Telegraph]
• More Slumdog issues: A social activist in Mumbai has filed a complaint in a local court against director Danny Boyle, saying the film's title is damaging and discriminating. The guy has also named some stray dogs after the Danny Boyle and the stars of the film. He explains: "When the British ruled India, they called Indians 'dogs'. Why do we want to call these poor children 'dogs' 60 years after we got independence?" [Yahoo News via Reuters]
• Jessica Simpson's workout 2005 video was squashed by Big Daddy Joe Simpson, but if you follow this link you'll find a clip from the tape and audio from Jessica's business manager, in which he calls Jess a bitch and Joe an asshole. [Defamer]
• Guy Ritchie's dad, John, is pretty damn pleased his son is not with Madonna anymore. He tells In Touch: "The worst thing would be if they reconciled" and he's happy Madge has "lots of boyfriends" since it means she'll leave Guy alone. He also says: "There are no big arguments between them. All they discuss is the children." [Perez]
• Will Paris Hilton hit on Prince Harry now that he's single? "I think he's a nice guy, I love Chelsy though - I think she's so sweet - so I wouldn't try anything." [Telegraph]
• Why did Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy break up? Maybe time and distance pulled them apart. Maybe the relationship had "run its course." [People]
• Wait a minute: Kate Middleton is allergic to horses? Does polo-playing Prince William know? Does the Queen know? [Daily Mail]
• Whoa: Kelly Rowland has fired manager Matthew Knowles, who's always been like a dad to her. Was she sick of playing second banana to Beyoncé? [Bossip]
• Michael Jackson has serious, serious problems, including massive debt and, um, the Thriller musical. [Fox 411]
• Salma Hayek and Harvey Weinstein threw a Hollywood Hills bash to honor Penelope Cruz's Oscar nod, and everyone was there: Scarlett Johansson and hubby Ryan Reynolds, Ashton Kutcher and wife Demi Moore, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, Antonio Banderas and wife Melanie Griffith, Charlize Theron and partner Stuart Townsend, and Angela Bassett and hubby Courtney B. Vance. Oh, and Colin Farrell. And Prince. ScarJo has dark hair now. [Gatecrasher]
• Catherine Zeta-Jones has homegrown kitchen beauty secrets: Honey and salt to exfoliate; beer shampoo; apple or strawberry for toothpaste. [Daily Mail]
• Apparently, when Jessica Alba called Bill O'Reilly "kind of an a-hole," he shot back and called her a pinhead for telling a reporter to "Be Sweden about it," assuming she meant Switzerland. Alba blogged on her MySpace: "Last week, Mr. Bill O'Reilly and some really classy sites (i.e.TMZ) insinuated I was dumb by claiming Sweden was a neutral country. I appreciate the fact that he is a news anchor and that gossip sites are inundated with intelligent reporting, but seriously people... it's so sad to me that you think the only neutral country during WWII was Switzerland." Turns out Sweden was neutral and Alba was right. And O'Reilly is an a-hole. [MSNBC]
• Who comes from royalty? Whose family owned slaves? Sarah Jessica Parker and Susan Sarandon will star in NBC's genealogy reality series Who Do You Think You Are? Lisa Kudrow is executive producing the show, which explores celeb ancestral histories. [Reuters via Hollywood Reporter]
• The ladies pictured with Russell Brand yesterday have spoken to the press. "Russell took his clothes off as soon as we got through his front door. He was definitely wanting a threesome — and he thought he was going to get one," says the one who was wearing a blue onesie and white stilettos for the night. The women left because they "had a photoshoot." Russell gave the paper a different version of events: "Those women were at Brand Towers as they assured me they were qualified engineers and could fix my washing machine. I only took my clothes off 'cos I wanted to bung a load in. The washing machine is still broke but my clothes are remarkably unstained." [Daily Mail]
• Keith Olbermann, Tyra Banks, Suze Orman, Gus Van Sant, k.d. lang, Ellen DeGeneres and Rachel Maddow: All nominated for GLAAD awards. [Page Six]
• NYC socialite Olivia Palermo wants to be a serious actress. That's why she is on The City, a "reality" show. [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which married Oscar winner was caught pants- down in a club closet, getting naughty with a tranny? The waitress who walked in on the pair was so stunned, she dropped her drink tray." [Gatecrasher]
• Hotel mogul and Las Vegas billionaire Steve Wynn has split with his wife Elaine. [Page Six]
• Private Practice/Grey's Anatomy crossover alert! Kate Walsh, Audra McDonald and Taye Diggs will be on the February 12 episode of Grey's. [UPI]
• Kylie Minogue has recorded a song with kiddie band The Wiggles, because she has a 2-year-old nephew she wants to impress. "Now Charles really will think I’m cool," she says. "I hope he likes the song. It was fun to do. I might even grab a shirt and go on tour with the boys. I’m not sure what colour I will be." [The Sun]
• Debbie Matenopoulos's ex-husband claims she "pays for nothing" related to their multimillion-dollar Los Angeles home. He's demanding that she help pay the mortgage, agree to refinance, or move out and sell the home. He also admits that they both "continuously lived beyond our means during our marriage." Messy business! [People]
• Paul McCartney's publicist on the Paul McCartney wedding rumor: "No truth to it." [Yahoo News via E!]
• 50 Cent's manager is among the many who lost money via Bernie Madoff. How much? "Nothing to talk about. It's not life-threatening." [Page Six]
• Lauren Hutton was seen yelling at her help. [Page Six]
• Gene Simmons has signed on with Universal Music Canada and created his own record label, Simmons records. He writes: If you’re reading this and you’re in a Canadian band (only!!!)….and you believe you’re the next Elvis or Beatles (don’t we all…)…go to SIMMONSRECORDS.COM and we will tell you how YOU can submit your electronic demo. This is serious.” Well okay then. [Rolling Stone]
• Noel Gallagher says Oasis saved him from a life of crime: "There’s one less criminal in Burnage because I picked up the guitar. There’s one less shoplifter in Manchester." [The Sun]
• Michael Crichton left money to tons of people in his will. [TMZ]
• Isla Fisher has joined the cast of Rango, a Gore Verbinski-directed animated flick about a pet who goes on an adventure; Johnny Depp is the lead voice and Abigal Breslin has also been cast. [Variety]
• Chic people like Liz Goldwyn, Emmanuelle Seigner and Lou Doillon were at the Givenchy show in Paris, and you were not. [WWD]
• What do we think about Solange covering a Coldplay song? [Concrete Loop]
• This was bound to happen: Kanye West has changed his name. You may now call him Martin ‘Louis’ The King Jr., because he has his own Louis Vuitton shoes now. [Pop Crunch]
• "Love and light is mentioned a lot on the album. Parts of it are dark and edgy. It could be because I’ve been through a dark place. I am a man who needs love. Every man needs love, guys like romance. I do anyway." — Paul McCartney on his latest album, and maybe that "dark place" is the soul of Heather Mills. [The Sun]
• "That sweat is real and there is a lot of it. I said, 'Listen, we're going to show me exactly as I am and I'm going to sweat. Just towel me up.' Luckily, I had good waterproof makeup on and my hair stayed looking kind of cute. But that's the real deal. I'm sweating like a pig." — Lisa Rinna on her workout DVD. [Parade]
• "For five seasons I was stuck doing this character. It was kind of hard always having to play that character when it's not who I am… I just say jokes but people think I'm serious which I think is funny and I think I kind of play up to the image sometimes because - whatever - it's entertainment." — Paris Hilton. [Mirror]
• "My typical morning these days would be to get up at 6:30am, make breakfast, get Beatrice up, get her dressed and watch some TV. I don't have a nanny I do all the regular stuff myself. I take her to school, talk to all the mums, talk to the teacher then pick her up from school. I love every second of it and I'm not exhausted at all. People say, I'm up at 6:30am, what is going on? But I genuinely love it. It's a thrill bringing up a young kid, it's such an education. I am a different dad now but it's good." — Paul McCartney, 66, on life with a five-year-old. [Telegraph]
• I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News. All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard. Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend? I seriously doubt it. How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure? Now can we focus on the things that really matter." — Ashlee Simpson. [ONTD via MySpace]

• The country's most famous teen mom, Bristol Palin, will have a boy around December 20th with fiance Levi Johnston. The as-yet-unnamed kiddie already killed a moose with his bare hands in utero. [Page Six]

• Though he persistently claims that he's not a Scientologist, Will Smith gave $122,500 to various Scientologist organizations. It's worth noting that a tax deductible $122,500 for Smith is like twenty buckies to us normal folks. That lady who does Bart Simpson's voice gave the Scientologists $10 million one time! [Perez]
• Last week Paula Abdul was going on and on to Barbara Walters about how Simon Cowell and the producers of American Idol deliberately made her face her stalker, Paula Godspeed, the woman who eventually killed herself outside Abdul's house. Cowell says otherwise: "All [Paula Abdul had] to say is ‘Stop filming, I need to speak with the producers.’ That didn’t happen [during Godspeed's audition]. But I only remember from what I saw [in news clips],” Simon says. [People]
• Jeremy Piven is leaving the David Mamet show Speed the Plow months before the end of its scheduled run. His flack claims that it's because Piven's discovered he has a high level of mercury, to which Mamet responded, "My understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.” [NYT]
• The shooting death of Mark Ruffalo's brother Scott has officially been ruled a homicide by Los Angeles police. [TMZ]
• Earlier this week, Madonna's flack Liz Rosenberg issued a report that Guy Ritchie had received in the neighborhood of $80 million dollars in the couple's divorce. Almost immediately afterwards, Madonna and Guy said that that Liz was a big liar and that her statement was "misleading" and "inaccurate." Today, Liz is covering her ass with a new announcement from the couple: "A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week. The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children." [Jossip]
• Richard Dreyfuss is suing his father and uncle for nearly $4 million in unpaid loans. It's going to be a FUN Christmas at the Dreyfuss house! [The Star UK]
• More family feuding: Whitney Houston's step-mother is suing her for money she claims Whitney improperly kept after Houston's father, John, died in 2003. [AP via Yahoo News]
• Like mother-in-law Blythe Danner earlier this week, Chris Martin is disavowing divorce rumors. "I'm trying to think of when the last bit of bad news was. Well there hasn't been anything for a while. I'm supposed to be getting divorced but those things aren't happening so don't really count as bad news," the Coldplay star says. [Contact Music]
• A foreclosure company has stepped in to help pay Ed McMahon's mortgage, so the aging star won't get booted from his posh Orange County digs. [TMZ]
• Aw, Dustin Hoffman is a proud papa: "[MY kids] get mad at me for telling everyone about their accomplishments or for finding cute girls for my sons. But even though they love to hate me for it or cruelly imitate me, I can't stop bragging. They are my true credits." [Page Six]
• Stars are sharing their worst xmas presents ever with Cindy Adams. ""My most awful present as a teenager was a calculator," Michelle Williams said. "Every year I seemed to get the same stupid thing from a relative. I never used one of them." [Cindy Adams]
• Will Ferrell is going to play George W. on Broadway as a not-so-fond farewell to our 43rd President. The review will be called "You're Welcome, America: A Final Night With George W. Bush," and hits the B'way on January 20th. [NYDN]
• Eminem may keep a low profile these days, but don't worry, he's still the same old asshole. He tells Esquire, "I'm a T-shirt guy now. But wifebeaters won't go out of style, not as long as bitches keep mouthing off." [Esquire]
• Here's what Nick Cannon ex Christina Milian had to say about Cannon's marriage to Mariah Carey: “I was surprised like everyone else. I was like, ‘Really?’ It just seemed like a weird match, but I was happy for him. I always feel Nick works hard to get what he wants, whether that be women—that’s how he got me.” And then Mariah came in and shanked her with a giant enamel butterfly. [Just Jared]
• Emma Watson is worth $20 million and she still takes the subway. "I have a more normal life than people expect. When I take public transport, people are like, 'That girl looks like the girl from Harry Potter, but it can't be her on the tube.'"So then she takes out her Quidditch broomstick and shows them a thing or two. [USA Today]
• In a last ditch effort for popcultural relevancy, it looks like the new 90210 is mining an old feud for ratings: Brenda vs. Kelly. "Now that it's out that Brenda's been boinking Kelly's boyfriend Ryan (that whore!), the tension is most assuredly building up to a bona fide Kelly-Brenda smackdown." Dramz! [E! Online]
• Laura Bryan used to be married to Hootie and the Blowfish guitarist Mark Bryan. They divorced, and she just got remarried…to Hootie and the Blowfish drummer Jim Sonefeld. There's a blowfish joke to be made here but I'm not up for it this early in the morning. [WaPo]
• Tennis star Lindsay Davenport is expecting her second child. "Of course, this unexpected but exciting surprise now means I will be putting tennis on hold for the foreseeable future," Davenport says. [UPI]
• Eddie Murphy will play the Riddler in the next Batman movie alongside Christian Bale's broody hero. [Telegraph]
• 16-year-old Frances Bean Cobain is checking out a $6.5 million New York City pad. It must be said: if Courtney Love were your mother, wouldn't you want to live across the continent? [NYP]
• Though the fourth installment of the Terminator movies has not even hit screens yet, producers are already gearing up for a Terminator 5. Action hack Christian Bale is already locked in for the distant fifth Terminator movie. Let us reiterate: please drop that damn breathy hero voice Christian! We can't take you seriously when you talk like a low rent Darth Vader! [UPI]