For starters, those earrings on the cover are $19,600. They're not just earrings, see, they're 7.67 natural amoeba diamond slice earrings in 18K gold with colored diamonds. Plus, they possess the power to hypnotize!

This, friends, is a candle. A pretty candle, and yet: something you set fire to. $395. Are you feeling witty yet?

Rose gold chain with diamonds, $4900. Skinny jeans, $194. Hairdo that involves refereeing a cock fight: Priceless.

This Lacoste polo featuring a crocodile clusterfuck is a limited edition collaboration with Brazilian designers Humberto and Fernando Campanas and "reflects their commitment to creative chaos and triumphantly simple solutions." Witty! And $165.

"You can pretend to be serious; you cannot pretend to be witty." — Sascha Guitry

Honestly, I like the idea of peppering the catalog with witticisms, like this one, even though I had never heard of Sacha Guitry. I looked him up! He was a French actor, dramatist and director who wrote his first play at age 17. He wrote and directed and acted in Pasteur, a biography of the famous scientist; and there's something in his IMDb biography about how he lived a lavish lifestyle while the Germans occupied France in the '40s… He was jailed for a few months after the liberation of Paris. He was married five times, all to actresses who co-starred in either his plays or films. And! His name was apparently spelled Sacha, not Sascha.

But none of this is the point! The point is: That hair bauble, which would most certainly instantly fall out of my hair and through a sewer grate, is $1,990.

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." — Carl Jung

"Show me someone willing to pay $2,900 for these earrings and I will show you someone rich and dumb." — Yours truly.

There's a Dorothy Parker quote on the lingerie page, where $125 gets you a strip of silk for romantic, light BDSM evenings.

Dammit, if I had $365 and poor eyesight, I would love a pair of Albert Maysles glasses. He directed Grey Gardens! He's avuncular! He rocks! And the Maysles Institute in Harlem is a nonprofit organization that provides training and apprenticeships to underprivileged individuals. And you can see movies there, too!

A "choosing between two evils" quote on page where both items are made of rabbit fur? Witty?

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" —Abraham Lincoln.

New idea: LOLFoundingFathers.

Oh, hey, if this loose, body-disguising psuedo-homeless style looks familiar, it's because these garments are from The Row, aka Mary-Kate and Ashley's clothing line. $490 for the cardigan, $225 for the tank and $1,700 for the pants. That's $2,145 to look like you just rolled out of bed and threw on some laundry from your floordrobe.

Since alligators have been seen in the Mississippi River, a Mark Twain quote on this page is actually an inspired choice.

Barneys New York [Official Site]

Earlier: Ashro: Stop Being Such A Slob And Get Yourself A Suit, Hat & Wig
19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky Mall
Dean & Deluca Thanksgiving: Mouth-Watering, Wallet-Emptying
All previous catalog posts

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have designed a fine jewelry collection for Asprey, which goes on sale this week. The line, themed around snakes and called "The Protector," starts at $525; all proceeds go to support Jolie's children's charity. [WWD]

• After decades of marketing skin-lightening creams, like Unilever's Fair & Lovely, to Indian women, cosmetics companies are beginning to target Indian men. Brands like Fair & Handsome, Fair & Lovely Menz Active, and Nivea for Men Whitening, are selling well. Says a male model who does commercial work, "Anyone who's fair gets on Indian television." The cultural preference for lighter skin can be traced back to the Hindu cast system. [NPR]
• Lindsay Lohan claims she's doing a jewelry line with Pascal Mouawad, and working on a clothing collection for Bebe. Mouawad says the line isn't finalized. [AccessHollywood]
• Four words: Paris Hilton Bridal Footwear. [Style Section LA]
• Speaking of shoes, don't go overpaying for Jimmy Choo's H&M collection on eBay. A spokeswoman for the chain says new stock will be available today. [Daily Mail]
• H&M's sales fell 3% in the month of October. The fast-fashion retailer has now had six straight months of declining sales. [WWD]
• Victoria Beckham, who already spent £250,000 on a lot of Audrey Hepburn's letters, is expected to bid for some of the actress's dresses in London early next month. [Independent]
• Beckham is rumored to have enlisted Blake Lively to model her spring dress collection. [SB]
• Iceland may no longer have a financial services industry to speak of, but the fashion industry has apparently been picking up there since the crisis of last fall. Emerging designers are more than happy to snaffle up spaces with cheap rents, and as one put it, "No one is traveling abroad, so you have to shop locally. We have actually doubled our sales." [Time]
• Iman, on how her life changed with retirement: "Where everything was about what you do and about how you look, it changed to more security about me. It was not about 'how will I look ten years from now?' It all became about what kind of person would I be ten years from now." [CNN]
• Hotelier André Balazs gets top billing alongside Angela Lindvall in the new Brioni campaign. Balazs donated the money he earned to charity. [P6]
  
• This week, 800 pairs of the late Adam Goldstein's sneakers are being auctioned off on eBay. All of the proceeds will go to the DJ AM Memorial Fund, which gives money to groups fighting addiction. [eBay]
• On Wednesday, eBay is launching its own online magazine, The Inside Source. [The Moment]
• Barneys is getting a blog. The department store has announced a 7% rise in same-store sales for the month of October, following September's 9% decline. No word on whether or not the company plans to hire a CEO anytime soon, but it is launching a blog for its fashion directors this week. [WWD]
• Not to be outdone, Forever 21 and Karl Lagerfeld are also founding their own magazines. [Blackbook]
• Perhaps Lagerfeld can use this new platform to declaim elasticized waistbands. "I never wear jogging pants. Those things are dangerous," says the designer. "Because they have an elastic band. It stretches and then you don't know when you put on weight. Also, I hate it when you let yourself go! I'm always looking the way you see me now." Also, even though he is now 76, don't say that "R" word around him: "Retirement is not one of the topics with which I deal. Why should I? I still have so many projects that I sometimes don't know where to begin. Chanel will still need some clothes when I'm 89. The world can count on me for a long time." [TV3]
• "Financially successful fashion companies have duped our industry into sacrificing a model's traditional earnings from both fashion shows and fashion advertisements in the name of positive exposure," says Chris Gay, president of Marilyn Model Agency. "If campaigns and shows are now considered just another form of positive exposure, then where's the recompense for a model's time and effort?" Good questions. [TDB]
• Lee Daniels, director of Precious, is modeling in the November J. Crew catalog. [StyleList]
• A dress designed with more than 24,000 ultra-flat LEDs is going on display at the Museum of Science of Industry in Chicago. [Wired]
• In other technofabrics news, a Swiss company has developed a fabric treatment that can make wearers of processed garments up to 9 degrees Fahrenheit cooler, reducing the black-suit-hot-day problem. [NYTimes]
• The New York Foundation for the Arts is under fire for allegedly withholding $175,000 raised for designer Tara Subkoff's struggle with a brain tumor. Subkoff, who was uninsured when the non-cancerous tumor was discovered, according to a source, apparently took a few acting jobs in order to qualify for Screen Actors Guild insurance to cover surgery. The NYFA, meanwhile, was sponsoring a fund-raising event for Subkoff's supporters, intended to raise money for the designer's medical and living expenses during her recovery. But now, $175,000 in hand, the NYFA allegedly won't give the money to Subkoff for anything but medical costs, leaving Subkoff to live in a borrowed apartment and necessitating her to skip required post-operative therapies. [P6]
• Rue21 and Dollar General each debuted as public companies on Friday, Rue21 on the NASDAQ and Dollar General on the NYSE. Rue21 closed at $19, above the hoped-for range, while Dollar General rose by just over a dollar during the day's trading. [WWD]
• Australian big-box retailer Big W has a clothing line inspired by Gossip Girl. It's designed by Kai Aiyub, who does makeovers and styling for a morning television show Down Under, and it includes dresses, shoes, tops, jewelry, bags, and an aquamarine "playsuit." [Big W]
• Saks' longest-serving employee, Nena Ivon, is retiring after 53 years at the Chicago flagship. Ivon began her career as a sales assistant while still in high school; she rose to fashion director and manager of special events. "Retail is retail," says Ivons, who plans to write a book. "It hasn't changed. We still sell clothes, but how we do it is different." [WWD]

• Here are leaked pictures of Lindsay Lohan's spring campaign for 6126. The images were shot by reality-TV-star photographers Markus Klinko and Indrani. [Gone Hollywood]

• That was quick: Steve Madden has finalized a deal with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to manufacture shoes and accessories for the pair's new Olsenboye JC Penney's brand. [Crains]
• Francesca Versace, the niece of Donatella and daughter of Santo, was rejected the first time she applied to Central St. Martins. "I went to the London College of Fashion and did business and pattern cutting, which I hated, but reapplied for Saint Martins and finally got in. The first year, I was crying all the time. All the teachers gave me such a hard time." The designer says that, eventually, she started to fit in. "I did three years and I loved it. I had so much fun by the end." Now she lives in London and is best friends with Silvio Berlusconi's daughter. [Times UK]
• The December cover of Harper's Bazaar is rumored to feature Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. [WWD]
• Sometimes the Daily Mail online headline writers are evil geniuses. "Can Chanel Really Gild This Lily Or Are They Allen A Laugh?" would be one of those times. [Daily Mail]
• Project Runway alum Jeffrey Sebelia is taking his poor-man's-Santino aesthetic to his latest position, as creative director of the casual wear label Fluxus. [WWD]
• The M.A.C.-sponsored fashion shows at Milk Studios will continue at least for the next two years, says Estee Lauder Group president John Demsey. [The Cut]
• Scott Schuman's project for Burberry involved him shooting 100 trench coats, reveals Garance Doré. Included in the post is one of the pictures, of Doré wearing a short navy trench with a Yankees cap. [Garance Doré]
• The Gucci family biopic that Ridley Scott is making has Gucci family members upset. The story he's dramatizing — the intrafamily struggle for control that cost the life of eventual winner Maurizio Gucci, who was killed on his wife's orders just after hiring young designer Tom Ford — does not, they feel, redound to their benefit. "Enough mud," says Patrizia Gucci, Maurizio's cousin. "We have been through horrible things and paid plenty in person. I will write a book about the Guccis to say who they really are. And I will give Scott a copy, in hopes that his movie will never be released." Angelina Jolie is purportedly in talks to play Maurizio's wife. [Variety]
• And with the opening of Mongolia's first Louis Vuitton store, late last month, comes the inevitable trend story about how Ulaan Bator is, like, so hot right now (move over, Paris!). Actually, the warmest praise the capital garners from Louis Vuitton C.E.O. Yves Carcelle is that it is equivalent to "a good-sized provincial town in China." [News.com.au]
• Prada had just nailed down an agreement with its garment workers' union to furlough 250 out of 3,000 workers at its factory for four to six weeks when it announced that the rotating suspensions will only last three weeks. Spring orders outstripped the company's expectations by 10%. [Reuters]
• Gabriel Aubry, the male model who fathered Halle Berry's child, will be the spring face of Louis Vuitton men's wear. [Sassybella]
• Marc Jacobs might do a reality show. "I have very specific ideas about a show and how I'd want it to go, and I'd want it to be really different than the other ones," says the designer. But, "I don't think it's going to happen. I don't think so, unless we came up with the right thing, the right way." He hasn't been in touch with Bravo, who a few weeks back said it was "desperate" to have Jacobs in a show. We'd recommend re-watching Loïc Prigent's Louis Vuitton doc if you're feeling anxious. [The Cut]
• Alexander "I make $390 Italian yarn bike shorts" Wang, on his successful Barneys trunk show last week: "When I got to Barneys, I was welcomed with the news that our Rocco bag had a waiting list of 400-plus. By day's end, their entire Spring 2010 handbag order sold out with pre-buys — and that's before it will even hit the floor. Yikes! Good news, but now we're going to have to figure out how to produce more bags so our section won't be empty come January." A 400-plus person waiting list? Are the bags made of gold? Is it magically charmed so that whatever you wish for, you reach in and, pouf, there it is? Does it buy you drinks after a long day? Because we're struggling to understand what it is that's attractive about a black leather bag with studs on the bottom that costs nearly a grand. [Style.com]

• Rumors are flying that Lindsay Lohan is donating her time (except for any free clothes she snags) as Emanuel Ungaro's new "artistic director." This gossip item, however, doesn't spell "Emanuel Ungaro" correctly, so its veracity may be questionable. [Fox 411]

• Ungaro C.E.O. Mounir Moufarrige says Lohan's pay is "quite enough. It's expensive." Before hiring her, he told the press he asked her how much time she intended to spend in jail this year; her unpredictability, he says, "has been factored in" to her compensation. [ToL]
• The New York Times' Horacio Silva says he just had a talk with Renzo Rosso, who is "thisclose to naming a new designer at Martin Margiela." Margiela's departure from his namesake house was only confirmed recently, after months of speculation. In a follow-up tweet, Silva says Rosso maintains Margiela will still be involved in the house. Haider Ackermann and Raf Simons have been mentioned as possible contenders for Margiela's old job. [Twitter]
• What if a luxury label opened a store, and nobody bothered to turn up? [Shophound]
• Diane Von Furstenberg tweets from Madrid: "I just got robbed in the street in front of the Thyssen museum... My wallet, cash and all my credit cards!!" [Twitter]
• Two Bravo executives described the network as "desperate" to get a reality TV deal with Marc Jacobs. Their pitch? A no-strings-attached everyday doc. "Just live his life, his amazing life, and let us shoot it," said Andy Cohen. "I mean, just go. Just go! Open your eyes, let us put the tape in the camera, and let us go." [The Cut]
• Mo Rocca on the future of fashion? Hell. Yes. [CBS]
• Number of times Time mentions Crystal Renn was a "size-0 model": 3. Number of times Time mentions she had anorexia: 0. [Time]
• Karl Lagerfeld: "My father…was not stingy but he hated unnecessary expense but clothes he saw as the exception — he was of a different generation — if you were well dressed, half of the job was done. So I was told, be well dressed and doors will open." [i-D via Fashionista]
• Can you imagine David Spade, Anthony Kiedis, Fred Durst, and Ron Burkle hanging out at a Zac Posen show? Us neither. L.A. is so weird. [Style.com]
• Oscar de la Renta was presented with an award by Grace Coddington and Hamish Bowles. [Yahoo]
• At the same event, Barneys creative director/author Simon Doonan said, "For years, all my writer friends would say to me, what the fuck are you doing working in a store every day? And now they're saying to me, how can I get a job in a store?" This is because "There's nothing at the moment that is worse-compensated than freelance writing. NOTHING. You can get more money panhandling on the street. It's shocking." We'd agree but we're now too depressed to move. Simon Doonan works for a C.E.O.-less department store with stock about eighteen zillion levels below investment grade, a department store so consistently subject to rumors of bankruptcy that its parent company periodically has to step in to remind everyone that it guarantees the (giant, growing, pile of) debt. And even he has it better than we do. [Daily Intel]
• Meanwhile, Doonan says he finds the recession "a colossal bore." [WWD]
• Martin Lingstrom, a brand strategist, spent three years hooking up over 2,000 people to sensors that monitored their physical and neurological responses to advertising and shopping. He says that, while deciding to buy something, our brains release dopamine. However, then there's the guilt: "It's not very strong at the beginning but increases when you swipe your credit card through the credit-card reader." That feeling is physiological. Instead of reaching the obvious conclusion from his data — shopping is against nature, a pattern of unhealthy addiction and guilt-ridden behaviors, and everyone in fashion is totally fucked — Martin Lingstrom apparently still works as a brand strategist. [WSJ]
• The Wall Street Journal tried out Christian Louboutin and Piper Heidsieck's Le Rituel, the $5,000 glass slipper intended to serve as a champagne flute. The verdict? "It takes some finesse, balance, and you can't fill it very high with bubbly...It has its charm, but drinkers of champagne mat opt to keep their flutes handy." Imagine that. [WSJ]
• Alexander Wang says he staged his first fashion show when he was 15, at his brother's wedding. "It was like 35 looks or something. We hired hair and make-up and everything." [Independent]
• Heidi Klum is launching a fashion line. The footwear collection, all 48 styles, will be available starting next fall; to follow will be swimsuits and casual wear. [WWD]
• Claudia Schiffer, on the supermodels comeback: "One of the logical reasons would be that we sort of went away at the same time and most of us had kids at the same time and then we sort of came back. We've also worked for such a long time, we are reliable and professional and you know what you'll get." [Independent]
• Schiffer, who was once unceremoniously dropped by Karl Lagerfeld, during the grunge days, has been spotted with the designer around Buenos Aires. They, along with Baptiste Giabiconi and Freja Beha Erichsen, are shooting the next Chanel campaign. Local media reports that they ate "rich barbecue" for lunch one day. [Fashionologie]
• Vivienne Westwood made a series of gowns for Leona Lewis. In exchange, the pop star will wear the dramatic metallic corseted creations in all the promotional materials for her new album and single. [Telegraph]
• Odds Costume Rental, which supplied costumes for 22 years to productions like Law & Order and Road to Perdition, has filed for bankruptcy. Rising rent is one culprit — the business was hit with a $5,000/month increase last year — and the willingness of designers to give their clothes away to film and television shows is another. [Crains]
• Salvatore Ferragamo is entering the online retail market. [WWD]

• Katy Perry, like Lady Gaga before her, has succumbed to the charms of Jean-Charles de Castelbajac's fall collection. The singer wore this dress to the label's spring show — which is like wearing the band t-shirt to the concert. [People]

• Twelve Syrian fashion designers presented 60 looks in a catwalk show at a Damascus hotel. Framed portraits of Bashar and Hafez Assad looked down on the runway. [Breitbart]
• During a burlesque performance at Simon Cowell's birthday party, a man stripped down to a thong, wandered into the audience, and picked up Kate Moss and gave her a twirl. All while singing, "Don't Stop Believing." Shame her boyfriend, Jamie Hince, didn't think it was funny: he started yelling at the supermodel. [P6]
• Giambattista Valli, who used to design the house of Ungaro's ready-to-wear line before founding his own critically acclaimed label, speaks out on the Lindsay Lohan "artistic director" debacle: "An actress ought to be an actress, and a fashion designer ought to be a fashion designer. These are their own professions, so everybody ought to concentrate on one thing. I chose, in my life, to be a fashion designer." [FWD]
• Barneys New York's winter windows will present mannequins in tableaux based on famous moments from Saturday Night Live. Yes, there will be a Tina-Fey-As-Sarah-Palin. And an Amy Poehler on 'Weekend Update'. [WWD]
• Times' Critical Shopper Cintra Wilson, on Isaac Mizrahi's boutique: "Mr. Mizrahi's new boutique is cheerful and comfy: poured concrete floors, off-white armchairs draped with fur blankets. The designer appears to be playing his greatest hits for his most loyal audience: Upper East Side ladies of a certain age, for whom the designer seems to feel great tenderness and sympathy. Women who are vivacious without being loud, who defer to convention but still want to appear playful and smart." [NYTimes]
• Sylvia Venturini Fendi — the woman behind two of the biggest blockbuster bags of our time: the Baguette and the Spy — tells Women's Wear Daily that if the rumor that the Italian shows might decamp from Milan to Rome, which WWD was first to even mention, is true, she wouldn't be bothered in the least. "I think Rome is the perfect place for creative happenings. Gucci is there, Valentino. We are Roman — why not?" [WWD]
• In further "reporting" on its own rumor, the trade pub discovered that, actually, the head of the Italian Chamber of Fashion says relocation is "nonsense." [WWD]
• Speaking of handbags, don't expect to get your Hermès Birkin or Kelly any faster simply because of this recession: the company, long having incorporated artificial scarcity into its sales plan, says there is no reduction in the typical two-year waiting time for a purse. "It is shocking to have to wait two to three years, so we try to train as many craftsmen as we can," says Patrick Thomas, the chief executive. But: "Consumer demand has grown so fast that we haven't yet managed to reduce the waiting lists." Sure, sure. [FT]
• Four Chinese firms are seeking the bankruptcy of Ellen Tracy in a Manhattan bankruptcy court; they claim they are owed $3.8 million for goods sold. Macy's, which just yesterday announced an agreement to sell Ellen Tracy exclusively at a lower price point, says the petition doesn't affect the deal, as the firms' dispute is with the brand's former owners. The bankruptcy judge ordered Ellen Tracy to file lists of creditors and assets by October 21. [Crain's]
• Due to a slump in demand, Versace has shut its four stores in Japan, and is in the process of closing its Tokyo office. The Italian brand had operated in Japan for nearly 30 years. [FT]

• Mickey Rourke, at Max Azria: "I really don't like Max that much. He's a short little guy with a good looking wife. Maybe I'll steal his wife." [WSJ]
• Tom Ford to close-talking columnist: "Are you trying to smell me?" [NationalPost]

• If you care about who People thinks is the best-dressed, their annual list is out. Kate Winslet, Reese Witherspoon, Vanessa Hudgens, and Freida Pinto all made the cut; on the men's side, so did Brad Pitt, Robert Pattinson, and Bradley Cooper. [People]
• Audrey Tautou, currently playing Coco Chanel across multiple platforms, has a print ad for Chanel No. 5 out. [People]
• Lanvin designer Alber Elbaz is to address the UNESCO World Forum on Culture and Cultural Industries in Italy next week. [WWD]
• Lauren Conrad presents her fall collection for Kohl's in this video. It's very cute how she pretends to have seen it before. [People]
• Avril Lavigne presented her collection for Kohl's in New York City on Monday night. It includes a hoodie with earbuds in the drawstring. We must have missed this one for the Snuggie show. [People]
• Ralph Lifshitz and Calvin Klein grew up in the same part of the same neighborhood of the Bronx, Norwood's Mosholu Parkway, and both attended Public School 80, four years apart. Former Bronx borough president Fernando Ferrer says, "These are working-class guys — they were neither poor nor wealthy, and it's interesting that their clothes are aspirational. Ralph Lauren designs preppy, polo type clothes. That wasn't his experience then. So does Calvin Klein — elegance, simplicity." [Cityroom]
• Anya Hindmarch believes in "speaking up for bespoke" objects in a time of mass-production. Naturally, she also believes in charging £500 for a wallet. [ToL]
• Meanwhile, for the rest of us, Zara has plans to start selling its clothes online. [FT]
• Georgia May Jagger: "I really don't get it, to be perfectly honest. I still don't have that firm a grasp on why me being my parents' daughter is so interesting." Being your parents' daughter is the only reason you have a career, dear! [Style.com]
• It's certainly the only reason Vanity Fair is talking to her. "Modeling is always something I've really admired because I've seen my mum and sister do it," says Jagger. [VF]
• David Lauren: "We created the first 24-hour shopping experience on the windows of our mansion on 72nd St. You can literally walk up to the glass, press on the glass, and shop the product that's in the store. You can touch your credit card to the glass and buy it." [The Cut]
• Will lazy writers ever abandon the canard that Lara Stone — a model with stated measurements of 33"-24"-35", entirely within the tiny range of straight-size modeling — is somehow "curvy" or represents "change" on the catwalk? Stone — who is incredibly good at what she does, and well established in the business because of it — has not been "opening everyone's shows." In fact she has yet to be spotted anywhere in the lineup at a single show this season. [Telegraph]
• Halston, that long-rudderless brand, had a spring presentation that was a bit of a train wreck. The clothes looked very similar to each other, and the mannequins were weird. [WSJ]
• Barneys New York has now operated for 14 months without a C.E.O. Wracked by debt, the retailer is the subject of rumors alleging its inability to even pay its invoices. The head of Istithmar, the investment fund that owns Barneys, says "We have stood by Barneys and will continue to stand by this company." Words you never want to have to hear from a C.E.O. [WWD]
• Nina Garcia's third book about personal style is naturally all about the recessionista, not the fashionista. [Reuters]
• According to an online survey of 61,000 teens, teenagers are spending less money, because their parents are giving them less money, because their parents have less money. Thanks for getting to the bottom of this important recession conundrum, social networking site Habbo Hotel. [Reuters]

• Colin Firth won Best Actor at the Venice Film Festival for his role in former Gucci designer Tom Ford's directorial debut, A Single Man. [Vogue UK]
• Did Louis Vuitton make a $590 knock off of this New Balance sneaker? [WWD]

• If anyone had told me Courtney Love was going to perform at the Alexander Wang after party — held at a gas station in Chelsea — I would have totally stayed up, if only because last year I found a copy of Celebrity Skin in someone's back seat and started listening to it (and really enjoying feeling 15) again, instead of hauling my tired carcass to bed at 9:30. [DazedDigital]
• Audrey Tautou wore Lanvin to the Los Angeles premiere of Coco Before Chanel. [People]
• French actress Emanuelle Béart is rumored to be presenting her own clothing line at Paris fashion week next month. [WWD]
• Robert Verdi — sometime stylist to celebrities like Eva Longoria — can't get an invitation to Jason Wu or Marc Jacobs by hook or by crook. He suspects it's because fashion is "ignoring the gay people." [The Cut]
• Marc Jacobs publicist Timothy Mark Garcia is wearing an electronic monitoring device because of his house arrest. Garcia's father, a former Major General of the Philippines, is accused of paying for his son's Trump Plaza apartment with funds he stole from the Filipino people; the entire family is facing extradition. Garcia fils, who has a curfew of 9 p.m. — 1 a.m. during fashion week, with a 30-minute grace period for lateness — has been reduced to wearing his Cartier Tank watch and $1,000 Hermès bracelets in the privacy of his own home, and ordering take-out from the restaurant at Barneys. He says the ankle bracelet is uncomfortable, and "I can't even wear my knee high croc boots by Sergio Rossi for the fall." [TDB]
• Victoria Beckham says she's happy to have earned real fashion credibility. Victoria Beckham has earned real fashion credibility? [Telegraph]
• The pop-star-turned-designer missed her youngest son's first day of school to present her dress collection in New York. "I told them, 'Mommy's going to New York to do a test, you know, you have math tests. Well, Mommy has a fashion test.'" [WWD]
• For the first time in 12 seasons, Tim Gunn was not invited to Diane Von Furstenberg. Which gives us one more thing in common. [NYPost]
• Gunn, on Lindsay Lohan's appointment as Emanuel Ungaro's "artistic adviser": "It's got to be a publicity stunt. Or a crack-smoking board of directors!" [The Cut]
• Lohan kept an entire photo crew waiting for 10 hours at what was supposed to be a shoot for her own leggings line. [WWD]
• Diane Von Furstenberg says Fashion's Night Out was such a success she would love to see it become an annual event. [The Cut]
• Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow guy who allegedly beat a woman in Florida, has been seen around fashion week. Naturally, he's designing a swimwear line. [NYDN]
• Fashion periodically tends to reference homeless "style," and it stands to reason that the industry might do so particularly now, in the midst of a recession. A W editorial, a Sartorialist snap, and some year-old comments by Erin "Homeless People Have The Best Style" Wasson, does not a trend make, New York Times. (Wasson, for her part, feels that those comments were misunderstood. But perhaps the model should avoid making references to "people that you couldn't label and put in a box," when she is in fact talking about people who live in boxes.) [NYTimes]
• "Russian women are treated in a very Arabic way in our country," says supermodel Natalia Vodianova. "You are expected to give birth to children, look pretty and shut up. But we are very strong and intelligent people: there are a few of us out there. My whole life is breaking the stereotype of typical Russian women looking for money." [Telegraph]
• 1970s supermodel Robyn Peterson, once a favorite of Helmut Newton and now a successful actress, says "Fashion is a savage business — an industry that eats people up. Modelling is like being an athlete. It's a young person's game, but similarly no life for a young girl." She's probably just bitter. [Telegraph]
• Lesley Hornby — better known by her industry alias, Twiggy — turned 60 over the weekend. [Daily Mail]
• In other model news, if you want to know what Sessilee Lopez eats for breakfast, now's your chance. (Bodega croissant egg-and-bacon sandwich with coffee.) [Grub Street]
• Once in Milan, Miranda Kerr was walking on the catwalk when her shoe flew off into the audience. Nobody was hurt. [JustJared]
• America's Next Top Model's Danielle Evans made an appearance at the Leifsdottir presentation at New York fashion week. [Racked]
• Actual top models Anja Rubik, Lara Stone, and Raquel Zimmerman have all been absent from fashion week, so far. Although Raquel isn't in her agency's show package for the season, she is in New York, having attended Fashion's Night Out. Lara and Anja, who are in their respective agencies' show packages, aren't in town, having done Fashion's Night Out duty in London. So will we see them at all? It's been an unusually supermodel-light season, so far: even catwalk regular Natasha Poly has only walked Altuzarra and Alexander Wang, so far. [Fashionologie]
• Maybe the absence of so many top girls is due to an economic environment that means many designers cannot afford their rates? Agencies and models say that competition is high, pay is low — with payment in trade being more common than usual — and even Alice Gibb, normally a favorite of Rodarte and Marc Jacobs, says she's been un-booked from shows at the last minute. [Reuters]
• For all the models working for free, of course, there are any number of professionals who eschew such generosity. Forbes has a breakdown of who puts what into a fashion show, and who gets what out of it, from the producers to the stylists to the venue operators. [Forbes]
• The fashion industry in New York City generates about $1.5 billion in tax income, but the garment district is facing a re-zoning plan that could force the displacement of sample houses and manufacturers. [Reuters]
• The normally disapproving Daily Mail takes some time out of its busy day to celebrate girls in lingerie. Agent Provocateur's cheesy new superhero-themed ad campaign is the occasion. [Daily Mail]
• Mario Grauso is indeed leaving Puig. [WWD]
• Keith Pollock, the executive online editor for Brant Publications, says: "There are very respected fashion journalists that can evaluate the state of the market. However I don't see how a fashion editor's perspective on a Prada shoe is more valid than that of a teen blogger in Evanston, Illinois." This worries me very much. [NYTimes]
• Howard Socol, who resigned as Barneys New York C.E.O. in May of 2008, attended the 3.1 Philip Lim men's presentation at New York fashion week because Socol has been mentoring Lim. Socol took the time to count his blessings as one who is no longer running a high-end department store during a global recession; Barneys has yet to replace him. [WSJ]
• JC Penney has launched a new women's clothing brand, She Said, that will cater to the needs of working women. [Breitbart]
• The Colombian company that supplies the Body Shop with 90% of its palm oil successfully sued to have peasant farmers removed from a ranch north of Bogotá. Now 123 of the farmers are appealing the decision, and the ethics of the Body Shop's decision to buy palm oil from the company are being called into question. [Guardian]
• One of the more ridiculous reactions to the release of the Lockerbie bomber: Iconic Scottish company Harris Tweeds is "de-Scottish-ifying" its image in the U.S. in anticipation of a backlash against soft-on-terrorism Scots. [NPR]

Photo illustration images from Amazon and Louis Vuitton

• Barneys' Simon Doonan: "Criticizing Ed Hardy for being cheesy is like saying that Elvis was 'flashy' or that Liberace was 'tacky.' It's a giant case of DUH! Of course it's cheesy! That's the whole point, you doo-doo heads." [NY Observer]

• "Ed Hardy is fromage-y and hedonistic and naughty and badass and-the ultimate crime in the world of haute fashion — Ed Hardy is FUN!" Doonan, in his entertaining op-ed dissection of the concept of "good taste," paused to riff on Christian Audigier's design efforts. "The unrestrained, bedazzled, heavy-metal-goes-Bollywood aesthetic rivals the gaudy heyday of Gianni Versace. Instead of knocking it, the style arbiters of the world should be grateful. Monsieur Audigier has done a real mitzvah to the insecure fashion cognoscenti: He has given them something about which to feel superior. If Ed Hardy did not exist, they would have to invent it in order to get their snooty fix." Also, "popped his sabots" is the best euphemism for dying, ever. [NYObs]
• Cynthia Rowley is starting a kids' line. [Stylelist]
• Comme des Garçons' Osaka store is inaugurating a floor that will serve as an art gallery with a show by Yayoi Kusama. [WWD]
• Kate Moss's fourth women's fragrance, Vintage, launches this September, and the ads are coming out now. [NowSmellThis]
• Apparently, when a woman cuts her hair after a breakup, that's called a "breakover." Who knew? [Glamour]
• All those who remember fondly the extraordinary 26-page Daphne Guinness spread from Vogue Italia's September, 2008, issue, rejoice: the couture-loving heiress and photographer Steven Klein have teamed up again, and have another 20+ page editorial coming in Vogue Italia's September issue. Guinness says this one will be "moodier" and is inspired by a cult French film from the 60s, though she won't name which one. [Style.com]
• "Everybody thought they had to spend money. They thought it was a new way of life. Now they're rubbing the dust out of their eyes. ‘I don't need that handbag. What was I doing?' " said a brave, but anonymous, Condé Nast editor to Cathy Horyn. [NYTimes]
• Christina Binkley of the Wall Street Journal reports on a well-known industry secret: that the same firms who supply raw materials, and in some cases manufacture, for high-end brands also sell the same items to more down-market brands. Binkley compares a $1,750 cardigan sweater made in Italy by the Quarano, Piedmont, wool company Loro Piano, and a $145 J. Crew cardigan "spun from supersoft, luxurious Italian cashmere from a world-famous mill in the foothills of Piedmont." Lesson: some less-expensive brands still take immense care in their sourcing. [WSJ]
• Which may just be why CFDA executive director Steven Kolb became a J. Crew fan on Facebook. [FWD]
• A gaggle of minor celebrities — some dude who was in a Britney Spears video, the guy from North Dakota who plays Emmett Cullen in Twilight, etc — availed themselves of a pre-season event at French Connection in Los Angeles. Instead of merely being given bags of free clothes to wear when waiting for the paparazzi, the store embarrassed them by making them all play French Connection-themed Twister, whatever that is. [WWD]
• Dania Ramirez, a.k.a. Maya on Heroes, is a newly minted Covergirl. [People]
• Footwear brand Penny Loves Kenny has filed for bankruptcy protection. The company founder, Kenny Robinson, explained the filing as a tactical move in a 6-year legal battle with two China-based agents, and said he expects the brand to emerge intact in 3-6 months. [WWD]
• Philip Lim stepped into his SoHo boutique last weekend and helped some customers find the right sizes and pick out flattering items — all without telling them who he was. Then some fashion-savvy shoppers blew his cover. If more designers did thoughtful things like that, they'd certainly sell more clothes. [Fashionista]
• Burberry's second store in Canada, and its first in Toronto, opens this Friday. [WWD]
• Benetton's profits fell 63% in the first half of this year. [WWD]
• Barneys New York is putting a brave face on its 13 months — and counting — without a C.E.O., its double-digit sales declines, and its recent credit rating downgrade, to Caa3, for "very high investment risk." The company recently received $25 million from parent company Istithmar World Capital to shore up liquidity, and this week it hired an asset management company to help it restructure its $500 million debt. [WWD]

• At last, a celebrity with a realistic outlook on her whatever-line: "Unless you need it, it's just stuff," says Alicia Silverstone of her collaboration with Ecotools. [WWD]

• Paris has a Musée de la Contrefaçon, where counterfeit and genuine goods are lined up and displayed, side-by-side. Everything from the predictable (Dior handbags) to the slightly insane (Tabasco sauce) to the downright worrisome (pregnancy tests) has been knocked off; France estimates the trade in counterfeits costs its economy 38,000 jobs and $85 billion. A museum that looks like a Noah's ark of consumer goods would be an awesome place to visit. [LATimes]
• Counterfeiting is big business in Los Angeles. Vendors of counterfeit goods are so canny they have even memorized the plate numbers of undercover cops, and some labels hire private investigators to police the trade in markets like Santee Alley. The Los Angeles Economic Development Corporation estimates that L.A.-based companies lost $5.2 billion to counterfeiters in 2005. [LATimes]
• The concept for Victoria Beckham's next campaign for her dress line apparently involves models on swings — so Posh joined the models, and sat expressionless on a rope swing. [Daily Mail]
• Jennifer Lopez's new scent, "My Glow," was apparently inspired by motherhood. [WWD]
• NeNe from the Real Housewives Of Atlanta wants a shoe line. [E!]
• Ole Schell, the co-director of Picture Me, the excellent documentary about the modeling industry, talks about the film's genesis and how it was made. [DazedDigital]
• They're out there! Some two-bit pressure group calling itself the "Australians In New York Fashion Foundation" had its inaugural dinner on Wednesday. Because no matter where you go in this world, there's always an Australian there to look like she's having more fun than you are! I'm going to sob into my mug of Edgelets, wish for some Molenberg with Anchor butter, and re-research my ironclad argument about the origins of the remarkable New Zealand dessert, the Pavlova. [WWD]
• Juergen Teller's new campaign for Marc Jacobs features some very young models — Irina Kulikova is just 17 — in some very American Apparel-esque poses. [The Cut]
• Korean Vogue has a cover in triplicate this month, featuring Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Campbell, and Eva Herzigova. [FWD]
• Re-familiarize yourself with Mademoiselle Chanel in this extensive and well-written article ahead of the release of Coco Avant Chanel. [ToL]
• Who knew that Erin Wasson had a film career? She's got a walk-on role in Sophia Coppola's next movie, Somewhere. Her character? "Party Girl No. 1." [The Cut]
• Beauty chain Ulta has 331 stores nationwide, and is giving Sephora, with 230 U.S. outposts, a run for its money. Unlike Sephora, Ulta doesn't shy away from selling drugstore makeup, like Maybelline and L'Oréal — but it still offers attentive customer service and plentiful samples. Prestige brands are also well represented. Many branches have hair salons inside. Ulta is also expanding like kudzu in this real estate market: It opened 65 stores last year. [NYTimes]
• Once the Economist is on to "pop-up" stores, they're seriously not "unusual" anymore. [Economist]
• Yes, our primary concern in this market when luxury brands are forced to price their handbags at $4,445 instead of $4,900 should be the long-term ability of those brands to hike prices to $5,200 in the near future. Give us a fucking break. [BW]
• Moody's has downgraded C.E.O.-less troubled retailer Barney's New York. Again. By two whole notches. To Caa3, which is just one stop above Ca, which is for securities that "are likely in, or very near, default, with some prospect of recovery of principal and interest." [WWD]
• Some sources are saying that Zappos wanted to remain independently owned, but was actually forced to sell itself to Amazon by venture capitalists who had invested in the company. [BusinessJournals]
• Zappos C.E.O. Tony Hsieh is denying these reports. [TBI]
• A bunch of New York fashion bloggers want us to all stop shopping. Seriously, just stop it! [Racked]

• Twilight clothing is happening — it's only surprising it took so long. The duds go on sale at Nordstrom in October. Selina Khan, on the right, looks like she just doesn't care about Edward or Jacob, bless her heart. [People]

• Amazon.com is acquiring Zappos.com. The cost? $847 million. [NYTimes]
• Wonder Woman Lynda Carter will be live in person at Talbot's for Fashion Night Out, a night of special sales and events designed to encourage consumers to shop at the start of New York Fashion Week. Carter will be at Talbot's Madison Avenue store to promote her new CD, "At Last." [WWD]
• Meanwhile, France is one step closer to allowing shops to open on Sundays after the bill was narrowly approved by the senate. Mon dieu! [WWD]
• Barney's New York took down a disturbing window display that featured bloodied mannequins, posed as though they were struggling against assailants. And here we thought Simon Doonan's judgment was impeccable in all things. [NYDN]
• The actress Melissa George has invented a new product which she calls "HemmingMyWay." Geddit! The Grey's star, along with her business partner Kara Harshbarger, plans to sell clear adhesive strips with snaps affixed that allow a wearer to quickly adjust the length of her pants when she changes from flats to heels. Look, it even has a Facebook page! [WWD]
• Amy Winehouse's father wants her to license her name to a perfume house for £500,000. [Telegraph]
• And Lily Allen is doing a line of jewelry. "I love jewelry, always have done," explains the pop star. [Vogue UK]
• A 1994 Arte documentary about Yves Saint Laurent, Tout Terriblement, is being released on DVD. [WWD]
• In London next Thursday, a Chanel-themed flash mob has been announced. Anyone wearing Chanel, or Chanel-esque outfits should meet like-minded sartorial souls at St. Pancras International Station at 6 p.m. [UK Elle]
• 19-year-old Georgian Sean O'Pry topped Forbes' list of the highest-earning male models. There are pictures. [Forbes]
• Retail executives' pay fell last year. The 10 top-earning executives compensation packages decreased by 9.4%. [WWD]
• Could Fabiola Beracasa really be developing a reality show in the style of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations, where she flies around the world looking for...unusual fashion? [P6]
• Daniel Vosovic, Santino Rice, Korto Momolu, Sweet P, Jeffrey Sebelia, Uli Herzner, Mychael Knight and Chris March are the designers returning to Project Runway for a second helping of Tim Gunn's soothing drone and Heidi Klum's adenoidal exhortations. Project Runway: All-Star Challenge will be broadcast as a two-hour special before the show's sixth season premiere. All we want to know is whatever happened to Andrae? [People]
• Jeremy Scott is yet another designer heading to London Fashion Week this fall. Though based in Los Angeles, Scott normally shows in Paris. [WWD]
• MAC cosmetics is ending its sponsorship of fashion week, and instead holding its own competing roster of shows at Milk studios in Chelsea. Proenza Schouler, Erin Fetherston, and Alexander Wang have already committed to slots in the lineup. [NYTimes]
• Alex Wang on his day off, according to his friend Ryan Korban: "We do a lot of driving around - he loves driving. So we drive out to Brooklyn and just kind of cruise around. He's always got the music blasting and he's singing. It's surprising, but he's a really good driver. He's screaming and the music is to the max and he's drinking an iced coffee, but he's completely steady." [W]
• Esteban Cortazar is out at Emanuel Ungaro, WWD is reporting. The young Colombian designer had clashed with the house's management over advertising and the brand's direction; his collections met with mixed reviews, and at last month's resort show, the Ungaro CEO refused to say if Cortazar would be kept on. No successor has yet been named. [WWD]
• The quirky downtown gallery Partners & Spade got written about in the Times. Oh well — nothing good lasts forever. [NYTimes]
• Ozwald Boateng, the Ghana-born, London-based all-round spectacular menswear designer and tailor, made two suits for President Obama and hand-delivered them to the American ambassador to Ghana during the president's recent visit. If Obama wore Boateng's suits, nobody would call him frumpy, ever. [WWD]
• Another story about Crocs and what they mean. [LATimes]
• The New York Economic Development Corporation-run industry site NYCFashionInfo.com, which collates insidery arcana like designer showroom contacts and market week dates, might start accepting advertising and publishing more "lifestyle content" because it only attracts 2,000 visitors a month. [WWD]
• Apparel sales in England in the month of June rose by 1.2%. [FT]
• Skechers lost $5.9 million in the second quarter. The result was actually better than analysts had expected. [WWD]>

• Michelle Obama will receive a CFDA award — but CFDA president Steve Kolb isn't certain she'll attend. "We'll do whatever we can to get her here, but the award isn't about getting her to come." [AP]

• The other nominees include: Marc Jacobs, Narciso Rodriguez, and Kate and laura Mulleavy of Rodarte, for women's wear designer of the year; Italo Zucchelli of Calvin Klein and Michael Bastian and Scott Sternberg of Band of Outsiders are up for the men's wear award. Interestingly, the nominees for the Swarovski women's wear award, which celebrates emerging talents, include two designers who shot to acclaim after Michelle Obama wore their dresses: Jason Wu, and Thakoon Panichgul. (Alexander Wang, no lesser light, is the third nominee.) The Council of Fashion Designers of America will host its annual shindig at Lincoln Center — a change of venue from the traditional Bryant Park-adjacent Public Library — on June 15. [WWD]
• Model Tyson Beckford gave up texting, which he doesn't like to do, for Lent. Someone should maybe tell him how it works... [The Cut]
• Salma Hayek is reportedly set to debut a range of anti-aging cosmetics. [Daily Express]
• Naomi Campbell, meanwhile, is organizing a runway show benefit for victims of the Mumbai terror attacks; she'll walk in the show with Bollywood stars, and afterwards the clothes will be auctioned for charity. [WWD]
• So that's what Jil Sander was doing at the fabric fair in Paris: plotting new looks for Uniqlo! The Japanese fast-fashion giant — picture American Apparel without the cokey company culture and advertisements drenched in ballsweat — has taken on the long-unemployed designer as a kind of creative director with responsibility for all men's and women's apparel. She'll also do a special capsule collection, set to debut this fall, for sale at Uniqlo. [WWD]
• People say models look angry. I say anyone wearing a neutral expression always looks about 30% more sullen in a still photograph than they do live; anyone who's ever laid eyes on a photograph of themselves going about daily business without a posed smile has probably said the words, "But I look so angry!" Even though you weren't actually angry at the time. It's the same with models! If you want the camera to catch you looking vaguely sweet-faced, you have to kind of ham it up (slightly raise your eyebrows, widen your eyes, drop your bottom lip, purse your mouth like you're about to say something nice). And there's no fucking time for that kind of delicate facial maneuver on the runway. So you walk with a blank face and, yes, sometimes you look angry. Even though you are not. Is that all right with everyone? [The Cut]
• Scott Schuman's book, to be titled, The Sartorialist, will be released by Penguin this fall. To celebrate it, the Times of London is saying there'll be — what else? — a pop-up shop called Sartorialust selling accessories from pajamas to suspenders inside Barneys New York; Fashionista says the only confirmed store is Colette in Paris. Schuman would love, he says, to consult for a venerable menswear label and make it more modern; he's currently exploring some other kind of deal with Net-a-porter.com and the possibility of writing a style guidebook. [Times of London via Fashionista]
• Now that the fall collections are over, the Wall Street Journal is shuttering its excellent fashion blog, Heard On The Runway. I hope they don't somehow rate this a higher priority. [WSJ]
• In her CNN: Revealed documentary, screening this week, Carine Roitfeld goes through options for an upcoming cover featuring Scarlett Johansson (the editor was apparently disappointed the actress had dyed her hair brown before the shoot, since it made her look less recognizable). CNN just released a teaser video, which has footage of the potential cover shot. [Fashionologie]
• Juicy Couture on 5th Ave. certainly has some imaginative window dressers: their current offering features one mannequin on its hands and knees, in that awkward doesn't-quite-bend mannequinly way, wearing a saddle. Another stands over it, holding a riding crop, in case you didn't get it. Do they think this will sell sweats? [Racked]
• Singer Adele, whom Anna Wintour styled for the Grammys and had Annie Leibovitz photograph for Vogue's "Shape" issue, says she would have walked the red carpet in a "jumper" if Anna hadn't rang. "Anna! As if we're on that level! I hate fashion! I had to tell her I've got four bums..." She took Vogue editor Hamish Bowles, her Grammys date, out for In N Out after the ceremony. [Grazia]
• JC Penney, the Humane Society has announced, has gone fur free. By which the company means they currently have no fur items and no plans to sell any in future. It's as if McDonalds went "cruelty-free" by announcing that they are definitely never going to serve any foie gras. [HSUS]
• A Swedish company owns the rights to Gucci's iconic double-G logo, at least in Sweden, a patent court there has found. Fishy. [UPI]
• Various brands, including Lacoste and Coach, are planning price cuts for the coming seasons. They hope to prevent retailers from having to make steep discounts of their own, as happened last year, because seeing something expensive marked down by 70% makes customers question whether the item was ever worth its original price. Lowering the original price by 30% makes customers say, This is surprisingly cheap, let's buy it! Allegedly. [Forbes]
• Or will "vengeful populism" destroy our appetite for luxury goods altogether? [AdAge]
• Either way, Escada's losses are even greater than originally reported for the quarter. [WWD]
• American Apparel, which was saved from bankruptcy with an eleventh-hour financing agreement last week, reported a 29% increase in net profits last quarter. [WWD]
• Valentino says if you want to be his friend, you have to love his designs. [VF]

• Stella McCartney calls dibs on bride-to-be Scarlett Johansson: "I'm definitely doing her wedding dress. She doesn't know it yet." Awkward. [People]
  
• Says Marc Jacobs on the bride-to-be, "I'm really happy for her. She's a great girl. I just think Scarlett is great and I hope she is very, very happy. She's super funny. I love a smart, ballsy, New Yorker and that's what she is. I wish her the best." And by "the best" he clearly means, "Do why didn't that bitch ask me to design her wedding dress?" [Vogue UK]
  
• Chris "Mr. Big" Noth has some strong feelings about Victoria's Secret, "I'm not into Victoria's Secret so much. I find it over the top. I like subtlety and I like elegance. I think their things are gaudy and they are really trying too hard. If I could make a fashion statement, I think that Victoria's Secret looks to me like somebody who is putting on too much make-up. It's too gaudy, man. I mean, come on take it easy, you don't have to have a fuckin' bouquet of flowers on your underwear. Sorry Victoria's Secret; I hope they're not one of our sponsors!" [Oh No They Didn't]
  
• "You can get diamonds cheap," says Heidi Klum, which is why she's going to start sewing them into the pockets of her Jordache jeans line. Clearly, she has not seen Blood Diamond. [WWD, 9th item]

• Good for you, Adidas, for winning your lawsuit against Payless shoes for their blasphemous thievery of what is clearly a design that only you own: Stripes. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Seriously, Suri Cruise does not need custom-made Roger Vivier shoes. I, however, do. [WWD, 1st item]
• So what did More editor-in-chief Lesley Jane Seymour do Monday night in lieu of attending the Met Costume Institute Gala? (She wasn't invited.) "I dressed up in my best Versace and barbecued on the my outside deck in the suburbs! Only kidding about the Versace! I wore Prada." [Fashion Week Daily]
• Oh also, Christina Ricci left the Costume Institute Gala in a huff after realizing upon entering that she and her boyfriend had not been seated together. [Page Six]
• If only I had been trapped in an elevator with Giorgio Armani yesterday. [Wowowow]
• So Gwyneth Paltrow is all, "I don't get why there's this big fuss about my S&M footwear fetish." [USA Today]
• Video footage of Gemma Ward trying to slay Liv Tyler: Here. [Fashionista]
• Video footage of Karlie Kloss doing ballet: Here. [NY Mag]
• Model and sometimes di Caprio girlfriend Bar Rafaeli sorta needs to pony up and serve in the Israeli Army already. [UPI]
• Oh of course Jimmy Choo is trying to usurp as much press and glory as they can from the opening of the Sex and the City movie. [Vogue UK]
• Ksube + Kanye = Pretty cool. [Sassybella]
• Diet Coke + Patricia Field = Pretty random. [Sassybella]
• OMG why did The Sartorialist get fired from the new Gap ads as a model already?! Why?! Why?! [Fashionista]
• Beth Ditto will be entertaining guests at the opening of the Alexander McQueen store in L.A. next week. [Fashion Week Daily]
• In the midst of economic downturn Barneys New York and Target seem to be entering into one of those "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" sorta things. [WWD, sub req'd]
• And young design bad-ass Danielle Scutt is designing for Topshop. Seeing a theme here? [WWD, 8th item]
• The Turks? Love them some Dior. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Just what you needed: How to dress like celebrities, made easy. And a little stalker-ish. [TechCrunch]

• OMG: Rachel Zoe has been disinvited from the Anna Wintour-hosted Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Gala, taking place Monday night in New York. This is what you get when you tempt the gods and proclaim yourself more important than Vogue. [Fashion Week Daily]
  
• Also, Wintour has instructed Vogue staffers that they may only wear white, silver, or other "pale shades." Just like the colors of faces that she likes to see on her magazine's cover! [Fashion Week Daily]
  
• French Vogue editor-in-chief Carine Roitfeld and designer/Chanel creative director "Krazy" Karl Lagerfeld were both named to the Time 100 List, as influential members of the fashion community. Something about the way they both made fashion about "the street" or something. [Vogue UK]
  
• Gisele Bundchen is still the top-paid model, according to Forbes. Heidi Klum is the second. Take that, Moss. [Sassybella]

• Agyness Deyn: The mannequin. [BlackBook]
• The Rogan for Target collection is also going to be sold at Barneys. Which is not Target at all. [WSJ]
• Steve & Barry's is going to be shilling Sex and the City movie merchandise, which will be licensed for the store under Sarah Jessica Parker's "Bitten" label. [Sassybella]
• Uh oh: Seems the women behind the red carpet label Marchesa are having a bit of a tiff. While Georgina Chapman and Keren Craig used to be knows as the label's "co-designers", their titles have been changed on their website: Chapman is now listed as "designer" and Craig is noted as "co-founder." [Page Six]
• Dockers: Trying to reach out to the hip and the young. LOL. [MediaPost]
• Christian Siriano: Designed a dress for Puma. [Chic Report]
• Helena Christensen on why she loves photographer Peter Lindbergh: "Even when I looked pretty funny back in the day with my baby fat, perm, and hippie clothes, he put me on the cover of British Vogue!" Oh, models. [Fashion Week Daily]
• The latest beauty tool you didn't know you needed: An eyelash comb. [BellaSugar]
• The Versace resort in Dubai is... sorta exactly what you would expect a Versace resort in Dubai to be. [Chic Report]
• Diane von Furstenberg, Dolce & Gabbana, Oscar de la Renta, Akira Isogawa, the members of Coldplay, Jeff Koons, Philippe Starck and Tory Burch have all been asked to create "themes" for iGoogle's new customized homepage thingies. [Sassybella]
• Vanessa Paradis: The new face of Miu Miu? [Glaumrama]
• Calvin Klein went on a little field trip to Dubai last week. Blah blah, models behind plexiglass. The usual. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Jones New York: Stock is up, profits are down. The usual. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Kohl's: Gonna slow down its expansion plan 'cause their scared of the economy. The usual. [WWD, sub req'd]
• If you want to wear a pantsuit, make sure it's not double-breasted. [WSJ]
• Blue's Clues's: The shoes — at a Payless near you. [BrandWeek]

On why he thinks of himself and Kate Moss as kindred spirits:

We're both working-class slags from crap towns.

Hokey street theatre...I think I invented disgustingly messy windows

They were self-invented, unconventional, and had no preconceived ideas about parenting [and] a stratospherically high tolerance for unconventional behaviour.

[They] should be taken off to internment camps and forced to become artists to see what a drag it is... artists agonise over their line quality and window-dressers agonise over their fashion accessories.

Most celebrities are as boring as shit. The way they look, the way they cavort themselves - they look like a bunch of dreary Republican wives going to the country club.

Simon Doonan: All In The Worst Possible Taste [Telegraph]

Earlier: Five Quirky Quips From Wonderfully Wacky Simon Doonan

• Oh sweet Jesus: There are reports that Victoria Beckham will serve as the stylist on Tom Cruise's new movie, The Hardy Boys. [Fashionista]
  
• It's confirmed: The all-black Italian Vogue cover shot by Steven Meisel is a go and Jordan Dunn is set to star. [Vogue UK]
  
• Claire Danes: The new face of Gucci jewelry. Says Gucci creative director Frida Giannini: "Claire Danes is a modern icon...[Her] sensual, confident beauty and her passionate, independent and strong character embodies today's Gucci woman." Also, Claire Danes always looks totally bored by everything. Just saying. [WWD, 1st item]
  
• Lindsay Lohan is the face of Visa's new glorified Salvation Army stores where old clothing can be swapped for other people's old clothing. How far she has fallen. [WWD, 5th item]

• Yay for the Humane Society for demanding for revised (meaning, honest) labeling practices for fur garments. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Barneys New York creative director/ my imaginary best friend Simon Doonan on the infamously red-soled Chrisitan Louboutin shoes: "Christian's shoes are like the circus coming into town. Louboutins are a total drug and there is no methadone." [WWD, 2nd item]
• Start counting down now: The McGraw by Tim McGraw fragrance enters drugstores in August. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Model Maggie Rizer wants to open up a doggy day care center and spa in New York's West Village. Of course she does. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Salma Hayek has been named the godmother of Puma's ocean-racing team. [Fashion Week Daily]

• Skincare guru Dr. Murad says that "being isolated isn't good for you." Is he saying that it's unhealthy that I work by myself from my couch watching Bravo reality shows all day? [BellaSugar]
• Maria Sharapova: Scared of Anna Wintour, and with good reason. [Page Six]
• Looks like Richie Rich and Trevor Rains' Heatherlette label has finally gone belly up. [NY Daily News]
• The new John Varvatos store in the old CBGB's space still smells like piss, beer and cigarettes. [NY Daily News]
• Africa: It's like totally inspiring. And fashionable. [Houston Chronicle]
• No shit! Celebs are good for selling products. [Forbes]
• Why hold out for the new iPhone when you can hold out for the new Prada phone? [Guardian]
• Why must Agyness Deyn continue to insist on her own importance? [NY Mag]

Abercrombie & Fitch
This probably won't shock you: Abercrombie & Fitch is torn between mindless apathy and pure evil. In the past six election cycles only one candidate has managed to crack a thousand in campaign contributions collected from Abercrombie employees' studiously frayed pockets, and that politician would be — you guessed it! — George W. Bush. The Skull & Bones candidate has raised $5,000 in racist classist Abercrombie dollars over the past few cycles, largely thanks to spokesman Tom Lennox. It is the only retailer whose employees have contributed to the Worst Presidency Ever.

Urban Outfitters
Urban Outfitters founder and CEO Dick Hayne is notorious for his support of that weird Pennsylvania senator who brought home his dead baby and became the first politician to become synonymous with butt sex. But the single largest recipient of Urban Outfitters campaign contributions has been Barack Obama, whose $7,400 collected from various executives — perhaps subliminally influenced by those clever T-shirts? — just tops the $7,100 of Dick's dollars that have lined the coffers of Rick Santorum.

J. Crew
J.Crew is your store if you are into uneasy family reunions! CEO Mickey Drexler has donated nearly a hundred grand to Democratic committees alone, while octogenarian founder Arthur Cinader likes lining the coffers of any fucking batshit Republican who bats an eyelash his away. Cinader has donated to Alan Keyes, Sam Brownback and Malcolm Forbes, but his fave is Phil Gramm, who has received $8,000 from him over the years.

Barney's
Barney's is the place to shop if you like avant-garde design and hate Hillary. Employees have donated thousands of dollars to New York politicians over the past few years — $1000 to Charlie Rangel, $4,000 to Chuck Schumer, $3,000 to Rudy — and a mere five Benjamins to Hills. (Though $250 did come from creative director Julie Gilhart, who is like the Karl Rove of fashion trends. Perhaps she likes pantsuits?)

Forever 21
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the store for your blue-collar budget is the biggest supporter of the Hillary Clinton campaign, clocking in at $11,500. Interestingly, two executives also donated a total of $4,000 to Rudy Giuliani's campaign and another $2,300 to Obama. Everyone knows variety = the spice of Forever 21!

On plastic surgery:

"I am completely opposed to it. I understand it with performers who might want to extend their careers, but the whole concept of being anti-aging is very questionable to me. Regular people torturing their faces, it's nasty. Learn to glue on false eyelashes. Don't become Jocelyn Wildenstein when you can be Louise Nevelson."

Funny Face [WWD]

• Breaking news! Karl Lagerfeld changed his uniform. He's now rocking a gray suit and a bow tie, in contrast to the black suit and a skinny tie of yore. This is akin to the time Jay-Z announced he had stopped wearing sports jerseys, and you can expect its effects to be felt on the Karl Lagerfeld figurine industry and the Karl Lagerfeld party impersonator industry soonest. [FabSugar UK]
  
• "I told them, 'I'll only do it if you make me a guitar case with the logo on it,' " says Keith Richards, of what made him agree to be the new face of Louis Vuitton. Way to haggle, Keith! [USA Today]
  
• Barneys Creative Director/general master of awesomeness Simon Doonan's memoir of his childhood, Nasty is being turned into a TV show called Beautiful People thanks to the producer of The Office and Asbolutely Fabulous. "It's a low-rent Madame Bovary," he says. We may just be watching this. [WWD, 2nd item]
  
• Speaking of which, says Donatella Versace of Doonan, after their stint parading in the Barneys windows together: "I think Simon actually wants to be a mannequin." [WWD, sub req'd]

• Is the push-up bra the greatest fashion invention of all time? Because we were thinking that inflatable bra you can carry a bottle of wine around in was kind of cooler. [Daily Mail]
• Brooks Brothers signed 21-year-old LPGA golfer Taylor Leon as its first female spokeswoman. I'm sure it's because she's really exotic-looking and has an innate sense of style but I don't really know/care who she is. [WWD, 4th item]
• English Misshapes-y celebutante Peaches Geldof is designing a clothing line. You know, every time I think, "I have just about had it with psudo celebrity endorsement deal whatevers," something like this happens, and I wonder, "is it time to excise the 'just about' from that statement"? Is this really the final straw? But you can't waste the final straw on fucking PEACHES GELDOF. Anyway, still deciding; carry on. [WWD, 2nd item]
• The rumors are true: A Rem Koolhaas-Miuccia Prada art museum is on. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Banana Republic: Now in the UK. [Vogue UK]
• But uh-oh: Are Banana Republic's wares being made by workers in India who are being forced to work 70-hour weeks for less than minimum wage? How ever could a nice company like Banana Republic allow something like that to happen? [Guardian]
• Also in the UK, illustrator Will Broome for Topshop, who says of his work, "Like a Care Bear that is beyond caring; My Little Pony on a trip to the glue factory; Paddington on the psychiatrist's couch." [Vogue UK]
• Despite sucky economy, Guess is doing really, really well and opening up a shitload of new stores. And somewhere in Heaven, Anna Nicole smiles that woozy faraway smile of hers. [WWD, sub req'd]
• The economy may be in trouble, but don't worry about Nike! They're making money hand over fist! [Reuters]
• A new "life coaching" book called What Would Jackie Do? Uh, besides smile through years of emotional abuse and pathological infidelity? Do I really want to know? [FabSugar]
• Smelly razors = bad idea. [BellaSugar]

I was actually pretty surprised I won. I wanted it so badly, but I needed it more than I wanted it. I'm just getting started....I'm not looking to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. I want to brand myself as well, but I want my clothes to be high fashion, avant-garde. It's easier to take inspiration from something that's creative than to build on something that's not. I don't want to do QVC.

Fortunately for Siriano, he — unlike Project Runway alums Chloe Dao, Jay McCarroll, Emmett McCarthy, and Laura Bennett — won't have to: Barneys New York, Jeffrey's, and Saks Fifth Avenue have all already bought pieces of his. So, yeah — one week after winning and Siriano, on talent and personality alone, is already the most successful person to have come out of the Bravo show. Other reasons to love Christian? He cares about his friends. "The only episode that bothered me was the first part of the finale. They showed all of the other designers with their friends and family, but not me. I had a bunch of friends over, and they cut it out of the episode. I'm not alone out here," says the clearly sensitive soul. Also, he's still friends with model Lisa Nargi. Says Lisa, "He's someone I'm always texting or sending messages to on MySpace. When things calm down for him, we'll definitely see a lot of each other....His clothes are going to be up there with the top designers. They're going to be the clothes that everyone wants to have. He'll be a designer like [John Galliano]."

And how is his life different post-Runway? "I can hardly go out anymore," he says. "Everyone wants to touch me or carry me, which gets really annoying after the first few times. You'd think I was naked the way people look at me....But I get paid to do parties now." Oh and does he say "fierce" anymore? Of course not: His phrase du jour is now "I'm gonna stab you."

Rubbing Elbows, Making Art [The Advocate]