Jezebel 
Enter your username and password.
New York, 8:59 PM
Thu Nov 26
3 posts in the last 24 hours
Tip your editors:
tips@jezebel.com
Editor-in-Chief:
Anna Holmes
Email | Twitter
Deputy Editor:
Dodai Stewart
Email | Twitter
Senior Contributing Editor:
Tracie Egan
Email | Twitter
Contributing Editors:
Anna North
Email | Twitter
Sadie Stein
Email | Twitter
Reporter:
Irin Carmon
Email | Twitter
Editorial Assistant:
Margaret Hartmann
Email | Twitter
Contributors:
Rich Juzwiak
Email | Twitter
Latoya Peterson
Email
Jenna Sauers
Email
Lizzie Skurnick
Email
Interns:
Katy Kelleher
Twitter
Original material is licensed under a Creative Commons License permitting non-commercial sharing with attribution.
11/06/09
My situation is maybe a bit different than most, as my bio daughter and stepdaughter are basically the same age and then I have two younger children.
It is not my stepdaughter. It is balancing the very fine line of retaining authority in my own house, treating her like all the other kids, still recognizing that her situation is just different, and respecting everyone's feelings.
My stepdaughter basically worships her mother, goes to see her every single weekend, and would much rather live with her were circumstances different. All of this is completely understandable to me, but it can still make me feel inadequate sometimes.
Because she is with her mother so often, she brings a lot of different influences and sometimes attitudes in the house that can affect the dynamic for everyone else. Now, her mother and I don't really get along- we are just too different- but we are cordial enough. We do not interefere in the other's house, thankfully. But she is a different person and has different ways of raising her child. This can be difficult when my stepdaughter has to make that transition back into our house every week.
Well enough though, I know people have harder times. It's just a really weird position to be in. #mommywars
11/06/09
Their mom gets plenty of credit too -- she's always been perfectly civil and even kind to me, even when there were conflicts between her and my husband. She remarried many years ago, so the boys also have a stepdad. We all get along pretty darn well. I know, I'm very fortunate. #mommywars
11/06/09
Would you say that anything you said or did early on in your step-momness helped established this good dynamic?
And (not to be too nosy...don't answer if you don't want), do you and your husband have your "own" kids? I am always curious about how that affect dynamics, or doesn't. #mommywars
11/07/09
I suppose that it doesn't hurt that meeting his sons was one of the things that made me fall in love with my husband. I saw how he was with them and thought, "I could see raising children with this man." They were 6 and 8 at the time, and they were (and still are) truly wonderful kids.
Ironically, we have not had children together, and we're now at the point in life where that's unlikely to happen (for one thing, he had a vascectomy long before we met), but that's okay with me. I've never had a huge desire to give birth to a child of my own, and I did a lot of soul-searching about that before we married to be sure I would be okay with the possibility of never having kids.
Even though I've always made it clear that I never wanted to be or replace their mom -- they already have a mom! -- I have come to realize over the years that I am a very important part of their parenting. Their dad and I are a team. When I think one of the boys has a valid point in an argument, I will support them, and I will also support their dad when he has a stronger position. They know I'm never "taking sides," but giving my own perspective, and they seem to value it, especially as they grow into young men.
Sorry to write so much. Hope this has been at least a little bit enlightening. You're absolutely right -- I am very blessed, and I am thankful every single day! #mommywars
11/07/09
11/06/09
I am seriously involved with a man who has a child and the thought of becoming a stepmother terrifies me because BioMom and me are complete opposites ( she is the unhappy evil one) - I get along amazing with the kid until it comes close to the time to leave to go back to Biomom and I get beat up on.
My larger issue is when I have my own child and my child has to live with the stepchild...I fear unhappy BioMom's baggage will transfer to my child via the stepchild who is already very aware that BioMom and I are polar opposites. It is confusing for the child - and I get disrespected because of the conflicting loyalties.
I am in the precess of deciding if I even want to proceed and my greatest hesitation is BioMom - she is not a person I would ever choose to have in my life, but if I choose this path she will be on a daily basis.
No matter how great I am, I will never be viewed by the child as such because BioMom will always win. BioMom will always be loved more. (And yes BioMom talks trash about me and is selfish and just generally unaware about her child's feelings, immature, jealous, etc. etc.). Most unfortunate though is BioMom and BioKid will always take first place with the Dad.
I am of the mindset that in a family - the marriage comes before the kids. The marriage is what we will have to live with for the rest of our lives, not the children. I think a strong caring and loving marriage sets the greatest example and basis for raising happy, healthy well adjusted and independent adults.
I feel very strongly that if children are raised well - then they move on, move out and move up to having their own happy successful relationships and excessive dependence on parents in adulthood is unhealthy and selfish parenting. You marry for love and partnership - you would want your child to do the same. You need to show them that by example. Children and parenting are benefits and products of that love, not the goal.
I am not sure my philosophy can be achieved if there are 3 or more "parents" involved. I am not sure I see the reward in being a stepmother.
11/06/09
11/07/09
lilywhite's situation is much more complex and awkward than mine. I don't mean to make light of it at all. Just remember that as the kids get older, the level of parental involvement drops. However, the issues and habits kids get from their bio-parents will always be a factor, and often a source of frustration and anger (my husband gets most irritated with the boys when they act "like their mother" who can be very stubborn, never apologizes, and has a bit of a martyr complex). This is sometimes where the value in a stepparent is the position of being slightly outside of that dynamic, where one might have a little more perspective on what's going on. #mommywars
11/07/09
But I was keeping her situation distinct from mine, which happens to be very, very good. I just felt it was important to point out that she shouldn't feel disadvantaged in her own home life. I know that that can creep in, and every woman deserves the feeling of standing on equal footing.
Hope it all goes swimmingly, lilywhite! #mommywars
11/06/09
I'm in a relationship with my wonderful boyfriend and his almost-five-year-old daughter, who was 2 when we started dating. My relationship with her is easy and uncomplicated, since as "Daddy's Friend" I don't view myself as an authority figure - and he steps in if she's being obnoxious to me or anyone else. However, I often wonder how it would change if we got married or moved in together and I was there all the time - how much say I would have over things in my own home, and how much interaction I would have to have with his ex-wife (they have 50/50 custody)?
My greatest fear is ending up in just the kind of disenfranchised position you describe in this post - living with a child whose upbringing I have little say in, being subject to the whims of a first wife in scheduling day-to-day activities, and stuffing it all inside because adults aren't supposed to make themselves a higher priority over children - experiencing all the crap stuff about parenthood without the solace of having a modicum of control over the situation, or getting half the credit of a bio mom (my friend who has been a great stepmom for years was hurt every Mother's Day when nobody thought to recognize the fact that she worked long hours as a Girl Scout leader, soccer team mom and school volunteer for her stepdaughter).
I'm sure there *are* situations where the kids are the ones who are powerless and disenfranchised, but it's easy for a doting father and a stepmother/new partner who wants to "do the right thing" to place her needs at the bottom of the list, and for her to deny her need for attention and control over her living situation. I love my boyfriend dearly, and for now everything is great, but these are the things I worry about. #mommywars
11/06/09
A lot of authority over my life was immediately ceded to her, with little regard for the way it made me feel. I was expected to treat her exactly as if she was my mother, because, as I was repeatedly told, she thinks of me as if I was one of her own children, despite mountains of evidence that she was far more permissive with her biological children than she was with me, and that she treated me in ways that could be downright abusive. I not only picked up on the fact that her words were not matching up with her actions, but I also resented the fact that she was trying to slot into a position that, in my mind, was already occupied.
Don't get me wrong. Now that I am an adult, I have a lot more understanding for what my stepmom was dealing with, and I actually love her a whole lot and we get along really wonderfully now, but when I was a kid the merging of the families was very, very traumatic for me to deal with. It's something I've only recently been able to admit to myself, because I know how important and necessary the divorce and my parents' subsequent remarriages were, and part of me feels that by admitting not everything was kosher with the step-parentals, that I am somehow providing fodder for those who would say that divorce is unacceptable for couples who have children. I guess the only way I have been able to square my overarching ideals with my personal experience is to realize that the integration of stepparents into my life could have been handled in ways that were much healthier and more respectful. But hey, it's not like there is a handbook for any of this shit, so I can't blame anyone too much for the things that went wrong. #mommywars
11/06/09
I wonder if you have kids or are divorced? Perhaps you should talk with some moms in this situation to get a little bit broader perspective. I think it would be instructional for you. #mommywars
11/05/09
11/05/09
11/05/09
Or how about: fathers using the stepmother's inexperience to undermine and devalue her and his daughter while pitting step-mom against bio-mom (since bio-mom wised up to his shit and left.. thus rendering him "powerless") and putting daughter in between to figure out who is the "real" mom. You know, so he can feel more manly or something.
Not that I'd know. #mommywars
11/06/09
Be assured that some stepmoms (& bio parents) work assiduously to avoid such dynamics. #mommywars
11/05/09
11/05/09
Also, has anyone else ever descended into the hell that is trying to buy a stepmother card for mother's day? All of the cards assume either a)the the stepmother has replaced the biomom, or b)that the stepmother is a recent addition to the family. Um, no? Not that stepfather ones are any better. Get on that, Hallmark. #mommywars
11/06/09
But yeah, Hallmark? How about one with an Evil Disney Stepmom on the front and when you open it, it says, "Well, thanks for not being THAT!" or something? #mommywars
11/06/09
And that would be an awesome card. It's kind of pathetic that there are more cards from the dog than there are for stepmothers. I may make that card for her next year. #mommywars
11/05/09
"What would become of them if it weren't for me? Nothing, that's what. All they'd ever do is the housework, which seems to feature largely in these stories. They'd marry some peasant, have seventeen kids, and get 'A dutiful wife' engraved on their tombstones, if any. Big deal.
I stir things up, I get things moving. 'Go play in the traffic,' I say to them. 'Put on this paper dress and look for strawberries in the snow.' It's perverse, but it works."
The whole thing is here [www.mississippireview.com] (third item on page), and it's f.ing BRILLIANT. Go read it. She's the plot, babe, and don't ever forget it.
11/05/09
She tried playing DDR with us, listened to us talk about video games and anime, and helps mediate arguments with my dad.
We tease her and call her "the evil stepmother", but we don't mean it at all. #mommywars
11/05/09
And then there's Reality Stepmother, who is generally between a rock and a hard place, and who often has little leverage in her relationship to the children. This can result in Evil Stepmother behavior, or in mature adult behavior, or in behavior that looks pretty Evil Stepmother to a fourteen-year-old but is really the best the stepmom can do. That's all a matter of family dynamics. #mommywars
11/05/09
11/05/09
The worst part is that I *do* feel like a stereotype...and know how easy it would be for the kids to put me in that box. They're not much younger than me (the oldest is 10 years my junior), so I don't expect to be "telling them what to do" when bf and I get married. The grandkids are closer to the age my children would be, if I had any. I'm not worried about them, fortunately.
I'm sorry this is so disjointed, this is actually the first time I've tried to put together how I feel about the whole thing. #mommywars
11/06/09
I say just be as respectful as you can, and as understanding as you can, and maybe with time they will come to see that you are not all the things they think you are. #mommywars