Citing research that stepmothers suffer from depression at higher rates than both mothers and stepfathers, and the fact that parenting advice for stepmothers is often woefully biased, Martin writes, "the woman with younger stepchildren finds herself in a position of having no say about parenting practices in her own home. The stepmother with older or even adult stepchildren is not necessarily exempt from this problem. Many women told me they had endured snippy remarks and barely veiled hostility from their adult stepchildren." Stepmothers, because they are so eager to be accepted into the family unit, are vulnerable to manipulation. This doesn't sound like a very good deal.

There are all kinds of psychological reasons why this might be so, and Martin points to them: fathers feel guilt for subjecting the kids to the disruption of divorce. Children may project their feelings of upset and loss onto the new woman they, consciously or not, consider at fault. Stepmothers are left to tolerate intentional slights because conventional wisdom encourages them to refer parenting decisions — especially regarding discipline — to the children's "real" parent.

But there are also plenty of cultural reasons for these lamentable family dynamics that came to my mind. for one thing, it's possible that stepmothers are made to feel like "interlopers" for violating that most sacred cultural bond: that between mother and child. Part and parcel with our culture's fetishization of squeaky-clean motherhood is its demonization of anything, or anyone, that gets in motherhood's way. To a lot of women, there may seem something fundamentally unfair about another woman raising their kids. (Look at the outcry that ensued when Gisele Bundchen dared tell Vanity Fair that she loved Bridget Moynahan's baby son, Jack, "the same way as if he were mine.") The abuse — whether it's the cute kid in the movie heckling the lady daddy's dating, or something altogether more serious — becomes a kind of righteous payback.

And of course, throughout history, there are many examples of women's power being limited by disinformation and counterfactual stereotypes; think of how the ideal body, as presented by advertising and the fashion industry, has shrunk during the 20th Century, as real women everywhere have made great strides toward equal treatment. It's obvious that the "evil stepmother" never really existed — but it is worth asking why we had to make her up.

What Makes Stepmothering A Feminist Issue? [Psychology Today]

For those who haven't read it (and you should!) Karr's Liars Club paints a beautifully-grueling picture of her childhood in East Texas, growing up with a pair of mostly well-meaning alcoholic parents. During the course of the book, Mary's creative and charming (though not exactly warm and fuzzy) mother Charlie suffers two nervous breakdowns, and ends up leaving Mary and her sister Lecia alone in Colorado for weeks at a time while she runs off to Mexico, gets addicted to diet pills, and drinks thousands of Mason jars full of rot gut vodka.

Perhaps the most moving part of The Liar's Club is when Mary and Lecia watch their mother set fire to most of their worldly possessions in a makeshift driveway pyre. Included in the detritus is Mary's rocking horse.

That's my horse getting doused by the upended gas can. I knot my arms in front of my chest and think how I wanted to keep that horse for bouncing. It's supposed to be a baby toy, but some days when Lecia's out, I ride it with springs screeching and close my eyes and picture myself galloping across a wide prairie. Now that horse looks at me blank-eyed and tired. I scan around for a rock or a two-by-four to conk mother on the head with. But Lecia's hands won't let go my shoulders. She could be watching the weather on TV for all the feeling her face shows. I tell her that's my horse Mother's messing with. But she's bored with this complaint. So I let it go. Bye-bye, old Paint, I think to myself, I'm a-leaving Cheyenne

'M' Is For The Mania, Manipulation And Magic [New York Times]
Her Last Death [Amazon]
A Scrappy Little Beast [Salon]

Earlier: Island Of The Blue Dolphins: I'm A Cormorant And I Don't Care

Related:
The Liar's Club: A Memoir [Amazon]

I still remember overhearing the tearful phone calls. One girl in particular stood out because her parents said they would buy her a Beamer if she lost 20 pounds by Christmas. I'm pretty sure she didn't end up losing the weight, but her mother did succeed in fomenting her daughter's self-loathing and bulimia. Great job, mom! My own mother, who is extremely slender and pushing 60, is still getting over the fact that in second grade she had the biggest waist in class and had to buy her clothes in the "husky" section of the department store. Consider this a public service announcement for the current and future mothers of America: being a teenager is hard enough as it is without your mom implying that you're fat and lame. Unless you're willing to foot the bill for the decades of therapy you're going to inspire, perhaps you should lay off your kids, mkay?

As Cool as They Want to Be [New York Times]