It bothers me to think that anyone would decide against motherhood based on horror stories and these woman-shaming articles in the media. It's not the most glorious thing ever, and it's not the ninth circle of hell. If you can manage to get past what we're supposed to think of it, and what people will say in their worst moments about this or any other job, you can make an informed decision. But the flood of "OMG, never having kids sounds like hell too selfish are you fucking crazy to have done this to yourself?!!" every time one of these articles gets posted always gets my back up. Smart women can be good moms, even smart, selfish ones. It's an adjustment, but regardless of how much my kid is annoying me at any given moment, my life is fucking awesome, and I refuse to be shamed for it.

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And the rational explanation is, I'm nearing 30 (which is the age most people start to freak out and OMG WHAT IF I HAD MADE THAT CHOICE I CAN NEVER FUCK ANOTHER PERSON EVVERRRR OMG), and I started to work from home and dress up and notice, well damn, still some men would like to bone me, despite mommy status.

Even so, there are thoughts of the mind, and actions of the flesh. The mind is thoroughly depraved, and the actions of the flesh only so in the sanctity of my marriage.

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Actually, wait, yes I would.

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But calling the guy you are fantasizing about is crossing the line to me. It is fine to think about an ex when you're by yourself, but getting in touch with them to see how they stack up to the fantasy is playing with fire and disrespectful to your partner. Not cheating, but not a good idea.

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I'll start by saying that it's only a dichotomy to the extent that we buy that it's a dichotomy. The life of any parent changes enormously when that person becomes a parent, but his or her past is not erased, and if they don't act like it's been erased or allow others to act like it's been erased, they become a broader, bigger, person -- not narrower, smaller, less themselves. We go through many stages in our lives, with emphasis on different aspects at different times, but we do not ever have to truly lose any of the parts of our true Selves.

To which I'll add: Please note that the mom in question was fantasizing about a life with a different man as a mechanism for fantasizing about a life without her baby, and not about having sex with a different man!

To which I can only say: A) I know very few women indeed who are the least bit interested in sex with anyone at that stage in their lives (this is one of those shifting emphasis things -- the drive for sex comes back! Don't worry!) and B) I believe every parent (and yes, I am going to continue to insist on being gender neutral through most of this, because DADS ARE PARENTS TOO!) has at least one moment when they wish their kids away. It's not a moment that anyone is ever very proud of, but it's normal and it means nothing unless you act on it -- parenting is hard even when it's easy, and those first few months are a doozy.

And finally, there is nothing wrong with this society getting a little more focused on mothers, fathers, and progeny. We have been living for decades in this crazy space that assumes that children can be barely seen and heard not at all, that working parents will never/should never be "parents" first and "working" second, that creates an atmosphere in which new parents feel alone, abandoned, and utterly clueless.

"Glorifying" is unnecessary, thank you -- those pedestals tend to be very, very easy to fall off of -- but a little more realistic inclusion of ALL of life's many messy stages -- birth, illness, dying, you know! -- would do a world of good for this society.

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Didn't these people have childhoods themselves? Didn't they see their parents exhausted and stressed out by the end of every day? Didn't they go through long periods of resenting their mothers and fathers? Don't they realize that if babies were a magic panacea that less marriages would end in divorce?

WHAT WORLD DID THESE FREAKING PEOPLE GROW UP IN?

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I never did work out how she did it.

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