I was a live in nanny for a year. The family I worked for was going through a divorce, which they conveniently "forgot" to tell me during the interview process, and the mom spent the majority of her time in a different state with her new boyfriend.
I reached my limit when I was expected to provide the mom who is the shittiest mother I've ever experienced a detailed schedule of my weekend activities, even though I had my weekends off. No, I don't have to do that, even if I am living in your house.
It was also weird then being the "mom" in the house - not just taking care of the kids, but also being the other grownup in the dynamic. The dad never, ever hit on me, but it was still an intimate relationship in the fact that we were both invested in the welfare of these kiddos, and since I was basically the new mom stand-in i had to be involved in a lot of other household things.
I love kids, but I'm relieved not to be doing that anymore.
I can't even watch The Nanny Diaries - my first live-in gig is too eerily similar.
Kind of apropos, I watched The Nanny Diaries last week.
I never had a "Nanny" but my Mom left me with parent's of my "friends" 4 different times throughout my childhood, all for months to a year at a time, afterschool. I HATED IT. I preferred daycare or even just going home to be alone, but that was out of the question. Every single one of my "friends" all developed a power trip and I was made to feel like a burden and a total outcast. Awful awful AWFUL memories. I even ran away from one of these people's houses once.
So please, Jezzie Mothers, don't leave your kids with their friend's Moms. It never turns out the way you think.
I'm really excited to read Tasha Blaine's book. I worked as nanny all through college, and full-time in the few years since graduating. There are so many strange lines that get crossed or blurred in this work. I really don't understand nannies who can say "It's just a job," because for me it isn't- it's such intimate work raising someone's children. I've seen the first roll-overs, first steps, first words. But I've also had to fight for vacation pay, often worked past my set schedule without receiving overtime, and have been expected to do way more than I originally agreed to. It's a weird field- I've loved working in it, but I'm also happy to eventually leave.
They made her work on her day off? Shouldn't she get time and a half for that?
This definitely applies to non-nannies; it can apply to anyone whose employer blurs the lines between professional and personal. I worked for a while as a secretary for a hypnotist who told me on my first day to think of him as a "second father". I worked for him and his wife who often referred to me as a "third daughter" and to themselves as "parents". They actively encouraged me to think of them as family and then accused me of being unprofessional I got upset after they forced me to work overtime for no compensation. I was so humiliated when the wife said to me "I cannot be your mother". Um, I never asked you to be--that was your idea, remember? Sheeit.
How timely. I just read this article as I was in the middle of writing up a "childcare available" sign to put up around the neighbourhood. At 29 and with two university degrees, I've recently decided that I'd prefer childcare to office work, and given the current economic situation, this may be a better option at the time. I'm just about to start a part-time gig with a nearby family, and I'm curious to see how our relationship pans out. They're a middle-class, very liberal, and quasi-bohemian; looking at their bookcase, we have very similar interests and values. Had I not been hired as a sitter, these are people I could likely see in my own social circle, but I see the importance of a clear line to ensure a professional working relationship. We'll see!
My kids have been in day care for 10 years and I STILL feel awkward towards the caregivers. I want to be friendly but in a way I am their employer. They have kids of their own too, and that makes me feel guilty. Why do I get to drop my kids off and they don't?
@Little Green Frog: As a nanny I think about this every day, the entire system seems so premised on inequality it id difficult to think of an egalitarian system and how the heck it could work. My boss always acts so fatigued when she gets home work work and she doesn't realize that I don't get to go home and see my kids for another hour cause I have to ride the subway an hour back home from her wealthy neighborhood, I feel like she doesn't even realize however long she works I have to work longer, and nobody is at my home caring for my kids.
@gretchasketch: Well, know that I do think about people like you and try to make sure I make your job easier by making sure my kids behave, being on time, paying on time, and bringing cake.
@Penny: Babysitting and au pairing were the events that made me realise I never want children. I was terrible at it and it made me want to cry all the time even when the kids were asleep.
But admittedly I did look after some spectacularly odd kids who attracted disaster and chaos...like the 4 year old who stood on a baby stingray off the Massachusetts coast...
Oh Jesus, it's my life! Except without that annoying Scarlett Johanssen. Really it is such a complicated relationship - you realize you spend more time and invest more energy into these other people's children than your own family, and in some ways you love them and in other ways resent them. They might be 3 or they might be 11 but they are able to show they understand you're hired help - sometimes it's just the way they hand you the backpack when you collect them from school that tells you. In my case it is a stay-at-home mom with full time help so she can have time to herself - a real class difference. You spend so much time together, talking about the kids, that you sometimes are friends, and sometimes you just hate them and hate rich people. Uggggggggggg.
@MiseAmiee: Once the five year old I cared for told me that she knew her parents could fire me. I was able to shoot that down, and, thank god, it never came up again.
I'm thinking that one thing that sets nannies apart from the families they work for is: health insurance? Do nannies who don't work through an agency have to pay out of pocket for health insurance? I've never had a married nanny or a nanny young enough to be on her parents' health insurance. I know most nannies aren't exactly paid lavishly either, despite how much work they do. How much of that hourly wage goes to basic necessities? Even if you're a live-in nanny, you're bound to get sick sometime.
My second nanny died of brain cancer. I wonder how she afforded treatment. I've never asked my parents how Amanda had health insurance, I suppose because when I was ten I didn't think much about it.
@kithkin: It's something you discuss when you're writing up your contract. The last family I worked for paid for my health insurance. I was also lucky enough to be paid really well.
The hardest part of being a caregiver (I shun being called both "Nanny" and "Babysitter) is when your job ends (n one case the Mom lost her job, thus ending her need for my services) and the kids kind of forget you. This happens when you care for very young children up to school age. People typically don't have very many memories before the age of 5 unless traumatic. My daughter doesn't remember her pre-school teacher, which is a shame because she was a terrific, loving woman.
On the other hand, I had one family for 8 years, and the 3 children blended with my girls and became friends for life. The oldest 2 are now in college and will come visit me when they are home. It was sad when they outgrew me, because I loved them like my own! The situation worked because their Mother and I had mutual respect.
@JazzednJersey: I know exactly what you mean. I've cared mostly for very young children, starting out with them when they were newborns and leaving after a year or two. It's really hard to care for a baby every single day, watching them take their first steps and says their first words, and know that they won't remember you at all.
I had a nanny, for lack of a better word, for 11 years. My mom hired an au pair to come stay with us the summer my brother was born (I was three), since her plan was to go back to work after a month or so.
During that summer, my parents ended up separating. Mom told Lori, the au pair (who was from North Dakota and a nursing student), that she would put her through nursing school if she'd stick around for a while.
Lori ended up living with us until the end of 7th grade. My mom was her matron of honor, and Lori is my brother's godmother.
Did Lori "work for" my mom? Sure. But the dynamic was definitely more of a family one - almost like Lori was a stay-at-home mom, while Mom went to work. For instance, once my brother and I were both in school, Lori went to work part-time as a nurse in a biofeedback clinic, and eventually became full-time. She had disciplinary power, though any major stuff waited till she and my mom had a chance to discuss it. She joined us for any holidays she didn't head home to ND for, and we spent Easter at her house with her family this year.
My grandparents paid for a good chunk of her wedding.
So, yeah, it's complicated, but it IS possible to have a "nanny" become part of the family.
@amowls: that was my thought, too. many children (even ten year olds) will ask things that are understood by most adults to be rude, insensitive, or just completely inappropriate. i nannied for a nine year old who asked me at the pool, 'why is that man so fat?'
@amowls: Children should be taught better manners and are supposed to taught about diverstiy through their parents and school. I also suspect that any child who can concieve of and feel comfortable asking that question learned it from his/her parent. Embracing all peoples starts at a young age or at least should.
@ZemarSea Urchin: Just curious, do you have kids? And I mean like a kid or kids that are old enough to walk around and say stuff, not just a baby or toddler?
Because I suspect from your simplistic sounding statement above that you don't. If you did I bet you wouldn't see this as such a black and white thing. Kids pick up stuff you wouldn't believe all over the place. And while OF COURSE I agree with you that parents need to teach diversity and "embrcing all peoples" a 10 year old will hear friends (who maybe weren't taught manners or embracing others) say something and might not immediately realise it is rude or rascist like an adult would. The fact tht Dodai felt they were friends before that tells me she was probably generally a well-behaved polite girl.
I have no idea in this particular case what the real deal was - her parents could have been all-out racist loons, but I'm just saying - having kids of my own I know a kid is not a fully formed adult, and while I understand why dodai was hurt by what that girl said I don't think i would judge a 10 year old the same way I would a grown up for saying what she said. I also wouldn't decide she hadn't been taught manners or diversity on the basis of one question.
a. I felt icky that a subset of my salary would encompass the whole of theirs---not really rational, but still icked me out.
b. I think everyone deserves breaks, vacations, co-workers (in case you just need to step away)--professionalism.
c. How can you find a person out there that you can trust so completely. At least in a daycare center there are other teachers, other parents, inspectors, etc. to check on things or notice when stuff goes poorly.
a) The average nanny hourly wage dwarfs that of a daycare worker. There's nothing altruistic about daycare.
b) I give my nanny 2 weeks off. And she can break when the kids nap, currently 2 hours per day.
c) Classified ad/intensive screening and interviews.
d) That's what nursery school is for.
I used daycare when I had one child, and I was anti-nanny, so I have experience with both. I hired a nanny when I had two under two. And I have to say: having a nanny is such an amazingly positive experience. For a zillion reasons.
@BreeKilledGeorge: I wasn't judging your choices. Just giving my reasons.
I hesitate to say it--but a lot of women out there don't pay their nannies a proper salary, often exploiting immigration issues--and I used a daycare center that paid their teachers a wage of about an asst teacher at a public school. Not enough by a long shot. I was appalled at the low prices of some inhome daycare. I was a manager at a independent bookstore so I didn't make a lot of money. The childcare situation in this country is a tough equation for everyone involved.
@Jeangenie: i'm sure part of it is dependent on where you live; when i moved for college seven years ago, i looked into becoming a teacher at a daycare center... i was fresh out of a nanny job where i made $11/hour and would have gone down to $7.50/hour at the daycare center. no thanks. however, i've also noticed that the wages for nannies and sitters in the town in which i reside are pretty low, too. you come across a lot of ads looking for sitters for two or three kids where the parents are only offering minimum wage.
06/08/09
I reached my limit when I was expected to provide the mom who is the shittiest mother I've ever experienced a detailed schedule of my weekend activities, even though I had my weekends off. No, I don't have to do that, even if I am living in your house.
It was also weird then being the "mom" in the house - not just taking care of the kids, but also being the other grownup in the dynamic. The dad never, ever hit on me, but it was still an intimate relationship in the fact that we were both invested in the welfare of these kiddos, and since I was basically the new mom stand-in i had to be involved in a lot of other household things.
I love kids, but I'm relieved not to be doing that anymore.
I can't even watch The Nanny Diaries - my first live-in gig is too eerily similar.
06/08/09
I never had a "Nanny" but my Mom left me with parent's of my "friends" 4 different times throughout my childhood, all for months to a year at a time, afterschool. I HATED IT. I preferred daycare or even just going home to be alone, but that was out of the question. Every single one of my "friends" all developed a power trip and I was made to feel like a burden and a total outcast. Awful awful AWFUL memories. I even ran away from one of these people's houses once.
So please, Jezzie Mothers, don't leave your kids with their friend's Moms. It never turns out the way you think.
06/08/09
06/08/09
This definitely applies to non-nannies; it can apply to anyone whose employer blurs the lines between professional and personal. I worked for a while as a secretary for a hypnotist who told me on my first day to think of him as a "second father". I worked for him and his wife who often referred to me as a "third daughter" and to themselves as "parents". They actively encouraged me to think of them as family and then accused me of being unprofessional I got upset after they forced me to work overtime for no compensation. I was so humiliated when the wife said to me "I cannot be your mother". Um, I never asked you to be--that was your idea, remember? Sheeit.
06/08/09
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06/08/09
06/08/09
06/08/09
But admittedly I did look after some spectacularly odd kids who attracted disaster and chaos...like the 4 year old who stood on a baby stingray off the Massachusetts coast...
06/08/09
06/08/09
06/08/09
My second nanny died of brain cancer. I wonder how she afforded treatment. I've never asked my parents how Amanda had health insurance, I suppose because when I was ten I didn't think much about it.
06/08/09
06/08/09
On the other hand, I had one family for 8 years, and the 3 children blended with my girls and became friends for life. The oldest 2 are now in college and will come visit me when they are home. It was sad when they outgrew me, because I loved them like my own! The situation worked because their Mother and I had mutual respect.
06/08/09
06/08/09
"We think Sally has a corn allergy. She gets really hyper and throws up when we feed it to her. We fed her some corn earlier. Okay, bye!"
06/08/09
06/08/09
During that summer, my parents ended up separating. Mom told Lori, the au pair (who was from North Dakota and a nursing student), that she would put her through nursing school if she'd stick around for a while.
Lori ended up living with us until the end of 7th grade. My mom was her matron of honor, and Lori is my brother's godmother.
Did Lori "work for" my mom? Sure. But the dynamic was definitely more of a family one - almost like Lori was a stay-at-home mom, while Mom went to work. For instance, once my brother and I were both in school, Lori went to work part-time as a nurse in a biofeedback clinic, and eventually became full-time. She had disciplinary power, though any major stuff waited till she and my mom had a chance to discuss it. She joined us for any holidays she didn't head home to ND for, and we spent Easter at her house with her family this year.
My grandparents paid for a good chunk of her wedding.
So, yeah, it's complicated, but it IS possible to have a "nanny" become part of the family.
06/08/09
You do when you're 10. Kids always ask lots of dumb questions.
06/08/09
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06/08/09
Because I suspect from your simplistic sounding statement above that you don't. If you did I bet you wouldn't see this as such a black and white thing. Kids pick up stuff you wouldn't believe all over the place. And while OF COURSE I agree with you that parents need to teach diversity and "embrcing all peoples" a 10 year old will hear friends (who maybe weren't taught manners or embracing others) say something and might not immediately realise it is rude or rascist like an adult would. The fact tht Dodai felt they were friends before that tells me she was probably generally a well-behaved polite girl.
I have no idea in this particular case what the real deal was - her parents could have been all-out racist loons, but I'm just saying - having kids of my own I know a kid is not a fully formed adult, and while I understand why dodai was hurt by what that girl said I don't think i would judge a 10 year old the same way I would a grown up for saying what she said. I also wouldn't decide she hadn't been taught manners or diversity on the basis of one question.
06/08/09
a. I felt icky that a subset of my salary would encompass the whole of theirs---not really rational, but still icked me out.
b. I think everyone deserves breaks, vacations, co-workers (in case you just need to step away)--professionalism.
c. How can you find a person out there that you can trust so completely. At least in a daycare center there are other teachers, other parents, inspectors, etc. to check on things or notice when stuff goes poorly.
d. The kids learn to get along with other kids.
So, there you have it.
06/08/09
a) The average nanny hourly wage dwarfs that of a daycare worker. There's nothing altruistic about daycare.
b) I give my nanny 2 weeks off. And she can break when the kids nap, currently 2 hours per day.
c) Classified ad/intensive screening and interviews.
d) That's what nursery school is for.
I used daycare when I had one child, and I was anti-nanny, so I have experience with both. I hired a nanny when I had two under two. And I have to say: having a nanny is such an amazingly positive experience. For a zillion reasons.
06/08/09
I hesitate to say it--but a lot of women out there don't pay their nannies a proper salary, often exploiting immigration issues--and I used a daycare center that paid their teachers a wage of about an asst teacher at a public school. Not enough by a long shot.
I was appalled at the low prices of some inhome daycare. I was a manager at a independent bookstore so I didn't make a lot of money. The childcare situation in this country is a tough equation for everyone involved.
06/08/09